Cynical & Silly Stories For The Bored LJ User.
-The Bitch Who Surfed The Crimson Wave
( A Story About The Dyke & Her Sidekick Chris)-
A Story By: Mike The Dyke
There once was a boy named Chris. He was very lonely when his slutty ex-girlfriend dumped his ass for a beer bellied sideshow. He was in despair. Now Chris, was not a bad looking boy. He was actually cute, and he was best friend's with a dyke, and for the dyke to say he was cute? Well, need I say that, that was a major compliment on his part. Anyway, where was I? Ohhh, yes! He was in depair, crying at night, wishing he had a girl to call his own.
That's what the dyke liked about him. He was not like most boy's. He had a heart, and thought with it more then he would with his well.. you know, the the one eyed willy snake. He cast away the 'macho' persona that most boys would where proudly, but you see.. Chris he never cared for such things. He was true to himself, and if others didn't like it? Well, let's go back to the teaching.
"Tell them to....?" The Dyke said, trailng off. She wanted Chris to answer. Chris pondered for a moment. "..tell them to go away?" he offered, shrugging. The Dyke slapped her hand to her head, and draped an arm over his shoulder, her head bent down in a bow, sighing. "No! No!" she exclaimed. "You say THAT and they'll laugh at you!" Chris frowned. "Then what?" He was not the brighest of boys at times, but the dyke was patient. "Think real hard, buddy.. 'go away' isn't gunna make them... well, go away! You gotta be more... assertive!" Chris looked perplexed.
"And that means?" The Dyke laughed a little. "It means.. be more nasty! Add more zest, so they know you are capable of defending yourself. Okay," she backed away, her hands in front of her. "Let's say.. I'm Efran.. that fatass porker, who beats on his girl," (I'm gunna casterate him one day) she added to herself. "Anyway! Let's say I'm him, right, you follow?" The Dyke wanted to be sure her pupil understood. Chris gave a nod and threw his backpack on the stone wall located in the 'chilling' area by the school.
"Okay! I"m Efran and I... come up to you and call you a pussy. What do you say.. remember! Be aggressive!" Chris nodded and composed himself, he took on a confident pose, his head held high. "What did you say, Billy Bitch Tits?" He inquired. The Dyke smirked and stiffled a laugh. "Very good! Your getting there!" She put the guise of being Efran back on. "Who the fuck you think you talking too?" She imitated the boy's waddling wankster walk, puffing hersef out like she really were the heffer.
Chris was a well built boy, he had muscles and the dyke told him he should use those muscles if ever someone put a hand on him. And in such a situation, if the dyke really were Efran, he would need to defend himself physically should he defend himself against the words. Chris narrowed his eyes, as if the dyke really were the cow, but he said nothing. Good. She told him to defend himself, not egg things on and start a fight. "Good! Good!" she praised as she hugged him. "But, remember. I doubt Efran would just let you walk, so.. be careful," The Dyke used a fake redneck accent.
"Or you could just diss him as you run, cos' you know that boy ain't runnin' nowheres!" she said, as she mock ran. Chris grinned. Well.. the two were close. Best of friends. Then one day (Praise be to JESUS!) Chris found a girlfriend. Why did I say 'praise be to jesus!' well.. I said it because the girl was from a catholic school, and she was... in8h grade, Chris being in 10th. The Dyke listened as he rambled on and on about how great Kelly was, and don't get me wrong, the dyke was very happy that he was happy, but it got annoying, ya know? Especially when the young boy said.....
"I'm gunna marry her, Mike!" The Dyke, who we will now call 'Mike' (Mike The Dyke, get it? It rhymes... and I look like a guy and yeah... okay, moving on! ) Pitiful.. anyway, 'Mike' reguarded the young Romeo with a skeptical raise of a brow. "Marry her? Your 16, my friend.. you are young.. now I'm not saying it's not possible that you two won't be together forever, my parents were high school sweethearts..( and they got divorced, then back together, then parted then back together then.... okay, you get it.) but dude, come on, it's been what.. a week?" Chris shook his head.
"Actually.. only 6 days.." Mike sighed, and patted Chris' shoulder. "I respect your dreamer's heart.. and I hope you guys stay together and are happy.. but don't.. I dunno. Just don't get hurt, okay?" Maybe it was Mike's thrashed heart that was speaking, but her words rang with truth and Chris understood that. "Thanks."
