Short Message Service Vol. I
This text-based fic is brought to you by The power of Procrastination
Notes: Written for this prompt.
Summary: Sherlock has a secret friend (since long before he met John) who also prefers to text.
Acknowledgement: Many thanks to frayedshoelace for being my beta (but mostly for pointing out that it's called "prompt").
***
Mr Holmes,
stop texting your brother.
He is in a meeting.
The obnoxious
bastard can turn off
his phone.
SH
He is waiting for a call.
Who are you?
SH
I’m sure you’ll figure
it out.
Is that a challenge?
SH
It’s an observation.
Give me a clue.
SH
Stop texting your
brother.
That is not a clue.
SH
Stop.
If you tell me who you
are.
SH
I thought you’d have
figured it out by now.
Should I be insulted?
You obviously work
for my brother; you
need no further insult.
SH
Now you’re getting
somewhere. I was
starting to think your
brother thought too
highly of you.
I find it a bit unfair
that you probably
know everything from
my school grades to
my DNA profile and I
don’t even know your
gender.
SH
Life is unfair.
Would my gender
matter?
No, it wouldn’t.
SH
And don’t flatter
yourself. I don’t care
about your grades.
But my genomic
sequence?
SH
Chromosomes are
very hot.
I think I like you.
SH
I’m sorry Mr Holmes, but
I’m married to my work.
You work for Mycroft.
Get a divorce.
SH
Oh, the troublesome
bureaucracy.
At least I hope it’s
a sexless marriage.
SH
Isn’t that the definition
of a marriage?
Touché.
SH
-x-
Your brother wants
to know if you’re going
to your mother’s.
He knows the answer.
SH
Is that your final answer?
Yes. Feel free to
Improvise an insult
of your choice to
accompany it.
SH
-x-
The car is outside.
Not going.
SH
-x-
I’ve been asked to
remind you that it is
illegal to rob graves.
Thank you for
reminding me. Going
to write it on a post-it
and put it on my
bathroom mirror.
SH
Sarcasm doesn’t work well
in texts.
Stating the obvious
today, are we?
SH
I apologise. I’m tired
today.
You’re excused, you
work for Mycroft. The fact
that you don’t have a
constant migraine is
unbelievable.
SH
My migraines are never
work-related.
Again: unbelievable.
SH
-x-
Bored.
Magnetic.
?
Thought we were
picking random
adjectives.
I thought you were
intelligent.
SH
Ditto.
I’m bored.
SH
I’m important.
Self-important
maybe.
SH
Pot, kettle, black.
Stop using random
words.
SH
lmgtfy.com
Amusing.
SH
But you’re not bored
anymore.
-x-
Your brother is
driving me up the wall!
Told you this would
happen.
SH
Kicking when I’m
down? Classy.
You have better
opportunities to kill
him than I do, so there’s
not much I can do.
SH
How do you think
I should do it?
Exploding umbrella.
SH
That’s not very refined.
Didn’t know killing
one’s brother needed
to be refined.
SH
Poison? You’re a chemist
after all.
Please don’t say
this is a hypothetical
conversation.
SH
Either way, you made
me smile. Thank you.
You’re welcome.
SH
-x-
Scrabble app available!
The game is on!
SH
Zymase? Really?
Says Ms Amniote.
SH
So you figured that out
at last. What gave me
away?
The 29 day migraine
cycle and the murder
by poison.
SH
Maybe you do have a
brain after all. The
poison was a bit
prejudiced though.
But not incorrect.
SH
JUKEBOX, 3xword.
Read it and weep.
Rematch?
SH
-x-
Guess who I just
picked up.
Case. No time.
SH
Wrong.
Serial suicide.
SH
Heard about those.
Anything yet?
Theories. Definitely
murders.
SH
Fascinating. Lestrade
invited you?
Finally.
SH
He’s hot.
Please stop.
SH
Guess who I just
picked up.
You know I don’t
guess.
SH
A Dr John H Watson.
God. How can
you work for that man?
SH
He’s hot too.
I just vomited.
SH
I’ll bring your doctor
soon. I think he’s
flirting with me.
Haha! Go for it.
SH
The cane is a bit of a
turn-off.
It’s psychosomatic.
SH
The cane?
The limp, obviously.
I’ll get it fixed for you.
SH
Married to my work,
remember?
I thought I told you
to get a divorce.
SH
Do you want me to
eavesdrop on the
conversation?
No, I think I’ll mess
with him myself.
SH
You’re texting him?
Yes, but I was thinking
about you.
SH
Thank you.
On our way back now.
Went by his place to pick
up a gun (or something
similar, he has it inside
his jeans. Hard to say).
Or maybe he’s just
happy to see you?
SH
He is. But he brought a
gun.
If the limp is a deal
breaker, I can fix it. Honest.
SH
Don’t you have a case?
-x-
Told you he had a gun.
Told you I could fix
the limp.
SH
Thought you’d like to
know I’ve raised your
surveillance.
Worried about the
army doctor much? I think
he can take care of himself.
SH
Not my orders.
I can give you a
poison of your choice
to feed him.
SH
Only I wouldn’t.
I was so close to
falling in love with you.
SH
Good night Sherlock.
Good night.
