WooHoo... half way there!!!
Yup! Wherever it is we go when we shuffle off this mortal coil... well, I'm half way there!!
You see, last week was my 50th birthday. It is what I consider the “undeniable half way point” in my life. Now, I may live to see 100, and I may not. But my family does have a tendency to either**Getting shot in the head, because he ran out onto a rifle range to rescue a kitten... or jumping out of a barn's hay loft into the hay pile below, and landing on the upturned pitchfork someone had left in the pile... these are examples of the “young and tragic” deaths that my relatives have suffered.**or live for a very long time.
I have one relative who is 98, and his only complaint is that he “just does not have the energy he used to.” Yeah, I feel so bad for him...not! And my mother, in her late 70's, still regularly jumps into an old car and drives 1,500 miles from Minnesota to visit me. And I have memories of meeting my great grandmother my Grandfather and I used to bring her chocolate covered cherries... she loved those. She lived well into her 90s, and never even needed glasses.
So, since I am now to old to die young and tragically, it looks like I may well carry on for a while. And besides, 50 is a nice even number... a very good “half way” point I think.
I did not really do much to celebrate the apogee of my ride on this roller coaster called Life, I am not a huge fan of birthday parties and such... a sure way to piss me off would be to take me out to dinner on my birthday, and then tell the waitstaff that it is my birthday!
Thus, my birthday was blessedly calm, which is good. As a matter of fact, the past few weeks have been relatively calm, oh miracle of miracles!
There was a bit of a kerfuffle with Legends (when is there not?), which involved almost the entire Board of Directors resigning and walking out two weeks before the last event. And then of course, the first named storm of the hurricane season decided to visit the East Coast the weekend of the event. So, there was a lot of anger, despair and general drama surrounding the event. But what the people who walked out or quit seem to fail to realize is that when you sign on to be a major part of a LARP... you are now in the “Entertainment Industry.” And when one is an entertainer, petty squabbles and personal ego issues must be put aside, and the show must go on! And so, the day of the event arrived, and the few of us staff who showed up were determined that neither storm nor petty bickering would stop the show from going on! The feeling very much reminded me of how the English must have felt at Agincourt, which is summed up wonderfully in this St. Crispin's Day Speech in Henry V. And so, we put on the event with a small staff and more players than we had expected... and you know what? Just like the English at Agincourt, we rocked the F'kin house!
So, then that drama was over with, and I had hoped I could use the downtime to relax, re-charge, and repair. You see, the three young female cats we are housing for a while, have managed to cause rather a bit of damage. They have destroyed 3 pieces of my artwork, so those need to be repaired... and some of the doorways that they have decided would make good scratching posts need to be repaired as well. Also my tank of African Chiclids needs to be pretty much completely overhauled, (that is not the cats fault) so... no lack of projects for me to do, as usual. But all these things are manageable, and I was hoping to get to them.
But then of course, the calm ended and the storm arrived! And yes, it was an actual storm... a good soaking thunderstorm that announced to me that my patching of the leak in the roof, was a but a temporary measure... oh joy, oh rapture!
So, after getting up on the roof and looking things over, it is obvious that the house needs a new roof. And well, we simply cannot afford a new roof.
So, I had a brilliant idea! I know my mom is coming to visit sometime in June, so I figured that, rather than just have her show up and announce what project she wanted to do to our house this time... I would give some direction to that “mad house fixing energy” she seems to have. I figured that this would be better than just coming home and finding a bunch of new bathroom fixtures on the front lawn... which I of course had to install, or being told that I would be replacing the siding on the back room of the house. So, when next we talked on the phone, I mentioned our roof situation; there was a long pause on the other end, and then my mom said “oh, well, I was just thinking I'd help Marti straighten out the cabinets in the kitchen.”
