Dreaming in Allegory
I had the most insanely allegorical dream of my life last night. It was about Samsara and the Truth of our Selves. It was even complete with a final "moral of this story" ending.
I think I knew vaguely about this guru who had set-up shop nearby, but wasn't really concerned.
A much more pressing matter was the chest pain I had been feeling around my heart. I went to the hospital to have it looked at, and there was a phenomenal, competent doctor taking care of me. She was incredibly warm, grounded, and very smart. I was very hopeful to be working with her. She took an x-ray of my heart area and stepped out of the room while the films developed.
When she came back in, however, she had changed. Dramatically. She was now wearing an ornate black with gold trim sari that covered as much as a burka would and was really, really spaced out. She spacely told me that she couldn't read my x-rays anymore because she couldn't see or understand them. This was extremely upsetting as *I* could see that there were big white spots on my heart and lungs. I wanted to know what had happened to her. I found out that she was with the "guru" now.
In a indignant rage that this man would have taken this woman's incredible ability and motivation from her, I went to where he'd set up shop in a strip mall. I looked through the pane glass on one side, and things were a mess in there. Benches knocked over, trash on the floor, very sparse - like people weren't taking care of the room, just inhabiting it. I went to the other side with the door and began banging on the door angrily (I think the glass broke somewhat). I could see the "guru" in there with a follower - he was not an impressive man; he was furtive and radiated skeeze. I did not get how people were becoming enamored with him. He saw me looking at him and was surprised. He ordered his follower to do something and left my line of sight.
I somehow get inside of what was becoming more of a "compound" than a strip mall space. At first it seemed deserted. I went deeper in to the back and open up a door at the far end. To my utter shock, it was mostly full of my loved ones all dressed up in bright Indian silks, seeming to be utterly caught up in a raucous time. Everyone seemed intoxicated and effervescent. It was not a very big room, but it was luxurious with a big bed in the middle.
I closed the door and began to start doubting myself somewhat. They all seemed to be having fun - what right did I have to disrupt it? Then though, I met the guru. He had changed into a more aloof but dynamic man who was simultaneously emotionless but entrancing. He was with his primary "wives" - they were hanging on to him pretty slavishly. I think that there were also children around who were not being taken care of well/were actively being harmed, but I'm not sure.
Some of the wives were women I recognized (not in real life, in the dream). I knew them all to be vibrant, powerful, interesting, and exceedingly capable people. But now they were completely lost in this luxuriousness; docile and drugged. Completely beholden to whatever the "guru" told them, and completely lacking in any understanding of their own capabilities. I struggled to psychologically "pull" a couple of the trance. I wanted to free them from this man - some part of them understood they were prisoner, they would even acknowledge that was the case and momentarily say they did want out. That impulse was very quickly repressed though; like they got scared and suddenly shut down again.
With one woman, a redhead in red silks, I was able to snap her out of it. When I did, her facial features came into focus, I think because she was now the only one without a veil on. She was late 40s or early 50s. She was starting to "fight" back with me, help rail against this spell and the guru, but then she looked in a mirror. She stopped - something happened to her. I saw her facial features physically shift as she looked at herself, until she became young again. At that point she was lost, staring at herself. I think she tried to explain to me as she was "going" how good this was, but I didn't get it.
I was so angry now. I looked at the guru, tall now and clad in black silk. He was so aloof. I kept on worrying that he was about to strike me down, call the guards, etc. (at this point he seemed like the emperor of his own palace, complete with harem). Wasn't this a threat, me coming in to free all his captives? He never directly engaged though. Instead, I looked down and realized there were now several beautiful, powerful swords I could use to go after him. I momentarily got immersed in picking one out - I picked one that was gorgeous and deadly (completely covered in art nouveau style ornamentation). I identified with it; I felt very powerful now and bad ass. I was also losing sight of "the battle" itself, being caught up as I was in the feeling of righteousness and being a hero.
I don't know why I left, maybe I suddenly became uncomfortable. Outside, I was still incredibly angry and very much lost. It really did feel like the whole world was being consumed by this guy, and I was the only one who was resisting. A small, slight, ascetically dressed woman with a begging bowl came to sit by me. She was cool, self-contained, and simple - exactly like a monk. She also knew about what was happening in the compound. I vented about being so angry about losing my loved ones and expected her to say she had lost loved ones there and express a desire to save them. She didn't though - didn't know anybody in the compound and was not at all heated up and spoiling for a fight like I was. What she did know was what was happening in there.
[Moral of the story part - The nature of Samsara, and the Truth of our Selves.]
Either she went back in with me or just "showed" me. There was a small black kitten who transformed into a big, terrifying panther [relevant because I always make jokes about Anise thinking she's about to grow up to be a panther]. Suddenly, I realized what was happening and why the guru hadn't actively fought me and why nobody else was moving to break free. When in the palace, people began to experience themselves as idealized, "perfected" versions of themselves. It was what it would be like if Narcissist had had a holodeck and not just a pond.
