One Piece: Bound For Glory - Chapter 5 Part 1
I'm sorry for the lack of updates. My internet has still yet to be fixed, and I've been quite busy lately with exams.
Here's another chapter of the Stu fic, and I promise a new Rebecca chapter is on the way.
All members of my little Sporking group are busy right now, so updates may become much more sporadic.
Also, the quality of this Sporking is also not that high. We've basically regressed back to the Chapter 3, where a very long, drawn out, and completely boring action scene takes up an entire chapter.
I've honestly tried, but there's just no way to make this funny, because it's so damned repetitive.
Hopefully, things pick up again in the next Sporking.
Meanwhile, please enjoy~
Disclaimer: One Piece: Bound For Glory is written by Inhuman X, and can be found here: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7143147/1/One_Piece_Bound_For_Glory. I do not own the story, and claim no credit for it. One Piece belongs to Oda Eichiro. No copyright infringement is intended and no profit is being made off of this sporking. This project is undertaken for the sole sake of entertainment.
Summary of Fic: A group of Stus wander around the One Piece universe, happily raping canon and pissing on all the aesops canon taught. Features gratuitious action scenes which somehow manage to be boring and infuriating at the same time, rampant sociopathy, BAD writing, and mountains and mountains of stupidity.
Rating of Fic: T
Warning for Spork: Coarse language, long Capslocked ranting, mild innuendos, very mild subtext between two female characters, non-explicit violence
Sporkers: Nagare and Mantra, with The Voice guest-staring.
Here we go, then:
The Sporking room was once again empty as the megaphone clicked on.
‘Well, viewers, here’s another chapter of this tripe. Unfortunately, I still don’t have any Sporkers on hand, so I’ll probably have to do this alone, again. I hope you appreciate this. This thing is damned painful.’ It paused.
‘I might get away with zapping in some of the resting Sporkers, though…But this chapter is quite short. I’m sure I’ll be able to make it.’
It chuckled lowly, mirthlessly. ‘Well, let’s get going then.’
Chapter 5: Wind and Lightning:
The Voice: For all its faults, this fic does have some pretty nice chapter names. Pity, really.
"So you're a doctor?" David asked in awe as he, Chase, and Riru walked side by side.
The Voice: I…I…what? Just…what? I…*Voice suddenly stony* you know what? Screw this. I’m getting someone else in here.
*A bright flash appear in the Sporking room. When the light fades, Nagare and Mantra are seated on the couch, both rather surprised and confused*
Nagare: *Leaps out of seat with weapons in hand* What the fuck is going on?
Mantra: *Sighs* Oh, it’s this shit again…
Nagare: *Pauses and surveys the room* Oh, fantastic. What has that Rebecca bitch got up to this time? Can’t this fucking thing wait? We were in the middle of sparring!
The Voice: Actually, the fic you are about to spork is not a part of the Rebecca Sherwood series. It is set in the One Piece universe, and features Stus, instead of Sues.
Mantra: *Drily* Well, doesn’t that just make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside?
Nagare: How the fuck did you get us in here anyways?
Mantra: Don’t bother. The entire dimension’s probably under the bastard’s control. Let’s just get on with this. *Cracks knuckles* The sooner we get this done, the sooner we can get back to fondling each other.
Nagare: We weren’t fondling each other!
Mantra: *Smirks* Of course not. The touching is entirely innocent. *Yawns* One Piece, eh? I liked that show a lot…*Sighs* It’s really inevitable that Stus would turn up in that universe…
"Kind of, I mean when I'd go on solo missons by myself and I go into toruble I'd have to patch myself up." Riru explained shly.
Nagare: *Reads through previous sporking and briefing notes quickly* Wait…this person claims to be a doctor, and her only medical experience is basic first-aid performed on herself? They’re bloody pirates! At one point or another, all of them would have had to patch themselves up after a battle! Being a qualified doctor is significantly more demanding than that! You would have to know about the symptoms of a million diseases and how to treat them, and you’d have to look after the nutritional needs of the crew, and perform major surgeries like amputation! And this woman thinks she’s qualified after bandaging a few cuts on herself?
Mantra: *Reads over Nagare’s shoulder* Shyly? And this woman is supposed to be working for a pirate? This woman is supposed to be pretty much a pirate herself? And she’s shy? What, she blushes and plays with her skirt whenever she has to go rape, pillage and burn? I know this is One Piece, and the pirates in it don’t really do anything, but considering you actually have your main characters waltz around killing officers of law, you really have no excuse. *Purses lips* You can’t even do canon rape right, can you?
"That is so cool..." David said as they continued to walk.
Nagare: What? Being able to patch yourself up after a battle is cool? So, you actually don’t know how to patch yourself up? Did you somehow manage to avoid any and all injuries despite life as a pirate, or do you simply sit there and let your open cuts ooze pus? How the hell to you lead a life on the sea without knowing basic first aid? And what is with the ‘continued to walk’? You never mentioned that they ever stopped! It’s generally assumed that characters carry on doing what they were doing unless indicated otherwise! You’re not writing under a word limit! You don’t need to pad anything out!
Mantra: It’s not like Stus or Sues are known for their intelligence. I wouldn’t put it past them to be too stupid to walk and talk at the same time.
"Ummm...thanks."
"Well maybe you can be our crew doctor." Chase suggested.
Nagare: *Facepalm* I’m going to be laughing so hard when they all get scurvy…
Mantra: As if the Stuthor will let his precious avatars be in any sort of discomfort…And what is which this Stuthor and commas? What, did they kill his family or something?
Nagare: We had the exact same problem with Rebecca Bitch. It seems to be a pretty common ailment amongst these types of authors.
Mantra: *Sighs* Poor little commas. What wrong have they done to deserve this scorn?
Nagare: *Darkly* They’re not in this story. I would consider them lucky.
"I'm fine with that." Riru agreed.
Nagare: Yes, accept by all means. It doesn’t matter whether your crewmates get quality medical attention, after all. That’s for stupid people.
Mantra: *Shrugs* She was helping her friends ambush the Stus, and tried to kill one of them. Granted, she didn’t exactly do a good job, but killing them by diseases and infection seems to be a good plan. *Blood thirsty grin* At least the death will be long and painful.
Nagare: You…resort to death threats far too fast. We’re barely three sentences into the story.
Mantra: It’s a Stu. What other motive do I need to kill them all?
Nagare: *Shakes head silently*
"Yeah! Now I don't have to worry about getting hurt in fights anymore!"
Nagare: I…what? *Rubs head* Look, Stuthor, I have no idea what kind of doctors you have been seeing, but they are not omnipotent! There are plenty of injuries that they cannot heal! Even if you have a qualified doctor on hand, you would still have to be careful in combat, because there are mortal injuries, and even ones that cause instantaneous death! Having a doctor there doesn’t help if you get half your head lopped off! Not to mention, that woman isn’t even a qualified doctor! She just knows some basic first aid! Whether she’s there or not doesn’t really matter in the grand scheme of things, because she won’t be able to deal with the types of injuries that a requires the attention of a doctor! She’s absolutely useless in this regard! *Sighs* The only way that statement makes sense is if they’re trying to flatter her, in which case she’s even bigger a Sue than I had anticipated.
Mantra: Well, if they’re running into combat with nary a second thought about self-preservation, then they’ll be much easier to kill. So, at least we’re getting something out of this.
Nagare: I just can’t get over this! Nothing makes the least amount of sense! Why are they so quick to trust her anyways? She’s been doing her best to kill one of them a few minutes before! And now they’re letting her deal with their health and safety? They’re letting her be the executive decision maker in their medicine?
Mantra: Yet another chance that they’ll die horrible deaths. *Grins* I like this.
Nagare: Well, it just makes me angry, because I know nothing would happen.
Mantra: That doesn’t stop you from fantasizing about it, does it?
"Well that might be a problem." A voice commeted.
Mantra: Commeted? What, his voice was a comet? As in, it fell from the sky, or what?
The Voice: *Screams*
Mantra: *Frowns, stares into nothing for a bit, and suddenly smirks* Ah, I see. *Chuckles*
Nagare: *Stares between megaphone and Mantra* What, a VOICE commented? Just a voice? It wasn’t attached to anybody?
Mantra: Hey, this is the fic with competitive lab coats and ‘jean pants’. What do you think?
Nagare: *Facepalm and groans* Can we have Rebecca Sherwood back? Please?
"Huh?" The crew looked up to see the teen that the Shark King had sent after them.
Nagare: And they know this…how? I hate third person omniscient. It ruins all mystery. What’s wrong with having a mysterious person just attack the main characters? What’s wrong with making the readers guess who it is? I mean, it’s pretty obvious, but you still can’t just out and out say it! At least pretend to have some semblance of tension! And it’s extremely bad form to tell your readers something before your characters know it, unless you were aiming for dramatic irony.
Mantra: *Wrinkles nose* I’ve seen what this Stuthor does when he tries to fake tension. It’s not pretty.
Avery Wilson.
Mantra: Wilson? Really, Wilson? Someone in ONE PIECE named Wilson? *Shakes head* Sure, there were characters with traditional western surnames, but they were named after famous pirates in real life! You can’t insert a name like ‘Wilson’ in when you have characters name ‘Riru Sparks’! Especially when you have canon characters with the surname ‘Monkey’!
Nagare: Oh, we can’t have any mystery, can we? We even have to know the full name of the damned ‘mysterious attacker’! If you are aiming for mystery, don’t tell these things to the readers! Let them figure it out themselves!
Mantra: Have you read chapter three? Have you seen what this Stuthor does when he tries to withhold the name of a character? It was…just stupid. So I wouldn’t go around and tempt fate if I were you.
"I'm Avery Wilson of the Royal Sea Pirates! I've been ordered by my Captain to take you on."
Nagare: YOU JUST TOLD US THIS IN THE NARRATION! WHY WOULD YOU PUT THAT THERE IF YOU’RE JUST GOING TO REPEAT EVERYTHING IN THE DIALOGUE? WHAT WAS EVEN THE POINT OF THE LAST TWO SENTENCES?
