SLASH FIC: [Stargate: Atlantis] Kids (PG-13)
Author: Soraya
Title: Kids
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Slash, First Time
Pairing: McKay/Sheppard
Disclaimer: Not mine, Wright and Cooper own Stargate Atlantis etc.
Warnings: Implied M/M interaction
Summary: Elizabeth didn't sign up for this
In the relative peace of the city, it was almost easy to forget they were at war. Atlantis was the kind of Holy Grail that philosophers, scientists and archaeologists spent their whole lives searching for. Each day brought some new marvel as they learnt more about the Ancients' home, and despite the ever-present threat of the Wraith, Elizabeth couldn't imagine being anywhere else. She felt a sense of pride in knowing they were custodians of this great knowledge, even though much of it was beyond their grasp. But she was confident in her team's ability to pull through. After all, that was what they did day after day, living from one crisis to the next, always pulling through in the end.
And, more than anything, that kept her strong and kept her focused in the face of seemingly insurmountable odds. Because at some point, between the bustle and the noise that always seemed to pulse through Atlantis, Elizabeth had accepted she would never willingly leave. She'd grown used to the excitement of living a frontier life, the search for new power sources, new allies, sometimes finding one or the both, sometimes making new enemies to fight along the way.
What she wasn't used to was seeing her top expedition team come back through the gate fighting each other.
"What the hell is going on here?" she yelled down from the balcony.
Not one of them bothered to answer her. Their bodies had lurched into the gate-room in a tangle of arms, legs and flying fists, and as far as Elizabeth could tell, they were too focused on struggling with each other to pay much attention to anything else. She wasn't entirely surprised to see Rodney at the centre of it. Ford had him in some sort of a head lock, while it appeared like John was trying to take him down from the front with something that resembled a full-body tackle, only John couldn't quite reach because Teyla was holding onto his waist, pulling him back.
The rest of the room watched in silence, frozen at the sidelines, work forgotten. And the fighting just got dirtier and dirtier as John, Teyla, Rodney and Ford each tried to get the upper hand. By the time Elizabeth reached the gate-room floor, John had made that decisive break from Teyla. His arm flew out to snatch a brightly coloured cloth hat from inside Rodney's jacket, making Rodney howl in outrage.
"Hey, give that back!" Rodney yelled.
"Why don't you come here and make me!" John taunted him. Bouncing on his heels, he held the hat up and waved it in front of Rodney's nose in a way that even Elizabeth found mildly annoying, but which seemed to make Rodney just snap.
Launching himself forward, Rodney managed to grab hold of it. "It's mine," he snarled, tugging hard on the cloth.
"No, it's not; they gave it to *me* too," John snarled back, refusing to let go.
And they sank to the floor taking Ford and Teyla down with them, all the while pulling and fighting over the hat. Soon, they were joined by a wave of marines, who had broken from the sidelines to subdue the threat to their commanding officer. And as the pile of bodies struggling on the floor grew larger, Elizabeth knew she had to act fast before she lost complete control of the situation.
"Bates, I need you and a team of men to seal off the gate-room," she said into her headset. "No one apart from Dr. Beckett goes in or our until further notice; is that understood?"
"Yes, ma'am," Bates replied, signing off.
Elizabeth sighed grimly. Until she knew what they were up against, she didn't want anyone else near them getting infected. Tapping her headset again, she was about to advise Carson of the possible contamination when she heard Teyla calling out her name.
"Dr. Weir," Teyla said, sounding out of breath. The wave of bodies dispersed to reveal John Sheppard lying face down on the ground, hands and feet bound behind his back, with Teyla sitting on top of him.
"What the-" Elizabeth stared at both of them, eyebrows raised. "Teyla?"
"Please, Dr. Weir, I do not believe a medical lockdown will be necessary," Teyla replied, showing her uncanny perception. She nodded at Ford, who sat triumphantly on a similarly bound Rodney McKay. "We can explain."
***
"They're behaving like children."
"Yes," Teyla confirmed.
"Because, essentially, they *are* children; that's what you're telling me?"
"Only in a manner of speaking," Teyla said. She took a deep breath then she gave the mission report one more time, taking special care to enunciate all her words, her patience worn so thin it was damn near transparent.
Which was understandable, considering Teyla had explained the situation twice already, not to mention that having to handle McKay and Sheppard on a good day could try anyone's patience. Still, Elizabeth was finding it hard to come to terms with the fact that her heads of science and the military had suddenly seemingly regressed into childhood. Yet, looking at the two of them, that did seem to be a plausible explanation.
They sat at opposite ends of the situation room shooting dark looks at each other. John stuck his tongue out at Rodney, who promptly responded with a little huff before crossing his arms and sneering, somehow managing to suggest it was beneath him to do anything as childish as sticking his tongue out. Then, with casual disdain, Rodney pulled the previously contested hat from his pocket, as if to say 'oh, you don't have one of *these* do you, Major?' before using one finger to twirl it by its brim.
"And this is some sort of punishment?" Elizabeth asked, watching John then stick both thumbs in his ears and wiggle his fingers.
Teyla sighed again. "On the contrary," she replied, and there was a definite hint of frustration in the sound. "It is considered a great honour and a blessing among the Amari to reclaim one's innocence."
"An honour?" Elizabeth tore her gaze away from the deeply disturbing sight of her team leaders pulling faces at each other. "An honour, which they chose to bestow on those two?" She looked at Teyla for confirmation, then at Ford, who just shrugged helplessly.
