One Piece: Bound For Glory - Chapter 8 Part 5:
FINALLY, this is the last part. Some lulz is back for this chapter, but over all, it's every bit as infuriating as the parts before it.
After this, I'm going to take a slight break in sporking. I will still update, and I have a nice, little project in mind that I think will be interesting, but updates on sporkings will be less frequent. I'll try to get one chapter done every fortnight, if at all possible, but don't hold your breath.
This fic has just...broken me. I seriously need to take a break after this chapter and read some good books.
Anyways, Disclaimers and Warnings from Part 1 apply.
Enjoy:
"Hmph, seems like you did." A man stated.
The Girl: What? What the fuck? Where did he come from? How did he get in there? Who the fuck is he? Stuthor, you need TRANSITIONS! You need FORESHADOWING! You can’t fucking drop a character on us from the sky! At least say something along the lines of, ‘He heard a faint rustle behind him, followed by slow, measured footsteps.’!
Robin: I’m just glad that he didn’t feel the need to put in another scene of the ‘mysterious’ man coming for David.
The Girl: Nah, he did. Just in an earlier chapter.
Robin: Well, then I’m glad that I wasn’t there for that.
The Girl: And how convenient is it that he arrives JUST as David delivers his ‘climatic and awesome’ move, so he can fully appreciate the awesomeness of the Stu? It wouldn’t do to have him come any earlier and steal the spotlight, or any later and thus, not see the Stu’s coolness. No, space and time bow to the Stu’s whims. *Goes back to eating cake*
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 50 (Oh god, this count is ridiculously high. I’m so sorry, but he just SAW David defeat the Shark King! There is no SEEM! He actually did it!)
THESAURUS RAPE: 12 (That is not a statement. It is an observation.)
DEPARTMENT OF REDUNDANCY DEPARTMENT: 28 (Yes, we know the Stu defeated a former Shichibukai. You don’t have to have the characters keep repeating it).
"Huh?" David looked around
The Girl: I bet he’s drooling vacantly too.
Robin: A strange man is in the room with unknown intentions…and he does not even bother to get up. Yes, I can see why he would become a feared pirate later.
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 51
to see a tall, light toned man
The Girl: Light toned? What, is he the colour of light? Or does he exercise with light? Or does this have something to do with Death Note?
with green hair,
Robin: Mr. Swordsman? What are you doing here?
The Girl: Oh, I swear, if the Stuthor has the audacity to drag Zoro into this, blood is going to spill.
de had cold blue eyes,
The Girl: …I have no idea how you can accidentally press ‘d’, when you wanted ‘h’. Those two letters are nowhere near each other! I can only assume that the Stuthor typed this out with his ass. It’s the only conclusion that makes sense.
Robin: Yes, and I’m sure refrigerating your own eyes is very unhealthy.
The Girl: Oh, by the way, this character is EEEEEEEEEEEVVVVVVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLL! Did you get that? He’s EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL! He kicks puppies and ties virgins to train tracks every Tuesday afternoon! We know that because he has cold eyes, and only EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL people have cold eyes! After all, what’s the point of actually SHOWING him to be evil, if all you have to do is tell the readers to take your word for it, and be done!
and seemd quite muscular,
The Girl: Oh, he only seemed that way though. He was actually an out-of-shape alcoholic. Yeah.
he had many scars on his body
Robin: Instead of having many scars on his shoes?
DEPARTMENT OF REDUNDANCY DEPARTMENT: 29
that were visible from underneath an open long red coat
The Girl: …He was naked under his coat? Uh…okay, then. That…You know what? I’m not even going to comment. Let’s just move on.
with many pockets on it,
The Girl: How many is many? Does he have fifty pockets covering his coat? Because that is not fashionable.
with long blue pants
The Girl: What, no ‘jean pants’? Aww…I was waiting for it too. *Stabs her cake*
with holes in the knee parts
The Girl: …*Bursts out laughing and knocks her cake onto the ground*
Robin: The knee PARTS. His pants come in PARTS. I…wasn’t aware that they sold pants that required assemblage.
The Girl: And HOLES! How the hell did he get holes there? How long does he spend on his knees every day? Or did he deliberate cut holes there because he thought it’d be cool? That the whole world would want to see his scraggly, knobbly knees? *Collapses into laughter again*
Robin: I think that we have established that this Stuthor has all the fashion sense of a cross-dressing rhinoceros.
and black boars.
The Girl: He has a black WHAT?
Robin: …Why on earth would he bring his pet into a situation like this? How would it help in any way at all?
The Girl: He has a WHAT as a pet?
Robin: And why would he bring more than one? Are they security blankets? Does he feel naked without them there?
The Girl: Please, don’t put this fic and bestiality that close to each other. Fate has a willpower score of zero, you know.
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 52 (One count for the entire description paragraph, because that is NOT threatening. On any level.)
The Girl: I would just like to point out that every single paragraph from the start of this fic was only one or two lines long, with awkward actions tagged onto a line of stupid dialogue. That description there was four or five lines long. It looks ridiculous when paired with the rest of the fic, and it feels ridiculous when you read it too. It’s like time just stopped so the Stuthor can info-dump on us, and everything we are told are completely inconsequential. None of this ever comes up again, and it ruins a potentially dramatic moment because I’m too busy laughing over the boars and holes in knee parts to care about his motivations.
Robin: This could almost be a half-way interesting idea. A mysterious and powerful man is following around our Stus, with obvious nefarious purposes. He shows up at the end of every fight, no matter where it may be, and no one ever notices him until he appears. They have no idea what he is after, they have no idea how to fight him, and every victory turns sour when that calculating, even voice appears…
The Girl: Yeah…that would be appropriately creepy, wouldn’t it? And he’s a half-way intelligent character too, not announcing his appearance as soon as he arrives so the characters are prepared for him…
"Who are you?" David asked wearily.
The Girl: Yes, despite having ample energy to leap clean over a gigantic ball of water, punching someone takes it all out of you. Hey, isn’t beating people up such a chore?
Robin: And he’s still not getting up. How…stupid.
"My name is Wrath Maestor,
The Girl: WRATH MAESTOR? His name is WRATH MAESTOR? *Breaks down laughing* Lucky he’s in the One Piece universe, so he doesn’t have to go to high school!
Robin: I assure you, that name is still…very unusual where I live. He is guaranteed much mockery if he ever tried to introduce himself as that on a pirate ship.
I'm a Shichibukai and was ordered to kill Tiburon.
The Girl: …Uh…why would you tell him that? Seriously, why? He’s a completely random stranger! He’s a goddamned rookie pirate who’s never been outside of East Blue! Just because he killed your enemy, doesn’t mean he’s your friend! Do you routinely go around shouting confidential information at the top of your lungs? Why did he even need to know that? What the freaking hell?
Robin: And yes, it is so very in-character for the Shichibukai to follow orders so diligently. Look, he even complied with the order himself, instead of ordering an underling to take care of the task. Because, of course he would have time to personally kill a small-fry like the Shark King. I mean, what else is he supposed to be doing, other than info-dumping for the Stu?
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 53
Though seems like you've already done that. Thanks."
