(no subject)
i feel like i am observing my life at the moment, as if passively participating in it's functions. i feel like a little man in a big suit pulling levers to move arms; disconnected yet affecting things. changes are occurring and i am recalling fears and anxieties i haven't sensed in years. i feel as if i have been ejected into space and i am floating free from the restraints of gravity or time, yet somehow in·ev·i·ta·bly being steered toward the sun. i am hoping (and counting on) the sun's scorching heat and energy heating my body and soul to the point that every molecule is changed and reborn. only then, after this change, psuedo-phoenix-ism, can i be reborn into a stronger existence in which the future is not felt to be faced alone. i must return to a previous mind state of singularity whilst still reaching towards progression. all the while a vacuum has been opened and the safety nets of the wire crossing act called my life have been sucked in. i know that i can cross the wire, over the black hole, and through the sun, without the need for the nets. but something inside dreads this journey, this change, this separation. something inside that will never die over time, only be buried in new memories and records of perceptions. there is no feeling worse than burying a loved one, especially when they are still alive. i hope and know that things will be better soon, but it is still hard to accept that the next phase has begun.