"Indeed." Teyla nodded, moving closer. "They value their young above everything else, and Major Sheppard and Dr. McKay saved the lives of several Amari children at great risk to themselves." Gently, she laid a hand on Elizabeth's shoulder. "Dr. Weir, the Amari believe that in each of us lies the capacity for spiritual purity, and that it is something we suppress as we grow older," she continued, voice soft and reassuring. "I believe they saw within Major Sheppard and Dr. McKay the weight of great responsibility, and they wished to reward them by returning them to a time when their lives were simpler, so they could walk the path of childhood's innocence, if only for a few days."
"I see," Elizabeth murmured. Except in no way, shape or form did she get it. In fact, the whole thing made her head ache. How anyone could think it was a good idea to let John Sheppard and Rodney McKay 'walk the path of childhood's innocence' was beyond her.
***
Carson pulled off his gloves, letting them drop into the waste bin. "It's hard to be sure," he said, frowning. "You have to understand, Elizabeth, they're both exceptionally intelligent."
"I just need a rough idea of what we're dealing with here," she persisted.
"I would say somewhere between four and six years old, eight at the most," Carson replied.
Which seemed in line with the infantile behaviour, Elizabeth thought, observing Sheppard and McKay as they sat side by side on the exam table. She found it deeply disturbing to think of them this way, as anything less than her fully competent team leaders. Rodney, in particular, who in many ways would find it hardest to accept that he'd been seen by so many in such an emotionally and academically vulnerable state. John, on the other hand, was definitely the more closed off, for all his easy charm and apparent nonchalance, and Elizabeth knew the impact to his self-image would be minimal. Yet, curiously, even now he'd lost none of his focus in trying to attract Rodney's attention. She watched him inch along the table to nudge Rodney's shoulder with his own, trying to be casual about it, and she said, "Rodney seems to be the more mature-"
"Of course I am!" Rodney interrupted her in a tone full of such indignation that, for a moment, Elizabeth thought they had the real McKay back. Then he ruined it all by sticking his thumb in his mouth.
"Of course you are, Rodney," Carson agreed sarcastically. Then he drew her to one side, out of earshot. "Look, I haven't yet been able to isolate the compound that's causing this," he continued in a low voice. "So far, all I can tell you is that they're basically still the same people with most of their memories in tact. Only, with this compound in their blood streams, it's like having our John and Rodney with diminished impulse control and a four year old's sense of responsibility."
For a second, Elizabeth forgot all about maintaining her air of cool, calm authority, and she stared at Carson, wide-eyed.
"Aye, I know; those two of all people!" Carson sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. "We could just throw them in the brig-"
"Carson!"
"Just until it wears off or until I find a way to reverse it," he added.
Elizabeth shook her head. "We are not throwing Major Sheppard and Dr. McKay in the brig," she said firmly.
"You might want to reconsider," he suggested, staring over her shoulder.
And when Elizabeth turned round, she was actually tempted to follow Carson's advice. Because John was trying to shove Rodney off the exam table, and Rodney, who had managed somehow to get hold of a pair of scissors, was multitasking furiously, holding onto the table with one hand and trying to cut John's hair with the other.
"John, Rodney, stop that at once!" she yelled at them.
They stopped immediately. Then John said, "He started it," pointing the finger at Rodney.
"No, I didn't; he did!" Rodney pointed back, cheeks puffed out with anger.
"Well, you pushed me first!"
"You liar!" Rodney shrieked.
"I'm not interested in who started it!" Elizabeth snapped. Though, from the smug little smile on John's face, she was inclined to believe Rodney's story. Still, she knew couldn't afford to take any sides, so she raised a hand, saying, "I want you both to behave yourselves from now on, understood?"
Both gave her sulky, if slightly guilty nods. And Elizabeth found it immensely gratifying to discover that they still seemed to recognize her as an authority figure. That, at least, was something. But, as she turned back to Carson, she caught sight of their reflections on a mirrored wall. Rodney was mouthing words to her back with a sneer on his face, while John, ever the soldier, gave her a one-fingered salute. Then they smirked at each other.
Dear God, they were ganging up on her!
Too late, Elizabeth realized she'd ignored the cardinal rule of any hostile negotiation: remember that the enemy of an enemy makes a potential ally.
Carson patted her on the shoulder. "The brig, Elizabeth," he said. "Think about it!"
Her headache graduated to a migraine.
***
It took a lot to rattle Sergeant Bates. The man was known for his unflinching stoicism, his attention to detail and extreme paranoia; all excellent qualities for a head of security, and also the reasons why Elizabeth had assigned him to baby-sit John and Rodney. So, when she went to check up on them and she found Bates was standing guard in the situation room, looking like he would much rather be taking on a battalion of Wraith soldiers single-handed, it made her wonder what kind of torture they'd put him through.
"How are they doing?" she asked him.
Bates spared her a glance before turning back. She noticed him tightening his grip on his sidearm. "They're not fighting any more, ma'am, if that's what you mean," he replied.
"Well, that's an improvement," she said cheerfully.
Bates gave her another dark look. "I'm not sure," he said cautiously.
"You're not sure?" Bewildered, Elizabeth raised an eyebrow. "I don't understand."
"Look at them," Bates told her.
So Elizabeth did take another look, watching John and Rodney interact. And, on the surface of it, their behaviour seemed quite harmless. They sat side by side playing computer games on a borrowed laptop, heads close together so they could each see the screen. Occasionally, Rodney would throw out a taunt or John would shout in celebration at a particularly daring move, but for the most part they were quiet. No arguing, no fighting, nothing but two pseudo-rejuvenated guys enjoying each other's company; and like Bates, the longer she watched them, the more she began to find their behaviour a little unsettling.
