Baby
Title: Baby
Rating: R (for sexual situations. WARNING: Borderline non-consensual sex, but not really...you'll see. Just a warning.)
Word Count: 3,448
Genre: Drama
Disclaimer: Owning humans are illegal in most parts of the world (and I can't afford their fabulousness)
Pairings: Shoichi/Yuji.
Summary: Post Kiiroi Namida/Yellow Tears. Shoichi meets Yuji while playing the guitar.
Notes: Aside from my sakumoto entry, I've never really written a sexual scene, so tips and suggestions would be nice. ^^;; I was going to originally put in Yuji's accent, but I really can't type accents. Sorry y'all. All criticisms welcome. Unbeta'ed as a warning. Title from Uematsu Hidemi's Baby. Listen to her she's amazing and I'll end the plug here. orz
Tonight was not different from any other night. Every night he would play the same song, strum out that tune on his old guitar underneath the same moonlit sky sitting on the same cold, hard park bench. His twinkling audience heard the song many times before, but never failed to be dazzled by its simple joy. These nights he would relive his youth of wasted hours over finding the right word for that chord and sweating in smouldering heat because he sold the fan for ice cream. He would dream of what could have happened if he won that radio contest. If he became the pop star he always knew he was destined to be. How would he be different? Would the calluses on his hands look better from guitar strings instead of steel bars? Would he be tired and sated at the end of the day instead of just tired?
Or would he be like Eisuke, happily living day by day doing what he loves most in the world, following his dream. Or maybe if he couldn't follow his dream, he could be like Kei and manage a club and meet popular baseball players. Or be like Ryuzo and travel everywhere selling the future of Japan. Or even travel back to the past with Yuji and taste and smell and touch the efforts of your hard labour. Maybe even start a family...?
But that was all "maybes and "ifs" that would get him no where. His life was good, liveable, and tolerable. Nothing spectacular like he hoped, but that was fine by him. He never had to worry about when his next meal would be or whether he would have a place to stay. No, he would just follow the rest of the workers and build. Build highways and railroads and buildings stories high. He, like Ryuzo, was part of the future. He created it. He was making Japan a better place.
And yet, it made him feel so small. He was just another cog in the machine that could easily be replaced despite years of work and dedication. He wasn't the important singer, or manga-ka, or salesman, or club manager. Just another blue collar worker.
"Shoichi-san?" a familiar voice from his past called out. Shoichi smiled at the fond memory of a certain young man pedalling his bike as fast as he could to reach him before he left to make sure he had a bento to eat on the train. Now he couldn't even remember the last time he heard from Yuji.
"Shoichi-san?" the voice persisted. Boy Shoichi really did miss him, didn't he? All of a sudden a gentle hand touched his shoulder and he jumped up in surprise, clutching the guitar in front of him just in case.
"It is you Shoichi-san!" said Yuji. His bright smile looked strange on his aged face, but no less endearing. His voice was definitely deeper than he remembered. His eyes were duller than he remembered too. And his skin was a lot darker than before. Not that it didn't suit him; Yuji was always a pretty child.
"Hello Yuji," he whispered amazingly and stupidly.
"It's been quite a while! I thought I was dreaming when I heard a guitar playing, but than there you were! How are you? Still writing songs I see."
"I'm doing well, I guess. And no, my singing days are long over." There was a brief awkward silence between them. "What are you doing in town this late anyway?"
"Oh," Yuji blushed lightly. "I made a delivery this afternoon to a restaurant and met up with some of old co-workers of mine. We had dinner and a couple of drinks so I don't think I'm ready to go driving anywhere so I left the truck at the bar. Besides, it's hard to drive in the country at night. Lack of lights and all. I already called home at the restaurant so it's okay. Anyway, I was just looking for a hotel when I ran into you Shoichi-san. You wouldn't happen to know anyway hotels around here. "
In fact, Shoichi did know of a couple of hotels and motels that were cheap in price and perfect for Yuji to stay in.
"No, sorry. Can't say I do. I guess living around here has made me a little less aware of hotels."
"Oh," Yuji said dejectedly, lips in a cute subtle pout. "Oh well, I guess I'll keep looking around. Thanks Shoichi-san. It was nice seeing you again." Yuji turned to leave the park when Shoichi firmly grabbed his wrist with his free hand.