Mantra: Why is he introducing himself? His orders were to kill off the Stus. Why do they need to know his name? Wouldn’t it be much wiser to use the element of surprise and stab them in the back before they know he’s there? They certainly didn’t notice him before he announced himself! Now you’re targets will be on guard and will be able to put up a fight. And why would you tell them where your loyalties lie? If you fail, your Captain is going to be in trouble. If you were really so loyal to him that you were willing to commit murder for his sake, wouldn’t you want to protect him from vengeance seekers as well? Stuthor, DON’T GIVE YOUR ANTAGONISTS LOBOTOMIES JUST SO YOUR PROTAGONISTS CAN WIN! If you keep doing this, we will know that you don’t dare to let your protagonists face any kind of conflict or difficulty, so we eventually stop caring! We know they’re going to win anyways, so what’s going to keep our interest? YOU ARE WRITING FANFICTION! YOU HAVE TO TRY EVEN HARDER THAN PUBLISHED WRITERS TO ENTERTAIN YOUR AUDIENCE!
Nagare: This sporking thing isn’t doing my temper any good. Barely half a page in and I’m already yelling…
Mantra: *Pats Nagare’s hair* Don’t worry~ I love it when you yell~
Nagare: *Slaps Mantra’s hands away and glares*
Mantra: *Smirks*
"That's cool, I guess." David said sheepisly as he scratched the back of his head.
Nagare: What…the fuck is he talking about? He’s just been challenged to a duel, as illogical as it was. Shouldn’t he have some sort of reaction? I mean…he’s our point of view character! If he doesn’t react, we’re not going to react, and your scenes will have no emotional impact! What am I even supposed to be feeling right now? Fear? Anxiety? Anticipation? Frustration? Apathy? Rage? It’s rage, isn’t it?
Mantra: Apparently, the Stuthor believes people who don’t react to fights are badass. Personally, I think someone who masturbates to fights is much more badass. *Shrugs*
Nagare: *Stares* I…do not want to know.
Mantra: However, with the whole ‘sheepish’ thing, it just sounds like he’s somehow guilty that he’s being challenged to a fight. Which really makes no sense considering how much pleasure he was deriving from beating innocent strangers up earlier.
Nagare: I’m convinced that he’s far too stupid to comprehend English, and is just waffling around hoping his mate will tell him the proper answer. It makes far more sense.
"Yes, I must take on the Captain of this crew for the Captain of my crew.
Nagare: What?
Mantra: *Sighs* We’ll just let the Department of Redundancy Department handle that sentence, shall we?
So prepare to fight!"
Nagare: What, he’s giving him time to warm up and maintain his weapons?
Mantra: *Shrugs* Hey, I just noticed, but how does he know these people are his targets? We don’t see him being given a description of them last chapter, and I doubt he even knows their name, seeing as Tora was their informant, and he only knew the name of the First Mate. So how does he know he’s not accidentally killing some unrelated shmuck, while his real target is sipping tea somewhere?
Nagare: With the average level of morality shown in this fic, I wouldn’t be surprised if he was going around killing every teenagers on the island, just to be safe.
Mantra: *Grins* Ooh, I like that approach.
Nagare: *Glares sourly*
With that Avery was gone
Mantra: *Hums* Brave Sir Robin ran away, he boldly turned tail and fled~
Chase side stepped and grebbed Avery's wrist as it came within inches of David's face.
Nagare: Grebbed? I…really don’t want to know what he did to the poor kid’s wrist.
Mantra: Maybe the Stuthor’s parents were murdered by Spell Check…
Nagare: And ‘side stepped’ implies that he dodged an attack. And yet Avery’s fists came within inches of DAVID. Unless Chase and David were standing directly behind each other, that shouldn’t have happened. And I notice that Avery’s speed is described the exactly same way as Riru’s, despite the fact that one of them has SUPER SPEED as a power, and the other does not. That is not good. It essentially makes your female main character’s sole power utterly useless. Not. Good.
Mantra: *Strangely calm voice* The Stuthor was fine with his avatars enslaving her. I’m sure stripping away her powers is no big deal.
"Devil Fruit..." Chase sighed,
Mantra: What, two devil fruits grant super speed now? That does not work! Super speed may come as a required secondary power to two different super powers, but it would function differently in that case! Throughout all the comics, have you ever seen two characters with powers that worked the same way? Ever? You read the comics, didn’t you?
"Good, that last chick I fought was no good."
Nagare: *Stony silence* No good? You battered her around, despite clearly showing the ability to end the fight quickly. You taunted her and prolonged her suffering for no reason other than your enjoyment. You didn’t even know if she was evil or not. You started the bloody fight! And now you have the balls to complain that she didn’t have a superpower and was thus too easily dispatched? That she couldn’t hold on any longer and grant you even more pleasure?
Mantra: You know, I’ve read about a whole lot of psychopaths and sociopaths and generally not nice people, but that tops them all. I don’t think any of them had the audacity to complain that their victims didn’t fight back hard enough. *Leans forward* Stuthor, Blood Knights are fun. Kenpachi is the most popular character by far within western circles in the Bleach fandom. However, Blood Knights have something your characters don’t. THEY PICK ON SOMEONE THEIR OWN SIZE. THEY DON’T DERIVE PLEASURE FROM BEATING UP PEOPLE WHO THEY KNOW CAN’T DEFEND THEMSELVES! THEY DON’T THINK BACK TO BULLYING SOMEONE WITH FONDNESS! THEY DON’T BULLY PERIOD! NOBILITY, STUTHOR, A HERO NEEDS NOBILITY!
"Hmph, you have no idea.." Avery commented.
Nagare: HE IS NOT GODDAMEND COMMENTING! HE’S ENGAGED IN THE FIGHT HIMSELF! HE’S NOT LOOKING ON IN ANY CAPACITY! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THE WORD ‘SAID’?
Mantra: Now I’m thinking the Stuthor has a grudge against good writing in general…What an empty life he leads.
"We'll see. You wanna fight my Captain you have to get through me." Chase commented.
Nagare: Look, you’re not using the word ‘said’ because you’re worried that it’s overused, right? SO WHY THE FUCK HAVE TWO CHARACTERS ‘COMMENT’ IN A ROW? If you want variety, you’ve got to give us variety!
Mantra: *Quickly* No! Don’t give us variety! The poor thesaurus is still traumatised after Meyer was through with it!
Nagare: *Ignores* And no. He doesn’t want to fight your Captain. HE WANTS TO FUCKING KILL YOU! BIG DIFFERENCE!
"What do we do?" Riru asked wanting to join in too.
Nagare: YOU FIGHT FOR YOUR LIFE! THE GUY WANTS TO KILL YOU! IF HE WAS COURTEOUS ENOUGH TO WARN YOU BEFORE HAND, TAKE ADVANTAGE OF IT! Are you supposed to be a pirate? And yet you have no idea what to do when someone tries to kill you? *Rubs forehead* How the fuck did these people survive?
Mantra: Their verses God won’t let them die, because they’re his precious avatars. *Scowls* Unlike the bitches who rule our verse…
Nagare: *Sceptic* You know God? …There is a god?
Mantra: Oh yeah, and every single one of them is a bitch. *Grumpy*
Nagare: …I suppose that makes sense.
"Just sit back and watch okay,
Nagare: *Stares* That guy is trying to KILL them! He’s clearly displaying some form of super power! He belongs to a supposedly fearsome pirate crew, and apparently outranks the First Mate! And the Stu just tells one of his friends to sit back and watch? The guy’s trying to kill them, and he’s prohibiting his crew from fighting back? What the fuck is he even trying to do?
Mantra: *Narrows eyes* Oh, I know exactly what he’s trying to do. That little bas-
The Voice: Sorry for interrupting, but I just have to rant on this. This is a trend that carried over from the last chapter, so I feel like I have priority ranting right. Well, here goes, a nice long list for all of you: He’s keeping her out of battle. There’s no reason why he should be doing this because she has a damned useful power, SUPER SPEED, and has displayed relative competence in combat! In fact, she was whaling on his Captain a few minutes ago in their fight, and the only reason he even survived is because he pulled a power out of his ass. A power that is ridiculously rare, thus this Avery probably doesn’t have, by the way. Given the nature of her power, she might be the strongest member on their team right now. And having her fight Avery is actually a great opportunity to test her loyalty. See if she would actually risk her life to help them. See if she’s in league with the Shark King. Figure out how her power really functions. And if she gets hurt in the fight, at least it won’t be the important members of the crew that's incapacitated. She’s the most expendable person there, after all. And no, don’t you dare try and take moral high ground after the stunts you pulled. Despite all these reasons, he’s keeping her out of battle. So I can only assume he did this because she’s a woman. Because she’s oh so fragile and will certainly gets the vapours if she ever tries to fight. Because there is just no way she can ever defeat a Big Strong Man. Because this is a man’s business. *Sighs* Look, I really don’t want to sound like a Straw Feminist, but this is the vibe I get from this fic, and it is damned infuriating. So, FUCK YOU STUS, AND FUCK YOU STUTHOR!
Mantra: *Crosses arms* And I had a great rant all up and ready to go too! What a killjoy…
this guy is fast so I can only guess what kind of powers he has."
Nagare: Which is why you’re preventing someone with SUPER SPEED from fighting him. She’s the only one there who has any chance of matching his speed, so why the fuck isn’t she fighting?
Mantra: Did you hear that rant above? Because she’s a puny little woman and must be wrapped in cotton at all times.
Nagare: And why would he be the one to deal with Avery? He’s the least suitable person for this task! It’s more logical to pass it on to his Captain if he’s really misogynistic enough to order Riru to sit and watch! After all, the guy has already defeated one person with super speed! I’m sure he can deal with another!
Mantra: The guy was laughing over and mocking his fallen opponents a chapter ago. I’m sure he’s fighting just because he wants to hear the little boy scream. That, and pretend he’s oh so loyal.
"Aww..." Riru pouted.
Nagare: He…he pretty much just told you, ‘you’re useless, leave the Manly tasks to the Men’, and that’s your reaction? *Mutters* At least Rebecca bitch wasn’t a spineless little twat…
Mantra: *Scoffs* She couldn’t hold up against Malfoy in his first year! Of course she was spineless. But yeah, I agree. Woman, you have SUPER SPEED! Why aren’t you punching the hell out of those guys at the speed of light whilst also taking out Avery? First the Metamorphmagi, and now this. What is up with wasted superpowers these days?
Nagare: The Stuthors give spectacular powers to their avatars to make them look oh so powerful and oh so unique, but have to axe those powers when they need conflict, because they’ve essentially made their characters into game breakers. That’s why.
Mantra: *Sighs* I know. It’s still damned annoying though…
"Get behind me." David backed Riru behind him and stepped back some.