Something about the way their heads lay together made her uneasy. Not to mention the quiet, which, ordinarily, would have been a blessing. But this was a dangerous quiet, the kind which, where four year old minds were involved, could only mean trouble. So Elizabeth decided to investigate, and she crept up on them, equally quiet herself, with Bates following close behind.
"So you can build stuff, right?" they heard John say as he tried to grab the joystick Rodney was using.
Rodney batted John's hand away. "Yes, I'm exceptionally skilled at all forms of mechanical construction," he confirmed happily. "And stop trying to distract me from beating your score; it won't work!"
"I'm not trying to distract you!" John said, sounding mildly affronted. "I was just-well, you know I like flying stuff," he added, again reaching for the joystick.
"Yes, yes, of course you do." Again, Rodney batted his hand away.
John then leaned back in his chair, staring at the ceiling as though something incredibly fascinating was happening up there. "So, maybe you could build something, then we could, uh, maybe, fly it together," he suggested very quietly.
That finally got Rodney's attention. "I thought you liked Teyla," he said, head tipped to one side, looking at John suspiciously.
"No!" John shook his head vehemently. "She's a girl; I don't like girls."
"Oh!" Rodney put the joystick down, evidently surprised.
As was Elizabeth, Bates too, if the choking sound he made was anything to go by. And she noticed that this time when John reached for the joystick, Rodney seemed happy to let him have it.
There was definitely something in the air. Elizabeth had presided over countless negotiations, enough to be acutely sensitive to the ebb and flow and subtle shifts in inter-personal dynamics, and everything about this situation screamed that something momentous was about to occur. Bates sensed it too; she could tell by the way that he suddenly froze at her side, holding his breath.
"Rodney," John continued a few seconds later.
"What?" Rodney asked.
John gave him the kind of smile that had melted the hearts of women on planets across two galaxies. "I like you a lot," he murmured, sounding shy and hopeful and radiating earnestness to the very tips of his hair.
"You do?" Rodney frowned.
"Yes!" John ducked his head, suddenly looking nervous and a little uncertain. "Actually, you're pretty much my favourite person in the whole universe," he admitted in a low voice, clearly going for the hard sell.
It seemed to be working, because Rodney shifted just that little bit closer. "I like you too," he said, sounding almost bewildered by the idea. "Even when you're being stupid or doing really, really annoying things, I still like you."
And far from being offended by that declaration of like, John seemed absolutely delighted. "Yeah?" He perked up, beaming at Rodney. And when Rodney nodded, John's smile got even brighter. "Then, you know what we should do, Rodney? We should get married!" he declared.
Elizabeth gasped. Bates immediately went for his sidearm. She flung her hand out to stop him, ignoring his expression of utter desperation. And, all the while, John and Rodney kept talking about marriage, oblivious to the struggle going on behind them.
"Why?" Rodney asked.
John let out a nervous little laugh. "Well, I like you, and you like me," he spoke slowly, as though he were explaining the concept to the terminally stupid. "And people who like each other usually get married-"
"I knew that!" Rodney huffed.
"So," John continued, sounding more confident. "Since we both like each other so much we should get married too!"
"Huh!" Rodney took some time to consider, before he shrugged and he said, "Okay, fine, that makes sense!"
"Cool!" John replied happily.
And that, it seemed, was their marriage contract signed, sealed and delivered.
Elizabeth stood there staring at them, speechless. Bates just shook his head over and over, muttering to himself: "Please, God, tell me that did not just happen!"
***
With hindsight, Elizabeth realized she should have separated John and Rodney immediately after their wedding. "What do you mean you lost them?" she asked the three-man security team squirming in her office.
"McKay said he needed to take a leak, and Major Sheppard insisted on going with him, and then they just sort of disappeared on us," Ford explained.
Elizabeth pinned him with a hard look. "All your team had to do was baby-sit them for a few hours," she said. "How hard could it be for three trained marines to guard effectively what are two four year old boys?"
"With respect, ma'am, it's Major Sheppard and Dr. McKay we're dealing with!" Ford replied, stressing their names as though that should explain it all.
Privately, Elizabeth conceded that, in many ways, it explained everything. Arguing, John and Rodney were irritating, but working together, dear *God*, they were an absolute menace! She leaned against her desk, rubbing the back of her neck. "Where are they now?" she asked Ford wearily.
"We don't know, ma'am."
"You don't know?"
"Well, it seems Dr. McKay rigged the sensors before-"
Elizabeth cut him off with a wave of her hand because, in her mind, that question had been rhetorical. "So we're without sensors, Sheppard and McKay are to blame, and you have no idea where they are. Is that everything, gentlemen?"
Ford nodded.
"Just find them," she muttered darkly.
***
Of course, things only got stranger. Atlantis seemed to be suffering from a sudden outbreak of 'ghosts in the machine'. It started with the transporters. Zelenka reported a system malfunction, which sent everything transported through them to the Southeast pier. Minutes later, Grodin reported seeing strange bird-like shapes flying across his monitor. Soon after that, the city was beset by a series of malfunctions, which, whilst non-critical, nonetheless needed to be resolved. Elizabeth had everyone she could spare trying to fix them, and she, like everyone else, was a little baffled by these system glitches.
Ironically, Dr. Kavanagh was the one to help her figure it out.
