Hard Headed and Stubborn Hearted (Mean a Pain in Both) (7/8)
Kyungsoo scraps the old plan. There are elements of it that he can still use (meaning all of it), but there’s a lot more to think about now.
Mostly, that Sehun likes him. This changes things. All things. It also makes Kyungsoo even more aware now. After Kyungsoo had waited outside the dance room for practice to end, hoping he could catch Sehun, he’d ended up missing his chance. Yixing had stepped out, surprised, and caught him up in conversation enough that Sehun slipped past him.
Jongin had apologized later that afternoon, explaining that he really didn’t know that Kyungsoo had no idea. He also explained that apparently most people knew. Apparently, most everyone also seemed to think that he and Sehun were a kind of ‘thing’. He even mentioned that it was something that bothered Chanyeol and Jongdae, who were apparently far more observant.
This possibly explained why the two of them had so quickly backed off of getting Kyungsoo to warm up with Yixing where as Baekhyun had beaten it into the ground because he’s an ignorant unobservant asshat. It does nothing but make Kyungsoo feel even worse for almost everything, spinning over his conversations with Sehun and feeling acutely guilty.
All the times that Kyungsoo complained about manly stuff, about Yixing, and ignored Sehun. Sehun’s patience, his few flares of emotion, how he would light up around Kyungsoo all fits in with the new information that Sehun has feelings for him.
The good thing is that the following day, Tuesday, Sehun hasn’t vanished off the face of Kyungsoo’s world. He’s right back where he used to be, with their friends and laughing and joking and looking at Kyungsoo and talking to him too. Jongin had helpfully leaned into Kyungsoo’s side and whispered he hadn’t told Sehun that he told Kyungsoo so please don’t worry.
It makes Kyungsoo feel just a little bit better, because at least Sehun won’t act terrified or crushed hopefully.
The only bad thing is that though Sehun is now treating Kyungsoo like he’s not the plague that Kyungsoo is studying, he’s just as distant as he had been last week. It's only through being pushy that Kyungsoo gets Sehun to come by after school on Wednesday to study with him, sprawled on the couch in the apartment with their books open.
It would be fine, and Kyungsoo would hopefully be able to say something, except he’s distracted. Aside from being nervous and not really knowing what to say now (because he likes Sehun and Sehun likes him and how does he even broach something like that?), Sehun won’t come near him.
Literally.
Sehun, whose default state around Kyungsoo is with his arm draped over his shoulder and his fingers resting at the nape of his neck, is keeping at least a two foot distance between them. They’d walked to Kyungsoo’s apartment talking about nothing significant (Sehun had talked at length about wanting a kitten), and Sehun had kept his hands shoved in his pockets, not touching. Sehun hadn’t come with Kyungsoo into the kitchen like he always does, leaning on him and getting in his way as he demands to be fed.
Sehun had even scooted away on the couch when Kyungsoo sat down near him, his long legs folding up under him. Kyungsoo notices it all. The way Sehun somehow twists himself into strange angles just so he won’t touch him, how he keeps his fingers picking and tugging at his clothing or mouth to keep them busy. He notices how much Sehun used to touch him before because he doesn’t touch him at all now.
It's so frustrating Kyungsoo almost throws his books to the ground and stands up to go over to him and just sit on him. That would probably get his attention, though it may also make Kyungsoo pass out from shock from having done something so drastic.
“Is Insung coming home this weekend?” Sehun asks quietly, chewing his lip. He’s got his fingers in his hair, twirling his long bangs around them as he tries to focus on his work.
“He was home last weekend,” Kyungsoo says, feeling odd talking about this. Usually, Sehun would know because they’d have either had movie weekend or Sehun would have complained about not having it for hours or in thirty text messages. It makes Kyungsoo’s breaths hurt.
“Oh,” says Sehun, and tucks his legs a bit more under him.
The space between them is just a couch cushion, but Kyungsoo feels like it’s so much bigger than that. It’s like they don’t know how to talk anymore, and Kyungsoo just wants to pull down whatever it is between them and have Sehun crawl to wedge into his side again. He wants to have Sehun back.
Getting up, Kyungsoo takes a brief respite to grab some snacks from the kitchen, grabbing a few drinks. Just as he’s bringing them back, the door opens and Minseok and a few of his friends walk in.
“Practice let out early,” Minseok explains as he passes Kyungsoo on his way into the kitchen. “Apparently coach thinks I drive the team too hard.”
“You literally drove Dongwoo’s head into the mud,” laughs Han, hopping a bit as he follows Minseok into the kitchen. “I’d say that's some pretty hard driving. Sup shortie!”
“Han, just because people are shorter than you are doesn’t mean you can-“ sighs from the other young man walking in. Kyungsoo recognizes him as the Junior class president.
“Sure I can!” Han says defiantly. “I call you shortie. It’s like a term of honor for all those cuties shorter than me.”
“I’m not cute,” Kyungsoo says automatically.
“Yes, you are,” calls Sehun’s voice from the couch in the living room.
Usually, Kyungsoo would frown and dismiss himself silently to go shove Sehun’s giggling face into the pillows. Now, Kyungsoo’s heart squeezes and he wants to go hug him. Apparently this is what feelings do to him.
“I’m gonna go sit with the kid who speaks literally,” says Han, giving a sort of firm nod before sauntering off to the living room.
“I’m sorry he’s so rude,” apologizes the Junior class president, offering Kyungsoo a smile that looks almost sympathetic (or pained). “Really, I’ve tried to tell him to be more polite.”
