Response to the debate of the previous entry
Apparently my previous entry has sparked a debate among some of my friends. I would like to take a chance to de-construct each comment made and offer either agreement or a rebuttal.
To the first Anonymous comment:
I had asked about what each person individually felt or wanted to say. To instead state what you have heard rather than how you feel is not what I asked for. If this is how you feel, then leave the others out. My relationship with each of my friends is separate from each of my other friends. I am interested in each person's opinion, not a group consensus.
Secondly, I would like to mention that the reason I have been spending so much time with Autumn is for 2 main reasons:
1) I am going to be living with her for 6 months in Japan, it is important we discuss our arrangement, budgets, our travel plans, and just generally spend time around each other so we understand how things are going to work.
2) Over the course of the Spring and Summer semesters, Autumn was taking a full load of classes and working 20-25 hours a week, yet she CONSISTENTLY made efforts to contact me to find out when I was working so she could a) visit me, and b) make plans for hanging out in the future. This meant alot to me that she was so busy and yet she still made time for me. I can think of at least one person who did not have school or work as an excuse to use for not contacting me. So why didn't they?
Despite singular, or numerous efforts that I have been told of, I cannot say that anyone else this summer made the same effort to see me, except for my friend Beile, and my boyfriend. Just contacting a person isn't enough, b/c you cannot guarantee that they got the message. And you cannot expect them to know your schedule. Yes, I could have called too, but have you stopped to wonder why I didn't?
I also take personal offense to your attack on Autumn's character. "you are letting yourself be owned by someone who isn't sure how to feel". Where did you deduce this from? How can you be sure that Autumn doens't know how to feel? And why do you assume that she is "owning" me? I do not agree with this statement, and here's why. I have NEVER had to ask Autumn to tell me the truth, I know she always does. I value her opinion greatly, and I feel that not only does she have a positive impact on me, but that I have a positive impact on her.
As for this statement:
"You seem to refuse to take any blame in the pain and the havoc you have caused in your friendships"
When I know that I have hurt someone, and more specifically what I had done to hurt them, I apologize. I do not simply say empty words to make someone feel better. But if I don't know what I have done wrong, I cannot, and more importantly WILL NOT apologize. If I have caused "pain" and "havoc" no one has informed me. This may be due to the fact that no one has called me since this summer, no one has e-mailed me saying, "Hey Lisa, we need to talk about some things." It took a post on Livejournal to find out all of this. So if I have done something wrong, I did not know about it. If you feel I have offended you, you have to TELL ME, b/c sometimes people are offended by small things that seem perfectly normal to the other person.
"You seem to ignore the fact that all of your older friends still at least try to believe in you and care about you despite how difficult you have been making it".
I would like to know how you have to "try to believe in me"? Is it so hard to believe that I am working and growing up and possibly away from somethings that were a part of me in the past? People change, and if you aren't there to see the changes as they happen, then you either try to figure out what has changed or you ASK. And as far as I am concerned some of my oldest friends, such as ldechica (who has known me since I was 5 years old!) and Beile (who has known me since I was 2 months old!) are still there for me, even though I don't see them as much. As for difficulty, ldechica hasen't seen me in 2 YEARS, and despite this we still have no problems talking and finding ways to still be friends. B/c she can't see me as much, she and I e-mail each other, IM each other, call each other, we take turns so the responsibility does not always fall on one person. If we can't reach them one day, we try again the next day, and they day after that. Sometimes our strongest friends are the ones we see the least b/c it takes more effort to hold things together.
Beile lives practically 20 min. from my house, yet we see each other maybe once a month, but that doesn't bother us, b/c we understand that the other is busy, and that there will be a next time. B/c we see each other so little, honesty about how the other is feeling becomes crucial. We have different interests, and spend time with different friends, but that's still okay, b/c we have enough common interests to allow us to see each other so little and still remain friends.
