(no subject)
Of all the (boringly) idiotic decisions (non-decisions) I've made in my life, right now it feels as if the book keeping class was the most idiotic by quite a stretch. Everyone keeps telling me I should finish it and that it'll come in useful, and I will, and I hope it does, and in any case I'll hate myself even more if I quit now, but. But. I don't even want to work with this. And, damn it, I knew this back in February, when I spent breaks crying on the toilet, but I had this idea that I had to punish myself for the decision to study archaeology and be rational and sensible for once in my life, better late than never, right, and it would get better, right? Millions of people learn that, why was I being such a special snowflake. Except, not so much (with the getting better). No more crying on the toilet, but the best I can describe it is that it feels that I have to shut myself down so much to be able to do this that I don't know any longer if I'll find myself again at the end of it. Which, I know, sounds ridiculously overdramatic, but. The sad irony of it is that I was hoping the whole thing would give me more self-confidence to find a job, because, you know, skills & whatnot. Instead I'm miserable, depressed, constantly on the verge of a breakdown, my whole life has taken on this surreal quality where... there's this... person that still sort of functions at work, and comes home and does homework and practices, but I'm miles away. Sometimes I wonder who is talking when I open my mouth. I can't even focus on anything else any longer, or sometimes I could just sit there and stare into space and not move for hours. Sometimes I'm losing my sense of time completely.
And I can't even face the prospect of looking at job adds and writing applications.
I feel a hundred years old and so tired and dead inside, and I've wasted a year that I couldn't afford to waste, and it's back to square one, no closer to finding any kind of solution, and if I hadn't already managed to fuck up my stomach again I would get blind drunk now. I really, really want to.