Ignorance is Bliss: Chapter 8, Part 1
Chapter 8:
Finally Chapter 8!!! I hope you enjoy.
Mantra: How about, instead of just hoping, you get up and take some actions? Like editing?
Naruto: If she's excited about this chapter, I think that's bad news.
Nami's past will be explained.
Mantra: What more do we need to know apart from what's in the profile? I mean, it's not like she has a PERSONALITY. So why does her past matter?
Naruto: Oh great, this is gonna be just like getting Sasuke's past shoved into our faces every chapter, isn't it? *A chorus of booing erupts from Sasuke fangirls* Oh, come on! You got sick of it, too!
And who might Ian be? Read it and find out!
Mantra: What else do we need to fucking know? You already told us that he's her best friend/nebulous ex-love interest!
Naruto: Every time I see his name, I think of Misery.
Mantra: Oh, if only. But no. That would be interesting.
Thank you all for your messages. It makes me happy to know so many people read this story and like it. Keep enjoying my stories and please rate! Thank you for all the support.
Mantra: Guh...I'll never get over the fact that these....things have FANS.
Naruto: Like that boring Amelia Brave trilogy!
If you ever feel bored or just up to it, please make banners. I will post all of them!
Mantra: (Suethor) Even though all of them are atrocious and are annoying to have to scroll through for EVERY SINGLE CHAPTER. But fuck the readers, I have my quota of shameless whoring to fill.
Naruto: Sure, I'll make a banner! *Draws out a childish drawing of stick figures* There we go! Nami and Emmett! Along with Teddy Krueger just for shits and giggles!
SOS: And because the Suethor did, in fact, follow through with her threat of posting all the fan-art she got, it’s my duty to share it with you guys. Because communal suffering is the best kind of suffering.
SOS: Although making a black-and-white picture, with only one object being colour has been a time-honoured tradition amongst artists and is actually a technique I frequently use, I must argue that this picture did it in the absolute worst way. By making the only coloured object so large that it took up over 50% of the picture, it takes away the purpose of adding colour - drawing the viewer’s eyes to one specific area of the picture and emphasising the significance of the object. Add to that the fact that the writing is outlined in red too, and the object doesn’t stand out at all and only makes the colour scheme of the picture seem out of balance. Also, the point to only colouring one thing in is to make it STAND OUT, have extra significance. Putting the one thing you coloured in, in the BACKGROUND, is literally the worst thing you could do. Do you want your viewers to look at it or not? Because you’ve just rendered one of the most powerful techniques in art completely superfluous.
While I appreciate this artist’s attempts at putting other characters’ pictures in the banner, her execution leaves something to be desired as well. Firstly, this story is utterly centred around the Sue and Emmett. The other Cullens’ roles are interchangeable and often unnecessary. They are just there to remind us that this is, indeed, a Twilight fic. Therefore, I see no reason for them to be on the banner. Secondly, although I assume the artist put the other characters there as an attempt to acknowledge and recognise them, by varying the sizes of the pictures, she’s basically told us outright that none of these previously central characters, like Edward and Alice, are as important in the story as the Sue or her love interest. That’s pretty much equivalent to admitting that your story suck and features a Mary Sue. Even worse, she actually completely neglected to put some main characters in, such as Bella or, even more noticeably, ROSALIE. I find it VERY interesting that, although the entire Cullen clan is present, ROSALIE isn’t. I wonder what that could imply.
The formatting on the pictures isn’t consistent, either. Every character has their head in a little circle on a white background, except for Alice. For no reason as far as I can tell. The white background is utterly unnecessary and the perfect, shining white clashes quite heavily with the dull, grainy nature of the rest of the banner. And they take up superfluous space and make the pictures look even more pasted on. The text of the writing is still too flowery and almost impossible to read, considering that they have red-outlined-black text on a red-and-black background. Personally, I can’t read the name of the artist at all in this picture.
And lastly, this banner suffers the same problem as the first one. When your character’s main, central, distinguishing characteristic is her breathtaking beauty, actually giving us something concrete is just an invitation for mockery. Again, the woman is the picture is lovely and far prettier than I can ever aspire to be, but I don’t buy that her smiles are pretty enough to turn brain into mush. At least, when I look at her, I’m still capable of enough rational thinking to realise what a piece of crap this banner is.
But enough about that. Let’s get on with the story.
“Ian Gregory.”
Mantra: (Suethor) I randomly repost the last bit of last chapter in imitation of TV shows, even though there's no chance of the readers forgetting what they've read about in just the time for a new page to load. Because I'm AWESOME, dammit.
Naruto: *Dramatic voice* Last time on Sues of Our Lives...
“I met him about three years ago. It was a little after I moved here from Britain. I was really, merely a child, who was greatly depressed.
SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY:3
WANGSTMUFFIN: 1
Mantra: Oh, isn't she a cute little angstmuffin? Oh, woe is her.
Naruto: Jeez! Every other character is an angstmuffin with one key trait, depression. What happened to characters just being genuinely happy in their lives?
