The longest notebook post you've ever ignored!
3-10 Friday
Before
So, it turns out that even on days I'd kind of looked forward to, had a tiny glimmer of hope that it might not give itself over to the side of suck, of course, everything has to work together to chew up any last shred of potential happiness and spit it out in the form of today.
3 Concert Band
Everything is being retarded today. Why can't things just not suck? Band is weird. There's a cuddling orgy on one side of the room and a Magic the Gathering orgy on the other side.
4 Library
...So, uh, somebody could have told me there was no lunch period today, so I wouldn't just be sitting there in the hallway like a loser with no class to go to. Goddammit.
6 Government
I spent the entire day writing my stupid Chaucer tale...but now stupid &E is in this classroom so I can't finish drawing the cover. Fzuck on a stick. Hm. Apparently &E is dropping out. Disappointing.
[Spring Break]
3-20 Monday
Before
Ah, back to habit/routine at the ol' hell place. I already managed to trip up the stairs, and I've been here all of four minutes. Life is grand (honestly). Alkaline Trio pwns me unconditionally. Especially their early stuff, where all they talked about was getting drunk and killing themselves. I wonder where the transition happened where they only talk about being vampires now. Maybe they actually got drunk, killed themselves, and really became vampires. Hanyway, my Alk3 CD collection doubled yesterday (due to a sale pitched by one of the unnervingly adorable boys who works at Sam Goody; I should get a job there). One that I would categorize as old (get drunk, talk about girls who don't like you, wish you were dead) and one as new (actually become--came?--dead, talk about death and dying and dead stuff, focus explicitly on Skiba's desire to be a vampire). Yep. All in all, pretty sweet. A sort of attractive (but really nice and caring) sort of scene guy wants to "hang out" (oh joy, my favorite thing) with me this week...but it's not a date...so of course I don't want to...because why waste my time befriending a boy who's never going to like me? Maybehehascutefriends? I need to not be so single-minded in my quest to get a guy. Or just find a new goal to obsess about. Forget about boys, they're stupid anyway. The whole thing made me think, though, and I composed a fabulous angst/comedy rant (when I was too far away from my computer to get it down, le tragedy) annnd now I don't feel like sharing it. Nevermind.
1 Symphonic Band
If Skiba is a vampire, then I'm a zombie. Mm, brains.
2 Brit Lit
My jacket is a garden of mysterious and exotic lints and fuzzes.
Haha! I got 65/65 on my Frankendude test. Even though she circled that I wrote 'who knows' for one of my answers. I believe that deserves a beating from the fantaStick. Arg. Can an entire day pass without something ridiculously stupid and sucky happening? I just want one fully good day. I'd even settle for one morning...one class period...one hour? (le tragedy) (and le angst and le pout and le emo and le stfu)
5 Drama
Man, it freaks me the fuck out when people try to connect with me on my interests and find common ground and...basically notice that I exist at all. ...They are my minions. Every last one. >=D
3-21 Tuesday
Before
I am an unsleeped zombie today. Yes, K8 let another stupid boy ploy her into staying up all night talking to him on the intarweb. But it was good times.
2 Brit Lit
Today is the first day of spring. Let us all bounce in honor of that. "I could muster up more enthusiasm than you even if you were made of fireworks!" (yawn emoticon)
...Omfgz, I hate M-C-sensei. Just because I hate talking to her, and she knows that, she feels the need to periodically pick me out in front of the whole class and talk down to me like I'm retarded and don't understand the words she's saying to me.
M-C-sensei: "Katie! Can you tell us about whatever the fuck we're talking about? I know you're listening and know what's going on so there's no need to pop you a question to get you to pay attention like most of the rest of the class isn't; I just feel the need to patronize and further alienate you from your peers! Sit! Stay! Roll over! Go fetch!"
I wish I had the guts to respond with something like "Actually, M-C-sensei, I can't tell you about 'The Ideas of the Poet in Romantic Literature' [see, I knew what was going on] because I'm busy attempting to do what I consider a barely-scrimping-by job, which my ohsosuperior to me peers would see as grossly overachieving, on your ridiculously long 10-page busywork assignment. Oh yeah, and also I can't stand to listen to your fucking voice, so I tune you out because I hate you. Stfu! Go lay down! Don't shit in the house! Don't treat me like an inferior being, you nazi zealot!" Fuck her. Fuck everything. I want a nap. And maybe a juicebox.
...So now she wants us to write an apology to something? Okay. "Dear Brain: I'm sorry I put you through this shit every day. You realize how rad we could be if this stupid outside world wasn't constantly pressuring us to turn into shitheads like them? Imagine how it would be, just you and me, our own singular entity, nothing to do but just be and think about how cool we are. Not having to worry about growing up and responsibility and everything they want us to do. Just you and me, brain. Bein' awesome together. Sorry. Love, Kate."