The Girl: …A rookie pirate just single-handedly took down your former colleague. And that is your reaction? He somehow defeated someone who was once in the same league as you, doesn’t seem to be injured at all, and couldn’t even be bothered to sit up to greet you…and THAT is your reaction? Kill the goddamned Stu, he’s COMPETITION! He’s presenting a threat! Did you see the shit-storm the World Government kicked up when Luffy defeated Crocodile? And if you saw how he defeated the Shark King, THEN WHY AREN’T YOU FREAKING OUT? THE KID HAS HAKI, AND HAS MASTERY OVER IT TOO! HAKI! HE IS SERIOUS COMPETITION!
Robin: And if he was so eager to kill the Shark King that he personally left Grand Line and sailed to the middle-of-nowhere in East Blue, then he wouldn’t be thanking the Stu for taking his prey. He would be very angry. If he didn’t want to kill the Shark King, and is only doing it out of duty, then I have to ask you, when has the Shichibukai ever shown deference to anyone? If he didn’t want to do something, he wouldn’t, orders or no. You don’t become a feared pirate lord by meekly following orders!
"Huh...you're a Shichibukai? Don't tell me you want East Blue too!"
The Girl: *Facepalm* Yes, because they have nothing else to do. Screw becoming the Pirate King, screw establishing businesses in the Grand Line, screw drinking cocktail with naked strippers on his lap, all he wants to do is take over your hometown, because he’s born to mildly inconvenience you.
Robin: Please, when have you ever even THOUGHT about East Blue during your fight with the Shark King? You’re in this for power and glory, and personal sadism. At least have the decency to admit it.
"Of course not, I don't care what happens here."
The Girl: Including the appearance of a rookie pirate who has complete control of Haki? Yeah, you do that. After all, preparing for your enemies is for LOSERS!
Robin: To be fair, the arrogant attitude does fit the Shichibukai well. But when the protagonists display the same arrogance, nay, when the protagonists are even more arrogant than the Shichibukai…the impact is significantly lessened.
"Well I do..." A voice commented.
The Girl: WHAT? WHERE DID THAT COME FROM? GODDAMN IT, YOU CAN’T JUST DROP THINGS ON US OUT OF NOWHERE! TRANSITIONS! FORESHADOWING! YOU HAVE TO GIVE THE READERS A LITTLE SENSE OF WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING, BECAUSE WE KIND OF NEED THAT TO COMPREHEND A STORY! WE DO NOT HAVE FUCKING TELEPATHIC BONDS TO YOU! TELL US WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING!
"Huh?" David looked up
The Girl: He’s saying that a lot in this section, isn’t he? I wonder what that says about his intelligence…
Robin: All you would need to do to get the answer is look at the Too Dumb To Live count. It’s the first one to break the 50 mark, isn’t it?
The Girl: Please, don’t remind me…
to see Tiburon hanging onto what was left of the platform.
The Girl: What, the FLOATING platform? How did he get up there? Did he suddenly gain the ability to fly?
Robin: And he recovered pretty quickly, didn’t he? Hmm…I seem to recall someone triumphantly declaring their victory a few paragraphs ago. This humiliation wouldn’t have happened if that someone had the brains to check if their enemy is truly incapacitated, would it?
FAUX MADE OF IRON: 17
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 54
His whole head seemed bashed in as he struggled to keep from drowning.
The Girl: I…only have this to say: WHY THE FUCK IS HE STILL ALIVE? WHY THE FUCK IS HE STILL CONSCIOUS? WHY THE FUCK IS HE STILL LUCID? HOW THE FUCK CAN HE SPEAK COHERENTLY? WHERE DID HE GET THE STRENGTH TO KEEP HANGING ON? HIS FUCKING HEAD IS BASHED IN! HIS BRAIN IS MUSH! YOU DO NOT FUCKING SURVIVE THAT EVEN IN THE ONE PIECE UNIVERSE! GAH!
FAUX MADE OF IRON: 20
"I'm not dead...
The Girl: WHY NOT? STUTHOR, THIS WAS STUPID THE FIRST TIME WE HAD TO READ IT! STOP RUBBING IT IN! THIS IS NOT A POINT THAT YOU WOULD WANT TO KEEP HAMMERING ON ABOUT! TRUST ME!
though that punch did hurt.
The Girl: NO FUCKING SHIT! IT CAVED YOUR FUCKING HEAD IN!
FAUX MADE OF IRON: 21
DEPARTMENT OF REDUNDANCY DEPARTMENT: 39
Robin: Please don’t tell me they are going to have another drawn out action scene?
The Girl: Oh, don’t worry. I won't be cruel enough to subject you to that.
I'm not going to lose to some stupid monkey boy like him!"
Robin: *Clears throat* YOU ALREADY LOST, YOU MORON!
The Girl: DUDE, HE BASHED YOUR HEAD IN! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING TO DO?
Robin: He apparently punched the Shark King’s devil fruit ability right out of him too, so it’s not like he can shift forms again to instantly heal all injuries. I…really don’t understand how this world works.
The Girl: You have to think like the Stuthor to comprehend. Is something convenient to the plot and shows the readers how AWESOME the Stu is? Then it shall happen.
"Tiburon..." Wrath lifted Tiburon in the air.
The Girl: Darth Vader? Well, you’ve had a change in fashion sense recently…
Robin: …Am I the only one who thinks that this sounds a bit…romantic? With the whole loving name-calling and sweeping someone off their feet…
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 43 (If you’re going to follow orders to kill him, then just fucking do it! Don’t stand around and gaze into his eyes soulfully! Snap his goddamned neck!)
SHUT UP, I’M AWESOME: 39 (Well, no one’s jumping into the air, but lifting someone else in the air counts, right?)
"Wrath...please don't! Please don't kill me!"
The Girl: …IS HE A BADASS WARRIOR WHO NEVER GIVES UP, DESPITE THE ODDS OR NOT? YOU CANNOT HAVE HIM DECLARING VICTORY OVER THE STU AND ACTING ALL ARROGANT AND SELF-ASSURED, ONLY TO HAVE HIM BEG FOR HIS LIFE LIKE A SPINELESS WIMP ONE SECOND LATER! CONSISTENT CHARACTERISATION, DAMMIT! THESE ARE YOUR ORIGINAL CHARACTERS! YOU THOUGHT THEM UP! HAVE SOME IDEA OF HOW THEY WOULD REACT TO SITUATIONS! NEVER HAS THE SHARK KING SHOWN FEAR IN THE FACE OF DEATH! HE MORE OR LESS BRUSHED OFF BEING STABBED IN THE TORSO! WHY THE FUCK WOULD HE START BEGGING NOW?
Robin: And what was he trying to achieve? Has begging ever worked against a Shichibukai? If they want you dead, you are going to be dead, unless you fight back. He is a former Shichibukai, too! Why not bargain for his life? Promise the Shichibukai a portion of the money he collected from a quarter of the world! Does he not have any blackmail material on his former colleagues? If so, then why not? He should have prepared it as soon as he thought of leaving them! This character does not act like a seasoned pirate at all! He acts exactly like how every other character in this fic does: like a retarded teenager desperate to make himself look more manly, and failing with every word that comes out of his mouth!
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 55
"Well sorry, not my orders."
The Girl: Why would you obey them if you didn’t like them? You’re a pirate lord! The government allied themselves with you because they couldn’t afford to go up against you! You have absolutely no obligations to listen to a word they say! Stuthor, have you seen the way the Shichibukai act in canon? When the government summoned them, only three showed up out of seven, and the marines were SURPRISED that so many came! Mihawk never answers their call! They don’t do anything they don’t want to do! The only feasible reason for him to kill the Shark King is if he wanted to! The World Government has absolutely no authority over these people! It’s a mutually-beneficial alliance! Not a goddamned one-sided slavery!