Mantra: You mean like Arianna Black?
Naruto: ...Probably wouldn't go that far.
My mother had wanted me to become a model ever since I could walk.
WANGSTMUFFIN: 2
Mantra: Because, apparently, ever since a TODDLER, she's shown model potential. I have no idea how that works. The only explanation is that the world she lives in is exclusively inhabited by paedophiles...which would make sense, considering this is Twilight.
Naruto: Don't look at me, I don't get what they see in kid models!
I never wanted to become a model, but I was too young to oppose my own mother.
WANGSTMUFFIN: 3
Mantra: Because young children NEVER argue against their parents. Ever.
Naruto: ...Really? You're still on about that? Your mother encouraged you to become a model! She didn't force you! You just apparently wanted to play the martyr!
After all, she too was a model, a French model.”
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 1 (Yep, even when you’re supposed to hate her, you still have to establish that anything you have is better than anything the readers will ever have.)
Mantra: Because, apparently, models never have rebellious children? What? Why did you even throw that detail in there? What does it justify?
Naruto: Oh come on, not all people who are models want their children to do the same thing! Hell, sometimes they might even hope they won't!
Naomi paused thinking.
Mantra: -and failed.
A violent emotion crossed her emerald green eyes.
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 3
Mantra: Presumably to get to the other side.
“All I wanted was to be a ballerina.
WANGSTMUFFIN: 4
Mantra: Which she let you be as a part of her compromise. So...what's your point again?
Naruto: Trying all she can to be a martyr. Oh, yes, and cue up that exposition song! *Sings along with Casper and the Critc*
Of course, after I became ‘famous,’ I got a little time off and decided to go to Russia to take part in the Russian ballet.
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 5 (One point for casually mentioning becoming famous in a fiercely competitive field, and one for making it clear that we’re meant to admire her accomplishments at ballet as well.)
Mantra: WHAT? Wouldn't you have EVEN LESS FUCKING TIME when you were famous? Because more companies would contract you? WTF?
Naruto: A Russian ballet?! Seriously? You went all the way to Russia for ballet? Um, lady, why did you have to go all the way to a foreign country to learn ballet, which you can learn almost anywhere?!
Mantra: Because throwing around names of 'exotic' countries is COOL!
I actually starred in the Nutcracker as Clara. We performed for the Queen.
SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 4
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 7
Mantra: ....Okay, let me clean up any misunderstandings you may have. Ballet is FULL-TIME hobby. If you want to get good enough that you perform for ROYAL FUCKING FAMILIES, then it necessarily means you spent all your fucking life practicing. And I don't fucking care if you're a natural prodigy at it - it still requires unGODly amounts of PRACTICE. Nothing but hard, solid PRACTICE.
There is NO FUCKING WAY you can balance being a model and doing a regime THAT draining, especially since modelling is a full-time job, as you've illustrated IN YOUR OWN FUCKING FLASHBACK IN CHAPTER ONE
There's arrogance, and then there's RAPING REALITY UP THE ASS FOR NO FUCKING REASON THAN TO THROW IN ONE MORE REASON WHY YOU'RE OH SO SPESHUL.
Naruto: Russian Monarchy was abolished by 1917. Given that Nami here isn't a vampire and therefore hasn't lived that long, no. She did not perform in front of the Queen. Russia has no QUEEN!
Anyways, I was scouted by ‘Teen Magazine.’
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 8
Mantra: Despite, again, NOT BEING A FUCKING TEENAGER.
Naruto: Then she'd be in magazines such as Sports Illustrated for Kids! Not that she was playing sports, but you get the point!
My mother was completely thrilled and sent me off to California.” The distaste in Nami’s words was clear.
NICKNAME MISUSE: 1
SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 5
WANGSTMUFFIN: 5
Naruto: *Small, kid voice* California....
Mantra: (Sue) How DARE she send me off to a sunny state in one of the most developed countries in the world in order to pursue a prestigious career while also letting me pursue my interest in ballet in my spare time? That BITCH!
Naruto: Funny, 'cause Russia, especially Moscow, or depending where the heck she stayed, is pretty darn poverished.
“There I was switched between different magazines and T.V. shows. Teen Vogue, Seventeen, American Cheerleader, Elle Girl, you name it.
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 15 (NO. DON’T EVEN TRY TO TELL ME SHE DIDN’T DESERVE THAT. DON’T EVEN TRY.)
Mantra: Yeah, I call bullshit. She's so totally lying in order to impress them. What kind of fucking teenager wouldn't recognise her if she was THIS famous? How many models can have claimed to be one all of those magazines AND on TV regularly?
Naruto: Unless you're living under a rock, it's impossible! Even if you don't pay attention to the media, you still see glimpses on TV, magazine covers, internet ads, you hear it from friends or family, there'd be no escaping it!
Mantra: Exactly. And there's no way a whole fucking SCHOOL of teenagers, who are the MAIN FUCKING DEMOGRAPHIC for those magazines, wouldn't even recognise her or her name.
