temporary insanity
temporary insanity
otempora01, rated PG for lots of kissing.
Twilight, Jacob/Bella, Edward/Bree, post-Eclipse.
In the end, Bella had no one to blame for herself when she and Edward fell out of love with each other.
Complete, 4,753 words.
So till the morning breaks go and make your mistakes
Don’t be surprised if your heart hurts
Life’s for the living, the forgiven, and for leaving town alive
-Leaving Town Alive by Bethany Joy Lenz
She should have seen it when Edward nearly broke his neck to get between Felix and Bree before Jane even finished turning away.
She should have, but she didn’t. She remembered feeling relieved, feeling proud that Edward, her Edward, would endanger himself to save newborn. To give her a chance to do better. Hell, she even went to stand with him, with Carlisle and Esme and Jasper and Alice and Rosalie and Emmett as they formed a unified wall between Jane, Felix, and Bree.
Jane was displeased, but Carlisle, as diplomatic as ever, reiterated that they would take full responsibility for Bree’s actions. That if she slipped, the Volturi could do with her as they wished. There was underlying threat of violence if Jane tried to take Bree now, but that was something everyone wanted to avoid.
Jane’s mouth was a thin line when she’d left, but she did leave and then Edward dragged Bella against his side just as Bree’s arm shot out to grab her.
His voice was cold as he said, “Rule number one: Don’t eat Bella or you will wish we had let Felix deal with you. Do you understand?”
Bree nodded and buried her head in her hands with a pitiful whimper that made Bella’s heart go out to her despite the fact that Bree almost made a late dinner out of her. She looked up at Edward, but his eyes were trained on Bree, and she really should have seen it then.
It would have been easier if she had.
* * *
It’s just like when Edward left her, except worse and better. She hears Jacob’s voice in her mind, not when she’s dangerously close to serious injury, but when she’s content. When she’s happy. When she’s amused. When she’s breathing.
Alice, face buried in the guest list, swerves to avoid an open door and crashes into Rosalie without either of them being disturbed or pausing in their walks toward opposite ends of the hall. Bella, observing from the doorway, hides a smile and hears Jacob’s voice say dryly, If they fell face first into the sidewalk, they’d probably dent the concrete.
Bella’s shoulders tense as she realizes what is happening and she turns away from them to look at Edward, feigning sleep in the large bed. His lips quirk into that crooked smile she loves so much and he pats the space on the bed next to him without opening his eyes.
I’m oddly reminded of a spider in its web, Jacob continues as though he isn’t a figment of her overactive imagination. Be sure he doesn’t inject you with poison, tie you to that bed, and suck you dry. A sarcastic gasp. Hey, wait a minute…
Shut up, she thinks viciously, hating the part of her that wants to smile. It’s not like that and you know it. Flies don’t care for spiders.
Flies are highly intelligent creatures.
“Bella?”
She realizes that Edward has been trying to get her attention for quite some time and flushes guiltily. “Sorry. I was… thinking…”
He sits up and she knows before he even opens his mouth that he is about to ask. She steps back. “I’ll join you later. I’m just going to make sure Alice isn’t inviting half the town first.”
She turns around before she can see his face fall and leaves, hearing Jacob chuckling quietly in her ear and hating herself for missing him.
* * *
Bree takes a liking to Edward which is understandable, all things considered. He spoke in her defense, after all, risked himself to save her when everyone else had been ready to turn away. She always sits a little straighter when he enters the room and listens to him before anyone else. It seems only logical that Edward be the one to help her through her bloodlust.
Maybe she should have known then.
Bella becomes used to dropping by the Cullens’ to hear that Edward has taken Bree hunting or to see Edward descending the stairs with Bree hot on his heels. Bree’s reaction to Bella continues to range from hostile to really hostile, depending on whether or not she’s fed, but Bree never outright attacks her. There is nothing in her eyes to suggest she doesn’t want to, but she hasn’t and that’s what matters.
Meanwhile, Jacob never leaves her alone. Alice asks her what color she wants the bridesmaids’ dresses to be, Bella rests her head on the table as Jacob says, Blue. You like blue. Alice asks her how many layers the cake should be, Bella closes her eyes and tries to ignore Jacob whispering, Go for thirteen. This wedding is doomed anyway.
Alice eventually learns to stop asking and Bella eventually learns to stop trying to tune Jacob out. She wasn’t able to do it when he was around. She has no idea what she’s thinking trying to do it when he and her thoughts seem to be peacefully coexisting.
* * *
Bree is sitting on the counter when Bella walks into the kitchen. Her nostrils flare, but otherwise she gives no indication that she notices Bella standing there at all. Bella glances around, expecting Edward and surprised to see the kitchen empty.
“Where’s Edward?” she asks, excited at the prospect of spending some actual time with him. Nothing quiets the nagging voices in her mind better than the touch of his lips.
“He went out to buy me a hat,” Bree says airily. “Or a dead deer. One or the other.”
“I can certainly see how the two could be easily confused.”
Bree eyes her for a moment, then lifts her chin. “If you keep making yourself so obvious, he’s going to find out. You need to hide your thoughts better.”
For one wild moment, Bella thinks that Bree has been endowed with the mind-reading ability, too, one more intense than Edward‘s that allows her to get inside even Bella’s head. The thought terrifies her.
“Um,” she says intelligently. “What?”
Instead of answering, Bree eyes her again and says, “Seriously, what are you, like, seventeen and getting married? Are you pregnant or something?”
Bella flinches away from the word marriage, trying to hide it by coughing. Where is there a rule that says that only works for laughs? Bree isn’t fooled, however. She smirks.
“How are you supposed to get married if you can’t even stand to hear me say it?” she asks. “If I were a centuries-old undead vampire, I’d want to marry somebody who wanted me, not the undead part.”
“I want-”
“That’s not what I heard,” Bree jumps off the counter, walking as close to Bella as she can stand. There’s a good five yards separating them. “You hear a lot when you bother to listen, even when no one’s saying anything.”