“Han wouldn’t know how to be polite to the people he knows if they tried to beat it into him with an anvil,” Minseok says, emerging from the kitchen holding snacks of vegetables and fruits. “Can you help me with these, Junmyeon?”
Han, Junmyeon, and Minseok all take up residence in the living room as well. Minseok and Junmyeon had asked both Kyungsoo and Sehun if they minded before settling down. It leaves Kyungsoo with the middle couch cushion beside Sehun which he takes eagerly.
It’s a little hard to study with Han making constant commentary about his history notes and Junmyeon chastising him for not paying enough attention in the class. It’s a lot harder to study when Kyungsoo can almost feel the warmth of Sehun at his side, and yet Sehun, who is usually so proactive in touching, is curled up away from him. Kyungsoo can hear his own breathing as he keeps glancing at Sehun beside him.
Sehun, who hasn’t turned the page of his literature book for the last twenty five minutes, fingers continuously curling the top corner of the page. Sehun, who is frowning at his book with his bottom lip pulled between his teeth. When Minseok makes a comment about a particular event they’ve been studying, Kyungsoo takes in a deep breath and reaches for the vegetables.
Popping a stick of cucumber into his mouth, Kyungsoo leans back into the couch, slipping to the side a bit and letting his hand fall to his side. He leans into Sehun, feeling him stiffen at the contact, and bites down the nervous rushing that jitters up him. Unfamiliar and new and really, unfortunately, wonderful. Leaning in a bit more, he wedges his head against Sehun’s shoulder and lets out a bit of a sigh.
This is normal, and a soft feeling of comfort washes over him gently, letting him ease a bit, muscles unclenching as he sags a bit more into Sehun beside him. He doesn't realize it until he hears the soft exhale, but Sehun is doing it too, finally unwinding all the tightly curled tension and letting himself lean into Kyungsoo as well. There isn’t any resistance when Kyungsoo shifts his hand to hook into Sehun’s, pulling them together and pushing Sehun’s hand open with his fingers. It pulls a contented sigh from him, feeling warm and comfortable and okay as he traces the soft skin of Sehun’s palm and feels Sehun lean back into him as well.
Finally.
It isn’t the conversation Kyungsoo should have with him, or clearing up what’s going on in Kyungsoo’s head or heart or other things. But it’s something, and Kyungsoo is smiling without realizing it when he blinks slowly and can finally concentrate on his reading homework in front of him. He notices Junmyeon’s eyes resting on him briefly, but doesn’t feel strange or annoyed or awkward, because it’s okay.
It’s finally okay, and Kyungsoo feels like he’s finally happy and this is fine and when he looks up at Sehun beside him-
Sehun has a small frown on his face, his lower lip pulled between his teeth, and his eyes are shining. Sehun doesn't look happy, even if there is a soft cute pink blush on his cheeks, transforming his handsome face to look younger. The look that flickers in Sehun’s eyes isn’t happy or excited or content.
It’s guilty.
And that’s not at all what Kyungsoo wanted to have happen from this. He’s right back at square one, where he has no idea what to say or do, and all his feelings get in the way.
Because Sehun probably feels guilty for indulging in his feelings while thinking that Kyungsoo has feelings for someone else that isn’t him and Kyungsoo doesn't know how to just tell him that’s wrong without it getting complicated.
Somehow, it’s always complicated, and Kyungsoo isn’t good at figuring out stuff that’s complicated when it’s his feelings.
✏
Fourth Period: The End is in Sight
Friendship
A bond between two people
Friendship is like peeing in your pants. Everyone can see it but only you can feel it’s warmth.
The only competition Kyungsoo has ever really been in are ones where he can’t see the other competitors. Sports were never really his thing, and fighting to win a game wasn’t ever really what he got in. He left that sort of thing for Minseok to take care of, and Kyungsoo only got competitive when he was defending his lunch from his friends. Then and perhaps when he and Jongdae and Baekhyun are playing cards, but that’s mostly because Jongdae is a filthy cheat and Baekhyun tries to make up rules.
As a result of this, Kyungsoo doesn’t often get what are referred to as ‘pep talks’ and never truly understood the significance of them. He knows that Minseok gives them to his team and he knows Minseok gets them from Han and Junmyeon. He knows especially Junmyeon gives them, specifically from watching him study with the other two a few days ago when Han had started complaining about college applications and Minseok had snapped at him to shove it. It had been Junmyeon that came in and smoothed over the ruffled feathers and ended up getting them back on task.
Kyungsoo likes Junmyeon, mostly because he’s both incredibly nice but also apparently rules everyone around him with an iron fist. It almost makes him want to approach the Junior Class President and ask him for a pep talk, even if he doesn’t really know Junmyeon, because he feels like for the first time in his life he needs one.
As it is, Kyungsoo ends up spending the school day fidgeting with his pens and finally breaking down. His phone is full of texts to people, and Kyungsoo keeps nervously checking it. Lunch had been an awkward affair of Yixing sitting with him with an arm around him shoulders and smelling like lilac as Kyungsoo tried not to lean into him too much.
It had all gone incredibly well considering, and Sehun ended up almost back to his old joking and laughing self when Yixing was telling stories. Kyungsoo had almost forgotten that Yixing and he had a ‘thing’ going on right up until he was laughing at something Chanyeol said and felt the soft brush of lips against his cheek.
At which point everything went crashing to hell because Yixing had just kissed him on the cheek as casually as if it happened all the time. Kyungsoo didn’t really have a good excuse to chew Yixing out for it, especially when, to Yixing, he hadn’t done anything wrong. Sehun hadn’t spoken much through the rest of lunch, and Kyungsoo wanted so badly to reach out to him right then and there and say it’s not what he thinks it is because Kyungsoo doesn’t like Yixing like that.