When he first stormed into her office, literally blue in the face, screaming his disgust at her lack of leadership skills and outlining the report he'd written to catalogue her growing list of incompetence, while his hands dripped blue dye onto the floor, Elizabeth got a good idea about what was causing the city's malfunctions. However, after he'd turned round to leave, she knew with absolute certainty that it was Sheppard and McKay. In fact, at that point the only thing she wasn't sure about was which one of them had cut off Kavanagh's ponytail and pinned it to his ass.
Poor impulse control indeed, Elizabeth thought, dropping her head in her hands. She could almost imagine them sneaking around Atlantis, a frightening combination of stealth, scientific genius and ATA gene, all focused on wreaking havoc. She knew they had to be found, and soon, before they did any serious damage to the city or to themselves.
***
Almost twelve hours later, Elizabeth got the call that security had found her missing team leaders. Apparently, Sheppard and McKay had doubled back to the jumper bay long after the initial search and they'd set up camp in one of the puddle-jumpers. When she got there, she found them fast asleep on the floor by the command console, bodies curled together with John's head lying on Rodney's chest.
It was a touching if slightly worrying sight. She was relieved to see they still had their clothes on, though she refused to think about why John had his hand buried down the front of Rodney's trousers, or why Rodney had evidently gone to sleep with the most ridiculous grin on his face.
Elizabeth kicked the soles of their feet, and she cleared her throat loudly. Then, when they'd woken up, she spoke to them in a soft, low voice, checking first and foremost that they were well and hadn't injured themselves in any way during their unsupervised adventures. From their lucid yet measured responses, as well as the embarrassed way they could barely meet each other's eyes, Elizabeth concluded that John and Rodney were indeed back to their former selves.
"Gentlemen, it's good to have you back!" Truthfully, she was just relieved the ordeal was finally over. "I expect to see you both in my office in an hour for a full de-brief," she added, on her way out.
"Elizabeth, did we-" John flushed, looking from Rodney to the floor strewn with empty MRE cartons, then beyond the bulkhead doors to the security team standing a discreet distance away. "Did I do anything I need to apologize for?"
She thought about the internal sensors, the transporter malfunctions, the seemingly endless hours of Celine Dion blasting through the Comm system. "How much do you remember?" she asked them.
"Just flashes, mostly," John replied, scratching his head. "After meeting the Amari, it's all kind of a blur."
"Yeah, me too!" Rodney confirmed.
Elizabeth eyed both men dispassionately. "Well, there's probably only one thing you need to know," she said. And, really, she had planned to do this much later, after they'd had some time to relax and get themselves cleaned up; but this was as good a time as any. "I've made all the arrangements for your new living arrangements. Security should be moving your belongings into your joint quarters as we speak."
Right on cue, Rodney had a minor freak out. "Whoa, whoa, whoa, why do I have to live with him?"
"Well, that is what married couples do, Rodney," Elizabeth said mildly.
"That's not funny!" he snapped.
"I agree," she told him.
After that, it was John's turn to freak out. "You're saying we got married on that planet?" he asked her, eyebrows practically shooting up into his hair.
"No, John," Elizabeth replied, giving them both what she hoped was a reassuring smile. "I'm saying you and Rodney got married right here on Atlantis." And it felt so good to be the one to break the news, so very good to watch their wide-eyed, jaw dropping, utterly horrified responses.
"That's insane!" John scratched his head again, glancing at Rodney. "I got married to him?"
"In front of witnesses, too," Elizabeth confirmed, thinking of Bates, thinking it was such a pity that he wasn't here to see this, because he deserved at least that much after all he'd been put through.
Rodney made a choking sound. "Witnesses?"
Elizabeth nodded. "Look, I don't want to go into all the details right now, as I'm sure you two have plenty to talk about," she said. "All I will say is that Major Sheppard proposed; Rodney, you accepted; and then you both just got married." She watched them both squirm, enjoying herself for the first time in days. "It was a rather brief ceremony, simple yet very moving in its own way," she continued. "It certainly brought a tear to Sergeant Bates's eye."
Neither of them said a word. And this time, Elizabeth didn't find their silence at all unsettling. "Carry on, gentlemen," she said as she walked out of the jumper.
***
Outside, crouched below the windshield, Elizabeth waited patiently. She knew she wouldn't have to wait long for the fall-out, and Rodney certainly didn't disappoint when he got started.
"Get off me!"
"Rodney-"
"Off, off, off! Now!"
"Okay! Jesus, will you just calm down!"
"No, I will not calm down. I will never calm down about the fact that you have just ruined both our lives!"
"So, this is all my fault now?"
"Yes, Major. Sorry, was I not clear on that?"
"Listen, McKay, you were there too, remember? Usually, it takes two people to screw things up."
"Oh, please! You proposed-"
"And you accepted!"
"Only after you proposed!" Rodney countered, barely missing a beat. "None of this would have happened if you hadn't proposed. Okay? Proposed!"
There was a long pause, during which Elizabeth could hear something that sounded a lot like scuffling. Then she heard a yelp, followed by a groan and yet more scuffling.
"We'll talk about this later when you're feeling more rational," John continued eventually in a voice that sounded rough and breathless.
"I'm never talking to you again," Rodney replied, sounding equally breathless.
"We'll see."
By then, John was on his way out, with Rodney following him, muttering under his breath.
And as Elizabeth watched them leave the jumper bay, she heaved another sigh of relief that things were back to normal. At least, she prayed they were. The bickering she'd heard held some alarming similarities to their more infantile arguments. Still, married or not, they deserved each other; that much was clear.
Only much later, after she'd reached her office, did it occur to her that neither one of them had mentioned getting a divorce.