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 56
Wrath sighed as he snapped Tiburon's neck.
Robin: *Blinks* Well…that was quick. I was half expecting another action scene between the Shichibukai and the Shark King.
The Girl: Now, if all the other characters had half the sense he did…Did I just call an obedient Shichibukai sensible? *Shakes head* This fic is taking its toll on me…
"What the..."
The Girl: Yes. That is his reaction to murder. That is his reaction to the murder of a completely helpless and defenceless man who died pleading for his life. A man who has done absolutely no bad acts on screen, by the way. To be fair to the Stuthor, we are meant to be seeing Wrath *giggles* as a bad guy here, and we’re supposed to dislike him…so at least he’s trying to make this murder reprehensible…except how he glorified murder two sections ago. When the heroes commit the exact same acts as the villains, and yet only the villains are punished for it, you know you have a serious problem. And when your ‘heroes’ react to an Evil Act with mild confusion and apathy…yeah, I don’t think I need to go on.
Robin: To be fair, the Stu’s murder two sections ago is actually worse. At least here, the villain has the excuse of following orders, because people don’t go against the World Government and live. The Stu did it because he wanted to. Because he was starting to feel impatient.
SOCIOPATHY: 30
"I'm going to leave now...
The Girl: Uh…nice for you to drop by. So…what the hell was your purpose in this scene? You’re just here to demonstrate how MYTERIOUS and EVIL you are? Okay…
Robin: And why would he need to report his actions to the Stu? Does he just like banter? That’s not a very threatening trait, you know.
keep up the good work...
The Girl: (Wrath) Yes, keep getting closer to becoming the Pirate King and stealing my power base. Why on earth would I have a problem with that?
Robin: (Wrath) Yes, thank you for taking care of my mission for me! I obviously wanted to kill the man enough to abandon my entire crew and sail half way across the world, but I’m totally okay with you getting here before me. Yeah, I don’t care I essentially wasted months on nothing. I mean, how could I ever blame you, O Glorious Stu?
monkey boy."
The Girl: WHAT THE FLYING FUCK…NO! THAT WAS LUFFY’S NICKNAME! YOU LEAVE THAT NICKNAME ALONE! YOU ARE NO WHERE NEAR AWESOME TO DEFILE LUFFY’S NAME! AND AFTER WHAT YOU SAID ABOUT STEALING HIS PERSONAL BELONGINGS, IT JUST MAKES THIS TEN TIMES WORSE!
Robin: Not to mention, people call Luffy that name for a reason. He was thin and scrawny, hyperactive, and he happened to have Monkey as a surname. Why would Wrath nickname your Stu that if he hasn’t seen him in action, only talked to him for half a minute, and doesn’t even know his name? Apart from how you want to steal every single one of Captain’s attributes and give them to your Stu, because you wish you could be as awesome as him?
With that Wrath was gone and Tiburon drowned in his own abyss.
The Girl: HE DIDN’T DROWN, GODDAMIT! HIS NECK WAS SNAPPED! HE WAS DEAD BEFORE HE…wait, when was he ever tossed into the water? He was on a platform when Wrath picked him up, so…WHAT ON EARTH IS HAPPENING?
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 57
"David!" Chase grunted
The Girl: AND WHERE DID THEY COME FROM? WHEN I SAID THAT THE VILLAINS NEED TO STOP ANNOUNCING THEIR PRESENCE AND ANY ATTACKS THEY WANT TO MAKE, I DIDN’T MEAN YOU SHOULD START DROPPING RANDOM CHARACTERS OUT OF NOWHERE! God, this feels like a badly edited porno, where the scenes jump around randomly until we finally get to the sex scene, because the director is far too eager to bother paying attention to the build up…If this fic starts featuring smut, I will kill myself.
Robin: Well, with the grunting and name-calling, I really question whether it has already begun to feature smut.
The Girl: *Pauses* *Attempts to claw own throat open*
Robin: *Restrains with Keyboard of Power*
as he, Riru, and Avery found him laying
The Girl: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-
down.
The Girl: …oh. *Sighs in relief*
Robin: They…found him laying down? When did he ever get up? He was already lying down!
"Hey you guys.."
Robin: (David) Hey, guys! Do you know what I just saw? This guy just waltzed in and totally snapped the Shark King’s neck! Man, it was awesome!
"You beat him?" Avery asked.
The Girl: …The Shark King is dead. David is alive. WHAT THE FUCKING HELL DID YOU THINK?
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 58
"Of course I did.." David smiled
The Girl: WE KNOW YOU DID! AND IT STILL MAKE NO SENSE! NONE! SO STOP BRAGGING! ARROGANT ASSHOLES ARE NEVER LIKEABLE!
as he looked one with his left eye,
Robin: …What?
The Girl: …I have no idea. Apparently, you can look a numerical value nowadays.
he had a cut below his right eye that Riru would have to stitch up.
The Girl: …OH FANTASTIC. YOU HAD TO GO AND STEAL LUFFY’S SCAR TOO? IS THERE NO DEPTHS TO WHICH YOU WILL NOT SINK? AND CONGRATULATIONS ON MISSING THE POINT OF CANON AGAIN! Luffy’s scar was self-inflicted. It showed his childish naivety, in that he does not understand the dangers of the seas, but it also showed his determination. He was willing to disfigure himself to prove his bravery. It was a sign of what was about to come. And it showed his admiration for Shank, and the lengths to which he will go to gain Shanks’ approval.
Your Stu gained his scar when he was fighting the Shark King. When he was fighting a man that had committed no evil acts that he has witnessed. When he deliberately tried to kill a man for absolutely no reason. It didn’t show us anything about his dream, it didn’t do anything to expand his character. That scar does NOTHING except rip off canon.
AND YOU HAVE THE BALLS TO EXPECT ME TO LIKE YOUR CHARATER? TO THE EXTENT THAT I WILL COMPARE HIM FAVOURABLY WITH LUFFY? FUCK YOU!
Robin: And how on earth did he get a cut there? The Shark King mostly attacked with fists or tentacles, despite having swords. He certainly never landed a hit with his sword, and given the size of the thing, if he did land a hit in the face area, there would be significantly more than a ‘cut’ there. Also, injuries around that area are very hard to treat. It is far too close to the eye, so stitching it up without damaging someone’s sight is extremely difficult, even with qualified, experienced doctors. I look forward to watching someone with only basic knowledge of first aid attempt it.
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 59
"Good, let's get out of here."
The Girl: *Pleasant smile* And how do you plan to do that with no boat? Are you going to swim to the next island? Hell, you don’t even have a compass or a map!
Chase interveined.
Robin: To intervene is to stop an event from continuing and it carries the connotation that the event is undesirable, like intervening in a fight. What, exactly, was David doing with Avery?
THESAURUS RAPE: 13
Robin: You know, it really doesn’t make you a bad writer if you use ‘said’ once in a while. In fact, it will improve your prose!
The Girl: Really, you would have to try to write worse prose than this. I’ve seen troll parodies that have better grammar and spelling…
"Agreed, I'm hungry."
The Girl: (David) Man, watching some innocent guy be killed whilst begging for his own life really makes me want a hamburger!
Robin: I guess this is another attempt to copy the Captain?