It made the rest of lunch incredibly awkward, especially with Jongin staring at him fixedly almost the entire time as Baekhyun kept making vague sexual comments. Chanyeol had looked disappointed and Jongdae…
Jongdae had just looked at him like he wanted to say something but knew that saying it at lunch would be a bad idea and wisely kept his mouth shut. He fortunately didn’t act like he was upset or annoyed or judging. Kyungsoo doesn’t need judgment right now, which is why during fourth period literature he ends up leaning into Jongdae beside him and asking him to come study after school.
Kyungsoo needs a pep talk, because he has a lot of shit to deal with and is slightly scared shitless about it.
“So am I really here to help you with your plague project or is this me being asked to stage an intervention?” Jongdae asks, dropping his backpack next to the couch before toppling onto it. “Because if it’s the plague project, I flat out refuse. You dug yourself that mass grave and I’ll have no part of it.”
“No,” Kyungsoo says. He fidgets, not sure if he should sit down in one of the chairs or force Jongdae to share the couch with him. “I’m- I need a pep talk.”
For a moment, Kyungsoo thinks Jongdae is going to laugh at him, the surprised look on his face a flinch away from horrible braying laughter. Then, as Kyungsoo’s heart begins to speed up, Jongdae sits up, reaches for him, and tugs him down onto the couch with him.
Jongdae never snuggles people like they would expect him to. Jongdae snuggles people like a child burrows themselves into their parents side, wrapping his arms around them and holding on and tugging them closer until they have to just release and let him hold them. It’s not at all what might be perceived as protective, but somehow it makes Kyungsoo feel safer than anything.
Jongdae doesn’t really give him the option of not being touched or understanding that he’s there for him. He just imposes himself so that you know he’s there and listening and supporting you. It might be a little clingy, but Kyungsoo knows as soon as Jongdae’s arms wrap around his waist and he’s tugged back into his side that Jongdae is there for him.
“I think you need to tell me what I’m supposed to be giving you pep for,” Jongdae says with a bit of a sigh. It ruffles Kyungsoo’s hair. “I mean, I could give you just a random pep talk, but it wouldn’t be as awesome.” His fingers splay against Kyungsoo’s side, and Kyungsoo lets out his own sigh, relaxing a bit more into Jongdae. “Unless you’re going to talk about being manly again, in which case get off my lap.”
That pulls a chuckle from Kyungsoo. “No, not manly stuff,” he says, smiling a little even as his heart beats too loud. “I’m having problems with Yixing.”
“You didn’t seem to have problems with him at lunch today when he kissed you,” Jongdae says blandly. Kyungsoo grimaces and Jongdae makes a small sound. “Unless you didn’t want him to kiss you. Or he doesn't know that at all.”
Kyungsoo wets his lips, trying to figure out how exactly the get into the topic without just bluntly stating information about himself. “I don’t want to hurt him,” he finally says, staring at Jongdae’s knees next to his. “He’s really nice, and a good person, and I don’t dislike him I just…”
“It’s okay not to be attracted to someone even if you really do like them,” Jongdae tells him gently. “If you tell Yixing you’re not ready or not sure yet, I’m sure he’ll understand. He’s a really great guy, which I’m glad you finally let yourself see, and he does like and care about you.” Kyungsoo shifts, feeling something writhe uncomfortably in his gut. “Unless that's not the reason.”
“I do like him I just-” Kyungsoo pauses to inhale and feels Jongdae give him a reassuring little squeeze. “I’m not going to like him more than a friend.”
“That’s okay, you know,” Jongdae tells him quietly. “You just kind of need to tell him that so he stops kissing you.”
“Today was the first time that’s happened,” Kyungsoo says, feeling oddly grumpy about it. He didn’t at the time, but he’d so wanted to reach up like a kid might and wipe off the feeling of Yixing’s lips on his skin.
“Really?” Jongdae sounds oddly surprised. “He’s always been so affectionate with you though. Well, with a lot of people. Like, I know that he likes to tease Han and make him sit on his lap and he-“ Jongdae stops himself and stills slightly. “Oh.” Kyungsoo turns to look at him, frowning a bit as Jongdae doesn’t elaborate on that ‘oh’ at all.
Beside him, Jongdae is frowning as if in the middle of figuring out a complicated math equation. As soon as he catches Kyungsoo’s look though he shakes himself, offering a smile. “What?”
“Nothing,” Jongdae says with a smile. “So why else is it bad if Yixing is kissing you? Aside from him having cooties and you not actually being in punch-drunk love with him.”
“I’m-“ Kyungsoo breathes in deep. “I think I have feelings for someone else.”
“So this is like some sort of messed up love triangle,” Jongdae hums, sounding more amused than anything. “Or square, depending on how you look at it.”
“Squares have four sides,” Kyungsoo tells him, frowning.
“And a circle has none,” Jongdae replies smoothly. He sighs against Kyungsoo, not letting go even as Kyungsoo’s frown tugs a bit more down. “So Yixing kind of likes you and you don’t like him because you like someone else who may or may not like you.”
“He likes me,” Kyungsoo says, and resists the urge to squirm. Rather than squirming, he lets himself go limp, sagging into Jongdae. It feels exactly like all those horrible romantic teen movies that Kyungsoo hates being sat through at Baekhyun’s house, where people sit around talking about their feelings and mooning over their crushes.
“Impressive,” Jongdae says. “You really did your homework on this one.”