"Wait," he began. "You can stay at my place. If you want to that is. You don't have to pay for a hotel. It's just one night right?" Yuji grinned and his eyes twinkled brighter than the stars. There was the Yuji he remembered.
"Thank you Shoichi-san."
"Sorry, it's just me so the place is kinda small and, uh, bit of a mess." It wasn't smaller than Eisuke's place, but it certainly wasn't much bigger. The construction company gave him this apartment so he didn't complain and it was more than enough space for one person. But with Yuji in it, it felt smaller and not in a bad way. Like Yuji filled the empty space next to this kotatsu.
"This is more than okay. I owe you for this." Yuji walked a few steps into the apartment and found he didn't know what to do.
"Its fine Yuji," he teased. "If it weren't for you I would have starved to death." They shared a little chuckle. "This is the least I can do. For everything you've done."
There was that awkward silence again. Shoichi opened the door to his balcony and pulled out two bottles of his stash of beer from the box there. It was cheaper than refrigerating, much cheaper. He threw one to Yuji who politely thanked him and opened the bottle but didn't drink from it. He probably had enough already, Shoichi figured.
"Sit. I'll set out an extra futon and some pyjamas."
"Oh you don't have-"
"I want to. Please. Get under the kotatsu, it's kind of chilly in this room. Here I'll turn on the heater." It was gas operated and was dangerous (and expensive) to put on, but Yuji was a guest and it was cold. He handed Yuji his best pair of pyjamas and set up the futon while Yuji changed.
It was strange. Shoichi has seen Yuji's naked body before. They've bathed together, but it was just odd. Yuji changed a lot. He was more muscular, toned, and darker in some patches and lighter in others. Not unlike Shoichi himself. Shoichi saw a lot of himself in Yuji and instantly regretted it. He couldn't bring himself to compare to Yuji and Yuji's pure soul.
"Thank you again Shoichi-san."
"Yuji you can drop the honorific! It's Shoichi. Sho-i-chi. We're friends right?" Yuji smiled sheepishly and nodded lightly. The two snuggled underneath the kotatsu blanket and started peeling the oranges in the bowl there. They talked for hours about the past, about old songs and dreams. They talked about the other three and what they were doing and whether they should do another reunion like they did a while back. They both agreed maybe in a few more years. There was laughter and smiles and light taps. It was fun, getting together with old friends when new ones just don't get you too much.
"-and then he landed right in the garbage!" Yuji laughed, clutching his belly.
"No way! Mukai-san did that? Ha,ha." Shoichi gasped for air between giggles.
"Yeah, and then Kei barfed into the poor girl's lap! Never go on a group date with people that can't handle their drink!"
"Aha. I can't anyway. I'm a married man." The laughter dwindled down. Shoichi took his eyes off of Yuji and stared at the table, which suddenly became very interesting.
"How is Tokie anyway?" he asked quietly. Yuji cleared his throat and took a sip from his beer.
"She's fine. She's pregnant and in her fourth month. Our third actually." You mean your second, Shoichi thought to himself.
"Congratulations. Wait-third? You had one after..."
"Oh, I have two right now. A boy and girl! We're hoping for another boy now/" His eyes started to twinkle a bit more as he continued to talk about his children. He told Shoichi about his daughter and how she would cry when her mother picked her up, but giggle if he picked her up. He talked about how he and Tokie would speak to her belly and try to see if the child would come out smarter or sweeter. Yuji also talked about his son.
By that time Shoichi pulled out more beer bottles and nearly emptied out the first case. He didn't notice that Yuji barely finished his first one while he was working on his...he couldn't even remember or count how many he had. Yuji had to tell him repeatedly there was no beer left, which was a lie because he totally just bought at least 50 cases or something the day before!
"Let's sing a song! C'mon Yu~ji. Yuuuujiiii! Let's SING!" cried out Shoichi, taking his guitar from its corner. Yuji got out from under the kotatsu and snatched the guitar away from Shoichi.
"It's late, other people are sleeping. Let's go to sleep too okay? I have a long drive tomorrow," said Yuji, pushing and shoving Shoichi into a futon while pulling the string to turn off the light. Yuji settled into the futon next to it and placed his hands on his chest. It was a long night.
