Accumulated E-mails: Parker
August 31st, 2000
To: m.parker@fandomhigh.net
From: wrosenberg@ucsd.edu
Subject: Parker? You out there?
Xander tried sending messages and got a bounceback; we can't seem to log him into the alumni network, and his cellphone's not connecting to anybody's there either. He's a little spazzy, to say the least. I thought it might just be his laptop and phone doing the wacky dance because they came through a portal, so testing from mine, since I've been able to reach you before.
Willow, the one that's not there
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August 31st, 2000
To: bridge.carson, m.parker, isabel.evans, willow.rosenberg, dawn.summers, alanna.trebond, samuel.anders, rory.gilmore, john.crichton, d'anna.biers, angela.chase, martin.blank, veruca.cally, samantha.carter, nadia.santos, alex.krycek, jake.gavin, peter.pevensie, skankzero.hopelesssavage /// @fandomhigh.net, veronica.mars@hearst.edu
From: xharris@ucsd.edu
Subject: [blank]
If *any* of you guys get this, will you tell everybody else I'm trying to call and write but everything keeps bouncing back at me? I haven't got anything from Fandom, either, and I'm pretty sure you didn't *all* decide I need to be shunnedOMG. And Willow can't get e-mail out to her friends from Hogwarts, so it's not the phone or the alumni net thing, it's some kind of interference on this end, she thinks. She's hacking the network of checking with the guys at the Watchers' Council who sent us off in the first place to see if they know what's going on.
This may not go through either, but I'll keep trying. And if you get spammed, um. Sorry? Better than thinking I was blowing you off, right?
Miss you all, even Faithful
Xander
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ooooo. [The same e-mail repeated every day until September 10th, 2000]
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October 18th, 2000
To: bridge.carson@fandomhigh.net, m.parker@fandomhigh.net, john.crichton@fandomhigh.net
From: xharris@ucsd.edu
Subject: Oh, those wacky demons
Just in case you ever wondered if Sunnydale has wackery of the non-fatal, Fandomy variety, I got split into two of me this week. Okay granted the demon *was* trying to kill Buffy, but his near-miss is my...day spent knowing how Cam and John feel.
One of me dresses better than the other. Opinions are divided on which one of me that was.
~Xander
P.S. I SO DIDN'T SO STOP THINKING THAT.
P.P.S. I did get a picture before Willow put us back together, though.
P.P.P.S. NOT THAT KIND OF PICTURE.
P.P.P.S. ...Bridge, see other e-mail. Happy anniversary.
attachment: 50234.jpg
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November 28th, 2000
To: bridge.carson, m.parker, isabel.evans, willow.rosenberg, dawn.summers /// @fandomhigh.net
Subject: Aliens
I like the ones at our school better. I'm just sayin'. Big chunk of space rock. Thing that likes to suck crazy people's brains out. Psych ward at hospital. In conclusion, eww. I saved you a piece of the meteor, though, Isabel. Don't know if I'll see you again to give it to you, but seemed like something you could add to your collection, even if it's not from Roswell.
Miss you guys.
love, Xander
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December 25th, 2000
To: bridge.carson, callisto, m.parker, isabel.evans, willow.rosenberg, dawn.summers, alanna.trebond, aeryn.sun, samuel.anders, rory.gilmore, john.crichton, d'anna.biers, angela.chase, martin.blank, veruca.cally, samantha.carter, nadia.santos, alex.krycek, jake.gavin, peter.pevensie, peter.parker, skankzero.hopelesssavage, jenny.calendar, jaye.tyler /// @fandomhigh.net, veronica.mars@hearst.edu
From: xharris@ucsd.edu
Subject: Merry Stuffs
Happymerrypeacefulzombiefree Chrismakuhsticearoni - does that cover everybody? And I figure if I'm throwing bottles of e-mail out into the internets it's just as likely they'll make it to ancient Greece as it is that they'll hit Fandom, so Cal, if you're reading this, happy whatever the hell you guys celebrate in December too. Happy Anniversary-of-the-Strip-Triad-Game-I'm-Kinda-Sorry-I-Missed, maybe.
