[OOC] Teach Me, Kuzuki-Sensei!
Dead End #1
[This occurs if our insipid young hero does not stand up for himself when Michi decides to take his eye. Guess who got a little carried away?]
Oi! Welcome to the segment of our game that we like to call Teach Me, Kuzuki-sensei! Well, that they like to call it that. I woulda called it, Hey Kid, You're A Fucking Dumbass! But guess who ain't allowed to name his own gag? Anyways, this is for those of you who can't seem to navigate a conversation without gettin' yourself killed like an idiot. Though, I guess that's pretty easy to do 'round here.
So, it looks like you got yourself killed by... talkin' to your crazy-ass, flat-chested girlfriend while she thought you were cheatin' and didn't say nothin' to the contrary. Now, if you've got this scene, give yourself a pat on the back, 'cause you've managed to get enough relationship points not to get the false end.
Now that you've done that, kick your own damn ass for bein' so retarded you didn't get that she's got all the fuckin' backbone of a wet mop. You know how you get of this one, smart guy? Tell her no. Yeah, that's it. Just don't let her do it.
Your ass better be fuckin' glad I'm getting' paid for these.
Dead End #3
[This is achieved by letting our mentally challenged hero go after his immediate suspect of who hurt his sister, leading to conflict with the police and being locked up for the murders.]
Welcome back to what my bosses tell me we're still callin' Teach Me, Kuzuki-sensei! It's like remedial classes, but for how not to get killed by your friends and family. Don't feel bad, I think they should teach this shit in-canon, too.
Ya know why you're here this time, kid? Because your stupid ass didn't bother talkin' to anyone and just went straight after your little sister's boyfriend. I can understand wantin' to protect your siblings, but if the whole world was full of violent assholes who shot first and asked questions later, we'd never get shit down.
[He pauses for a new cigarette, and possibly ironic effect.]
Anyways, since your ass got sent to jail as the fall guy for doin' this, I'm guessin' you don't need me to underline it for ya. But, here goes: much like the main character of the actual games has to do shit by sneakin' 'round, so do you. Goin' for the harem endin'? Sneak behind your girlfriend's back. Goin' for the ero scenes? Sneak your girlfriend upstairs. Show some fuckin' tact, or as much as the options let you. This might involve usin' your head for something more than a blunt implement. I got faith you'll manage.
Dead End #8
[This is accessed by letting our functionally braindead hero clue in Michi about what happened between him and Kasujima while they were broken up. It ends about as poorly as you imagine.]
It looks like I, the ruggedly handsome master of your relationship woes, have to explain to yet again what you did wrong that put you on the wrong end of a shiv. Yes, viewers, it's time for yet another goddamn installment of Teach Me, Kuzuki-sensei!
I gotta admit I'm disappointed in you. I thought, after she nearly ripped your fuckin' eye out and killed you for talking to the Korean chick, you made out with the rich starlet? I mean, first off. Props. This is actually the Dead Endin' that most people get their first time through. So, in that aspect, don't feel bad!
But still, I think the kid's stupid's wearin' off on ya. Your relationship's barely back together at this point! You need to learn when a big lie is goin' to help things. I know, it ain't quite right for your character's ethics and shit, but who the fuck cares? It's better than' dyin, right?
Anyways. Let me say this in small words for ya. Don't tell her. Honesty's a good policy, but make sure your relationship's stable and then tell her, if you don't want a case of terminal steel poisonin'. Also, so you don't get it again later? Don't tell her 'bout Sayuri either. I know she doesn't show up now, but fuck you, this is my non-canon corner.
[Indistinct noise offscreen.]
What?
[Indistinct noise offscreen.]
Fuck you, Mr. Director, I can spoil the game. Hey player, the answer to the upcomin' plot i--
Dead End #11
[This is accessed by letting our functionally retarded hero pick a fight with Isao when Team Paranoia is contacted by Clarent for the second time. Yes, he can take you in a fight, it seems.]
If you're here it's 'cause you can't finish a conversation without windin' up dead. Welcome back to Teach Me, Kuzuki-sensei! I am the brain's behind this little entrepreneurial operation, the fastest-talkin', hardest-hittin', best-lookin' businessman with a doctorate from the school of hard knocks that you're ever gonna meet. The ladies call me “oh god!” but you can call me Kuzuki Isao, the wise man on the mountain for your terminally clueless ass.
It turns out this time you decided you could take me on, one-on-one, man to man, when I was already feelin' pretty pissed off. As you're here talkin' to me and my handsome ass isn't the one havin' to beg for hints, you know how that went down.
Let me let you in on somethin'. As the star of the show, it's up to you to get jobbed in every fight you get into up 'till your ass runs out of McGuffins, allies, and luck. When that happens, then you're supposed to reach down in yourself and figure out how to kick ass. Then you can start winnin' fights, as long as your stupid ass doesn' try to fight me, 'cause I'm always goin' to be better than you, kid.
So, go load your last save, and this time, just try to talk me into listenin' a little longer. Trust me, you only got maybe three options tops. Shit's not brain surgery, flip a fuckin' coin next time.
Oh, and in case you were tryin' to be impress to her or somethin', let me clue you in on somethin'. You can't date Tomiko. You can't fuck your sister. Maybe in the expansion, but not here. So stop tryin', ya sick fuck.