Wait (HP fanfic)
Since it finally made it on fanfiction.net, I thought that I'd format it and post it here, too. (So it did go up eventually, Steph! :P )
Sirius/Remus, or Remus/Sirius (whatever floats your boat), and Remus/Tonks. Warnings for DH spoilers and interesting use of italics.
There’s a shout, words that he can’t connect anymore, a flash of light, and then -
“I had to do it,” Remus Lupin says, wand-arm still extended, although it seems silly and pointless in the midst of an almost empty King’s Cross, amongst all of this nothing and everything.
Sirius Black just stares at him, young and fit and as arrogant as he’s ever been, and finally he replies - “Why?”
***
And it feels as thought they’ve been here for years already and Remus knows that they still have an eternity to go as they sit, Sirius backwards in his chair and Remus looking at their hands - so close, and yet not entwined.
People flit around them, some alone, some in groups, all of them just shadows against the edge of his consciousness, and he can barely hear the train when it whistles.
So many people get on, and no one is getting off, and he and Sirius aren’t doing anything at all.
It’s the missing gray from his hair, from Sirius’, the wrinkles that are gone and the dull shine of the faux-silver ring on his finger that remind Remus to keep speaking, explaining, rationalizing.
And practically the only thing that Sirius has said so far has been to remind him “But she was my cousin, Remus,” and although they look young, they cannot escape that they’re old, old men.
“I know,” he replies, like it makes everything all right again, like it will take away what he’s done. And in Sirius’ hurt eyes he sees the reflection of another boy, another time, and he thinks that it’s good that Sirius remembers, that he needs to be reminded once in a while.
Sirius speaks. “My god, Remus, I knew that we weren’t going to be forever, but - “ and then he cuts himself off, his fingers briefly twitching against Remus’.
“Do you think that she’ll be here soon?”
And neither is sure who said it, or if the other replied in return, and finally Remus stands up, rubbing his face, surprised to discover just how scarless it is. “I should be there to meet her, if she is,” he says distantly. “She is my wife - there’s nothing that you can do to change that, Sirius.”
And just as he’s going, almost gone, really, it reaches him -
“Wait.”
***
And suddenly he really isyoung again, and he’s sitting almost alone in the hospital wing and reading and solidly ignoring the boy talking to him.
“It just happened, Remus; I had to do it,” Sirius pleaded, his dark eyes a little less arrogant than usual, his tongue a little less sure.
Remus turned a page, trying to work the letters into a readable pattern. “You shouldn’t be here, Sirius,” he responds coolly.
“I know,” Sirius says, and the look that he shoots him, the darkness and the strength and the resignation in it are exactly what Remus pretends that he hasn’t seen when Sirius pushes his chair away. Then, it breaks free of his throat, as though he has no control at all -
“Wait.”
And when Sirius turns back to him, he pretends not to see the relief and the reservations either.
***
And even as he turns back, a half-complete “I know what you’re doing” smile on his face, he knows that it’s not Sirius’ voice that he’s heard.
As their shadows step off of the train, he isn’t able to raise a hand in greeting to Lily and James, isn’t able to look away from Sirius - now that he’s turned back, he doesn’t know how to continue.
And then Lily’s arms are around him, her perfume whispery in the air against his cheek, and she’s laughing, smiling.
“It’s been so long,” she says, and throws her arms around Sirius next.
Remus nods and embraces James, then forces himself to turn away. “I have to go and meet Tonks,” he says again, and then there’s a hand on his shoulder, so familiar and yet so strange. The swollen veins are gone, replaced with the taunt calluses of a Quidditch player, and he tenses, avoiding Lily and James’ worried eyes.
“I should come and say hello too,” Sirius says. “ - It’s been a long time.”
“It has,” Remus says, and he doesn’t know who he’s talking about any longer, just that it’s true. Still, he walks away, towards the entrance of the station, and Lily joins him a second later, her hand slipping into his.
“Do you think that she remembers me?” she asks, and he can’t see why she wouldn’t.
“I have a son now,” he says instead, the words oddly hollow on his lips.
There’s a long pause, and this time it’s Sirius’ voice that reaches out to break the silence - “And you didn’t name him after me?”
“The thought never crossed my mind,” Remus answers, turning around to meet his eyes without looking away for the first time.
***
“So -“ Sirius pauses, none of the things that he had imagined saying sounding quite right now that it’s actually time. “This is it, then?”
“We’ll never be the same, Sirius,” and he’s still reading, still detached and holding himself at heart’s length.
“Never.”
***
Sirius nods slowly, and this time his eyes are steely. “Of course not.”
Another pause, the distance between them, between Lily and James, palpable, and then Remus asks “Never forever?” knowing that Sirius will understand. When Sirius doesn’t answer right away, he goes back to waiting, asking Lily about what death is like and what’s at the other end of the train tracks, and he doesn’t sound afraid or resigned, just - ready.
Remus doesn’t turn around again, and James claps his hand on Sirius’ shoulder, the fabric of his coat rippling in a silent wind that curls around them as another train pulls away. “She’ll be here soon,” he says, “and then we’ll have to go to Harry.”
“Yeah,” Sirius murmurs, jealousy and anger and pain and arrogance playing over his handsome features. “And then…”
“And then - forever.”
***
And Sirius stares at his jeans, doesn’t look up at Remus again right away. He picks at the fabric of the seat cushion, lets the silence stretch until he simply can’t take it any longer.
“But, Remus - forever’s a long time to stay the same.”
“…” The other boy glances up. “… I know.”
