Sunday Reveries: Bad Trip
"Let the devils burn and the angels fall. Let every one of them be crucified as they deserved to be, as every god deserves to be."
--Vellum by Hal Duncan.
Spoilers for SPN 5x04 "The End"
Propped against the wall of his cabin, there’s not even a whisker’s hint of blue in Cas’s eyes his pupils were so huge. A little whiskey, a little meth and he’s feeling really good, balanced right in that place where he feels everything and feels nothing. It’s good right there, he likes this place.
A slow smile curled the end of his lips and his head dropped to the side. If he could, he’d stay forever just like this. Right here, he didn’t have to worry about Croats or Lucifer, he didn’t have to face the disappointment he saw in Dean’s, Chuck’s, everyone’s eyes who knew the truth about him. The new recruits, the people who didn’t know him before, they could be pretty disgusted or amused with him. The girls loved him. But the people who knew him before, they were all disappointed.
Cas couldn’t really blame them. He had fallen far, hard and fast but they didn’t get it. They just thought he had trouble coping with the world but it wasn’t the world Cas had problems with. He had been a soldier a lot longer than any of them. War, he could handle. Being abandoned? Not so much, not at all.
His whole life, his whole existence there had always been Heaven in the back of his mind. It had always been there, right at his back to hold him up and keep him powered. Now, there was no reassuring presence, no power, no nothing. Just Cas on his own and human. Maybe that wasn’t so bad to everyone else but he had been an angel for millions of years. The change to human was not easy.
Drugs, alcohol and orgies made it better for awhile but they never made it okay. When he faced the world sober, he faced the emptiness, the lack of all he had ever known. It was that he was hiding from, the abandonment not just by his old brothers but from his Father as well.
Cas closed his eyes and let out a broken, hollow laugh. Yeah, we was feeling everything and nothing and the world could just fuck itself.
--Vellum by Hal Duncan.
Spoilers for SPN 5x04 "The End"
Propped against the wall of his cabin, there’s not even a whisker’s hint of blue in Cas’s eyes his pupils were so huge. A little whiskey, a little meth and he’s feeling really good, balanced right in that place where he feels everything and feels nothing. It’s good right there, he likes this place.
A slow smile curled the end of his lips and his head dropped to the side. If he could, he’d stay forever just like this. Right here, he didn’t have to worry about Croats or Lucifer, he didn’t have to face the disappointment he saw in Dean’s, Chuck’s, everyone’s eyes who knew the truth about him. The new recruits, the people who didn’t know him before, they could be pretty disgusted or amused with him. The girls loved him. But the people who knew him before, they were all disappointed.
Cas couldn’t really blame them. He had fallen far, hard and fast but they didn’t get it. They just thought he had trouble coping with the world but it wasn’t the world Cas had problems with. He had been a soldier a lot longer than any of them. War, he could handle. Being abandoned? Not so much, not at all.
His whole life, his whole existence there had always been Heaven in the back of his mind. It had always been there, right at his back to hold him up and keep him powered. Now, there was no reassuring presence, no power, no nothing. Just Cas on his own and human. Maybe that wasn’t so bad to everyone else but he had been an angel for millions of years. The change to human was not easy.
Drugs, alcohol and orgies made it better for awhile but they never made it okay. When he faced the world sober, he faced the emptiness, the lack of all he had ever known. It was that he was hiding from, the abandonment not just by his old brothers but from his Father as well.
Cas closed his eyes and let out a broken, hollow laugh. Yeah, we was feeling everything and nothing and the world could just fuck itself.