The End.
Title: Kids
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Slash, First Time
Pairing: McKay/Sheppard
Disclaimer: Not mine, Wright and Cooper own Stargate Atlantis etc.
Warnings: Implied M/M interaction
Summary: Elizabeth didn't sign up for this
In the relative peace of the city, it was almost easy to forget they were at war. Atlantis was the kind of Holy Grail that philosophers, scientists and archaeologists spent their whole lives searching for. Each day brought some new marvel as they learnt more about the Ancients' home, and despite the ever-present threat of the Wraith, Elizabeth couldn't imagine being anywhere else. She felt a sense of pride in knowing they were custodians of this great knowledge, even though much of it was beyond their grasp. But she was confident in her team's ability to pull through. After all, that was what they did day after day, living from one crisis to the next, always pulling through in the end.
And, more than anything, that kept her strong and kept her focused in the face of seemingly insurmountable odds. Because at some point, between the bustle and the noise that always seemed to pulse through Atlantis, Elizabeth had accepted she would never willingly leave. She'd grown used to the excitement of living a frontier life, the search for new power sources, new allies, sometimes finding one or the both, sometimes making new enemies to fight along the way.
What she wasn't used to was seeing her top expedition team come back through the gate fighting each other.
"What the hell is going on here?" she yelled down from the balcony.
Not one of them bothered to answer her. Their bodies had lurched into the gate-room in a tangle of arms, legs and flying fists, and as far as Elizabeth could tell, they were too focused on struggling with each other to pay much attention to anything else. She wasn't entirely surprised to see Rodney at the centre of it. Ford had him in some sort of a head lock, while it appeared like John was trying to take him down from the front with something that resembled a full-body tackle, only John couldn't quite reach because Teyla was holding onto his waist, pulling him back.
The rest of the room watched in silence, frozen at the sidelines, work forgotten. And the fighting just got dirtier and dirtier as John, Teyla, Rodney and Ford each tried to get the upper hand. By the time Elizabeth reached the gate-room floor, John had made that decisive break from Teyla. His arm flew out to snatch a brightly coloured cloth hat from inside Rodney's jacket, making Rodney howl in outrage.
"Hey, give that back!" Rodney yelled.
"Why don't you come here and make me!" John taunted him. Bouncing on his heels, he held the hat up and waved it in front of Rodney's nose in a way that even Elizabeth found mildly annoying, but which seemed to make Rodney just snap.
Launching himself forward, Rodney managed to grab hold of it. "It's mine," he snarled, tugging hard on the cloth.
"No, it's not; they gave it to *me* too," John snarled back, refusing to let go.
And they sank to the floor taking Ford and Teyla down with them, all the while pulling and fighting over the hat. Soon, they were joined by a wave of marines, who had broken from the sidelines to subdue the threat to their commanding officer. And as the pile of bodies struggling on the floor grew larger, Elizabeth knew she had to act fast before she lost complete control of the situation.
"Bates, I need you and a team of men to seal off the gate-room," she said into her headset. "No one apart from Dr. Beckett goes in or our until further notice; is that understood?"
"Yes, ma'am," Bates replied, signing off.
Elizabeth sighed grimly. Until she knew what they were up against, she didn't want anyone else near them getting infected. Tapping her headset again, she was about to advise Carson of the possible contamination when she heard Teyla calling out her name.
"Dr. Weir," Teyla said, sounding out of breath. The wave of bodies dispersed to reveal John Sheppard lying face down on the ground, hands and feet bound behind his back, with Teyla sitting on top of him.
"What the-" Elizabeth stared at both of them, eyebrows raised. "Teyla?"
"Please, Dr. Weir, I do not believe a medical lockdown will be necessary," Teyla replied, showing her uncanny perception. She nodded at Ford, who sat triumphantly on a similarly bound Rodney McKay. "We can explain."
***
"They're behaving like children."
"Yes," Teyla confirmed.
"Because, essentially, they *are* children; that's what you're telling me?"
"Only in a manner of speaking," Teyla said. She took a deep breath then she gave the mission report one more time, taking special care to enunciate all her words, her patience worn so thin it was damn near transparent.
Which was understandable, considering Teyla had explained the situation twice already, not to mention that having to handle McKay and Sheppard on a good day could try anyone's patience. Still, Elizabeth was finding it hard to come to terms with the fact that her heads of science and the military had suddenly seemingly regressed into childhood. Yet, looking at the two of them, that did seem to be a plausible explanation.
They sat at opposite ends of the situation room shooting dark looks at each other. John stuck his tongue out at Rodney, who promptly responded with a little huff before crossing his arms and sneering, somehow managing to suggest it was beneath him to do anything as childish as sticking his tongue out. Then, with casual disdain, Rodney pulled the previously contested hat from his pocket, as if to say 'oh, you don't have one of *these* do you, Major?' before using one finger to twirl it by its brim.
"And this is some sort of punishment?" Elizabeth asked, watching John then stick both thumbs in his ears and wiggle his fingers.
Teyla sighed again. "On the contrary," she replied, and there was a definite hint of frustration in the sound. "It is considered a great honour and a blessing among the Amari to reclaim one's innocence."
"An honour?" Elizabeth tore her gaze away from the deeply disturbing sight of her team leaders pulling faces at each other. "An honour, which they chose to bestow on those two?" She looked at Teyla for confirmation, then at Ford, who just shrugged helplessly.
