the hour, irrevocable

[solipsismsaves]

There was the smell of jam and sadness.

In our family runs the thread of melancholy and dark humor. Of seeing to the bone of things, of not averting our gaze. I am only tempered by the joviality of my father's side, where conversation is a defense against loneliness. Jove, Saturn.

In the kitchen, I am 27. My mother is 55. There is a quilt of

Comments

[macrame_owl]

did you write this? is it fiction? it's heartbreakingly good.

[solipsismsaves]

I did write this! It is not fiction. I've been trying to think about how to write about my family for a while now. This was just sort of scrambled down, after thinking about a line from Virginia Woolf's 'Mrs. Dalloway':

'...the hour, irrevocable'

Thank you, your words mean a lot!

[macrame_owl]

it reminds me of alice munro, who in my eyes, is the master of the short story. please don't stop -- i want to know what happens next! ;)

[solipsismsaves]

Thank you!

I like that image of a spectral coin flip, though it's a frightening notion.

My relationship with my mother has taken a lot of unexpected turns and changes on both our parts. It's a slow evolution, and sometimes we revert back to our reactionary ways, but this instance, where I found that scrap of paper and saw this vulnerability of my historically inpenetrable mother was very profound.

[uptightfish]

i love this. somebodies who think they are nobodies. we were never meant to survive in society, the real struggle of survival, for food and warmth and the kind of security that lasts a day or two is sort of forgotten, because instead we all stare at eachother thru closed windows, wondering what the other is thinking. do they like me? they look like they want to kill me. what will happen when we all realize we are fighting over the same scraps. when i see the fragility of my own parents, like you are seeing your mom here, they used to seem like giant shields, but then you see they are the same as you, ill-equipped but somehow just managing, makes me feel more relaxed and more nervous about my own little predicaments. but, at least you are brilliant.

what it can do, and can't undo, indeed.

[solipsismsaves]

Relaxed and nervous, totally. My mother had the stature of myth, or legend, for most of my life. It was intimidating. But slowly, she's let down her guard, and I've grown up, and we seem to be orbiting the same things. Which, as you pointed out, is both sort of comfort-making and nerve-wracking.

[calliopealive]

this is perfect. wow.

[solipsismsaves]

Thanks love! I've been inspired by your return to writing and documentation as well.

[belhonorine]

Very beautiful piece of writing.

[solipsismsaves]

Thank you! It feels rusty, but necessary.