~racing towards oblivion~
It's been a while since I last updated. It's a good thing though - the less time I spend in my introspective little world, the better. Sometimes I get way too focussed on my inner workingsand I don't think it is particularly healthy for me to spend most of my time dwelling on myself.
I had a good weekend. I went to Madame Josephine's (a male strip club) on Saturday night with Sarah, Mouse (Tony's partner), Lori (Danny's partner) and Julie (Sarah's good mate and Adam's current girlfriend). I have to say that it was a pretty funny evening, although I have never been less turned on in my life. Sarah told me that the strippers wouldn't target people who were confident and looked them in the eye. So I stare down all of the pretty strippers, but end up getting 'chosen' twice. Nothing too mortifying. I had my hand shoved down the pants of a Top Gun style stripper guy and my face rubbed into the groin area of a (clothed - thank God!) fireman stripper. There is something undeniably funny about the male physique in all of its glory. I swear that majority of the strippers an waiters (clad only in tiny Calvin Kleins) were gay. They were prettier than me AND had great rhythm. We finished in town at abut 1:30 and then Lori, Mouse and I caught a cab back to our friend's place where our boyfriends were anxiously awaiting our return.
Chris was VERY reluctant to kiss me when I got back - I had to guarantee that my mouth hadn't come into contact with any male genetalia (At Madame Josephine's some of the strippers stir drinks with their 'members'). I promised him that my vodka and diet cokes were neither shaken or stirred. I'm not really sure if there are health risks involved in stirring beverages with love wands, either way, I ordered my drinks direct from the bar and didn't leave them unattended! My relationship with Chris is amazing right now. Even though it has been 2 years, I still feel in the first bloom of love. I am very, very happy with him. He has taught me so much during our time together. He loves me: body and soul and has taught me that my body can bring joy in some capacity. Things have been very sweet between us lately - probably because we aren't spending all of our time in each other's pockets.
I have been doing pretty well with Uni-type stuff as well. I got a HD (90%) on my first History essay - which I really didn't expect. I have also submitted most of my work on time this semester. I just have to hold it together for a few more months and keep focussed on my studies. I did take a 'metal health' day today (translation: it was way too easy to convince myself to stay at hime today). I have a Research Proposal due on Friday and I just changed the subjects that I am going to cover, so I wanted to spend some quality time on that. I'm not going to be able to hand it in on Friday (it is just the distance thing). I might send a courtesy email my tutor and explain that I live 1.5 hours from campus AND that I had to change my topics because of a lack of resources and let her know that I will be handing in my proposal on Monday. She might not deduct marks for lateness - fingers crossed.
As well as History, I am really enjoying my English subject this semester. I was feeling a little lost and rather behind until our most recent tutorial, but I found out that I have already handed in an assignment that I thought was due before the break (which isn't due til' next week) AND I am ahead in my readings. I am almost finished Howard's End. I was VERY reluctant to read such an 'old fashioned' book. I tend to avoid Classical English literature like the plague, purely because I thought it must be totally irrelevant and full of bodice-ripping and petticoats. I was very surpised by how much I am enjoying Howard's End (I also have to read Sense and Sensibility and The Age of Innocence this semester). It isn't so much the plot, more the way that Forster utilises language. He was a man lost in a rapidly modernising world. Sometimes I think that technology has advanced so quickly, and has made life so easy that people are forced inwards because we have so little to really think about. Depression, Eating Disorders, Mental Illness weren't so prevalent when life was harder. We are marching forwards towards nothing in particular, I'm not surprised that Western man is finding it so difficult to adapt to life. We haven't evolved as a species to our advancing technology.
