One Piece: Bound For Glory - Chapter 3 Part 1

[sos_sporkers]

Sorry, still no Rebecca Sherwood.
My friend is working on the next chapter, but she's a bit busy, so it's taking sometime.
And I apologise that this sporking isn't as funny as it should be either. The first chapter was unintentionally funny, the second was infuriating, but this one was just dull.
Nothing happens, nothing is learned, it's just one long chapter of nothingness.
I tried my best, but I'm really sorry if the sporking is sub-standard.
Anyways, enjoy!

Disclaimer: One Piece: Bound For Glory is written by Inhuman X, and can be found here: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7143147/1/One_Piece_Bound_For_Glory. I do not own the story and I do not claim any credit for it. One Piece is owned by Oda Eichiro. No copyright infringement is intended, and no profit is being made. This project is undertaken for the sole purpose of entertainment. Nanai, Caroline and James belong to me.
Fandom: One Piece
Summary of Fic: Two Stus wander around the One Piece universe whilst a bunch of villains gather together and pretend to be mysterious. They fail. Features boringness, blandness, uninterestingness and can be used for hypnotism purposes.
Rating of Fic: T
Warning for Spork: Some ranting, some coarse language, mild subtext between two female characters, mild incestuous subtext, boringness
Sporkers: Nanai, Caroline, and James

Staring at the slowly revolution of the minute hand on the clock, Caroline fought the urge to squirm in discomfort. The edge of the armrest dug into the small of her back painfully, and her legs had gone numb from the lack of activity.

Almost as soon as they entered the lounge, Nanai had climbed into her lap and fell asleep there. Trust her to keep her promise…

It wasn’t that bad to begin with, Caroline rather enjoyed cuddling with her sister. It had been a long time guilty pleasure of hers, but nearly half an hour of keeping perfectly still is undeniably painful.

She threw a glare at James, just on principle, but the young man wasn’t looking at her. He was staring at his own hands with a slightly bewildered expression.

‘What are you thinking?’ She asked, her voice coming out rather louder than she had intended.

James jumped, shoving his hands firmly in his pockets. ‘N-Nothing. I was just wondering about the whole ‘you’re in a dimension under my control’ thing…’

‘What about it?’ She demanded, unleashing her pent up frustration upon him. It wasn’t fair, of course, but it had become a habit over the years, and habits are hard to grow out of.

‘Well, there was the envelope as well…It’s…It’s just that this is all so impossible.’ James shrugged helplessly. ‘It’s magic.’

Caroline blinked. ‘Well, yes. I suppose it is pretty impossible…’

She wondered why the idea hadn’t come to her before. She had been dragged into a different dimension and kept prisoner, and yet her captor seemed to want nothing from her. True, they made her read horrible fiction, but that doesn’t seem to benefit them in anyway. In fact, she wondered why she was chosen. Surely, if that was the job they wanted done, there were plenty of English Professors they could have gotten…

What’s even stranger was that she never thought to question this before.

She had been angry, beyond angry, at first, but she seemed to accept everything far too easily…

‘Caroline?’ Mumbling sleepily, Nanai gazed up at her with groggy eyes.

Belatedly, she realised she had instinctively balled her hands into fists, digging her fingers into Nanai’s shoulder in the process. ‘Oh, sorry.’ She muttered, quickly letting go and petting the younger girl’s hair.

‘What’s the matter?’

‘Well, James's been saying-‘

With perfect timing, the megaphone blared. ‘Sporkers, please proceed back to the Sporking Room. Your break is over.’

Caroline cursed. ‘I’ll tell you later. James has got an interesting theory…’

Sitting up, the younger girl rubbed at her eyes. ‘Okay…Well, let’s get going then.’

‘I just hope this chapter has the decency to be short…’

Chapter 3: The Gathering:

Nanai: *Yawns* Is something going to happen in this chapter? Are we going to get any plot?

Caroline: I won’t be holding my breath.

Sitting down in his thrown the mystery man who ate the Omni-Omni Fruit, seven years ago, awaited for the arrival of his soon to be army.

Nanai: *Sleepy smile* ‘Thrown’ is a noun now? I wonder what it looks like…

James: *Stares* It appears that the author have heard the complaint about his neglect of the comma, and has decided to start throwing it in at random. That’s…really not that much better.

Caroline: *Facepalm* Did he proclaim that he wanted to be the Pirate King? Then why is he gathering an army? You’d think he’d want a crew more, since you kind of have to be a pirate, to be the PIRATE King. And why is it taking him seven years to gather an army? He’s pretty much got omnipotence as a power! I’m sure plenty of people would be more than willing to join him, since he’s pretty much guaranteed to win! What, was he sitting with his thumb up his butt for six years? Or was he delaying his epic plan solely so the heroes could catch up to him? *Pauses* Oh god, did I just call those sociopaths heroes?

Nanai: Or he spent six years being thrown, and just got the chance to sit down?

