Blue Canary

[southernbellakv]

This is my entry for Brigits_flames. Topic: Canary in a Coal Mine. Rated PG. This piece was actually loosely inspired by a story I heard while watching the Olympics about an athlete from another nation. I also focused on a part of the explanation that focused in on the canary's life being "short but meaningful." Hopefully, the topic is conveyed how

Comments

[lisforliz]

I love how you tied the games into your entry this week. Nice job and good luck!

[kithlyara]

I don't think I've ever been happier for someone to get a broken leg! Good story!

[mermaidbia]

Gorgeous, so much meaning inbetween the lines, so many lopsided interpretations. You did wonderful describing how her mind works when she is "in the zone", completely concentrated on her movements, movements filling out her world, and I loved the poetry in those paragraphs. But at the same time you keep a sturdy realism when describing the arguments with her parents. There's a nice feel of vertigo there - in a way, I feel the athlete loves what she's doing, for the sake of the doing and the grace she experiences at it, but if it all has to come at the cost of a life, then she is really a canary in the coal mine, and her cage is her parents' greed for attention and fame. And ironically, she has to break her leg in order to fly free.

You did an awesome job with this piece. I'm awed, seriously.

[southernbellakv]

Thank you all for the positive feedback. Hopefully you'll remember me when you vote!

[mermaidbia]

Of course I did. On the other hand I'd really appreciate it if people read my entry and commented...it's a bit messy, but I got it done...

Editing

[cedarwolfsinger]

Hello! I'm your primary editor this week. I did not get to vote this week - just a difficult weekend for getting to the computer. However, before I fell asleep over my laptop on Friday night, I had noted to myself that yours was one of the entries for which I would have voted

Re: Editing

[southernbellakv]

I will answer your questions. :)

I chose blue because when I was writing her doing her stuff, she was wearing blue, and one thing I observed while watching the olympics was that gymnasts really do appear to fly. So I used the color of her leotard with the thematic bird.

She didn't hurt herself on purpose. She was so distracted by her misery that she just messed up. Even the best fall. Plus, her heart just wasn't in it, and everybody has their breaking part. I've known kids growing up whose parents drove them so hard that they prayed for an injury so they wouldn't have to do it anymore. When I heard the story about one of the Chinese gymnast and just saw it in her eyes she wasn't happy, it irritated me, especially when the announcers were like "Lucky for us she wasn't allowed to quit."

I'm glad you enjoyed it. :)

[lacombe]

Hey there! I'm one of your editors for this week.

There is nothing but tunnel vision as I hit the end of the runway and leap onto the springboard. My body feels elongated as my head tucks and my hands land on the vault. Pushing off, the ground stares from beneath me as I complete two and a half twists. The world seems to be rotating in slow motion as I begin the descent back to the ground. My breath catches in my throat as I land with my feet side by side. I stay there for a split second before I stand up straight and face the judges, my arms rise gracefully above my head.

Just a quick thought about this. It's completely preferential on my part, but I think this might be a little too literal for me. I'm caught up with the moment, but it might flow better if you used some metaphor and simile here- maybe just to make this bigger than the already exciting reality that you have there.

---

”You are not quitting. You are a shoe-in for the Olympics!

Here's three other ways to write that sentence for you to think about:

”You are

[southernbellakv]

Thank you Jacques! I don't know when I started having issues with hyphenated words, but that's been a consistent problem my last month of writing.

[lacombe]

You're welcome! :-) Good luck this month!