The Girl: What else could it be? Except he fails, of course, because when has Luffy ever said ‘agreed’ to a question?
SOCIOPATHY: 31
"Well where's our next stop?" Riru asked.
The Girl: NOWHERE! Because you don’t have a boat!
Robin: I can buy Chase momentarily forgetting that they lost their boat, seeing as Riru didn’t have time to elaborate before he was distracted, and his mind is occupied with David right now. But Riru forgetting? After she personally picked up all of the pieces of flesh and loaded them into the boat?
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 60
"A restraunt!" David smiled,
The Girl: I really hate to keep hammering on about this point…but this is less than a minute after he watched a man die. And all he can think about is himself. Namely, how much beating the shit out of someone and attempting to murder them makes him hungry.
SOCIOPATHY: 32
with that everyone laughed.
The Girl: Why? Am I hearing the same things they are hearing? Because there’s nothing funny here at all! Did someone release drugs into the fic or what?
Robin: Well, of course they must laugh! The main Stu smiled! They have to follow his lead. Otherwise, they may have to be punished.
They had felt like they had just won a war. Though a battle with a Shichibukai was similar to a war indeed.
The Girl: NO IT WAS FUCKING NOT! DON’T YOU DARE SULLY THE MEMORIES OF COUNTLESS VETERANS BY COMPARING THAT LITTLE SHIT-FEST TO A WAR! PEOPLE ACTUALLY TRY TO END WARS, YOU KNOW! YOU WERE PURPOSELY DRAGGING THE FIGHTING OUT BECAUSE IT WAS FUN! LUFFY’S INVASION OF THE MARINE HEADQUARTERS WAS A WAR! THIS WAS FUCKING NOT! THIS MAY BE A BATTLE! IT MAY BE A FIGHT! IT WAS NOT A WAR!
THESAURUS RAPE: 19 (Be grateful that it's not a Sociopathy count.)
Robin: Stuthor, do you have any idea what people usually feel when a war ends? Grief, sorrow, regret, pain, relief…yes, there is joy, but all wars end on a bitter-sweet note, if not a completely bitter note. Yes, there is celebration, but there is also a lot of grief and funerals. Please, don’t even try to handle as delicate a topic as war. It has been done by people with far more talent than you, and your feeble attempts at portraying conflict is an insult to the literary world.
Next Time:
The Girl: YES! THE CHAPTER’S FINISHED! YAY! *Throws confetti*
David and his crew have now beaten one of the former Shichibukai,
The Girl: *Slumps* Oh great. Haven’t you rubbed that in enough? I’ve pointed out how stupid it is! It really doesn’t do you any favours to remind me of it!
Robin: ONE of the former Shichibukai? Are there a lot of them around in this universe? The World Government don’t take to betrayals kindly, and the other Shichibukai would probably not be very happy with it either. And it is difficult to make it into their rank in the first place. Why are there so many people running about, having joined and then left the Shichibukai?
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 61
as awarding that is. It doesn't pay,
The Girl: AWARDING? SLAUGHTERING HUNDREDS AND WATCHING PEOPLE BEING BRUTALLY KILLED IS AWARDING? AND YOU’RE WHINING ABOUT NOT BEING PAID FOR IT? Actually, do you even remember your motivation, anymore? You didn’t do this for pay! You did it to liberate East Blue! Shouldn’t the people’s happiness and freedom be payment enough? Or were you expecting people to hail you as their saviour and present offerings to your shrines? WHO THE FUCK WHINES ABOUT NOT BEING PAID FOR MURDER?
Robin: Why don’t they become assassins if they are that worried about payment? That career choice would lead them to their dreams just as well as pirating. Oh, and that sentence is awkwardly constructed. ‘As’ should be the start of a new sentence, and the period should be a comma.
SOCIOPATHY: 33
now they need to find a real boat for them to use
The Girl: Oh great. SOMEONE remembers that they don’t have a fucking boat anymore! So how the hell are they going to get off the island? Face it, your Stus are stranded. The only thing they can do now is sit around and starve and hope that someone has the decency to pick them up.
Robin: And are they intending to get a new row boat? Shouldn’t they be looking for a ship? And are you implying that the vehicle they sailed to Warship Island on was not a real boat? Then what was it? A toy?
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 62
to sail across the East Blue into the Grand Line!
The Girl: Why do they want to get into the Grand Line anyways? Is that where Luffy and Zoro were buried? Or are they just going that way because you have all the originality of a charcoal stick?
First stop, where ever they dock.
Robin: *Blinks* Well, that’s informative.
The Girl: HOW ARE THEY GETTING OFF THE ISLAND? HOW ARE THEY GOING TO GET TO THE NEXT ISLAND WITH NO MAPS OR COMPASSES? ARE THEY PLANNING THEIR JOURNEY AT ALL? SHOULDN’T THEY BE HEADING IN THE DIRECTION OF THE GRAND LINE? WHY ARE THEY JUST FLOATING AROUND FOR NO PURPOSE? WHY ARE YOU DRAGGING THIS OUT? I HATE YOU! I HATE THIS FIC! HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATE!
Robin: *Hits the girl over the head with the keyboard* Hold it together! We’re almost at the end.
Review!
The Girl: HERE’S YOUR FUCKING REVIEW!
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATE.
The girl stopped and gasped for breath, her hair flying about her face wildly, tangled with her many attempts at ripping her own hair out.
‘Ah, finished.’ Robin watched the screen click off with a satisfied smile. ‘It was more…tedious than I imagined, but it wasn’t all that bad.’
‘You’re a stronger person than me.’ The girl chuckled weakly. She lifted her hand and a blue portal opened at the end of the sofa. ‘Before you go though, take this.’ She fished around underneath her seat for a moment, and extracted a large, brown paper bag.
Robin took it and opened it curiously. Inside was a couple of thick volumes and what appeared to be a bag of chocolate.
‘I couldn’t find history books from your universe, so I had to use mine…I hope you don’t mind.’ The girl explained, brushing her fingers through her hair in an attempt to straighten them again.
‘Nami will be disappointed that no cash is involved in the payment.’ Robin smiled, ‘But this is just what I was hoping for. Thank you. If you ever need my help again, I would be more than happy to come back.’
The girl returned her smile wearily, ‘No, I should be thanking you. Good luck on your journey, and…just as a word of warning, please never doubt yourself. It won’t do anyone any good.’
Robin raised an eyebrow, and when no explanation came, nodded her head and stepped through the portal.
The girl watched her disappear in the blue swirl and buried her head in her hands with a groan. ‘Fantastic. Where am I going to find my next team of sporkers?’
FINAL COUNTS:
FAUX MADE OF IRON: 21 (Yes, 21 opportunities for serious injury gone to waste.)
ONOMATOPOEIAS ARE COOL: 39 (In a single chapter. Please kill me.)
DEPARTMENT OF REDUNDANCY DEPARTMENT: 29
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 62 (Granted, I did abuse this count quite a bit.)
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 44 (44 chances where the Stu could have died. 44 chances that the fic could have ended. Now, do you see why I'm so angry?)
SHUT UP, I'M AWESOME: 39 (Aren't you glad I didn't try to make you do the drinking game this chapter?)
SOCIOPATHY: 33 (Yes, I abused this count too, often giving two or three counts for a single incident, but can you blme me?)
THESAURUS RAPE: 14 (One day, I'm going to find a harlequin Suethor, so someone can do this count justice.)