It seems as if one of my uncles, who lives alone up in northern Minnesota, has become something of a hoarder. So, my mother's “Mad House Fixing” energy has been, and is going to be, directed at helping this uncle of mine get his life and house under control. Sigh, while that is great, 'cause this uncle of mine needs the help more than I do... my roof is not going to just fix itself!
So, since it needs to be done, and I don't have the money to hire someone else to do it... I guess I will, as usual, have to do it myself. And of course, as long as I am going to be up on the roof a bit... I may as well re-point the chimney while I am up there, as it badly needs it, and oh... as long as I am going to completely strip the roof and lay it's guts bare, I may as well add skylights, yes?
So, sadly. I will not be able to make any of the Wildfires this year, as all my spare money and time will be going to a new roof, which makes me sad, as it will be the first year I have missed a Wildfire in many years. And what's worse, I even had to turn down tickets to Burning Man! I just could not, in all good conscious, take all that time off from work, and spend all that money, and leave Marti to tend our 8 rambunctious cats, and 2 elderly dogs... one of whose health is failing, while the roof was leaking.
So, not doing something fun, because I have to do something responsible... could it be that I am, now, in my middle age, becoming a responsible adult?! Has turning 50 flipped some kind of switch inside me and turned it to “Adult” status?
I doubt that! I mean, my life is now calmer than it was, and I no longer find myself in crazy situations like showing up home at 5 am on Valentine's Day with a drunk Russian stripper, or carousing with drunken Irish poets... for several days, or standing in a tiny airport in Wyoming with 50 cents to my name and no way to get home to Minnesota, or hanging out with all sorts of gorgeous nekkid women in a bathtub at 4 am... when we all had to work that day.
And that whole “Mid-life crisis” thing? Well, I think I did that when I turned 21, which was an age I had never expected to see, and considering some of the stunts I pulled back then, this was not an unreasonable expectation. But yeah, I already had a young girlfriend, who my other girlfriend also became intimate with... and I could not afford a red sports car... all I could afford was my parent's used Ford Escort, which was red. So, my mid-life crisis was pretty much a no-show.
So, being halfway to my Final Destination, whatever that is... has that changed anything? I mean, I still very much look forward to the odd times when someone asks me what I am doing, and I can honestly answer “drinking beer and playing with explosives, obviously.” And yeah, there have been several times when that has been the case, and I hope there are more! I will still continue to breathe fire at every opportunity, even though it is a very dangerous thing to do; but it's a huge adrenalin rush and is also cooler n' shyt. But the real reason I breathe fire, is that one pure moment, when nothing exists in the world except you, the fire and the fuel.... that moments is all the heaven I will ever need.
And while I may not be down in the mosh pit, I will still attend my loud folk-metal concerts, and of course, I will still drive around with my windows down, and my music way up ( these days, usually Die Antwoord or Arkona ),.. 'cause hey, everyone in rural New Hampshire will no doubt love these bands as much as I do the minute they hear them... right?
And during this, the first half of my journey, I have met, and still know, some extraordinary people; from daughters of Iranian Oil ministers, to Ghanian diamond smugglers, prostitutes, gun runners, street poets, and all manner of folks in between. I see no reason why the second half of this trip should be any different.
So, here, at the halfway point.. I ask myself the three questions I ask myself every now and then when I am feeling introspective and contemplating my own mortality; and those are “Have you helped more people than you have hurt?” and “Have you left the world a better place than you found it?” and “Are you happy with who and where you are?”
And happily, the answer to all three, is a most definitive yes! Of course, hindsight being 20/20, there are a few things I wish I had done differently. I wish I had not been such an arrogant, self-centered young arsewhole punk when I was younger. But, the past cannot be changed, so all I can do is sincerely apologize to all the people I hurt, and move on.
And where I am now, is good. I live in a really beautiful place, This is the view outside my car window on my 15 minute commute to work where I wake to birdsong most every day and where people know their neighbors are not afraid to leave their windows open or leave their keys in their cars.