As for the second Anonymous post:
I hear that these friends of mine love me, I hear it alot. But only from one person. If these friends you are talking about love me so much, why don't they ever call me? They can't be waiting for a phone call from a person who doesn't know what's going on. That's like asking a blind person to explain a dance performance to another blind person. I know I spent one day calling everyone and leaving messages in AUGUST! I got a few responses, and surprise surprise, I hung out with one of those responses. As we get older it becomes harder and harder to maintain friendships and relationships. That is largely due to the fact that people don't all grow the same way. Some people grow and find different things to be interested in. People that they had known for years no longer enjoy the same things they do. As sad as it is, people grow apart, no matter how much they don't want to. Sure they can still be friends, but not as they once were. The experiences and interests that once bound them so closely are in the past. They can get together and reminisce about the past, but it becomes harder and harder to have a future. I have had friends in the past where we were once as close as possible, and over time, we grew apart.
Her name was Shannon; she, ldechica and I would sit together for lunch everyday in elementary school. We talked about everything, our classes, our classmates, anything that we had in common. But as time wore on, and middle school came, Shannon found that the things she now enjoyed were not the same as what we enjoyed. So we slowly drifted apart until we stopped eating lunch together. We made an effort to be close again, but it wasn't the same, and we eventually understood and respected that.
Simply b/c this happened in middle school doens't mean that it is any different than what could happen in college. People don't stop changing and growing and discovering new interests, and you can't control who is going to grow with you or apart from you.
Now to address the debate itself. I respect the fact that people posted, and that they posted honestly. But I don't need people to fight my battles for me, b/c this is not a battle. I appreciate that there are people on my side, but I unscreened those comments to show that I was not ashamed of a negative comment towards me. I respect that an opinion was made and b/c I had made it an option, it was made anonymously. I also respect that fact that if people want to defend me they can. But I didn't need to be defended from something I had asked for. I asked for those opinions, I asked for constructive criticism. And while the "constructive" part was left out, it was still something I had asked for. While I won't censor anyone who posts on my Livejournal, I will ask that any opinion you don't agree with you do not attack, but rather that you de-construct it and explain your side too.
To the first Anonymous comment:
I had asked about what each person individually felt or wanted to say. To instead state what you have heard rather than how you feel is not what I asked for. If this is how you feel, then leave the others out. My relationship with each of my friends is separate from each of my other friends. I am interested in each person's opinion, not a group consensus.
Secondly, I would like to mention that the reason I have been spending so much time with Autumn is for 2 main reasons:
1) I am going to be living with her for 6 months in Japan, it is important we discuss our arrangement, budgets, our travel plans, and just generally spend time around each other so we understand how things are going to work.
2) Over the course of the Spring and Summer semesters, Autumn was taking a full load of classes and working 20-25 hours a week, yet she CONSISTENTLY made efforts to contact me to find out when I was working so she could a) visit me, and b) make plans for hanging out in the future. This meant alot to me that she was so busy and yet she still made time for me. I can think of at least one person who did not have school or work as an excuse to use for not contacting me. So why didn't they?
Despite singular, or numerous efforts that I have been told of, I cannot say that anyone else this summer made the same effort to see me, except for my friend Beile, and my boyfriend. Just contacting a person isn't enough, b/c you cannot guarantee that they got the message. And you cannot expect them to know your schedule. Yes, I could have called too, but have you stopped to wonder why I didn't?
I also take personal offense to your attack on Autumn's character. "you are letting yourself be owned by someone who isn't sure how to feel". Where did you deduce this from? How can you be sure that Autumn doens't know how to feel? And why do you assume that she is "owning" me? I do not agree with this statement, and here's why. I have NEVER had to ask Autumn to tell me the truth, I know she always does. I value her opinion greatly, and I feel that not only does she have a positive impact on me, but that I have a positive impact on her.