Nagare: Because a warrior who has been living at sea and fighting pirates and have SUPER SPEED can’t possibly handle combat. Oh no. *Stabs knife into table and pulls it out again effortlessly* See this? This is what trained women can do. And if you don’t stop making these insinuations right now, the next thing I stab won’t be a table.
Mantra: How many times did the Stuthor use the word ‘back’ and ‘behind’ in that sentence? Are you sure this fic isn’t meant for the Department of Redundancy Department? I’m sure they’ll have a field day with this!
Chase vanished and reappeared behind Avery,
Nagare: Because now goddamned everyone has super speed! It’s nice to see just how useless the power of the only female protagonist is, isn’t it? *Spits* Hey, are there any other groups hunting these Stus down? Because I want them.
The Voice: …There are other groups of Sporkers, and one of them might want a jab at the Stu, but I’m sure she’ll gladly leave the juicy bits to you.
Nagare: Good. These bastards need to be shown what blades in joints feel like.
Mantra: *Accusingly* And you get upset when I get bloodthirsty!
Nagare: At least I always wait until I have ample reason to be upset!
Mantra: It’s not even a full page yet!
Nagare: *Stares* Oh god, how long is this fucking thing?
Mantra: *Shrugs* I think this is one of the shorter chapters, so it should be fine…
he cocked
Mantra: *Whistles*
Nagare: NO! I’ve had enough of that with the Rebecca sporkings! You’re not allowed to make those kinds of comments here!
his fist back and was going to punch Avery in the back of the head.
Mantra: *Sighs mournfully* We’re really not going to have ANY tension, are we? Why can’t you just say ‘he swung his fist at the back of Avery’s head, but…’? Do you seriously need to tell us everything before it happens? Do you see any good writers doing that? See what you have reduced me to? Now I can only speak in questions?
Avery grabbed Chase's wrist and tossed him over his shoulder. Chase landed on his feet
Nagare: …how? He’s being swung around by his arm! How the fuck did he manage to land feet first? What, his powers extend to gravity now?
Mantra: And landing on your feet after something like that is a supremely bad idea. You’ve got the weight of your entire body plus centrifugal force plus gravity behind you. Landing on your back is the best bet because you’re spreading the impact over a wide area. Trying to land on your feet will most likely result in broken or at least dislocated ankles. It’s not just the laws of gravity, the whole goddamned universe is warping around him to ensure he suffers no humiliations whatsoever.
and turned around to see Avery gone.
Nagare: Okay, it was not that bad the first time, but now the whole disappearing act is just getting tired. It might be impressive the first time we see a character move faster than the eye can see, but when random thugs start doing it, the trick no longer warrants being rhapsodised over. Just…VARIETY! GET SOME VARIETY!
"Here I am!" Avery announced
Mantra: How nice of him to warn the Stu beforehand. I’m glad to see such strong morals in a pirate assassin. After all, it wouldn’t be sportsmanlike if he attacked without announcing, would it?
Nagare: That is it. I’m going to stab every single one of these bitches to death, and I’ll be laughing in their faces when they try to pull their quaint little martial arts tricks on me.
Mantra: Great! That’s the spirit!
as he axe kicked Chase in the stomach.
Nagare: *Squints* He…what?
Mantra: He…apparently kicked with an axe? Or his axe kicked the Stu?
Nagare: …I…Let’s just move on.
Avery cocked his fist back
Mantra: You’ve already used that phrase! VARIETY! *Rubs forehead* At least then, I can make new jokes!
Nagare: And I thought the repetitions in Rebecca Sherwood was bad…
as air began to circle around his whole arm,
Nagare: What, air wasn’t around his arm before? His superpower is creating vacuums around his arms? I mean, it might be useful and all, but really?
Mantra: Look, this is the story with Omni-Omni fruit in it. Just…ignore it and move on. The Stuthor certainly displays fetishes for stupid, stupid powers, and he’s not going to stop no matter how much we rant.
"Hurricane Fist!"
Nagare: *Facepalm* Oh yeah, a trained assassin has a store of fancy moves, and he names them all with fancy names, and he totally shouts when he’s attacking his targets. This is so unbelievably realistic, it makes me want to go on a murdering rampage.
Mantra: And Stuthor, THINK about the names you’re giving these moves. You do not want your villains and your protagonists engaging in spontaneous fisting through unfortunate implications!
"Thors Hammer!" Chase countered
Mantra: *Scowls* And stop defiling the name of a wonderful Marvel Comics character…or the mythology of the Nordic people, for that matter.
Nagare: ‘Countered’? Seriously? Are these guys in a debate or what? It doesn’t sound like they’re fighting! It sound like they’re just standing around, posing, and shouting at each other!
Mantra: Ah, so the usual Shonen fight scene it is, then.
by making a hammer fist that produced lightning all over his hands as both of them collided.
Nagare: He…what?
Mantra: He…turned his fists into hammers which somehow generate electricity which covers his hands, which are separate objects from his fists, like semen, as his hands collided?
Nagare: …I prefer to think he was just posing stupidly.
Mantra: Yeah, that works too. Seriously, I have no idea what’s going on.
Avery then came from above once more.
The Voice: *Incoherent cursing*
Nagare: …You done? Good. So, when has Avery came from above before? I don’t recall any mention of it. Stuthor, you are writing an action scene! This means the readers have to know what the bloody actions are! How did he get up there anyways? He has the power to levitate now?
Mantra: I’m just worried by how much this all seems to turn him on.
Nagare: …You could’ve kept that to yourself, you know?
Mantra: *Sweet smile* Of course, I know.
"Tornado Kick!" Avery yelled as he came down spinning rapidly while creating a large tornado to attack Chase.
Nagare: …What? He…He’s a trained assassin! And he’s obviously competent enough that he gets sent to dispatch someone strong enough to defeat the First Mate effortlessly! What the bloody hell is he doing here? Ballet? You’re trying to kill them! Get a bloody knife and stab them in the back!
Mantra: Nah, the Stuthor’s forcing him to twirl around for our entertainment. Clearly, he believes that just because some characters in One Piece were flashy, all of them must be.
"Lightning Grenade!" Chase held a ball of lightning in his hands as it cackled and whipped around.
Nagare: The ball of lightning whipped around? What?
Mantra: Well, at least the protagonists are equally flashy. *Sighs* Stuthor, do you know what’s my favourite scene in One Piece? The one where Luffy beats up that Hyena dude just before the Sky Piea Arc. You know why? Because it’s was simplistic and it was effective. The villain was bouncing all over the place showing off his powers, and Luffy took him down with a single punch. He didn’t even have to use his devil fruit. Your protagonists, however, have to break out the big guns for every single thug they meet. That doesn’t make them look badass. At all. LEARNING HOW TO FUCKING WRITE!
Chase leaped up
Nagare: And what the fuck is up with all the jumping around? Do you seriously think going airborne during a fight is desirable?
The Voice: Be glad you weren’t here for the last chapter, then. Believe it or not, it was actually a whole lot worse.
Nagare: God…
Mantra: At least we’ll be able to show them how fighting really works soon.
and countered Avery's kick with this causing an explosion to blow them both back.
Nagare: …He knew he was chucking a grenade, and he still did it in close enough range to blow himself up as well. He knew exactly the effects of that move, and yet still couldn’t avoid it. Was stepping back a bit and giving himself some space too novel a concept? Didn’t he have any other short-range attacks he could use? You know the guy’s closing in and intending to kick you! Why the fuck would you use a grenade?
Mantra: Maybe he’s into masochism as well as sadism? That, or his single brain cell just died in an effort to escape from this monstrosity.
Nagare: *Flatly* I’m betting on the second possibility.
"That was tough...I had to hold back some." Chase commented.
Nagare: Maybe if you just PUNCHED him, instead of using a GRENADE at short range, you wouldn’t have gotten hurt! Gah!
Mantra: *Thoughtfully* Or maybe he realised what kind of fic he was in, and was desperately trying to get out via suicide?
"Who asked you to hold back!" Avery yelled
Nagare: HE WAS USING A GRENADE! NO ONE ASKED HIM TO HOLD BACK! HE HAD TO BECAUSE HE WOULD’VE KILLED HIMSELF THROUGH UTTER STUPIDITY OTHERWISE! IS EVERY FUCKING PERSON IN THIS FIC A MORON?
The Voice: Everyone who’s sporked this fic has asked that.
Nagare: Could we bring Rebecca back? At least she’s borderline tolerable if you didn’t know canon!
Mantra: I’m sure we’ll be back to Sporking her soon. Bitch.
as he punched Chase in the back of the head
Nagare: …How? The Stu just thrusted a grenade in between them! They were blown apart! They should be a dozen metres apart, FACING EACH OTHER! Or possibly still lying on the ground! Why would he want to punch him in the back of the head, when the front would be closer to him? Why? And why isn’t he fucking using weapons? Why the fuck isn’t he snapping the Stu’s neck if he’s open and defenceless and disorientated?
Mantra: He couldn’t, you see, because the Stuthor will let him beat his avatar up a bit to fake tension, but will never let his precious little Stus be killed. It’s a pity, but at least we can watch the Stus get brutalised meanwhile. *Hums* Do we get any popcorn?
causing him to faulter, "Who said we're done?"" Avery asked
Nagare: Um…no one. No one said that. What is that quip even there for? There was no prompt, no cue, no nothing! Was he schizophrenic as well?
Mantra: Relax. We’re watching a Stu get pulverised. He gets a pardon on the stupidity if it means I get to watch the Stu having his teeth knocked out. *Leans back and chugs water* Why is there no booze?
as he picked up Chase by the back of his collar and kneed him.
Nagare: …Kneed him where? He’s holding the Stu by the back of his collar! The fucking Stu is limp and leaning forwards! He’s not standing at a good angle to do any damage with his knee! The only way this works is if he suddenly teleported in front of the Stu again, and why the fuck would he do that? Why is he not crushing the Stu’s windpipes while he’s down? Is he even trying to accomplish his mission now? What the fuck?
Mantra: Hey, I’m enjoying this! You really shouldn’t get all hung up on little things like that. There’s really no purpose.
Nagare: I was trained to fight and kill as well! How the fuck can I just get over this…this amount of stupidity? God, if I were there, he would’ve been dead by the second sentence of this chapter!
