[fic] Politics and Religion
Title: Politics and Religion
Rating: PG
Summary: There are two things you don't talk about at the dinner table. Unfortunately when Rose, Lucy, the Doctor, and the Master sit down to dinner, those might be the only safe topics.
Politics and Religion
“I can’t believe you bought a cake.”
"I didn't buy it, I baked it."
The Doctor knew (but would never admit) that he’d had a few bad ideas in his time. But this one had been really bad. A suitcase full of bad. Maybe even two suitcases full, with a little carry on case of bad that was stopped by customs for being so full of bad. And usually the Doctor could get out of his bad ideas, or luckily have them turn out good at the last minute. And usually Rose helped. But not this time, oh no. This time she was going along with it. And not letting him weasel out of this catastrophically bad idea.
"I can't believe you baked a cake. You never bake me cakes. Or let me eat frosting."
“That's because you want to eat it straight from the can! Anyway, it’s polite. They're making dinner, we bring desert. Or wine, but I don’t want to know what might happen if you drink tonight.”
The Doctor tried to peer into the cake box but Rose snatched it away.
“Did you at least add poison? Or….apricots?”
Rose wrinkled her nose, “Why apricots? Oh, wait I bet he doesn’t like them, huh?”
The Doctor kind of slowed down and ducked his head. Rose sighed.
“We are going to dinner. You will be polite. I will be polite. Nobody will try to poison anybody else, and it will be fun.”
“And if he tries to dissect your brain, Rose, you know-”
“I know, I know! Knee him in the balls! It’s not like you’ve told me that twenty times in the last two minutes.”
“That’s actually a standard form of greeting among our people. You should just do it anyway. Like shaking hands.”
If Rose could have put her face in her hands without getting cake all over it, she would have.
The worst idea he’d ever had.
They were going to have dinner with the Master.
“I can’t believe you’re actually cooking.”
“It’s a dinner party. Generally the hosts cook the food. It’s only polite.”
“They don’t need cooked food. Or real food. Wax fruit. Maybe just a picture of a turkey. Arby’s.”
Lucy eyed the Master over the fruit plate she was arranging.
“I was raised better than that.”
“Of course. My perfectly polite society wife would never think of serving my greatest enemy Arby’s. Only a four course meal for him.”
Lucy narrowed her eyes. “You can overpepper his soup if he’s rude, but not a moment before.”
The Master perked up. “With his gob, that’s practically a given! I'll get out the pepper mill now."
The Master peered over Lucy’s shoulder as put the finishing touches on a starter. He smiled in a bright and not at all psychotic or mischievous way.
“Can we add pears?”
“It’s not too soon to back out, you know. He won’t mind if we don’t show up. He might think I’m dead. It’ll make his night.” The Doctor tugged on Rose’s arm, making a last ditch effort as they approached the looming mansion. Rose shook her head.
“I promised Lucy I’d drag you even if it was kicking and screaming. Honestly Doctor, this was your idea! ‘Maybe it’s time to make amends’ you said. ‘Some bonding time with the last of my species’ you said. I know you two haven’t always gotten a long, but you can’t avoid him forever, you know.”
The Doctor crossed his arms and sulked. “Yes, well, only because he’ll try to steal my TARDIS and destroy the world, again. Actually, he overdue, so it’s just as well we left her at your flat.”
For what felt like the hundredth time that night, Rose sighed.
“Rose, it’s the MASTER. He’s going to make this as deliberately unpleasant as possible for all of us.”
“Right, like you weren’t asking me to try and steal his Secret Evil Diary for blackmail material two minutes ago.”
“He’s going to try and feed us Arby’s! And put pepper in my soup! And he’ll just brag on and on about how many more settings his screwdrivers got, and I bet he’ll drag out that old story about how when we were in the Academy he drew all over my face while I was sleeping in class. In permanent ink.”
“I’d forgotten about that one, but I’m always happy to relive a simpler time.”
Rose and the Doctor had made it to the front door, and at some point during their argument, the Master had decided to let them in. He’d considered letting them stand there for an hour, and possibly dumping water from the second story balcony on their heads, but eventually they would drip all over his carpet and the Master hated soggy carpets.
Rose put out her hand.
“Rose Tyler.”
The Master grinned, and simply stared at her from head to toe. “I know who you are. The Doctor has said so much about you.”
“He knows you ripped open the TARDIS. He only wants to dissect your brain.” The Doctor deadpanned.
“Only a little dissecting. Before dessert.”
Rose smiled. “Oh, I know what to do about that.”
