The Search Continues: Sporking of a Twilight/FMA Crossover, Chapter Two
Chapter Two: exam
Alright, in the last chapter, Billy Black and Carlisle Cullen were friends, Lust appeared for no reason, and Billy made a muffin out of thin air.
While Carlisle and Billy went to get their children ready for the alchemy exam, Colonel Mustang and his partner, Riza Hawkie met up at the home of Charlie Swan. He greeted them at the door and invited them in for a drink.
That’s “Riza Hawkeye”, not “Hawkie”. Maybe I should call her “Hawkie”, though, because this version of her character does not bear much resemblance to her canon one.
"So." he said to end the awkward silence, "Roy, have you made it to the next level yet?" he asked his old friend.
Level of what? Is he playing Mario or something?
Roy sighed, "No, but I am stationed somewhere other then Central for a while."
Chief Swan laughed. "Yeah, I thought that was a good thing at one point too." he said. "Fifteen years later, I'm sure they forgot about me. Putting you position to oversee a town seems to be what the military does when they're sick of you."
They can’t forget about WHAT DOES NOT EXIST IN THEIR WORLD.
"Great," Mustang said sarcastically.
"Don't worry, sir," Hawkie said to her superior, "You can still make it to Brigade General - I know you can," She smiled.
*sigh* Again, its “Hawkeye” not “Hawkie”. I also don’t know what a “Brigade General” is. And, while the sentiment isn’t unusual for her, Riza isn’t the type to actually say that, even just with Roy. She’s more likely to say something sarcastic, like “Now that we’re out here, perhaps you will do your paperwork, sir.”
"So Charlie," Mustang said trying to get away from the subject, "How's your daughter?"
"She's good," Charlie said. "She's visiting her mom for a few weeks, and she brought that boyfriend along with her. They should be back in a few days."
I understand what the author means, but this is strangely phrased. He says that they’re visiting for a few weeks, but they’ll be back in a few days? It’s confusing. It would have made more sense to simply say that they were visiting, and would be back in a few days.
"Oh," Mustang said. "Hey, come to think of it, isn't she dating that Cullen boy?" he asked.
"Yeah." Charlie frowned.
Awesome Charlie, shine through!
"Come on, Charlie, it can't be that bad - I mean, think of it - she could choose worse guys." Mustang said.
Very true. I see what you mean, Roy. She could be dating Kimblee.
After all, we know how much she loves fucking mass murderers.
We get an abrupt change of scene as Charlie, Roy, and Riza leave. Suddenly we are with Rosalie, who…well…
She had yet to tell her father and sister that she had been practicing alchemy for the past six months. She kneeled on her floor and drew a transmutation circle on a notebook. Then she took the pencil she was using and broke it. She then set it out in front of her. She then placed both hand on the circle and transmuted the pencil back together. Yes, it worked! she thought.
See, that actually works just fine. Totally plausible with alchemy. I also like that the author is including Rosalie in this, and not just having her sit on the sidelines, but this doesn’t seem very in-character for Rosalie at the same time.
Then, after that single paragraph, we’re suddenly somewhere else.
When they got to their meeting place, Jacob and Alice were surprised to see each other.
"What are they doing here?" They asked together.
First: It should not be “what are they doing here”, because they are surprised to see each other, rather than multiple people.
Secondly, Jacob hates the vampires. Because Bella isn’t married to Edward yet, this appears to be taking place sometimes in Eclipse, so Jacob still hates the Vampires, and Alice hates the wolves right back (like all of the Cullens, in their racist glory).
Mustang sighed. "You both are taking your state alchemy exam tonight."
Alice turned towards Jake. "Don't worry," she whispered, "We both pass."
Then…why is she acting quiet and nervous? And why are they getting along? Seriously, did the author not read the Twilight series either?
This gets another point.
Canon Fail: 3
Mustang cleared his throat and they listened again. "If you pass, you will receive a state pocket watch." he said dangling his in front of them. "If you don't pass, you can take your exam again in two months. Furthermore, if you do pass, you will report directly to Chief Swan here," he said.