Mantra: Well, I could say the same for me. *Shrugs* But we’re not, and this is all we’re getting, so we might as well enjoy it.
"Guah!"
The Voice: *Screaming coupled with dull thumping noises*
Nagare: …wow. The last chapter was bad, wasn’t it?
Mantra: *Tight-lipped* Somehow, I doubt this chapter is any better.
Chase spat out blood, then quickly went for a kick at Avery.
Nagare: …He’s VOMITING BLOOD! There are only two types of injuries that can possibly cause him to spit BLOOD! Either he somehow bit the inside of his mouth, or he has extensive internal injuries! I don’t see him being punched in the mouth so I can only assume he’s ruptured a stomach wall! So how the fuck is he still fighting? How the fuck is he still effective at fighting? And he was at the mercy of Avery! He’s on the ground before him, completely helpless! How the hell did he manage to get up and attack Avery? Why the fuck did Avery let him up in the first place? Why isn’t he dead yet? Why?
Mantra: *Raises eyebrows* All of this Stuthor’s actions scenes follow a formula, have you noticed? First the enemy appears out of nowhere, catching the main characters by surprise. And instead of using that element of surprise to their advantage and stabbing the motherfuckers there and then, they issue a formal challenge. Then the protagonists and the villains engage in inane banter. Then the villain gets the upper hand of the battle and batter around the main character for a while, and yet never attempting to do serious damage to them or end their life. Then the main characters pull a stupid power out of nowhere and utterly pwn the villain’s ass. And then they mock the villain’s corpse and sometimes defile it as well. Every single fight we have seen so far follows that exact same formula. Not good, Stuthor. Not good at all.
Nagare: It especially doesn’t make sense here, because we know the villain wants to KILL the protagonists! He doesn’t just want to teach them a lesson, or stop them from interfering, he want to KILL THEM! So why the fuck isn’t he doing anything?
Mantra: None of the antagonists are allowed to be COMPETENT in the fic, see, because then there might actually be conflict! We can’t have that, now, can we?
He used his ability to his advantage and vanished.
Nagare: IF HE WAS USING HIS ABILITY TO HIS ADVANTAGE, YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN DEAD BY NOW! HE CAN MOVE FASTER THAN THE EYE CAN SEE! THE ONLY REASON YOU’RE NOT FULL OF HOLES IS BECAUSE THE STUTHOR IS A STUPID, STUPID BASTARD AND CAN’T WRITE TO SAVE HIS LIFE!
Chase then cocked his fist back,
Nagare: VARIETY, DAMMIT! WE’VE HEARD THAT PHRASE HOW MANY TIMES NOW? THERE ARE DIFFERENT WAYS TO DESCRIBE PUNCHING PEOPLE! USING THE SAME PHRASE OVER AND OVER AGAIN IS NOT GOOD! HAVE YOU READ A SINGLE FUCKING BOOK IN YOUR LIFE?
Mantra: He can’t understand the themes of a comic book. I doubt he can handle proper prose.
"Surge Fist!" He yelled as he generated electricity around his fist he punched Avery right in the chest sending him back.
Nagare: AVERY JUST VANISHED! WE NEVER HEAR ABOUT HIM SLOWING DOWN! WE NEVER HEAR ABOUT CHASE HAVING ANY KIND OF IMMUNITY TO SUPER SPEED! SEEING AS AVERY HAS WIND POWERS, IT’S ENTIRELY POSSIBLE THAT HE JUST TURNED HIMSELF INTO AIR! HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU PUNCHING HIM? Look, I know this all probably makes sense in your head, but WE’RE NOT YOU! WE’RE THE READERS, AND WE ONLY KNOW WHAT YOU TELL US! SO IF YOUR PROTAGONISTS ARE DOING SOMETHING, YOU NEED TO EXPLAIN WHAT THAT THINGS IS! HOW THEY’RE DOING IT! WHY THEY’RE DOING IT! WE NEED FUCKING EXPOSITION!
Mantra: And yes, having a object charged with LIGHTNING connect with your chest will just send you stumbling back a few steps. Why isn’t he fried? Why is his heart alright after the fucking huge surge of electricity through them? If you have to give your protagonists insane endurance in order to spice up actions scenes, I can understand, but giving your villains immunity as well? And no, even in One Piece, not everyone is Made Of Iron.
"Good job Chase!" Riru congradulated.
Nagare: *Sighs* Stuthor, if you can’t spell big words, DON’T USE THEM! The word ‘said’ is discriminated against enough without your help, thank you.
Mantra: Yes, great job isn’t it? How he spent the better half of the battle being battered around, only surviving because their verse’s God is on his side. What an admirable fighter.
"Thanks, but we aren't done. He's fast."
Nagare: How the fuck does speed help when you’ve already been hit with lightning? All of the main characters should be DEAD, dammit!
"What kind of fruit is he using?" David asked.
Mantra: Let’s see. He can command the wind to circle his limbs. He can apparently turn into air. He’s super fast…Hm, I honestly have no idea!
"The Wind Wind Fruit,
Mantra: *Dramatic gasp* Oh! My! God! I never would’ve guessed!
Nagare: *Facepalm*
he can pretty much become and control wind.
Nagare: Which is why you somehow managed to punch him in the chest. Right. Is this thing supposed to make sense at all?
Mantra: What do you think?
Also him being as fast as wind doesn't help. Good thing I'm as fast as lightning."
Nagare: Is there anyone in this fic who doesn’t have super speed?
Mantra: Of course, they must all have super speed! Otherwise, the damned woman might actually outshine the Big Strong Men! *Retches* God, this Stuthor needs an asskicking…
"Yet you can't keep up!" Avery announced as he went to knee Chase.
Nagare: Announcing his attack and abandoning the element of surprise as always, I see.
Mantra: And deliberately going for a form of attack that will not likely be fatal. CONTRIVANCES, STUTHOR, THEY ARE NOT GOOD!
"I can, I just let you get close."
Nagare: Why? Is there any reason at all? *Facepalm* He really is masochistic, isn’t he?
Mantra: *Smug*
Chase remarked as he threw down Avery's knee
Nagare: He what? You mean, he pressed Avery’s knee back down again? Why the fuck would he do that? That doesn’t hurt Avery, and it doesn’t prevent him from trying again! If you’re so much faster than him, why not punch him in the face? Why not stab him? Why don’t you have a weapon? Are you a pirate or not?
Mantra: Oh, they’re not even fighting now! They’re not even trying to hurt each other! This isn’t even good-natured sparring! They’re just mocking wrestling because the Stuthor’s too repressed to write a proper Ho Yay scene.
Nagare: …Mantra? Just…shut up.
then kicked him across the head sending Avery off to the side.
Nagare: He couldn’t just punch him, see, because that’s not ‘Awesome’ enough for the Stuthor. No. He has to put his feet near Avery’s arms, he has to put his centre of balance somewhere where his opponent can grab hold of it easily. Because he’s a goddamned IDIOT!
Avery recovered and vanished.
Nagare: GOD, HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THAT? HOW MANY TIMES HAVE WE READ THIS SCENE? VILLAIN ATTACKS, STU BLOCKS, STU ATTACKS, VILLAIN VANISHES, THIS IS NOT JUST REPETITIVE, THIS IS GODDAMNED COPY-PASTING! I’VE HAD ENOUGH OF THAT FROM REBECCA SHERWOOD! YOU’RE WRITING A GODDAMNED ACTION SCENE! PUTTING YOUR READERS TO SLEEP SHOULD NOT BE A LEGITIMATE DANGER!
Mantra: Over half of this chapter is taken up by this one action scene, so you better get used to it. I bet we’ll see this format about a dozen more times before this page is over.
Nagare: *Rapid string of curses*
Chase jumped into the air and caught Avery's fist,
Nagare: WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK? WHEN HAS AVERY TRIED TO PUNCH HIM? HE DISAPPEARED A SENTENCE AGO! HE WAS DODGING AN ATTACK! RETREATING! WHY IS HE SUDDENLY ATTACKING THIS SENTENCE? AND WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU NEED TO JUMP INTO THE AIR TO CATCH SOMEONE’S FIST? WHAT IS WITH THIS STUTHOR AND MAKING HIS CHARACTERS JUMP AROUND LIKE DEMENTED MONKEYS? DOES HE HAVE A GODDAMNED GRASSHOPPER FETISH, OR WHAT? GAH!
Mantra: I think the characters know exactly what kind of fic they’re in, and they’re just putting on a show for the readers. Seriously, does anyone who have any experience in fighting honest jump in the air and spin around in hopes of kicking their opponent by sheer luck? I’m saying the characters are bullshitting the Stuthor, and the Stuthor’s bullshitting us.
though Avery followed up by using his other hand to attack. Chase threw it off to the side then kicked Avery in the stomach.
Nagare: YOU ARE IN MID AIR! BECAUSE YOU WERE STUPID ENOUGH TO JUMP THERE! WE SEE NO MENTION OF YOU COMING BACK DOWN, SO YOU’RE STILL STUCK IN MID AIR! YOU ARE NOT MANOEUVRABLE! YOU HAVE NO POINT OF LEVERAGE! YOU SHOULDN’T BE ABLE TO BLOCK HIS ATTACK OR THROW HIM AROUND? IF ANYTHING, HE SHOULD BE THROWING YOU AROUND BECAUSE YOU’RE IN FUCKING MID AIR!
Avery crashed into the ground, and Chase dove right at him.
Nagare: See? He was still in mid air! God, is there a law against actions scenes making sense?
Mantra: The Stuthor’s clearly never been in a fight before. *Scoffs* I doubt he can throw a punch to save his life. But he has to compensate for that, you see, and thus we get this bullshit. *Shakes head* I don’t think bad actions movies from Hong Kong were this bad…
"Bring it! Tornado Slam!" Avery called creating a large tornado from above Chase and drove him into the ground.
Nagare: Why would a tornado force him to the ground? Shouldn’t it have done the exact opposite? As in, send him flying wildly again? Tornadoes are strong winds whirling around! GRAVITY is what forces you to the ground!
Mantra: I suspect the Stuthor believes tornadoes to be exactly the same as drills, in which case he is the biggest MORON alive.
Nagare: And why hasn’t he used this power before? If he can generate winds this strong out of nowhere, why hasn’t he chucked all the protagonists into the fucking sea?
Mantra: Because every single character in this fic is a moron. Really, it’s hard to write intelligent characters when you can’t outwit a snail.
