Holy shit...it's like riding a bike
Ok, not exactly. Riding a bike is a skill. Posting on LJ is...well, as I said to candygramme earlier today...it's like filling a void in my soul that's been there for a little while now. Too long.
Ok, I'm not that full of myself. It may not be epic. I didn't cure cancer or anything while I was away. But it is long and an attempt to catch you all up, if you're interested in being caught up on this...MIA AWOL deserter.
First things first - where the hell is everybody???????? Have you all moved on from LJ? From *wibble* SPN fandom? Say it ain't so...? Not when after this past season I finally feel as though Show is back on track and where it should be. I mean yeah, it will take a bit to heal from the mud it has been dragged through occasionally but it is and always has been SHOW. I wanted to find and hug Jeremy Carver after the season finale and thank him for giving us back our boys while at the same time not discarding everything and everyone we have come to know and love in the meantime. I probably shouldn't get to showsophical (show+philosophical - yeah, I coined a new word) when I have been gone so long. ;)
So....life. Fuck. Where do I even start?
One of the last RL posts I made had to do with me getting into graduate school. Fuck. A little over two years ago. I can't believe it has been that long. I guess I can start there?
I got into graduate school. About two months later...I got engaged. Yep. Engaged. I wish I could say that it has all been a fairy tale since but alas...I'm...closer to ending the relationship than I am to getting married. I don't know. We're still working on it. Crap for another time. Suffice to say, I really thought this was the one that would stick. Duh. Otherwise I wouldn't have said yes. A lot happens in two years. While I've been IN a relationship more than not since pretty much HIGH SCHOOL, I haven't been in MANY. Four serious relationships. Over the course of 21 years. Yeah, I tend to try to make it work until the bitter end. I'm not a relationship jumper. Anyway, the last two years has taken its toll on this relationship and I don't know what happens now. Again, more detail for another time. For now, we are still together and technically, still engaged.
Some background there - I knew Robert for about two years before he actually got me to go out with him. In that time, my previous 8 year relationship was coming to an end. (Krys - for any of you who remember him, is married and they are expecting their first child in August! I'm ok with that and we're actually still friends. I like when it can work out that way.) I was then hung up on someone who was never going to be but we won't get into that. I finally started to realize that I was bring an idiot and opened myself up to Robert. Things were really awesome for a while albeit, complicated and as a friend once advised, "messy." He has two children, both girls. The oldest lives with us. Her mother, his first wife, apparently flipped her lid while she was pregnant and started doing drugs. That continued after Jessica was born so she was also abusive. Robert took her and left when Jessica was only 4 months old. He has had custody of her ever since. So Jessica has many psychological and behavioral issues. She'll be 18 in August. 18 going on 10. It's...challenging. The other daughter is from his longer marriage. She lives with her mom.
Two years ago, after getting into grad school, we moved to Montana. Me, Robert, Jessica, and my mom. Oh, and three cats. :) Holy shitballs, that was harder than I expected it to be. I mean, I wasn't looking for a cakewalk, but wtf? It cost a friggin' fortune. A fortune we didn't have to begin with. The movers destroyed a bunch of our stuff. We're still fighting with them. Yeah, that's right. Still. Two years later. There was barely time to get situated before school started. It was a year before I completely unpacked.
School has fucked with me in ways that I never thought imaginable. A friend of mine warned me of the things to expect but no amount of warning could have made me understand. For starters, moving to Montana was a hell of a lot more culture shockerific than I ever anticipated. I mean, hell, I'm a country girl from Pennsylvania. Transplanted to the big city of Boston for a while but still a country girl at heart. Montana isn't country. Montana is...yeah, there's no words to accurately describe it. But anyway, graduate school...it isn't school. It is...torture. Let me clarify immediately - GOOD torture. Is there such a thing? (Not the kink!fic kind, you perverts. LOL!) But seriously, I am so glad that I made this decision. It has not only been an amazing experience where I have learned a lot academically, but I have learned a lot about myself. Because of my research and where it has led me, I have also been forced out of my shell a bit. I know. Some of you are thinking - she had a shell? I did. A nice, comfy one. Where I hid from certain things. For instance, I went from being terrified to speak in a conference room of 5 colleagues to speaking, most recently, to a room of 250 people and not even breaking a sweat.
