DON'T DO IT.
So I went and watched "The Forbidden Kingdom," featuring Jet Li and Jackie Chan.
And I really can't just sum it up in one sentence because it'll be way too long.
So here's my review. And it's SPOILER HEAVY, so don't read if you don't want the movie ruined for you.
OVERALL GRADE: D+
Story: C
Cast: C+
Acting: D
Visuals: C-
Okay, so it's been done before like in Magic Island where a disobedient boy gets stuck at home, grounded, and gets sucked into some magical land where he becomes a hero in less than a week, despite knowing shit-all about that era or place he's in. Except in Magic Island, everyone spoke English.
Forbidden Kingdom? First of all, white kid (emphasis on race, not because I'm racist, but because of society's view on this) is a total martial arts movies fan (like SAM) and brags about his nonexistent gung fu skills. Apparently, he thinks it'll win the hookers over. So obviously, this gets him into deep shit and he gets his ass kicked, and he somehow finds the staff that belongs to the Monkey King. Once he gets his ass kicked, he gets transported back in time to ANCIENT MYTHICAL CHINA, right into a village by the rice paddies.
He wakes up. Everyone starts speaking in Mandarin to him and he doesn't understand CRAP. Hell, he stares at the approaching soldiers and doesn't realize that OH SHIT, they're NOT HERE for a nice visit and a cup of tea with the villagers! So here comes Jackie Chan (in a poorly made wig of dreads) to whup some ass with his Drunken Master technique. Of course he speaks Mandarin to the kid also (did I mention there were NO SUBTITLES?), and obviously the kid is SO CONFUSED and says it. And then out of NOWHERE, Jackie starts screaming at him in FLUENT ENGLISH.
They go to a teahouse/brothel to discuss the origin of the staff that he's holding. The soldiers come. Mysterious mandolin player kills some of them off, pulls off her hood to reveal that yes, she's a pretty young girl. Oh dear god. So they ride their horses THROUGH THE BROTHEL and into the bamboo forest. The idiot guy begs to be trained in stupid stereotypical techniques you see on movies like Kill Bill or what not, and Jackie hits him on the head saying how can he learn any more techniques if his mind is already full? He's using a cup of tea as a metaphor, saying that the guy has to be willing to start from the very beginning if he wants to become proficient at it. So, he says, "empty your cup" which means "empty your mind."
The guy empties his cup.
OF TEA.
Jackie slaps his forehead.
Apparently the girl, Sparrow, has a very typical past where her family was slain by the Jade Warlord, who is currently ruling the kingdom while the Emperor of Heaven is away, and has imprisoned the Monkey King. She possesses a dart that can kill an immortal (contradictory) and for like a decade, she has trained to kill him.
THEN WHITE WITCH SHOWS UP. And she's wearing clothes you'd see people wear in the CHRONICLES OF NARNIA and not ANCIENT MYTHICAL CHINA. Her wigs poorly made also, and her make-up does NOT look plausible. Well, I take that back. It's much more acceptable than the Jade Emperor's. But apparently she uses a WHIP (um... whips? In my China? Don't think so) and like, instead of kicking their asses immediately, they get away.
I'm going to make it short, but white kid learns some skills. White kid thinks he has a chance against the White Witch and the Jade Emperor. Let's keep in mind that he wasn't stuck in the past for a year, but less than a WEEK. Obviously he gets his ass kicked all over the palace by the White Witch, who in the end falls off a cliff when her hair has a mind of its own and can beat Rapunzel's hair in usefulness. BUT it DOESN'T SAVE HER. Jackie Chan and Jet Li come and save the kid's arse and after the Jade Emperor gets smashed in the face by the Monkey King, the kid takes the dart and stabs him in the gut. He dies.
Kid goes back to his time and beats the crap out of the bullies. Oh gee. And then he meets the reincarnation of the mandolin player. Goddamn.
So my complaints are:
WHY THE FUCK DOES THE MAIN CHARACTER HAVE TO BE SUCH AN IDIOT? When the movie starts out, he inhales martial arts movies like anyone would inhale air after being kept underwater for a minute and thirty seconds. Yet he does not know shit about Mandarin. And somehow, EVERYONE IN THE PAST KNOWS ENGLISH. Keep in mind that there was no Mokona there to translate their languages and also it wasn't one of those scenarios where suddenly he develops a skill to understand it in less than a second. No. They started speaking ENGLISH. And subtitles? HALFWAY INTO THE MOVIE, YEAH. But the beginning wasn't subtitled at all. Bullshit.
And the fact that he's an idiot dork that brags about nonexistent skills is even worse. Especially when yes, he does get the girl in the end although she died in the past. INUYASHA OMG?
AND THEN THE TEAHOUSE SCENE. I'm sorry, but teahouses in China do not have shoji screens and the lanterns typical of ANCIENT JAPAN. And dude, even though it's different, one thing stays the same. THE COURTESANS HAVE OSTENTATIOUS CLOTHING. WHERE ARE ALL THE COLORS?
And they made CRAP USE of Jet Li and Jackie Chan's martial arts skills. And the White Witch? She should've kicked the Jade Emperor's ass and ruled the kingdom instead of dying by FALLING OFF A CLIFF. And make-up? WHAT THE HELL. Could they at least try to imitate the old ways instead of PUTTING IT ON LIKE CRAPPY JROCKER COSPLAYERS LIKE ME!?!??!?!
Seriously. That is all.
Anyway.
Karaoke night. I haven't practiced. History Quiz Cards? Not done. Where am I going tomorrow? LA. FUCK. FUCK IT ALL. I DON'T CARE ANYMORE. I'LL WAKE UP AT FIVE TO DO THEM. I SWEAR.