I have two amazing women in my life Marti and Jaye whom I love, and who love me in return, and they even seem to be able to put up with all (well, OK, most) of my quirks and eccentricities! (And for those very few of you who are reading this and don't know I'm in an open relationship... the two of them know about each other, and they get along famously!) And I have a few really good and true friends.
And sure, life has thrown us a few really nasty curve balls, such as Marti's diagnosis of cancer. But you know, we are still solvent, and even have a bit of money for luxuries now and then, such as good Scotch, the occasional concert or outing, and hardcover books; and Marti has lived well beyond what was, at the time of her diagnosis, the life expectancy for someone with Multiple Myloma. So that's all good!
And yeah, I do have a slight limp when the weather is cold, and a knee which acts up every now and then, but considering that I have survived no less than 5 motorcycle accidents, I'm not going to complain about a slightly wonky knee.
And my hearing may not be what it used to be... but my hearing loss is caused by all the loud concerts I have attended, so I'm certainly not going to bitch about that! As the Gothdaughter said “At least you had a good time while losing it!” And even if I go completely deaf, I will still be able to hear the voices in my head, so I wont be lacking for company. :) And no, I never have, and never will, wear earplugs at a concert... that's like wearing sunglasses to a fireworks display! If you're gonna do that... why bother going?
You see, I have not lived my life with the intention of arriving at the Pearly Gates (or Valhalla, or Behind the Mirror, or Paradise... or whatever your specific belief system says comes after this life), in a perfectly preserved and fully functional body. I intend to arrive at that Final Destination, bruised, burned, exhausted, sore, smelling of awesome sex and old Scotch, and be able to say “Wow, what a ride!” Though I must admit if I do actually live to be 100, I may have to settle for just the old Scotch.
But, as many wise people have said... it's not the destination that is important, it's the journey.” And that my friends, is very very true! And so, based on the first half, I'm most definitely looking forward to the second half of the roller-coaster of a journey... so, wherever I'm going... I'm halfway there!!
Now, the only question still plaguing me is... why am I in this hand-basket!?”
You see, last week was my 50th birthday. It is what I consider the “undeniable half way point” in my life. Now, I may live to see 100, and I may not. But my family does have a tendency to either**Getting shot in the head, because he ran out onto a rifle range to rescue a kitten... or jumping out of a barn's hay loft into the hay pile below, and landing on the upturned pitchfork someone had left in the pile... these are examples of the “young and tragic” deaths that my relatives have suffered.**or live for a very long time.
I have one relative who is 98, and his only complaint is that he “just does not have the energy he used to.” Yeah, I feel so bad for him...not! And my mother, in her late 70's, still regularly jumps into an old car and drives 1,500 miles from Minnesota to visit me. And I have memories of meeting my great grandmother my Grandfather and I used to bring her chocolate covered cherries... she loved those. She lived well into her 90s, and never even needed glasses.
So, since I am now to old to die young and tragically, it looks like I may well carry on for a while. And besides, 50 is a nice even number... a very good “half way” point I think.
I did not really do much to celebrate the apogee of my ride on this roller coaster called Life, I am not a huge fan of birthday parties and such... a sure way to piss me off would be to take me out to dinner on my birthday, and then tell the waitstaff that it is my birthday!
Thus, my birthday was blessedly calm, which is good. As a matter of fact, the past few weeks have been relatively calm, oh miracle of miracles!
There was a bit of a kerfuffle with Legends (when is there not?), which involved almost the entire Board of Directors resigning and walking out two weeks before the last event. And then of course, the first named storm of the hurricane season decided to visit the East Coast the weekend of the event. So, there was a lot of anger, despair and general drama surrounding the event. But what the people who walked out or quit seem to fail to realize is that when you sign on to be a major part of a LARP... you are now in the “Entertainment Industry.” And when one is an entertainer, petty squabbles and personal ego issues must be put aside, and the show must go on! And so, the day of the event arrived, and the few of us staff who showed up were determined that neither storm nor petty bickering would stop the show from going on! The feeling very much reminded me of how the English must have felt at Agincourt, which is summed up wonderfully in this St. Crispin's Day Speech in Henry V. And so, we put on the event with a small staff and more players than we had expected... and you know what? Just like the English at Agincourt, we rocked the F'kin house!