Go Forward to: Chapter 9, Part 1
Go back to: Chapter 8, Part 4
After this, I'm going to take a slight break in sporking. I will still update, and I have a nice, little project in mind that I think will be interesting, but updates on sporkings will be less frequent. I'll try to get one chapter done every fortnight, if at all possible, but don't hold your breath.
This fic has just...broken me. I seriously need to take a break after this chapter and read some good books.
Anyways, Disclaimers and Warnings from Part 1 apply.
Enjoy:
"Hmph, seems like you did." A man stated.
The Girl: What? What the fuck? Where did he come from? How did he get in there? Who the fuck is he? Stuthor, you need TRANSITIONS! You need FORESHADOWING! You can’t fucking drop a character on us from the sky! At least say something along the lines of, ‘He heard a faint rustle behind him, followed by slow, measured footsteps.’!
Robin: I’m just glad that he didn’t feel the need to put in another scene of the ‘mysterious’ man coming for David.
The Girl: Nah, he did. Just in an earlier chapter.
Robin: Well, then I’m glad that I wasn’t there for that.
The Girl: And how convenient is it that he arrives JUST as David delivers his ‘climatic and awesome’ move, so he can fully appreciate the awesomeness of the Stu? It wouldn’t do to have him come any earlier and steal the spotlight, or any later and thus, not see the Stu’s coolness. No, space and time bow to the Stu’s whims. *Goes back to eating cake*
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 50 (Oh god, this count is ridiculously high. I’m so sorry, but he just SAW David defeat the Shark King! There is no SEEM! He actually did it!)
THESAURUS RAPE: 12 (That is not a statement. It is an observation.)
DEPARTMENT OF REDUNDANCY DEPARTMENT: 28 (Yes, we know the Stu defeated a former Shichibukai. You don’t have to have the characters keep repeating it).
"Huh?" David looked around
The Girl: I bet he’s drooling vacantly too.
Robin: A strange man is in the room with unknown intentions…and he does not even bother to get up. Yes, I can see why he would become a feared pirate later.
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 51
to see a tall, light toned man
The Girl: Light toned? What, is he the colour of light? Or does he exercise with light? Or does this have something to do with Death Note?
with green hair,
Robin: Mr. Swordsman? What are you doing here?
The Girl: Oh, I swear, if the Stuthor has the audacity to drag Zoro into this, blood is going to spill.
de had cold blue eyes,
The Girl: …I have no idea how you can accidentally press ‘d’, when you wanted ‘h’. Those two letters are nowhere near each other! I can only assume that the Stuthor typed this out with his ass. It’s the only conclusion that makes sense.
Robin: Yes, and I’m sure refrigerating your own eyes is very unhealthy.
The Girl: Oh, by the way, this character is EEEEEEEEEEEVVVVVVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLL! Did you get that? He’s EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL! He kicks puppies and ties virgins to train tracks every Tuesday afternoon! We know that because he has cold eyes, and only EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL people have cold eyes! After all, what’s the point of actually SHOWING him to be evil, if all you have to do is tell the readers to take your word for it, and be done!
and seemd quite muscular,
The Girl: Oh, he only seemed that way though. He was actually an out-of-shape alcoholic. Yeah.
he had many scars on his body
Robin: Instead of having many scars on his shoes?
DEPARTMENT OF REDUNDANCY DEPARTMENT: 29
that were visible from underneath an open long red coat
The Girl: …He was naked under his coat? Uh…okay, then. That…You know what? I’m not even going to comment. Let’s just move on.
with many pockets on it,
The Girl: How many is many? Does he have fifty pockets covering his coat? Because that is not fashionable.
with long blue pants
The Girl: What, no ‘jean pants’? Aww…I was waiting for it too. *Stabs her cake*
with holes in the knee parts
The Girl: …*Bursts out laughing and knocks her cake onto the ground*
Robin: The knee PARTS. His pants come in PARTS. I…wasn’t aware that they sold pants that required assemblage.
The Girl: And HOLES! How the hell did he get holes there? How long does he spend on his knees every day? Or did he deliberate cut holes there because he thought it’d be cool? That the whole world would want to see his scraggly, knobbly knees? *Collapses into laughter again*
Robin: I think that we have established that this Stuthor has all the fashion sense of a cross-dressing rhinoceros.
and black boars.
The Girl: He has a black WHAT?
Robin: …Why on earth would he bring his pet into a situation like this? How would it help in any way at all?
The Girl: He has a WHAT as a pet?
Robin: And why would he bring more than one? Are they security blankets? Does he feel naked without them there?
The Girl: Please, don’t put this fic and bestiality that close to each other. Fate has a willpower score of zero, you know.
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 52 (One count for the entire description paragraph, because that is NOT threatening. On any level.)
The Girl: I would just like to point out that every single paragraph from the start of this fic was only one or two lines long, with awkward actions tagged onto a line of stupid dialogue. That description there was four or five lines long. It looks ridiculous when paired with the rest of the fic, and it feels ridiculous when you read it too. It’s like time just stopped so the Stuthor can info-dump on us, and everything we are told are completely inconsequential. None of this ever comes up again, and it ruins a potentially dramatic moment because I’m too busy laughing over the boars and holes in knee parts to care about his motivations.
Robin: This could almost be a half-way interesting idea. A mysterious and powerful man is following around our Stus, with obvious nefarious purposes. He shows up at the end of every fight, no matter where it may be, and no one ever notices him until he appears. They have no idea what he is after, they have no idea how to fight him, and every victory turns sour when that calculating, even voice appears…
The Girl: Yeah…that would be appropriately creepy, wouldn’t it? And he’s a half-way intelligent character too, not announcing his appearance as soon as he arrives so the characters are prepared for him…
"Who are you?" David asked wearily.
The Girl: Yes, despite having ample energy to leap clean over a gigantic ball of water, punching someone takes it all out of you. Hey, isn’t beating people up such a chore?
Robin: And he’s still not getting up. How…stupid.
"My name is Wrath Maestor,
The Girl: WRATH MAESTOR? His name is WRATH MAESTOR? *Breaks down laughing* Lucky he’s in the One Piece universe, so he doesn’t have to go to high school!
Robin: I assure you, that name is still…very unusual where I live. He is guaranteed much mockery if he ever tried to introduce himself as that on a pirate ship.
I'm a Shichibukai and was ordered to kill Tiburon.
The Girl: …Uh…why would you tell him that? Seriously, why? He’s a completely random stranger! He’s a goddamned rookie pirate who’s never been outside of East Blue! Just because he killed your enemy, doesn’t mean he’s your friend! Do you routinely go around shouting confidential information at the top of your lungs? Why did he even need to know that? What the freaking hell?
Robin: And yes, it is so very in-character for the Shichibukai to follow orders so diligently. Look, he even complied with the order himself, instead of ordering an underling to take care of the task. Because, of course he would have time to personally kill a small-fry like the Shark King. I mean, what else is he supposed to be doing, other than info-dumping for the Stu?
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 53
Though seems like you've already done that. Thanks."
The Girl: …A rookie pirate just single-handedly took down your former colleague. And that is your reaction? He somehow defeated someone who was once in the same league as you, doesn’t seem to be injured at all, and couldn’t even be bothered to sit up to greet you…and THAT is your reaction? Kill the goddamned Stu, he’s COMPETITION! He’s presenting a threat! Did you see the shit-storm the World Government kicked up when Luffy defeated Crocodile? And if you saw how he defeated the Shark King, THEN WHY AREN’T YOU FREAKING OUT? THE KID HAS HAKI, AND HAS MASTERY OVER IT TOO! HAKI! HE IS SERIOUS COMPETITION!
