One Piece: Bound For Glory - Chapter 11 Part 4:
"Hahaha!" Broly cackled
*Rubs head* Why on EARTH did I start sporking this fic in expectation of lulz? This is about the most unfunny thing I have ever laid eyes on.
ONOMATOPOEIAS ARE COOL: 16
DEPARTMENT OF REDUNDANCY DEPARTMENT: 6
as his arm regenerated.
…Since when did Nukes have the power of self-regeneration? YOU HAD NUKE POWERS! THAT MEANS YOU BLOW SHIT UP! YOU DON’T REGENERATE! THAT’S NOT HOW DEVIL FRUITS WORK!
STOP PULLING RANDOM POWERS OUT OF YOUR ASS TO FILL IN PLOTHOLES! THAT JUST CREATES EVEN MORE PLOTHOLES!
And you know what? We SAW someone with explosion powers in One Piece itself, and what happens when he blows his hands up? The explosion occurs, but HE himself isn’t harmed! Why don’t you just use that? The canon provided you with a PERFECT reason why Broly would survive his own powers! Why do you feel the need to insert your own stupid-ass reason?
FAUX MADE OF IRON: 12
"Double Surprise!" David threw one of his swords at Broly
STOP THROWING YOUR WEAPONS! Swords are NOT aerodynamic! They are not made to be thrown! It would be fucking harmless by the time it got to him and probably off course! Hold your fucking sword and fucking stab him already!
SHUT UP, I’M AWESOME: 8
and Broly simply smacked it down away from him,
See? This wouldn’t have fucking happened if you didn’t THROW your sword, would it? YOU DUMBASS! If you get hurt in this fight, then IT’S ALL YOUR FUCKING FAULT! Remember that!
"Ha!" David then came up from behind and lunged forwards at Broly.
ONOMATOPOEIAS ARE COOL: 17
If you wanted to do a sneak attack upon him, then you probably shouldn’t have named this move DOUBLE surprise. It kind of gives you away.
AND HOW THE HELL DIDN’T HE SEE YOU? And weren’t you in front of him? What, did you run behind him so fast that he couldn’t see? Well, if you outmatch him in speed so much, THEN WHY IS THIS FIGHT STILL ON? WHY ISN’T HE DEAD YET?
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 32
"Nuke Elbow!" Broly spun around and elbowed David's sword causing another explosion.
Why does he insist upon attacking with his fucking ELBOW? What is UP with his fist? Huh?
And what is UP with him and punching swords? At this point, there is no other explanation apart from the fact that he is actively TRYING not to wound David. And if your opponent is so courteous that he’s unwilling to make any move on your life, THEN WHY SHOULD I BE WORRIED?
SHUT UP, I’M AWESOME: 9
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 5
"Guah!"
ONOMATOPOEIAS ARE COOL: 19 (I give up. I just…give up.)
"Hahaha! Nuke Fist!"
ONOMATOPOEIAS ARE COOL: 20
*Tiredly* Why is he laughing here? What reason does he have to laugh? What is even going on here?
Broly jumped in the air
SHUT UP, I’M AWESOME: 11
You’d think a Shichibukai would fight more efficiently, seeing as they would have more than enough experience. Seriously, if THIS is how he fights, then how the hell did he become so successful that the government is willing to ally themselves with him, even though he’s a pirate?
and cocked his fist back
VARIETY, DAMMIT! DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT THE WORD MEANS?
DEPARTMENT OF REDUNDANCY DEPARTMENT: 7
as he dove down at David.
If he’s going to dive down right after jumping up, then why doesn’t he just bypass the process entirely and just approach David HORIZONTALLY? What is the jumping up supposed to do in this case? What purpose does it serve?
THESE PEOPLE ARE NOT FIGHTING! THEY’RE PUTTING ON A PERFORMANCE! PEOPLE DON’T FUCKING DO THAT IN REAL LIFE!
"No way!" David rolled out the way, then jumped for his second sword and picked it right up.
YOU WOULDN’T HAVE TO DO THIS IF YOU DIDN’T FUCKING THROW IT, DID YOU? Christ, can you STILL not see how stupid you are? You’re deliberately putting yourself at a disadvantage! How do you expect yourself to become the pirate king? HOW?
He turned to see Broly punch the snow
WHY?
Seriously, WHY?
What, did the snow kill his father?
He’s in a fight with DAVID! Why is he taking it out on the fucking snow?
and explosion devoured Broly creating a large crater in the snow,
Dude, he can ALREADY create explosions! That’s his entire power! Why would he need to punch the snow in order to facilitate that? WHY CAN’T HE JUST BLOW HIMSELF UP?
And explosions do not eat. They are no alive. I honestly have no idea what you are trying to say here, but it’s NOT what you are going for.
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 6
"That was close."
"Sure was."
Stuthor, do you honestly think your banter is witty? Do you honestly think we want to read it? IT’S NOT FUCKING FUNNY! IT’S NOT, OKAY? Stop doing it!
"Huh?" David turned around to see Broly.
HOW?
This is an ACTION scene! You have to describe the fucking ACTIONS! You can’t just randomly pull things out of your ass! ACTION SCENES DO NOT FUCKING WORK THIS WAY! YOU FUCKING SUCK!
ONOMATOPOEIAS ARE COOL: 21
Broly then simply backhanded David and knocked him down.
You know, if this had ANY effect on David, then Broly might have just become my favourite character. He did what I’ve been wanting to do for CHAPTERS.
But I know nothing will happen to David, BECAUSE YOU’RE A FUCKING WIMP!