"Wait a minute," Alice said. "Are you an alchemist?" She asked Chief Swan.
"This is the Gun Alchemist. He is in charge of all the alchemists in this area." Mustang said.
The…Gun Alchemist? Oh lord…This is going to be bad.
"Why are you the Gun Alchemist?" Jake asked.
"Observe," Charlie said pulling out his gun. "As you can see, there is nothing in here." he said, showing the two the gun barrel. He then quickly shut it closed and fired three shots. Alice and Jacob both looked impressed.
No. Just- No.
What is the first law of alchemy? Equivalent Exchange. You CANNOT make something out of nothing. There isn’t even an array in sight!
GAH!
"This," Mustang said, pointing to Carlisle, "Is the Bone Alchemist. He can fix any broken bone. Over a couple hundred years, he's gotten good enough where he no longer needs a transmutation circle.”
THAT IS NOT HOW IT WORKS. YOU DON’T JUST GET “GOOD ENOUGH” TO NOT NEED A TRANSMUTATION CIRCLE!!! THAT ONLY HAPPENS IF YOU’VE TRIED HUMAN TRANSMUTATION AND SEEN THE “TRUTH”.
“This guy," Mustang continued pointing at Billy Black, "He's the Re-appear Alchemist. He can make anything re-appear once it is gone.”
No. You cannot be serious.
Not only is that an awful name for a State Alchemist, but it is IMPOSSIBLE.
I can’t believe that in a few sentences, we have three more points for CANON FAIL.
CANON FAIL: 6
Alice and Jacob do some Alchemy, (ones that are actually possible) and pass the exam. However, no one really inspects their work. Granted, the State Alchemy exam isn’t unbearably difficult, but they usually check the quality of the items transmuted at the very least.
"Congratulations," Mustang said. "You are now the Wolf Alchemist," He said, handing Jake a certificate. "And you are now the Seer Alchemist." he said handing a certificate to Alice. "Now then, off to Chef Swan's house to catch up!"
Ugh, what horrible names.
Also, “Chef” Swan? See, Bella, he can cook after all!
Final count:
CANON FAIL: 6
Alright, in the last chapter, Billy Black and Carlisle Cullen were friends, Lust appeared for no reason, and Billy made a muffin out of thin air.
While Carlisle and Billy went to get their children ready for the alchemy exam, Colonel Mustang and his partner, Riza Hawkie met up at the home of Charlie Swan. He greeted them at the door and invited them in for a drink.
That’s “Riza Hawkeye”, not “Hawkie”. Maybe I should call her “Hawkie”, though, because this version of her character does not bear much resemblance to her canon one.
"So." he said to end the awkward silence, "Roy, have you made it to the next level yet?" he asked his old friend.
Level of what? Is he playing Mario or something?
Roy sighed, "No, but I am stationed somewhere other then Central for a while."
Chief Swan laughed. "Yeah, I thought that was a good thing at one point too." he said. "Fifteen years later, I'm sure they forgot about me. Putting you position to oversee a town seems to be what the military does when they're sick of you."
They can’t forget about WHAT DOES NOT EXIST IN THEIR WORLD.
"Great," Mustang said sarcastically.
"Don't worry, sir," Hawkie said to her superior, "You can still make it to Brigade General - I know you can," She smiled.
*sigh* Again, its “Hawkeye” not “Hawkie”. I also don’t know what a “Brigade General” is. And, while the sentiment isn’t unusual for her, Riza isn’t the type to actually say that, even just with Roy. She’s more likely to say something sarcastic, like “Now that we’re out here, perhaps you will do your paperwork, sir.”
"So Charlie," Mustang said trying to get away from the subject, "How's your daughter?"
"She's good," Charlie said. "She's visiting her mom for a few weeks, and she brought that boyfriend along with her. They should be back in a few days."
I understand what the author means, but this is strangely phrased. He says that they’re visiting for a few weeks, but they’ll be back in a few days? It’s confusing. It would have made more sense to simply say that they were visiting, and would be back in a few days.
"Oh," Mustang said. "Hey, come to think of it, isn't she dating that Cullen boy?" he asked.