I have been doing reasonably in terms of my eating. I try to push my weight up, then I spend the next few days compensating for my indiscretions. I weighed in this morning, convinced that I had gained so much weight (I felt very, very fat after a few days of non-restrictive eating), but much to m surprise I had dropped back a little bit. I can't believe how enormous I feel, despite gaining back only 1.5-2kg from my all time low weight. I know I'm NOT enormous - I looked ridiculous in a 'M' sized jersey dress I tried on on Saturay - like I was wearing a sack. I had to buy a size 8 (Au/6UK/4US) blouse. I'm a tall girl and I have a relatively large frame. I can't possibly be as fat as I feel if I am that size. I think my problem lies in trust. I refuse to believe that I should gain weight because I feel so fat. I trust my judgement over everyone elses, even though I know that I am wrong. I don't trust other people when they say I am thin - I feel like they just want me to fatten up. Besides the loss of periods, I am pretty healthy. I try to get in as much fruit and veg as I can every day, I don't exclude food groups other than red meat (which I have always avoided). I'm even eating fats, sugars and carbs. I can survive like this, and to tell the truth I would rather be marginally underweight than normal weight and binge/purging.
I have no basis for comparison any more. Before I got sick, I was at school full-time. I don't know how to function as an adult without resorting to ED behaviour. I don't know why I can't let this go. All I know is that I can't/won't do it. I truly believe that I wil have to live with ths for the rest of my life. It has been five years, I have a less than 50% recovery rate now. I would like to learn to LIVE with my ED if I can't live without it and I think that perhaps gradually I will be able to let go. Oh, I applied for a recovery program that they are offering at Uni. It is exprimental, but looks interesting. I don't know if I will be suitable for the program - I think it is primarily for bulimia treatment. I haven't made myself sick since New Years Eve - over 100 days now, and my lack of period/BMI means that I currently don't meet the assessment criteria for Bulimia Nervosa. It is an 8 week course about modifying behaviours and actions that enable EDs to continue.
I'm not resigning myself to my ED, I'm just not optimistic about the idea of complete recovery. I'm going to keep fighting, stay in treatment and try out anything that offers respite. I want to have kids in a few years and I don't want my behaviour to jeopardise getting pregnant or the health of my children. I also don't want my children growing up to believe that uber-thinness is desireable - we have this message forced down our throats on a daily basis by the media, kids don't need it from their parents.
Happiness and Health are so important to me
I had a good weekend. I went to Madame Josephine's (a male strip club) on Saturday night with Sarah, Mouse (Tony's partner), Lori (Danny's partner) and Julie (Sarah's good mate and Adam's current girlfriend). I have to say that it was a pretty funny evening, although I have never been less turned on in my life. Sarah told me that the strippers wouldn't target people who were confident and looked them in the eye. So I stare down all of the pretty strippers, but end up getting 'chosen' twice. Nothing too mortifying. I had my hand shoved down the pants of a Top Gun style stripper guy and my face rubbed into the groin area of a (clothed - thank God!) fireman stripper. There is something undeniably funny about the male physique in all of its glory. I swear that majority of the strippers an waiters (clad only in tiny Calvin Kleins) were gay. They were prettier than me AND had great rhythm. We finished in town at abut 1:30 and then Lori, Mouse and I caught a cab back to our friend's place where our boyfriends were anxiously awaiting our return.
Chris was VERY reluctant to kiss me when I got back - I had to guarantee that my mouth hadn't come into contact with any male genetalia (At Madame Josephine's some of the strippers stir drinks with their 'members'). I promised him that my vodka and diet cokes were neither shaken or stirred. I'm not really sure if there are health risks involved in stirring beverages with love wands, either way, I ordered my drinks direct from the bar and didn't leave them unattended! My relationship with Chris is amazing right now. Even though it has been 2 years, I still feel in the first bloom of love. I am very, very happy with him. He has taught me so much during our time together. He loves me: body and soul and has taught me that my body can bring joy in some capacity. Things have been very sweet between us lately - probably because we aren't spending all of our time in each other's pockets.