It was absolutely horrible. The first year and a half was just awful.
SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 6
WANGSTMUFFIN: 7
Mantra: You done angsting yet? Really, why do we fucking know this? You already wrote it all in the fucking PROFILE.
Naruto: (Carlisle) Dude, I asked you about that guy Ian Gregory, not your life's story! Get on with it already!
Then I was contacted by Victoria’s Secret. Again, I was forced to sign a contract.
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 16
WANGSTMUFFIN: 8 (How does she even squeeze these two things into the same sentence?)
Mantra: Forced? How? What, the people from Victoria's Secret pressed a gun to your head and MADE you do it? Because you DO know that contracts signed under those circumstances are legally invalid, yes?
Naruto: Really? ...Really? What a martyr! Seriously, if you were forced to sign a contract against your will, you can go to the police! Show them the evidence, tell them you were forced to sign, and there you go!
I was 14.
WANGSTMUFFIN: 9
Mantra: Which would make the contract doubly illegal. The very fact that you haven't yet taken legal action tells me that you wanted it and you liked it.
Naruto: And you're a MINOR! They would sic Child Protective Services on their asses!
For my debut, I was sent to the best hair stylist in L.A..
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 17
Mantra: Because, of course, what the Sue has MUST be the best. Always. Totally.
SOS: Dude, it's hairdressing. It's a profession based on visual aesthetics, which is HIGHLY subjective. How the hell would you be able to tell if someone was the absolute best? Do they have an official ranking of hairdressers in LA or what?
NG55: Not to mention, oftentimes, hair stylists can vary in different kinds of ways! Sure, it's always good to be a jack-of-all-hairs kind of thing, but you need to know what a stylist can do for you that you want from them!
“His hair salon had exactly one chair.
SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 7
Mantra: Which probably means he's on the verge of bankruptcy, as no matter how good he is, there's no way he can get by with only serving one client at a time.
Naruto: Or is he just THAT expensive?
Mantra: In which case, he'd be out of clients, especially since as there are PLENTY of great hairdressers in LA that aren't half as snobby as he is. Though now I see why he would appeal to the Sue - one arrogant, pretentious bastard WOULD be attracted to another.
Naruto: Match made in Hell!
It was the most elegant place I’d been to my entire life. It was fairly dark, only lighted by seven or eight dim lights hanging from the ceiling.
SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 8
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 18 (Again, for pampering her self-insert with only the best of the best, implying that she deserved it simply for having great tits.)
Mantra: Ah, no wonder her has no clients. He probably accidentally stabbed a few too many in the head because he was BLIND
NG55: Oh, PLEASE! I thought it was sunlight that made vampires sparkle! Not electric lights! It would make sense if he had Xeroderma Pygmentosum, since electric lights CAN burn the skin. But a vampire? Of this calibre? I don't buy it.
Naruto: He's the best, people!
I remember wondering how he was going to style my hair, if he couldn’t see.” Nami laughed at her own childish thoughts.
NICKNAME MISUSE: 2
Mantra: ...And that was the only logical thought that ever entered your head, too. What a pity...
Naruto: Oh, I get it. 'Cause he can apparently see in the dark and has heightened senses. Yeah...making his room dimly lit isn't suspicious at all when you're a HAIR STYLIST.
Mantra: Actually, given that he EATS PEOPLE, I wonder how he came to be a hairstylist in the first place, let alone one so firmly established. People-eating vampires are nomadic for a REASON. The police tends to notice when people start dying at an accelerated rate around one particular region. How the hell did he stay in that community for so long that he's built himself a reputation for being the best?
Naruto: Magic!
“I waited about twenty minutes, standing by the door.
Mantra: He serves an elite class and yet he's too snobbish to even given his clients CHAIRS to sit on while they wait? What an asshole.
Naruto: Great, so now he's cheap and doesn't care!
At that time I was a polite and obedient child
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 20
Mantra: And by GOD, you've changed. And not for the better.
Naruto: Lady, being polite and obedient isn't a bad thing, but not when you're a doormat martyr!
so I didn’t go further inside.
Mantra: That's not being polite and obedient, since no one told you not to go inside. That's just being a pussy.
Naruto: Oh, come on! If you're going to shift from being a so-called "badass" to a shrinking violet, at least have a reason!
But I was getting tired and irritated.
WANGSTMUFFIN: 11
Mantra: I am too. How long is this flashback? Why do we need to know all this information? All they asked you is WHO Ian Gregory is. Just tell them whether he's in any coven, what year he was transformed/born in, and what his powers are if he's got them, and we're DONE. Why did you need to go off on this huge tangent?
SOS: Presumably because Meyer did it - grind the story to a complete halt so that we can have a chapter-long flashback written in awkward first person that contributes precisely zero to the story.
Naruto: Jeez, this is more boring than the stupid filler episodes and the episodes filled with flashbacks!