She glides out of the room like a graceful assassin out for her next kill. Obviously she is off to crush someone else’s spirits.
As if her misery isn’t complete enough, Jacob’s voice surfaces in her head, inexplicably amused, I’d like her if she wasn’t dying to eat you. Ha-ha. Dying. Get it?
Bella falls into a chair and groans.
* * *
Sometimes, Bella gets a little desperate. The only time her internal Jacob is quiet is when she’s talking about the real Jacob. She pumps Charlie for information.
“How is he?”
“Where is he?”
“Is Jacob okay?”
One day, Charlie tells her that he isn’t quite sure. The last time he checked in with the Blacks, Billy told him that Jacob went on an extended vacation. By which Billy meant that Jacob ran off without telling anyone where he was going. Billy hasn’t told Charlie why, but it isn’t that hard for Bella to figure out.
The world tilts on its axis for a long, long moment. “Jacob’s… run away?” Her voice sounds small and confused.
Charlie’s eyes widen as though he can sense that she’s seconds away from another irrationally long breakdown.
“Run away is the wrong way to put it,” he says quickly and very unconvincingly. “It’s a vacation, Bells. I’m sure he’ll be back in time for your,” Charlie spits out the word like it’s poison. “Wedding.”
Bella turns so he won’t see her flinch. No need to give him another reason to disapprove or think that Edward is forcing her into this. “I’m not a child, Charlie. You don’t have to lie to make me feel better.”
Tell that to Cullen, Jacob almost seems to whisper in her ear and Bella’s eyes sting with the tears she swore to herself wouldn’t fall again.
Where’d you go? she asks as though he can answer her.
He doesn’t.
* * *
She catches Edward-literally-in his bedroom, slipping in and locking the door behind her before Bree can pop out of nowhere as she’s gotten in the habit of doing lately. Edward’s reading a book (The Taming of the Shrew. How appropriate, she thinks), spread out on his stomach on the bed and completely absorbed. Her heart instinctively skips a beat at the sight of his perfect face before his features morph into those of Jacob and her heart skips another beat for an entirely different reason.
Her gasp makes him look up. He smiles her favorite smile. “Bella. I’d been longing to see you again.”
“Jacob ran away,” she says, then has to fight the urge to clap her hands over her mouth. What is wrong with her? She’d been intending to keep that a secret. However, once she’s started, she can’t stop. “Charlie told me. He’s-he’s gone, Edward.”
Edward’s lips curve in the other direction. “I had hoped he’d take things with more… dignity.”
“What things?” she asks, shoving down the feeling pooling in her gut. She didn’t expect Edward to be anywhere near as upset about this as she is, but some concern wouldn’t have been unwelcome.
Edward glances at her, then almost immediately looks away. For a moment he looks as though he’s going to return to his book, but then he says, “I sent him an invitation to the wedding.”
His eyes are as wide as hers. Obviously, he hadn’t meant to tell her.
“You what?”
“Bree,” he says coldly.
Bella hears a giggle and the sound of fading footsteps, but her world has reduced to Jacob-poor Jacob-and Edward who just had to spite him one last time.
“Why would you do that, Edward?” she whispers, trying to keep her voice steady. “I thought you were the mature one in this. Why did you have to throw our engagement in his face?”
Edward looks stunned. “Bella, you know very well I would never-”
“You’re a guy,” she says impatiently. “Of course you would.”
“The only reason I sent him the invitation was because, were I in his place, I would have at least liked the option.” He lowers his gaze and voice. “I just wanted him to see that you still cared enough to want him there on what I hope will be one of the best days of your life. I didn’t intend for him to run away.”
“You also didn’t intend to tell me until, what, he showed up?” She can’t even pretend to be calm anymore. She’s so angry, she feels like throwing things. “Now he’s missing and it’s all-” Bella stops, words clogging in her throat as she realizes the horrible truth. “This is all my fault.”
Edward is at her side in seconds, pulling her against his ice cold chest. “What could you have done, Bella? I shouldn’t have sent the invitation, but you are not to blame here.”
For once, Bella isn’t comforted. She pushes away from him with only a slight twinge of guilt. “I need air,” she says, unlocking the door and pulling it open. She doesn’t look back at Edward for fear that the sight of his face will make her go crawling back into his arms so he can hold her while she cries. She may have cried for Jacob, but she owes it to Edward not to cry for Jacob in front of him again.
Bree’s leaning against the wall by the bedroom door when she exits, the corners of her lips curled upward. Bella meets her gaze until her vision starts to blur and then she runs downstairs. She barely manages to make it to the yard before she collapses.
* * *
Edward wisely avoids her for awhile which has the unfortunate side effect of him spending that time with Bree. Bella’s always felt like she was intruding in this world of beautiful immortals and that’s never more true then when she walks into the kitchen and sees Edward and Bree discussing the merits of American literature versus British literature and it’s influences there from.
At least, that’s the general gist of the conversation she interrupts with her presence and it makes Bella long for the days when she and Edward used to sit and discuss literature. Just... not enough to talk to him.
Bree talks about all sorts of things with Edward, Bella learns from Emmett and Rosalie and Jasper since Alice is too busy planning the wedding. Rosalie overhears them talking about Mozart in the bathroom while Bree is doing her makeup and Edward’s watching her do her makeup. Emmett sees them outside playing Hide and Seek by running full-force through the woods until they inevitably slam into each other, which is apparently a hilarious occasion. Jasper catches them sitting on the roof at midnight, identifying constellations and impressing one another with the mythological background of each.
To Bella, it sounds a lot like going to school or spending eternity in a library, but it could be she’s a little jealous.
“I’m not joking,” she hears Bree saying as she passes the piano room. “I really think it contained poignant social commentary about our life and times. Or mine at least.”
She hears Edward laugh like this is the funniest thing he’s ever heard. “It’s Peanuts. It’s entitled Peanuts and it’s about a slightly bald child who never ages and never learns to stop trusting that unsavory Lucy Van Pelt.”