So, then that drama was over with, and I had hoped I could use the downtime to relax, re-charge, and repair. You see, the three young female cats we are housing for a while, have managed to cause rather a bit of damage. They have destroyed 3 pieces of my artwork, so those need to be repaired... and some of the doorways that they have decided would make good scratching posts need to be repaired as well. Also my tank of African Chiclids needs to be pretty much completely overhauled, (that is not the cats fault) so... no lack of projects for me to do, as usual. But all these things are manageable, and I was hoping to get to them.
But then of course, the calm ended and the storm arrived! And yes, it was an actual storm... a good soaking thunderstorm that announced to me that my patching of the leak in the roof, was a but a temporary measure... oh joy, oh rapture!
So, after getting up on the roof and looking things over, it is obvious that the house needs a new roof. And well, we simply cannot afford a new roof.
So, I had a brilliant idea! I know my mom is coming to visit sometime in June, so I figured that, rather than just have her show up and announce what project she wanted to do to our house this time... I would give some direction to that “mad house fixing energy” she seems to have. I figured that this would be better than just coming home and finding a bunch of new bathroom fixtures on the front lawn... which I of course had to install, or being told that I would be replacing the siding on the back room of the house. So, when next we talked on the phone, I mentioned our roof situation; there was a long pause on the other end, and then my mom said “oh, well, I was just thinking I'd help Marti straighten out the cabinets in the kitchen.”
It seems as if one of my uncles, who lives alone up in northern Minnesota, has become something of a hoarder. So, my mother's “Mad House Fixing” energy has been, and is going to be, directed at helping this uncle of mine get his life and house under control. Sigh, while that is great, 'cause this uncle of mine needs the help more than I do... my roof is not going to just fix itself!
So, since it needs to be done, and I don't have the money to hire someone else to do it... I guess I will, as usual, have to do it myself. And of course, as long as I am going to be up on the roof a bit... I may as well re-point the chimney while I am up there, as it badly needs it, and oh... as long as I am going to completely strip the roof and lay it's guts bare, I may as well add skylights, yes?
So, sadly. I will not be able to make any of the Wildfires this year, as all my spare money and time will be going to a new roof, which makes me sad, as it will be the first year I have missed a Wildfire in many years. And what's worse, I even had to turn down tickets to Burning Man! I just could not, in all good conscious, take all that time off from work, and spend all that money, and leave Marti to tend our 8 rambunctious cats, and 2 elderly dogs... one of whose health is failing, while the roof was leaking.
So, not doing something fun, because I have to do something responsible... could it be that I am, now, in my middle age, becoming a responsible adult?! Has turning 50 flipped some kind of switch inside me and turned it to “Adult” status?
I doubt that! I mean, my life is now calmer than it was, and I no longer find myself in crazy situations like showing up home at 5 am on Valentine's Day with a drunk Russian stripper, or carousing with drunken Irish poets... for several days, or standing in a tiny airport in Wyoming with 50 cents to my name and no way to get home to Minnesota, or hanging out with all sorts of gorgeous nekkid women in a bathtub at 4 am... when we all had to work that day.
And that whole “Mid-life crisis” thing? Well, I think I did that when I turned 21, which was an age I had never expected to see, and considering some of the stunts I pulled back then, this was not an unreasonable expectation. But yeah, I already had a young girlfriend, who my other girlfriend also became intimate with... and I could not afford a red sports car... all I could afford was my parent's used Ford Escort, which was red. So, my mid-life crisis was pretty much a no-show.