In the middle of the night Yuji felt a pressure on his chest, making it hard to breathe. He opened his eyes slowly, one lid at a time, and was greeted with Shoichi in his face and the smell of beer coming from Shoichi's breath. The older man sat on his chest, legs straddling and trapping his arms effectively. Yuji struggled in his half awake conscious to push Shoichi from him.
"Get off me Shoichi!" he demanded in a deep and frightening voice that scared him even in his drunk state. Shoichi knew what he was doing and the alcohol merely gave him the courage to do it.
"Let me go with you tomorrow," said Shoichi. Yuji stopped struggling and looked straight into Shoichi's eyes. They were clear and determined, not muddled and hazy like his expected. The last time Yuji saw that look in Shoichi's eyes were when he announced he was leaving for Hokkaido and was going to make it big, become a star.
"No, now get off me!" Yuji struggled some more. Shoichi held Yuji's face in his rough hands and stared into his eyes no more than 5 centimetres from Yuji's face.
"Let. Me. See. My. Son." That was what this was all about.
"He is not your son! " Yuji started kicking really hard. Instead Shoichi pushed his lips against Yuji's in a forceful kiss. It was all teeth and tongues and cheap beer and no hint of sweetness or love or the Shoichi Yuji knew. But Yuji did feel its loneliness and was beyond heart breaking. Shoichi moved away from his mouth to kiss and lick the corners of Yuji's mouth, lightly as if in apology and Yuji took it.
"Please, please," Shoichi whispered in between kisses. He sucked on Yuji's sensitive ear and trailed kisses down Yuji's neck, salty from sunrays and his own sweat.
"I can't. I can't let you." Yuji continued to struggle in his hold, but more out of his own need than out of any want to escape. Shoichi was his first love and even in drunk stupor he knew Shoichi wouldn't do anything to hurt him. He was too nice and too naive to do something Yuji didn't want. And he wanted this. Just for tonight, one night. He'll tell Tokie one day, he promised himself but lost his train of thought when Shoichi bit his pulse point, making his blood boil.
Shoichi continued down, removing his knees from Yuji's sides, giving him the chance to wrap his arms around Shoichi's neck. He brought the former singer back up for another, gentler kiss. It was slow and patient with all of Yuji's childhood emotions and affections pouring into Shoichi, trying to convey what they could have been but will never be.
At the same time Shoichi unbutton Yuji's shirt (rather, his shirt) one button at a time, pausing between each button to hold Yuji's skin. He broke off from the kiss and sucked on Yuji's nipple while playing with the other.
"I'm not a girl Shoichi," he gritted out, enjoying the sensations.
"It feels good okay," said Shoichi, a little less drunk. "I'm sorry. I just want to see my son."
"I'm still not going to let you see him," Shoichi bit it, "even if we do this."
"I know. I'm sorry," he licked, "I need this." Even with all the alcohol, Shoichi was a man and he had his needs. Needs that haven't been fulfilled for a long time with a partner.
"I understand," Yuji said so softly Shoichi barely heard him. Shoichi looked in Yuji's face and saw his eyes were closed shut out of pleasure and from the reality that this was happening and Shoichi was doing this to him. "I'll stop if you want. I'm sorry."
Yuji opened his eyes and it just looked so sinful to see the man he knew when they were just kids, cheeks flushed and forehead sweaty for him. He gave him a wet kiss and took the time to line their hard bodies. He put a leg between Yuji's and felt Yuji's hips rock against it in a small, instinctive motion. Shoichi spat in hand and shoved it down in Yuji's pants, wrapping his fingers around his erection. Yuji in turn moved against it, mewling and whining. Yuji realized Shoichi's problem and reciprocated the action. Both where breathing heavily into each other's ears, filling the room with the scent of musk and sadness.
"I'm sorry," Shoichi whispered into Yuji's ear again over and over. In between he would pant and moan Yuji's name and Yuji would reply, "It's okay. I know. I can't," between his gasps.
"I don't want to be alone," was the last thing Shoichi said before dropping face first into the pillow. Yuji slowly tucked the man in when he was sure Shoichi was asleep and watched his chest move up and down for a good hour.