Willow says hi me and hi Bridge, and then she kind of shakes her head a little bit because she's still on the Oh Xander train and thinks I don't get how unlikely it is that you guys will ever see this. I do, though. Some things are just worth saying anyway, you know?
Like I passed my first semester of classes. It was touch and go for a while, but I am an actual bonafide college guy, as opposed to an actual bonafide flunkedoutofcollege guy. An actual bonafide college guy with his first actual bonafide car, too, even if it's an actual bonafide POS. And everybody here is alive and ...about as safe as you ever get in Sunnydale. (Dawn, there's a maybe on the Thing; they can't tell yet but they're checking again next week.)
Except now I ran out of news that's fit to print and doesn't involve other people's sekrits. That's one of the drawbacks about the whole never hearing back thing, aside from the obvious - all I can do is talk about me.
So instead I'll make stuff up about you guys. If I don't hear back from you I'll just assume I was right.
Let's see, it's December, so you've already had at least one invasion. This time it was MIMES. Marty, Peter Parker, Greg, Cally and Belthazor all got taken over and formed a troupe, roaming the dorms and annoying...I mean scaring the crap out of everybody who set foot in the hallways. The evil mimes were foiled when John, Sam, Nadia and Bridge joined together and built a giant invisible box around them (that dispenses cotton candy when they bang on the walls to be let out), and all the students went back to...as normal as they ever were. The mimes are still there, but no one cares because you all threw a sheet over the box and went on with your lives.
Veronica, Cal, Angel and Logan all came back for Homecoming. Angel's hair looked stupid. This is not actually news. Greg gave him a makeover, though. It still looks stupid (not Greg's fault; you can only work with what you're given), but it's taller now.
D'anna turned into a frog for a while, and had a wild fling with Jeremiah, but they broke it off even before D got turned back due to irreconcilable Vanessa Saturn shipping preferences. The Perk closed down and was replaced by a fancy mineral water store. Rory and Jake sat on the sidewalk in front of it every day for a week and LOOKED SAD AND WOEFUL at everybody who went in or out until they gave up and turned it back into a coffee shop. In not unrelated news, Krycek had a minor nervous breakdown during this period, but he's better now. He only twitches uncontrollably if you mention Evian around him.
Alanna dyed her hair black and took up smoking clove cigarettes and wearing a beret. Faithful laughed so hard he completely lost his voice, which is exactly why she did it. He was grumpy once he figured that out, but Willow and Anders cheered him up with catnip-laced cookies.
Angela dyed her hair black and took up smoking clove cigarettes and wearing a beret too, but it was a philosophical statement. Which didn't stop Faithful from laughing at her too.
Dean the Tick was seen wearing jeans and a t-shirt, which made everybody (except people from Sunnydale) wonder if the apocalypse was nigh, but no, the laundry machines were just on strike again so he couldn't wash his tights. The randomly-disappearing clothes thing happened again too, but this time it was even taking people's underwear. Jaye skipped classes to follow Constable Fraser around all week. Nobody knows for sure what happened but she was back in class on Monday and she WON'T STOP SMILING.
How'd I do?
love,
Xander
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January 9th, 2001
To: bridge.carson, m.parker, rory.gilmore, nadia.santos /// @fandomhigh.net
From: xharris@ucsd.edu
Subject: Breakability
So for future reference and not that I'm looking really closely at you when I say this Nadia but only because painkillers make my eyes do that unfocussy thing: when your best friend and your other best friend's Watcher get into an argument about whether inside the store is the very best place to be practicing portable sunlight spells and things get broke and then there's a very large troll who in a moment of utter randomness got that way due to the girl I went to my first prom with and then more things get broke and said best friend calls you for help and there's loud yelling and threats of crushing of various crushable people in the background, the smartest thing ever is to run in and try to distract the walking mountain range with the same jokes you tried on the giant inflatable gremlin at graduation while said other best friend tries to steal his big smashy thing.
I mean yeah, it *worked* and now Buffy has a niftykeen new hammer to play with, but I can't help thinking he sensed it wasn't new material and the only thing actually distracting him was the amusing cracky sounds my bones were making. If you want to bitchslap me, Parker, now would be the time, because haha I won't feel it anyway.