James: And, author, this is a very bad way to build mystery. As it is, I’m not that interested in the name of this ‘mystery man’ at all! You know why? Because we already know everything about him that pertains to the plot! We know his power, we know his goals and we know how he wants to achieve them! Withholding his name is really not a great way to create tension, because you already spoiled your own fic for us!

Nanai: Wow…so much ranting just for the first sentence! We’re never going to get through this…

Caroline: It’s not my fault that the Stuthor’s intelligence degrades even when it started at zero!

James: Okay, guys! Let’s just move on!

Even if he did have all the power in the world he could never be too careful.

Caroline: Which is why you didn’t bother to prepare at all for SIX FUCKING YEARS! *Breathes heavily*

He rested his chin on his fist as one of them walked in.

James: One of…whom? Am I supposed to know this? Is it clarified in the first chapter?

Caroline: The author has gone from hand-holding to expecting his readers to read his mind. *Scowls* Just because your first style was despicable, doesn’t mean the complete opposite of it would be good!

"Awww...seems like you've arrived first."

Caroline: It only seems like that though. He didn’t actually arrive first.

James: And what is that ‘have’ doing there? He just walked through the door! There’s no necessity for pluperfect tense!

Caroline: And…that’s not very threatening. Villains cooing menacingly can be done, but it much harder in prose form, since most villains give of that sinister feeling through subtle body language, which is hard to convey without hitting the readers over the head with SUBTLETY. And in this case, the scene falls flat on its face. He sounds like a petulant three year old, not the leader of a ‘soon-to-be’ fearsome army.

The man watched a four foot three male

James: And we care about his height…why? Also, author, I know everyone in the One Piece universe can be said to be deformed in some way, but making your villains painfully short really robs them of the menace factor. It’s hard to be intimidated by someone who’s level with your chest.

Nanai: Given this Stuthor’s apparent grasp of grammar and capitalisation, are we sure Four and Three Male aren’t names? And the man is watching two of his underlings kickboxing?

Caroline: No, that’s far too interesting for this Stuthor. Remember, last chapter we had two guys stand around and talk whilst a village is being brutally pillaged.

Nanai: Aw…I liked my mental image…

walked into the shadows and sat down.

Nanai: *Yawns*

James: I hate that cliché. Why are they conferencing in a shadow filled room? Isn’t it much more utilitarian to install some light bulbs? I mean, they use it in movies so they won’t spoil who’s on the counsel! In prose form, you can just not describe anyone! It’s not like your fic has been that detailed to begin with! And I doubt there are any spoiler-worthy people on this counsel. One Piece isn’t exactly known for its use of moles…

Caroline: The Stuthor cribs shamelessly from movies so he doesn’t have to do any work, copying the unnecessary part in the process. Just like how he can’t be bothered to come up with his own character! And yes, I’m still not over that! Gah!

He was soon followed by five others.

Caroline: Who we shall hear nothing about because the Stuthor got bored with all that stupid description stuff. Who cares if the readers can’t visualise anything? That’s their fault for nothing being telepathic!

Nanai: *Giggles* The way the Stuthor said it, I got the impression that the six men are exactly identical…like oompa-loompas…

Caroline: Don’t bring good fiction into this! The Stuthor’s plagiarising enough without your help!

They were all concealed in the shadows.

James: Because Captain Omnipotence can’t afford to buy any light bulbs.

Looking down the man began to speak,

Nanai: Just how far up was he? Unless the ‘thrown’ was a levitating rocket chair, he shouldn’t have to intentionally ‘look down’ to see the others!

Caroline: And what do you mean ‘began to speak’? He was talking two lines ago! Consistency, Stuthor! Keep your focus for TWO GODDAMNED LINES!

"My name is Xander Wes.

James: …Well, so much for the mystery. Why did the author even bother with all the build up? He’s not a main character! Why keep his name hidden in the first place if you’re going to introduce it like that? Why is even the point?

Nanai: …Xander? *Stares* Did the Stuthor just rip off Buffy the Vampire Slayer? That…that is OBSCENE! Isn’t it enough that you ruin ONE Fandom? YOU KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF BUFFY, YOU LITTLE-

Caroline: Calm down, Nanai. He’s the villain here, right? So, at least he’s still fighting against horrible abominations for the good of humanity…

Nanai: He’s fighting against a Stu, though, so he’s doomed to failure…unless he managed to acquire a Spork somehow…

Caroline: A Spork?

Nanai: It’s the only thing that hurts these things, you know! That’s why we’re here and all…

Caroline: You mean, us doing this is actually weakening the Stu?

Nanai: Yeah…you didn’t know?

Caroline: *Turn back to the screen with fierce glint in eyes* Of course not. If I knew, I would have been much more rigorous in my efforts to send this thing where it belongs.

Do you know why all of you are here?" He asked.

James: That depends, doesn’t it? Have you told them before? Or can you remember anymore?

Caroline: Given the Stuthor’s apparent attention span, I wouldn’t be surprised.