"Indeed." Teyla nodded, moving closer. "They value their young above everything else, and Major Sheppard and Dr. McKay saved the lives of several Amari children at great risk to themselves." Gently, she laid a hand on Elizabeth's shoulder. "Dr. Weir, the Amari believe that in each of us lies the capacity for spiritual purity, and that it is something we suppress as we grow older," she continued, voice soft and reassuring. "I believe they saw within Major Sheppard and Dr. McKay the weight of great responsibility, and they wished to reward them by returning them to a time when their lives were simpler, so they could walk the path of childhood's innocence, if only for a few days."
"I see," Elizabeth murmured. Except in no way, shape or form did she get it. In fact, the whole thing made her head ache. How anyone could think it was a good idea to let John Sheppard and Rodney McKay 'walk the path of childhood's innocence' was beyond her.
***
Carson pulled off his gloves, letting them drop into the waste bin. "It's hard to be sure," he said, frowning. "You have to understand, Elizabeth, they're both exceptionally intelligent."
"I just need a rough idea of what we're dealing with here," she persisted.
"I would say somewhere between four and six years old, eight at the most," Carson replied.
Which seemed in line with the infantile behaviour, Elizabeth thought, observing Sheppard and McKay as they sat side by side on the exam table. She found it deeply disturbing to think of them this way, as anything less than her fully competent team leaders. Rodney, in particular, who in many ways would find it hardest to accept that he'd been seen by so many in such an emotionally and academically vulnerable state. John, on the other hand, was definitely the more closed off, for all his easy charm and apparent nonchalance, and Elizabeth knew the impact to his self-image would be minimal. Yet, curiously, even now he'd lost none of his focus in trying to attract Rodney's attention. She watched him inch along the table to nudge Rodney's shoulder with his own, trying to be casual about it, and she said, "Rodney seems to be the more mature-"
"Of course I am!" Rodney interrupted her in a tone full of such indignation that, for a moment, Elizabeth thought they had the real McKay back. Then he ruined it all by sticking his thumb in his mouth.
"Of course you are, Rodney," Carson agreed sarcastically. Then he drew her to one side, out of earshot. "Look, I haven't yet been able to isolate the compound that's causing this," he continued in a low voice. "So far, all I can tell you is that they're basically still the same people with most of their memories in tact. Only, with this compound in their blood streams, it's like having our John and Rodney with diminished impulse control and a four year old's sense of responsibility."
For a second, Elizabeth forgot all about maintaining her air of cool, calm authority, and she stared at Carson, wide-eyed.
"Aye, I know; those two of all people!" Carson sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. "We could just throw them in the brig-"
"Carson!"
"Just until it wears off or until I find a way to reverse it," he added.
Elizabeth shook her head. "We are not throwing Major Sheppard and Dr. McKay in the brig," she said firmly.
"You might want to reconsider," he suggested, staring over her shoulder.
And when Elizabeth turned round, she was actually tempted to follow Carson's advice. Because John was trying to shove Rodney off the exam table, and Rodney, who had managed somehow to get hold of a pair of scissors, was multitasking furiously, holding onto the table with one hand and trying to cut John's hair with the other.
"John, Rodney, stop that at once!" she yelled at them.
They stopped immediately. Then John said, "He started it," pointing the finger at Rodney.
"No, I didn't; he did!" Rodney pointed back, cheeks puffed out with anger.
"Well, you pushed me first!"
"You liar!" Rodney shrieked.
"I'm not interested in who started it!" Elizabeth snapped. Though, from the smug little smile on John's face, she was inclined to believe Rodney's story. Still, she knew couldn't afford to take any sides, so she raised a hand, saying, "I want you both to behave yourselves from now on, understood?"
Both gave her sulky, if slightly guilty nods. And Elizabeth found it immensely gratifying to discover that they still seemed to recognize her as an authority figure. That, at least, was something. But, as she turned back to Carson, she caught sight of their reflections on a mirrored wall. Rodney was mouthing words to her back with a sneer on his face, while John, ever the soldier, gave her a one-fingered salute. Then they smirked at each other.
Dear God, they were ganging up on her!
Too late, Elizabeth realized she'd ignored the cardinal rule of any hostile negotiation: remember that the enemy of an enemy makes a potential ally.
Carson patted her on the shoulder. "The brig, Elizabeth," he said. "Think about it!"
Her headache graduated to a migraine.
***
It took a lot to rattle Sergeant Bates. The man was known for his unflinching stoicism, his attention to detail and extreme paranoia; all excellent qualities for a head of security, and also the reasons why Elizabeth had assigned him to baby-sit John and Rodney. So, when she went to check up on them and she found Bates was standing guard in the situation room, looking like he would much rather be taking on a battalion of Wraith soldiers single-handed, it made her wonder what kind of torture they'd put him through.
"How are they doing?" she asked him.
Bates spared her a glance before turning back. She noticed him tightening his grip on his sidearm. "They're not fighting any more, ma'am, if that's what you mean," he replied.
"Well, that's an improvement," she said cheerfully.
Bates gave her another dark look. "I'm not sure," he said cautiously.
"You're not sure?" Bewildered, Elizabeth raised an eyebrow. "I don't understand."
"Look at them," Bates told her.
So Elizabeth did take another look, watching John and Rodney interact. And, on the surface of it, their behaviour seemed quite harmless. They sat side by side playing computer games on a borrowed laptop, heads close together so they could each see the screen. Occasionally, Rodney would throw out a taunt or John would shout in celebration at a particularly daring move, but for the most part they were quiet. No arguing, no fighting, nothing but two pseudo-rejuvenated guys enjoying each other's company; and like Bates, the longer she watched them, the more she began to find their behaviour a little unsettling.