Robin: And if he was so eager to kill the Shark King that he personally left Grand Line and sailed to the middle-of-nowhere in East Blue, then he wouldn’t be thanking the Stu for taking his prey. He would be very angry. If he didn’t want to kill the Shark King, and is only doing it out of duty, then I have to ask you, when has the Shichibukai ever shown deference to anyone? If he didn’t want to do something, he wouldn’t, orders or no. You don’t become a feared pirate lord by meekly following orders!
"Huh...you're a Shichibukai? Don't tell me you want East Blue too!"
The Girl: *Facepalm* Yes, because they have nothing else to do. Screw becoming the Pirate King, screw establishing businesses in the Grand Line, screw drinking cocktail with naked strippers on his lap, all he wants to do is take over your hometown, because he’s born to mildly inconvenience you.
Robin: Please, when have you ever even THOUGHT about East Blue during your fight with the Shark King? You’re in this for power and glory, and personal sadism. At least have the decency to admit it.
"Of course not, I don't care what happens here."
The Girl: Including the appearance of a rookie pirate who has complete control of Haki? Yeah, you do that. After all, preparing for your enemies is for LOSERS!
Robin: To be fair, the arrogant attitude does fit the Shichibukai well. But when the protagonists display the same arrogance, nay, when the protagonists are even more arrogant than the Shichibukai…the impact is significantly lessened.
"Well I do..." A voice commented.
The Girl: WHAT? WHERE DID THAT COME FROM? GODDAMN IT, YOU CAN’T JUST DROP THINGS ON US OUT OF NOWHERE! TRANSITIONS! FORESHADOWING! YOU HAVE TO GIVE THE READERS A LITTLE SENSE OF WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING, BECAUSE WE KIND OF NEED THAT TO COMPREHEND A STORY! WE DO NOT HAVE FUCKING TELEPATHIC BONDS TO YOU! TELL US WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING!
"Huh?" David looked up
The Girl: He’s saying that a lot in this section, isn’t he? I wonder what that says about his intelligence…
Robin: All you would need to do to get the answer is look at the Too Dumb To Live count. It’s the first one to break the 50 mark, isn’t it?
The Girl: Please, don’t remind me…
to see Tiburon hanging onto what was left of the platform.
The Girl: What, the FLOATING platform? How did he get up there? Did he suddenly gain the ability to fly?
Robin: And he recovered pretty quickly, didn’t he? Hmm…I seem to recall someone triumphantly declaring their victory a few paragraphs ago. This humiliation wouldn’t have happened if that someone had the brains to check if their enemy is truly incapacitated, would it?
FAUX MADE OF IRON: 17
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 54
His whole head seemed bashed in as he struggled to keep from drowning.
The Girl: I…only have this to say: WHY THE FUCK IS HE STILL ALIVE? WHY THE FUCK IS HE STILL CONSCIOUS? WHY THE FUCK IS HE STILL LUCID? HOW THE FUCK CAN HE SPEAK COHERENTLY? WHERE DID HE GET THE STRENGTH TO KEEP HANGING ON? HIS FUCKING HEAD IS BASHED IN! HIS BRAIN IS MUSH! YOU DO NOT FUCKING SURVIVE THAT EVEN IN THE ONE PIECE UNIVERSE! GAH!
FAUX MADE OF IRON: 20
"I'm not dead...
The Girl: WHY NOT? STUTHOR, THIS WAS STUPID THE FIRST TIME WE HAD TO READ IT! STOP RUBBING IT IN! THIS IS NOT A POINT THAT YOU WOULD WANT TO KEEP HAMMERING ON ABOUT! TRUST ME!
though that punch did hurt.
The Girl: NO FUCKING SHIT! IT CAVED YOUR FUCKING HEAD IN!
FAUX MADE OF IRON: 21
DEPARTMENT OF REDUNDANCY DEPARTMENT: 39
Robin: Please don’t tell me they are going to have another drawn out action scene?
The Girl: Oh, don’t worry. I won't be cruel enough to subject you to that.
I'm not going to lose to some stupid monkey boy like him!"
Robin: *Clears throat* YOU ALREADY LOST, YOU MORON!
The Girl: DUDE, HE BASHED YOUR HEAD IN! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING TO DO?
Robin: He apparently punched the Shark King’s devil fruit ability right out of him too, so it’s not like he can shift forms again to instantly heal all injuries. I…really don’t understand how this world works.
The Girl: You have to think like the Stuthor to comprehend. Is something convenient to the plot and shows the readers how AWESOME the Stu is? Then it shall happen.
"Tiburon..." Wrath lifted Tiburon in the air.
The Girl: Darth Vader? Well, you’ve had a change in fashion sense recently…
Robin: …Am I the only one who thinks that this sounds a bit…romantic? With the whole loving name-calling and sweeping someone off their feet…
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 43 (If you’re going to follow orders to kill him, then just fucking do it! Don’t stand around and gaze into his eyes soulfully! Snap his goddamned neck!)
SHUT UP, I’M AWESOME: 39 (Well, no one’s jumping into the air, but lifting someone else in the air counts, right?)
"Wrath...please don't! Please don't kill me!"
The Girl: …IS HE A BADASS WARRIOR WHO NEVER GIVES UP, DESPITE THE ODDS OR NOT? YOU CANNOT HAVE HIM DECLARING VICTORY OVER THE STU AND ACTING ALL ARROGANT AND SELF-ASSURED, ONLY TO HAVE HIM BEG FOR HIS LIFE LIKE A SPINELESS WIMP ONE SECOND LATER! CONSISTENT CHARACTERISATION, DAMMIT! THESE ARE YOUR ORIGINAL CHARACTERS! YOU THOUGHT THEM UP! HAVE SOME IDEA OF HOW THEY WOULD REACT TO SITUATIONS! NEVER HAS THE SHARK KING SHOWN FEAR IN THE FACE OF DEATH! HE MORE OR LESS BRUSHED OFF BEING STABBED IN THE TORSO! WHY THE FUCK WOULD HE START BEGGING NOW?
Robin: And what was he trying to achieve? Has begging ever worked against a Shichibukai? If they want you dead, you are going to be dead, unless you fight back. He is a former Shichibukai, too! Why not bargain for his life? Promise the Shichibukai a portion of the money he collected from a quarter of the world! Does he not have any blackmail material on his former colleagues? If so, then why not? He should have prepared it as soon as he thought of leaving them! This character does not act like a seasoned pirate at all! He acts exactly like how every other character in this fic does: like a retarded teenager desperate to make himself look more manly, and failing with every word that comes out of his mouth!
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 55
"Well sorry, not my orders."
The Girl: Why would you obey them if you didn’t like them? You’re a pirate lord! The government allied themselves with you because they couldn’t afford to go up against you! You have absolutely no obligations to listen to a word they say! Stuthor, have you seen the way the Shichibukai act in canon? When the government summoned them, only three showed up out of seven, and the marines were SURPRISED that so many came! Mihawk never answers their call! They don’t do anything they don’t want to do! The only feasible reason for him to kill the Shark King is if he wanted to! The World Government has absolutely no authority over these people! It’s a mutually-beneficial alliance! Not a goddamned one-sided slavery!