Go Forward to: Chapter 5, Part 2
Go Back to: Chapter 4, Part 2.
Here's another chapter of the Stu fic, and I promise a new Rebecca chapter is on the way.
All members of my little Sporking group are busy right now, so updates may become much more sporadic.
Also, the quality of this Sporking is also not that high. We've basically regressed back to the Chapter 3, where a very long, drawn out, and completely boring action scene takes up an entire chapter.
I've honestly tried, but there's just no way to make this funny, because it's so damned repetitive.
Hopefully, things pick up again in the next Sporking.
Meanwhile, please enjoy~
Disclaimer: One Piece: Bound For Glory is written by Inhuman X, and can be found here: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7143147/1/One_Piece_Bound_For_Glory. I do not own the story, and claim no credit for it. One Piece belongs to Oda Eichiro. No copyright infringement is intended and no profit is being made off of this sporking. This project is undertaken for the sole sake of entertainment.
Summary of Fic: A group of Stus wander around the One Piece universe, happily raping canon and pissing on all the aesops canon taught. Features gratuitious action scenes which somehow manage to be boring and infuriating at the same time, rampant sociopathy, BAD writing, and mountains and mountains of stupidity.
Rating of Fic: T
Warning for Spork: Coarse language, long Capslocked ranting, mild innuendos, very mild subtext between two female characters, non-explicit violence
Sporkers: Nagare and Mantra, with The Voice guest-staring.
Here we go, then:
The Sporking room was once again empty as the megaphone clicked on.
‘Well, viewers, here’s another chapter of this tripe. Unfortunately, I still don’t have any Sporkers on hand, so I’ll probably have to do this alone, again. I hope you appreciate this. This thing is damned painful.’ It paused.
‘I might get away with zapping in some of the resting Sporkers, though…But this chapter is quite short. I’m sure I’ll be able to make it.’
It chuckled lowly, mirthlessly. ‘Well, let’s get going then.’
Chapter 5: Wind and Lightning:
The Voice: For all its faults, this fic does have some pretty nice chapter names. Pity, really.
"So you're a doctor?" David asked in awe as he, Chase, and Riru walked side by side.
The Voice: I…I…what? Just…what? I…*Voice suddenly stony* you know what? Screw this. I’m getting someone else in here.
*A bright flash appear in the Sporking room. When the light fades, Nagare and Mantra are seated on the couch, both rather surprised and confused*
Nagare: *Leaps out of seat with weapons in hand* What the fuck is going on?
Mantra: *Sighs* Oh, it’s this shit again…
Nagare: *Pauses and surveys the room* Oh, fantastic. What has that Rebecca bitch got up to this time? Can’t this fucking thing wait? We were in the middle of sparring!
The Voice: Actually, the fic you are about to spork is not a part of the Rebecca Sherwood series. It is set in the One Piece universe, and features Stus, instead of Sues.
Mantra: *Drily* Well, doesn’t that just make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside?
Nagare: How the fuck did you get us in here anyways?
Mantra: Don’t bother. The entire dimension’s probably under the bastard’s control. Let’s just get on with this. *Cracks knuckles* The sooner we get this done, the sooner we can get back to fondling each other.
Nagare: We weren’t fondling each other!
Mantra: *Smirks* Of course not. The touching is entirely innocent. *Yawns* One Piece, eh? I liked that show a lot…*Sighs* It’s really inevitable that Stus would turn up in that universe…
"Kind of, I mean when I'd go on solo missons by myself and I go into toruble I'd have to patch myself up." Riru explained shly.
Nagare: *Reads through previous sporking and briefing notes quickly* Wait…this person claims to be a doctor, and her only medical experience is basic first-aid performed on herself? They’re bloody pirates! At one point or another, all of them would have had to patch themselves up after a battle! Being a qualified doctor is significantly more demanding than that! You would have to know about the symptoms of a million diseases and how to treat them, and you’d have to look after the nutritional needs of the crew, and perform major surgeries like amputation! And this woman thinks she’s qualified after bandaging a few cuts on herself?
Mantra: *Reads over Nagare’s shoulder* Shyly? And this woman is supposed to be working for a pirate? This woman is supposed to be pretty much a pirate herself? And she’s shy? What, she blushes and plays with her skirt whenever she has to go rape, pillage and burn? I know this is One Piece, and the pirates in it don’t really do anything, but considering you actually have your main characters waltz around killing officers of law, you really have no excuse. *Purses lips* You can’t even do canon rape right, can you?
"That is so cool..." David said as they continued to walk.
Nagare: What? Being able to patch yourself up after a battle is cool? So, you actually don’t know how to patch yourself up? Did you somehow manage to avoid any and all injuries despite life as a pirate, or do you simply sit there and let your open cuts ooze pus? How the hell to you lead a life on the sea without knowing basic first aid? And what is with the ‘continued to walk’? You never mentioned that they ever stopped! It’s generally assumed that characters carry on doing what they were doing unless indicated otherwise! You’re not writing under a word limit! You don’t need to pad anything out!
Mantra: It’s not like Stus or Sues are known for their intelligence. I wouldn’t put it past them to be too stupid to walk and talk at the same time.
"Ummm...thanks."
"Well maybe you can be our crew doctor." Chase suggested.
Nagare: *Facepalm* I’m going to be laughing so hard when they all get scurvy…
Mantra: As if the Stuthor will let his precious avatars be in any sort of discomfort…And what is which this Stuthor and commas? What, did they kill his family or something?
Nagare: We had the exact same problem with Rebecca Bitch. It seems to be a pretty common ailment amongst these types of authors.
Mantra: *Sighs* Poor little commas. What wrong have they done to deserve this scorn?
Nagare: *Darkly* They’re not in this story. I would consider them lucky.
"I'm fine with that." Riru agreed.
Nagare: Yes, accept by all means. It doesn’t matter whether your crewmates get quality medical attention, after all. That’s for stupid people.
Mantra: *Shrugs* She was helping her friends ambush the Stus, and tried to kill one of them. Granted, she didn’t exactly do a good job, but killing them by diseases and infection seems to be a good plan. *Blood thirsty grin* At least the death will be long and painful.
Nagare: You…resort to death threats far too fast. We’re barely three sentences into the story.
Mantra: It’s a Stu. What other motive do I need to kill them all?
Nagare: *Shakes head silently*
"Yeah! Now I don't have to worry about getting hurt in fights anymore!"
Nagare: I…what? *Rubs head* Look, Stuthor, I have no idea what kind of doctors you have been seeing, but they are not omnipotent! There are plenty of injuries that they cannot heal! Even if you have a qualified doctor on hand, you would still have to be careful in combat, because there are mortal injuries, and even ones that cause instantaneous death! Having a doctor there doesn’t help if you get half your head lopped off! Not to mention, that woman isn’t even a qualified doctor! She just knows some basic first aid! Whether she’s there or not doesn’t really matter in the grand scheme of things, because she won’t be able to deal with the types of injuries that a requires the attention of a doctor! She’s absolutely useless in this regard! *Sighs* The only way that statement makes sense is if they’re trying to flatter her, in which case she’s even bigger a Sue than I had anticipated.
Mantra: Well, if they’re running into combat with nary a second thought about self-preservation, then they’ll be much easier to kill. So, at least we’re getting something out of this.
Nagare: I just can’t get over this! Nothing makes the least amount of sense! Why are they so quick to trust her anyways? She’s been doing her best to kill one of them a few minutes before! And now they’re letting her deal with their health and safety? They’re letting her be the executive decision maker in their medicine?
Mantra: Yet another chance that they’ll die horrible deaths. *Grins* I like this.
Nagare: Well, it just makes me angry, because I know nothing would happen.
Mantra: That doesn’t stop you from fantasizing about it, does it?
"Well that might be a problem." A voice commeted.
Mantra: Commeted? What, his voice was a comet? As in, it fell from the sky, or what?
The Voice: *Screams*
Mantra: *Frowns, stares into nothing for a bit, and suddenly smirks* Ah, I see. *Chuckles*
Nagare: *Stares between megaphone and Mantra* What, a VOICE commented? Just a voice? It wasn’t attached to anybody?
Mantra: Hey, this is the fic with competitive lab coats and ‘jean pants’. What do you think?
Nagare: *Facepalm and groans* Can we have Rebecca Sherwood back? Please?
"Huh?" The crew looked up to see the teen that the Shark King had sent after them.
Nagare: And they know this…how? I hate third person omniscient. It ruins all mystery. What’s wrong with having a mysterious person just attack the main characters? What’s wrong with making the readers guess who it is? I mean, it’s pretty obvious, but you still can’t just out and out say it! At least pretend to have some semblance of tension! And it’s extremely bad form to tell your readers something before your characters know it, unless you were aiming for dramatic irony.
Mantra: *Wrinkles nose* I’ve seen what this Stuthor does when he tries to fake tension. It’s not pretty.
Avery Wilson.
Mantra: Wilson? Really, Wilson? Someone in ONE PIECE named Wilson? *Shakes head* Sure, there were characters with traditional western surnames, but they were named after famous pirates in real life! You can’t insert a name like ‘Wilson’ in when you have characters name ‘Riru Sparks’! Especially when you have canon characters with the surname ‘Monkey’!
Nagare: Oh, we can’t have any mystery, can we? We even have to know the full name of the damned ‘mysterious attacker’! If you are aiming for mystery, don’t tell these things to the readers! Let them figure it out themselves!
Mantra: Have you read chapter three? Have you seen what this Stuthor does when he tries to withhold the name of a character? It was…just stupid. So I wouldn’t go around and tempt fate if I were you.
"I'm Avery Wilson of the Royal Sea Pirates! I've been ordered by my Captain to take you on."
Nagare: YOU JUST TOLD US THIS IN THE NARRATION! WHY WOULD YOU PUT THAT THERE IF YOU’RE JUST GOING TO REPEAT EVERYTHING IN THE DIALOGUE? WHAT WAS EVEN THE POINT OF THE LAST TWO SENTENCES?