***
As the entrance to King’s Cross shimmers again, he wonders if the sentiment is still true.
Comments/critiques?
Sirius/Remus, or Remus/Sirius (whatever floats your boat), and Remus/Tonks. Warnings for DH spoilers and interesting use of italics.
There’s a shout, words that he can’t connect anymore, a flash of light, and then -
“I had to do it,” Remus Lupin says, wand-arm still extended, although it seems silly and pointless in the midst of an almost empty King’s Cross, amongst all of this nothing and everything.
Sirius Black just stares at him, young and fit and as arrogant as he’s ever been, and finally he replies - “Why?”
***
And it feels as thought they’ve been here for years already and Remus knows that they still have an eternity to go as they sit, Sirius backwards in his chair and Remus looking at their hands - so close, and yet not entwined.
People flit around them, some alone, some in groups, all of them just shadows against the edge of his consciousness, and he can barely hear the train when it whistles.
So many people get on, and no one is getting off, and he and Sirius aren’t doing anything at all.
It’s the missing gray from his hair, from Sirius’, the wrinkles that are gone and the dull shine of the faux-silver ring on his finger that remind Remus to keep speaking, explaining, rationalizing.
And practically the only thing that Sirius has said so far has been to remind him “But she was my cousin, Remus,” and although they look young, they cannot escape that they’re old, old men.
“I know,” he replies, like it makes everything all right again, like it will take away what he’s done. And in Sirius’ hurt eyes he sees the reflection of another boy, another time, and he thinks that it’s good that Sirius remembers, that he needs to be reminded once in a while.
Sirius speaks. “My god, Remus, I knew that we weren’t going to be forever, but - “ and then he cuts himself off, his fingers briefly twitching against Remus’.
“Do you think that she’ll be here soon?”
And neither is sure who said it, or if the other replied in return, and finally Remus stands up, rubbing his face, surprised to discover just how scarless it is. “I should be there to meet her, if she is,” he says distantly. “She is my wife - there’s nothing that you can do to change that, Sirius.”
And just as he’s going, almost gone, really, it reaches him -
“Wait.”
***
And suddenly he really isyoung again, and he’s sitting almost alone in the hospital wing and reading and solidly ignoring the boy talking to him.
“It just happened, Remus; I had to do it,” Sirius pleaded, his dark eyes a little less arrogant than usual, his tongue a little less sure.
Remus turned a page, trying to work the letters into a readable pattern. “You shouldn’t be here, Sirius,” he responds coolly.
“I know,” Sirius says, and the look that he shoots him, the darkness and the strength and the resignation in it are exactly what Remus pretends that he hasn’t seen when Sirius pushes his chair away. Then, it breaks free of his throat, as though he has no control at all -
“Wait.”
And when Sirius turns back to him, he pretends not to see the relief and the reservations either.
***
And even as he turns back, a half-complete “I know what you’re doing” smile on his face, he knows that it’s not Sirius’ voice that he’s heard.
As their shadows step off of the train, he isn’t able to raise a hand in greeting to Lily and James, isn’t able to look away from Sirius - now that he’s turned back, he doesn’t know how to continue.
And then Lily’s arms are around him, her perfume whispery in the air against his cheek, and she’s laughing, smiling.
“It’s been so long,” she says, and throws her arms around Sirius next.
Remus nods and embraces James, then forces himself to turn away. “I have to go and meet Tonks,” he says again, and then there’s a hand on his shoulder, so familiar and yet so strange. The swollen veins are gone, replaced with the taunt calluses of a Quidditch player, and he tenses, avoiding Lily and James’ worried eyes.
“I should come and say hello too,” Sirius says. “ - It’s been a long time.”
“It has,” Remus says, and he doesn’t know who he’s talking about any longer, just that it’s true. Still, he walks away, towards the entrance of the station, and Lily joins him a second later, her hand slipping into his.
“Do you think that she remembers me?” she asks, and he can’t see why she wouldn’t.
“I have a son now,” he says instead, the words oddly hollow on his lips.
There’s a long pause, and this time it’s Sirius’ voice that reaches out to break the silence - “And you didn’t name him after me?”
“The thought never crossed my mind,” Remus answers, turning around to meet his eyes without looking away for the first time.
***
“So -“ Sirius pauses, none of the things that he had imagined saying sounding quite right now that it’s actually time. “This is it, then?”
“We’ll never be the same, Sirius,” and he’s still reading, still detached and holding himself at heart’s length.
“Never.”
***
Sirius nods slowly, and this time his eyes are steely. “Of course not.”
Another pause, the distance between them, between Lily and James, palpable, and then Remus asks “Never forever?” knowing that Sirius will understand. When Sirius doesn’t answer right away, he goes back to waiting, asking Lily about what death is like and what’s at the other end of the train tracks, and he doesn’t sound afraid or resigned, just - ready.
Remus doesn’t turn around again, and James claps his hand on Sirius’ shoulder, the fabric of his coat rippling in a silent wind that curls around them as another train pulls away. “She’ll be here soon,” he says, “and then we’ll have to go to Harry.”
“Yeah,” Sirius murmurs, jealousy and anger and pain and arrogance playing over his handsome features. “And then…”
“And then - forever.”
***
And Sirius stares at his jeans, doesn’t look up at Remus again right away. He picks at the fabric of the seat cushion, lets the silence stretch until he simply can’t take it any longer.
“But, Remus - forever’s a long time to stay the same.”
“…” The other boy glances up. “… I know.”
***
As the entrance to King’s Cross shimmers again, he wonders if the sentiment is still true.
Comments/critiques?