Edit the sad parts. ((Open to superman_dead... finally!))

[someday_to_you]

Sometimes all I really want to feel is love
Sometimes I'm angry that I feel so angry
Sometimes my feelings get in the way
Of what I really feel I needed to sayAlfons rather hates winter. Winter is when bad things happen in his family or to himself. While confirmation bias certainly has a hand in his viewpoint, (bad things happen all year round,

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[superman_dead]

It's almost noon by the time Edward realizes that Alfons still hasn't gotten out of bed. Alfons has enjoyed being able to sleep in since his lungs were healed, and Edward rarely wakes him without reason, letting him enjoy the newfound freedom.

Besides, Edward and his brother have been busy in the last couple days, going over blueprints and plans with Russell, and then starting the set up for the upcoming construction.

So it's when Edward comes back inside for lunch that he realizes Alfons never got up.

A concerned frown is already tugging on his features when he knocks on the door to Alfons's room. "Alfons?" he calls quietly, opening the door just a bit to peek in. "You all right?"

[someday_to_you]

Alfons has his quilt pulled up and nearly covering all of his body, with just a little bit of his face uncovered. His voice is faint because of the muffle of the down quilt and the numerous pillows that are keeping him company.

His first response sounds a lot like a very faint 'nnhgh,' but the next is a bit clearer. "M'fine." And then there's some more mumbling, and possibly a sigh. He doesn't sound particularly 'fine' though.

[superman_dead]

He doesn't sound fine, and Edward's concerned frown is turning into a full-out scowl as he steps into the room, shutting the door behind him and walking quietly over to the bed. "Alfons?" he tries again, still keeping his voice low as he sits down on the edge of the bed. "Are you sick?"

[someday_to_you]

He clears his throat a little, since this is the first talking he's done all day. "I'm not sick," he murmurs, loud enough for Edward to hear but not much higher. He rolls onto his side and shoves his face into a pillow. Seeing Edward right now is making him feel a little shakey.

[someday_to_you]

That's not a good thing, the clenching, twisting feeling tying Alfons up just at the suggestion of talking. It's doubtless the idea scares him, but even Alfons has a tolerance for how long his silence about past pain can last, even he can see how this is dragging him down.

"We both... both had a... pretty terrible winter last year, didn't we?" he finally gets out, after much hesitating. If it's possible to cling from a single hand-hold, Alfons is managing. "It's... s'hard to talk about," he adds in a rush, to keep from whimpering in the middle of his sentence.

[superman_dead]

Edward pales further and goes perfectly still.

No.

God, please no. How long- of course it's still.... of course. You don't get over things like that, right?

He bows his head, shoulders slumping a bit. "Yeah," he says, voice soft. "We did."

There's silence a moment, then he draws a deep breath. "Alfons, is this... because of what I did?" He can't bring himself to quite say it, but he won't skirt away from the responsibility of it.

[someday_to_you]

Alfons makes a rueful half-laugh, still not looking up at Edward's face, he doesn't want to see the results of what he's said, or he might lose any sort of courage he's worked up.

"Unless you were somehow responsible for all the other bad things that happened before that, not... entirely." He takes a breath, and sniffles a little, much as he's loathe to admit it. "It all seemed to pile up today, for some reason."

Deep breaths, don't cry like an idiot, that won't help anything.

"What happened is... some of it. The most recent."

[superman_dead]

He feels guilty for it (of course, always guilty), but he actually relaxes just a tiny bit. It's not just what he did. It's that, yes, but it's not the only thing.

Working to keep his hand from shaking, he reaches out his free hand and pets back Alfons's hair. "Need to talk about it?"

[someday_to_you]

It's true that Alfons is normally reliably stable and calm, a good pillar of support. But that's not to say he doesn't rely on Edward for strength and comfort, as he certainly does- and now is a very good time for him to borrow some stability from holding onto Edward. It certainly takes him a few minutes to relax somewhat, just clinging to Edward and trying to breathe and stop the flow of tears. He gave up on talking several minutes ago, and eventually his breathing evens out besides the occasional hiccuping breath.

[superman_dead]

Edward doesn't feel very strong at the moment. It's numbness that keeps that gnawing, aching guilt from overpowering his better senses, and he holds Alfons silently, a weary sort of patience etched tiredly into his features.

"It's okay," he whispers quietly, once it sounds like Alfons is settling down. "I-" He sighs, partly in frustration at himself, for not knowing what to do, and partly to release a little bit of that knot that's left him numb. "I'm sorry."

For what specifically?

Does there have to be something specific in this case? Everything seems like a pretty good easy answer.

[someday_to_you]

It's not necessarily strength he's borrowing right now. More than that, he's using Edward as something concrete to hold onto, gaining a feeling of safety from the person he loves... despite the fact that same person is the reason he's in so much turmoil. It's anybody's guess why that works for Alfons.

Alfons doesn't want Edward to be sorry for everything. "I know," he whispers back with a shakey voice. "Thank you for... for saying that."

There's more Alfons wants to say, but it's all knotted up inside his throat right now, and it has to work its way out first.

[superman_dead]

Edward hasn't stopped petting Alfons's hair yet, still trying to soothe and comfort him as best he can right now, even though part of him is terrified to be facing this issue right now.

He released a rather shaky chuckle at Alfons's words. "I- Heh. Can't believe I haven't said it before. Guess maybe I've been as avoidant as you about the issue, huh?"