Not to mention, he has the element of surprise on his side! David’s back was to him! Why did he just backhand him? Why not just grab his head and explode the fuck out of it? Why a simple backhand? DOES HE WANT TO KILL DAVID OR NOT? IF HE’S NOT TRYING, THEN I’M NOT GOING TO BE WORRIED!
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 7
"Nuke Grenade!" Broly raised his hand in the air as he created a small green sphere of energy and threw it down at David.
*Holds head* Nuclear explosions do not come from green energy orbs! They do NOT! They come from fission and, in some cases, fusion of atoms! IF YOU DON’T KNOW A SUBJECT, DON’T FUCKING WRITE ABOUT IT!
And it’s meaningless to throw bombs around now, isn’t it? David has already demonstrated the power to evade it perfectly. If he had done that a few seconds ago, when he actually got David’s back to him, then he might have accomplished something! But NO! Everyone in this universe HAS to be an idiot, because YOU are an idiot.
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 34
"No!" David rolled back, but was still caught in the explosion.
Stuthor, I’m sure you are aware of how powerful nukes are. If you don’t intend to ever hurt your character, don’t throw them inside a nuclear explosion! By doing this, you’re simultaneous insulting ANYONE who has ever come near one!
"Hahaha.." Broly walked forwards looking for David in the smoke from the explosion,
ONOMATOPOEIAS ARE COOL: 22
HE’S A SHICHIBUKAI! He’s used his powers enough times to know that YOU WAIT UNTIL THE SMOKE DISSIPATES! Anyone who’s used an explosive before knows to wait until the smoke clears! How the HELL is he still alive if he’s this stupid?
Oh wait. Everyone in your twisted little world is as stupid as him.
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 35
"Come out, come out whereever you are monkey boy."
NUKE! HE JUST GOT NUKED! WHY WOULD BROLY ASSUME HE’S STILL ALIVE? WHY?
Also, DO NOT STEAL FROM HORROR MOVIES. There is nothing you can do to make this person even remotely scary. Stop trying. You’re just insulting things far better than you’ll ever write.
"Ha!" David came up from behind and slashed Broly's back
FAUX MADE OF IRON: 13
Stuthor? FUCK YOU! From all the residents of Hiroshima and Nagasaki.
leaving a large X shaped scar.
NO! He would leave an X-shaped WOUND, not scar! Scars are what wounds are when they fucking HEAL! You do not get automatic scars!
Also, can’t he regenerate? He managed to re-grow his arm! Why can’t he heal the wounds completely? See what I mean by asspulling only creating bigger plotholes? You can’t give a character random powers to make sure you can write an action scene featuring him, and then randomly take away those powers so your avatar looks awesome! IT DOESN’T WORK THAT WAY!
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 36
"Hmph, that tickled." Broly smiled as a small stream of blood ran down his back,
Stuthor? Complete disregard of pain does not make your characters awesome. Not when no one else is affected by pain to begin with. All it does is emphasis what a CRAP writer you are.
"Explosion Knee!" Broly kneed David in the stomach causing an explosion on impact.
YES! We know that whenever he hits someone, he makes an explosion! You don’t have to keep explaining it!
"Guah!"
ONOMATOPOEIAS ARE COOL: 24
David slid back on the snow and almost fell into the water where the ship was.
Oh, so that’s all that happened to him? He just slid back a little, like if he was punched normally? Even though he had a nuke go off right next to his stomach?
FUCK YOU! FROM REALITY!
"Hahahaha! Lets see how you do against this!"
ONOMATOPOEIAS ARE COOL: 25
Why wouldn’t he assume David is DEAD? He’s seen what his power can do! Why would he continue to assume that David would be completely unharmed? Seriously, why? Is David so well-known for being the Author Favourite that even completely new characters can tell that at a glance?
Broly pointed one finger at David and aimed it for his heart,
FINALLY! Why didn’t he do this before? What, was he playing around? Why would he underestimate someone who decimated a former Shichibukai who rules a quarter of the world now?
"Good bye boy! Nuke Beam!"
Look, if three point blank nuclear explosions couldn’t kill him before, what makes him think that this one will do him in? Is this attack that much more powerful? Then why didn’t he use it before? How does any of this make any amount of sense?
AND NUCLEAR WEAPONS DO NOT FORM BEAMS! You said yourself that his power is radiation in explosion form! EXPLOSION FORM! Explosions and beams are VERY DIFFERENT CONCEPTS! How many goddamned super powers does this guy have?
If you haven’t put down a strict definition for what a character’s superpower should be, THEN DON’T WRITE ABOUT THEM YET! IT’S BASICA COMMON SENSE!
Oh god, this chapter is STUPID. And we have an entire chapter ahead of us which is nothing BUT an action scene.
I hate this fucking fic.
FINAL COUNT:
FAUX MADE OF IRON: 32+13 = 45
ONOMATOPOEIAS ARE COOL: 59+25 = 84
DEPARTMENT OF REDUNDANCY DEPARTMENT: 65+7 = 72
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 144+36 = 180
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 58+7 = 65
SHUT UP, I'M AWESOME: 63+11 = 74
SOCIOPATHY: 96+8 = 104 (Is anyone surprised that this counter is the second one to break the one-hundred mark?)
THESAURUS RAPE: 25+6 = 31
YOU SEXIST BASTARD: 44+13 = 57
SWEAT DROP: 6+1 = 7
YOU PREJUDICED BASTARD: 21
Go Forward to: Chapter 12 Part 1
Go Back to: Chapter 11, Part 3