Republicans (because it won't fit in dil3mma's journal)
Somehow [it's quite simple, really] you have to believe concurrently that:
* Jesus loves you, but shares your deep hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton. Jesus loves everyone. Everyone hates homosexuals and Hillary Clinton. It's very straightforward.
* A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all humankind without regulation. Women can't be trusted to make decisions about anything, and corporations are just out there trying to make a buck and create jobs like anyone else. If you don't like what the corporations are doing, invest in different ones! Put your money where your mouth is!
* The United States should get out of the United Nations, but our highest national priority is enforcing U. N. resolutions against Iraq and Iran. The U.N. is pretty useless if we can't make it do what we want, isn't it?
* "Standing Tall for America" means firing your workers and moving their jobs to India. American workers can find wonderful part-time jobs in the fast food industry that pay them just enough to keep them off welfare. Those Indians work for peanuts! And besides, we should take an interest in foreign economies - there are a lot fewer rules to keep us from making money there!
* Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery. We all have our failings - when did you last see a conservative do a drive-by? Godspeed, Rush, Godspeed.
* The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches, while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay. Well, the military pay was starting to eat into the Haliburton handouts. Something has to give in that case, don't you think?
* A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense. A president lying about WMD existence to enlist support for an unprovoked, undeclared war and occupation in which thousands of soldiers and hundreds of thousands civilians die, is, somehow, solid "defense" policy in a "War against Terrorism". I secretly wish Hillary would win, so we can impeach her, too.
* Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins, unless you someday run for governor of California as a Republican. Republicans are uniquely talented at putting their pasts behind them. Is that so wrong? When you accept the Lord Jesus Christ as your personal savior, you will realize that your past does not matter. All is forgiven by the Lord.
* If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex. Well, they won't if we'd just teach them about how Jesus taught us that women are dirty and evil and sex is a sin! But they won't let us do the other half of the program, now, will they? And whose fault is that, hmmm?
* A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, but then demand their cooperation and money. Our allies just need some balls, that's all. Who's afraid of some Arabs on camels anyway?
* Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism. We have to take care of those poor people. Maybe we can start a telethon to pay for the ones that still have legs.
* HMOs and insurance companies make profits and have the interest of the public at heart. Well, they do.
* Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools. There's no proof for that science stuff, but God put the creation in the Bible! What better proof is there?
* Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him and Rumsfeld reassured him he was our buddy. A bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him. But, then a bad guy again when Bush junior needed a prop for his re-election campaign as the "war president". Sometimes countries turn on us. We have to be prepared.
* Iran was a good country when Ford and Rumsfeld and Cheney, along with General Electric, gave them our nuclear technology in the 1970's. Good guys when Cheney did business with them in the 1990's. But, then bad guys when Bush junior needed a prop for his re-election campaign as the "war president". See above.
* Iraq was a good country when Reagan and Rumsfeld gave them our chemical warfare technology in the 1980's. Bad guys when we authorized their overflights to gas their own population, and then good guys, again, when Cheney did business with them. But, then bad guys when Bush junior needed a prop for his re-election campaign as the "war president". See above.
* It is okay that the Bush family's "Carlisle Group" has made millions doing business with the Bin Laden family. It's "Carlyle Group", and you should see the returns I'm getting from that one.
* Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which should include "banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet". Gay marriages and Internet smut are against Jesus - even the constitution needs to recognize that. And who's the higher power, now? Hmm?
* The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's illegal insider Harken Oil stock trade should be sealed in his Daddy's library, and is none of our business. That's right.
* What Bill Clinton or John Kerry did in the 1960s was of vital national interest but Bush & Cheney's drug and alcohol felony arrests in the '80s are irrelevant. But see, Bush and Cheney found Jesus afterwards. They're reformed. Who can say the same about Clinton and Kerry?
* Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a "spirit of international harmony". Well, if only Castro would let the corporations in, maybe we could work something out...
* Affirmative Action is wrong, but it is OK for your Daddy and his friends (here and in Saudi Arabia) to get you to graduate from Yale without studying much; to dodge the draft in the Texas Air National Guard; to bail out your company Harken Oil and the Texas Rangers; to get the Governorship of Texas and then to have the Supreme Court appoint you President of the USA. Having a daddy that loves you is never wrong. Being black is a sin, I think. Where's my big Bible with the reference section?
* You are a conservative, but it is OK to spend like there is no tomorrow and run up deficits that your grandchildren will have to pay, while at the same refunding as much tax money as possible to rich people who do not need it. Who says we don't need more money? And hey, my grandchildren will get mine when I'm gone, so they'll be just fine, won't they...
I still don't see the "illogical" part. All you have to do is try to take care of your own corporation, and follow the Good Book at home, and everyone can be a worry-free Republican. Nothing says "American Dream" like a comfy CEO chair, a big cigar, a loving wife, kids, mistress, and altar-boy, and knowing Jesus is always there for you. I urge all you Demon-crats to give it a try, there's really nothing better. U.S.A.! U.S.A.!
