Maybe I'm just a poetry idiot, and maybe it's LJ's default formatting (which would normally be okay, but the short/cresting lines vs longlonglong lines are kind of disconcerting; feels like I have to stretch my eyes for the longlonglong parts), and maybe I'm just tired and sleepy, but I'd be more comfortable reading this as prose. I do like the voice here, and I do like what the persona is trying to say, even though I'm not very familiar with all the allusions. XD
I decided to make this a poem because it is meant to be read aloud, in a sense, and because I was trying to bring rhythm into it. xD Do you think I should chop up the sentences? Because of I sort of like the rhythm like this xD
...OK, I DID NOT KNOW ABOUT THE READING-ALOUD PART. But I've read transcripts of slam poetry written in paragraphs, and somehow I could still get the rhythm from those. I don't know why I'm saying that. I don't think chopping up the sentences is the answer, it's just that my desktop screen resolution is 1440 x 900... So the unbroken lines are really long, which is jarring in contrast to the, uhm, shorter lines (I'M NOT VERY ELOQUENT). Which is more of a technical/web/screen issue than an issue about how it's written. XD I honestly don't know understand the mechanics of poetry enough to give any advice, I'M SORRYYYY. So it's better to trust your opinion on this. Although... any chance I can hear a recording? :D
Oh my god now I realize that it IS jarring. I'm working on a notebook right now so the screen is much, much smaller. Not just that, I like resizing my windows and making them tinier. I totally see what you mean. Thanks so much for the heads-up!
I actually said the words aloud before writing them on paper...something like a speech I wanted to say, or things I've said casually to friends. xD
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Thanks so much for your concrit hon ♥
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I actually said the words aloud before writing them on paper...something like a speech I wanted to say, or things I've said casually to friends. xD
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