Nanai: (Shadow Figure) Yes. We do. Because we have a telepathic link to you and all.

"Why?" One of the shadow figures asked.

James: *Facepalm* Why did you even bother to ask if you clearly haven’t told them? Just making conversation? You’re the villains! Do something! Villains ACT!

Nanai: Ah, but if they acted, then they might cut in on the Stu’s mass-murdering time, so of course their dithering along for the convenience of the Stus.

"Simply because I need your assistance." Xander stated.

James: …Are you going to explain at all? Are you just dragging this out on purpose for kicks? Why bother bringing up a topic if you’re only going to answer in the vaguest way possible?

Caroline: Because he’s a pretentious prick. And because this is what the Stuthor considers good Drama. *Scoffs*

Nanai: You know, it’d be a nice change just to have someone say something. There’s nothing wrong with the word, after all…

"For what?"
"For my plans."

James: They do not have a telepathic bond to you! If you’re going to explain, then explain! Stop dithering around! And stop wasting my time! This is utterly boring! It’s not suspenseful! It’s not even entertaining! It didn’t make sense when movie villains strictly spoke in code, and it looks even more stupid on paper! Gah!

"What plans?" A third asked.
"You don't need to know." Xander replied.

James: Then why did you bring the topic up? Why? If you didn’t want to say anything about it, then why the bloody hell bring it up?

Caroline: Hey! Don’t you dare swear in front of my sister!

James: Look at that! I have ample reason to swear! That is stupidity personified!

"What if we say no?" One of the previous shadows asked.

Nanai: …These people are pretty accepting. A random guy they’ve never seen before call them together for a highly dubious meeting, and wants them to throw their lives on the lines for him for absolutely no reason, and refuses to explain his motive, and they might say no? You’d think they’d refuse just on principle.

Caroline: This is taking You Can’t Fail Step One to a whole new level…of stupidity, that is.

"Well that's going to be hard considering that I now own the World Goverment."

Nanai: …what?

James: Wait, what?

Caroline: He owns…the government? *Jaw drops* HE OWN THE FUCKING GOVERNMENT? EXCUSE ME, BUT HE OWNS THE FUCKING GOVERNMENT? Author, let me point out something very, very important to you. THE GOVERNMENT IN ONE PIECE IS AN OPPRESSIVE PIECE OF SHIT! IT’S RULED BY MEN WHO ARE SO GREEDY FOR POWER THAT THEY MURDERED AN ENTIRE NATION FOR IT! IT LUSTS AFTER WEAPONS OF DESTRUCTION! AND YOU THINK THEY’D JUST HAND OVER POWER LIKE THAT TO A RANDOM NOBODY? EVEN IF THE GUY HAS ALL THE SUPERPOWERS IN THE WORLD, THEY COULD STILL KICK HIS ASS, JUST LIKE HOW ZORO MADE IT INTO THE NEW WORLD WITHOUT ANY POWERS AT ALL! NOT TO MENTION, JUST BECAUSE SOME MARINES ARE LESS THAN SAVOURY, DOESN’T MEAN THEY’RE ALL AMORAL BASTARDS! THE MAJORITY OF THEM HAVE QUITE RIGID MORALS! IF SOMEONE WHO DREAMS OF BECOMING THE PIRATE KING SOMEHOW TOOK OVER THE GOVERNMENT, THEY’D FUCKING MUTINY! AND DON’T YOU DARE SAY IT’S BECAUSE HE’S SO SECRETIVE THAT THEY DON’T KNOW ABOUT HIS TAKEOVER, BECAUSE SOMEONE WHO WANT’S TO BE THE PIRATE KING IS GOING TO WANT VASTLY DIFFERENT POLICIES IN PLACE! AND THAT SORT OF THING GETS NOTICED! AND THE WORLD GOVERNMENT IS FUCKING HUGE! IT RULES OVER THE WHOLE WORLD! KINGS AND EMPERORS HAVE TO BOW TO IT! YOU DON’T JUST GAIN CONTROL OF IT IN SEVEN YEARS! ESPECIALLY NOT IF YOU’RE TOO INCOMPETENT TO PUT TOGETHER AN ARMY IN THAT TIME! AND WHY THE FUCK WOULD HE EVEN WANT TO OWN THE WORLD GOVERNMENT! THE ONLY WAY TO BECOME THE PIRATE KING IS TO SAIL THE GRAND LINE! IF HE WAS RUNNING THE WHOLE FUCKING WORLD, WHEN WOULD HE FIND TIME TO SEARCH FOR THE LEGENDARY TREASURE? WHAT THE FUCK? AND IF HE WAS SOMEHOW CUNNING ENOUGH TO COMPLETELY TAKE CONTROL OF THE GOVERNMENT, THEN DON’T YOU THINK THAT’S AN IMPORTANT DETAIL TO SHOW THE READERS? SHOW US HOW HE MANIPULATED THE POLITICIANS AGAINST EACH OTHER! SHOW US HOW HE PLACATED THE MARINE OFFICERS! SHOW US HOW HE COWED THE KINGS INTO SUBMISSION! YOU CAN’T JUST TELL THE READERS, ‘OH YEAH, THE VILLAIN TOTALLY TOOK OVER THE WORLD OFFSCREEN’ AND EXPECT US TO ROLL WITH IT! SHOW, DAMMIT, SHOW!