“As a side note, she’s my favorite character, so bite your tongue,” Bree says snootily. “I prefer the term ‘wily’.”
“You also prefer Seinfeld to Frasier, so how am I to trust your opinion?”
Bella only realizes she’s blatantly eavesdropping when Rosalie passes and raises an eyebrow at her.
“That’s terribly impolite, Bella,” she says although something in her eyes says she doesn’t blame Bella a bit. She watches Bella shift guiltily for a moment, then relents. “They’ve been at it all day. Edward’s trying to teach her how to play.”
Bella swallows around a lump in her throat. “I see.”
So do I, Jacob offers sympathetically. Perhaps werewolves aren’t the only ones who can imprint.
“I should go home,” she says and does.
* * *
Bella doesn’t visit the Cullens for a week. Alice calls, asking how many members of her family are coming to the wedding and also when she’s coming by the house again. She sounds desperate, almost pleading, and Bella thinks she knows what’s going on better than anyone else. She lies and says she has homework just to get off the phone.
When she drops by Friday, Bree and Edward (and Emmett and Carlisle) have gone hunting. Esme sees her sulking and pulls her into a hug.
“Edward loves you,” she says warmly, like she believes it. “That won’t change.”
But the way he loves me can, Bella thinks, trying to muster up the energy to smile.
“Jacob ran away,” she says because it’s been almost a month and there’s been no word of him that Charlie’s heard.
Esme, at least, pretends to care. “I’m sorry, Bella.”
“Yeah,” she takes a shaky breath. “Me, too.”
* * *
On Saturday, the phone rings. Bella knows who it is before she even answers it and she rushes to speak before he hangs up. “Jake?” Instead of the unforgiving dial tone, she hears a long sigh. Her heart clenches in her chest. “Jake, please. Say something.”
“Something,” she says with him, smiling. It’s unfamiliar and a little weak, but it’s still a smile.
Jake laughs on the other end, sounding equally weak. “I’m not supposed to be talking to you. I’m supposed to breathe heavily into the phone for a second or two and then hang up before Police Chief Swan can trace the call.”
“I think Edward’s falling in love with another girl,” she blurts out before she can stop herself.
It’s the wrong thing to say. Jacob inhales sharply, then growls, “Bye, Bella,” and hangs up the phone.
Bella cradles it to her ear for a long while after he hangs up, hoping she just imagined herself being that stupid. She only hangs up when the female automated voice begins to instruct her on how to make a call.
* * *
Bree’s sitting on the front steps when Bella arrives, unsure why she even bothers to go anymore. Edward hasn’t asked for her and the other Cullens simply give her looks of pity or indifference. She expects to feel angry or upset, but she just feels numb. She thought heartbreak was supposed to hurt, but knowing Edward isn’t in love with her just makes her feel dead.
“Hi,” Bree says cheerfully, inching away from Bella as Bella passes her on the stairs. “Our boy’s upstairs changing. If you hurry, you can catch him before we go shopping.”
Bella feels a twinge of annoyance that Bree can stand to be so happy when she is so miserable, but she just walks into the house and up to Edward’s room for the last time. She sees Alice on the way. She’s clutching yards of frilly, white material and crying.
Alice looks up as she passes and breaks into a fresh new wave of tears. “…matches your complexion…” Bella hears between sobs. She thinks that perhaps she isn’t the person most upset by all this.
She pushes open the door in time to see Edward buttoning up a white shirt, the glimpse of his chest enough to make her heart race again. She’ll always find him beautiful because he’ll always be gorgeous. He deserves someone as gorgeous as him, someone who isn’t weak and plain and half in love with someone else. He deserves someone who isn’t her and Bree seems more than willing to fill her role.
He finishes buttoning his shirt and notices her standing there, expression unreadable. “Bella.”
“It’s okay,” she says, clenching her hands behind her back. “I’d tell Alice to call off the wedding, but I’m pretty sure she already knows.”
“Bella,” he says, warmth creeping into his tone. “Bella, I-”
“Love me. I know.” This really shouldn’t be so hard, she thinks, digging her nails into her palms. “I love you, too, Edward. Always.”
He looks away, buttoning his cufflinks as he tries to think of something to say. Bella’s unbelievably grateful that her mental Jacob has decided to stay quiet for once. She isn’t quite sure she can handle it alone, but she would break down completely if Jacob was with her in any form.
“There’s something you should know,” he says at last, stepping toward her. Bella presses herself against the door and he stops. She couldn’t stand it if he touched her now. “About Bree. Her ability… when she was human, she was good at seeing through people and now,” he smiles wryly, but there’s a fondness there Bella doesn’t remember seeing before. “Now she can force people to spill their inner most thoughts and desires. Secrets mean nothing to her.” He meets her eyes. “Do you understand?”
Bella begins to shake her head, then remembers telling Edward about Jacob and hearing Edward tell her about the invitation and the smug look on Bree’s face when Bella had found her outside. The way he’d coldly said her name.
Edward sighs. “She isn’t hesitant to use her gift to get what she wants.”
Bella expects the anger to come now, in a huge, sweeping wave that makes her see red and turn murderous. It doesn’t. She still feels nothing. “Better she did it before the…” she winces. “Wedding than after.”
“Surely you aren’t suggesting I thank her,” Edward asks with a raised eyebrow.
“She saved us from a messy divorce made even messier from the fact that I’d have a strong desire for human blood. Imagine how hard it would be to entertain company.”
Edward smiles, but Bella’s heart has had enough. She unclenches her hands and tugs the door open. “Goodbye, Edward.”
“I paid your way through Dartmouth,” he says softly, as she’s leaving. “I know you hate gifts, but understand that I feel horribly, Bella. Please let me do this for you.”
It’s on her tongue to say that she’s not his pity project, but then she realizes that the University of Alaska thing just isn’t happening and she’ll be expected to go to college whether or not she leaves town with the Cullens. She nods and leaves.