"Yeah." Charlie frowned.
Awesome Charlie, shine through!
"Come on, Charlie, it can't be that bad - I mean, think of it - she could choose worse guys." Mustang said.
Very true. I see what you mean, Roy. She could be dating Kimblee.
After all, we know how much she loves fucking mass murderers.
We get an abrupt change of scene as Charlie, Roy, and Riza leave. Suddenly we are with Rosalie, who…well…
She had yet to tell her father and sister that she had been practicing alchemy for the past six months. She kneeled on her floor and drew a transmutation circle on a notebook. Then she took the pencil she was using and broke it. She then set it out in front of her. She then placed both hand on the circle and transmuted the pencil back together. Yes, it worked! she thought.
See, that actually works just fine. Totally plausible with alchemy. I also like that the author is including Rosalie in this, and not just having her sit on the sidelines, but this doesn’t seem very in-character for Rosalie at the same time.
Then, after that single paragraph, we’re suddenly somewhere else.
When they got to their meeting place, Jacob and Alice were surprised to see each other.
"What are they doing here?" They asked together.
First: It should not be “what are they doing here”, because they are surprised to see each other, rather than multiple people.
Secondly, Jacob hates the vampires. Because Bella isn’t married to Edward yet, this appears to be taking place sometimes in Eclipse, so Jacob still hates the Vampires, and Alice hates the wolves right back (like all of the Cullens, in their racist glory).
Mustang sighed. "You both are taking your state alchemy exam tonight."
Alice turned towards Jake. "Don't worry," she whispered, "We both pass."
Then…why is she acting quiet and nervous? And why are they getting along? Seriously, did the author not read the Twilight series either?
This gets another point.
Canon Fail: 3
Mustang cleared his throat and they listened again. "If you pass, you will receive a state pocket watch." he said dangling his in front of them. "If you don't pass, you can take your exam again in two months. Furthermore, if you do pass, you will report directly to Chief Swan here," he said.
"Wait a minute," Alice said. "Are you an alchemist?" She asked Chief Swan.
"This is the Gun Alchemist. He is in charge of all the alchemists in this area." Mustang said.
The…Gun Alchemist? Oh lord…This is going to be bad.
"Why are you the Gun Alchemist?" Jake asked.
"Observe," Charlie said pulling out his gun. "As you can see, there is nothing in here." he said, showing the two the gun barrel. He then quickly shut it closed and fired three shots. Alice and Jacob both looked impressed.
No. Just- No.
What is the first law of alchemy? Equivalent Exchange. You CANNOT make something out of nothing. There isn’t even an array in sight!
GAH!
"This," Mustang said, pointing to Carlisle, "Is the Bone Alchemist. He can fix any broken bone. Over a couple hundred years, he's gotten good enough where he no longer needs a transmutation circle.”
THAT IS NOT HOW IT WORKS. YOU DON’T JUST GET “GOOD ENOUGH” TO NOT NEED A TRANSMUTATION CIRCLE!!! THAT ONLY HAPPENS IF YOU’VE TRIED HUMAN TRANSMUTATION AND SEEN THE “TRUTH”.
“This guy," Mustang continued pointing at Billy Black, "He's the Re-appear Alchemist. He can make anything re-appear once it is gone.”
No. You cannot be serious.
Not only is that an awful name for a State Alchemist, but it is IMPOSSIBLE.
I can’t believe that in a few sentences, we have three more points for CANON FAIL.
CANON FAIL: 6
Alice and Jacob do some Alchemy, (ones that are actually possible) and pass the exam. However, no one really inspects their work. Granted, the State Alchemy exam isn’t unbearably difficult, but they usually check the quality of the items transmuted at the very least.
"Congratulations," Mustang said. "You are now the Wolf Alchemist," He said, handing Jake a certificate. "And you are now the Seer Alchemist." he said handing a certificate to Alice. "Now then, off to Chef Swan's house to catch up!"
Ugh, what horrible names.
Also, “Chef” Swan? See, Bella, he can cook after all!
Final count:
CANON FAIL: 6