(no subject)
Saturday brought some unpleasant reminders in regard to why I have made some of the decisions I've made in the last year or so. Common sense would tell me just to let it slide, I'm going to rant anyhow...this is one of my lessons.
In our inner circle, there seemed to be some consistent behavior from a particular individual that became pretty clear about a year ago. It usually centered around so-and-so coming to say that another so-and-so said blah, blah, blah. ad nauseum. This usually resulted in my picking up the phone and calling the other so-and-so and asking; "hey, I'm a little confused and I need your help, please help me understand this or that thing, do you really say X"? For awhile, things would seem ok and then the whole cycle would start again. These instances were not limited to the local body and similar stuff crept in from other places too.
After several years, yes years, of dealing with on again off again bullshit, I decided I needed to cut some stuff loose and I did. Since that time, my life has become so much mellower and peaceful and happy. As a result, emotional politics are something that I prefer to walk away from. It makes things so much easier.
So on Saturday, one of the people I cut loose from my immediate sphere was at the same place I was at. During the course of the evening they stated that they wanted to fix things, mend fences, resolve some issues. Well, I've been there, done that, more than once with the individual and their significant other, so I was more than hesitant. But I listened and I was honest with what I felt and why I felt that way. Then suddenly this person says - "well this is all so-and-so's fault, they've been the one to have caused these problems, yadda, yadda, yadda."
WTF?! Now you have to understand that this newly blamed individual stood in front of me in the face of all sorts of controversy and said - "I love those kids, it if comes down to a choice between being friends with them or 'this other stuff', my choice is them." Cool, I respect a person that knows where they stand. Yet here I was, listening to one of those 'kids', point the finger at him over choices they made.
Was I baffled? No not really and that is the point. The behavior has become so predictable, I actually forecast it almost a year ago. I stated something to the effect that with person Y out of the picture, person E will be next. I hate being right. Please, please prove me wrong. Fuckity, fuck.
Later, another one of the "bailers when the shit got deep" told me; "oh there are so many of us that appreciate you and D so much. If it weren't for you AAO would have never survived all the bullshit, we so appreciate you doing what we didn't/wouldn't do."
Ok. I'd like to be appreciative of that comment. I tried to be, but the truth is that I did not appreciate it. As a matter of fact I am mostly pissed-off by it. Here is why - D and I don't want to be the people who make it happen for everyone else, we don't want to take care of all the shit. We do want to be associated with like-minded individuals, intelligent meaningful folk, who are doing something or like maybe - magick. People who can keep going when the going gets tough. We have some people like that in our lives, they have been there for a very long time. True, it is a smaller group, but I know I can count on them and they know they can count on me.
It is like joining the army for the education benefits and then being indignant about being expected to do battle. Like our soldiers we don't always get to pick our battles, sometimes they pick us.
I don't want to be around people who treat other people like shit when it suits them. I don't want to be around people who treat people who have been more than kind to them, badly - and I really don't care what your reason is.
Awhile back I commented elsewhere that I've learned that holding people to my expectations results in much hurt and disappointment. I try not to do this anymore. There is a caveat that I didn't mention before - if you don't meet my expectations, I may not hold it against you, but you don't get to be close to me if that is the case. That might be ok with you and it should be.
So, when the shit got deep, if you weren't there with a shovel helping to clean up the mess, don't tell me that you appreciate me dealing with your share. You sure as fuck were around my coffee table when the room was bright and cheery, free of shit. Then you baled when it got tough. Not just you, but several of you. So don't blow smoke up my ass and tell me how much you "appreciate" me. You haven't been around to appreciate a damn thing. It is not that I don't love you, I do, but I have zero room for wishy-washy bullshit these days. If you can't roll up your sleeves when the going gets tough, then please don't tell me how much you appreciate me cleaning up the shit - without you.
I was trying to remember the words to an Ani DiFranco song - here they are:
"some chick says
thank you for saying all the things i never do
i say you know the thanks i get
is to take all the shit for you
it's nice that you listen
it'd be nicer if you joined in..."
So in one night I am reminded that the choices that I made last year were good ones. So the next time you see me and feel like you need some sort of resolution about what has happened between us, please know that I am resolved and I didn't need you to get there and you don't need me to find your's.