Alice is no longer in the hallway, but Bree is still on the front steps.
“I never hated you, Bella,” she stretches her arms over her head and stares up at the overcast sky. “I was jealous of you, but I never hated you. I hope things work out with you and your wolf boy.”
“I don’t…” Bella begins, a denial on her tongue and a burning in her chest, then presses her lips together and nods. “Thank you.” She hesitates. “For everything. And… I hope things work out for you, too.”
“Alaska,” Bree muses. “No humans around for miles. It’ll be great.” She smiles a rare, genuine smile. “Maybe I’ll come back and see you once I get myself under control. Maybe one day I’ll even be able to stand you for more than five minutes at a time.”
“Maybe,” Bella agrees and mentally swears not to give Bree her forwarding address.
* * *
Bella calls Jacob, half-expecting the stranger who answers to tell her she’s dialing a pay phone and is she sure she has the right number? She swallows her disappointment and calls her mother to tell her that the wedding is off and she’s going to Dartmouth. She’s only slightly resentful when Renee sighs in relief and promises to come help her move in.
* * *
She lingers in Forks as long as she can, finally gets sick and drives down to La Push herself for news. Quil, Embry, Paul, and Leah don’t even pretend to look happy to see her. She goes straight to Billy’s house and begs him for news about Jacob.
“I heard your engagement was cancelled,” he says impassively. “Shame.”
“We had romantic differences,” she snaps, the anger she hadn’t felt at Bree displaying itself now. “Like we were romantically attracted to different people.”
Billy has a twinkle in his eye that takes the edge off his words. “Larger shame. Jake would have loved to hear that.”
“Where is he?” Bella begs again. “Billy, please.”
“I apologize, Bella,” he says and sounds truly sorry. “But even if I did know, I wouldn’t tell you.”
It feels like he’s slapped her. Bella thanks him and leaves, not meeting any of the accusing eyes as she climbs back into her truck and drives away. Charlie and her bags are waiting for her out front. Bella helps him pack them in, then climbs into the passenger seat and lets him drive her to the airport. She doesn’t look back.
* * *
There are no supernatural creatures in Massachusetts. If there were, she would have found them by now. Or vice versa.
She’s studying a little bit of everything, unsure just what she wants to do with her life now that she’s being forced to live it. She’s never been good at sports, never involved in any clubs, always seemed to be drifting from day to day. She can cook, but that doesn’t mean she likes it. Professional motorcycle racing or cliff diving doesn’t seem like a viable career.
She’s made two friends: Taylor, from her Psychology class, who likes to spend her time analyzing everything Bella says and prodding her for information about her life in Forks, and Clio, from her Statistics class and also her roommate, whose favorite pastime is “go through Bella’s things.” Bella doesn’t talk much, but they talk enough for her, and they’re fun when they’re not incredibly annoying. Just like her friends from Forks.
She thinks she’s going to be fine until she passes by the auditorium and sees a freshman towering over the other freshmen, shaggy hair distinctive even from the back. She freezes and Taylor slams into her, in the middle of a story about her summer at Oxford.
“What is it, Bella?” Taylor asks, standing on her tip-toes to see what Bella is seeing over the crowd of students. She doesn’t have to look long. “Oh! Oh my gosh, that’s a freshman? He looks-he looks like someone I should be getting to know. Intimately.”
Bella glowers at her. “You have a boyfriend.”
“We’re not exclusive,” Taylor says dismissively. “Do you know him or are you just staring because he looks like God’s gift to women? Can you introduce us?”
“Yes, no, and no,” Bella’s trying really hard not to raise her voice, but the longer she looks, the longer Jacob keeps standing there, which means he’s probably not a mirage and probably not a figment of her imagination and then he turns and sees her and smiles and Bella knows he’s real. “Oh god.”
Taylor’s preening next to her, but Jacob doesn’t even spare her a glance as he strolls right up to Bella, wraps an arm around her waist, and says, “Feel up for some Starbucks?”
She nods wordlessly and lets him lead her away.
* * *
She manages to wait until he’s bought them both some green tea (and she wonders how he manages to know her favorites, even now) and they’re settled in the nearest park before she jumps him. He’s still too hot for her to hold onto for long, but she sticks it out, the bottle squashed between them. Jacob hugs her back, equally reluctant to let go.
“I thought you’d run away,” she says in a shaky voice. “I thought I’d never see you again.”
“Billy told me you’d gone to Dartmouth. Alive. I decided it was about time I came home.” He smiles at her and she knows he doesn’t mean home with the Quileutes. Her breath catches.
“Jake, I-”
“Love me,” the smile widens, revealing dimples. “I told you you did.”
Bella laughs breathlessly and reaches out, grabbing his face and tugging it down for a kiss. It’s a little clumsy, a little messy, too much teeth and not enough tongue, but then she shifts her head and it’s perfect. Her heart is doing double time in her chest and she feels lightheaded, but his warm hand on her hip and on her cheek keep her grounded in the moment.
He pulls back until their lips are barely touching, looking at her with wide, forlorn eyes. “Are you sure you don’t just love me more because Edward loves you less?”
There’s a teasing gleam in his eyes, but Bella’s never heard a more serious question in her life.
She kisses him chastely. “Are you sure you don’t just want me so Edward doesn’t have me?”
He chuckles.
“You’re not supposed to answer a question with a question.”
“We can’t be friends,” she says with a small smile. “When we love each other like this. Besides,” she takes his hand as casually as she can manage. “An eclipse may block out the sun, but only temporarily.”
Jacob laughs and it’s choked with relief. “You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting to hear you say that.”
“Two years and some months?” she guesses and then Jacob takes her green tea and sets both bottles aside so he can cup her face and kiss her thoroughly. Bella melts into it.
“I heard you in my head,” she says when he lets her up for air.
“Should I kiss you or medicate you?”
“Kisses have fantastic healing powers. It has something to do with endorphins and-”
It’s a very long time before either of them come up for air again.