Well, technically he blabbered tons of apologies for everything under the sun, some not just to Alfons, the night that it happened after they were home and he went into total meltdown mode, but he doesn't really remember much of anything after what happened at the warehouse until he finally was able to drag himself out of bed a week later.

[someday_to_you]

Alfons would hunch all day if he had to, to get hugs and comfort from Edward, but this probably is more practical, and he really feels like like lying down right now. He lowers himself onto the pillow gently, then after a moment, presses his nose against Edward's stomach and wraps his arms around Edward's waist.

"It's not like I hate you for it, I couldn't, never," he murmurs very softly, and Edward can probably feel the vibrations from Alfons's voice, he's so close. "I know it wasn't even really... you, to begin with, not you- thinking straight, or at all..."

Well, maybe that will make Edward feel a bit better. It helps Alfons to say it to himself.

[superman_dead]

Tension melts from Edward's muscles a bit at Alfons's words, an overwhelming relief starting to creep in and pull some of the weight of his own guilt off his shoulders.

He pets back Alfons's hair lightly with his flesh hand, brushing the pad of his thumb across the German's forehead. "I-... I guess that'd be one way to put it, yeah." He releases a shaky breath. "But knowing and understanding aren't always the same thing."

Maybe... maybe. He owes Alfons an explanation, at the very least. "I got why so much of what happened to Al and I actually happened. Our transmutation went wrong because there wasn't a soul there to take back, because there's a price that we couldn't afford to pay. Because we were arrogant kids that ignored the warnings that were probably right in front of our faces, because we thought we were above all that. Because we were stupid

[someday_to_you]

Alfons really resists sniffling, listening to Edward quietly, gathering in the words, even though some of them are a little confusing, since he's not terribly familiar with Edward's past (of his own volition, no fault of Edward's).

"I yelled at you a lot when we got home and then ignored you for a few days, I didn't care if you hurt yourself just lying in bed, didn't want to deal with you," he whispers in a strained voice. The thought occured to him that Edward could die, and he still ignored him for several days. But Edward doesn't need to know quite how viciously angry Alfons was at the time.

"I- If you're all right with it... I... you can explain. Please." Maybe it would offer closure, no matter how incoherent the explanation is.

[superman_dead]

Edward's eyes close tiredly and he lifts his head at Alfons's words, hiding the flinch at the admission of how angry he'd made his mate. It crosses his mind, too, that he could've driven himself to his own grave that way- dehydration only takes a few days to really kill a man, after all, and after all, hadn't that been why he stayed in bed? To make his body catch up with the rest of him?

He thinks he remembers that part.

"Can't say I didn't deserve that," he whispers, then releases a slow breath, finally opening his eyes once he was certain that nothing would show there and looks down at the younger man.

Well, he'd offered an explanation, now it was time to figure out how to explain it. How does one explain why they all but raped their own lover (that was Edward's word, though how anyone else might define it was up for debate), forced them into something they didn't want to do and hurt them in the process

[someday_to_you]

Oh, Alfons wishes he could have kept all that from Edward, but he really couldn't find a way to bottle it in and still recover. Although, none of that is filtering through his head at the moment. He's a little too busy crying and clinging and whimpering Edward's name hysterically again.

It may be tough for Edward to hear how Alfons felt, but admitting that was the one thing Alfons needed more than anything. Getting the slowly curdling pain out of the pit of his stomach, where he can deal with it instead of crushing it inside himself is vital for him to get over it.

So if Edward can just support him and hold him, that'll be the best thing he can do.

[superman_dead]

That- that's something he can do. He's pretty sure. He's choking on bile and tears and guilt, but he'll swallow it all down and hold Alfons until Alfons doesn't need to be held anymore, and then he'll go get sick over it. Not before then.

He holds Alfons tightly, petting his hair and whispering soothing sounds, promising that he's right there, he's not leaving, it's okay now, that's all behind them.

Edward needs to listen to his own words sometime.

[someday_to_you]

Alfons would like Edward to listen to his own words as well. He's listening, Edward should too... unfortunately, Alfons can't help Edward at the moment. He hasn't broken down for an entire year, hasn't laid any of this out for anyone- he needs some time.

Eventually, after that some time passes, he calms down. The emotions tumbling around in his stomach settle as his tears (which he will soon be rather embarrassed by) taper off. He feels drained, tired, but Edward's still there and Edward was never going to be anything but there- and he didn't want it any other way, never could, so all that pain is kind of moot and over, right? Because of the obvious...

"L-l-liebe dich," he says with a sniffle, struggling to sit up, only getting up far enough to be able to hug Edward tightly and bury his face in his hair. "Liebedichliebeliebe," he whispers fervently.

[superman_dead]

Edward is listening, even if it hurts him to do so, even if all he does is bottle up more guilt and bury it down, even knowing that all doing that will do is release the toxins slowly into his system and drive him to an early grave.

That's Edward Elric for you. Better at hoarding guilt than a Catholic. (He's also better on his knees than a Catholic, but let's not go there.)

For a fraction of a second, Edward is caught off-guard by the hug, wondering what could be going through Alfons's head, how could he deserve to be held, deserve anything but Alfons getting up and leaving, but even despite his first reactions, he knows better, and he wraps his arms around Alfons tightly, holding his mate.

"I love you too," he whispers against Alfons's ear, petting his hair. "'m not gonna go anywhere, not unless you want me to. Promise."

There. When Edward Elric makes a promise, he doesn't break it, even if he has to go to hell and back to make sure he keeps it.