In conclusion, drugs good, comedy hard, Spike totally hustles pool, always carry a cellphone because you never want to miss a good opportunity to put your arm in a sling and if you have to find new ways to break yourself I already called dibs on trolls so find your own schtick.
love, Xander
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February 14th, 2001
To: m.parker@fandomhigh.net, callisto@fandomhigh.net, samuel.anders@fandomhigh.net, rory.gilmore@fandomhigh.net
From: xharris@ucsd.edu
Subject: Valentine's Day
I'm not sending Bridge anything today, because, well. I don't know what he's doing or if he's got somebody to be doing it with, you know? I wouldn't want to screw anything up for him if it was the one lottery-winning e-mail that didn't bounce, but I don't want him to think nobody's thinking about him today either. This is me trying to be all mature and stuff, yeah, because part of me is all hi Jake, can I borrow that marker, thanks, MINE, but most of me just wants him to be happy.
So if *this* e-mail's the powerball ticket, could you guys just make sure he *is*?
love, Xander
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May 7th, 2001
To: m.parker, alanna.trebond, rory.gilmore, john.crichton, aeryn.sun, d'anna.biers, angela.chase, martin.blank, samantha.carter, alex.krycek, jake.gavin, skankzero.hopelesssavage, jaye.tyler, cameron.mitchell, conner.mcknight, charlie.kawalsky, phoebe.halliwell, belthazor, hamlet.dane /// @fandomhigh.net
From: purplefrog@yahoo.com
Subject: grduation
so am in mtorhome somewhre betwen Sunnydale n LA wth pscho godess chsing us dont ask, 3 witches (1 crrntly crzy] a slayr, hr mom n sistr, my roomie, a vampre, a watcher [walk into a bar] n trying nt to gak on phne cause vmpre cant drve fr sht, and jst realized is a year since i grduated and omg you peope are all seniors now and leavng.
wont say wear sunscrn but will say that life aftr high sch thng? Nt the big scary. its just life, n you're alrdy doing that. keep it up n youll be fibe. FINE RARR STUPIDKEYS.
-xnder
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ooooo. [E-mails of Handwavy, of the 'getting by after Buffy's death which he also would've told her about but sans the Dawn=key info' variety.]
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July 12th, 2001.
To: bridge.carson@fandomhigh.net, m.parker@fandomhigh.net, isabel.evans@fandomhigh.net
From: xharris@ucsd.edu
Subject: SSDD
Sorry you guys get to be the dumping ground for round 96 of Sunnydale Sucks, Woe Is Us, but I don't know who else to, um. Dump on. Can't tell the Willow there; it might or might not be in her future. Really really can't tell Dawn, so if this makes it through please don't. I'll figure out some way, but I owe it to her to do it myself.
So you know the thing about telling people Buffy went to her dad's for the summer? It worked pretty well when Buffy actually *did* go to her dad's for the summer. And... not so bad the summer she actually ran away to L.A. Probably her having taken down a pretty badass vampire right before both of those kept the rest of them down to a dull roar for a while.
But when the Slayer goes from super-overcompensato-I-can't-do-anything-about-my-mom-and-I'm-worried-about-my-sister-so-I'll-just-channel-that-into-dusting-everything-in-sight mode to suddenly she's off to Barcelona and said mom and sister are wandering around town like the world just ended what with it kind of having and them not being the best actors ever? People get suspicious.
Which would be okay if it was just people, but the demons are starting to get the idea something's up too. We're keeping the town as safe as we can - even Dawn, because we really don't have a lot of room to be turning down help - and we're not exactly the clown patrol, but a handful of college kids, a middle-aged ex-Watcher and a high schooler who's definitely *not* a Slayer are... definitely not a Slayer.
Willow and Tara are doing their best with the magic end. Willow's still working on that ball-of-sunlight spell but she hasn't quite got it to the point where she could be sure it wouldn't take out Spike too, which -- and save this e-mail for future evidence when they have me committed and you want to say you told 'em so -- would be a bad thing. It'd be nice if Amy hadn't bailed after -- you know. It wasn't the world-endy stuff that freaked her out; it was Willow borrowing her for a jump-start without asking, which on one hand I get, but hi, she was trying to save somebody's life? Even if it didn't work.
We're holding our own, but I don't know how much longer before they figure out that we're *just* holding our own, and throw something bigger than we can handle at us.