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 56
Wrath sighed as he snapped Tiburon's neck.
Robin: *Blinks* Well…that was quick. I was half expecting another action scene between the Shichibukai and the Shark King.
The Girl: Now, if all the other characters had half the sense he did…Did I just call an obedient Shichibukai sensible? *Shakes head* This fic is taking its toll on me…
"What the..."
The Girl: Yes. That is his reaction to murder. That is his reaction to the murder of a completely helpless and defenceless man who died pleading for his life. A man who has done absolutely no bad acts on screen, by the way. To be fair to the Stuthor, we are meant to be seeing Wrath *giggles* as a bad guy here, and we’re supposed to dislike him…so at least he’s trying to make this murder reprehensible…except how he glorified murder two sections ago. When the heroes commit the exact same acts as the villains, and yet only the villains are punished for it, you know you have a serious problem. And when your ‘heroes’ react to an Evil Act with mild confusion and apathy…yeah, I don’t think I need to go on.
Robin: To be fair, the Stu’s murder two sections ago is actually worse. At least here, the villain has the excuse of following orders, because people don’t go against the World Government and live. The Stu did it because he wanted to. Because he was starting to feel impatient.
SOCIOPATHY: 30
"I'm going to leave now...
The Girl: Uh…nice for you to drop by. So…what the hell was your purpose in this scene? You’re just here to demonstrate how MYTERIOUS and EVIL you are? Okay…
Robin: And why would he need to report his actions to the Stu? Does he just like banter? That’s not a very threatening trait, you know.
keep up the good work...
The Girl: (Wrath) Yes, keep getting closer to becoming the Pirate King and stealing my power base. Why on earth would I have a problem with that?
Robin: (Wrath) Yes, thank you for taking care of my mission for me! I obviously wanted to kill the man enough to abandon my entire crew and sail half way across the world, but I’m totally okay with you getting here before me. Yeah, I don’t care I essentially wasted months on nothing. I mean, how could I ever blame you, O Glorious Stu?
monkey boy."
The Girl: WHAT THE FLYING FUCK…NO! THAT WAS LUFFY’S NICKNAME! YOU LEAVE THAT NICKNAME ALONE! YOU ARE NO WHERE NEAR AWESOME TO DEFILE LUFFY’S NAME! AND AFTER WHAT YOU SAID ABOUT STEALING HIS PERSONAL BELONGINGS, IT JUST MAKES THIS TEN TIMES WORSE!
Robin: Not to mention, people call Luffy that name for a reason. He was thin and scrawny, hyperactive, and he happened to have Monkey as a surname. Why would Wrath nickname your Stu that if he hasn’t seen him in action, only talked to him for half a minute, and doesn’t even know his name? Apart from how you want to steal every single one of Captain’s attributes and give them to your Stu, because you wish you could be as awesome as him?
With that Wrath was gone and Tiburon drowned in his own abyss.
The Girl: HE DIDN’T DROWN, GODDAMIT! HIS NECK WAS SNAPPED! HE WAS DEAD BEFORE HE…wait, when was he ever tossed into the water? He was on a platform when Wrath picked him up, so…WHAT ON EARTH IS HAPPENING?
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 57
"David!" Chase grunted
The Girl: AND WHERE DID THEY COME FROM? WHEN I SAID THAT THE VILLAINS NEED TO STOP ANNOUNCING THEIR PRESENCE AND ANY ATTACKS THEY WANT TO MAKE, I DIDN’T MEAN YOU SHOULD START DROPPING RANDOM CHARACTERS OUT OF NOWHERE! God, this feels like a badly edited porno, where the scenes jump around randomly until we finally get to the sex scene, because the director is far too eager to bother paying attention to the build up…If this fic starts featuring smut, I will kill myself.
Robin: Well, with the grunting and name-calling, I really question whether it has already begun to feature smut.
The Girl: *Pauses* *Attempts to claw own throat open*
Robin: *Restrains with Keyboard of Power*
as he, Riru, and Avery found him laying
The Girl: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-
down.
The Girl: …oh. *Sighs in relief*
Robin: They…found him laying down? When did he ever get up? He was already lying down!
"Hey you guys.."
Robin: (David) Hey, guys! Do you know what I just saw? This guy just waltzed in and totally snapped the Shark King’s neck! Man, it was awesome!
"You beat him?" Avery asked.
The Girl: …The Shark King is dead. David is alive. WHAT THE FUCKING HELL DID YOU THINK?
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 58
"Of course I did.." David smiled
The Girl: WE KNOW YOU DID! AND IT STILL MAKE NO SENSE! NONE! SO STOP BRAGGING! ARROGANT ASSHOLES ARE NEVER LIKEABLE!
as he looked one with his left eye,
Robin: …What?
The Girl: …I have no idea. Apparently, you can look a numerical value nowadays.
he had a cut below his right eye that Riru would have to stitch up.
The Girl: …OH FANTASTIC. YOU HAD TO GO AND STEAL LUFFY’S SCAR TOO? IS THERE NO DEPTHS TO WHICH YOU WILL NOT SINK? AND CONGRATULATIONS ON MISSING THE POINT OF CANON AGAIN! Luffy’s scar was self-inflicted. It showed his childish naivety, in that he does not understand the dangers of the seas, but it also showed his determination. He was willing to disfigure himself to prove his bravery. It was a sign of what was about to come. And it showed his admiration for Shank, and the lengths to which he will go to gain Shanks’ approval.
Your Stu gained his scar when he was fighting the Shark King. When he was fighting a man that had committed no evil acts that he has witnessed. When he deliberately tried to kill a man for absolutely no reason. It didn’t show us anything about his dream, it didn’t do anything to expand his character. That scar does NOTHING except rip off canon.
AND YOU HAVE THE BALLS TO EXPECT ME TO LIKE YOUR CHARATER? TO THE EXTENT THAT I WILL COMPARE HIM FAVOURABLY WITH LUFFY? FUCK YOU!
Robin: And how on earth did he get a cut there? The Shark King mostly attacked with fists or tentacles, despite having swords. He certainly never landed a hit with his sword, and given the size of the thing, if he did land a hit in the face area, there would be significantly more than a ‘cut’ there. Also, injuries around that area are very hard to treat. It is far too close to the eye, so stitching it up without damaging someone’s sight is extremely difficult, even with qualified, experienced doctors. I look forward to watching someone with only basic knowledge of first aid attempt it.
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 59
"Good, let's get out of here."
The Girl: *Pleasant smile* And how do you plan to do that with no boat? Are you going to swim to the next island? Hell, you don’t even have a compass or a map!
Chase interveined.
Robin: To intervene is to stop an event from continuing and it carries the connotation that the event is undesirable, like intervening in a fight. What, exactly, was David doing with Avery?
THESAURUS RAPE: 13
Robin: You know, it really doesn’t make you a bad writer if you use ‘said’ once in a while. In fact, it will improve your prose!
The Girl: Really, you would have to try to write worse prose than this. I’ve seen troll parodies that have better grammar and spelling…
"Agreed, I'm hungry."
The Girl: (David) Man, watching some innocent guy be killed whilst begging for his own life really makes me want a hamburger!
Robin: I guess this is another attempt to copy the Captain?
The Girl: What else could it be? Except he fails, of course, because when has Luffy ever said ‘agreed’ to a question?