I was heaving my debut today and I had stand in front of some godforsaken reporters holding cameras and asking questions applying to a three year old.
WANGSTMUFFIN: 13
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 22 (Again, I marvel at the way the Suethor can bitch about something endlessly and yet eagerly eat it up at the same time.)
SOS: Personally, I'm heaving my dinner.
Mantra: And the questions reporters ask are, on general, a whole lot more malicious than those directed at a three-year-old. You're famous. They're going to want the scandal. Unless people regularly ask three-year-olds about the sex life where you come from.
Naruto: (Reporter) Naomi, what sound does a cow make?
I hadn’t felt like that before.
Mantra: Oh, after going on just about EVERY teen magazine imaginable, you haven't ever been harrassed by reporters until now? Bullshit.
Naruto: You were performing a Russian ballet for non-existent Russian monarchy! That's BOUND to make news!
My only source of annoyance had been when a bunch of people start fussing over me. This was the first time I was left alone with no one hovering over me.
WANGSTMUFFIN: 15
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 24 (Oh god, this is sickening.)
Mantra: Wait, weren't you JUST talking about annoying reporters?
Naruto: Consistency, what's that?
Mantra: And I find it amusing that ONE sentence after complaining about getting attention, she immediately complains about not getting attention. I see she's learned well from Bella Swan.
Naruto: Right out of Bella Swan Characteristics 101! Page six, paragraph four, section C.
It felt good, but also bad, I wasn’t used to it.
WANGSTMUFFIN: 16
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 15 (Christ, these two counts might as well get married at this point.)
Mantra: Well, obviously, you should GET used to it. No everyone is going to fawn at your feet. And wishing for that will just cement the inevitability that you'll be brutally terminated by Sporkers.
Naruto: Oh come on! This is part of what being famous is about! If you don't have attention and support from fans and the media, you're finished!
I double checked my schedule to confirm if it was the right appointment; I knew it was, but just in case. Sophia, my manager and guardian had dropped me off without saying anything.”
WANGSTMUFFIN: 17
Mantra: ...Why? For what purpose would she keep a HAIRDRESSING TRIP so secretive? And why wouldn't she STAY with you, in case you were ambushed by reporters? I mean, isn't that kind of her JOB? In fact, why didn't you bring the hairdresser to you, instead of going to him? If you do your hair at the photo-shoot location, you won't have the chance to mess it up afterwards.
Naruto: As a matter of fact, that's exactly what they do! If they have to get their hair done at a shoot or for some big event, they actually have the hairdresser come to the place so they can style it backstage or in the dressing room! So that it won't get messed up on the way! So why isn't THAT happening here?!
Mantra: I can only imagine it's because Ian is too snobbish to leave his saloon...which would only further decrease his client base. But then again, I guess the Suethor never said he was smart...
“By that time I was already fuming on the inside. ‘Who does he think he is?!’ I thought time and again.
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 27
Mantra: ...Hello, Rose Potter. Or are you Holly Potter? Those two are equally arrogant, anyways...
Naruto: Oh no, not them again!!
It was similar to being stood up on a date.
WANGSTMUFFIN: 18
Mantra: YOU'VE NEVER EVEN SEEN HIM BEFORE! This is having your pizza delivery be late. Not being betrayed by a romantic love interest!
Naruto: How do you know? You never even dated!
I decided to calm down and think rationally about it.
SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 9
Mantra: And epically fail. No, I haven't read ahead. I don't need to.
Naruto: Compared to you, THIS is rational thinking! *Gets up and dances around with a top hat and a cane*
I knew he, whoever he was, was there because it was unlocked.
Mantra: What was unlocked? Are we suddenly in a videogame now?
SOS: What, you mean her manager didn't even tell her who her hairdresser WAS? Dude, what is WRONG with that woman? And what could be her possible motivation?
So I figured it was a challenge. Maybe something along the lines of… ‘how long is the spoiled princess going to stay before storming out, crying to her manager.’
WANGSTMUFFIN: 19 (Of course, everyone is out to get her.)
Mantra: Oh yeah, because a hairdresser who already has a practically non-existent client base would do that to a new, shining star who beloved by the entire modelling world. Totally. Rational thinking my ASS.
Naruto: That's just juvenile! Why would a professional hairdresser act like a teenager?! That doesn't make sense! It's not his place to teach her a lesson! He's supposed to style her hair! That's what he's being paid to do!
I didn’t find out until later, that this wasn’t my own thought, but Ian’s.
Mantra: You could instinctively identify all the different Cullen's mental voices, so I can only assume it's because each person has a distinct mental 'tone'. So, how the hell did you accept something thought of in the voice of a male as your own, despite describing your voice as quite high? What, are you just secretly transsexual?
SOS: And of COURSE her love interest would have an amazing power. The Sue must have the best, after all.
Naruto: He even follows the great romantic cliché of being a JACKASS. And I bet the Sue’ll fall for him, even though he’s a douchebag, too.
In my anger, I failed to notice the difference in the voice. After all, who could hear other people’s thoughts?”