Which is why we're about to do something really stupid, yay, which I'm feeling kind of don't-jinxy about so I'll tell you after if it turns out to be not the biggest mistake we ever made. Wish us luck? Or possibly brains.
love,
Xander
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July 14, 2001
To: bridge.carson@fandomhigh.net, m.parker@fandomhigh.net, isabel.evans@fandomhigh.net
From: xharris@ucsd.edu
Subject: DSDD
>>Which is why we're about to do something really stupid, yay,
>>which I'm feeling kind of don't-jinxy about so I'll tell you after if
>>it turns out to be not the biggest mistake we ever made. Wish us
>>luck? Or possibly brains.
Well, she didn't kill me in my sleep, so I guess this counts as after enough to explain what the hell I was talking about. Namely, I've got a Slayer on my couch.
Well, not on my couch at this exact second; she's in the shower. But that'd be where she's currently sleeping. The couch, not the shower. Though she *has* been in there kind of a while.
Parker and Bridge would know who I mean, since there's only one Slayer *left* now, far as we know. Watchers' Council hasn't heard about anybody new showing up this time. (This would be right about the time that Parker's yelling really loud so if you guys are right next to her, sorry.) Not sure if I ever told you about Faith, though, or how much if I did, Isabel. There was a new Slayer called the first time Buffy died, even though she only stopped breathing for a little while, and when our version of Drusilla happened to *her*, we got Faith. Eventually. In the way where she worked with us until the bad guys made her a better offer. There was a Faith at Fandom too - you missed her by a semester - but this one's kind of...beeninprisonforthelastyearorso.
So um yeah. The part where she was in for Murder Two, twenty-five to life, and we're all felons now yay? That'd be the really-stupid-possibly-biggest-mistake-ever thing.
I'll let you know how that one works out for us, huh.
love,
Xander
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August 16, 2001
To: bridge.carson@fandomhigh.net, m.parker@fandomhigh.net, isabel.evans@fandomhigh.net
From: xharris@ucsd.edu
Subject: Your semi-regular killination update
I remain unkilled*. See how I didn't say undead because I am smart and clarify things like that so if one of these makes it through or maybe all of them and you just can't answer, nobody has a heart attack and/or frowns sternly at me?
Also I am not e-mailing from prison, which I'm counting as a win.
Faith's... I mentioned the not killing part, which is good. Go not killing, it's your birthday. And for what it's worth, she's kicking plenty of vampire ass, and not bitching about how with everything else she did, what everybody hates her most for is not being Buffy. If I were the guy you guys think I am I'd probably say not counting me, but...yeah.
In non-death-and-prison news, I'm working full-time now, which'll be a stretch once classes start up again, but I wasn't about to turn it down, since it might mean moving up the apartment chain from matchbox to hovel pretty soon. This place still beats dorm life (UCSD dorm life, anyway - if you think *Fandom* dorms have thin walls? Gyah.) but it'd be nice for a change to *not* shave, shower, make eggs and bacon and watch tv without moving more than five steps in any direction. Also 3 people + 1 bathroom /= OT4.
Yes, my life *is* endlessly fascinating. Peter Jackson should be optioning the movie rights any year now.
love,
Xander
*Except at poker. So never playing with Faith when drunk. Or strip because thank you no, never ever ever ever ever ever ever x3000 going there again.**
**These are footnotes. I'm putting footnotes in an e-mail. Thank you college, for turning me into Willow v. 2.0, now with 100% less breasts.***
***...In case you needed an update on my boobie status for some reason, yes.
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September 20th, 2001
To: bridge.carson, m.parker, peter.parker, isabel.evans, willow.rosenberg, dawn.summers /// @fandomhigh.net
From: xharris@ucsd.edu
Subject: Geek Love
There was a van outside the apartment complex this afternoon with a picture of the Killing Moon airbrushed on it. Win. That is all.
~Xander
P.S. ....yes, I tried to go fanboy at talk to the driver. Duh. But I was on my way to go help with laundry and by the time I got back upstairs it was gone. Woe.