And I really can't just sum it up in one sentence because it'll be way too long.
So here's my review. And it's SPOILER HEAVY, so don't read if you don't want the movie ruined for you.
OVERALL GRADE: D+
Story: C
Cast: C+
Acting: D
Visuals: C-
Okay, so it's been done before like in Magic Island where a disobedient boy gets stuck at home, grounded, and gets sucked into some magical land where he becomes a hero in less than a week, despite knowing shit-all about that era or place he's in. Except in Magic Island, everyone spoke English.
Forbidden Kingdom? First of all, white kid (emphasis on race, not because I'm racist, but because of society's view on this) is a total martial arts movies fan (like SAM) and brags about his nonexistent gung fu skills. Apparently, he thinks it'll win the hookers over. So obviously, this gets him into deep shit and he gets his ass kicked, and he somehow finds the staff that belongs to the Monkey King. Once he gets his ass kicked, he gets transported back in time to ANCIENT MYTHICAL CHINA, right into a village by the rice paddies.
He wakes up. Everyone starts speaking in Mandarin to him and he doesn't understand CRAP. Hell, he stares at the approaching soldiers and doesn't realize that OH SHIT, they're NOT HERE for a nice visit and a cup of tea with the villagers! So here comes Jackie Chan (in a poorly made wig of dreads) to whup some ass with his Drunken Master technique. Of course he speaks Mandarin to the kid also (did I mention there were NO SUBTITLES?), and obviously the kid is SO CONFUSED and says it. And then out of NOWHERE, Jackie starts screaming at him in FLUENT ENGLISH.
They go to a teahouse/brothel to discuss the origin of the staff that he's holding. The soldiers come. Mysterious mandolin player kills some of them off, pulls off her hood to reveal that yes, she's a pretty young girl. Oh dear god. So they ride their horses THROUGH THE BROTHEL and into the bamboo forest. The idiot guy begs to be trained in stupid stereotypical techniques you see on movies like Kill Bill or what not, and Jackie hits him on the head saying how can he learn any more techniques if his mind is already full? He's using a cup of tea as a metaphor, saying that the guy has to be willing to start from the very beginning if he wants to become proficient at it. So, he says, "empty your cup" which means "empty your mind."
The guy empties his cup.
OF TEA.
Jackie slaps his forehead.
Apparently the girl, Sparrow, has a very typical past where her family was slain by the Jade Warlord, who is currently ruling the kingdom while the Emperor of Heaven is away, and has imprisoned the Monkey King. She possesses a dart that can kill an immortal (contradictory) and for like a decade, she has trained to kill him.
THEN WHITE WITCH SHOWS UP. And she's wearing clothes you'd see people wear in the CHRONICLES OF NARNIA and not ANCIENT MYTHICAL CHINA. Her wigs poorly made also, and her make-up does NOT look plausible. Well, I take that back. It's much more acceptable than the Jade Emperor's. But apparently she uses a WHIP (um... whips? In my China? Don't think so) and like, instead of kicking their asses immediately, they get away.
I'm going to make it short, but white kid learns some skills. White kid thinks he has a chance against the White Witch and the Jade Emperor. Let's keep in mind that he wasn't stuck in the past for a year, but less than a WEEK. Obviously he gets his ass kicked all over the palace by the White Witch, who in the end falls off a cliff when her hair has a mind of its own and can beat Rapunzel's hair in usefulness. BUT it DOESN'T SAVE HER. Jackie Chan and Jet Li come and save the kid's arse and after the Jade Emperor gets smashed in the face by the Monkey King, the kid takes the dart and stabs him in the gut. He dies.
Kid goes back to his time and beats the crap out of the bullies. Oh gee. And then he meets the reincarnation of the mandolin player. Goddamn.
So my complaints are:
WHY THE FUCK DOES THE MAIN CHARACTER HAVE TO BE SUCH AN IDIOT? When the movie starts out, he inhales martial arts movies like anyone would inhale air after being kept underwater for a minute and thirty seconds. Yet he does not know shit about Mandarin. And somehow, EVERYONE IN THE PAST KNOWS ENGLISH. Keep in mind that there was no Mokona there to translate their languages and also it wasn't one of those scenarios where suddenly he develops a skill to understand it in less than a second. No. They started speaking ENGLISH. And subtitles? HALFWAY INTO THE MOVIE, YEAH. But the beginning wasn't subtitled at all. Bullshit.
And the fact that he's an idiot dork that brags about nonexistent skills is even worse. Especially when yes, he does get the girl in the end although she died in the past. INUYASHA OMG?
AND THEN THE TEAHOUSE SCENE. I'm sorry, but teahouses in China do not have shoji screens and the lanterns typical of ANCIENT JAPAN. And dude, even though it's different, one thing stays the same. THE COURTESANS HAVE OSTENTATIOUS CLOTHING. WHERE ARE ALL THE COLORS?
And they made CRAP USE of Jet Li and Jackie Chan's martial arts skills. And the White Witch? She should've kicked the Jade Emperor's ass and ruled the kingdom instead of dying by FALLING OFF A CLIFF. And make-up? WHAT THE HELL. Could they at least try to imitate the old ways instead of PUTTING IT ON LIKE CRAPPY JROCKER COSPLAYERS LIKE ME!?!??!?!
Seriously. That is all.
Anyway.
Karaoke night. I haven't practiced. History Quiz Cards? Not done. Where am I going tomorrow? LA. FUCK. FUCK IT ALL. I DON'T CARE ANYMORE. I'LL WAKE UP AT FIVE TO DO THEM. I SWEAR.