Comments | sojourner_cries: All Right (Gravitaton fanfic)

sojourner_cries

All Right (Gravitaton fanfic)

May 12, 2007 12:11

This piece needs to have its scrawny neck wrung. Multiple times. I wrote the original draft back in February, if that says anything. I'm not sure how to add what I think I need to add, either.

Gravitation fic, alternate reality/history, multiple (mostly implied) pairings.

( He tried to love Eiri, truly he did, but fairytales don’t come true. And now that Eiri’s growing up, he doesn’t know how much longer he can take this reality, either. )

prose, real-life, gravitation, public, writing 2007, slash, fanfic, fantasy, oneshot

Comments 7

kuroi_inochi May 20 2007, 15:10:21 UTC

This is so very,very dark. There's such a discrepancy between the way their relationship would seem to outsiders and then the way it's described in his head...And you really don't like Tohma, do you?
Why aren't you happy with this? What needs adding? In case you haven't noticed, I am terrible at criticism XD Unless things are pointed out to me, I have no idea what's wrong XP
I'm useless lol.

sojourner_cries May 20 2007, 18:24:21 UTC

Would you be surprised to learn that my first incarnation of this story wasn't very dark at all? O.o It wasn't... happy, exactly... but it was rather loving. I think that this version is a bit more plausible.
(Oddly enough, I kept most of the dialogue the same in both versions.)
I don't. I really don't. He is a... *makes strangling motion with hands*. There are a few people who can write Tohma so that I like him, but mainly I stay away from him. But my brain likes writing him...
I think that I'm lacking explanation of why Eiri went back to Yuki and so forth.
No, no, you're noooooooooot. *pats* I like to know that people are reading my writing. *nods*

kuroi_inochi May 21 2007, 18:53:02 UTC

I would be! O.o That's a rather monumental change in tone! I don't think I've read anything of your that didn't have a dark side to it O.o
If you kept the dialogue the same, that kind of explains why the outward and inward thing is so different...
You have a love/hate thing going on there! The hatred definitely comes across in his evilness!
Hmmm...But since this is a one shot, and alternate reality at that, does it really need that much explanation? Hmmmmmm...*reads again* I'm trying to find a place where you could fit it in. I see why you have trouble adding things. Maybe when Yuki tells Eiri he's glad he didn't go back to Japan?
Yes!! At least I can do that much! I can read! XP I very much enjoy to read, so I suppose that works out well! ^^

sojourner_cries May 23 2007, 00:00:27 UTC

O.o Oh! Oh! Yes, you have! Cheshire Cat wasn't dark at all <3 . But, for the most part, you're right O.o . (Want me to try and write you some sunny sap? :P)
Yeah...
Hahahaha. I like writing evilness! *nods cheerfully*
That's what I was thinking. Thank you for the idea! *skims* I think that it might work there, too :) .
Yay! Reading is good! :)

Thread 7