P.P.S. By the way, Peter, sitting on spoilers for Vanessa Saturn for another *three years*? Bites. OTOH...Z Cases Season 9? *rubs hands together*
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September 20th, 2001
To: bridge.carson, m.parker, isabel.evans, callisto /// @fandomhigh.net
From: xharris@ucsd.edu
Subject: Also, non-killination update
Yeah, I realize the other e-mail sort of does that, but if I left it there then you wouldn't know there's apparently some kind of time-space anomaly in my laundry room. Ah, good times. Unlike Fandom, didn't make people randomly naked, but Faith did end up in just a pair of shorts and a... cuppy ...strapless... black thingy that was not technically an equilibrium because it wasn't leather and now you know why you're suddenly on this mailing-list, Cal. Thought you'd appreciate the image. Not that I was really *looking* at the image...exactly, but they were she was right. there. Kind of unavoidable.
Anyhow she went down to do laundry and every time she took the clothes out of the dryer, she ended up back at the top of the steps carrying the basket down. The trick seemed to be taking off most of what she was wearing and throwing *that* in the washer too. Except when she got down to the not-equilibrium, she kicked the crap out of it (which is why I ended up heading down to "help with laundry" aka actually get my maintenance deposit back someday) and it stopped starting time over. Who knew we had pervy laundry machines in Sunnydale too?
love still unkillinatedly,
Xander
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November 2nd, 2001
To: bridge.carson@fandomhigh.net, dawn.summers@fandomhigh.net, m.parker@fandomhigh.net, isabel.evans@fandomhigh.net
From: xharris@ucsd.edu
Subject: [blank]
You know that possible biggest mistake we ever made? Except you don't know, Dawn, because I was kind of not telling you we brought Faith back here even though I knew you had one making doughnut runs in your Sunnydale, because I didn't know if it was the same reason why, still don't since I'm guessing you didn't get the e-mail I sent earlier what with the no answer and I couldn't ever figure out how to tell you we saved your mom, but lost your sister. I'm sorry - I owed you that and I bailed, same way I bailed on telling Angel when I think I owed him too but I stayed in the car because I couldn't take seeing the look on his face when Willow let him know.
Sorry, not me so much with the sentences order in together putting English right now, 'cause we might have just zoomed past the breaking Faith out of prison scale without passing Go and I'm pretty sure none of us suddenly has an extra 200 bucks, but I do have dirt under my fingernails and a desire to never ever ever see anybody regurgitate live snakes ever again, and I think Willow doesn't have a girlfriend anymore. Again. Among other things that I totally missed were happening with her. And I don't know if Joyce and Giles and Spike are going to kiss or kill us, not sure if *they* know, not even sure if we're gonna end up in the utterly non-special hell if they do take the kill option for what we did tonight except I think no because it's the first time since May that anything in the world has felt *right*.
All I know for sure is it worked. She's upstairs right now in her own bed. Asleep. *Breathing*. We've got her back. Buffy's alive.
love,
Xander
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ooooo. [Followup e-mail of a more coherent, less dramallamariffic, and decidedly handwavy nature.]
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December 16th, 2001
To: m.parker@fandomhigh.net, bridge.carson@fandomhigh.net
From: xharris@ucsd.edu
Subject: Misty watercolor memories
Hey Parker, remember that guy we met on Spring Break? Well, I couldn't tell you where he is*, because he and his wanna-be supervillain friends skedaddled before we could catch them, but after yesterday afternoon I can state for a fact that he really did get better with age. Also, possibly at some point between me-now and you-then he's had actual sex, though I wouldn't bet my Tev'Meckian dictionary on it.
Which by the way did not burst into flame today, Bridge. Just thought you should know.
Also there's Hannukah which is so very not connected except for the flames, because there was menorah-lighting at the Rosenbergs' tonight, so happy that, Bridge, and Merry-In-Advance, Parker, and yeah.
love,
Xander
*Though I do have his e-mail address. Wonder if Willow could do some kind of tracey-tracky thing? Hmm. Also yes, my e-mails still have footnotes WTF.
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January 15th, 2002
To: m.parker@fandomhigh.net, bridge.carson@fandomhigh.net
From: xharris@ucsd.edu
Subject: Spring Break Guy
...is not so bad after all. I mean we're not talking give him the keys to Watchers' Council HQ (Hell, I'm still having trouble buying that *I* was supposed to be working for them - can you picture that, seriously? Alternate futures, man, WTF) but he did make the right call when things got hairy.
