(no subject)
The need for acceptance, and security becomes greater and greater as every day passes it seems. I can't even imagine how it was in 8-11th grade, when I didn't care at all what anyone thought of me. First impressions are still a small deal, I'm not going to change the way I dress or "do" my hair or something of that nature just to appease someone. But I find myself striving to do different things to catch peoples attention. Such as not eating meat, which I gave up while I was at my Family Reunion this 4th of July.
Still it seems I'm drifting along, and while hanging out with someone today (I'm unsure if they care to be mentioned or not.) They informed me of how they felt about someone, who was a pretty solid distance away. And how they weren't going to settle for less. Which really hit me at heart I guess. I respect that.
The past year has been a mess. I really want to get a new job. Something full time, and something to take my mind off all these senseless events that somehow strung together become life. I've been at DAC for 2 years and a week now. And I do not want to make a career out of this. I just want out. I want change. So far no luck finding another job. Especially one I can afford to move out again with.
Anyways. The point of this whole giant stupid post (which somehow chained into like 8 other things) is that I won't settle for mediocre. No matter how I word this sentence, it always feels like I'm basing my happiness on finding another girlfriend. Which isn't the case. I just want to feel accomplished again. I want to have a nice apartment to invite people over. I want to say "I'm going home." Not, "I'm going to Ty's mum's house." I miss the feeling of paying for my own apartment, paying for my car. Proving to myself that I can live without the help of my parents. That I'm better than my brothers and sisters who can't. They do too much as it is.
They can't afford their own house, and yet they house an extra 4-5 people all the time. They're incredibly giving people, and I love that about them. But I won't be that mooch. I've been at Ty's for near a month now, and I feel like the biggest mooch ever. Which drives me nuts. His mom always offers to cook me something, or she buys me shirts, and shoes. Which is awesome, don't get me wrong. Annie is one of the best moms a person could ask for. But I hate that she goes out of her way to help me. I feel like she thinks I need her to do these things, which is where my mooch falls into play.
I've been breaking my balls over Lauren the past couple of weeks. (This is probably the first she's heard of it. Cellular aggro incoming.) But I think I'm done now. And it's not to say that she isn't a great person or I don't care about her. Just that she's not what I'm looking for. She's changed from the girl I was in love with. Not to say that I haven't changed too, because I'm sure that's a large portion of it too.
And as I step into another whiney state of depression again, I take comfort in the fact that I'll find someone to be head over heels for again. And lets face it. When you first realize you have a fatty crush on someone. You're a pretty happy person. I look forward to that feeling again.
Stay classy LiveJournal.
Oh, and quit being faggots. :)
Oh^2, Bravo to you if you read the whole thing. Mad props my gangstah.