END
otempora01, rated PG for lots of kissing.
Twilight, Jacob/Bella, Edward/Bree, post-Eclipse.
In the end, Bella had no one to blame for herself when she and Edward fell out of love with each other.
Complete, 4,753 words.
So till the morning breaks go and make your mistakes
Don’t be surprised if your heart hurts
Life’s for the living, the forgiven, and for leaving town alive
-Leaving Town Alive by Bethany Joy Lenz
She should have seen it when Edward nearly broke his neck to get between Felix and Bree before Jane even finished turning away.
She should have, but she didn’t. She remembered feeling relieved, feeling proud that Edward, her Edward, would endanger himself to save newborn. To give her a chance to do better. Hell, she even went to stand with him, with Carlisle and Esme and Jasper and Alice and Rosalie and Emmett as they formed a unified wall between Jane, Felix, and Bree.
Jane was displeased, but Carlisle, as diplomatic as ever, reiterated that they would take full responsibility for Bree’s actions. That if she slipped, the Volturi could do with her as they wished. There was underlying threat of violence if Jane tried to take Bree now, but that was something everyone wanted to avoid.
Jane’s mouth was a thin line when she’d left, but she did leave and then Edward dragged Bella against his side just as Bree’s arm shot out to grab her.
His voice was cold as he said, “Rule number one: Don’t eat Bella or you will wish we had let Felix deal with you. Do you understand?”
Bree nodded and buried her head in her hands with a pitiful whimper that made Bella’s heart go out to her despite the fact that Bree almost made a late dinner out of her. She looked up at Edward, but his eyes were trained on Bree, and she really should have seen it then.
It would have been easier if she had.
* * *
It’s just like when Edward left her, except worse and better. She hears Jacob’s voice in her mind, not when she’s dangerously close to serious injury, but when she’s content. When she’s happy. When she’s amused. When she’s breathing.
Alice, face buried in the guest list, swerves to avoid an open door and crashes into Rosalie without either of them being disturbed or pausing in their walks toward opposite ends of the hall. Bella, observing from the doorway, hides a smile and hears Jacob’s voice say dryly, If they fell face first into the sidewalk, they’d probably dent the concrete.
Bella’s shoulders tense as she realizes what is happening and she turns away from them to look at Edward, feigning sleep in the large bed. His lips quirk into that crooked smile she loves so much and he pats the space on the bed next to him without opening his eyes.
I’m oddly reminded of a spider in its web, Jacob continues as though he isn’t a figment of her overactive imagination. Be sure he doesn’t inject you with poison, tie you to that bed, and suck you dry. A sarcastic gasp. Hey, wait a minute…
Shut up, she thinks viciously, hating the part of her that wants to smile. It’s not like that and you know it. Flies don’t care for spiders.
Flies are highly intelligent creatures.
“Bella?”
She realizes that Edward has been trying to get her attention for quite some time and flushes guiltily. “Sorry. I was… thinking…”
He sits up and she knows before he even opens his mouth that he is about to ask. She steps back. “I’ll join you later. I’m just going to make sure Alice isn’t inviting half the town first.”
She turns around before she can see his face fall and leaves, hearing Jacob chuckling quietly in her ear and hating herself for missing him.
* * *
Bree takes a liking to Edward which is understandable, all things considered. He spoke in her defense, after all, risked himself to save her when everyone else had been ready to turn away. She always sits a little straighter when he enters the room and listens to him before anyone else. It seems only logical that Edward be the one to help her through her bloodlust.
Maybe she should have known then.
Bella becomes used to dropping by the Cullens’ to hear that Edward has taken Bree hunting or to see Edward descending the stairs with Bree hot on his heels. Bree’s reaction to Bella continues to range from hostile to really hostile, depending on whether or not she’s fed, but Bree never outright attacks her. There is nothing in her eyes to suggest she doesn’t want to, but she hasn’t and that’s what matters.
Meanwhile, Jacob never leaves her alone. Alice asks her what color she wants the bridesmaids’ dresses to be, Bella rests her head on the table as Jacob says, Blue. You like blue. Alice asks her how many layers the cake should be, Bella closes her eyes and tries to ignore Jacob whispering, Go for thirteen. This wedding is doomed anyway.
Alice eventually learns to stop asking and Bella eventually learns to stop trying to tune Jacob out. She wasn’t able to do it when he was around. She has no idea what she’s thinking trying to do it when he and her thoughts seem to be peacefully coexisting.
* * *
Bree is sitting on the counter when Bella walks into the kitchen. Her nostrils flare, but otherwise she gives no indication that she notices Bella standing there at all. Bella glances around, expecting Edward and surprised to see the kitchen empty.
“Where’s Edward?” she asks, excited at the prospect of spending some actual time with him. Nothing quiets the nagging voices in her mind better than the touch of his lips.
“He went out to buy me a hat,” Bree says airily. “Or a dead deer. One or the other.”
“I can certainly see how the two could be easily confused.”
Bree eyes her for a moment, then lifts her chin. “If you keep making yourself so obvious, he’s going to find out. You need to hide your thoughts better.”
For one wild moment, Bella thinks that Bree has been endowed with the mind-reading ability, too, one more intense than Edward‘s that allows her to get inside even Bella’s head. The thought terrifies her.
“Um,” she says intelligently. “What?”
Instead of answering, Bree eyes her again and says, “Seriously, what are you, like, seventeen and getting married? Are you pregnant or something?”
Bella flinches away from the word marriage, trying to hide it by coughing. Where is there a rule that says that only works for laughs? Bree isn’t fooled, however. She smirks.
“How are you supposed to get married if you can’t even stand to hear me say it?” she asks. “If I were a centuries-old undead vampire, I’d want to marry somebody who wanted me, not the undead part.”
“I want-”
“That’s not what I heard,” Bree jumps off the counter, walking as close to Bella as she can stand. There’s a good five yards separating them. “You hear a lot when you bother to listen, even when no one’s saying anything.”
