Meanderings
Sometimes I wonder if there are some people out there who were even meant for love. I don't mean the love of family or friends, but romantic love.
I've talked about this before, and I feel so inclined to talk about it again -- there are some people out there that I totally believe are on this planet for a purpose far greater then finding love. Maybe it's that for some reason certain aspects of life hit that particular cord in them, that they don't need another soul to help them feel complete. As far back as history takes us we are forever hearing of men and women who remain abstinant for religion or spirituality -- priests do it, monks do it, nuns do it . . .
Now, I am not saying that this is necessarily the right idea -- to remain abstinant for the mere purpose of being closer to "divinty" or whatever -- but maybe, just maybe, there are people out there that chose these paths because they don't need to deal with the idea of "love" or a soul mate. Not that I don't believe true love exists, or that I don't love the idea like any other soddy female, but what if . . . just, what if . . .
I speak of this now because something inside me feels just that -- that there are things out there that catch my interests more then finding someone to live with for the rest of my life. Maybe its a cop-out because of my dreaded fear of intimacy, or maybe secretly I am a lesbian, or maybe still -- it is a fear of losing my independence.
I want to be myself -- I don't want to lose that because I find myself drowning in the life of someone else. Maybe these fears have left me cold, and closed off -- or maybe, maybe, there is something more to me than being a part of a couple. These aren't firm ideas (although sometimes they feel as such), mainly because I am too analytical to let this slide completely -- that I am merely talking from inexperience.
I don't fear sex . . . I don't fear it at all. I think it is a great gift to everyone that people are allowed to feel such a mind blotting experience as an orgasm. I think priests, nuns, monks or whatever should be able to have sex if they want to. But -- I am also a believer that sex is good -- but with someone you love, it's great. However, will I ever feel that way with someone?? Will I ever feel that close to a person that I want to share that with them? I haven't found that yet. And sometimes I fear I never will. Not that I am sad, or unhappy, merely that I am ignorant of a world I know nothing about.
Is it that I feel so much for this idea of sex and orgasm (on a spiritual level), that I trust no one else to give it to me?
Believe me -- I am not dead -- I have hormones like anybody else and sometimes I can be down right psychotic in the fact that I don't have that person. But I do what I need to do and get through it and I am not unhappy.
I want to be me. Even if I were to have a significant other, I want to live by myself right now. I want that independence, mostly because I am a solitary person, and need space in order to feel comfortable and secure. I don't want to be suffocated -- my biggest fear is of being suffocated -- smothered. Strangled to death and not being able to live my life how I want to live it.
I have had many daydreams -- dreams inwhich I am a wild horse out in the middle of the desert. I have nobody to answer too, nobody to care about -- only myself and the desert. The desert is my lover . . . the hard packed sands and the sage brush, my soul mates. Of course I need the comfort and security of my family and friends . . . I would die without that . . . but they also understand how and what I am and what I need, and they let me run to the throbbing beat of the drum that plays solely in my head -- my hooves aching, but nothing compared to the euphoric bliss that pumps through my veins from the adrenaline.
Don't look at me and feel sad. Don't feel sorry for me because of things I have yet to experience. If that moment comes, when everything seems clear, and I understand it all -- great! If not . . . know that I am not unhappy, that I loved every second of my life. That there were things out there that made me so happy to be on this planet, that the things I was not able to experience seem minor in comparison.
Maybe a soul doesn't need another half -- but picks the pieces from the nature that surrounds them.
Am I that soul?
Or am I dead?
I've talked about this before, and I feel so inclined to talk about it again -- there are some people out there that I totally believe are on this planet for a purpose far greater then finding love. Maybe it's that for some reason certain aspects of life hit that particular cord in them, that they don't need another soul to help them feel complete. As far back as history takes us we are forever hearing of men and women who remain abstinant for religion or spirituality -- priests do it, monks do it, nuns do it . . .
Now, I am not saying that this is necessarily the right idea -- to remain abstinant for the mere purpose of being closer to "divinty" or whatever -- but maybe, just maybe, there are people out there that chose these paths because they don't need to deal with the idea of "love" or a soul mate. Not that I don't believe true love exists, or that I don't love the idea like any other soddy female, but what if . . . just, what if . . .
I speak of this now because something inside me feels just that -- that there are things out there that catch my interests more then finding someone to live with for the rest of my life. Maybe its a cop-out because of my dreaded fear of intimacy, or maybe secretly I am a lesbian, or maybe still -- it is a fear of losing my independence.
I want to be myself -- I don't want to lose that because I find myself drowning in the life of someone else. Maybe these fears have left me cold, and closed off -- or maybe, maybe, there is something more to me than being a part of a couple. These aren't firm ideas (although sometimes they feel as such), mainly because I am too analytical to let this slide completely -- that I am merely talking from inexperience.
I don't fear sex . . . I don't fear it at all. I think it is a great gift to everyone that people are allowed to feel such a mind blotting experience as an orgasm. I think priests, nuns, monks or whatever should be able to have sex if they want to. But -- I am also a believer that sex is good -- but with someone you love, it's great. However, will I ever feel that way with someone?? Will I ever feel that close to a person that I want to share that with them? I haven't found that yet. And sometimes I fear I never will. Not that I am sad, or unhappy, merely that I am ignorant of a world I know nothing about.
Is it that I feel so much for this idea of sex and orgasm (on a spiritual level), that I trust no one else to give it to me?
Believe me -- I am not dead -- I have hormones like anybody else and sometimes I can be down right psychotic in the fact that I don't have that person. But I do what I need to do and get through it and I am not unhappy.
I want to be me. Even if I were to have a significant other, I want to live by myself right now. I want that independence, mostly because I am a solitary person, and need space in order to feel comfortable and secure. I don't want to be suffocated -- my biggest fear is of being suffocated -- smothered. Strangled to death and not being able to live my life how I want to live it.
I have had many daydreams -- dreams inwhich I am a wild horse out in the middle of the desert. I have nobody to answer too, nobody to care about -- only myself and the desert. The desert is my lover . . . the hard packed sands and the sage brush, my soul mates. Of course I need the comfort and security of my family and friends . . . I would die without that . . . but they also understand how and what I am and what I need, and they let me run to the throbbing beat of the drum that plays solely in my head -- my hooves aching, but nothing compared to the euphoric bliss that pumps through my veins from the adrenaline.
Don't look at me and feel sad. Don't feel sorry for me because of things I have yet to experience. If that moment comes, when everything seems clear, and I understand it all -- great! If not . . . know that I am not unhappy, that I loved every second of my life. That there were things out there that made me so happy to be on this planet, that the things I was not able to experience seem minor in comparison.
Maybe a soul doesn't need another half -- but picks the pieces from the nature that surrounds them.
Am I that soul?
Or am I dead?