Mantra: Yes, and hearing a completely alien voice in your head taunting you isn't any concern at all? Say, Naruto, what was your reaction the first time I talked to you...uh...I mean, the fox in you talked to you?
Naruto: Well, obviously I was kind of confused and pretty scared, even! I knew about the fox since the first episode, but for that to happen when I confronted it? Jeez! Ninja or not, when you're a twelve-year-old kid facing that kind of thing, you're bound to be scared and wonder how it's possible!
Mantra: I rest my case.
“But he picked the wrong person, because I just love challenges.
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 28
Mantra: Good. I challenge you to grow a personality.
Naruto: I challenge you to leave Emmett alone!
I’m not a person to cry either, so I decided to further disappoint him. With what I thought was graceful confidence, I stomped to the single chair.
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 32
Mantra: Little did you know that, in actuality, it was a display fitting of any tantrum-ing three-year-old - complete with foot-stomping, too! Ah, the irony...
Naruto: Oh yes, stomping is really dignified!
It was then that I realized that it was facing an enormous mirror. It extended from the floor to the ceiling.”
Mantra: And you somehow didn't see it? Even though a mirror amplifies and reflects light? Isn't that only possible if the shop is in PITCH darkness?
Naruto: A floor-to-ceiling mirror for hair styling? Lady, why do you think that the mirrors and counters at hairdresser's are only a certain length? They only need to see your head and shoulders!
“I hate mirrors. They make me feel uncomfortable and uneasy.
WANGSTMUFFIN: 22
SOS: And yet she loves being in a ballet studio, which is COVERED BY MIRRORS
Mantra: Giving your Sue random phobias doesn't mean she's a flawed and rounded character. Especially if they don't impact on her life at all and are just thrown into the story out-of-hand for apparently no purpose.
I spun the chair around so it faced the opposite wall, which had over thirty framed sketches of beautiful hair styles. I examined them from afar, sitting in the cold leather chair.
Mantra: Afar? How big is the goddamned saloon?
And how did you not notice an entire wall covered in framed sketches before sitting down in the chair?
Naruto: Cold leather chair? Why would the chair be so cold?!
Mantra: Well, leather isn't exactly very conductive, so it tends to be at a lower temperature than room-temperature. But you're right. This Sue apparently glories in freezing temperatures, so for her to call something cold…unless Ian stores the chair in a fridge between getting clients, it makes no sense.
I had a bag with me so I was able to always have a book to pass the time. I took it out. It was The Scarlet Letter by Nathanial Hawthorn. That’s a favorite of mine.”
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 35
Mantra: You didn't even know what book your brought with you until you took it out? Just HOW unaware of your surroundings are you? Next thing you know, you won't be able to find your own lips!
Naruto: Oh look, and she reads classic literature! Oh joy! Hey, dimwit, I think we can tell when a character is a genuine bookworm or not! And you are not!
“I hadn’t read even two lines when I heard an unfamiliar voice. ‘How unusual,’ it said. It was such a sweat sound! I had never heard anything like it.
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 36 (Of COURSE, the Sue is unique and special!)
Mantra: I have to confess, I've seen some pretty weird-ass shit in my time, but never sweaty sound.
Naruto: And what, exactly, is so unusual about someone reading?
I looked around expecting to see someone, but no one was there. I sighed and thought to myself that I must be going insane.
Mantra: You know, most people freak out a TINY bit more when they start hearing voices in their heads. Especially voices spouting cheesy, cliched 'mysterious' lines, like the stereotypical old movie mentor.
Naruto: (Voice) Now, why don’t you set that kitten over there on fire?
But then I heard it again, the magical voice, ‘Certainly, very peculiar.’
SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 10
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 37
Mantra: ...What tone are you going for, Suethor? Because all I can think of now are ~WHIMSICAL~ animated made-for-TV films.
Naruto: Oh no, it's not going to turn into a musical, is it? ...A musical about hairdressers? ....Wait a minute.
Mantra: Damn, so close.
I looked around again, and again no one was present. Could such an amazing and thrilling sound be just a fragment of my imagination?
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 38 (Oh no, you don’t, Suethor. I got plenty of that bullshit from Ariel Bloom. You’re not pulling any of that here.)
Mantra: I thought you already decided that it was just you going insane. And you seem to have accepted it pretty well, so...what's the problem here?
Naruto: Okay, time out! This almost feels like a horror movie, where the killer is in the shadows! Except it's not scary!
NG55: On that note, in the original Halloween, the effect of Michael Meyers standing there in the dark and slowly coming into focus was the effect of what it's like when your vision is slowly adjusting to the darkness. If any of that happens here, I will PAUL!
I slammed my book shut and rubbed my forehead. Who the hell was talking?! Was this guy trying to make a fool of me?
WANGSTMUFFIN: 23
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 39 (Because everyone’s lives, every single action they take, revolves entirely around YOU.)