Nanai: That and, even if he did have control of the World Government, the ‘Shadow Figures’ still wouldn’t necessarily listen to him anyways! They weren’t exactly know for being the most obedient little lap dogs in canon! They pointed ignored the orders of the World Government plenty of times! If they thought a venture wouldn’t benefit them, they wouldn’t even show up! However, I really don’t think you want to read this Stuthor writing about politics. It might just…make whatever happened to you last chapter happen again.

Caroline: *Shakes head* I don’t think I’ve ever seen any sentence do a better job of pissing me off…This Stuthor seems to have it in for my profession.

Nanai: Take comfort. At least you’re not a pirate.

Caroline: *Shudders*

"Wait what?" One of them yelled as they all began to whisper and murmur amongst each other, "How'd you gain control of the World Goverment?"

James: Yes! A sane person!

Caroline: Finally! Someone calls the Stu out on his shit!

Nanai: And you just know he’s going to get bashed for his efforts…*Pouts*

"I'm just that good. I'm a good negotiator." Xander chuckled,

Caroline: *Stares in muted horror*

Nanai: *Glances at Caroline in alarm*

Caroline: I…I…I don’t think it’s possible to put this amount of fury into words, so James, please rant for me.

James: Uh…right. *Takes deep breath* Why don’t we start at the beginning? Stuthor, most stories revolve around the villain taking over the world. Here? You have him do so off screen, and the only explanation we are offered is that ‘he is just that good’. That is not a good way to write. You could show the villain take over the government like Caroline suggested in her last rant, and thus establish the intelligence and ruthlessness of the villain. Or even create a whole story around it with him as the protagonist. Or, you could at least explain how he achieved such a thing, throw a bone to your readers. However, that excuse right there is the most blatant cop-out I have ever seen. You want your villain to be threatening and have lots of power, but you have no idea how to do it. So you gave him control over the whole world, ignoring that it is most villain’s entire goal, and hand wave how he actually got control of it. So, as it is, it leaves the readers with a whole bunch of unanswered questions, and, as a result, your villain ceases to be intimidating. Secondly, a negotiator is just that. They are people who look at a problem, and try to arrive at a COMPROMISE. Negotiations imply peaceful debates! Are you seriously asking us to believe that the World Government handed over all of its power over a few negotiations? I get that you’re trying to make the villain seem evil by underplaying things, but that word choice was just unfortunate. The canon World Government was ruled by a bunch of ruthless dicks, and if your villain tried to ‘negotiate’ their power out of their hands, he’d find himself drawn and quartered. Thirdly, your villain wants to become the Pirate King. Why is being the Pirate King so alluring? Because it brings fame, wealth and renown. Three things that he can get easily by ruling the world. Author, your villain already has the whole world under his rule. He could literally do anything he wanted! Why on earth is he still trying to become the Pirate King? What is even the point anymore? He’s just doing it for kicks now!

Caroline: You…put that much more civilly than I would’ve done, but let’s move on now. I have a feeling I’m going to start stabbing my own eyes out if we linger over that sentence any longer…

"Now why is there only six of you?"

Nanai: Uh, only THREE showed up in the canonical meeting, and they were discussing the death of one of their members then. If you randomly called a meeting, and didn’t specify your purpose, then you’re lucky ANY came. Get this, the Shichibukai aren’t loyal! Their activities are partly commissioned by the government, and they tolerate each other, but they don’t follow government orders at all!

Caroline: Obviously, the absence of any of them is an affront to his ego. *Sneers* Next thing you know, he’d be demanding that they lick his boots…

Nanai: Caroline, you really shouldn’t tempt fate.

Caroline: *Facepalm* And the Stuthor would do it too, with a completely straight face…

"Because the Shark King thinks he is going to take over the East Blue.

James: I find it hard to accept that just because the government is run by a different person now, no marine officers are trying to hunt him down…Most of them joined in canon for a chance to stand up to the pirates, you know! If the World Government stop caring about pirate activity, they’d just leave and form a vigilante group.

Nanai: Ooh! I like that image! They would totally have an army of Batman…

Caroline: …right. Also, given the level of resistance we saw from the villagers earlier, I’d say he’s doing a great job taking over East Blue. *Sighs* Everyone in this story is a condescending asshole, huh? Damn…

He believes that he left us, but truley we kicked him out." One of the shadows asked.

James: …Then why wasn’t there a question mark? Most questions have them…seeing as they’re questions and all.

Caroline: Punctuation has long deserted this story. Haven’t you noticed?