“I don't think this has anything to do with homework,” Kyungsoo sighs. “The problem is,” he says, then takes in a deep breath, trying to fill the space in his chest that keeps flip-flopping in nerves. “I don’t really want to lose Yixing as a friend, because I do like him, but I don’t want to hurt him. And…”
“But you really like the other guy,” Jongdae murmurs for him. “And it probably hurts him to see you with Yixing. Like, a lot.” Kyungsoo just nods. He rolls over a bit so he can fit a bit easier in Jongdae’s side, enough to press his face into Jongdae’s shoulder like he did back in the spring, and hide. It’s easier, nicer to just feel Jongdae cuddling and holding him easily, letting him ground himself for just a moment.
“I don’t know what to do,” Kyungsoo mumbles into the fabric of Jongdae’s sweater.
“Actually, I think you do,” Jongdae tells him, a hand running gently up and down his side in a soothing manner. “I think you’re just afraid to do it.”
“You’re really shitty at pep talks,” Kyungsoo grumbles, keeping his eyes closed as he burrows further into Jongdae’s shoulder. “This is supposed to be helpful.”
Jongdae lets out a soft laugh, shaking with it against him and Kyungsoo bites his lip gently. If he hurts Yixing by telling him that he’s been leading him on, Kyungsoo is going to feel bad. He already feels bad because it feels like he’s been using Yixing’s feelings for him to keep him as a friend, which is kind of true. He feels even worse because he’d apparently been using Sehun’s feelings for him without knowing and Sehun has been kind of a punching bag for all of Kyungsoo’s angst about things with Yixing.
Sehun doesn’t deserve that, and Kyungsoo is pretty sure him going up and saying ‘by the way, I have feelings for you and not Yixing so let’s do things’ isn’t really going to go down that well. Sehun deserves better than someone who can’t even see how much he cares.
When Kyungsoo thinks about it like that, he realizes that by all definitions of manly, he’s not at all. He’s just a jerk.
“I am being helpful,” Jongdae tells him. “I’m sitting here with you and listening to you try to figure out your feelings. Which, I can assure you, is a very noble thing. You suck at feelings.”
“I know,” Kyungsoo almost moans before catching himself.
“You really must feel like shit,” Jongdae observes. “But you’re not going to stop feeling like shit until you sort things out with both Yixing and Sehun.”
“Yeah,” Kyungsoo sighs, and then stills. Pulling back from Jongdae abruptly, Kyungsoo stares at him. “How did you know it was Sehun?”
“Because I’m a wizard,” Jongdae tells him sarcastically, and then lets out a stupid sort of laugh. “Kyungsoo, I have eyes. I’m not that blind. No one is. Well, except maybe Sehun, who seems to have on blinders or something entirely based on guilt about how self indulgent he is around you.”
“Self indulgent?”
“Kyungsoo, his priority seat is in your lap and you let him sit there,” Jongdae says almost exasperatedly. “I swear, if Sehun really wanted to just let you go and harbor his one sided love story, he wouldn’t spend most of his time with you trying to pet you. And you let him do it.” Kyungsoo wets his lips, feeling warm and jittery and inhuman. “Kyungsoo, it takes until you’re basically about to emotionally crack before you’ll let someone that close. Like me, for example, or Chanyeol or Baekhyun.”
“Baekhyun would just make fun of me,” Kyungsoo says.
“Only because he has no other idea how to get you to tell him stuff and he’s too afraid to let his guard down,” Jongdae retorts. “At least I’m the fearless one in the group.”
“I thought you were afraid of water,” Kyungsoo says, frowning.
“I went water skiing last summer to fix that,” Jongdae says flippantly. “Problem solved and fear faced.” He smiles brilliantly, and Kyungsoo thinks that maybe he really has been missing so much with all his big ideas and boxes for people. Despite everything, Jongdae may just be the manliest person he knows. “So now it’s time to face your fears.”
“I can sleep in the dark,” Kyungsoo says, frowning and trying to push down the shivers and jumps in his pancake heart.
Jongdae practically giggles, reaching up to poke Kyungsoo in the chest before splaying his hand over the center of Kyungsoo’s chest, right over his heart. “I’m talking about your feelings, and how you keep running from them. I think that’s why Sehun keeps getting so upset with you, because you keep running from all of them, even the ones where you’re happy.” He hums a bit, looking thoughtful. “I think that might be why he keeps trying too, because he sees you so happy when you two are together, and he really just wants you to be happy.”
“What about him?” Kyungsoo asks, and his voice comes out thick, like it’s dragging through the muck and mire of feelings inside him. He isn’t sure what feeling it is exactly, but overall it just makes him feel really heavy and shivery.
“Yes,” Jongdae says, and presses his hand gently against Kyungsoo’s chest. “What about Sehun?”
“I want him to be happy too,” Kyungsoo says, frowning because shouldn’t that be obvious?
“So I think that’s your answer to your dilemma,” Jongdae says, and smiles again, his hand still running soothingly up and down Kyungsoo’s back. “See? You just needed to figure out what you really want, rather than thinking about what everyone else wants.”
“But-“ Kyungsoo takes a swift shaking breath, and feels a soft sort of roll in his chest against Jongdae’s warm hand. “What if Sehun says no?”
“Would you rather keep hiding from all of this and never know if he’ll say no or not?”
“No.”
“Then stop figuring out ways to hide and get more concerned about other people and things,” Jongdae tells him. “The Romans didn’t make an empire by sitting around and hoping people would just come surrender to them. They did it by going out and taking chances.”
“I thought they did it with militia and superior military strategy,” Kyungsoo says.
“Kyungsoo, you’re ruining my metaphor,” Jongdae almost whines at him, sagging a bit against him.