Mantra: Suethor, didn't anyone ever tell you that entitlement is NOT endearing? Assuming that every action anyone ever takes is taken with the sole intention of YOU in mind is just fucking IRRITATING. No, not everyone's lives revolves around you. We have FAR better things to do than sit around and figure out how to make a fool of you, especially since you do that so well on your own.
Naruto: Honestly! Even when I become Hokage, I'd know that not everyone's lives would be all about me! It's not endearing, Sue, it just makes you look like an arrogant, self-entitled harpy!
‘Ah, I guess it’s time.’ There it was again!
SOS: Yes, thank you for that BRILLIANT observation.
Mantra: *Melodramatically* IT'S TIME! *Ominous music*
I couldn’t hate that voice, it was just impossible. Such a beautiful sound.
Mantra: Well, makes sense that a Sue would focus on the physical and instead ignore all the implication in a character's actions and forgive them for EVERYTHING just because they were hot. *Sighs* I should've known Draco In Leather Pants is the logical conclusion of any romance with a human-eating vampire.
Naruto: Not like Draco In Leather Pants pollutes my world alone! *Groans*
As I finally processed the meaning of the words, my head snapped up. I was confused for the first time in my life.
SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 11
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 40
Mantra: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-
BULLSHIT
Naruto: I'm just going to say something silly to make you guys all feel better! ..............Muffins!
‘Time for what?’ Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a figure descend from the darkest corner. I looked closer and noticed the staircase.
Mantra: *Flatly* Are you notice that you need to breathe next? I'm not amused.
Naruto: A staircase? Oh great, if he comes down in a cape in some sweeping Dracula-esque gesture, that's just going to ruin it even more! And that's not saying much!
Of course my attention was quickly diverted to the person coming soundlessly. Even illuminated by only those dim lights hanging from the ceiling, his skin glowed beautifully.
SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 13
Mantra: ...*Head desk* Oh, fan-fucking-tastic. Glow-in-the-dark vampires, that's JUST what we needed.
Naruto: Glow-in-the-dark vampires! Tch, sounds like a kid's toy that lasts for six months and then doesn't glow anymore!
“At first I was speechless, but that only lasted a couple of seconds before I remembered he had made me wait for so long. ‘Time for what.’ I snapped at him, without even a greeting.
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 42 (In this case, more SHAMELESS SELF CENTREDNESS, but I guess that’s more or less the same, right?)
Mantra: For hairdressing? What, did your manager not tell you even THAT?
SOS: I find it SO very amusing that even here, even in a fucking SUE-fic, the Sue is still blaming herself for not properly greeting the Almighty vampire, even though HE was an asshole to HER. Even with a Sue as colossal as this, vampires from Twilight still take Head position.
Naruto: Oh great, here's the Edward Clone!
His expression didn’t change, but his eyes showed slight confusion. ‘Oh, my, did I say that aloud?’ And that’s when I noticed them.
Mantra: (Naomi) Dude, are you wearing LIP-GLOSS?
Naruto: (Ian’s eyes) Why does this story have so many plot-holes?
I had though myself as a fairly observant person, but in all my anger I had failed to notice the bright crimson eyes, that seemed to shine even in the dark. I was truly astonished.
SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 15
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 23
Mantra: Lady, I'm REASONABLY certain that Twilight vampire eyes are not made out of lazer beams. They don't fucking SHINE. At all. Anywhere.
Naruto: Dude! That's actually kind of SCARY! Seeing red eyes in the dark?!
They seemed so amazing. The color of fresh blood.
Mantra: ...Okay, I'm officially creeped out now. That's fucked up, is what it is.
Naruto: Are you sure she isn't trying to make a bad horror movie?
Mantra: *Very solemnly* No. She's trying to make art.
Of course, I soon snapped back to the present.
Mantra: (Naomi) -and found myself knee-deep in the corpses of numerous people, with their warm blood still covering my hands. They seemed so amazing. The colour of fresh blood...
Naruto: Room of a Thousand Corpses! The Director's cut!
‘Yes, in fact, you did say it aloud, so would you be kind enough to explain?’ My tone was bitter. ‘What was wrong with this person?’
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 44 (How dare he not bow down to you, indeed!)
WANGSTMUFFIN: 24 (Oh, you poor, mistreated soul!)
Mantra: See, Sue, THIS is why you need to differentiate between dialogue and thoughts in your story. Because otherwise, there is fucking CONFUSION...unless you're asshole-ish enough to actually say that outloud.
Naruto: Well, considering her track record...*Unrolls a several-foot-long scroll*
His gaze penetrated me.
Mantra: Seriously, Sue, I really don't want to hear about your weird-ass red-eye fetishes.
Naruto: Because he's a vampire and we all know their beauty is just so piercing.
As if he could see my soul.
Mantra: Ah, so he's blind.
Naruto: The vampire promptly ran out of the saloon screaming. Even creatures as sociopathic as Meyerpires can’t withstand the sheer eldritchy evil of the Sue.