"You were so much cooler when we were younger," Yuji whispered to the room.
The next morning he awoke to the sun in his face and a major headache. The curtains were slightly pulled open, which he never did because there wasn't much of a few outside. That meant last night was real, that Yuji was there to open the curtains and everything really happened. But when he looked around there was no other sign of Yuji. No sign of the spare futon being laid out or bottles of beer. Not even the stained pyjamas. He stayed on the floor for a while, reliving last night and wondered vaguely where he made the mistake, talking about Tokie or letting Yuji into his apartment.
He wasn't going to work today.
When he finally stood he saw a piece of paper on the kotatsu with some writing. He snatched the paper from the table top and read it fast, eyes never leaving the page. With the words of the ringing through his head, he grabbed whatever clothes within reach and stormed out of the apartment, rushing to his car.
Shoichi-san
There has never been a person I respected more than you. I thought your music would inspire people like it inspired me. You were an idol to me. Someone amazing that made dreams come true.
Then Tokie came to me. When I found her those many years ago, she was at the side of the bar she worked at, crying her eyes out. She just found out she was pregnant. With your child. And she knew she couldn't go to you. That there were no way you could support her in anyway, financially or emotionally. She asked me what to do and I didn't know any better than she did. The only thing we both knew is that we needed a way to safely bring that child into the world.
I brought her to the farm. I never told anyone who she was and they never said anything. They were simple people, but caring, making sure she felt comfortable and gave her all they could, sometimes more. There were days when that wasn't easy at all. I remember half way through the pregnancy she got violently ill and I was so scared that something was going to happen to her or the child, or worse both of them. I held her sweaty hands those nights, thinking "why isn't Shoichi-san here? Why doesn't he want to take care of his child? Why didn't he just stay with Tokie?"
I came to realize after the birth that it wasn't about you not choosing Tokie, but Tokie not choosing you. She made this hard decision of not telling you as a mother who wanted nothing more than to care for her child and as a friend that wanted the person she loved most to live their life freely and completely. She is such a beautiful person that I can't imagine why you didn't stay with her, but I'm glad for that. She gave me a wonderful son and the most adorable, loving daughter. And now she's giving me one more miracle and this is more than I could possibly ever ask from anyone.
This is why I cannot let Taro see you. I don't want to take away this happiness that has been thrust upon me. Call me selfish, but this is the one claim in life that I will take. Seeing you would just confuse him and Tokie. One day I will tell him about you with Tokie, but that day is not today or anytime soon.
More importantly, I, like Tokie, want you to live freely. To find yourself in the world. To have freedom to eat and drink and create music that inspired me so much when I was younger. A family is hard work, Shoichi-san. There are days when I feel tired and I still have more to do and there are days I worry I can't feed them. You can't be a part-time dad. And I want you to dedicate yourself to what you want to do, not what you feel you should do. So don't feel pressured that Taro should know you, he already has a father and he always will.
Shoichi rushed through the fields, sneaking past the other farm hands. Looking for that familiar figure of Yuji working, doing something with his life. He came to a halt when he saw him and dove into a nearby bush. It was almost time.
But I will allow you one liberty as a fellow father.
Come to the village, but do not let yourself be seen. Go through the fields of bok choy and you will find a path to the field where I am going to be harvesting. There will be a tall brush there where you can stay behind and not be caught as long as you don't make a sound. Tokie will come with the children around noon. Again, make sure you are not seen. You need to see his fireworks smile at least once, before he gets older and sour from the world.
Yuji
And right at twelve o'clock, Shoichi heard a voice he hadn't heard in a long time. He lowered his head and saw Tokie with a baby strapped on her back right next to him and yet unaware. Ahead of her was a boy, about four years old, waddling as fast as he small legs would take him. He was tiny and precious and so full of life.
Yuji was right, his smile was like fireworks. Sparkly and full of energy. He even had Shoichi's crinkly eyes and Tokie's sweet lips.
"Papa!" cried Taro in his sweet, high pitched voice. Yuji was at the other end of the path with his arms open and ready to catch him.
There was nothing Shoichi could do at that moment but cry into his rough, empty hands.
P.S.
Shoichi. When you are a father, no matter where your children are, you are never alone.