“How is that a metaphor?”
“Analogy,” Jongdae corrects haughtily. “Or just example. Look, did you get the point?”
“If I don't take the risk I’ll never conquer Europe?” Kyungsoo tries.
“As long as you’re aware that Sehun is Europe, then yes, that’s exactly what I meant,” Jongdae tells him happily. “Except, like, don’t conquer him. Just … renaissance him. Tastefully. Though, I mean, you can just go up and sit on him or something and tell him you’re claiming him in your name. Give it a go and see if he is game for that sort of thing.”
“I think that might be a bit extreme,” Kyungsoo says, voice a little tight as he pictures just walking up to Sehun and sitting on him. He can almost picture Sehun’s eyes widening in shock, his pink lips opening in a gasp as he looks at Kyungsoo with a soft blush painting his cheeks. He can imagine that Sehun would put his hands on his hips in shock, not gripping but just lightly resting against Kyungsoo’s waist, waiting for some explanation as to why Kyungsoo is sitting on him, his breaths coming just a little shorter.
Kyungsoo swallows very stickily and takes a deep breath.
“Sometimes extremely measures are necessarily,” Jongdae muses as Kyungsoo leans back to settle against Jongdae’s side again. He can feel his heart fluttering a bit more, and this time when he tries to put up Yixing and Sehun in his mind as a comparison, all he can see is Sehun. The flip-flop tumbles so hard it makes his breath catch. “Just make sure not to do them in public.”
“You’re good at this stuff,” Kyungsoo comments finally after a long pause. Jongdae hums to show he’s listening and that Kyungsoo probably needs to specify what he’s talking about. “The feelings stuff.”
“I’ve had a lot of practice,” Jongdae says loftily. “Being best friends with you and Baekhyun does that. Also being totally okay with myself and knowing how I feel about the people I like.”
Kyungsoo glances over at him, suddenly a bit more aware of Jongdae’s hand on his side as it smoothes up his back. He’s not used to having to think about how people around him might mean something else with their actions. He hadn’t thought about it with Sehun until it became extremely relevant, and the only reason he’d been so aware of it with Yixing was because he knew right off the bat. And now…
Kyungsoo wets his lips, hoping that he’s not fucking up again because Jongdae had mentioned a love square before and if Jongdae is a side, Kyungsoo is really going to feel like shit.
“Do you…” he begins and trails off. It feels too rude to just accuse Jongdae of liking him.
Turning to him with a sort of bemused expression on his face, Jongdae has his eyebrows raised and looks entirely unruffled. Upon catching the concerned and hesitant and dreading look on Kyungsoo’s face, his eyes widen and the next second he’s burst out laughing. “No,” Jongdae says between laughs. “No, Kyungsoo. Don’t flatter yourself. I’m taken.”
Eyes widening, Kyungsoo leans back to look at his smiling friend fully. “You- you’re-“
“Now we’re done talking about your feelings, can we please look at the bio homework?” Jongdae transitions with a cock of his head. “Because I seriously have no idea how I’m going to present about Yellow Fever in fifteen minutes.”
“Do you need more time?” Kyungsoo asks. Jongdae is presenting on the same day as Kyungsoo, which means if he needs more time, it’ll cut into Kyungsoo’s presentation. Kyungsoo has been having trouble fitting everything he wants into his presentation time slot as it is.
“No,” Jongdae almost whines, and then his eyes get a little gleam in them. “Think you could run over on your time a bit?”
A smile tugs at the corner of Kyungsoo’s lips. “I’ll see what I can do,” he says loftily, but smiles full when Jongdae flops on him in a bone crushing hug, gushing his thanks. “I owe you, I guess,” Kyungsoo murmurs as Jongdae wraps his arm around his middle and squeezes tight.
“That's what friends are for,” Jongdae says, finally retreating back to his own space on the couch. “That and beating your ass at video games.” He grins wide and happily.
“After homework,” Kyungsoo tells him with a smile.
“Spoil sport,” Jongdae sighs, but still is grinning. He pulls his homework into his lap and leans against Kyungsoo, the silent steady support that Kyungsoo lets himself lean back into and just feel okay.
He’s okay, and Kyungsoo is going to make everything else okay. He finally knows what he wants, and it doesn't have any other label or type or style than what his heart gives it. The heart never labels or judges, and this time, Kyungsoo knows that it’s the correct idea.
-
When Kyungsoo was finishing up his years of middle school, he decided to audition for the high school Chamber Singers. Not only was this not usually allowed, no one in years prior had really ever done it. The high school music department was well known all through the district, even the state. The Chamber Singers were very selective, the choir director very young but exceptionally talented.
It was a general rule that Chamber Singers was audition only, and no freshmen were allowed.
So when Kyungsoo advocated for himself in Ryeowook’s office, trying to persuade the crisp and clean looking man before him with a pinched proper expression, he wasn’t calm and collected. He was scared shitless.
What Kyungsoo values about himself is that while internally he could be having a mental breakdown, externally he doesn’t show it blatantly. He learned a long time ago how to keep his body and face controlled as he internally floundered, and auditioning for Ryeowook in his office had left Kyungsoo feeling jittery with nerves for hours after.
It’s something he likes to call ‘delayed anxiety’ in which he feels the true stress of the event after it occurs. Typically, Kyungsoo manages to shove down enough of his apprehension about something prior to it that while it’s actually happening, he’s relatively numb. The crashing anxiety and shaking hands and racing heart don’t set in until it’s all over, and then Kyungsoo can go and breathe heavily at a wall to calm down.
