Emotional Crap
WARNING: This is personal crap. If you don't want to know my personal emotional pain DONT READ this!! I wrote this with the encouragement of my therapist. Please ignore all grammar mistakes!
I started working out again a couple of months after G was born. I did it to get into shape and be healthier. I would try to get to the gym 2x a week. This has now changed for me. I now work out 5 times a week (if I can). I still work out for my health, but now one of the main underlying reasons for working out now is my mental health. I really need that 30 mins of elliptical (reading magazines - Smithsonian, Oprah, and sometimes People and OK.) I need that time for my brain to turn off. I also need the lovely chemicals that occur from exercise. Exercise is more effective than Prozac. Ever since I found out that RJ was going to move to his Dad's I have been in an emotional tail spin. Working out helps that. It grounds me. I use it as a weapon daily to fight depression. I invested a good chunk of my life and energy into RJ. Due to his ADHD, Learning disorders and having Pervasive Personality Disorder (high functioning Autism) he needed a lot. And now that he is gone I am lost. I was really good at hiding how much work/energy I put into RJ and I have been good at hiding how much it hurts to have him gone. I cant even start to explain what it feels like. I know he will be back at xmas and summers. I know(most of the time) that I did all I could for him. I know sending him to his Dad's was a better choice that going to court. All that doesn't change the pain. I know why there is such a high divorce rate of parent of special needs kids. The kids just need so much of your time/energy and love. RJ is now at his Dad's so what does that mean for me. How does that affect my identity. How do I react when I hear things from RJ that would have NEVER occurred here? A big chunk of my life has been ripped away - it still existed, but now I have no control over it. I have little to no say or what happens in RJ life now. And yet a few month ago he was a major part of my life. My therapist used a great analogy I am a fierce mama bear that had to do a ton to protect her cub and now the cub is gone and I have no control over it, yet I am still a fierce mama bear because that's all I know, so what do I do with all that energy and feelings? Problem being I am turning that energy against myself and twisting and using it against others. What I really need is a giant pity party. I need to hear poor baby repeatedly till I am sick of it, I need to feel heard and validated, I need to weep in peoples arms till I can cry no longer, I need to grieve, I need multiple shoulders to support me through these hard times. But I don't have that. 1) people don't understand what I am going through 2) I don't let people see what I am going through 3) I don't let people in 4) I dont have the emotional support system like that in place. So I am in a catch 22. I need a support system to be able to deal emotionally with RJ, but I dont have one. So I need to work on figuring out how to change myself so that I can let people in so I can form a support system, but I am so overwhelmed by the stuff with RJ that I can't work on things like making friends. Its hard be confident and over come shyness to meet new people and work on trust issues to let people in when one is fighting depression. Need the people to deal with emotions around RJ, cant get the people because of my emotions to RJ. WHEE!!! So I exercise everyday.
I started working out again a couple of months after G was born. I did it to get into shape and be healthier. I would try to get to the gym 2x a week. This has now changed for me. I now work out 5 times a week (if I can). I still work out for my health, but now one of the main underlying reasons for working out now is my mental health. I really need that 30 mins of elliptical (reading magazines - Smithsonian, Oprah, and sometimes People and OK.) I need that time for my brain to turn off. I also need the lovely chemicals that occur from exercise. Exercise is more effective than Prozac. Ever since I found out that RJ was going to move to his Dad's I have been in an emotional tail spin. Working out helps that. It grounds me. I use it as a weapon daily to fight depression. I invested a good chunk of my life and energy into RJ. Due to his ADHD, Learning disorders and having Pervasive Personality Disorder (high functioning Autism) he needed a lot. And now that he is gone I am lost. I was really good at hiding how much work/energy I put into RJ and I have been good at hiding how much it hurts to have him gone. I cant even start to explain what it feels like. I know he will be back at xmas and summers. I know(most of the time) that I did all I could for him. I know sending him to his Dad's was a better choice that going to court. All that doesn't change the pain. I know why there is such a high divorce rate of parent of special needs kids. The kids just need so much of your time/energy and love. RJ is now at his Dad's so what does that mean for me. How does that affect my identity. How do I react when I hear things from RJ that would have NEVER occurred here? A big chunk of my life has been ripped away - it still existed, but now I have no control over it. I have little to no say or what happens in RJ life now. And yet a few month ago he was a major part of my life. My therapist used a great analogy I am a fierce mama bear that had to do a ton to protect her cub and now the cub is gone and I have no control over it, yet I am still a fierce mama bear because that's all I know, so what do I do with all that energy and feelings? Problem being I am turning that energy against myself and twisting and using it against others. What I really need is a giant pity party. I need to hear poor baby repeatedly till I am sick of it, I need to feel heard and validated, I need to weep in peoples arms till I can cry no longer, I need to grieve, I need multiple shoulders to support me through these hard times. But I don't have that. 1) people don't understand what I am going through 2) I don't let people see what I am going through 3) I don't let people in 4) I dont have the emotional support system like that in place. So I am in a catch 22. I need a support system to be able to deal emotionally with RJ, but I dont have one. So I need to work on figuring out how to change myself so that I can let people in so I can form a support system, but I am so overwhelmed by the stuff with RJ that I can't work on things like making friends. Its hard be confident and over come shyness to meet new people and work on trust issues to let people in when one is fighting depression. Need the people to deal with emotions around RJ, cant get the people because of my emotions to RJ. WHEE!!! So I exercise everyday.