Rating: R (for sexual situations. WARNING: Borderline non-consensual sex, but not really...you'll see. Just a warning.)
Word Count: 3,448
Genre: Drama
Disclaimer: Owning humans are illegal in most parts of the world (and I can't afford their fabulousness)
Pairings: Shoichi/Yuji.
Summary: Post Kiiroi Namida/Yellow Tears. Shoichi meets Yuji while playing the guitar.
Notes: Aside from my sakumoto entry, I've never really written a sexual scene, so tips and suggestions would be nice. ^^;; I was going to originally put in Yuji's accent, but I really can't type accents. Sorry y'all. All criticisms welcome. Unbeta'ed as a warning. Title from Uematsu Hidemi's Baby. Listen to her she's amazing and I'll end the plug here. orz
Tonight was not different from any other night. Every night he would play the same song, strum out that tune on his old guitar underneath the same moonlit sky sitting on the same cold, hard park bench. His twinkling audience heard the song many times before, but never failed to be dazzled by its simple joy. These nights he would relive his youth of wasted hours over finding the right word for that chord and sweating in smouldering heat because he sold the fan for ice cream. He would dream of what could have happened if he won that radio contest. If he became the pop star he always knew he was destined to be. How would he be different? Would the calluses on his hands look better from guitar strings instead of steel bars? Would he be tired and sated at the end of the day instead of just tired?
Or would he be like Eisuke, happily living day by day doing what he loves most in the world, following his dream. Or maybe if he couldn't follow his dream, he could be like Kei and manage a club and meet popular baseball players. Or be like Ryuzo and travel everywhere selling the future of Japan. Or even travel back to the past with Yuji and taste and smell and touch the efforts of your hard labour. Maybe even start a family...?
But that was all "maybes and "ifs" that would get him no where. His life was good, liveable, and tolerable. Nothing spectacular like he hoped, but that was fine by him. He never had to worry about when his next meal would be or whether he would have a place to stay. No, he would just follow the rest of the workers and build. Build highways and railroads and buildings stories high. He, like Ryuzo, was part of the future. He created it. He was making Japan a better place.
And yet, it made him feel so small. He was just another cog in the machine that could easily be replaced despite years of work and dedication. He wasn't the important singer, or manga-ka, or salesman, or club manager. Just another blue collar worker.
"Shoichi-san?" a familiar voice from his past called out. Shoichi smiled at the fond memory of a certain young man pedalling his bike as fast as he could to reach him before he left to make sure he had a bento to eat on the train. Now he couldn't even remember the last time he heard from Yuji.
"Shoichi-san?" the voice persisted. Boy Shoichi really did miss him, didn't he? All of a sudden a gentle hand touched his shoulder and he jumped up in surprise, clutching the guitar in front of him just in case.
"It is you Shoichi-san!" said Yuji. His bright smile looked strange on his aged face, but no less endearing. His voice was definitely deeper than he remembered. His eyes were duller than he remembered too. And his skin was a lot darker than before. Not that it didn't suit him; Yuji was always a pretty child.
"Hello Yuji," he whispered amazingly and stupidly.
"It's been quite a while! I thought I was dreaming when I heard a guitar playing, but than there you were! How are you? Still writing songs I see."
"I'm doing well, I guess. And no, my singing days are long over." There was a brief awkward silence between them. "What are you doing in town this late anyway?"
"Oh," Yuji blushed lightly. "I made a delivery this afternoon to a restaurant and met up with some of old co-workers of mine. We had dinner and a couple of drinks so I don't think I'm ready to go driving anywhere so I left the truck at the bar. Besides, it's hard to drive in the country at night. Lack of lights and all. I already called home at the restaurant so it's okay. Anyway, I was just looking for a hotel when I ran into you Shoichi-san. You wouldn't happen to know anyway hotels around here. "
In fact, Shoichi did know of a couple of hotels and motels that were cheap in price and perfect for Yuji to stay in.
"No, sorry. Can't say I do. I guess living around here has made me a little less aware of hotels."
"Oh," Yuji said dejectedly, lips in a cute subtle pout. "Oh well, I guess I'll keep looking around. Thanks Shoichi-san. It was nice seeing you again." Yuji turned to leave the park when Shoichi firmly grabbed his wrist with his free hand.