Mantra: Why is he introducing himself? His orders were to kill off the Stus. Why do they need to know his name? Wouldn’t it be much wiser to use the element of surprise and stab them in the back before they know he’s there? They certainly didn’t notice him before he announced himself! Now you’re targets will be on guard and will be able to put up a fight. And why would you tell them where your loyalties lie? If you fail, your Captain is going to be in trouble. If you were really so loyal to him that you were willing to commit murder for his sake, wouldn’t you want to protect him from vengeance seekers as well? Stuthor, DON’T GIVE YOUR ANTAGONISTS LOBOTOMIES JUST SO YOUR PROTAGONISTS CAN WIN! If you keep doing this, we will know that you don’t dare to let your protagonists face any kind of conflict or difficulty, so we eventually stop caring! We know they’re going to win anyways, so what’s going to keep our interest? YOU ARE WRITING FANFICTION! YOU HAVE TO TRY EVEN HARDER THAN PUBLISHED WRITERS TO ENTERTAIN YOUR AUDIENCE!
Nagare: This sporking thing isn’t doing my temper any good. Barely half a page in and I’m already yelling…
Mantra: *Pats Nagare’s hair* Don’t worry~ I love it when you yell~
Nagare: *Slaps Mantra’s hands away and glares*
Mantra: *Smirks*
"That's cool, I guess." David said sheepisly as he scratched the back of his head.
Nagare: What…the fuck is he talking about? He’s just been challenged to a duel, as illogical as it was. Shouldn’t he have some sort of reaction? I mean…he’s our point of view character! If he doesn’t react, we’re not going to react, and your scenes will have no emotional impact! What am I even supposed to be feeling right now? Fear? Anxiety? Anticipation? Frustration? Apathy? Rage? It’s rage, isn’t it?
Mantra: Apparently, the Stuthor believes people who don’t react to fights are badass. Personally, I think someone who masturbates to fights is much more badass. *Shrugs*
Nagare: *Stares* I…do not want to know.
Mantra: However, with the whole ‘sheepish’ thing, it just sounds like he’s somehow guilty that he’s being challenged to a fight. Which really makes no sense considering how much pleasure he was deriving from beating innocent strangers up earlier.
Nagare: I’m convinced that he’s far too stupid to comprehend English, and is just waffling around hoping his mate will tell him the proper answer. It makes far more sense.
"Yes, I must take on the Captain of this crew for the Captain of my crew.
Nagare: What?
Mantra: *Sighs* We’ll just let the Department of Redundancy Department handle that sentence, shall we?
So prepare to fight!"
Nagare: What, he’s giving him time to warm up and maintain his weapons?
Mantra: *Shrugs* Hey, I just noticed, but how does he know these people are his targets? We don’t see him being given a description of them last chapter, and I doubt he even knows their name, seeing as Tora was their informant, and he only knew the name of the First Mate. So how does he know he’s not accidentally killing some unrelated shmuck, while his real target is sipping tea somewhere?
Nagare: With the average level of morality shown in this fic, I wouldn’t be surprised if he was going around killing every teenagers on the island, just to be safe.
Mantra: *Grins* Ooh, I like that approach.
Nagare: *Glares sourly*
With that Avery was gone
Mantra: *Hums* Brave Sir Robin ran away, he boldly turned tail and fled~
Chase side stepped and grebbed Avery's wrist as it came within inches of David's face.
Nagare: Grebbed? I…really don’t want to know what he did to the poor kid’s wrist.
Mantra: Maybe the Stuthor’s parents were murdered by Spell Check…
Nagare: And ‘side stepped’ implies that he dodged an attack. And yet Avery’s fists came within inches of DAVID. Unless Chase and David were standing directly behind each other, that shouldn’t have happened. And I notice that Avery’s speed is described the exactly same way as Riru’s, despite the fact that one of them has SUPER SPEED as a power, and the other does not. That is not good. It essentially makes your female main character’s sole power utterly useless. Not. Good.
Mantra: *Strangely calm voice* The Stuthor was fine with his avatars enslaving her. I’m sure stripping away her powers is no big deal.
"Devil Fruit..." Chase sighed,
Mantra: What, two devil fruits grant super speed now? That does not work! Super speed may come as a required secondary power to two different super powers, but it would function differently in that case! Throughout all the comics, have you ever seen two characters with powers that worked the same way? Ever? You read the comics, didn’t you?
"Good, that last chick I fought was no good."
Nagare: *Stony silence* No good? You battered her around, despite clearly showing the ability to end the fight quickly. You taunted her and prolonged her suffering for no reason other than your enjoyment. You didn’t even know if she was evil or not. You started the bloody fight! And now you have the balls to complain that she didn’t have a superpower and was thus too easily dispatched? That she couldn’t hold on any longer and grant you even more pleasure?
Mantra: You know, I’ve read about a whole lot of psychopaths and sociopaths and generally not nice people, but that tops them all. I don’t think any of them had the audacity to complain that their victims didn’t fight back hard enough. *Leans forward* Stuthor, Blood Knights are fun. Kenpachi is the most popular character by far within western circles in the Bleach fandom. However, Blood Knights have something your characters don’t. THEY PICK ON SOMEONE THEIR OWN SIZE. THEY DON’T DERIVE PLEASURE FROM BEATING UP PEOPLE WHO THEY KNOW CAN’T DEFEND THEMSELVES! THEY DON’T THINK BACK TO BULLYING SOMEONE WITH FONDNESS! THEY DON’T BULLY PERIOD! NOBILITY, STUTHOR, A HERO NEEDS NOBILITY!
"Hmph, you have no idea.." Avery commented.
Nagare: HE IS NOT GODDAMEND COMMENTING! HE’S ENGAGED IN THE FIGHT HIMSELF! HE’S NOT LOOKING ON IN ANY CAPACITY! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THE WORD ‘SAID’?
Mantra: Now I’m thinking the Stuthor has a grudge against good writing in general…What an empty life he leads.
"We'll see. You wanna fight my Captain you have to get through me." Chase commented.
Nagare: Look, you’re not using the word ‘said’ because you’re worried that it’s overused, right? SO WHY THE FUCK HAVE TWO CHARACTERS ‘COMMENT’ IN A ROW? If you want variety, you’ve got to give us variety!
Mantra: *Quickly* No! Don’t give us variety! The poor thesaurus is still traumatised after Meyer was through with it!
Nagare: *Ignores* And no. He doesn’t want to fight your Captain. HE WANTS TO FUCKING KILL YOU! BIG DIFFERENCE!
"What do we do?" Riru asked wanting to join in too.
Nagare: YOU FIGHT FOR YOUR LIFE! THE GUY WANTS TO KILL YOU! IF HE WAS COURTEOUS ENOUGH TO WARN YOU BEFORE HAND, TAKE ADVANTAGE OF IT! Are you supposed to be a pirate? And yet you have no idea what to do when someone tries to kill you? *Rubs forehead* How the fuck did these people survive?
Mantra: Their verses God won’t let them die, because they’re his precious avatars. *Scowls* Unlike the bitches who rule our verse…
Nagare: *Sceptic* You know God? …There is a god?
Mantra: Oh yeah, and every single one of them is a bitch. *Grumpy*
Nagare: …I suppose that makes sense.
"Just sit back and watch okay,
Nagare: *Stares* That guy is trying to KILL them! He’s clearly displaying some form of super power! He belongs to a supposedly fearsome pirate crew, and apparently outranks the First Mate! And the Stu just tells one of his friends to sit back and watch? The guy’s trying to kill them, and he’s prohibiting his crew from fighting back? What the fuck is he even trying to do?
Mantra: *Narrows eyes* Oh, I know exactly what he’s trying to do. That little bas-
The Voice: Sorry for interrupting, but I just have to rant on this. This is a trend that carried over from the last chapter, so I feel like I have priority ranting right. Well, here goes, a nice long list for all of you: He’s keeping her out of battle. There’s no reason why he should be doing this because she has a damned useful power, SUPER SPEED, and has displayed relative competence in combat! In fact, she was whaling on his Captain a few minutes ago in their fight, and the only reason he even survived is because he pulled a power out of his ass. A power that is ridiculously rare, thus this Avery probably doesn’t have, by the way. Given the nature of her power, she might be the strongest member on their team right now. And having her fight Avery is actually a great opportunity to test her loyalty. See if she would actually risk her life to help them. See if she’s in league with the Shark King. Figure out how her power really functions. And if she gets hurt in the fight, at least it won’t be the important members of the crew that's incapacitated. She’s the most expendable person there, after all. And no, don’t you dare try and take moral high ground after the stunts you pulled. Despite all these reasons, he’s keeping her out of battle. So I can only assume he did this because she’s a woman. Because she’s oh so fragile and will certainly gets the vapours if she ever tries to fight. Because there is just no way she can ever defeat a Big Strong Man. Because this is a man’s business. *Sighs* Look, I really don’t want to sound like a Straw Feminist, but this is the vibe I get from this fic, and it is damned infuriating. So, FUCK YOU STUS, AND FUCK YOU STUTHOR!
Mantra: *Crosses arms* And I had a great rant all up and ready to go too! What a killjoy…
this guy is fast so I can only guess what kind of powers he has."
Nagare: Which is why you’re preventing someone with SUPER SPEED from fighting him. She’s the only one there who has any chance of matching his speed, so why the fuck isn’t she fighting?
Mantra: Did you hear that rant above? Because she’s a puny little woman and must be wrapped in cotton at all times.
Nagare: And why would he be the one to deal with Avery? He’s the least suitable person for this task! It’s more logical to pass it on to his Captain if he’s really misogynistic enough to order Riru to sit and watch! After all, the guy has already defeated one person with super speed! I’m sure he can deal with another!
Mantra: The guy was laughing over and mocking his fallen opponents a chapter ago. I’m sure he’s fighting just because he wants to hear the little boy scream. That, and pretend he’s oh so loyal.
"Aww..." Riru pouted.
Nagare: He…he pretty much just told you, ‘you’re useless, leave the Manly tasks to the Men’, and that’s your reaction? *Mutters* At least Rebecca bitch wasn’t a spineless little twat…
Mantra: *Scoffs* She couldn’t hold up against Malfoy in his first year! Of course she was spineless. But yeah, I agree. Woman, you have SUPER SPEED! Why aren’t you punching the hell out of those guys at the speed of light whilst also taking out Avery? First the Metamorphmagi, and now this. What is up with wasted superpowers these days?
Nagare: The Stuthors give spectacular powers to their avatars to make them look oh so powerful and oh so unique, but have to axe those powers when they need conflict, because they’ve essentially made their characters into game breakers. That’s why.
Mantra: *Sighs* I know. It’s still damned annoying though…
"Get behind me." David backed Riru behind him and stepped back some.