James: Well, yes, but it hasn’t been nearly this bad before…

Nanai: *Tilts head* That sentence…Doesn’t it sound like such an epic flounce? ‘You can’t fire me, I quit’ and all? It makes the villains seem like two year olds. *In a whiny voice* No! You can’t leave us! We kick you out! Hah! *Sticks her tongue out*

Caroline: Since when has any character shown any sign of maturity in this fic?

Nanai: It’s still a nice image though…

"Well...no matter." Xander looked over at the four foot man and grinned, "So you guys are now mine.

James: Uh…I’m not going to say anything, but that line…um…can be easily misinterpreted.

Caroline: And if you are wise, you will cease making such insinuations immediately!

You are going to stay where you are within the Grand Line and wait for orders of where I want you. When I send you there, you go there without question. Understood?"

James: Seriously, this guy has a huge roleplay kink-

Caroline: *Hissing* SHUT UP!

Nanai: …I’m going to imagine him telling that to the canon Shichibukai. Ah, the new generation is made up of pussies…

Caroline: And stop repeating those words! Just because some *sharp glance at James* are uncouth enough to say it, doesn’t mean they should be imitated!

"As long as I get to fight I'll be okay!"

James: *Long-suffering sigh* Because that’s exactly how you climb up the Pirating ladder. By beating up everything and everyone you come across. Strength is a big factor, especially in One Piece, but to become a Shichibukai, you needed more than that! You’re essentially working for the common enemy of pirates! You’re going to get the entire pirating population after your blood! And you can’t trust the World Government to watch your back! You’d need more mettle than brute strength!

Nanai: I just love the implication that he won’t be ‘okay’ if he doesn’t get to fight. It must be a common disease in Shonen comics, Fight Dependency Syndrome, perhaps? If he doesn’t brawl with someone every hour, he’ll have a stroke? *Giggles*

One of the figures stood leaning into the light,

James: …why? I thought they turned down the light for the purpose of remaining secret! If they had no compunctions against showing their face, then why sit in the dark? Are our theories about the light bulb actually true?

Nanai: He…leaned in to the light. He didn’t walk into the light, he leaned into it. I’m imagining him standing at 45 degrees to the ground, defying all gravity, just so the Stuthor can get a nice shot…

they all saw his green spikey hair and his purple eyes, along with his over muscular body.

Caroline: Oh, great, Anime Nineties Anti-Heroes. *Sighs* And I thought Anime Jesus was the worse it could possibly get…

James: What do you guys read in your spare time?

Nanai: Caroline’s browser history said something about ‘Subjugation’…

Caroline: What were you doing checking my browser history!?

Nanai: *Shrugs* I…uh…play with stuff…

Caroline: …We’re using separate computers NOW!

"Calm down." Xander looked at the large man who sat back down with an evil grin,

James: Because he’s evil you see. I thought the whole secret council and sitting in darkness thing wasn’t obvious enough, so I just had to make sure you guys got it. He’s evil. Oh dear, how would we ever manage without the author telling us these things?

Caroline: This guys is clearly being portrayed as an overly-eager blood-knight…and as soon as the Villain Stu opens his mouth, he just meekly obeys? What the hell? Even the World Government didn’t have that much authority! If anything, he should be challenging the Villain Stu to a fight now!

"You may now all leave."

Nanai: *Sniffs* I hate how he reduces the Shichibukai to a bunch of simpering slaves. They were cool in canon, because they didn’t take anything from anyone. They were spitting in the face of both pirates and the world government, and getting away with it! *Pouts* These guys are a bunch of sissies who didn’t get bullied enough at school…

All of them stood and walked away,

James: Because pirates are known for their respect for authority.

Xander kept a close eye on all of the Shichibukai that left,

James: …why? What’s he suspecting them of? They been on stellar behaviour for the entire meeting, didn’t speak up or talk back once, and agreed to help him despite having no idea what they just promised to do, and obeyed all of his orders! You can’t reduce the Shichibukai to a bunch of loyal Renfields, and still have their employer be wary of them! Gah!

Caroline: What, are there some Shichibukai that didn't leave? Were they hanging around for the after party?

James: God, my brain is breaking from the stupid…

Nanai: Hey! Hold it together! You’ve gotten yourself into this mess, so you’re staying with us until the bitter end!

though the four foot one passed by him strangley.

Caroline: *Squints* What language is that?

James: I…have no idea.

Caroline: Seriously, I’ll give five dollars to anyone who can figure out what the hell that sentence said.

Meanwhile...

Caroline: Gah! What is with these location and time jumps? They’re jarring and they break any semblance of immersion! Don’t do that!

Nanai: We can’t afford to pass the time smoothly and gradually! That would take far too much effort! Effort that could be spent making the prose as awkward as possible!

Caroline: An exceedingly successful venture, if an incomprehensible one.

"Well Rag Doll we still don't know what's he up too.

Nanai: Rag Doll? The villain is named Rag Doll? *Snickers*

James: There are plenty of dolls that qualify as Nightmare Fuel, thank you.