“Miss Tyler! Doctor! Come in! Dear, take their coats.”
Lucy had come into the foyer, wiping her hands on a tea towel thrown over her shoulder. She took the cake from Rose and shook her hand, then the Doctors.
“Oh, this is lovely….” Lucy took the sleeve of Rose’s dress between her finger. “Synthetic?”
Rose’s smile tightened. “Flame retardant.”
Lucy made a sympathetic sound in her throat, and ushered the party into a parlor. “I’m finishing up with the main course now, and we can all sit down soon. There’s drinks and appetizers in the parlor. Why don’t the three of you get to know each other while I finish up. And behave yourselves.”
The Doctor made a grab for a glass of wine, but Rose deftly grabbed the glass with a smile.
“So….Lucy’s nice.” Rose started.
“Can’t say much for her taste in men, though.” The Doctor muttered, and Rose poked him.
“Why don’t we talk about school some more?” The Master rocked back and forth on his feet. “You’ve jogged my memory now, and I’m sure Rose is dying to know about the time I replaced the answers on your exams with excerpts from off-world pornography. And then posted the test in the main hall.” The Master closed his eyes. “You were almost expelled.”
The Doctor choked. “I’m sure she’d be much more interested to know about the time I smuggled two goats, four rabbits wearing the robes of higher professors into your room. I still have a laugh about that.”
The Master narrowed his eyes. “I slept with your girlfriend.”
“I didn’t HAVE a girlfriend! HA!” The Doctor crossed his arms and nodded at this bit of unassailable logic, and Rose just took a larger than average swig from her wineglass.
“Dinner’s ready!”
“Oh, thank god…”Rose muttered. “Something else to occupy their mouths.”
They made their way to the dining room, but Rose refused to relinquish her wine.
“Did you have a nice chat?” Lucy asked as everyone was seating.
“Oh, fabulous.” Rose’s smile didn’t reach her eyes. “Lucy, you know, I’ve been wondering, how did you and the Master…meet?”
“Oh!” Lucy smiled as she poured her own glass of wine (noticeably did not offer one to the Master. Or the Doctor. Rose thanked heaven for sensible women). “My father was very ill, so close to death’s door and the hospital had no idea what to do. And there was the Master, offering to sort the whole thing out. He spoke to the hospital, started taking care of my father….”
“I moved his consciousness from his body into a six foot killer robot.” The Master finished.
Rose’s jaw dropped. The Doctor choked on his soup.
“It was love.” Lucy finished. She gestured to the soup “Is it good?”
“Maybe…less pepper next time.” His eyes watered. The Master snickered.
“So, Rose!” The Master clapped his hands. “I hear your responsible for our Doctor here’s current look. You know, frankly, I’ve been trying to kill him for ages and I could use some tips.”
“I’m not sure it’s polite to talk about death and the dinner table.” Lucy looked considering. “Especially not your own.”
“Er.” Rose took a breath.
“I kissed her. Worked like a charm. Keeled right over.” The Doctor ground out. Rose hit him the arm. The Master studied the pair of them.
“Well, I haven’t tried that one.”
“And you’re not going to!” Rose snapped.
“If that’s what happens when you kiss someone, no wonder you didn’t have a girlfriend in college.” The Master pushed his soup away and moved to start serving the main course.
“That doesn’t always happen! I can kiss girls. I’ve kissed loads of girls! Even after I kissed Rose, so it’s not like it’s some recent development!”
“Excuse me?” Rose was halfway out of her chair.
“Erm.”
The Master laughed. “Oh, this was a good idea. I don’t think I’ve had this much fun since the last time I killed everyone on Earth and stole your TARDIS. You know it’s been a while since I did that. I’m overdue.”
The Doctor pulled out his sonic screwdriver. “Over my dead body.”
The Master pulled out his laser screwdriver. “That was the plan.”
“I have had it with you insulting me and threatening Rose all night. And I knowyou snuck some pears into those spinach puffs, which were otherwise very good thank you Lucy. My mouth is all itchy now. But that’s not the point. The point is we do this now.”
“The only point you’ve got is on top of your head!”
“Oh, real original! What does that even mean, anyway!”
The two Time Lords were out of their seats now, leaning across the table towards one another, brandishing their screwdrivers.
“HARRY! How many times have I told you, no sonic at the table!”
“It’s not sonic! It’s laser! That makes it better!”
“Oh, deadlier more like! Honestly, why not just build a laser hammer, it’d do the same thing!”