I'm almost finished with school. It feels a little weird. Technically, I would have finished right about now. In September of last year, I changed my thesis topic mid-stream. Best thing EVER. I don't regret it for a millisecond. It brought me into things and opportunities I never would have had otherwise. I couldn't even begin to explain without writing a book. I get to work with one of my idols in the archaeological world. I get to work on an amazing project and do some awesome research that means something to an entire town. I get to follow a passion I didn't even know I had until a little less than a year ago which is public archaeology and education. On a volunteer basis I've gotten to work with a group of awesome kids at the alternative high school here. I've not known many things more rewarding than spending time with kids who for one reason or another can't make it in "traditional" high school, who have trouble with the law or at home or with abuse or god only knows what and watching their eyes pop open and see them get passionate about history, and archaeology and preservation. This summer I am leading a field school too. By the end of the year, December-ish, I hopefully will have finished my thesis and defended it, officially adding the extra letters at the end of my name. There's already talk from others and thoughts of my own about going for a Ph.D. I haven't ruled it out. I'm actually more ruling it in than out. But I don't think here in Montana. And I need time to regroup. Get a job. Go from there.
I feel like I'm starting to ramble. There's so many things from the past few years that I COULD talk about in more detail. But again, would need to write a book.
So what brings me here? To LJ-land. Brings me "back." I don't want to sound sappy. I undoubtedly will, but I don't want to on purpose. I also don't want to sound insincere. Believe me when I say, I am nothing BUT sincere. I haven't TECHNICALLY been here much over the past couple years. I've missed a whole fucking lot of stuff. I've missed fandom things except what I am able to pick up on facebook and randomly on the interwebz because hey, we're a kickass fandom. News travels. :) I've drifted a bit. I feel a little on the periphery of things. I've also missed a lot of personal stuff from the people on my f-list. The people I have considered friends and still DO consider friends. However, as unbelievable and sappy as this might sound, I mean it from the depths of my soul - I would not be where I am right now if not for you guys. The hectic nature of life and school combined sucks a lot of energy and time away from me but there isn't a day that has gone by that I didn't think of you either collectively or individually. When I feel weak, and tired, from a distance I still gather strength from a family that don't end with blood. For god's sake, sometime this summer I'll be heading out to CAMP in the middle of nowhere Montana for two weeks and when thinking about how relieved I am that there will be people there who know what the fuck they are doing, all I could think was, "Well, if there's a fucking Wendigo, I at least know what to do about that!" It's a natural thought. :)
Call it crazy. Why not? This fandom is known for it's batshit craziness anyway. ;) Yeah, call it crazy, but somehow the timing of this season's end and my life seem to correspond. I don't know if it is too late. Hell, some of you have moved on. Some are lurking. Some are still there, steadfast as always. Life happens. Things change. I often feel I've let many of you down by not being "here." I often feel guilty about it. Yet, at the same time, I know I had to take the path I did. But as I've said so many times before and will say again, this, even with its changes and uncertainty, is my happy place. My safe place. In a way...home.
I'm not making any crazy promises. None of the "I promise to be around more often!" I honestly don't know how much I'll be able to be here. In a few short weeks, field school starts and I know I'll be busy as a sonofabitch. For the past few days, I've been around. I've been...lurking. I've been reading fic. Goddamn how much I've missed it! I forgot how much I enjoyed it once upon a time. But anyway, I'm not making promises but I am going to try. Actually, it isn't about trying really. It's just a natural feeling. I want to be here. It feels natural. It feels right. It isn't about feeling like I have to be here out of guilt or obligation. You all, are a part of who I am.
I just simply....am.
I've missed you all. If you're here, let me know. Say hi. Yell at me. Whatever. I've missed you all, I"ll take the good and the bad. :) I want to get caught up on your lives.