It wasn't the love of these imagined versions of themselves that kept them there, though. It was actually the insecurity of how wrong, inadequate, and unextraordinary their real selves were that made them so beholden. Like the redhead I had shook free for a moment - she was full of life and fight for those few moments, but when her self-consciousness (shame) about her age kicked in, instead of facing that overwhelming, self-annhilating emotion, she opted for the incapacitating lie. Damningly, in being so fearful of her true nature, she didn't realize that her true strength would have been more than enough to handle working through her aging-issues if she had just tried.
The guru didn't have to do anything because everyone was too afraid to give up his illusions. The tragedy of course was that when they were in this state, they couldn't bring to the world their incomparable talent and gifts (like with the doctor). At first I was immune to the illusions - I was willing to see my own problems (the heart/lung stuff), the goodness of others (the doctor), my own sense of what was right (the anger), and the BS around me (the first image of the guru and his strip mall office). The deeper I got into his complex and the more wrapped up in the fight I got, however, the more I was sucked in. By the end, my fear of not being able to win the battle or save these people actually became the "gateway" - the swords were illusions; my fascination with them and the false sense of power that these would finally make me enough to save the day would have been the beginning of my being lost...
[Epilogue - a somewhat disconnected but happy ending (of a sort)]
I left the fight there. Walked away not sure what to do. Faded out of that dream.
Right before I woke in real life, I decided to go by myself to a large stone jetty out in the ocean and watch the sunrise. There were others there who I didn't know (yet?) - everyone stayed to themselves or in their own little groups, but there was definitely a sense of kinship among us. We were wrapped up in the moment, everyone silently and reverently watching the horizon.
The sun began to rise. It was inconceivably large and bright and warm. The sun had never, ever shone like this before. All the ocean turned a golden pink when it just began to come up over the horizon, and we had to turn our faces away part way because of the strength of light and the heat. Everything in the landscape became lit up, incandescent.
I was overwhelmed, as was everyone else.I was thought about how the cloudiness of winter had led me to forget about how bright the sun was usually. The contrast with what was happening now strained all comprehension. It was like the first moment of this sunrise undid all the visceral memories of the dark, painful past winter. A new, incomparably powerful day was dawning. This was the beginning of something radically new, yet also very long destined for all of us. It was the beginning of a Great Work, and I was there.
I think I knew vaguely about this guru who had set-up shop nearby, but wasn't really concerned.
A much more pressing matter was the chest pain I had been feeling around my heart. I went to the hospital to have it looked at, and there was a phenomenal, competent doctor taking care of me. She was incredibly warm, grounded, and very smart. I was very hopeful to be working with her. She took an x-ray of my heart area and stepped out of the room while the films developed.
When she came back in, however, she had changed. Dramatically. She was now wearing an ornate black with gold trim sari that covered as much as a burka would and was really, really spaced out. She spacely told me that she couldn't read my x-rays anymore because she couldn't see or understand them. This was extremely upsetting as *I* could see that there were big white spots on my heart and lungs. I wanted to know what had happened to her. I found out that she was with the "guru" now.
In a indignant rage that this man would have taken this woman's incredible ability and motivation from her, I went to where he'd set up shop in a strip mall. I looked through the pane glass on one side, and things were a mess in there. Benches knocked over, trash on the floor, very sparse - like people weren't taking care of the room, just inhabiting it. I went to the other side with the door and began banging on the door angrily (I think the glass broke somewhat). I could see the "guru" in there with a follower - he was not an impressive man; he was furtive and radiated skeeze. I did not get how people were becoming enamored with him. He saw me looking at him and was surprised. He ordered his follower to do something and left my line of sight.
I somehow get inside of what was becoming more of a "compound" than a strip mall space. At first it seemed deserted. I went deeper in to the back and open up a door at the far end. To my utter shock, it was mostly full of my loved ones all dressed up in bright Indian silks, seeming to be utterly caught up in a raucous time. Everyone seemed intoxicated and effervescent. It was not a very big room, but it was luxurious with a big bed in the middle.
I closed the door and began to start doubting myself somewhat. They all seemed to be having fun - what right did I have to disrupt it? Then though, I met the guru. He had changed into a more aloof but dynamic man who was simultaneously emotionless but entrancing. He was with his primary "wives" - they were hanging on to him pretty slavishly. I think that there were also children around who were not being taken care of well/were actively being harmed, but I'm not sure.