Nagare: Because a warrior who has been living at sea and fighting pirates and have SUPER SPEED can’t possibly handle combat. Oh no. *Stabs knife into table and pulls it out again effortlessly* See this? This is what trained women can do. And if you don’t stop making these insinuations right now, the next thing I stab won’t be a table.
Mantra: How many times did the Stuthor use the word ‘back’ and ‘behind’ in that sentence? Are you sure this fic isn’t meant for the Department of Redundancy Department? I’m sure they’ll have a field day with this!
Chase vanished and reappeared behind Avery,
Nagare: Because now goddamned everyone has super speed! It’s nice to see just how useless the power of the only female protagonist is, isn’t it? *Spits* Hey, are there any other groups hunting these Stus down? Because I want them.
The Voice: …There are other groups of Sporkers, and one of them might want a jab at the Stu, but I’m sure she’ll gladly leave the juicy bits to you.
Nagare: Good. These bastards need to be shown what blades in joints feel like.
Mantra: *Accusingly* And you get upset when I get bloodthirsty!
Nagare: At least I always wait until I have ample reason to be upset!
Mantra: It’s not even a full page yet!
Nagare: *Stares* Oh god, how long is this fucking thing?
Mantra: *Shrugs* I think this is one of the shorter chapters, so it should be fine…
he cocked
Mantra: *Whistles*
Nagare: NO! I’ve had enough of that with the Rebecca sporkings! You’re not allowed to make those kinds of comments here!
his fist back and was going to punch Avery in the back of the head.
Mantra: *Sighs mournfully* We’re really not going to have ANY tension, are we? Why can’t you just say ‘he swung his fist at the back of Avery’s head, but…’? Do you seriously need to tell us everything before it happens? Do you see any good writers doing that? See what you have reduced me to? Now I can only speak in questions?
Avery grabbed Chase's wrist and tossed him over his shoulder. Chase landed on his feet
Nagare: …how? He’s being swung around by his arm! How the fuck did he manage to land feet first? What, his powers extend to gravity now?
Mantra: And landing on your feet after something like that is a supremely bad idea. You’ve got the weight of your entire body plus centrifugal force plus gravity behind you. Landing on your back is the best bet because you’re spreading the impact over a wide area. Trying to land on your feet will most likely result in broken or at least dislocated ankles. It’s not just the laws of gravity, the whole goddamned universe is warping around him to ensure he suffers no humiliations whatsoever.
and turned around to see Avery gone.
Nagare: Okay, it was not that bad the first time, but now the whole disappearing act is just getting tired. It might be impressive the first time we see a character move faster than the eye can see, but when random thugs start doing it, the trick no longer warrants being rhapsodised over. Just…VARIETY! GET SOME VARIETY!
"Here I am!" Avery announced
Mantra: How nice of him to warn the Stu beforehand. I’m glad to see such strong morals in a pirate assassin. After all, it wouldn’t be sportsmanlike if he attacked without announcing, would it?
Nagare: That is it. I’m going to stab every single one of these bitches to death, and I’ll be laughing in their faces when they try to pull their quaint little martial arts tricks on me.
Mantra: Great! That’s the spirit!
as he axe kicked Chase in the stomach.
Nagare: *Squints* He…what?
Mantra: He…apparently kicked with an axe? Or his axe kicked the Stu?
Nagare: …I…Let’s just move on.
Avery cocked his fist back
Mantra: You’ve already used that phrase! VARIETY! *Rubs forehead* At least then, I can make new jokes!
Nagare: And I thought the repetitions in Rebecca Sherwood was bad…
as air began to circle around his whole arm,
Nagare: What, air wasn’t around his arm before? His superpower is creating vacuums around his arms? I mean, it might be useful and all, but really?
Mantra: Look, this is the story with Omni-Omni fruit in it. Just…ignore it and move on. The Stuthor certainly displays fetishes for stupid, stupid powers, and he’s not going to stop no matter how much we rant.
"Hurricane Fist!"
Nagare: *Facepalm* Oh yeah, a trained assassin has a store of fancy moves, and he names them all with fancy names, and he totally shouts when he’s attacking his targets. This is so unbelievably realistic, it makes me want to go on a murdering rampage.
Mantra: And Stuthor, THINK about the names you’re giving these moves. You do not want your villains and your protagonists engaging in spontaneous fisting through unfortunate implications!
"Thors Hammer!" Chase countered
Mantra: *Scowls* And stop defiling the name of a wonderful Marvel Comics character…or the mythology of the Nordic people, for that matter.
Nagare: ‘Countered’? Seriously? Are these guys in a debate or what? It doesn’t sound like they’re fighting! It sound like they’re just standing around, posing, and shouting at each other!
Mantra: Ah, so the usual Shonen fight scene it is, then.
by making a hammer fist that produced lightning all over his hands as both of them collided.
Nagare: He…what?
Mantra: He…turned his fists into hammers which somehow generate electricity which covers his hands, which are separate objects from his fists, like semen, as his hands collided?
Nagare: …I prefer to think he was just posing stupidly.
Mantra: Yeah, that works too. Seriously, I have no idea what’s going on.
Avery then came from above once more.
The Voice: *Incoherent cursing*
Nagare: …You done? Good. So, when has Avery came from above before? I don’t recall any mention of it. Stuthor, you are writing an action scene! This means the readers have to know what the bloody actions are! How did he get up there anyways? He has the power to levitate now?
Mantra: I’m just worried by how much this all seems to turn him on.
Nagare: …You could’ve kept that to yourself, you know?
Mantra: *Sweet smile* Of course, I know.
"Tornado Kick!" Avery yelled as he came down spinning rapidly while creating a large tornado to attack Chase.
Nagare: …What? He…He’s a trained assassin! And he’s obviously competent enough that he gets sent to dispatch someone strong enough to defeat the First Mate effortlessly! What the bloody hell is he doing here? Ballet? You’re trying to kill them! Get a bloody knife and stab them in the back!
Mantra: Nah, the Stuthor’s forcing him to twirl around for our entertainment. Clearly, he believes that just because some characters in One Piece were flashy, all of them must be.
"Lightning Grenade!" Chase held a ball of lightning in his hands as it cackled and whipped around.
Nagare: The ball of lightning whipped around? What?
Mantra: Well, at least the protagonists are equally flashy. *Sighs* Stuthor, do you know what’s my favourite scene in One Piece? The one where Luffy beats up that Hyena dude just before the Sky Piea Arc. You know why? Because it’s was simplistic and it was effective. The villain was bouncing all over the place showing off his powers, and Luffy took him down with a single punch. He didn’t even have to use his devil fruit. Your protagonists, however, have to break out the big guns for every single thug they meet. That doesn’t make them look badass. At all. LEARNING HOW TO FUCKING WRITE!
Chase leaped up
Nagare: And what the fuck is up with all the jumping around? Do you seriously think going airborne during a fight is desirable?
The Voice: Be glad you weren’t here for the last chapter, then. Believe it or not, it was actually a whole lot worse.
Nagare: God…
Mantra: At least we’ll be able to show them how fighting really works soon.
and countered Avery's kick with this causing an explosion to blow them both back.
Nagare: …He knew he was chucking a grenade, and he still did it in close enough range to blow himself up as well. He knew exactly the effects of that move, and yet still couldn’t avoid it. Was stepping back a bit and giving himself some space too novel a concept? Didn’t he have any other short-range attacks he could use? You know the guy’s closing in and intending to kick you! Why the fuck would you use a grenade?
Mantra: Maybe he’s into masochism as well as sadism? That, or his single brain cell just died in an effort to escape from this monstrosity.
Nagare: *Flatly* I’m betting on the second possibility.
"That was tough...I had to hold back some." Chase commented.
Nagare: Maybe if you just PUNCHED him, instead of using a GRENADE at short range, you wouldn’t have gotten hurt! Gah!
Mantra: *Thoughtfully* Or maybe he realised what kind of fic he was in, and was desperately trying to get out via suicide?
"Who asked you to hold back!" Avery yelled
Nagare: HE WAS USING A GRENADE! NO ONE ASKED HIM TO HOLD BACK! HE HAD TO BECAUSE HE WOULD’VE KILLED HIMSELF THROUGH UTTER STUPIDITY OTHERWISE! IS EVERY FUCKING PERSON IN THIS FIC A MORON?
The Voice: Everyone who’s sporked this fic has asked that.
Nagare: Could we bring Rebecca back? At least she’s borderline tolerable if you didn’t know canon!
Mantra: I’m sure we’ll be back to Sporking her soon. Bitch.
as he punched Chase in the back of the head
Nagare: …How? The Stu just thrusted a grenade in between them! They were blown apart! They should be a dozen metres apart, FACING EACH OTHER! Or possibly still lying on the ground! Why would he want to punch him in the back of the head, when the front would be closer to him? Why? And why isn’t he fucking using weapons? Why the fuck isn’t he snapping the Stu’s neck if he’s open and defenceless and disorientated?
Mantra: He couldn’t, you see, because the Stuthor will let him beat his avatar up a bit to fake tension, but will never let his precious little Stus be killed. It’s a pity, but at least we can watch the Stus get brutalised meanwhile. *Hums* Do we get any popcorn?
causing him to faulter, "Who said we're done?"" Avery asked
Nagare: Um…no one. No one said that. What is that quip even there for? There was no prompt, no cue, no nothing! Was he schizophrenic as well?
Mantra: Relax. We’re watching a Stu get pulverised. He gets a pardon on the stupidity if it means I get to watch the Stu having his teeth knocked out. *Leans back and chugs water* Why is there no booze?
as he picked up Chase by the back of his collar and kneed him.
Nagare: …Kneed him where? He’s holding the Stu by the back of his collar! The fucking Stu is limp and leaning forwards! He’s not standing at a good angle to do any damage with his knee! The only way this works is if he suddenly teleported in front of the Stu again, and why the fuck would he do that? Why is he not crushing the Stu’s windpipes while he’s down? Is he even trying to accomplish his mission now? What the fuck?
Mantra: Hey, I’m enjoying this! You really shouldn’t get all hung up on little things like that. There’s really no purpose.
Nagare: I was trained to fight and kill as well! How the fuck can I just get over this…this amount of stupidity? God, if I were there, he would’ve been dead by the second sentence of this chapter!
Mantra: Well, I could say the same for me. *Shrugs* But we’re not, and this is all we’re getting, so we might as well enjoy it.
"Guah!"