The Doctor practically had his knee in the soup and The Master’s tie was dipping into a mixed salad. They were practically nose to nose now, despite Lucy and Rose pulling at their arms, and jackets.
“It can do more things! It can do lots of things! I just added three new settings last night!”
“I added five!”
“ARGH.”
That last one was Rose, who had stopped tugging on the Doctor’s arm, picked up a handful of mashed potatoes, and tossed them in the Doctor’s direction. She overshot, and hit the Master square in the face. The Doctor laughed. The Master hit him with a turkey leg. The Doctor dumped his over-peppered soup down the Master’s front. The Master reached for Rose’s cake but the Doctor stopped him.
“Don’t touch that.”
“Oh, so it’s okay to throw around my wife’s cooking the minute I go for your blonde’s store bought bakery cake-”
They were back to the screwdriver wars. Lucy had given up. She’d grabbed the wine from the table and was cradling bottle and glass as she watched the wreck of the dinner table.
“Yes! And it’s not store bought! And she’s not my wife!”
“With a screwdriver that size I can see why!”
“Oh, here we go, the size jokes, honestly, I bet yours is twice as big as it needs to be. Overcompensating, hmmm?”
“Now who’s going for the old jokes?!”
“It’s not the SIZE!” Rose yelled and grabbed the Doctor’s screwdriver. “It’s how you use it.”
She flicked a button, and her previously untouched cake exploded outwards in a mass of white and pink frosting, bit of yellow sticking to the walls. The Master, being closest, bore the brunt of the exploding cake. He blinked. Rose grabbed the Doctor’s hand.
“Run!”
The pair scrambled out of the house and down the street, laughing with one another as they went.
When they stopped to catch their breath, Rose hugged the Doctor, and he hugged her back, the two them sticking together slightly from all the food they were wearing.
“You were right. That was three suitcases full of bad.” Rose mumbled against his neck.
“Two suitcases and a carry-on.” The Doctor grinned down at her. “Rose, did you really put explosives in the cake?”
“Well, only in one half. And only just in case we needed to make a quick getaway. That part was burnt, anyway.”
The Doctor beamed down at her, wiped away some pink icing from her cheek. “That’s my girl. Rose Tyler, you’ve no idea how happy I am that you’re back.”
Rose nudged his should and linked their arms together.
“I know.”
Rating: PG
Summary: There are two things you don't talk about at the dinner table. Unfortunately when Rose, Lucy, the Doctor, and the Master sit down to dinner, those might be the only safe topics.
Politics and Religion
“I can’t believe you bought a cake.”
"I didn't buy it, I baked it."
The Doctor knew (but would never admit) that he’d had a few bad ideas in his time. But this one had been really bad. A suitcase full of bad. Maybe even two suitcases full, with a little carry on case of bad that was stopped by customs for being so full of bad. And usually the Doctor could get out of his bad ideas, or luckily have them turn out good at the last minute. And usually Rose helped. But not this time, oh no. This time she was going along with it. And not letting him weasel out of this catastrophically bad idea.
"I can't believe you baked a cake. You never bake me cakes. Or let me eat frosting."
“That's because you want to eat it straight from the can! Anyway, it’s polite. They're making dinner, we bring desert. Or wine, but I don’t want to know what might happen if you drink tonight.”
The Doctor tried to peer into the cake box but Rose snatched it away.
“Did you at least add poison? Or….apricots?”
Rose wrinkled her nose, “Why apricots? Oh, wait I bet he doesn’t like them, huh?”
The Doctor kind of slowed down and ducked his head. Rose sighed.
“We are going to dinner. You will be polite. I will be polite. Nobody will try to poison anybody else, and it will be fun.”
“And if he tries to dissect your brain, Rose, you know-”
“I know, I know! Knee him in the balls! It’s not like you’ve told me that twenty times in the last two minutes.”
“That’s actually a standard form of greeting among our people. You should just do it anyway. Like shaking hands.”
If Rose could have put her face in her hands without getting cake all over it, she would have.
The worst idea he’d ever had.
They were going to have dinner with the Master.
“I can’t believe you’re actually cooking.”
“It’s a dinner party. Generally the hosts cook the food. It’s only polite.”
“They don’t need cooked food. Or real food. Wax fruit. Maybe just a picture of a turkey. Arby’s.”
Lucy eyed the Master over the fruit plate she was arranging.
“I was raised better than that.”
“Of course. My perfectly polite society wife would never think of serving my greatest enemy Arby’s. Only a four course meal for him.”