I have been doing pretty well with Uni-type stuff as well. I got a HD (90%) on my first History essay - which I really didn't expect. I have also submitted most of my work on time this semester. I just have to hold it together for a few more months and keep focussed on my studies. I did take a 'metal health' day today (translation: it was way too easy to convince myself to stay at hime today). I have a Research Proposal due on Friday and I just changed the subjects that I am going to cover, so I wanted to spend some quality time on that. I'm not going to be able to hand it in on Friday (it is just the distance thing). I might send a courtesy email my tutor and explain that I live 1.5 hours from campus AND that I had to change my topics because of a lack of resources and let her know that I will be handing in my proposal on Monday. She might not deduct marks for lateness - fingers crossed.
As well as History, I am really enjoying my English subject this semester. I was feeling a little lost and rather behind until our most recent tutorial, but I found out that I have already handed in an assignment that I thought was due before the break (which isn't due til' next week) AND I am ahead in my readings. I am almost finished Howard's End. I was VERY reluctant to read such an 'old fashioned' book. I tend to avoid Classical English literature like the plague, purely because I thought it must be totally irrelevant and full of bodice-ripping and petticoats. I was very surpised by how much I am enjoying Howard's End (I also have to read Sense and Sensibility and The Age of Innocence this semester). It isn't so much the plot, more the way that Forster utilises language. He was a man lost in a rapidly modernising world. Sometimes I think that technology has advanced so quickly, and has made life so easy that people are forced inwards because we have so little to really think about. Depression, Eating Disorders, Mental Illness weren't so prevalent when life was harder. We are marching forwards towards nothing in particular, I'm not surprised that Western man is finding it so difficult to adapt to life. We haven't evolved as a species to our advancing technology.
I have been doing reasonably in terms of my eating. I try to push my weight up, then I spend the next few days compensating for my indiscretions. I weighed in this morning, convinced that I had gained so much weight (I felt very, very fat after a few days of non-restrictive eating), but much to m surprise I had dropped back a little bit. I can't believe how enormous I feel, despite gaining back only 1.5-2kg from my all time low weight. I know I'm NOT enormous - I looked ridiculous in a 'M' sized jersey dress I tried on on Saturay - like I was wearing a sack. I had to buy a size 8 (Au/6UK/4US) blouse. I'm a tall girl and I have a relatively large frame. I can't possibly be as fat as I feel if I am that size. I think my problem lies in trust. I refuse to believe that I should gain weight because I feel so fat. I trust my judgement over everyone elses, even though I know that I am wrong. I don't trust other people when they say I am thin - I feel like they just want me to fatten up. Besides the loss of periods, I am pretty healthy. I try to get in as much fruit and veg as I can every day, I don't exclude food groups other than red meat (which I have always avoided). I'm even eating fats, sugars and carbs. I can survive like this, and to tell the truth I would rather be marginally underweight than normal weight and binge/purging.
I have no basis for comparison any more. Before I got sick, I was at school full-time. I don't know how to function as an adult without resorting to ED behaviour. I don't know why I can't let this go. All I know is that I can't/won't do it. I truly believe that I wil have to live with ths for the rest of my life. It has been five years, I have a less than 50% recovery rate now. I would like to learn to LIVE with my ED if I can't live without it and I think that perhaps gradually I will be able to let go. Oh, I applied for a recovery program that they are offering at Uni. It is exprimental, but looks interesting. I don't know if I will be suitable for the program - I think it is primarily for bulimia treatment. I haven't made myself sick since New Years Eve - over 100 days now, and my lack of period/BMI means that I currently don't meet the assessment criteria for Bulimia Nervosa. It is an 8 week course about modifying behaviours and actions that enable EDs to continue.
I'm not resigning myself to my ED, I'm just not optimistic about the idea of complete recovery. I'm going to keep fighting, stay in treatment and try out anything that offers respite. I want to have kids in a few years and I don't want my behaviour to jeopardise getting pregnant or the health of my children. I also don't want my children growing up to believe that uber-thinness is desireable - we have this message forced down our throats on a daily basis by the media, kids don't need it from their parents.
Happiness and Health are so important to me