"Wait," he began. "You can stay at my place. If you want to that is. You don't have to pay for a hotel. It's just one night right?" Yuji grinned and his eyes twinkled brighter than the stars. There was the Yuji he remembered.
"Thank you Shoichi-san."
"Sorry, it's just me so the place is kinda small and, uh, bit of a mess." It wasn't smaller than Eisuke's place, but it certainly wasn't much bigger. The construction company gave him this apartment so he didn't complain and it was more than enough space for one person. But with Yuji in it, it felt smaller and not in a bad way. Like Yuji filled the empty space next to this kotatsu.
"This is more than okay. I owe you for this." Yuji walked a few steps into the apartment and found he didn't know what to do.
"Its fine Yuji," he teased. "If it weren't for you I would have starved to death." They shared a little chuckle. "This is the least I can do. For everything you've done."
There was that awkward silence again. Shoichi opened the door to his balcony and pulled out two bottles of his stash of beer from the box there. It was cheaper than refrigerating, much cheaper. He threw one to Yuji who politely thanked him and opened the bottle but didn't drink from it. He probably had enough already, Shoichi figured.
"Sit. I'll set out an extra futon and some pyjamas."
"Oh you don't have-"
"I want to. Please. Get under the kotatsu, it's kind of chilly in this room. Here I'll turn on the heater." It was gas operated and was dangerous (and expensive) to put on, but Yuji was a guest and it was cold. He handed Yuji his best pair of pyjamas and set up the futon while Yuji changed.
It was strange. Shoichi has seen Yuji's naked body before. They've bathed together, but it was just odd. Yuji changed a lot. He was more muscular, toned, and darker in some patches and lighter in others. Not unlike Shoichi himself. Shoichi saw a lot of himself in Yuji and instantly regretted it. He couldn't bring himself to compare to Yuji and Yuji's pure soul.
"Thank you again Shoichi-san."
"Yuji you can drop the honorific! It's Shoichi. Sho-i-chi. We're friends right?" Yuji smiled sheepishly and nodded lightly. The two snuggled underneath the kotatsu blanket and started peeling the oranges in the bowl there. They talked for hours about the past, about old songs and dreams. They talked about the other three and what they were doing and whether they should do another reunion like they did a while back. They both agreed maybe in a few more years. There was laughter and smiles and light taps. It was fun, getting together with old friends when new ones just don't get you too much.
"-and then he landed right in the garbage!" Yuji laughed, clutching his belly.
"No way! Mukai-san did that? Ha,ha." Shoichi gasped for air between giggles.
"Yeah, and then Kei barfed into the poor girl's lap! Never go on a group date with people that can't handle their drink!"
"Aha. I can't anyway. I'm a married man." The laughter dwindled down. Shoichi took his eyes off of Yuji and stared at the table, which suddenly became very interesting.
"How is Tokie anyway?" he asked quietly. Yuji cleared his throat and took a sip from his beer.
"She's fine. She's pregnant and in her fourth month. Our third actually." You mean your second, Shoichi thought to himself.
"Congratulations. Wait-third? You had one after..."
"Oh, I have two right now. A boy and girl! We're hoping for another boy now/" His eyes started to twinkle a bit more as he continued to talk about his children. He told Shoichi about his daughter and how she would cry when her mother picked her up, but giggle if he picked her up. He talked about how he and Tokie would speak to her belly and try to see if the child would come out smarter or sweeter. Yuji also talked about his son.
By that time Shoichi pulled out more beer bottles and nearly emptied out the first case. He didn't notice that Yuji barely finished his first one while he was working on his...he couldn't even remember or count how many he had. Yuji had to tell him repeatedly there was no beer left, which was a lie because he totally just bought at least 50 cases or something the day before!
"Let's sing a song! C'mon Yu~ji. Yuuuujiiii! Let's SING!" cried out Shoichi, taking his guitar from its corner. Yuji got out from under the kotatsu and snatched the guitar away from Shoichi.
"It's late, other people are sleeping. Let's go to sleep too okay? I have a long drive tomorrow," said Yuji, pushing and shoving Shoichi into a futon while pulling the string to turn off the light. Yuji settled into the futon next to it and placed his hands on his chest. It was a long night.