Lucy narrowed her eyes. “You can overpepper his soup if he’s rude, but not a moment before.”
The Master perked up. “With his gob, that’s practically a given! I'll get out the pepper mill now."
The Master peered over Lucy’s shoulder as put the finishing touches on a starter. He smiled in a bright and not at all psychotic or mischievous way.
“Can we add pears?”
“It’s not too soon to back out, you know. He won’t mind if we don’t show up. He might think I’m dead. It’ll make his night.” The Doctor tugged on Rose’s arm, making a last ditch effort as they approached the looming mansion. Rose shook her head.
“I promised Lucy I’d drag you even if it was kicking and screaming. Honestly Doctor, this was your idea! ‘Maybe it’s time to make amends’ you said. ‘Some bonding time with the last of my species’ you said. I know you two haven’t always gotten a long, but you can’t avoid him forever, you know.”
The Doctor crossed his arms and sulked. “Yes, well, only because he’ll try to steal my TARDIS and destroy the world, again. Actually, he overdue, so it’s just as well we left her at your flat.”
For what felt like the hundredth time that night, Rose sighed.
“Rose, it’s the MASTER. He’s going to make this as deliberately unpleasant as possible for all of us.”
“Right, like you weren’t asking me to try and steal his Secret Evil Diary for blackmail material two minutes ago.”
“He’s going to try and feed us Arby’s! And put pepper in my soup! And he’ll just brag on and on about how many more settings his screwdrivers got, and I bet he’ll drag out that old story about how when we were in the Academy he drew all over my face while I was sleeping in class. In permanent ink.”
“I’d forgotten about that one, but I’m always happy to relive a simpler time.”
Rose and the Doctor had made it to the front door, and at some point during their argument, the Master had decided to let them in. He’d considered letting them stand there for an hour, and possibly dumping water from the second story balcony on their heads, but eventually they would drip all over his carpet and the Master hated soggy carpets.
Rose put out her hand.
“Rose Tyler.”
The Master grinned, and simply stared at her from head to toe. “I know who you are. The Doctor has said so much about you.”
“He knows you ripped open the TARDIS. He only wants to dissect your brain.” The Doctor deadpanned.
“Only a little dissecting. Before dessert.”
Rose smiled. “Oh, I know what to do about that.”
“Miss Tyler! Doctor! Come in! Dear, take their coats.”
Lucy had come into the foyer, wiping her hands on a tea towel thrown over her shoulder. She took the cake from Rose and shook her hand, then the Doctors.
“Oh, this is lovely….” Lucy took the sleeve of Rose’s dress between her finger. “Synthetic?”
Rose’s smile tightened. “Flame retardant.”
Lucy made a sympathetic sound in her throat, and ushered the party into a parlor. “I’m finishing up with the main course now, and we can all sit down soon. There’s drinks and appetizers in the parlor. Why don’t the three of you get to know each other while I finish up. And behave yourselves.”
The Doctor made a grab for a glass of wine, but Rose deftly grabbed the glass with a smile.
“So….Lucy’s nice.” Rose started.
“Can’t say much for her taste in men, though.” The Doctor muttered, and Rose poked him.
“Why don’t we talk about school some more?” The Master rocked back and forth on his feet. “You’ve jogged my memory now, and I’m sure Rose is dying to know about the time I replaced the answers on your exams with excerpts from off-world pornography. And then posted the test in the main hall.” The Master closed his eyes. “You were almost expelled.”
The Doctor choked. “I’m sure she’d be much more interested to know about the time I smuggled two goats, four rabbits wearing the robes of higher professors into your room. I still have a laugh about that.”
The Master narrowed his eyes. “I slept with your girlfriend.”
“I didn’t HAVE a girlfriend! HA!” The Doctor crossed his arms and nodded at this bit of unassailable logic, and Rose just took a larger than average swig from her wineglass.
“Dinner’s ready!”
“Oh, thank god…”Rose muttered. “Something else to occupy their mouths.”
They made their way to the dining room, but Rose refused to relinquish her wine.
“Did you have a nice chat?” Lucy asked as everyone was seating.
“Oh, fabulous.” Rose’s smile didn’t reach her eyes. “Lucy, you know, I’ve been wondering, how did you and the Master…meet?”
“Oh!” Lucy smiled as she poured her own glass of wine (noticeably did not offer one to the Master. Or the Doctor. Rose thanked heaven for sensible women). “My father was very ill, so close to death’s door and the hospital had no idea what to do. And there was the Master, offering to sort the whole thing out. He spoke to the hospital, started taking care of my father….”