Some of the wives were women I recognized (not in real life, in the dream). I knew them all to be vibrant, powerful, interesting, and exceedingly capable people. But now they were completely lost in this luxuriousness; docile and drugged. Completely beholden to whatever the "guru" told them, and completely lacking in any understanding of their own capabilities. I struggled to psychologically "pull" a couple of the trance. I wanted to free them from this man - some part of them understood they were prisoner, they would even acknowledge that was the case and momentarily say they did want out. That impulse was very quickly repressed though; like they got scared and suddenly shut down again.
With one woman, a redhead in red silks, I was able to snap her out of it. When I did, her facial features came into focus, I think because she was now the only one without a veil on. She was late 40s or early 50s. She was starting to "fight" back with me, help rail against this spell and the guru, but then she looked in a mirror. She stopped - something happened to her. I saw her facial features physically shift as she looked at herself, until she became young again. At that point she was lost, staring at herself. I think she tried to explain to me as she was "going" how good this was, but I didn't get it.
I was so angry now. I looked at the guru, tall now and clad in black silk. He was so aloof. I kept on worrying that he was about to strike me down, call the guards, etc. (at this point he seemed like the emperor of his own palace, complete with harem). Wasn't this a threat, me coming in to free all his captives? He never directly engaged though. Instead, I looked down and realized there were now several beautiful, powerful swords I could use to go after him. I momentarily got immersed in picking one out - I picked one that was gorgeous and deadly (completely covered in art nouveau style ornamentation). I identified with it; I felt very powerful now and bad ass. I was also losing sight of "the battle" itself, being caught up as I was in the feeling of righteousness and being a hero.
I don't know why I left, maybe I suddenly became uncomfortable. Outside, I was still incredibly angry and very much lost. It really did feel like the whole world was being consumed by this guy, and I was the only one who was resisting. A small, slight, ascetically dressed woman with a begging bowl came to sit by me. She was cool, self-contained, and simple - exactly like a monk. She also knew about what was happening in the compound. I vented about being so angry about losing my loved ones and expected her to say she had lost loved ones there and express a desire to save them. She didn't though - didn't know anybody in the compound and was not at all heated up and spoiling for a fight like I was. What she did know was what was happening in there.
[Moral of the story part - The nature of Samsara, and the Truth of our Selves.]
Either she went back in with me or just "showed" me. There was a small black kitten who transformed into a big, terrifying panther [relevant because I always make jokes about Anise thinking she's about to grow up to be a panther]. Suddenly, I realized what was happening and why the guru hadn't actively fought me and why nobody else was moving to break free. When in the palace, people began to experience themselves as idealized, "perfected" versions of themselves. It was what it would be like if Narcissist had had a holodeck and not just a pond.
It wasn't the love of these imagined versions of themselves that kept them there, though. It was actually the insecurity of how wrong, inadequate, and unextraordinary their real selves were that made them so beholden. Like the redhead I had shook free for a moment - she was full of life and fight for those few moments, but when her self-consciousness (shame) about her age kicked in, instead of facing that overwhelming, self-annhilating emotion, she opted for the incapacitating lie. Damningly, in being so fearful of her true nature, she didn't realize that her true strength would have been more than enough to handle working through her aging-issues if she had just tried.
The guru didn't have to do anything because everyone was too afraid to give up his illusions. The tragedy of course was that when they were in this state, they couldn't bring to the world their incomparable talent and gifts (like with the doctor). At first I was immune to the illusions - I was willing to see my own problems (the heart/lung stuff), the goodness of others (the doctor), my own sense of what was right (the anger), and the BS around me (the first image of the guru and his strip mall office). The deeper I got into his complex and the more wrapped up in the fight I got, however, the more I was sucked in. By the end, my fear of not being able to win the battle or save these people actually became the "gateway" - the swords were illusions; my fascination with them and the false sense of power that these would finally make me enough to save the day would have been the beginning of my being lost...
[Epilogue - a somewhat disconnected but happy ending (of a sort)]
I left the fight there. Walked away not sure what to do. Faded out of that dream.
Right before I woke in real life, I decided to go by myself to a large stone jetty out in the ocean and watch the sunrise. There were others there who I didn't know (yet?) - everyone stayed to themselves or in their own little groups, but there was definitely a sense of kinship among us. We were wrapped up in the moment, everyone silently and reverently watching the horizon.
The sun began to rise. It was inconceivably large and bright and warm. The sun had never, ever shone like this before. All the ocean turned a golden pink when it just began to come up over the horizon, and we had to turn our faces away part way because of the strength of light and the heat. Everything in the landscape became lit up, incandescent.
I was overwhelmed, as was everyone else.I was thought about how the cloudiness of winter had led me to forget about how bright the sun was usually. The contrast with what was happening now strained all comprehension. It was like the first moment of this sunrise undid all the visceral memories of the dark, painful past winter. A new, incomparably powerful day was dawning. This was the beginning of something radically new, yet also very long destined for all of us. It was the beginning of a Great Work, and I was there.