The Voice: *Screaming coupled with dull thumping noises*
Nagare: …wow. The last chapter was bad, wasn’t it?
Mantra: *Tight-lipped* Somehow, I doubt this chapter is any better.
Chase spat out blood, then quickly went for a kick at Avery.
Nagare: …He’s VOMITING BLOOD! There are only two types of injuries that can possibly cause him to spit BLOOD! Either he somehow bit the inside of his mouth, or he has extensive internal injuries! I don’t see him being punched in the mouth so I can only assume he’s ruptured a stomach wall! So how the fuck is he still fighting? How the fuck is he still effective at fighting? And he was at the mercy of Avery! He’s on the ground before him, completely helpless! How the hell did he manage to get up and attack Avery? Why the fuck did Avery let him up in the first place? Why isn’t he dead yet? Why?
Mantra: *Raises eyebrows* All of this Stuthor’s actions scenes follow a formula, have you noticed? First the enemy appears out of nowhere, catching the main characters by surprise. And instead of using that element of surprise to their advantage and stabbing the motherfuckers there and then, they issue a formal challenge. Then the protagonists and the villains engage in inane banter. Then the villain gets the upper hand of the battle and batter around the main character for a while, and yet never attempting to do serious damage to them or end their life. Then the main characters pull a stupid power out of nowhere and utterly pwn the villain’s ass. And then they mock the villain’s corpse and sometimes defile it as well. Every single fight we have seen so far follows that exact same formula. Not good, Stuthor. Not good at all.
Nagare: It especially doesn’t make sense here, because we know the villain wants to KILL the protagonists! He doesn’t just want to teach them a lesson, or stop them from interfering, he want to KILL THEM! So why the fuck isn’t he doing anything?
Mantra: None of the antagonists are allowed to be COMPETENT in the fic, see, because then there might actually be conflict! We can’t have that, now, can we?
He used his ability to his advantage and vanished.
Nagare: IF HE WAS USING HIS ABILITY TO HIS ADVANTAGE, YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN DEAD BY NOW! HE CAN MOVE FASTER THAN THE EYE CAN SEE! THE ONLY REASON YOU’RE NOT FULL OF HOLES IS BECAUSE THE STUTHOR IS A STUPID, STUPID BASTARD AND CAN’T WRITE TO SAVE HIS LIFE!
Chase then cocked his fist back,
Nagare: VARIETY, DAMMIT! WE’VE HEARD THAT PHRASE HOW MANY TIMES NOW? THERE ARE DIFFERENT WAYS TO DESCRIBE PUNCHING PEOPLE! USING THE SAME PHRASE OVER AND OVER AGAIN IS NOT GOOD! HAVE YOU READ A SINGLE FUCKING BOOK IN YOUR LIFE?
Mantra: He can’t understand the themes of a comic book. I doubt he can handle proper prose.
"Surge Fist!" He yelled as he generated electricity around his fist he punched Avery right in the chest sending him back.
Nagare: AVERY JUST VANISHED! WE NEVER HEAR ABOUT HIM SLOWING DOWN! WE NEVER HEAR ABOUT CHASE HAVING ANY KIND OF IMMUNITY TO SUPER SPEED! SEEING AS AVERY HAS WIND POWERS, IT’S ENTIRELY POSSIBLE THAT HE JUST TURNED HIMSELF INTO AIR! HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU PUNCHING HIM? Look, I know this all probably makes sense in your head, but WE’RE NOT YOU! WE’RE THE READERS, AND WE ONLY KNOW WHAT YOU TELL US! SO IF YOUR PROTAGONISTS ARE DOING SOMETHING, YOU NEED TO EXPLAIN WHAT THAT THINGS IS! HOW THEY’RE DOING IT! WHY THEY’RE DOING IT! WE NEED FUCKING EXPOSITION!
Mantra: And yes, having a object charged with LIGHTNING connect with your chest will just send you stumbling back a few steps. Why isn’t he fried? Why is his heart alright after the fucking huge surge of electricity through them? If you have to give your protagonists insane endurance in order to spice up actions scenes, I can understand, but giving your villains immunity as well? And no, even in One Piece, not everyone is Made Of Iron.
"Good job Chase!" Riru congradulated.
Nagare: *Sighs* Stuthor, if you can’t spell big words, DON’T USE THEM! The word ‘said’ is discriminated against enough without your help, thank you.
Mantra: Yes, great job isn’t it? How he spent the better half of the battle being battered around, only surviving because their verse’s God is on his side. What an admirable fighter.
"Thanks, but we aren't done. He's fast."
Nagare: How the fuck does speed help when you’ve already been hit with lightning? All of the main characters should be DEAD, dammit!
"What kind of fruit is he using?" David asked.
Mantra: Let’s see. He can command the wind to circle his limbs. He can apparently turn into air. He’s super fast…Hm, I honestly have no idea!
"The Wind Wind Fruit,
Mantra: *Dramatic gasp* Oh! My! God! I never would’ve guessed!
Nagare: *Facepalm*
he can pretty much become and control wind.
Nagare: Which is why you somehow managed to punch him in the chest. Right. Is this thing supposed to make sense at all?
Mantra: What do you think?
Also him being as fast as wind doesn't help. Good thing I'm as fast as lightning."
Nagare: Is there anyone in this fic who doesn’t have super speed?
Mantra: Of course, they must all have super speed! Otherwise, the damned woman might actually outshine the Big Strong Men! *Retches* God, this Stuthor needs an asskicking…
"Yet you can't keep up!" Avery announced as he went to knee Chase.
Nagare: Announcing his attack and abandoning the element of surprise as always, I see.
Mantra: And deliberately going for a form of attack that will not likely be fatal. CONTRIVANCES, STUTHOR, THEY ARE NOT GOOD!
"I can, I just let you get close."
Nagare: Why? Is there any reason at all? *Facepalm* He really is masochistic, isn’t he?
Mantra: *Smug*
Chase remarked as he threw down Avery's knee
Nagare: He what? You mean, he pressed Avery’s knee back down again? Why the fuck would he do that? That doesn’t hurt Avery, and it doesn’t prevent him from trying again! If you’re so much faster than him, why not punch him in the face? Why not stab him? Why don’t you have a weapon? Are you a pirate or not?
Mantra: Oh, they’re not even fighting now! They’re not even trying to hurt each other! This isn’t even good-natured sparring! They’re just mocking wrestling because the Stuthor’s too repressed to write a proper Ho Yay scene.
Nagare: …Mantra? Just…shut up.
then kicked him across the head sending Avery off to the side.
Nagare: He couldn’t just punch him, see, because that’s not ‘Awesome’ enough for the Stuthor. No. He has to put his feet near Avery’s arms, he has to put his centre of balance somewhere where his opponent can grab hold of it easily. Because he’s a goddamned IDIOT!
Avery recovered and vanished.
Nagare: GOD, HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THAT? HOW MANY TIMES HAVE WE READ THIS SCENE? VILLAIN ATTACKS, STU BLOCKS, STU ATTACKS, VILLAIN VANISHES, THIS IS NOT JUST REPETITIVE, THIS IS GODDAMNED COPY-PASTING! I’VE HAD ENOUGH OF THAT FROM REBECCA SHERWOOD! YOU’RE WRITING A GODDAMNED ACTION SCENE! PUTTING YOUR READERS TO SLEEP SHOULD NOT BE A LEGITIMATE DANGER!
Mantra: Over half of this chapter is taken up by this one action scene, so you better get used to it. I bet we’ll see this format about a dozen more times before this page is over.
Nagare: *Rapid string of curses*
Chase jumped into the air and caught Avery's fist,
Nagare: WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK? WHEN HAS AVERY TRIED TO PUNCH HIM? HE DISAPPEARED A SENTENCE AGO! HE WAS DODGING AN ATTACK! RETREATING! WHY IS HE SUDDENLY ATTACKING THIS SENTENCE? AND WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU NEED TO JUMP INTO THE AIR TO CATCH SOMEONE’S FIST? WHAT IS WITH THIS STUTHOR AND MAKING HIS CHARACTERS JUMP AROUND LIKE DEMENTED MONKEYS? DOES HE HAVE A GODDAMNED GRASSHOPPER FETISH, OR WHAT? GAH!
Mantra: I think the characters know exactly what kind of fic they’re in, and they’re just putting on a show for the readers. Seriously, does anyone who have any experience in fighting honest jump in the air and spin around in hopes of kicking their opponent by sheer luck? I’m saying the characters are bullshitting the Stuthor, and the Stuthor’s bullshitting us.
though Avery followed up by using his other hand to attack. Chase threw it off to the side then kicked Avery in the stomach.
Nagare: YOU ARE IN MID AIR! BECAUSE YOU WERE STUPID ENOUGH TO JUMP THERE! WE SEE NO MENTION OF YOU COMING BACK DOWN, SO YOU’RE STILL STUCK IN MID AIR! YOU ARE NOT MANOEUVRABLE! YOU HAVE NO POINT OF LEVERAGE! YOU SHOULDN’T BE ABLE TO BLOCK HIS ATTACK OR THROW HIM AROUND? IF ANYTHING, HE SHOULD BE THROWING YOU AROUND BECAUSE YOU’RE IN FUCKING MID AIR!
Avery crashed into the ground, and Chase dove right at him.
Nagare: See? He was still in mid air! God, is there a law against actions scenes making sense?
Mantra: The Stuthor’s clearly never been in a fight before. *Scoffs* I doubt he can throw a punch to save his life. But he has to compensate for that, you see, and thus we get this bullshit. *Shakes head* I don’t think bad actions movies from Hong Kong were this bad…
"Bring it! Tornado Slam!" Avery called creating a large tornado from above Chase and drove him into the ground.
Nagare: Why would a tornado force him to the ground? Shouldn’t it have done the exact opposite? As in, send him flying wildly again? Tornadoes are strong winds whirling around! GRAVITY is what forces you to the ground!
Mantra: I suspect the Stuthor believes tornadoes to be exactly the same as drills, in which case he is the biggest MORON alive.
Nagare: And why hasn’t he used this power before? If he can generate winds this strong out of nowhere, why hasn’t he chucked all the protagonists into the fucking sea?
Mantra: Because every single character in this fic is a moron. Really, it’s hard to write intelligent characters when you can’t outwit a snail.
Go Forward to: Chapter 5, Part 2
Go Back to: Chapter 4, Part 2.