As for this statement:
"You seem to refuse to take any blame in the pain and the havoc you have caused in your friendships"
When I know that I have hurt someone, and more specifically what I had done to hurt them, I apologize. I do not simply say empty words to make someone feel better. But if I don't know what I have done wrong, I cannot, and more importantly WILL NOT apologize. If I have caused "pain" and "havoc" no one has informed me. This may be due to the fact that no one has called me since this summer, no one has e-mailed me saying, "Hey Lisa, we need to talk about some things." It took a post on Livejournal to find out all of this. So if I have done something wrong, I did not know about it. If you feel I have offended you, you have to TELL ME, b/c sometimes people are offended by small things that seem perfectly normal to the other person.
"You seem to ignore the fact that all of your older friends still at least try to believe in you and care about you despite how difficult you have been making it".
I would like to know how you have to "try to believe in me"? Is it so hard to believe that I am working and growing up and possibly away from somethings that were a part of me in the past? People change, and if you aren't there to see the changes as they happen, then you either try to figure out what has changed or you ASK. And as far as I am concerned some of my oldest friends, such as ldechica (who has known me since I was 5 years old!) and Beile (who has known me since I was 2 months old!) are still there for me, even though I don't see them as much. As for difficulty, ldechica hasen't seen me in 2 YEARS, and despite this we still have no problems talking and finding ways to still be friends. B/c she can't see me as much, she and I e-mail each other, IM each other, call each other, we take turns so the responsibility does not always fall on one person. If we can't reach them one day, we try again the next day, and they day after that. Sometimes our strongest friends are the ones we see the least b/c it takes more effort to hold things together.
Beile lives practically 20 min. from my house, yet we see each other maybe once a month, but that doesn't bother us, b/c we understand that the other is busy, and that there will be a next time. B/c we see each other so little, honesty about how the other is feeling becomes crucial. We have different interests, and spend time with different friends, but that's still okay, b/c we have enough common interests to allow us to see each other so little and still remain friends.
As for the second Anonymous post:
I hear that these friends of mine love me, I hear it alot. But only from one person. If these friends you are talking about love me so much, why don't they ever call me? They can't be waiting for a phone call from a person who doesn't know what's going on. That's like asking a blind person to explain a dance performance to another blind person. I know I spent one day calling everyone and leaving messages in AUGUST! I got a few responses, and surprise surprise, I hung out with one of those responses. As we get older it becomes harder and harder to maintain friendships and relationships. That is largely due to the fact that people don't all grow the same way. Some people grow and find different things to be interested in. People that they had known for years no longer enjoy the same things they do. As sad as it is, people grow apart, no matter how much they don't want to. Sure they can still be friends, but not as they once were. The experiences and interests that once bound them so closely are in the past. They can get together and reminisce about the past, but it becomes harder and harder to have a future. I have had friends in the past where we were once as close as possible, and over time, we grew apart.
Her name was Shannon; she, ldechica and I would sit together for lunch everyday in elementary school. We talked about everything, our classes, our classmates, anything that we had in common. But as time wore on, and middle school came, Shannon found that the things she now enjoyed were not the same as what we enjoyed. So we slowly drifted apart until we stopped eating lunch together. We made an effort to be close again, but it wasn't the same, and we eventually understood and respected that.
Simply b/c this happened in middle school doens't mean that it is any different than what could happen in college. People don't stop changing and growing and discovering new interests, and you can't control who is going to grow with you or apart from you.
Now to address the debate itself. I respect the fact that people posted, and that they posted honestly. But I don't need people to fight my battles for me, b/c this is not a battle. I appreciate that there are people on my side, but I unscreened those comments to show that I was not ashamed of a negative comment towards me. I respect that an opinion was made and b/c I had made it an option, it was made anonymously. I also respect that fact that if people want to defend me they can. But I didn't need to be defended from something I had asked for. I asked for those opinions, I asked for constructive criticism. And while the "constructive" part was left out, it was still something I had asked for. While I won't censor anyone who posts on my Livejournal, I will ask that any opinion you don't agree with you do not attack, but rather that you de-construct it and explain your side too.