So, being halfway to my Final Destination, whatever that is... has that changed anything? I mean, I still very much look forward to the odd times when someone asks me what I am doing, and I can honestly answer “drinking beer and playing with explosives, obviously.” And yeah, there have been several times when that has been the case, and I hope there are more! I will still continue to breathe fire at every opportunity, even though it is a very dangerous thing to do; but it's a huge adrenalin rush and is also cooler n' shyt. But the real reason I breathe fire, is that one pure moment, when nothing exists in the world except you, the fire and the fuel.... that moments is all the heaven I will ever need.
And while I may not be down in the mosh pit, I will still attend my loud folk-metal concerts, and of course, I will still drive around with my windows down, and my music way up ( these days, usually Die Antwoord or Arkona ),.. 'cause hey, everyone in rural New Hampshire will no doubt love these bands as much as I do the minute they hear them... right?
And during this, the first half of my journey, I have met, and still know, some extraordinary people; from daughters of Iranian Oil ministers, to Ghanian diamond smugglers, prostitutes, gun runners, street poets, and all manner of folks in between. I see no reason why the second half of this trip should be any different.
So, here, at the halfway point.. I ask myself the three questions I ask myself every now and then when I am feeling introspective and contemplating my own mortality; and those are “Have you helped more people than you have hurt?” and “Have you left the world a better place than you found it?” and “Are you happy with who and where you are?”
And happily, the answer to all three, is a most definitive yes! Of course, hindsight being 20/20, there are a few things I wish I had done differently. I wish I had not been such an arrogant, self-centered young arsewhole punk when I was younger. But, the past cannot be changed, so all I can do is sincerely apologize to all the people I hurt, and move on.
And where I am now, is good. I live in a really beautiful place, This is the view outside my car window on my 15 minute commute to work where I wake to birdsong most every day and where people know their neighbors are not afraid to leave their windows open or leave their keys in their cars.
I have two amazing women in my life Marti and Jaye whom I love, and who love me in return, and they even seem to be able to put up with all (well, OK, most) of my quirks and eccentricities! (And for those very few of you who are reading this and don't know I'm in an open relationship... the two of them know about each other, and they get along famously!) And I have a few really good and true friends.
And sure, life has thrown us a few really nasty curve balls, such as Marti's diagnosis of cancer. But you know, we are still solvent, and even have a bit of money for luxuries now and then, such as good Scotch, the occasional concert or outing, and hardcover books; and Marti has lived well beyond what was, at the time of her diagnosis, the life expectancy for someone with Multiple Myloma. So that's all good!
And yeah, I do have a slight limp when the weather is cold, and a knee which acts up every now and then, but considering that I have survived no less than 5 motorcycle accidents, I'm not going to complain about a slightly wonky knee.
And my hearing may not be what it used to be... but my hearing loss is caused by all the loud concerts I have attended, so I'm certainly not going to bitch about that! As the Gothdaughter said “At least you had a good time while losing it!” And even if I go completely deaf, I will still be able to hear the voices in my head, so I wont be lacking for company. :) And no, I never have, and never will, wear earplugs at a concert... that's like wearing sunglasses to a fireworks display! If you're gonna do that... why bother going?
You see, I have not lived my life with the intention of arriving at the Pearly Gates (or Valhalla, or Behind the Mirror, or Paradise... or whatever your specific belief system says comes after this life), in a perfectly preserved and fully functional body. I intend to arrive at that Final Destination, bruised, burned, exhausted, sore, smelling of awesome sex and old Scotch, and be able to say “Wow, what a ride!” Though I must admit if I do actually live to be 100, I may have to settle for just the old Scotch.
But, as many wise people have said... it's not the destination that is important, it's the journey.” And that my friends, is very very true! And so, based on the first half, I'm most definitely looking forward to the second half of the roller-coaster of a journey... so, wherever I'm going... I'm halfway there!!
Now, the only question still plaguing me is... why am I in this hand-basket!?”