Now Mike never met the girl, but even Chris would speak bady of her, more often then never. "She's a drama queen and bitches just like Mackenzie," (the ex- girlfriend dooshbag.)"..I mean I love her, and all.. but she only thinks of herself.. and she is so overprotective of me! She's jealous of you! Your a dyke!" Mike smirked openly as she sat on the stool across from Chris. "Jealous of me? Why? Because, I'm in your kitchen at your house, and she's not?" Mike didn't know why, but for some reason she got bad vibes from the chic, and liked to make smartass'd comments.
"Oh, yeah, baby." Chris replied in a flamboyant gay tone. Mike did the sexy lion growl, and winked. It was all play. She acted straight for kicks, and Chris acted gay for laughs. "But, seriously, if she bothers you so much, then why don't you.. have some YOU time." Chris drank some orange juice. "She'd whine, I'd feel bad.. she'd be like 'you don't love me!' And I'd be fucked." Mike shoke her head. "Well, uh.. if your so miserable..." Chris cut her off. "I'm not, it's just.. I dunno."
Mike just shrugged. When Mke went home she went home disliking the girl even more. Why would you hurt someone you cared for? Why would you practically put him on a leash and make hime feel bad if he went out with friends. FRIENDS. (Not like I'm gunna suddenly catch "straight" and fuck his brains out, right? Pulease. ) Then the suspesions proved true. Solid proof that 'Kelly', his hoe, was in fact not the angelic little catholic girl she protrayed.. but instead, a dumb little ditz who was not even blonde. (Hey, until my hair was dyed red I was dirty blonde so yeah.. ) Mike went online. Chris IM'd her.
DaRkNiGhTGoDXxX: hey sexy
Mike Thee Dyke: Yo baby. :: lick ::
Mike Thee Dyke: lol.
DaRkNiGhTGoDXxX: whats up
Mike Thee Dyke: nothing. missed you in school today. my sister opened her mouth and said: "you have school, only half day." dumb bitch!
DaRkNiGhTGoDXxX: ok
DaRkNiGhTGoDXxX: i was sick
Mike Thee Dyke: What's with that cheesy ass quiz on Kelly's profile?
Mike Thee Dyke: Your not hot.
Mike Thee Dyke: Lol.
DaRkNiGhTGoDXxX: kelly: escuse me....he is extremly hot. thank you very much. and its not a quiz. i told the answers. duh? i dont even like you, you fucking bitch. why dont you mind your own buisness and dont go reading my profile.
Mike Thee Dyke: Hey hey, babe. Don't get your panties in a bundle it's an inside joke between me and Chris. I think he is cute, he knows that. In fact, I said I hope to find a girl with a sweet personality such as his, so chill the grill, precious. :: smirks. ::
Mike Thee Dyke: :: snaps fingers. :: mmmmhmm, ohhhkay?
DaRkNiGhTGoDXxX: YOU KNOW. i should just slap chris, cuz i'm not in person with you.
Mike Thee Dyke: Are you saying you'd slap me?
DaRkNiGhTGoDXxX: are you not comprehending english?
Mike Thee Dyke: Listen.. You need to chill the fuck out. I'm only playing I dunno what your problem is. I understand you are going through your crimson wave, but that's no excuse. I am joking around and wasn't even talking to YOU. So.. back down, because even though I look like a guy, I am a girl and should you take violent actions towards me, I will be forced to recoil and it won't be pretty.
Mike Thee Dyke: Or am I using big words and you don't fully understand?
Mike Thee Dyke: Cos' I can speak in dumb blonde, I'm a little ditzy cheerleader..
Mike Thee Dyke: Even though your not blonde.. you'll still understand.
Mike Thee Dyke: Good, your quiet. Maybe now you understand that I, too, can be mean when forced to be. I meant no harm, so calm down.
DaRkNiGhTGoDXxX: fuck you.. i will not calm down.
Mike Thee Dyke: Not wasting my time with someone who knows no manners. Later.
And that is the story... of the bitch who was surfing the crimson wave, but.... is still a bitch no matter what wave she is surfing.
The moral of the story: Kelly is a bitch, and will always be a bitch.. and most likely die a lonely death surrounded by her poor anally abused cats.
THE END! :D!