Rising from the dust...
February 18. Already one more year. I don't feel that different, but I suppose if I think about it, I have changed a lot here. I had a great birthday, after going to chemistry and math. It was beautiful outside, Fan completely surprised me with roses, and my parents honestly went insane with presents. I would have been so happy (easily amused person) with just any one of the things they sent me (for example, a fuzzy purple pillow now named "Princess Tootsie Funky Fresh" aka "Ciara")! Anyway, there was carrot cake, and I cleaned my room, and our room was full of flowers from Valentine's day! It really reminded me of open-house time. I wish I had taken pictures of those flowers. Flowers just make me happy, even though they're so ephemeral. I think that's even part of the reason I love them so much, because you can't preserve them, or hold onto them, and they just pass in the moment. You just have to stop trying and appreciate them for the present.
It was great talking to people on the phone that I havn't talked to for a while (particularly, the screaming/giggling session that Tingting, Jessica, and Deepa beamed over to me). In the evening, Wilbur all-frosh dorms had their Screw your Roommate dance (awkward!!!) after which, I brought my date to Jammix. My date was really old (26), which was, needless to say, really awkward. Having him around (of no fault of his own) kind of ruined Jammix. On the other hand, while he isn't a terrible person, of fault of his own (being really really insistent), the night was kind of traumatizing. I suppose it's my bad for being too nice, and after talking to Nelson, perhaps I was leading him on by doing so.
There have been so many shows and events to go to lately, it's difficult to choose between them. The Friday before SYR, Mixed Co's Love Sucks show and my piano teacher's recital (which was amazing) were at the same time, so I went to half and half, bummed that I had missed my teacher's Liszt. Thursday, a week before that (I think), Shivan had his Stanford debut, playing piano and singing at the Coho. Happy Birthday to Shivan!
And, to emphasize how long it's been since I last updated, yesterday, March 1st, was my roommate's birthday. Yay Carolyn!!
I was on my way to the Stanford Shopping Center yesterday when I found really really pretty wildflowers (I braked on my bike really fast to take pictures, and kept finding more and more flowers). I thought it'd be cuter then buying something, so I picked a bunch for Carolyn. They actually look really cute - I'm so proud!! (Think back to when you brought your mom a dandelion when you were little... but don't think about tulips. *shudder*)
A paper, problem set, and chem midterm (turned out OK) all on Wednesday brought us to the next weekend, Parents Weekend. Now, that was honestly rather depressing. I don't mind that my parents didn't know/come, but the dorm was so incredibly quiet!!
However, Jin, Priyanka, and I did go see Twelfth Night, which was hilarious, and on Sunday, Amin in the first act of Chevhov's The Seagull.
The privacy of the weekend led to some further troubles, though...
I've always been a very emotional person - which I see as very bad, but I suppose is not so terrible. At Stanford, though, I've been fairly frigid. Physically (esp. after IHUM. I think it disgusted the sick mind out of me), but more important, psychologically. I just don't like people, and I don't want to, and I don't care. But these last few weeks have opened that up again, and pulled me into the storm of actually caring and dealing with emotions, my own and of other people's. What I really hate is how, once you let emotions into the scene, you reach ridiculous highs and feel uplifted over the smallest, simpliest things, just being with someone, but at the same time, without the barrier of indifference, devotion is vulnerability. Emotions are such a hassle and frustration, to be so easily hurt, so easily cheered. To like someone, to care is to give them yourself. I don't mean in the way that you'd do anything for them, and die for them. I mean in the way that you're giving them control over how you feel day by day, moment by moment. I don't want to deal with drama, or feeling like shit for a day, or not being able to concentrate on a problem set, because of somebody else. I don't know if its worth it, especially if other people don't realize what they say and do matters. This isn't just a specific case: I feel like in general, emotions are troublesome. They're also, from a rational standpoint, unnecessary. I don't need to deal with them now, because there are other things to focus on. Sure, I could feel bad about a midterm - something justified. Yet, something so unimportant as emotions dominates everything. The emotional effects of a test pale in comparison.
Another problem, other than this vulnerability, and the drama that I really want to avoid (so I'm going to try a fresh start again), is that I tend to fully devote myself to everything I do, whether it's devotion to a person or activity. People who know me well know this - and this may just be an incompatibility issue. I go full-tilt, or not at all. If you don't care about something enough to do it more than half-heartedly, is it worth it at all? I don't think I can just stay in between.
Incidental amusement for those who know me even better:
I quote, "People who bite are just weird. Why would you want someone to bite you? I don't understand! Ugh!"
I didn't respond.
I love the flowers around campus all year long.
I spent the weekend working on this 6''x15.75'' glass/magazines/acrylic/spraypaint mosaic for my introsem:
Unlike Cage, I used chance for the intent of self-expression, exploring the idea and process of creation and memory.
Our prepared piano for "The Bible Without God":
And can you believe it? Lake Lag actually exists now!! It's so beautiful!
More flowers!