Something about the way their heads lay together made her uneasy. Not to mention the quiet, which, ordinarily, would have been a blessing. But this was a dangerous quiet, the kind which, where four year old minds were involved, could only mean trouble. So Elizabeth decided to investigate, and she crept up on them, equally quiet herself, with Bates following close behind.
"So you can build stuff, right?" they heard John say as he tried to grab the joystick Rodney was using.
Rodney batted John's hand away. "Yes, I'm exceptionally skilled at all forms of mechanical construction," he confirmed happily. "And stop trying to distract me from beating your score; it won't work!"
"I'm not trying to distract you!" John said, sounding mildly affronted. "I was just-well, you know I like flying stuff," he added, again reaching for the joystick.
"Yes, yes, of course you do." Again, Rodney batted his hand away.
John then leaned back in his chair, staring at the ceiling as though something incredibly fascinating was happening up there. "So, maybe you could build something, then we could, uh, maybe, fly it together," he suggested very quietly.
That finally got Rodney's attention. "I thought you liked Teyla," he said, head tipped to one side, looking at John suspiciously.
"No!" John shook his head vehemently. "She's a girl; I don't like girls."
"Oh!" Rodney put the joystick down, evidently surprised.
As was Elizabeth, Bates too, if the choking sound he made was anything to go by. And she noticed that this time when John reached for the joystick, Rodney seemed happy to let him have it.
There was definitely something in the air. Elizabeth had presided over countless negotiations, enough to be acutely sensitive to the ebb and flow and subtle shifts in inter-personal dynamics, and everything about this situation screamed that something momentous was about to occur. Bates sensed it too; she could tell by the way that he suddenly froze at her side, holding his breath.
"Rodney," John continued a few seconds later.
"What?" Rodney asked.
John gave him the kind of smile that had melted the hearts of women on planets across two galaxies. "I like you a lot," he murmured, sounding shy and hopeful and radiating earnestness to the very tips of his hair.
"You do?" Rodney frowned.
"Yes!" John ducked his head, suddenly looking nervous and a little uncertain. "Actually, you're pretty much my favourite person in the whole universe," he admitted in a low voice, clearly going for the hard sell.
It seemed to be working, because Rodney shifted just that little bit closer. "I like you too," he said, sounding almost bewildered by the idea. "Even when you're being stupid or doing really, really annoying things, I still like you."
And far from being offended by that declaration of like, John seemed absolutely delighted. "Yeah?" He perked up, beaming at Rodney. And when Rodney nodded, John's smile got even brighter. "Then, you know what we should do, Rodney? We should get married!" he declared.
Elizabeth gasped. Bates immediately went for his sidearm. She flung her hand out to stop him, ignoring his expression of utter desperation. And, all the while, John and Rodney kept talking about marriage, oblivious to the struggle going on behind them.
"Why?" Rodney asked.
John let out a nervous little laugh. "Well, I like you, and you like me," he spoke slowly, as though he were explaining the concept to the terminally stupid. "And people who like each other usually get married-"
"I knew that!" Rodney huffed.
"So," John continued, sounding more confident. "Since we both like each other so much we should get married too!"
"Huh!" Rodney took some time to consider, before he shrugged and he said, "Okay, fine, that makes sense!"
"Cool!" John replied happily.
And that, it seemed, was their marriage contract signed, sealed and delivered.
Elizabeth stood there staring at them, speechless. Bates just shook his head over and over, muttering to himself: "Please, God, tell me that did not just happen!"
***
With hindsight, Elizabeth realized she should have separated John and Rodney immediately after their wedding. "What do you mean you lost them?" she asked the three-man security team squirming in her office.
"McKay said he needed to take a leak, and Major Sheppard insisted on going with him, and then they just sort of disappeared on us," Ford explained.
Elizabeth pinned him with a hard look. "All your team had to do was baby-sit them for a few hours," she said. "How hard could it be for three trained marines to guard effectively what are two four year old boys?"
"With respect, ma'am, it's Major Sheppard and Dr. McKay we're dealing with!" Ford replied, stressing their names as though that should explain it all.
Privately, Elizabeth conceded that, in many ways, it explained everything. Arguing, John and Rodney were irritating, but working together, dear *God*, they were an absolute menace! She leaned against her desk, rubbing the back of her neck. "Where are they now?" she asked Ford wearily.
"We don't know, ma'am."
"You don't know?"
"Well, it seems Dr. McKay rigged the sensors before-"
Elizabeth cut him off with a wave of her hand because, in her mind, that question had been rhetorical. "So we're without sensors, Sheppard and McKay are to blame, and you have no idea where they are. Is that everything, gentlemen?"
Ford nodded.
"Just find them," she muttered darkly.
***
Of course, things only got stranger. Atlantis seemed to be suffering from a sudden outbreak of 'ghosts in the machine'. It started with the transporters. Zelenka reported a system malfunction, which sent everything transported through them to the Southeast pier. Minutes later, Grodin reported seeing strange bird-like shapes flying across his monitor. Soon after that, the city was beset by a series of malfunctions, which, whilst non-critical, nonetheless needed to be resolved. Elizabeth had everyone she could spare trying to fix them, and she, like everyone else, was a little baffled by these system glitches.
Ironically, Dr. Kavanagh was the one to help her figure it out.