She glides out of the room like a graceful assassin out for her next kill. Obviously she is off to crush someone else’s spirits.
As if her misery isn’t complete enough, Jacob’s voice surfaces in her head, inexplicably amused, I’d like her if she wasn’t dying to eat you. Ha-ha. Dying. Get it?
Bella falls into a chair and groans.
* * *
Sometimes, Bella gets a little desperate. The only time her internal Jacob is quiet is when she’s talking about the real Jacob. She pumps Charlie for information.
“How is he?”
“Where is he?”
“Is Jacob okay?”
One day, Charlie tells her that he isn’t quite sure. The last time he checked in with the Blacks, Billy told him that Jacob went on an extended vacation. By which Billy meant that Jacob ran off without telling anyone where he was going. Billy hasn’t told Charlie why, but it isn’t that hard for Bella to figure out.
The world tilts on its axis for a long, long moment. “Jacob’s… run away?” Her voice sounds small and confused.
Charlie’s eyes widen as though he can sense that she’s seconds away from another irrationally long breakdown.
“Run away is the wrong way to put it,” he says quickly and very unconvincingly. “It’s a vacation, Bells. I’m sure he’ll be back in time for your,” Charlie spits out the word like it’s poison. “Wedding.”
Bella turns so he won’t see her flinch. No need to give him another reason to disapprove or think that Edward is forcing her into this. “I’m not a child, Charlie. You don’t have to lie to make me feel better.”
Tell that to Cullen, Jacob almost seems to whisper in her ear and Bella’s eyes sting with the tears she swore to herself wouldn’t fall again.
Where’d you go? she asks as though he can answer her.
He doesn’t.
* * *
She catches Edward-literally-in his bedroom, slipping in and locking the door behind her before Bree can pop out of nowhere as she’s gotten in the habit of doing lately. Edward’s reading a book (The Taming of the Shrew. How appropriate, she thinks), spread out on his stomach on the bed and completely absorbed. Her heart instinctively skips a beat at the sight of his perfect face before his features morph into those of Jacob and her heart skips another beat for an entirely different reason.
Her gasp makes him look up. He smiles her favorite smile. “Bella. I’d been longing to see you again.”
“Jacob ran away,” she says, then has to fight the urge to clap her hands over her mouth. What is wrong with her? She’d been intending to keep that a secret. However, once she’s started, she can’t stop. “Charlie told me. He’s-he’s gone, Edward.”
Edward’s lips curve in the other direction. “I had hoped he’d take things with more… dignity.”
“What things?” she asks, shoving down the feeling pooling in her gut. She didn’t expect Edward to be anywhere near as upset about this as she is, but some concern wouldn’t have been unwelcome.
Edward glances at her, then almost immediately looks away. For a moment he looks as though he’s going to return to his book, but then he says, “I sent him an invitation to the wedding.”
His eyes are as wide as hers. Obviously, he hadn’t meant to tell her.
“You what?”
“Bree,” he says coldly.
Bella hears a giggle and the sound of fading footsteps, but her world has reduced to Jacob-poor Jacob-and Edward who just had to spite him one last time.
“Why would you do that, Edward?” she whispers, trying to keep her voice steady. “I thought you were the mature one in this. Why did you have to throw our engagement in his face?”
Edward looks stunned. “Bella, you know very well I would never-”
“You’re a guy,” she says impatiently. “Of course you would.”
“The only reason I sent him the invitation was because, were I in his place, I would have at least liked the option.” He lowers his gaze and voice. “I just wanted him to see that you still cared enough to want him there on what I hope will be one of the best days of your life. I didn’t intend for him to run away.”
“You also didn’t intend to tell me until, what, he showed up?” She can’t even pretend to be calm anymore. She’s so angry, she feels like throwing things. “Now he’s missing and it’s all-” Bella stops, words clogging in her throat as she realizes the horrible truth. “This is all my fault.”
Edward is at her side in seconds, pulling her against his ice cold chest. “What could you have done, Bella? I shouldn’t have sent the invitation, but you are not to blame here.”
For once, Bella isn’t comforted. She pushes away from him with only a slight twinge of guilt. “I need air,” she says, unlocking the door and pulling it open. She doesn’t look back at Edward for fear that the sight of his face will make her go crawling back into his arms so he can hold her while she cries. She may have cried for Jacob, but she owes it to Edward not to cry for Jacob in front of him again.
Bree’s leaning against the wall by the bedroom door when she exits, the corners of her lips curled upward. Bella meets her gaze until her vision starts to blur and then she runs downstairs. She barely manages to make it to the yard before she collapses.
* * *
Edward wisely avoids her for awhile which has the unfortunate side effect of him spending that time with Bree. Bella’s always felt like she was intruding in this world of beautiful immortals and that’s never more true then when she walks into the kitchen and sees Edward and Bree discussing the merits of American literature versus British literature and it’s influences there from.
At least, that’s the general gist of the conversation she interrupts with her presence and it makes Bella long for the days when she and Edward used to sit and discuss literature. Just... not enough to talk to him.
Bree talks about all sorts of things with Edward, Bella learns from Emmett and Rosalie and Jasper since Alice is too busy planning the wedding. Rosalie overhears them talking about Mozart in the bathroom while Bree is doing her makeup and Edward’s watching her do her makeup. Emmett sees them outside playing Hide and Seek by running full-force through the woods until they inevitably slam into each other, which is apparently a hilarious occasion. Jasper catches them sitting on the roof at midnight, identifying constellations and impressing one another with the mythological background of each.
To Bella, it sounds a lot like going to school or spending eternity in a library, but it could be she’s a little jealous.
“I’m not joking,” she hears Bree saying as she passes the piano room. “I really think it contained poignant social commentary about our life and times. Or mine at least.”
She hears Edward laugh like this is the funniest thing he’s ever heard. “It’s Peanuts. It’s entitled Peanuts and it’s about a slightly bald child who never ages and never learns to stop trusting that unsavory Lucy Van Pelt.”