It’s because of this that Ryeowook frowns at him and clicks his tongue when Kyungsoo sings solos that should be passionate and laced with emotion. Kyungsoo is too focused on not messing up, his nerves set on lockdown, to focus on what he’s supposed to be feeling for the song. Kyungsoo can’t feel anything because when he does, it’s overwhelming and he has to sit down and be very quiet for a while to get himself back under control.
Kyungsoo doesn’t need to get ‘amped up’ for things. He needs to ‘amp down’ or else he won’t be able to get through them. So on Tuesday when he walks into the choir room with a scarf wrapped around his neck to keep out the cold, he shakes his head at Jongdae’s inquisitive stare.
“Not yet?” Jongdae asks, looking vaguely concerned over his tired.
“Today,” Kyungsoo says, and pushed down the nervous bubble in his throat. “I’m going to talk to him today. I promise.”
“You don’t have to promise me,” Jongdae says loftily. “But thanks for thinking I needed the reassurance.”
“I’m promising myself,” Kyungsoo informs him.
“Good for you,” Jongdae congratulates with a wide grin. “Doing your own pep talks all by yourself now. So cute.”
Kyungsoo almost corrects him that he’s not cute, but then Ryeowook is striding into the room, his hair parted down the middle in dramatic curtains away from his face, and singing at the top of his lungs.
Later.
Later turns into after lunch when Kyungsoo had been sat on by Yixing as Baekhyun demanded to sit with them and shoved him there. Yixing had looked apologetic and Kyungsoo had struggled for a good ten minutes with where to put his hands.
His phone had buzzed beside him and he’d opened up the message to feel his heart slam into the back of his throat.
You know, I thought it was funny once when Baekhyun called you squishy but this is just really pushing it.
When Kyungsoo looks up, Sehun is looking across the table from him with a sort of tentative apologetic smile. He has Jongin wedged on his lap and the other boy argues with Chanyeol about something to do with anime basketball boys, and Kyungsoo smiles shakily at him. He takes a deep breath.
I don’t mind if it’s you though he types back and even if Sehun has sat on his lap a hundred times, it doesn’t make his heart jump like it does now. Even if Sehun is not, in fact, sitting on Kyungsoo.
Kyungsoo watches as Sehun glances down at his phone, reads the message, and then stops chewing his sandwich. His paler cheeks flush pink and he immediately sucks his lower lip into his mouth, wiggling a bit in his seat. He must read the message about four times before he looks back up at Kyungsoo, a sort of confused conflicted smile on his face.
Kyungsoo thinks for a moment that when he watches Sehun typing on his phone for a while that the message is for him. Thus he’s confused and disappointed when all he gets back from Sehun is a simple okay before the end of lunch bell rings and they all have to leave.
Kyungsoo is barely out of the booth, having been pinned there as Baekhyun refused to stop asking Yixing about his music, when a familiar figure is striding up. He’s missed Sehun by a long shot, and frowns when Zitao demands to see him and ends up out huffing Baekhyun’s attempt at a sassy comeback.
“Don’t look at me in that tone of voice, I’m not the one propositioning two people with my bad fashion,” Zitao scoffs when Baekhyun has the courage to look affronted. “You’re wearing plaid and corduroy,” he explains at Baekhyun expression. “I have to talk to Kyungsoo.”
“Why?” Yixing is frowning, looking almost worried as he glances back at Kyungsoo.
“Because at least he dresses well,” Zitao says as if it were obvious. “I have to pick his bones.”
“Isn’t it you have a bone to pick with him?” Yixing asks, looking confused.
“No, I don’t like using linguistic devices unless I’m being romantic,” Zitao explains curtly. “I mean it in the literal sense in that if Kyungsoo doesn’t talk to me right now, I’m going to pick his bones until he gives me one.”
“That’s,” Baekhyun says slowly, observing Zitao warily. “Disconcerting.”
“Abstract,” Zitao tells him loftily. “Now move.”
Kyungsoo is going to be late for chorale. Ryeowook is going to frown at him and Jongdae is going to whisper at him for fifteen minutes while poking him in the side and yet Kyungsoo follows Zitao out of the cafeteria towards the classrooms.
“I don’t know-“ Kyungsoo begins, feeling that stagnated apprehension beginning to twine in his gut when Zitao rounds on him.
“Yes,” Zitao says sharply, glaring. “You know exactly why I’m dragging you out of your cozy little boy pile. Would you just stop already?”
Kyungsoo lets out a short hot breath. “Stop what?”
“Stop! With the whole saying shit to Sehun that you know isn’t innocent,” Zitao verbally berates. “You can’t just say stuff to him that makes him think you like him and then do a completely different thing because, you know what? He notices. He’s always noticed and you can only play with him so much before you break him and I-“
“I’m not trying to play with him!” Kyungsoo finally bursts out, interrupting Zitao as he’d begun to pace and Kyungsoo’s ears has begun to ring as Zitao’s words hit hard and angry. “I’m not trying to lead him or give him the wrong idea and-“
“Then stop doing it!” Zitao yells, glaring. “Damn me for trusting Chanyeol when he said you were going to fix it, because you know what? You didn’t! You spend one second acting like you care about him and like he means something to you and he thinks for a second that he has a chance. And then you go and let other boys kiss you and adore you and then-“
“I’m-!”
“Then when he finally decides to try to let you go so you can be fucking happy you go and drag him right back down!” Zitao’s voice cracks and he’s crying, eyes angry and Kyungsoo never realized someone could cry angry tears. Not like this.