SOCIOPATHY: 31
"Well where's our next stop?" Riru asked.
The Girl: NOWHERE! Because you don’t have a boat!
Robin: I can buy Chase momentarily forgetting that they lost their boat, seeing as Riru didn’t have time to elaborate before he was distracted, and his mind is occupied with David right now. But Riru forgetting? After she personally picked up all of the pieces of flesh and loaded them into the boat?
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 60
"A restraunt!" David smiled,
The Girl: I really hate to keep hammering on about this point…but this is less than a minute after he watched a man die. And all he can think about is himself. Namely, how much beating the shit out of someone and attempting to murder them makes him hungry.
SOCIOPATHY: 32
with that everyone laughed.
The Girl: Why? Am I hearing the same things they are hearing? Because there’s nothing funny here at all! Did someone release drugs into the fic or what?
Robin: Well, of course they must laugh! The main Stu smiled! They have to follow his lead. Otherwise, they may have to be punished.
They had felt like they had just won a war. Though a battle with a Shichibukai was similar to a war indeed.
The Girl: NO IT WAS FUCKING NOT! DON’T YOU DARE SULLY THE MEMORIES OF COUNTLESS VETERANS BY COMPARING THAT LITTLE SHIT-FEST TO A WAR! PEOPLE ACTUALLY TRY TO END WARS, YOU KNOW! YOU WERE PURPOSELY DRAGGING THE FIGHTING OUT BECAUSE IT WAS FUN! LUFFY’S INVASION OF THE MARINE HEADQUARTERS WAS A WAR! THIS WAS FUCKING NOT! THIS MAY BE A BATTLE! IT MAY BE A FIGHT! IT WAS NOT A WAR!
THESAURUS RAPE: 19 (Be grateful that it's not a Sociopathy count.)
Robin: Stuthor, do you have any idea what people usually feel when a war ends? Grief, sorrow, regret, pain, relief…yes, there is joy, but all wars end on a bitter-sweet note, if not a completely bitter note. Yes, there is celebration, but there is also a lot of grief and funerals. Please, don’t even try to handle as delicate a topic as war. It has been done by people with far more talent than you, and your feeble attempts at portraying conflict is an insult to the literary world.
Next Time:
The Girl: YES! THE CHAPTER’S FINISHED! YAY! *Throws confetti*
David and his crew have now beaten one of the former Shichibukai,
The Girl: *Slumps* Oh great. Haven’t you rubbed that in enough? I’ve pointed out how stupid it is! It really doesn’t do you any favours to remind me of it!
Robin: ONE of the former Shichibukai? Are there a lot of them around in this universe? The World Government don’t take to betrayals kindly, and the other Shichibukai would probably not be very happy with it either. And it is difficult to make it into their rank in the first place. Why are there so many people running about, having joined and then left the Shichibukai?
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 61
as awarding that is. It doesn't pay,
The Girl: AWARDING? SLAUGHTERING HUNDREDS AND WATCHING PEOPLE BEING BRUTALLY KILLED IS AWARDING? AND YOU’RE WHINING ABOUT NOT BEING PAID FOR IT? Actually, do you even remember your motivation, anymore? You didn’t do this for pay! You did it to liberate East Blue! Shouldn’t the people’s happiness and freedom be payment enough? Or were you expecting people to hail you as their saviour and present offerings to your shrines? WHO THE FUCK WHINES ABOUT NOT BEING PAID FOR MURDER?
Robin: Why don’t they become assassins if they are that worried about payment? That career choice would lead them to their dreams just as well as pirating. Oh, and that sentence is awkwardly constructed. ‘As’ should be the start of a new sentence, and the period should be a comma.
SOCIOPATHY: 33
now they need to find a real boat for them to use
The Girl: Oh great. SOMEONE remembers that they don’t have a fucking boat anymore! So how the hell are they going to get off the island? Face it, your Stus are stranded. The only thing they can do now is sit around and starve and hope that someone has the decency to pick them up.
Robin: And are they intending to get a new row boat? Shouldn’t they be looking for a ship? And are you implying that the vehicle they sailed to Warship Island on was not a real boat? Then what was it? A toy?
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 62
to sail across the East Blue into the Grand Line!
The Girl: Why do they want to get into the Grand Line anyways? Is that where Luffy and Zoro were buried? Or are they just going that way because you have all the originality of a charcoal stick?
First stop, where ever they dock.
Robin: *Blinks* Well, that’s informative.
The Girl: HOW ARE THEY GETTING OFF THE ISLAND? HOW ARE THEY GOING TO GET TO THE NEXT ISLAND WITH NO MAPS OR COMPASSES? ARE THEY PLANNING THEIR JOURNEY AT ALL? SHOULDN’T THEY BE HEADING IN THE DIRECTION OF THE GRAND LINE? WHY ARE THEY JUST FLOATING AROUND FOR NO PURPOSE? WHY ARE YOU DRAGGING THIS OUT? I HATE YOU! I HATE THIS FIC! HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATE!
Robin: *Hits the girl over the head with the keyboard* Hold it together! We’re almost at the end.
Review!
The Girl: HERE’S YOUR FUCKING REVIEW!
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATE.
The girl stopped and gasped for breath, her hair flying about her face wildly, tangled with her many attempts at ripping her own hair out.
‘Ah, finished.’ Robin watched the screen click off with a satisfied smile. ‘It was more…tedious than I imagined, but it wasn’t all that bad.’
‘You’re a stronger person than me.’ The girl chuckled weakly. She lifted her hand and a blue portal opened at the end of the sofa. ‘Before you go though, take this.’ She fished around underneath her seat for a moment, and extracted a large, brown paper bag.
Robin took it and opened it curiously. Inside was a couple of thick volumes and what appeared to be a bag of chocolate.
‘I couldn’t find history books from your universe, so I had to use mine…I hope you don’t mind.’ The girl explained, brushing her fingers through her hair in an attempt to straighten them again.
‘Nami will be disappointed that no cash is involved in the payment.’ Robin smiled, ‘But this is just what I was hoping for. Thank you. If you ever need my help again, I would be more than happy to come back.’
The girl returned her smile wearily, ‘No, I should be thanking you. Good luck on your journey, and…just as a word of warning, please never doubt yourself. It won’t do anyone any good.’
Robin raised an eyebrow, and when no explanation came, nodded her head and stepped through the portal.
The girl watched her disappear in the blue swirl and buried her head in her hands with a groan. ‘Fantastic. Where am I going to find my next team of sporkers?’
FINAL COUNTS:
FAUX MADE OF IRON: 21 (Yes, 21 opportunities for serious injury gone to waste.)
ONOMATOPOEIAS ARE COOL: 39 (In a single chapter. Please kill me.)
DEPARTMENT OF REDUNDANCY DEPARTMENT: 29
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 62 (Granted, I did abuse this count quite a bit.)
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 44 (44 chances where the Stu could have died. 44 chances that the fic could have ended. Now, do you see why I'm so angry?)
SHUT UP, I'M AWESOME: 39 (Aren't you glad I didn't try to make you do the drinking game this chapter?)
SOCIOPATHY: 33 (Yes, I abused this count too, often giving two or three counts for a single incident, but can you blme me?)
THESAURUS RAPE: 14 (One day, I'm going to find a harlequin Suethor, so someone can do this count justice.)
Go Forward to: Chapter 9, Part 1
Go back to: Chapter 8, Part 4