“As a side note, she’s my favorite character, so bite your tongue,” Bree says snootily. “I prefer the term ‘wily’.”
“You also prefer Seinfeld to Frasier, so how am I to trust your opinion?”
Bella only realizes she’s blatantly eavesdropping when Rosalie passes and raises an eyebrow at her.
“That’s terribly impolite, Bella,” she says although something in her eyes says she doesn’t blame Bella a bit. She watches Bella shift guiltily for a moment, then relents. “They’ve been at it all day. Edward’s trying to teach her how to play.”
Bella swallows around a lump in her throat. “I see.”
So do I, Jacob offers sympathetically. Perhaps werewolves aren’t the only ones who can imprint.
“I should go home,” she says and does.
* * *
Bella doesn’t visit the Cullens for a week. Alice calls, asking how many members of her family are coming to the wedding and also when she’s coming by the house again. She sounds desperate, almost pleading, and Bella thinks she knows what’s going on better than anyone else. She lies and says she has homework just to get off the phone.
When she drops by Friday, Bree and Edward (and Emmett and Carlisle) have gone hunting. Esme sees her sulking and pulls her into a hug.
“Edward loves you,” she says warmly, like she believes it. “That won’t change.”
But the way he loves me can, Bella thinks, trying to muster up the energy to smile.
“Jacob ran away,” she says because it’s been almost a month and there’s been no word of him that Charlie’s heard.
Esme, at least, pretends to care. “I’m sorry, Bella.”
“Yeah,” she takes a shaky breath. “Me, too.”
* * *
On Saturday, the phone rings. Bella knows who it is before she even answers it and she rushes to speak before he hangs up. “Jake?” Instead of the unforgiving dial tone, she hears a long sigh. Her heart clenches in her chest. “Jake, please. Say something.”
“Something,” she says with him, smiling. It’s unfamiliar and a little weak, but it’s still a smile.
Jake laughs on the other end, sounding equally weak. “I’m not supposed to be talking to you. I’m supposed to breathe heavily into the phone for a second or two and then hang up before Police Chief Swan can trace the call.”
“I think Edward’s falling in love with another girl,” she blurts out before she can stop herself.
It’s the wrong thing to say. Jacob inhales sharply, then growls, “Bye, Bella,” and hangs up the phone.
Bella cradles it to her ear for a long while after he hangs up, hoping she just imagined herself being that stupid. She only hangs up when the female automated voice begins to instruct her on how to make a call.
* * *
Bree’s sitting on the front steps when Bella arrives, unsure why she even bothers to go anymore. Edward hasn’t asked for her and the other Cullens simply give her looks of pity or indifference. She expects to feel angry or upset, but she just feels numb. She thought heartbreak was supposed to hurt, but knowing Edward isn’t in love with her just makes her feel dead.
“Hi,” Bree says cheerfully, inching away from Bella as Bella passes her on the stairs. “Our boy’s upstairs changing. If you hurry, you can catch him before we go shopping.”
Bella feels a twinge of annoyance that Bree can stand to be so happy when she is so miserable, but she just walks into the house and up to Edward’s room for the last time. She sees Alice on the way. She’s clutching yards of frilly, white material and crying.
Alice looks up as she passes and breaks into a fresh new wave of tears. “…matches your complexion…” Bella hears between sobs. She thinks that perhaps she isn’t the person most upset by all this.
She pushes open the door in time to see Edward buttoning up a white shirt, the glimpse of his chest enough to make her heart race again. She’ll always find him beautiful because he’ll always be gorgeous. He deserves someone as gorgeous as him, someone who isn’t weak and plain and half in love with someone else. He deserves someone who isn’t her and Bree seems more than willing to fill her role.
He finishes buttoning his shirt and notices her standing there, expression unreadable. “Bella.”
“It’s okay,” she says, clenching her hands behind her back. “I’d tell Alice to call off the wedding, but I’m pretty sure she already knows.”
“Bella,” he says, warmth creeping into his tone. “Bella, I-”
“Love me. I know.” This really shouldn’t be so hard, she thinks, digging her nails into her palms. “I love you, too, Edward. Always.”
He looks away, buttoning his cufflinks as he tries to think of something to say. Bella’s unbelievably grateful that her mental Jacob has decided to stay quiet for once. She isn’t quite sure she can handle it alone, but she would break down completely if Jacob was with her in any form.
“There’s something you should know,” he says at last, stepping toward her. Bella presses herself against the door and he stops. She couldn’t stand it if he touched her now. “About Bree. Her ability… when she was human, she was good at seeing through people and now,” he smiles wryly, but there’s a fondness there Bella doesn’t remember seeing before. “Now she can force people to spill their inner most thoughts and desires. Secrets mean nothing to her.” He meets her eyes. “Do you understand?”
Bella begins to shake her head, then remembers telling Edward about Jacob and hearing Edward tell her about the invitation and the smug look on Bree’s face when Bella had found her outside. The way he’d coldly said her name.
Edward sighs. “She isn’t hesitant to use her gift to get what she wants.”
Bella expects the anger to come now, in a huge, sweeping wave that makes her see red and turn murderous. It doesn’t. She still feels nothing. “Better she did it before the…” she winces. “Wedding than after.”
“Surely you aren’t suggesting I thank her,” Edward asks with a raised eyebrow.
“She saved us from a messy divorce made even messier from the fact that I’d have a strong desire for human blood. Imagine how hard it would be to entertain company.”
Edward smiles, but Bella’s heart has had enough. She unclenches her hands and tugs the door open. “Goodbye, Edward.”
“I paid your way through Dartmouth,” he says softly, as she’s leaving. “I know you hate gifts, but understand that I feel horribly, Bella. Please let me do this for you.”
It’s on her tongue to say that she’s not his pity project, but then she realizes that the University of Alaska thing just isn’t happening and she’ll be expected to go to college whether or not she leaves town with the Cullens. She nods and leaves.