“I moved his consciousness from his body into a six foot killer robot.” The Master finished.
Rose’s jaw dropped. The Doctor choked on his soup.
“It was love.” Lucy finished. She gestured to the soup “Is it good?”
“Maybe…less pepper next time.” His eyes watered. The Master snickered.
“So, Rose!” The Master clapped his hands. “I hear your responsible for our Doctor here’s current look. You know, frankly, I’ve been trying to kill him for ages and I could use some tips.”
“I’m not sure it’s polite to talk about death and the dinner table.” Lucy looked considering. “Especially not your own.”
“Er.” Rose took a breath.
“I kissed her. Worked like a charm. Keeled right over.” The Doctor ground out. Rose hit him the arm. The Master studied the pair of them.
“Well, I haven’t tried that one.”
“And you’re not going to!” Rose snapped.
“If that’s what happens when you kiss someone, no wonder you didn’t have a girlfriend in college.” The Master pushed his soup away and moved to start serving the main course.
“That doesn’t always happen! I can kiss girls. I’ve kissed loads of girls! Even after I kissed Rose, so it’s not like it’s some recent development!”
“Excuse me?” Rose was halfway out of her chair.
“Erm.”
The Master laughed. “Oh, this was a good idea. I don’t think I’ve had this much fun since the last time I killed everyone on Earth and stole your TARDIS. You know it’s been a while since I did that. I’m overdue.”
The Doctor pulled out his sonic screwdriver. “Over my dead body.”
The Master pulled out his laser screwdriver. “That was the plan.”
“I have had it with you insulting me and threatening Rose all night. And I knowyou snuck some pears into those spinach puffs, which were otherwise very good thank you Lucy. My mouth is all itchy now. But that’s not the point. The point is we do this now.”
“The only point you’ve got is on top of your head!”
“Oh, real original! What does that even mean, anyway!”
The two Time Lords were out of their seats now, leaning across the table towards one another, brandishing their screwdrivers.
“HARRY! How many times have I told you, no sonic at the table!”
“It’s not sonic! It’s laser! That makes it better!”
“Oh, deadlier more like! Honestly, why not just build a laser hammer, it’d do the same thing!”
The Doctor practically had his knee in the soup and The Master’s tie was dipping into a mixed salad. They were practically nose to nose now, despite Lucy and Rose pulling at their arms, and jackets.
“It can do more things! It can do lots of things! I just added three new settings last night!”
“I added five!”
“ARGH.”
That last one was Rose, who had stopped tugging on the Doctor’s arm, picked up a handful of mashed potatoes, and tossed them in the Doctor’s direction. She overshot, and hit the Master square in the face. The Doctor laughed. The Master hit him with a turkey leg. The Doctor dumped his over-peppered soup down the Master’s front. The Master reached for Rose’s cake but the Doctor stopped him.
“Don’t touch that.”
“Oh, so it’s okay to throw around my wife’s cooking the minute I go for your blonde’s store bought bakery cake-”
They were back to the screwdriver wars. Lucy had given up. She’d grabbed the wine from the table and was cradling bottle and glass as she watched the wreck of the dinner table.
“Yes! And it’s not store bought! And she’s not my wife!”
“With a screwdriver that size I can see why!”
“Oh, here we go, the size jokes, honestly, I bet yours is twice as big as it needs to be. Overcompensating, hmmm?”
“Now who’s going for the old jokes?!”
“It’s not the SIZE!” Rose yelled and grabbed the Doctor’s screwdriver. “It’s how you use it.”
She flicked a button, and her previously untouched cake exploded outwards in a mass of white and pink frosting, bit of yellow sticking to the walls. The Master, being closest, bore the brunt of the exploding cake. He blinked. Rose grabbed the Doctor’s hand.
“Run!”
The pair scrambled out of the house and down the street, laughing with one another as they went.
When they stopped to catch their breath, Rose hugged the Doctor, and he hugged her back, the two them sticking together slightly from all the food they were wearing.
“You were right. That was three suitcases full of bad.” Rose mumbled against his neck.
“Two suitcases and a carry-on.” The Doctor grinned down at her. “Rose, did you really put explosives in the cake?”
“Well, only in one half. And only just in case we needed to make a quick getaway. That part was burnt, anyway.”
The Doctor beamed down at her, wiped away some pink icing from her cheek. “That’s my girl. Rose Tyler, you’ve no idea how happy I am that you’re back.”
Rose nudged his should and linked their arms together.
“I know.”