~last chance saloon~
I really feel lke I should make an effort with this entry. It is probbly the last chance that I will get to write until mid-next-week. I have Uni full time until Wednesday. I am secretly hoping to borrow Mum's car so that I can drive to classes instead of catching the bus. It takes the same amount of time to do either, but I need to go to the Uni library tomorrow and don't feel like hauling a bag of books all the way accross town!
I have been feeling really strange over the past few days. I don't even know how to describe it. I feel like I did when I was living at home with my Mum, Dad and sister a few years ago (2001-2002). I am sure that it is just 'that time of year', but with winter starting to settle in, Easter on the way and the days getting shorter I feel the same as I did then. I feel as if my last tether to Earth and reality is about to be plucked lose. The days are all merging into one long Autumn watercolour and whilst everyone else is going about their business, I feel like I am standing completely still.
I have a three hour shift at work today which will distract me nicely. It's Sunday, so I'll probably be lumped doing price changes and new releases. I hated work a few months ago - I really dreaded going and despised every second that I was there. This sounds stupid, but I still get really nervous about shifts and I get sweaty and anxious, but I don't hate going any more. Work doesn't feel like a chore. Sure I have to listen to, and often reccommend shitty music to customers who don't know better, but it could be worse...
I have my script-writng class tomorrow and I need to find a copy of my Cassandra short story to create a synopsis. I am pretty sure that I have submitted a couple of variations of the tale to OD on occasion. It sounds weird, but I have been obsessed with that particular myth for a long time. I used it on my year 12 art piece (in 2000) and have used it various times for short stories through Uni. The idea of being able to predict the future - the gift of foresight, coupled with the fact that Casandra was destined not to be believed kind of reminds me of myself. I always feel as if something bad is happening or is about to happen. I think I inherited the 'worry' thought process from my Mother - she always used to think that something bad was going to happen. It kind of got worse after something bad did happen (the big car accident in 2000 which almost killed her only children). I guess that something bad is always going to happen. The world isn't necessarily a good place.
I'm going to start work on my Uni assignments next week (well, tomorrow). I have similar due dates for all three of my classes, the first of the rounds being due the first week of April. I think that most of my assignments are due on the days that I am not at Uni (Thursday and Friday) and I would prefer to hand them in before they are due, rather than wait until the Monday to lose 2% of my ggrade. I have a relatively busy week next week; Uni: Monday-Wednesday and then I am going to see Cog (hurrah Cog!) perform at the Clipsal 500 on Thursday after working from 9-2. I will probably be too busy to go to band practice, but that doesn't bother me. Once it starts to cool down in terms of the weather, all the boys stay inside the jam room which gets overly hot and starts to smell like ballsack (or 5 sweaty full grown men) after a while. Gross!
My food/eating issues are simmering under the surface. I think that now I am used to being this weight, I am starting to chastise myself for eating too much. I might start exercising again properly next week. The cooler weather puts me in the mood to eat more and I really want to pre-empt any thoughts of binging and purging. I didn't really eat any more than usual yesterday:
Breakfast: Apple, yoghurt, crunchola
Lunch: Salad (lettuce, tomato, cucumber, corn, tuna)
Dinner: Baked beans, 2 Saos
Supper: Ice cream
Snacks: Cadbury Creme Egg (must stop buying them - I am a fondant addict!)
2 Paradise lite cookies
3 Saos
1 slice of cheese
For some reason it feels like a lot (too much?). I really have to get off of the Cadbury Creme Egg bandwagon - I have had about 8 this year and it isn't even Easter yet. I do have a theory that they prevent me from binging on chocolate because they are so sweet that I can't stomach any extra chocolate after I have downed one of those. It is strange because I feel so liberated from my ED in one sense - I am eating un-safe food, eating regularly, eating out and eating unplanned - things I never used to be able to do, but despite this freedom, I am still wrapped up in the cycle of negative thinking that goes hand in hand with an ED. My priorities, in terms of 'this' are to keep myself from binge purging and reverting to that destructive cycle, but I can't help that I am feeding another equally dangerous desire by spending so much time thinking about food and weight. If I were really thin, surely I wouldn't feel like this. I don't trust my body. Only a few months ago I was gaining like mad on just under 1000 cal per day what is to stop me from doing the same thing?