Nanai: Well, I know! But naming a grown man Rag Doll? *Giggles*

Caroline: I know someone who named their son after the Chinese word for ‘rapist’…And they lived in China.

Nanai: *Stares* I pity the poor kid.

This better be a good deal you two are making. I don't like being left out on information." Two men stood off in the shadows, the four foot man known as Rag Doll.

James: …Is the author going to explain anything? At all? Creating suspense is one thing, withholding ALL information is another!

Caroline: And is his height that important? Actually, what is up with this Stuthor and the height of villains? We’ve barely received any description about the Shichibukai apart from their heights!

Nanai: Hey, I can think of several other measurements he could give, but I definitely don’t want to hear.

Caroline: …Nanai. Never talk to James again. I mean it.

James: *Facepalm* Don’t you think you should throw away your magazines first?

Caroline: Shut up and mind your own business!

He was slim, yet somewhat muscular, his whole body was wrapped from head to toe in bandages,

James: Then how can you tell he was muscular? This doesn’t make any sense!

Nanai: I was just thinking it must be a pain to shower like that…or eat…or go to the toilet. You’d have to unwind the whole thing and rewind it afterwards…

Caroline: And why is he named Rag Doll if he looks like a traditional mummy? One Piece villains are eccentric, but their nicknames usually fit with their nature!

Nanai: Maybe his superpower is wrapping fabric around himself super fast? *Daydreams*

he only wore a orange jacket, and some jean shorts.

James: …And I am a much better person for knowing that.

Caroline: Look, Stuthor, we appreciate your attempts are being descriptive, but you missed two very important things about description. Firstly, you can’t heap a bunch of unrelated attributes on a character. Letting the viewers visualise things is important, but all of the traits have to relate back to the character’s nature! Sanji in One Piece wore mostly suits, because he’s a suave lady’s man, and dressing sharply is the best way to convey that. Luffy wore open-front shirts, because he’s hardy and unaffected by the environment, and very boisterous! Here? These little details tell me NOTHING about the character! This is called the Barbie Syndrome, and it is NOT GOOD! Secondly, if you’re trying to be descriptive, then you should focus on the setting far more than the characters. The setting establishes the atmosphere and the tone, and tells us where the characters are in relation to things! What the character is wearing, on the other hand, doesn’t affect anything! We don’t need to know! God, this is infuriating!

"Well...you're not much the talker.

Nanai: …Well, they’re clearly speaking in code now. Because that is not English.

James: I wonder what ‘talker’ stands for…

Caroline: James! Stop doing that! That was disgusting!

James: …No. You’re mind is disgusting. It never even occurred to me before you bought it up!

Caroline: *Flustered* It’s all your fault! Stop bringing up things like that!

I'll go make some more deals then."

James: *Facepalm* That…sounds like a 40-year-old mother at the supermarket. *In high-pitched voice* Oh! I got such a great deal today! I’ll have to make some more!

The person who stood in front of Rag Doll was none other than Balthazar Hawk.

Nanai: Who is…? Are we meant to know this person? That’s the first time the name came up!

Caroline: Remember, if you can’t read the author’s mind, you’re just not trying hard enough.

Nanai: We don’t even know who he is, and yet the Stuthor’s clearly expecting us to be in awe of the name! It really doesn’t work that way! You have to SHOW!

He stood at exactly six foot,

Caroline: Because the narrator carries a tape measure at all times.

Nanai: And because that information is simply vital to the plot.

he had peach skin,

James: …what?

Nanai: His skin is made out of peaches?

James: I…think the Stuthor meant pink skin…but, what?

Nanai: Let’s not presume anything.

with short dirty blonde hair, he has brown eyes.

Caroline: You already said ‘he has’ at the start of the sentence! Don’t repeat it! Can’t you keep your focus for one goddamned sentence now? *Rubs head* I apologise for comparing this Stuthor to goldfish. It was a grave insult to goldfishes.

He wore a grey V neck with a black leather jacket, jean pants,

Nanai: *Snickers*

and some black shoes. His bounty: 310,000,000.

Caroline: Uh…we need to know this, why? And no, throwing a large number out there as his bounty doesn’t make us respect him anymore. Bounties are not given according to strength, but how much of a threat a certain person is to the government. For all we know, he could be completely harmless, just in possession of some embarrassing photographs. If you don’t tell us what he did to warrant that bounty, we’re not going to be very impressed.

With that Balthazar left.

James: …And the point of this scene was? We’ve already seen the villains conferencing and being all evil and menacing! We don’t need another scene to hammer home the fact that the villains are preparing something!

Caroline: And you describe characters at the beginning of a scene! You don’t dump a whole paragraph of description on us and end on that note! It’s too fucking random! *Slams fists on table*

On a Marine Base...

Caroline: AND STOP DOING JUMPS LIKE THAT! *Screams*

"Fleet Admiral Smith!" A Captain rushed through the the hallways until he had reached the Fleet Admiral's quaters.