I already said this above but I've been thinking about it a lot lately - family don't end with blood - and you are all, my family.
Ok, I'm not that full of myself. It may not be epic. I didn't cure cancer or anything while I was away. But it is long and an attempt to catch you all up, if you're interested in being caught up on this...MIA AWOL deserter.
First things first - where the hell is everybody???????? Have you all moved on from LJ? From *wibble* SPN fandom? Say it ain't so...? Not when after this past season I finally feel as though Show is back on track and where it should be. I mean yeah, it will take a bit to heal from the mud it has been dragged through occasionally but it is and always has been SHOW. I wanted to find and hug Jeremy Carver after the season finale and thank him for giving us back our boys while at the same time not discarding everything and everyone we have come to know and love in the meantime. I probably shouldn't get to showsophical (show+philosophical - yeah, I coined a new word) when I have been gone so long. ;)
So....life. Fuck. Where do I even start?
One of the last RL posts I made had to do with me getting into graduate school. Fuck. A little over two years ago. I can't believe it has been that long. I guess I can start there?
I got into graduate school. About two months later...I got engaged. Yep. Engaged. I wish I could say that it has all been a fairy tale since but alas...I'm...closer to ending the relationship than I am to getting married. I don't know. We're still working on it. Crap for another time. Suffice to say, I really thought this was the one that would stick. Duh. Otherwise I wouldn't have said yes. A lot happens in two years. While I've been IN a relationship more than not since pretty much HIGH SCHOOL, I haven't been in MANY. Four serious relationships. Over the course of 21 years. Yeah, I tend to try to make it work until the bitter end. I'm not a relationship jumper. Anyway, the last two years has taken its toll on this relationship and I don't know what happens now. Again, more detail for another time. For now, we are still together and technically, still engaged.
Some background there - I knew Robert for about two years before he actually got me to go out with him. In that time, my previous 8 year relationship was coming to an end. (Krys - for any of you who remember him, is married and they are expecting their first child in August! I'm ok with that and we're actually still friends. I like when it can work out that way.) I was then hung up on someone who was never going to be but we won't get into that. I finally started to realize that I was bring an idiot and opened myself up to Robert. Things were really awesome for a while albeit, complicated and as a friend once advised, "messy." He has two children, both girls. The oldest lives with us. Her mother, his first wife, apparently flipped her lid while she was pregnant and started doing drugs. That continued after Jessica was born so she was also abusive. Robert took her and left when Jessica was only 4 months old. He has had custody of her ever since. So Jessica has many psychological and behavioral issues. She'll be 18 in August. 18 going on 10. It's...challenging. The other daughter is from his longer marriage. She lives with her mom.
Two years ago, after getting into grad school, we moved to Montana. Me, Robert, Jessica, and my mom. Oh, and three cats. :) Holy shitballs, that was harder than I expected it to be. I mean, I wasn't looking for a cakewalk, but wtf? It cost a friggin' fortune. A fortune we didn't have to begin with. The movers destroyed a bunch of our stuff. We're still fighting with them. Yeah, that's right. Still. Two years later. There was barely time to get situated before school started. It was a year before I completely unpacked.
School has fucked with me in ways that I never thought imaginable. A friend of mine warned me of the things to expect but no amount of warning could have made me understand. For starters, moving to Montana was a hell of a lot more culture shockerific than I ever anticipated. I mean, hell, I'm a country girl from Pennsylvania. Transplanted to the big city of Boston for a while but still a country girl at heart. Montana isn't country. Montana is...yeah, there's no words to accurately describe it. But anyway, graduate school...it isn't school. It is...torture. Let me clarify immediately - GOOD torture. Is there such a thing? (Not the kink!fic kind, you perverts. LOL!) But seriously, I am so glad that I made this decision. It has not only been an amazing experience where I have learned a lot academically, but I have learned a lot about myself. Because of my research and where it has led me, I have also been forced out of my shell a bit. I know. Some of you are thinking - she had a shell? I did. A nice, comfy one. Where I hid from certain things. For instance, I went from being terrified to speak in a conference room of 5 colleagues to speaking, most recently, to a room of 250 people and not even breaking a sweat.