“I’m sorry,” Kyungsoo says, and it grates from him painfully. Then his eyes are burning too and his throat hurts as it tightens. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I didn’t want to hurt him, I’ve never meant to hurt him and I don’t want to hurt him I just-“
“You just what?” Zitao snarls, showing no mercy even as Kyungsoo knows the heat on his face is because he’s actually crying. “You what, Kyungsoo?”
“I care about him too!” Kyungsoo confesses and his voice is so quiet but it’s finally out there. “I hate that I’m hurting him and I’m trying to make it better and I do want to be with him and I’m sorry. I’m sorry because I didn’t know before and it was stupid. I was stupid. All of it was stupid and Sehun is stupid too but that doesn’t mean I don’t care about him any less.”
Zitao is staring at him hard, looking guarded and skeptical. “You really care about him.”
“I’m trying to tell him that!” Kyungsoo says, and hates how on edge he feels, like he’s shaking right at the pier of a dock and can see his emotions roiling under him like the black dark depths of the ocean. “I want him to be happy and I want to be happy and I’m not trying to hurt him I’m trying to tell him I love him.”
That has his mouth snapping shut, his whole body stiffening and his eyes widening. That feels… well it sounds a bit shocking but it also feels oddly fitting even if it’s not the dramatic ‘Romeo, Romeo where for art thou Romeo’ irrational heart pounding and knees knocking…
Or maybe it is that because Kyungsoo kind of feels like he’s drowning.
Zitao is staring at him, eyes significantly wider now and his cold expression is very much dropped. He swallows, shifts his weight, and stares at Kyungsoo for a moment. Unsure as to whether he’s said the right thing or not, Kyungsoo tries to swallow down a dry throat and contend with what’s just come out of his mouth.
Now is probably not the time to question the sincerity of his feelings. Then again, the last time Kyungsoo had tried to over analyze his feelings and what they meant to someone, Sehun had told him he had no idea what he was doing.
He’s right. Kyungsoo is sixteen, in high school, and has no fucking idea what it really means to be in love probably, but this is probably the closest he’s going to get to explaining it. It feels so much like that warmth he’d felt back with Yifan, and Kyungsoo isn’t really going to devalue himself anymore just because he ‘may not know what he’s talking about.”
“You do?” Zitao asks him, and doesn’t sound so pissed anymore.
“Well, as much as any sixteen year old can be in love with someone,” Kyungsoo says, and as soon as he says it now, it feels like a huge weight is gone. Exhausted, he slumps back, feeling like his skeleton has been rearranged.
Somehow it makes breathing easier.
“Are-“ Zitao coughs lightly to clear his throat. “Are you going to tell him?”
“Yes,” Kyungsoo says firmly, pushing that firmness into himself to give him some of the strength he needs. “Once I figure out how.” When Kyungsoo looks up, Zitao is nodding, as if what Kyungsoo has said has appeased him. “Happy?”
“Yeah,” Zitao says, and smiles. It does a dramatic change to his face, making him look far less intimidating and Kyungsoo is reminded of how excited he’d been over make-up and drama. “Yeah, you’re okay. We can be friends.”
“Friends?” Kyungsoo mimics, staring at him. He still feels a bit worn out, like Zitao has just pulled out all his bones out as he’d initially threatened to do.
“Well, yeah,” Zitao says, scoffing like it had been obvious. “I mean, Sehun is my best friend, so if you’re actually going to stop smacking your two idiotic heads together and actually be in love then we’re going to have to be friends.” He is still smiling, and he looks far less offended by Kyungsoo now. Which is definitely a good sign. “So that means you can’t insult my make-up or my clothing.”
“Okay,” Kyungsoo says, still a bit shocked. “I won’t.”
“Even if they’re not ‘manly’ enough for you?” Zitao pushes, eyes narrowing again.
“Actually,” Kyungsoo says, suddenly getting an idea as he takes in the smooth lines of Zitao’s face and the smoke around his eyes. “I might ask you to help me with some.”
“Fashion?” Zitao asks, looking surprised.
“Make-up,” Kyungsoo says to clarify. “I need your help with make-up.”
Suddenly, Zitao is grinning. “Are you going to try to go for that manly kabuki style I did on Chanyeol to woo Sehun?”
“No,” Kyungsoo says, and grins himself as his mind begins working. “I need you to make me look like I’m dying.”
Zitao looks positively thrilled. “I can tell we’re going to be good friends,” he says with a purr on his tongue.
-
Homeroom on Friday morning is a strange affair. Rather than sitting with the usual crew of Chanyeol and Jongdae and his other classmates, Kyungsoo is sitting in the theater department make-up room with Chanyeol and Zitao staring at him. Chanyeol looks vaguely sick to his stomach and extremely concerned. Zitao looks about ready to jump up and down shrieking in triumph.
Overall, Kyungsoo considers both reactions to mean he looks perfect.
If that doesn’t tell him, Mrs. Kwon’s expression when he walks into the biology classroom certainly tells him. In fact, she apparently is so surprised she drops her thermos of coffee so it clangs on the floor loudly and everyone turns to stare.
At him.
Kyungsoo let’s a slow grin spread over his face.
A soft clearing of Mrs. Kwon’s throat has him looking back at her. “Kyungsoo,” she says, her voice even and strained with forced calm. “Please tell me that’s make-up and I don’t have to call 911 right now.”
“It’s make-up,” Kyungsoo assures her, gesturing to his face, neck and arms casually. He watches her swallow with difficulty. “I’ll change back into normal clothing before lunch. This is just for dramatic effect for my presentation.”
“Holy fuck!” Baekhyun exclaims when he walks in right before the bell. His eyes are huge and round, staring at him in rigid shock as Mrs. Kwon barks at him to watch his dirty mouth. “How am I supposed to watch my mouth when I’m too busy watching Kyungsoo Spawn of Death?”