James: As implied by the fact that he called the Fleet Admiral’s name! Where else is he going to run to? The toilet?

Then sitting down in his chair a bald headed fair skinned man rested.

Nanai: The Captain sat down in the Fleet Admiral’s chair? The chair is bald and fair skinned? The chair is rested? What?

James: And of course he’s bald-headed! Where else is he going to be bald? God!

"What do you want Captain Matthews?"

James: No. He wants Fleet Admiral Smith.

The deep voiced man asked

Nanai: Just how many men are there? There’s Captain Matthews, Fleet Admiral Smith, the bald man, and this deep-voiced man. Stuthor, you have to make some effort to show us that some of these are the same people! And use the same adjectives to describe a character that we’re seeing for the first time! Especially if we’re not given a name! *Sighs* My head hurts…

as he turned around and stared at the Captain with his steel blue eyes.

Caroline: …Steel is generally not blue. And where was he facing to begin with? See? That’s why you have to describe the setting before the characters! Otherwise, we have no idea what they’re doing!

The Captain was looking at Fleet Admiral John Smith.

James: As implied by the fact that the Admiral was STARING AT HIM! WITH HIS EYES! GAH!

Nanai: *Sighs* Stuthor, in the case of a story, repetition is most certainly NOT key.

He was six foot three,

James: WE DON’T CARE!

and was fairly muscular.

James: HAVE WE SEEN ANY CHARACTER THAT’S NOT ‘FAIRLY MUSCULAR’? SO WHY DOES THAT FACT EVEN NEED TO BE REPEATED? ESPECIALLY WHEN ‘FAIRLY’ IS A COMPARATIVE ADJECTIVE!

Caroline: Well, the Stuthor only knows one way of describing people, so he’s determined to make up in quantity what he lacked in quality. *Snorts*

He stood up wearing a navy blue shirt with a golden star outlined in white in the middle under his large white Marines jacket,

Caroline: He doesn’t need to wear a uniform, see, because he’s just that awesome.

Nanai: Am I the only one who thinks this Stuthor has no taste in fashion?

Caroline: Most certainly not. A demented guinea pig can pick out better outfits than him.

his shirt was tucked into his black training pants that were buttoned up on the side, and he wore black sneakers.

Nanai: You’re right, you know. Every character so far has been introduced in exactly the same way. We’re told their height, and their hair and eye colours if they’re unusual, and then we’re given a detailed account of exactly what the character is wearing. All the while, the setting is firmly neglected. And the Stuthor probably think this is good too…*Sighs*

"Well sir...all of the Shichibukai had a meeting with the new head of the World Goverment."

Caroline: Right. So the marines know about the takeover. So…Why on earth aren’t they doing anything? They signed up to fight pirates! They joined to protect people! Now that the government is ‘negotiated’ into the hands of a pirate, why aren’t they rebelling? People have principles! We’ve seen countless times that there are plenty of selfless marines who have strong moral fibres! They will be PISSED! You really expect the readers to just accept that the marines will work loyally for whoever pays them, including letting innocent villages be pillaged without lifting a hand to help? YOU MORON!

"So? How's that my problem? How's that a problem at all?"

Caroline: YOUR GOVERNMENT HAS BEEN TAKEN OVER! YOU’RE THE HEAD OF THE BIGGEST DIVISION! YOU’RE THE HEAD OF THE ONLY OPERATION THAT THE WORLD GOVERNMENT PERFORMS PERSONALLY! YOU’RE JOB DESCRIPTION IS FIGHTING PIRATES! SOMEONE WITH PIRATE SYMPATHIES JUST GODDAMNED TOOK OVER YOUR GOVERNMENT! ARE YOU SERIOUSLY GOING TO JUST STAND BY AND LET HIM DO WHATEVER? WHAT ABOUT THE PEOPLE BEING ROBBED AND KILLED? WHAT ABOUT THE CRIME RATES? WHAT ABOUT ALL THE YOUNG PEOPLE GOING OUT TO BECOME PIRATES, CREATING LABOUR SHORTAGES? WHAT ABOUT ALL THE OTHER MYRIAD SOCIAL PROBLEMS? OF FUCKING COURSE LETTING A PRIATE RUN THE GOVERNMENT IS A PROBLEM! AND AS SOMEONE WHOSE SOLE RESPONSIBILITY IS KEEPIGN THE PIRATE POPULATION DOWN, OF FUCKING COURSE YOU HAVE TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! ESPECIALLY WHEN YOUR SUBORDINATE JUST REPORTS THAT A BUNCH OF INFAMOUS PIRATES JUST GOT TOGETHER WITH THE CURRENT HEAD OF GOVERNMENT FOR A SECRET PLAN! YOU FUCKING IDIOT!