I'm almost finished with school. It feels a little weird. Technically, I would have finished right about now. In September of last year, I changed my thesis topic mid-stream. Best thing EVER. I don't regret it for a millisecond. It brought me into things and opportunities I never would have had otherwise. I couldn't even begin to explain without writing a book. I get to work with one of my idols in the archaeological world. I get to work on an amazing project and do some awesome research that means something to an entire town. I get to follow a passion I didn't even know I had until a little less than a year ago which is public archaeology and education. On a volunteer basis I've gotten to work with a group of awesome kids at the alternative high school here. I've not known many things more rewarding than spending time with kids who for one reason or another can't make it in "traditional" high school, who have trouble with the law or at home or with abuse or god only knows what and watching their eyes pop open and see them get passionate about history, and archaeology and preservation. This summer I am leading a field school too. By the end of the year, December-ish, I hopefully will have finished my thesis and defended it, officially adding the extra letters at the end of my name. There's already talk from others and thoughts of my own about going for a Ph.D. I haven't ruled it out. I'm actually more ruling it in than out. But I don't think here in Montana. And I need time to regroup. Get a job. Go from there.
I feel like I'm starting to ramble. There's so many things from the past few years that I COULD talk about in more detail. But again, would need to write a book.
So what brings me here? To LJ-land. Brings me "back." I don't want to sound sappy. I undoubtedly will, but I don't want to on purpose. I also don't want to sound insincere. Believe me when I say, I am nothing BUT sincere. I haven't TECHNICALLY been here much over the past couple years. I've missed a whole fucking lot of stuff. I've missed fandom things except what I am able to pick up on facebook and randomly on the interwebz because hey, we're a kickass fandom. News travels. :) I've drifted a bit. I feel a little on the periphery of things. I've also missed a lot of personal stuff from the people on my f-list. The people I have considered friends and still DO consider friends. However, as unbelievable and sappy as this might sound, I mean it from the depths of my soul - I would not be where I am right now if not for you guys. The hectic nature of life and school combined sucks a lot of energy and time away from me but there isn't a day that has gone by that I didn't think of you either collectively or individually. When I feel weak, and tired, from a distance I still gather strength from a family that don't end with blood. For god's sake, sometime this summer I'll be heading out to CAMP in the middle of nowhere Montana for two weeks and when thinking about how relieved I am that there will be people there who know what the fuck they are doing, all I could think was, "Well, if there's a fucking Wendigo, I at least know what to do about that!" It's a natural thought. :)
Call it crazy. Why not? This fandom is known for it's batshit craziness anyway. ;) Yeah, call it crazy, but somehow the timing of this season's end and my life seem to correspond. I don't know if it is too late. Hell, some of you have moved on. Some are lurking. Some are still there, steadfast as always. Life happens. Things change. I often feel I've let many of you down by not being "here." I often feel guilty about it. Yet, at the same time, I know I had to take the path I did. But as I've said so many times before and will say again, this, even with its changes and uncertainty, is my happy place. My safe place. In a way...home.
I'm not making any crazy promises. None of the "I promise to be around more often!" I honestly don't know how much I'll be able to be here. In a few short weeks, field school starts and I know I'll be busy as a sonofabitch. For the past few days, I've been around. I've been...lurking. I've been reading fic. Goddamn how much I've missed it! I forgot how much I enjoyed it once upon a time. But anyway, I'm not making promises but I am going to try. Actually, it isn't about trying really. It's just a natural feeling. I want to be here. It feels natural. It feels right. It isn't about feeling like I have to be here out of guilt or obligation. You all, are a part of who I am.
I just simply....am.
I've missed you all. If you're here, let me know. Say hi. Yell at me. Whatever. I've missed you all, I"ll take the good and the bad. :) I want to get caught up on your lives.
I already said this above but I've been thinking about it a lot lately - family don't end with blood - and you are all, my family.