It didn’t help much that I was sitting in the chair and he towered over me. He was studying me. ‘So she can hear thoughts, how intriguing.’ This was like a slap in the face.
WANGSTMUFFIN: 26
Mantra: ...What? He's not insulting you or anything! Sure, you're shocked and all, but 'slap in the face' has a very specific connotation of something personally insulting! Dude, check the MEANING of a phrase before using it!
SOS: And how WOULD he know that she can read his mind? I don't know how many times I've accidentally said my thoughts out loud.
Naruto: Magic, of course!
I didn’t register his words, but my attention was turned to something else.
Mantra: SOMEONE JUST REVEALED TO YOU THAT YOU ARE A MINDREADER
YOU JUST FOUND OUT YOU HAVE A SUPERNATURAL POWER
YOU MIGHT NOT BE FUCKING HUMAN
YOU ARE A GODDAMNED, MOTHERFUCKING MIND READER
WHAT COULD POSSIBLY DISTRACTING YOU FROM SOMETHING THIS HUGE?
BECAUSE I'D STILL BE PANICKING ABOUT IT EVEN IF A LIVE TYRANNOSAUROUS REX WAS TRYING TO EAT ME
Naruto: Ah, we could be watching Jurassic Park right now!
He had called me ‘she’ I had a name, and he very well knew it.
WANGSTMUFFIN: 27
SOS: Why would you think that? Do you know his name? Then why would he know yours?
Mantra: And we invented PRONOUNS for a fucking reason. It's AWKWARD to use someone's name all the time. It's not a fucking sign of disrespect. If he's not calling you a bitch-whore, you should be HAPPY, you fucking BITCH-WHORE.
Naruto: Seriously? There it goes again! Pick a side and commit, Sue! You either want attention or you don't!
‘At least when you are speaking, address what you are saying to me. Don’t pretend I’m not here. I hadn’t noticed that his lips hadn’t moved.
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 45
Mantra: What, now you're removing quotation marks from your fic, too? Are you on some sort of holy crusade against punctuation?
Naruto: Like e.e cummings, except stupid.
“‘I wasn’t talking to you. I was thinking.’ His lips curved into a grin. I was surprised. This time the voice had come out clearer. He had said it.
Mantra: Oh, and now mental voices are MUFFLED too? Because that explains how you managed to read the Cullen's thoughts over the clamour of a high school canteen.
Naruto: Really? ....Really? You're making THOUGHTS muffled? You can't be serious.
Then it dawned on me that he really hadn’t spoken before. I saw my stunned expression, reflected in his eyes.
SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 16
SOS: I saw my stunned expression reflected in that unnecessary comma.
Mantra: What, you don't personally FEEL stunned, and only realised that you were surprised when you saw your reflection? That's a whole new level of sociopathy right there.
Naruto: (Naomi) Hey, I can see myself in his eyes! Hi, me! Damn, I look fat. I need to throw up some more.
‘What the hell’s going on?!’ I glared at him. I guess I was the first, since he seemed slightly taken aback.
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 46
SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 17
Mantra: Nah, he's just surprised that someone as stupid as you can exist.
I can sympathise.
Naruto: (Ian) What?! A SUE?! Oh, come on! Why do I always get the damn Sues?! Can't any GOOD characters come in here anymore?!
I stood up from the chair, brushing past him, and started walking towards the door. My head was starting to ache.
WANGSTMUFFIN: 28
Mantra: Awww, does the baby have the vapours? I have some smelling salt and holy water.
Naruto: No wonder, with such low lighting, it must be putting a strain on your eyes! Again WHY does this guy need such low light?! He's a vampire, not an XP victim! He just can't have open windows, that's all!
Many small insignificant thoughts were passing through my mind. They were too fast to distinguish. I wobbled,
Mantra: I find it amusing that thoughts literally cause a Sue physical illness. I guess that explains why she's so stupid all the time.
Naruto: (Sue) Durrrrr....I'm allergic to thoughts!
but a cold, firm grip, caught me, before I staggered to the tiled floor. Even though he had helped me, I wasn’t going to thank him. Pride is a dangerous thing.”
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 50
Mantra: ...........
Yes, indeed, it's a dangerous thing. It gets you sporked, for example.
*SPORKITTY SPORK SPORK*
Naruto: You were being a bitch to him, and yet, out of the kindness of his heart, he helped you when you were in trouble…and you weren’t going to even give him the slightest modicum of gratitude because…what, that he might get prideful? Dude, he wasn’t taking pride in saving you! He just did it because it was the right fucking thing to do! If anything, you’re the only being prideful here! Thinking that you have the responsibility of teaching everyone else virtue and haughtily deciding who was deserving of your gratitude and not! In fact, what’s the count for SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE so far?
SOS: 347.
Naruto: See? You have no right calling ANYONE prideful.
Naomi laughed aloud, wiping a stay tear discreetly. But the Cullens didn’t fail to notice.
SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 18
WANGSTMUFFIN: 29
Mantra: ...what, was that supposed to be angst? Well, you failed spectacularly at conveying her PAAAAAAAAAIN, because all I saw was casual condescension and hypocrisy.
Also, people CAN laugh so much that they're crying, you know.
Naruto: (Sue) Did you notice my sadness and wangst there? Did you? Look at me! Please pay attention to me or I’ll DIE!!!
“I still glared at him with cold eyes. Feeling vulnerable used to make me angry. I hated depending on others, even for small things.
WANGSTMUFFIN: 32
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 51 (Yeah, you’re just SO self-sufficient, aren’t you? You can’t even make your own hairdressing appointment!)
Mantra: Okay, who built your house? Who made your clothes? Who grew the food you ate? Who funded the school you went to? Who taught you ballet? Face it, bitch, you live in a society where it's IMPOSSIBLE to be truly independent. If relying on others pissed you off, you'd be perpetually frozen in a state of hatred.
Naruto: I've lived on my own since I was a kid, and let me tell you, living that independently isn't easy! Sometimes I didn't even have a lot of money to buy ramen! Look lady, you have some kind of romanticized view of living on your own right now. Why do you think your manager was also your guardian? Because she is an adult and you are still a MINOR! You shouldn't even be living on your own! It's illegal in all 50 states! You're not even eighteen yet!
But I couldn’t help but notice, how his cold hand felt comfortable and relaxing against my warm skin.
Mantra: Ladies and gentlemen, please indulge me and go and place a gigantic slab of ice against your arm. Does that feel comfortable and relaxing? Good. It means you're still sane.
Naruto: Hmm.... *Does so* YOW!! That's cold!!!
I love the cold. If I could, I would love to live in Antarctica.”
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 53
Mantra: Where it falls to as low as negative 80 degrees Celsius in winter.
You know what? Go ahead.
Go and live in Antarctica.
It's absolutely neutral territory and you have enough money to buy a private jet.
No one would miss you.
Go.
NG55: I'd also like to point out that more than half of the landscape in Antarctica is completely inhospitable. Especially in the mountain regions, where it's impossible to even get close. Unless you have high-tech state of the art equipment and bundling winter clothes TEN TIMES what you would need even for a normal winter across Canada, you are SCREWED. Want to live in a cold place? Go to Russia. In fact, you've been there; it's the COLDEST COUNTRY in the world.
Mantra: No, really. Go to Antarctica. I'm sure you'll be able to handle the cold with nothing but a t-shirt. Go. Right now.
Trust me, you'd be doing everyone a favour.
Naruto: Nah, go to the Snow Country! At least there she'll be attacked by wild dogs.
Mantra: There's just an ironic poetry to her dying of cold...
“The pain in my head didn’t subside though. I saw images, flashing through my head.
WANGSTMUFFIN: 33
Mantra: WHAT? Okay, NOWHERE did we see your power work like this. It's always just bland, straightforward dialogue in complete sentences, as grammatically correct as this Suethor can manage. YOU'VE NEVER SHOWN YOUR MIND-READING AS IN THE FORMS OF SEEING FUCKING IMAGES, you're not allowed to start now!
Naruto: Jeez, just when her mind-reading powers weren't already more tacked on at the last minute to seem cool! What next? She can fly? ......Please don't tell the Suethor I said that.
It was like a movie broken into frames, too slow to flow together, but too fast to make sense.
Mantra: Translation: the average person is so far above the Sue's intelligence that she literally can't comprehend their thought sequence.
NG55: Broken down into frames? Movies ARE a series of frames put together to simulate a moving picture!
I bit my lip to prevent from crying out in pain. I had never cried in front of another person, least of all a stranger. I had never cried from falling down or hurting myself.
WANGSTMUFFIN: 35
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 55
Mantra: Oh, bullshit. You were a baby once, and you most CERTAINLY fucking cried then. And wasn't it only in Chapter 5 that you were sitting around with tears in your eyes because of your own personal Goddamned Hole?
Naruto: Boo-boo-bee-boo! Of course you must have cried! Unless you somehow have a high tolerance for pain or are unhealthy to the point of being unable to shed tears during a highly emotional moment, no. You don't get a "I never cry" pass. Enough of that!
It really was bad. It felt as if my head was about to split open. I couldn’t concentrate on my surroundings. Hot tears rolled down face.
WANGSTMUFFIN: 39
Mantra: Well, there you go. All it takes is a migraine to make you bawl like the wimp you are.
Naruto: Besides, you're a girl. You think guys have it easy if they cry?
I was squeezing my eyes. Then the pictures slowly ceased.
SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 19
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 56 (And she learns how to control her powers in…what, five minutes?)
Mantra: Aaaaand, a weak plotpoint to begin with is officially laid to waste. Can we move on now? How long IS this fucking flashback and why does anyone care?
Naruto: Ewww! Squeezing her eyes? That's just gross! I'm a ninja and all, but even I have limits!
Go Forward to Chapter 8, Part 2
Go Back to: Chapter 7