On the other hand the guy with the girlfriendbot - think I told Bridge about that last year but can't remember if I ever mentioned it to Parker - is way, way bad news. Something happened with his real girlfriend, or ex, I guess, and he ended up killing her. Accidentally, Andrew and Jonathan said, but it happened when he was pulling some mind-control schtick on her, and ...ecch.
And then he tried to pin it on *Buffy*, called up demons that mess around with time and really had her believing she did it. She'd have turned herself in to the cops if his buddies hadn't finally decided that was one step too far and met up with her on the way to the police station. Andrew still wasn't too keen on turning him *in*, I guess, but at least they didn't let Buffy get herself arrested.
I'd say all's well that ends well, except it didn't exactly end well for the girl, and the guy who killed her's still out there somewhere. Just in case you thought Sunnydale didn't have its share of totally human evil, too.
love,
Xander
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May 3rd, 2002
To: bridge.carson, dawn.summers, m.parker, isabel.evans, callisto /// @fandomhigh.net
From: xharris@ucsd.edu
Subject: Graduation II, See Me Not Making The Boogaloo Joke? Cookies plz.
Been a while, yeah, sorry. I know I don't write as much as I did at first, 'cause at some point it got to be more about me having somebody to talk at than really believing you'd ever get them, and things are better here now - I don't need that quite as much. But I do still think about you, and sometimes there's just stuff that I couldn't say to anybody else, or I couldn't go *without* saying to you, even if you never hear it. And I'm kind of going on faith not dirty that your connection to FH is better than mine after you leave, and they'll forward this stuff on if it shows up.
So anyway yeah. In case you wondered how things are in Xander-land, it really is better. I kind of graduated too, except for the part where I'm still taking classes. The construction management thing has an associate's degree after two years, though, so I've got a piece of paper that... mostly lets me do the stuff at work that I've already been doing, and makes the boss point to me when they need a monkey in a suit to go talk to the client.
Means I get a bit more money, too, enough for a better apartment. Just the one roomie shut up, I'm so not getting into the Faith thing that is not a Thing except it kind of is with anybody but Bridge OMG now, 'cause Larry found a place of his own. Actually taking a break from unpacking, since I'm all alone and kind of bored. Buffy and Giles and said roomie took a flight to London yesterday to go talk to the Watcher's Council about ... not sending said roomie back to her previous apartment. You know, the one with the bars on the windows. Which yay, go keeping Faith out of prison and *boy* would I be staring at me like I was crazy if I saw me typing that three years ago, but it'd be awful quiet around here with her gone. Much like now.
Ought to head out to help patrol, though, since you know both Slayers out of town in May means the Hellmouth is gonna choose today to start spewing purple demonic lava or something.
love,
Xander
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March 18th, 2003
To: aeryn.sun, alanna.trebond, alex.krycek, angela.chase, belthazor, bridge.carson, callisto, cameron.mitchell, charlie.kawalsky, conner.mcknight, d'anna.biers, dawn.summers, elizabeth.delgado, hamlet.dane, isabel.evans, jake.gavin, jaye.tyler, jenny.calendar, john.crichton, m.parker, marty.blank, nadia.santos, peter.parker, peter.pevensie, phoebe.halliwell, rory.gilmore, samantha.carter, samuel.anders, veruca.cally, willow.rosenberg, zero.hopelesssavage, zoe.washburn ///@fandomhigh.net, veronica.mars@hearst.edu, cchase@nyu.edu, hotsauce@yahoo.com
From: purplefrog@yahoo.com
In case you guys heard about Sunnydale going under (or hell, maybe it happened years ago for some of you), just wanted to let you know we came through. Most of us, anyway. The world's not getting taken over by vampires, at least not this week. Faith saved us.
(That's a name; I didn't like, join a cult or something. Like Faith who used to be in Fandom, just this one was ours.)
Got to go. We're on our way to LA, just stopped for gas and the truckstop has wifi so I dragged out the keyboard since it's easier than typing on the phone. So anyway. I'm still here. Hope you're still there, wherever there might be these days.
~Xander
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