Adventuring Party Politics: The Campaign is Getting Ugly
GM: OK, the bugbear attacks you. What do you do?
OBAMA: I send one of my 672 henchmen after it.
MCCAIN: OK, seriously. Why does he have so many henchmen? I'm a level 72 ranger and he's only a level 8 paladin.
OBAMA: Well, if you'd bought the Grassroots Organizing and Oratory/Colgate Smile proficiencies you could min max it so that you...
MCCAIN: Why is he even IN this campaign? I thought this was supposed to be a high level party.
OBAMA: Well, maybe some people got tired of the grim and squinty "Matterhorn, son of Marathon" shtick you keep doing. Dude, could you be any less original?
MCCAIN: Oh my god, I did not leave my left nut in a tiger cage in the Tomb of Horrors to spend my Friday nights mopping up after the new kid.
OBAMA: "My friends, I am a totally unoriginal grizzled character class stereotype. I should lead the party because I have more testicular damage than that one."
MCCAIN: Yeah, well, you pal around with dark elves.
OBAMA: OH NO YOU DIDN'T.
MCCAIN: Whatever, so's your mom.
OBAMA: So's your FACE.
MCCAIN: So's your Mom's face!
HILARY: WTF you guys. Why am I playing the cleric?
MCCAIN: Hilary, we've been over this.
HILARY: No, dude. I am so sick of being the girlfriend healer. Seriously, I can't even use a sword. Fuck this noise.
KUCINICH: IM A BARD
OBAMA: That's nice.
KUCINICH: MY FAMILIAR IS A PURPLE SNOW LEOPARD
MCCAIN: Oh, Jesus. Here we go.
KUCINICH: DID I MENTION MY WIFE IS A TOTALLY BANGIN DRYAD WITH 20 CHARISMA
HILARY: C'mon you guys, I've been playing this shit since Gygax was in eighth grade. Why can't I be the party leader with the magic sword for once?
MCCAIN: Because no one wants to see you in a bronze bra.
OBAMA: Oh dude, BURRRRRNNNN.
HILARY: SCREW YOU, Grandpa. I will so kick your ass.
MCCAIN: Yeah? Bring it! I didn't spend 3 years in the Abyss with Githzerai hooking my nads up to a car battery to get beat by some Wellesley girl.
HILARY: WHATEVER, you can't even lift your arms over your head.
RON PAUL: I brought my Planescape character!
OBAMA: Dude, we're playing Forgotten Realms.
RON PAUL: I rift in from Sigil! I'm a Chaotic Neutral Tiefling Barbarian/Monk/Rogue!
MCCAIN: DUDE, that is not even LEGAL.
RON PAUL: Ronpaul the Barbarian say: suck it! Guns and abortions and weed for everyone! WHEEE!
PALIN: Hi folks! Sorry I'm late! I brought caribou burgers.
HILARY: Who the HELL is this?
MCCAIN: It's cool, she's with me.
HILARY: No! No, it's not cool! Every time you bring one of your rodeo-queen girlfriends in here she ends up playing some succubus infiltrator and killing the whole party!
MCCAIN: Now, that is patently untrue.
BIDEN: He has a point. Cindy turned out to be a vampire.
MCCAIN: DUDE. SHUT UP.
GM: You guys, seriously, if you don't knock it off with the bickering I'm going to start docking XP.
MCCAIN: You know what? Fuck it. I'm suspending the campaign.
GM: You can't do that! Only I can suspend the campaign! I didn't suspend it for the 1988 Mountain Dew shortage and I'm not going to suspend it now.
KUCINICH: YOU GUYS I AM TOTALLY CASTING A CANTRIP
MCCAIN: Oh my god, Dennis, shut up, you don't even count.
KUCINICH: YOU GUYS ARE DICKS
BIDEN: Where are the Cheetos?
RON PAUL: Wait. What happen to tiny Mormon Man?
GM: You find Mitt's lifeless, drained corpse has been stuffed in the broom closet.
HILARY: Oh, God DAMMIT.
MCAIN: Not ok! NOT OK!
OBAMA: What, I didn't even get a detect evil roll for that one?
HILARY: I TOLD you she was a succubus, but did anyone listen? Oohhhhh no, Hilary's just jealous of the beauty queen.
RON PAUL: Pretty Lady screw Mitt lifeless. Ronpaul SMASH!!
MCCAIN: Would you please go light up a spliff and stay out of this? The grown ups are talking.
RON PAUL: Why pretty lady suck life out of Mitt and not Ronpaul? Not fair!
HILARY: I mean, never mind that I'm the one with 17 Wisdom, but does anyone listen to the girl? Noooooo.
RON PAUL: Also Mitt have stupid name. Who name kid after baseball equipment?
KUCINICH: HAY YOU GUYS CHECK OUT MY HEAD OF VECNA TRICK
HILARY: This never would have happened when Tim Russert was our GM.
GM: You know what? Forget it. Rocks fall, everyone dies.
OBAMA: Screw you guys. I'm going to go play Bunnies and Burrows at Jon Stewart's house.
HILARY: Me too.
MCCAIN: Me too.
KUCINICH: GAZEBO!
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[EDIT: Whoa. So, I wrote this on a whim on Friday night, left town for the weekend, and returned to discover that I am sort of internet famous. I want to thank you all for your comments and the overwhelming response! I'm trying to keep track of how I've acquired so many commenters, so if you care to tell me how you found this post - especially if you found it through a community or other heavily watched lj/blog - I'd love it if you could pass along a link in the comments.
Thank you to all the new readers who have added me - the inspiration to provide teh funnay of this sort only strikes rarely, but it's great to have you and I'll do my best to churn out more. The response I've gotten had led some to suggest I might want to start a blog or lj soley devoted to humor writing and essays, so I'll take that under consideration.
Also, it's been brought to my attention that I made a factual error: despite generally being the libertarianest libertarian that ever libertarianed, Ron Paul is actually generally anti-abortion (as in, he wants to overturn Roe V. Wade and thinks abortion is a very bad thing, but stops short of advocating a federal ban, preferring to leave that to individual states.) So thanks to those who corrected me on that. ]