In the middle of the night Yuji felt a pressure on his chest, making it hard to breathe. He opened his eyes slowly, one lid at a time, and was greeted with Shoichi in his face and the smell of beer coming from Shoichi's breath. The older man sat on his chest, legs straddling and trapping his arms effectively. Yuji struggled in his half awake conscious to push Shoichi from him.
"Get off me Shoichi!" he demanded in a deep and frightening voice that scared him even in his drunk state. Shoichi knew what he was doing and the alcohol merely gave him the courage to do it.
"Let me go with you tomorrow," said Shoichi. Yuji stopped struggling and looked straight into Shoichi's eyes. They were clear and determined, not muddled and hazy like his expected. The last time Yuji saw that look in Shoichi's eyes were when he announced he was leaving for Hokkaido and was going to make it big, become a star.
"No, now get off me!" Yuji struggled some more. Shoichi held Yuji's face in his rough hands and stared into his eyes no more than 5 centimetres from Yuji's face.
"Let. Me. See. My. Son." That was what this was all about.
"He is not your son! " Yuji started kicking really hard. Instead Shoichi pushed his lips against Yuji's in a forceful kiss. It was all teeth and tongues and cheap beer and no hint of sweetness or love or the Shoichi Yuji knew. But Yuji did feel its loneliness and was beyond heart breaking. Shoichi moved away from his mouth to kiss and lick the corners of Yuji's mouth, lightly as if in apology and Yuji took it.
"Please, please," Shoichi whispered in between kisses. He sucked on Yuji's sensitive ear and trailed kisses down Yuji's neck, salty from sunrays and his own sweat.
"I can't. I can't let you." Yuji continued to struggle in his hold, but more out of his own need than out of any want to escape. Shoichi was his first love and even in drunk stupor he knew Shoichi wouldn't do anything to hurt him. He was too nice and too naive to do something Yuji didn't want. And he wanted this. Just for tonight, one night. He'll tell Tokie one day, he promised himself but lost his train of thought when Shoichi bit his pulse point, making his blood boil.
Shoichi continued down, removing his knees from Yuji's sides, giving him the chance to wrap his arms around Shoichi's neck. He brought the former singer back up for another, gentler kiss. It was slow and patient with all of Yuji's childhood emotions and affections pouring into Shoichi, trying to convey what they could have been but will never be.
At the same time Shoichi unbutton Yuji's shirt (rather, his shirt) one button at a time, pausing between each button to hold Yuji's skin. He broke off from the kiss and sucked on Yuji's nipple while playing with the other.
"I'm not a girl Shoichi," he gritted out, enjoying the sensations.
"It feels good okay," said Shoichi, a little less drunk. "I'm sorry. I just want to see my son."
"I'm still not going to let you see him," Shoichi bit it, "even if we do this."
"I know. I'm sorry," he licked, "I need this." Even with all the alcohol, Shoichi was a man and he had his needs. Needs that haven't been fulfilled for a long time with a partner.
"I understand," Yuji said so softly Shoichi barely heard him. Shoichi looked in Yuji's face and saw his eyes were closed shut out of pleasure and from the reality that this was happening and Shoichi was doing this to him. "I'll stop if you want. I'm sorry."
Yuji opened his eyes and it just looked so sinful to see the man he knew when they were just kids, cheeks flushed and forehead sweaty for him. He gave him a wet kiss and took the time to line their hard bodies. He put a leg between Yuji's and felt Yuji's hips rock against it in a small, instinctive motion. Shoichi spat in hand and shoved it down in Yuji's pants, wrapping his fingers around his erection. Yuji in turn moved against it, mewling and whining. Yuji realized Shoichi's problem and reciprocated the action. Both where breathing heavily into each other's ears, filling the room with the scent of musk and sadness.
"I'm sorry," Shoichi whispered into Yuji's ear again over and over. In between he would pant and moan Yuji's name and Yuji would reply, "It's okay. I know. I can't," between his gasps.
"I don't want to be alone," was the last thing Shoichi said before dropping face first into the pillow. Yuji slowly tucked the man in when he was sure Shoichi was asleep and watched his chest move up and down for a good hour.