***
Vol. II - aka Sexting
Notes: Written for this prompt.
Summary: Sherlock has a secret friend (since long before he met John) who also prefers to text.
Acknowledgement: Many thanks to frayedshoelace for being my beta (but mostly for pointing out that it's called "prompt").
***
Mr Holmes,
stop texting your brother.
He is in a meeting.
The obnoxious
bastard can turn off
his phone.
SH
He is waiting for a call.
Who are you?
SH
I’m sure you’ll figure
it out.
Is that a challenge?
SH
It’s an observation.
Give me a clue.
SH
Stop texting your
brother.
That is not a clue.
SH
Stop.
If you tell me who you
are.
SH
I thought you’d have
figured it out by now.
Should I be insulted?
You obviously work
for my brother; you
need no further insult.
SH
Now you’re getting
somewhere. I was
starting to think your
brother thought too
highly of you.
I find it a bit unfair
that you probably
know everything from
my school grades to
my DNA profile and I
don’t even know your
gender.
SH
Life is unfair.
Would my gender
matter?
No, it wouldn’t.
SH
And don’t flatter
yourself. I don’t care
about your grades.
But my genomic
sequence?
SH
Chromosomes are
very hot.
I think I like you.
SH
I’m sorry Mr Holmes, but
I’m married to my work.
You work for Mycroft.
Get a divorce.
SH
Oh, the troublesome
bureaucracy.
At least I hope it’s
a sexless marriage.
SH
Isn’t that the definition
of a marriage?
Touché.
SH
-x-
Your brother wants
to know if you’re going
to your mother’s.
He knows the answer.
SH
Is that your final answer?
Yes. Feel free to
Improvise an insult
of your choice to
accompany it.
SH
-x-
The car is outside.
Not going.
SH
-x-
I’ve been asked to
remind you that it is
illegal to rob graves.
Thank you for
reminding me. Going
to write it on a post-it
and put it on my
bathroom mirror.
SH
Sarcasm doesn’t work well
in texts.
Stating the obvious
today, are we?
SH
I apologise. I’m tired
today.
You’re excused, you
work for Mycroft. The fact
that you don’t have a
constant migraine is
unbelievable.
SH
My migraines are never
work-related.
Again: unbelievable.
SH
-x-
Bored.
Magnetic.
?
Thought we were
picking random
adjectives.
I thought you were
intelligent.
SH
Ditto.
I’m bored.
SH
I’m important.
Self-important
maybe.
SH
Pot, kettle, black.
Stop using random
words.
SH
lmgtfy.com
Amusing.
SH
But you’re not bored
anymore.
-x-
Your brother is
driving me up the wall!
Told you this would
happen.
SH
Kicking when I’m
down? Classy.
You have better
opportunities to kill
him than I do, so there’s
not much I can do.
SH
How do you think
I should do it?
Exploding umbrella.
SH
That’s not very refined.
Didn’t know killing
one’s brother needed
to be refined.
SH
Poison? You’re a chemist
after all.
Please don’t say
this is a hypothetical
conversation.
SH
Either way, you made
me smile. Thank you.
You’re welcome.
SH
-x-
Scrabble app available!
The game is on!
SH
Zymase? Really?
Says Ms Amniote.
SH
So you figured that out
at last. What gave me
away?
The 29 day migraine
cycle and the murder
by poison.
SH
Maybe you do have a
brain after all. The
poison was a bit
prejudiced though.
But not incorrect.
SH
JUKEBOX, 3xword.
Read it and weep.
Rematch?
SH
-x-
Guess who I just
picked up.
Case. No time.
SH
Wrong.
Serial suicide.
SH
Heard about those.
Anything yet?
Theories. Definitely
murders.
SH
Fascinating. Lestrade
invited you?
Finally.
SH
He’s hot.
Please stop.
SH
Guess who I just
picked up.
You know I don’t
guess.
SH
A Dr John H Watson.
God. How can
you work for that man?
SH
He’s hot too.
I just vomited.
SH
I’ll bring your doctor
soon. I think he’s
flirting with me.
Haha! Go for it.
SH
The cane is a bit of a
turn-off.
It’s psychosomatic.
SH
The cane?
The limp, obviously.
I’ll get it fixed for you.
SH
Married to my work,
remember?
I thought I told you
to get a divorce.
SH
Do you want me to
eavesdrop on the
conversation?
No, I think I’ll mess
with him myself.
SH
You’re texting him?
Yes, but I was thinking
about you.
SH
Thank you.
On our way back now.
Went by his place to pick
up a gun (or something
similar, he has it inside
his jeans. Hard to say).
Or maybe he’s just
happy to see you?
SH
He is. But he brought a
gun.
If the limp is a deal
breaker, I can fix it. Honest.
SH
Don’t you have a case?
-x-
Told you he had a gun.
Told you I could fix
the limp.
SH
Thought you’d like to
know I’ve raised your
surveillance.
Worried about the
army doctor much? I think
he can take care of himself.
SH
Not my orders.
I can give you a
poison of your choice
to feed him.
SH
Only I wouldn’t.
I was so close to
falling in love with you.
SH
Good night Sherlock.
Good night.
***
Vol. II - aka Sexting