When he first stormed into her office, literally blue in the face, screaming his disgust at her lack of leadership skills and outlining the report he'd written to catalogue her growing list of incompetence, while his hands dripped blue dye onto the floor, Elizabeth got a good idea about what was causing the city's malfunctions. However, after he'd turned round to leave, she knew with absolute certainty that it was Sheppard and McKay. In fact, at that point the only thing she wasn't sure about was which one of them had cut off Kavanagh's ponytail and pinned it to his ass.
Poor impulse control indeed, Elizabeth thought, dropping her head in her hands. She could almost imagine them sneaking around Atlantis, a frightening combination of stealth, scientific genius and ATA gene, all focused on wreaking havoc. She knew they had to be found, and soon, before they did any serious damage to the city or to themselves.
***
Almost twelve hours later, Elizabeth got the call that security had found her missing team leaders. Apparently, Sheppard and McKay had doubled back to the jumper bay long after the initial search and they'd set up camp in one of the puddle-jumpers. When she got there, she found them fast asleep on the floor by the command console, bodies curled together with John's head lying on Rodney's chest.
It was a touching if slightly worrying sight. She was relieved to see they still had their clothes on, though she refused to think about why John had his hand buried down the front of Rodney's trousers, or why Rodney had evidently gone to sleep with the most ridiculous grin on his face.
Elizabeth kicked the soles of their feet, and she cleared her throat loudly. Then, when they'd woken up, she spoke to them in a soft, low voice, checking first and foremost that they were well and hadn't injured themselves in any way during their unsupervised adventures. From their lucid yet measured responses, as well as the embarrassed way they could barely meet each other's eyes, Elizabeth concluded that John and Rodney were indeed back to their former selves.
"Gentlemen, it's good to have you back!" Truthfully, she was just relieved the ordeal was finally over. "I expect to see you both in my office in an hour for a full de-brief," she added, on her way out.
"Elizabeth, did we-" John flushed, looking from Rodney to the floor strewn with empty MRE cartons, then beyond the bulkhead doors to the security team standing a discreet distance away. "Did I do anything I need to apologize for?"
She thought about the internal sensors, the transporter malfunctions, the seemingly endless hours of Celine Dion blasting through the Comm system. "How much do you remember?" she asked them.
"Just flashes, mostly," John replied, scratching his head. "After meeting the Amari, it's all kind of a blur."
"Yeah, me too!" Rodney confirmed.
Elizabeth eyed both men dispassionately. "Well, there's probably only one thing you need to know," she said. And, really, she had planned to do this much later, after they'd had some time to relax and get themselves cleaned up; but this was as good a time as any. "I've made all the arrangements for your new living arrangements. Security should be moving your belongings into your joint quarters as we speak."
Right on cue, Rodney had a minor freak out. "Whoa, whoa, whoa, why do I have to live with him?"
"Well, that is what married couples do, Rodney," Elizabeth said mildly.
"That's not funny!" he snapped.
"I agree," she told him.
After that, it was John's turn to freak out. "You're saying we got married on that planet?" he asked her, eyebrows practically shooting up into his hair.
"No, John," Elizabeth replied, giving them both what she hoped was a reassuring smile. "I'm saying you and Rodney got married right here on Atlantis." And it felt so good to be the one to break the news, so very good to watch their wide-eyed, jaw dropping, utterly horrified responses.
"That's insane!" John scratched his head again, glancing at Rodney. "I got married to him?"
"In front of witnesses, too," Elizabeth confirmed, thinking of Bates, thinking it was such a pity that he wasn't here to see this, because he deserved at least that much after all he'd been put through.
Rodney made a choking sound. "Witnesses?"
Elizabeth nodded. "Look, I don't want to go into all the details right now, as I'm sure you two have plenty to talk about," she said. "All I will say is that Major Sheppard proposed; Rodney, you accepted; and then you both just got married." She watched them both squirm, enjoying herself for the first time in days. "It was a rather brief ceremony, simple yet very moving in its own way," she continued. "It certainly brought a tear to Sergeant Bates's eye."
Neither of them said a word. And this time, Elizabeth didn't find their silence at all unsettling. "Carry on, gentlemen," she said as she walked out of the jumper.
***
Outside, crouched below the windshield, Elizabeth waited patiently. She knew she wouldn't have to wait long for the fall-out, and Rodney certainly didn't disappoint when he got started.
"Get off me!"
"Rodney-"
"Off, off, off! Now!"
"Okay! Jesus, will you just calm down!"
"No, I will not calm down. I will never calm down about the fact that you have just ruined both our lives!"
"So, this is all my fault now?"
"Yes, Major. Sorry, was I not clear on that?"
"Listen, McKay, you were there too, remember? Usually, it takes two people to screw things up."
"Oh, please! You proposed-"
"And you accepted!"
"Only after you proposed!" Rodney countered, barely missing a beat. "None of this would have happened if you hadn't proposed. Okay? Proposed!"
There was a long pause, during which Elizabeth could hear something that sounded a lot like scuffling. Then she heard a yelp, followed by a groan and yet more scuffling.
"We'll talk about this later when you're feeling more rational," John continued eventually in a voice that sounded rough and breathless.
"I'm never talking to you again," Rodney replied, sounding equally breathless.
"We'll see."
By then, John was on his way out, with Rodney following him, muttering under his breath.
And as Elizabeth watched them leave the jumper bay, she heaved another sigh of relief that things were back to normal. At least, she prayed they were. The bickering she'd heard held some alarming similarities to their more infantile arguments. Still, married or not, they deserved each other; that much was clear.
Only much later, after she'd reached her office, did it occur to her that neither one of them had mentioned getting a divorce.
The End.