"You were so much cooler when we were younger," Yuji whispered to the room.
The next morning he awoke to the sun in his face and a major headache. The curtains were slightly pulled open, which he never did because there wasn't much of a few outside. That meant last night was real, that Yuji was there to open the curtains and everything really happened. But when he looked around there was no other sign of Yuji. No sign of the spare futon being laid out or bottles of beer. Not even the stained pyjamas. He stayed on the floor for a while, reliving last night and wondered vaguely where he made the mistake, talking about Tokie or letting Yuji into his apartment.
He wasn't going to work today.
When he finally stood he saw a piece of paper on the kotatsu with some writing. He snatched the paper from the table top and read it fast, eyes never leaving the page. With the words of the ringing through his head, he grabbed whatever clothes within reach and stormed out of the apartment, rushing to his car.
Shoichi-san
There has never been a person I respected more than you. I thought your music would inspire people like it inspired me. You were an idol to me. Someone amazing that made dreams come true.
Then Tokie came to me. When I found her those many years ago, she was at the side of the bar she worked at, crying her eyes out. She just found out she was pregnant. With your child. And she knew she couldn't go to you. That there were no way you could support her in anyway, financially or emotionally. She asked me what to do and I didn't know any better than she did. The only thing we both knew is that we needed a way to safely bring that child into the world.
I brought her to the farm. I never told anyone who she was and they never said anything. They were simple people, but caring, making sure she felt comfortable and gave her all they could, sometimes more. There were days when that wasn't easy at all. I remember half way through the pregnancy she got violently ill and I was so scared that something was going to happen to her or the child, or worse both of them. I held her sweaty hands those nights, thinking "why isn't Shoichi-san here? Why doesn't he want to take care of his child? Why didn't he just stay with Tokie?"
I came to realize after the birth that it wasn't about you not choosing Tokie, but Tokie not choosing you. She made this hard decision of not telling you as a mother who wanted nothing more than to care for her child and as a friend that wanted the person she loved most to live their life freely and completely. She is such a beautiful person that I can't imagine why you didn't stay with her, but I'm glad for that. She gave me a wonderful son and the most adorable, loving daughter. And now she's giving me one more miracle and this is more than I could possibly ever ask from anyone.
This is why I cannot let Taro see you. I don't want to take away this happiness that has been thrust upon me. Call me selfish, but this is the one claim in life that I will take. Seeing you would just confuse him and Tokie. One day I will tell him about you with Tokie, but that day is not today or anytime soon.
More importantly, I, like Tokie, want you to live freely. To find yourself in the world. To have freedom to eat and drink and create music that inspired me so much when I was younger. A family is hard work, Shoichi-san. There are days when I feel tired and I still have more to do and there are days I worry I can't feed them. You can't be a part-time dad. And I want you to dedicate yourself to what you want to do, not what you feel you should do. So don't feel pressured that Taro should know you, he already has a father and he always will.
Shoichi rushed through the fields, sneaking past the other farm hands. Looking for that familiar figure of Yuji working, doing something with his life. He came to a halt when he saw him and dove into a nearby bush. It was almost time.
But I will allow you one liberty as a fellow father.
Come to the village, but do not let yourself be seen. Go through the fields of bok choy and you will find a path to the field where I am going to be harvesting. There will be a tall brush there where you can stay behind and not be caught as long as you don't make a sound. Tokie will come with the children around noon. Again, make sure you are not seen. You need to see his fireworks smile at least once, before he gets older and sour from the world.
Yuji
And right at twelve o'clock, Shoichi heard a voice he hadn't heard in a long time. He lowered his head and saw Tokie with a baby strapped on her back right next to him and yet unaware. Ahead of her was a boy, about four years old, waddling as fast as he small legs would take him. He was tiny and precious and so full of life.
Yuji was right, his smile was like fireworks. Sparkly and full of energy. He even had Shoichi's crinkly eyes and Tokie's sweet lips.
"Papa!" cried Taro in his sweet, high pitched voice. Yuji was at the other end of the path with his arms open and ready to catch him.
There was nothing Shoichi could do at that moment but cry into his rough, empty hands.
P.S.
Shoichi. When you are a father, no matter where your children are, you are never alone.