Alice is no longer in the hallway, but Bree is still on the front steps.
“I never hated you, Bella,” she stretches her arms over her head and stares up at the overcast sky. “I was jealous of you, but I never hated you. I hope things work out with you and your wolf boy.”
“I don’t…” Bella begins, a denial on her tongue and a burning in her chest, then presses her lips together and nods. “Thank you.” She hesitates. “For everything. And… I hope things work out for you, too.”
“Alaska,” Bree muses. “No humans around for miles. It’ll be great.” She smiles a rare, genuine smile. “Maybe I’ll come back and see you once I get myself under control. Maybe one day I’ll even be able to stand you for more than five minutes at a time.”
“Maybe,” Bella agrees and mentally swears not to give Bree her forwarding address.
* * *
Bella calls Jacob, half-expecting the stranger who answers to tell her she’s dialing a pay phone and is she sure she has the right number? She swallows her disappointment and calls her mother to tell her that the wedding is off and she’s going to Dartmouth. She’s only slightly resentful when Renee sighs in relief and promises to come help her move in.
* * *
She lingers in Forks as long as she can, finally gets sick and drives down to La Push herself for news. Quil, Embry, Paul, and Leah don’t even pretend to look happy to see her. She goes straight to Billy’s house and begs him for news about Jacob.
“I heard your engagement was cancelled,” he says impassively. “Shame.”
“We had romantic differences,” she snaps, the anger she hadn’t felt at Bree displaying itself now. “Like we were romantically attracted to different people.”
Billy has a twinkle in his eye that takes the edge off his words. “Larger shame. Jake would have loved to hear that.”
“Where is he?” Bella begs again. “Billy, please.”
“I apologize, Bella,” he says and sounds truly sorry. “But even if I did know, I wouldn’t tell you.”
It feels like he’s slapped her. Bella thanks him and leaves, not meeting any of the accusing eyes as she climbs back into her truck and drives away. Charlie and her bags are waiting for her out front. Bella helps him pack them in, then climbs into the passenger seat and lets him drive her to the airport. She doesn’t look back.
* * *
There are no supernatural creatures in Massachusetts. If there were, she would have found them by now. Or vice versa.
She’s studying a little bit of everything, unsure just what she wants to do with her life now that she’s being forced to live it. She’s never been good at sports, never involved in any clubs, always seemed to be drifting from day to day. She can cook, but that doesn’t mean she likes it. Professional motorcycle racing or cliff diving doesn’t seem like a viable career.
She’s made two friends: Taylor, from her Psychology class, who likes to spend her time analyzing everything Bella says and prodding her for information about her life in Forks, and Clio, from her Statistics class and also her roommate, whose favorite pastime is “go through Bella’s things.” Bella doesn’t talk much, but they talk enough for her, and they’re fun when they’re not incredibly annoying. Just like her friends from Forks.
She thinks she’s going to be fine until she passes by the auditorium and sees a freshman towering over the other freshmen, shaggy hair distinctive even from the back. She freezes and Taylor slams into her, in the middle of a story about her summer at Oxford.
“What is it, Bella?” Taylor asks, standing on her tip-toes to see what Bella is seeing over the crowd of students. She doesn’t have to look long. “Oh! Oh my gosh, that’s a freshman? He looks-he looks like someone I should be getting to know. Intimately.”
Bella glowers at her. “You have a boyfriend.”
“We’re not exclusive,” Taylor says dismissively. “Do you know him or are you just staring because he looks like God’s gift to women? Can you introduce us?”
“Yes, no, and no,” Bella’s trying really hard not to raise her voice, but the longer she looks, the longer Jacob keeps standing there, which means he’s probably not a mirage and probably not a figment of her imagination and then he turns and sees her and smiles and Bella knows he’s real. “Oh god.”
Taylor’s preening next to her, but Jacob doesn’t even spare her a glance as he strolls right up to Bella, wraps an arm around her waist, and says, “Feel up for some Starbucks?”
She nods wordlessly and lets him lead her away.
* * *
She manages to wait until he’s bought them both some green tea (and she wonders how he manages to know her favorites, even now) and they’re settled in the nearest park before she jumps him. He’s still too hot for her to hold onto for long, but she sticks it out, the bottle squashed between them. Jacob hugs her back, equally reluctant to let go.
“I thought you’d run away,” she says in a shaky voice. “I thought I’d never see you again.”
“Billy told me you’d gone to Dartmouth. Alive. I decided it was about time I came home.” He smiles at her and she knows he doesn’t mean home with the Quileutes. Her breath catches.
“Jake, I-”
“Love me,” the smile widens, revealing dimples. “I told you you did.”
Bella laughs breathlessly and reaches out, grabbing his face and tugging it down for a kiss. It’s a little clumsy, a little messy, too much teeth and not enough tongue, but then she shifts her head and it’s perfect. Her heart is doing double time in her chest and she feels lightheaded, but his warm hand on her hip and on her cheek keep her grounded in the moment.
He pulls back until their lips are barely touching, looking at her with wide, forlorn eyes. “Are you sure you don’t just love me more because Edward loves you less?”
There’s a teasing gleam in his eyes, but Bella’s never heard a more serious question in her life.
She kisses him chastely. “Are you sure you don’t just want me so Edward doesn’t have me?”
He chuckles.
“You’re not supposed to answer a question with a question.”
“We can’t be friends,” she says with a small smile. “When we love each other like this. Besides,” she takes his hand as casually as she can manage. “An eclipse may block out the sun, but only temporarily.”
Jacob laughs and it’s choked with relief. “You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting to hear you say that.”
“Two years and some months?” she guesses and then Jacob takes her green tea and sets both bottles aside so he can cup her face and kiss her thoroughly. Bella melts into it.
“I heard you in my head,” she says when he lets her up for air.
“Should I kiss you or medicate you?”
“Kisses have fantastic healing powers. It has something to do with endorphins and-”
It’s a very long time before either of them come up for air again.
END