* Jesus loves you, but shares your deep hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton. Jesus loves everyone. Everyone hates homosexuals and Hillary Clinton. It's very straightforward.
* A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all humankind without regulation. Women can't be trusted to make decisions about anything, and corporations are just out there trying to make a buck and create jobs like anyone else. If you don't like what the corporations are doing, invest in different ones! Put your money where your mouth is!
* The United States should get out of the United Nations, but our highest national priority is enforcing U. N. resolutions against Iraq and Iran. The U.N. is pretty useless if we can't make it do what we want, isn't it?
* "Standing Tall for America" means firing your workers and moving their jobs to India. American workers can find wonderful part-time jobs in the fast food industry that pay them just enough to keep them off welfare. Those Indians work for peanuts! And besides, we should take an interest in foreign economies - there are a lot fewer rules to keep us from making money there!
* Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery. We all have our failings - when did you last see a conservative do a drive-by? Godspeed, Rush, Godspeed.
* The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches, while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay. Well, the military pay was starting to eat into the Haliburton handouts. Something has to give in that case, don't you think?
* A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense. A president lying about WMD existence to enlist support for an unprovoked, undeclared war and occupation in which thousands of soldiers and hundreds of thousands civilians die, is, somehow, solid "defense" policy in a "War against Terrorism". I secretly wish Hillary would win, so we can impeach her, too.
* Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins, unless you someday run for governor of California as a Republican. Republicans are uniquely talented at putting their pasts behind them. Is that so wrong? When you accept the Lord Jesus Christ as your personal savior, you will realize that your past does not matter. All is forgiven by the Lord.
* If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex. Well, they won't if we'd just teach them about how Jesus taught us that women are dirty and evil and sex is a sin! But they won't let us do the other half of the program, now, will they? And whose fault is that, hmmm?
* A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, but then demand their cooperation and money. Our allies just need some balls, that's all. Who's afraid of some Arabs on camels anyway?
* Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism. We have to take care of those poor people. Maybe we can start a telethon to pay for the ones that still have legs.
* HMOs and insurance companies make profits and have the interest of the public at heart. Well, they do.
* Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools. There's no proof for that science stuff, but God put the creation in the Bible! What better proof is there?
* Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him and Rumsfeld reassured him he was our buddy. A bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him. But, then a bad guy again when Bush junior needed a prop for his re-election campaign as the "war president". Sometimes countries turn on us. We have to be prepared.
* Iran was a good country when Ford and Rumsfeld and Cheney, along with General Electric, gave them our nuclear technology in the 1970's. Good guys when Cheney did business with them in the 1990's. But, then bad guys when Bush junior needed a prop for his re-election campaign as the "war president". See above.
* Iraq was a good country when Reagan and Rumsfeld gave them our chemical warfare technology in the 1980's. Bad guys when we authorized their overflights to gas their own population, and then good guys, again, when Cheney did business with them. But, then bad guys when Bush junior needed a prop for his re-election campaign as the "war president". See above.
* It is okay that the Bush family's "Carlisle Group" has made millions doing business with the Bin Laden family. It's "Carlyle Group", and you should see the returns I'm getting from that one.
* Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which should include "banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet". Gay marriages and Internet smut are against Jesus - even the constitution needs to recognize that. And who's the higher power, now? Hmm?
* The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's illegal insider Harken Oil stock trade should be sealed in his Daddy's library, and is none of our business. That's right.
* What Bill Clinton or John Kerry did in the 1960s was of vital national interest but Bush & Cheney's drug and alcohol felony arrests in the '80s are irrelevant. But see, Bush and Cheney found Jesus afterwards. They're reformed. Who can say the same about Clinton and Kerry?
* Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a "spirit of international harmony". Well, if only Castro would let the corporations in, maybe we could work something out...
* Affirmative Action is wrong, but it is OK for your Daddy and his friends (here and in Saudi Arabia) to get you to graduate from Yale without studying much; to dodge the draft in the Texas Air National Guard; to bail out your company Harken Oil and the Texas Rangers; to get the Governorship of Texas and then to have the Supreme Court appoint you President of the USA. Having a daddy that loves you is never wrong. Being black is a sin, I think. Where's my big Bible with the reference section?
* You are a conservative, but it is OK to spend like there is no tomorrow and run up deficits that your grandchildren will have to pay, while at the same refunding as much tax money as possible to rich people who do not need it. Who says we don't need more money? And hey, my grandchildren will get mine when I'm gone, so they'll be just fine, won't they...
I still don't see the "illogical" part. All you have to do is try to take care of your own corporation, and follow the Good Book at home, and everyone can be a worry-free Republican. Nothing says "American Dream" like a comfy CEO chair, a big cigar, a loving wife, kids, mistress, and altar-boy, and knowing Jesus is always there for you. I urge all you Demon-crats to give it a try, there's really nothing better. U.S.A.! U.S.A.!