“Mr. Byun kindly take your seat next to Mr. Kim and Mr. Park so we make proceed with class,” Mrs. Kwon tells him firmly before turning to Kyungsoo. “Well,” she says, taking in a deep breath. “Whenever you’re ready.”
Turning to the black board, Kyungsoo carefully writes the well known lyrics to a nursery rhyme the whole class grew up with as a game on the playground.
Ring-a- round the rosie
Pocket full of posies
Ashes! Ashes!
We all fall down!
Stepping back from the board, he places the chalk back by the board and lets the white dust linger on his hands. It blends in well with the soft coating of talc powder that stretches up his skin, littered with black and purple boils that rise from synthetic material stuck to his skin and painted to look like welts and sores.
Fingertips dipped in black ink, they look stained against his hands, and the pale yellow pallor to his skin makes him look ill and weak. His hair is unstyled and hangs about his face and he has dark circles under his eyes lined in black and lips painted cracked and white. As Kyungsoo turns to look at the class, he feels the tunic he borrowed from the theater costuming department brush against the latex protrusions that show at his neck, sticky and painted black and grotesque.
Looking at the class, Kyungsoo hands one of the girls closest to him the coat that he’d walked in with. “Pass it around,” he tells her, and she wordlessly obeys.
“Good morning,” Kyungsoo greets the class, turning on his iPod set up with a small speaker set to play ‘Scarborough Fair’ at a low volume. “Can anyone tell me what this rhyme means?”
Immediately, Chanyeol’s hand raises in the air. “It’s a nursery rhyme.”
“Can you tell me what it means?” Kyungsoo asks, and looks around the class. Mrs. Kwon is watching him with interest. “How about the first line. ‘Ring-a-round the rosie’. What might that mean?”
Silence.
Kyungsoo smiles, his eyes briefly flickering to where his coat is being passed around the room. “In the 14th century, Europe experienced one of the greatest catastrophes in human history. A simple by for a tiny flea would within days develop into a welt. The bite itself would swell, turning a bright red, and outside the welt a circle of red would appear around the welt. A ring around a rose-red welt.”
The class stares at him, the jacket slowly being passed from student to student as Kyungsoo turns to the board and writes ‘infection’ next to the first line of the rhyme. “Who can tell me about the second line?”
A hand raises, this time from Sunyoung who sits next to Jongdae. “Posies are flowers,” she says, looking hesitant. “A pocket full of flowers.”
“Right,” Kyungsoo says with a smile. “In Medieval Europe, medicine didn't accept that disease was caused by bacteria or germs. They didn’t believe in it, instead insisting that disease is from bad air or evil spirits. Doctors were just as much priests or spiritual healers, and, to try to ward of the foul stench and air that accompanied most cities and areas in the 14th century, they would carry flowers. As the death toll and putrid smell of people dying and suffering from disease spread, they would carry flowers either in their pockets or in masks over their mouth and nose to prevent the spread of the disease.”
On the board, he writes ‘disease/odor control’. “The most common herbs used at the time were parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme, which are also sacred healing herbs.”
“Didn’t they see that it didn’t work though?” Baekhyun asks out of turn, looking a bit uneasy as he watches Kyungsoo at the front of the class. “Like, people were dying and the flowers obviously didn’t help.”
“Usually by the time they realized the flowers didn’t help, they were already dead,” Kyungsoo tells him, not bothering to berate him for not raising his hand. “Next we have ‘Ashes! Ashes!’ which means-“
“Disposal,” Jongdae calls through the classroom, and Kyungsoo smiles at him.
“Right.” Kyungsoo writes ‘mass corpse burnings’ next to the line of the rhyme on the board. “Too many people were dying from the plague to dig graves, and the graves couldn’t hold all the dead. So despite how traditional burial in Europe was through graves, they burned the dead to cut down, keep the bodies from rotting, and to help try to control the disease.”
A hand raises at the back of the classroom. Kyungsoo nods to the girl. “We all fall down,” she says, sounding a bit unsettled. “We all die?”
“Exactly,” Kyungsoo says, and smiles as he leans forward to accept his coat. It’s gone all the way around the room, and he nods in thanks as Mrs. Kwon hands it to him. “We all fall down dead. Ring-a-round the Rosie is a nursery time made to reflect the Bubonic Plague which swept most of Europe and is the most devastating disease we know. It was used as a warning, a reminder, and a memento for those who died during the plague, just as I am a living replica of what someone of that time infected would look like.”
“Sick,” whispers from somewhere in the room, and Kyungsoo’s smile widens.
“Precisely,” Kyungsoo says, nodding slowly. “The plague wasn’t spread through air or by evil spirits, but by insect bites. Fleas springing from their host rats onto clothing and biting their victims. The fleas contained in their bodies the Yersinia pestis, which was the plague bacteria. When they bit their victims, they would regurgitate the bacteria directly into the wound, placing the disease into the blood of the now infected life form.”
“Life form?” repeats Sunyoung, looking pale.
“Yes,” Kyungsoo tells her, and then the class. “The plague was specifically devastating because it affected everything. Animals and humans alike. The fleas would leap between the living warm bodies and transmit the disease.” He smiles, holding up his coat. “So just simple contact with an infected person’s clothing could transmit the disease.” Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Mrs. Kwon’s widened smile, her eyes dancing in amusement.
“Congratulations,” Kyungsoo tells his second period biology class, feeling excitement swell in his chest at the shocked and paled faces all turned towards him in dead silence. “You now all have the plague.”
-
PART 8