Ugh. Stupid body. Life would make so much more sense if I were a mind suspended in space; no body, no corporeality, just my thoughts...
I have been feeling really strange over the past few days. I don't even know how to describe it. I feel like I did when I was living at home with my Mum, Dad and sister a few years ago (2001-2002). I am sure that it is just 'that time of year', but with winter starting to settle in, Easter on the way and the days getting shorter I feel the same as I did then. I feel as if my last tether to Earth and reality is about to be plucked lose. The days are all merging into one long Autumn watercolour and whilst everyone else is going about their business, I feel like I am standing completely still.
I have a three hour shift at work today which will distract me nicely. It's Sunday, so I'll probably be lumped doing price changes and new releases. I hated work a few months ago - I really dreaded going and despised every second that I was there. This sounds stupid, but I still get really nervous about shifts and I get sweaty and anxious, but I don't hate going any more. Work doesn't feel like a chore. Sure I have to listen to, and often reccommend shitty music to customers who don't know better, but it could be worse...
I have my script-writng class tomorrow and I need to find a copy of my Cassandra short story to create a synopsis. I am pretty sure that I have submitted a couple of variations of the tale to OD on occasion. It sounds weird, but I have been obsessed with that particular myth for a long time. I used it on my year 12 art piece (in 2000) and have used it various times for short stories through Uni. The idea of being able to predict the future - the gift of foresight, coupled with the fact that Casandra was destined not to be believed kind of reminds me of myself. I always feel as if something bad is happening or is about to happen. I think I inherited the 'worry' thought process from my Mother - she always used to think that something bad was going to happen. It kind of got worse after something bad did happen (the big car accident in 2000 which almost killed her only children). I guess that something bad is always going to happen. The world isn't necessarily a good place.
I'm going to start work on my Uni assignments next week (well, tomorrow). I have similar due dates for all three of my classes, the first of the rounds being due the first week of April. I think that most of my assignments are due on the days that I am not at Uni (Thursday and Friday) and I would prefer to hand them in before they are due, rather than wait until the Monday to lose 2% of my ggrade. I have a relatively busy week next week; Uni: Monday-Wednesday and then I am going to see Cog (hurrah Cog!) perform at the Clipsal 500 on Thursday after working from 9-2. I will probably be too busy to go to band practice, but that doesn't bother me. Once it starts to cool down in terms of the weather, all the boys stay inside the jam room which gets overly hot and starts to smell like ballsack (or 5 sweaty full grown men) after a while. Gross!
My food/eating issues are simmering under the surface. I think that now I am used to being this weight, I am starting to chastise myself for eating too much. I might start exercising again properly next week. The cooler weather puts me in the mood to eat more and I really want to pre-empt any thoughts of binging and purging. I didn't really eat any more than usual yesterday:
Breakfast: Apple, yoghurt, crunchola
Lunch: Salad (lettuce, tomato, cucumber, corn, tuna)
Dinner: Baked beans, 2 Saos
Supper: Ice cream
Snacks: Cadbury Creme Egg (must stop buying them - I am a fondant addict!)
2 Paradise lite cookies
3 Saos
1 slice of cheese
For some reason it feels like a lot (too much?). I really have to get off of the Cadbury Creme Egg bandwagon - I have had about 8 this year and it isn't even Easter yet. I do have a theory that they prevent me from binging on chocolate because they are so sweet that I can't stomach any extra chocolate after I have downed one of those. It is strange because I feel so liberated from my ED in one sense - I am eating un-safe food, eating regularly, eating out and eating unplanned - things I never used to be able to do, but despite this freedom, I am still wrapped up in the cycle of negative thinking that goes hand in hand with an ED. My priorities, in terms of 'this' are to keep myself from binge purging and reverting to that destructive cycle, but I can't help that I am feeding another equally dangerous desire by spending so much time thinking about food and weight. If I were really thin, surely I wouldn't feel like this. I don't trust my body. Only a few months ago I was gaining like mad on just under 1000 cal per day what is to stop me from doing the same thing?
Ugh. Stupid body. Life would make so much more sense if I were a mind suspended in space; no body, no corporeality, just my thoughts...