Comments | soy_un_higado: REVISED final project for creative writing

soy_un_higado

REVISED final project for creative writing

Mar 06, 2007 21:03

if any of you want to read this before next tuesday and let me know if it doesn't suck anymore plz let a brotha know

Mike Newell

The Life of Christopher

“At age six I fell from my bedroom window and onto the hot summer lawn. The grass was dry, arid, scratchy and I felt my entire body erupt in an uncomfortable itch as I writhed in ( Read more... )

Comments 6

Suggestions. anonymous March 11 2007, 03:18:38 UTC

As always, don't listen to all of my suggestions. I don't want to put prescribe my own aesthetic on yours. But if these suggestions work for you, well, I guess that's what criticism's for.

Let's do this in chrono-order?

1. I heard her scream “Chris?!” but it felt distant. -- If it felt distant, you need to SHOW the reader how it felt distant. Having her in a nightgown is a good detail, but a BETTER one that could progress BOTH her character and SHOW the distance between her and Chris might be the best economy.

i.e. She barked Chris' name as she was painting her fingernails. -- Not the best, but you know what I mean. Show that she is not invested in this character.

2. In

Re: Suggestions. anonymous March 11 2007, 03:19:30 UTC

Ack I didn't even finish what I had typed out. I'll try again. This is Marc Jones btw.

akaiani March 11 2007, 04:18:46 UTC

As always, don't listen to all of my suggestions. I don't want to put prescribe my own aesthetic on yours. But if these suggestions work for you, well, I guess that's what criticism's for ( ... )

akaiani March 11 2007, 04:19:30 UTC

15. Praise + I want more "The world was a desert, and the sun had already begun to set in the sky" -- That sounds interesting. Since you wont tell us what city this is, at least describe the geography in detail ( ... )

akaiani March 11 2007, 04:19:44 UTC

26. Jim erupted -- Again, with the eruptions. Jim cannot erupt because you've already EXHAUSTED eruptions. Eruptions in this story is not nurse slapping. Maybe this is a way to fix this -- a. Everytime you use "erupt" pay very, very, very close attention to details. Show your reader eruption. As it currently stands, they don't see it. b. Don't use the word so often, symbolically tying Chris and Jim together--readers can already see this symbolism, but a word connection can be useful. Just be smart about it ( ... )

winner amomentofsaturn March 11 2007, 19:21:28 UTC

mike you have a lot of talent. did you post your other writing from 265? i'm going to check.