Nanai: I liked the canon marines because they’re good people! Because they’re smart and loyal and compassionate! *Sulks* Despite the canon characters not even appearing ,the Stu still finds some way of bashing them…

"Well sir, they are all leaving the Grand Line and heading out towards the Blue's,

James: Um…why? What is Xander’s plan? To stop the Shark King? Why would the Shichibukai be so happy to just LEAVE Grand Line? That is the only way to access their goal, and most of them have major operations in the Grand Line! Even if you’re the head of government, there’s no way you can force them to abandon all of their projects and interests to help you swipe out a pest! And the Shichibukai had HUGE crews! Why are they attending to the problem personally? You’d think they’d be able to amass enough help to take care of any problem by proxy! Author, START MAKING SENSE! Suspension of disbelief can only go so far! You have to actually TRY!

and in the meantime one of them has started to take over the East Blue."

Caroline: If by started, you mean acquired the financial resources of god knows how many islands, and completely tamed the local marines!

Nanai: It really doesn’t work, you know. If he was weak enough to have such a wimpy first mate, how on earth did he ever accomplish anything? I mean, the Stus defeated him effortlessly! Even Luffy struggled against Arlong! You can’t build up your villains like that and expect the readers to accept that the main characters can easily pwn them! If you want threatening villains, then you need to make bad things happen to your main characters! *Scowls*

"Is that all?" John asked annoyed.

James: …Who’s John? Have we seen that name anywhere before? Did he just randomly teleport into the Fleet Admiral’s office? Why’s he there? Is that his only line? KEEP THINGS CONSISTENT, AUTHOR! IF YOU HAVEN’T TOLD US THE FIRST NAME OF A CHARACTER, DON’T EXPECT US TO KNOW IT! GAH!

Caroline: AND ALL OF THE NOTE-WORTHY PIRATES ARE FLOCKING TO ONE PLACE! THE SHICHIBUKAI ARE CONGREGATING TOGETHER FOR REASONS YOU DO NOT KNOW OF! AND ONE OF THEM IS TRYING TO TAKE OVER A QUARTER OF THE FUCKING WORLD! WHAT IS YOUR JOB AGAIN? WHAT ARE YOU BEING PAID TO DO? WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH YOU!?

"I was told to inform you that the Shark King is making everyone in East Blue pay taxes, and if they resist they are slaughtered."
"Hmph, anything else?" John grunted dissatisfied.

Caroline: CIVILLIANS ARE BEING ROBBED AND MURDERED! INNOCENT PEOPLE ARE BEING HURT! HOMES ARE BEING DESTROYED! ECONOMIES ARE BEING RUINED! YOUR JOB IS TO MAINTAIN THE PEACE AND MAKE SURE NO PIRATES GET TOO UPPITY! WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING ANYTHING? WHY? WHY? FOR GOD’S SAKE, WHY?

Nanai: *Worried* Caroline? You might want to calm down a little…

"The new head of the World Goverment wants you to go handle him quickly sir."

James: Why? He might be trying to remove competition, except he wants to become the Pirate King. As in, he should be sailing the Grand Line. The Shark King just want a bunch of money, and is keeping out of Xander’s territory. So why is he wasting energy and connections to try and get rid of him? What’s in it for him?

Nanai: Nah, it’s just a cheap way to make sure the Stus and him meet up. *Facepalm* Even when their characterisations are so limited as to be non-existent, the Stuthor still somehow makes them act out of character to the convenience of the plot. That takes talent, you know.

Caroline: Talent I would not be proud of having.

"Whatever, why don't you send the normal Admiral to do it?"

James: NORMAL Admiral? You mean they’ve got an army of freak Admirals back there?

Caroline: The Stuthor clearly though the Fleet Admiral is a special branch of Admirals, simply because he has the word in this title. Wow, I don’t think I’ve encountered stupidity this baffling outside of an election year, ever…

"I would sir, but this is a direct order from the new head."
"Huh...fine I'll go." John walked from behind his desk and left.

Nanai: And why is he making the Fleet Admiral go? They’re not meant to be on the front lines! The Fleet Admirals deal with the larger strategy and specialise in balancing the big picture! Why are you sending one of your most important officers on the front lines? They’re not exactly expendable, you know!

James: And of course he walked from behind his desk to leave! What else is he going to do? Phase through his desk? STOP HOLDING OUR HANDS, STUTHOR! WE CAN FUCKING READ!

Caroline: James! Language! Nanai’s here!

James: It’s a bit too late now, considering how many F-bombs you dropped!

Nanai: Guys! Stop now! Focus on the fic! Don’t attack each other!

Next stop, East Blue.

James: *Sighs* God, when is this thing going to end? I swear, this chapter feels ten times longer than the last one…

Caroline: And don’t break the fourth wall in your narration! It’s unprofessional! Fourth wall breakage is to be used for humour! Not handholding! Have you read a single book in your life?

Nanai: I’m willing to bet that the Stuthor considers reading ‘See, Spot, Run’ a great mental exercise.

Caroline: I don’t take bets I know I’ll lose.

Go Forward to: Chapter 3, Part 2

Go Back to: Chapter 2, Part 2