Oh, k8, you are the master of overreacting to the slightest, most inconsequential things. And it took you a whole page minus five lines to even just begin to cool down and consider 'getting over it.' And now, to ice this cake of bitterness with a frosting of sludge, forced group interaction! This day couldn't get any better if I got run over by a truck and won like a zillion dollars in the settlement. Fuck, I hate this. I'll have to talk to someone eventually, and no doubt M-C-sensei's already mentally demoted me from living breathing conscious being to single-celled amoeba existing solely to swallow other single-celled organisms into my ever-growing existence of oblivion and eventually split myself in half and create a clone... I forgot what I was bitching about. M-C-sensei has now moved me to the very front and center of the classroom, constantly directly in her line of sight [because I'm just SUCH a bad kid, you know, always up to trouble in my dark little corner in the back]. Just injustice heaped upon injustice. This day couldn’t get any better if a bomb detonated inside my head and my bloody brain goo spattered all over the walls and M-C-sensei's immaculate blue suit. ...I kind of wish it would.
Lunch
I'm thinking I don't know if I can stand another whole class with M-C-sensei (remember how she used to hold the title of Evil Bitch from Hell sensei? that's reinstated as of today). I wish I had the metaphorical 'balls' to skip in school. But I also lack the literal 'will' to brave the cold and death and d00m of outside. So, suffer I will. At least I'll have something to complain about later.
5 Drama
Oh my god, I can't fucking take this shit anymore. I pretty much just want EBfH-sensei to fuck off and die (slowly, painfully, torturously) at this point. I just want people to stop giving me shit about everything. Leave me the hell alone. I want to go crawl into a hole and hibernate. Or disappear. Or die.
6 Government
I wish people wouldn't talk to me at all. Except for the ones I like, and then only when I want them to.
I love how G-sensei says "The moral of [this lecture] is..." and then asks us a big open-ended question. Always getting us to think, instead of just sponge. [You have to squeeze us, you know, to get us to absorb it. Terrible metaphor. Sorry.]
3-22 Wednesday
[passing period]
So, today was totally sweet. I stayed home and slept for my first three classes (was up all night talking to boy again) and now I have come to school just for Government. Because. You know. It's Government. ^-^ Hanyways, boy is too scared of mother and bus system illiterate to come to my house, so we're going to meet at a Scurvies concert on Friday. I wonder if I should invite K-chan...
6 Government
Wow, ten minutes back in this place and something has already driven me to the point of near tears. I hate everything. =( Haha, everything is all despair and tragedy today, and I have no sympathy for anyone.
After
Going to university is going to be so rad. Why? Because totally all school days should be an hour and a half long. Shah.
3-23 Thursday
Before
Blarg.
2 Brit Lit
M-C-Sensei is burning the evil hell death candle again. And it's a brand new one, six inches tall, will probably last about a year or twelve. I really don't like walking through the underclasspeoples hallways. If only everyone could be as totally with it as the seniors. Ah, I love it when things are fantastically easy. Especially when the same things stress other people out really bad. I am not a nice person.
5 Drama
I'm...uh...working on my drama project...if anyone asks. Even though there's really nothing to do, but maybe a ray of hope will shine upon me today and M-C-Sensei won't bitch me out for once. Ha, I don't even really have to write; just stare really concentrating-like at the page; she can't see it. Butttt. Of course I couldn't just have one day with no bullshit. At least someone else had to listen and take it with me. Goddamn my head hurts.
3-24 Friday
Before
Fuck. I hate "the boy" for being so compelling as to keep me awake until at least 2 every night this week. Garrr! (monsterface)
2 Brit Lit
Oh my fucking god. M-C-Sensei just bitched me out for not saying hi to her when I came into class this morning. Double you tee eff. I had my music on; I didn't even know she said anything to me when I first walked in. And what if I just hate her too much to even associate with her (apparently that hasn't gotten through to her yet)? It's my choice who I want to talk to and be nice to; I can't believe I got reprimanded for that. She needs to get the fuck over herself. Goddamn. ...And yes, I realize that to some degree I need to also. But srzly. Tell me this is not the most retarded thing you've heard all week. @_@
3 Concert Band
The same kids who said "strip poker with girls is FUN!" a while ago are today talking about how great it would be to "slap a 50 year old teacher's ass." Wow, I love humanity. (kills self)
3-28 Tuesday
Before
Fuck, this place again. Already made a spectacular ass of myself. It took 30 seconds of being here and I already want to run away and never show my face again. Life is so goddamn awesome. @_@
2 Brit Lit
Yayes, M-sensei is back, which means maybe M-C-sensei might not talk or get involved as much.
Lunch
I should have gone to the library already, but I'm hoping against all odds that K-chan will show up and take me away. School is a bitch. I guess I have senioretarditus. Causes: 7 hours a day, 5 days/week, 9 months/year, 13+ years; the USandTHEM paradox. Symptoms: Overwhelming desire to leave school before even arriving; inability to function normally with peers; refusal to tolerate even being in the presence of bitchy teachers. Treatments: Solitude; time to angst!rant in notebook without penalty on other aspects of existence; naps. Cure: Someone said there are 30 days...
Why can't I just do anything in a non stupid and lame way? Even just sneezing caused the whole hallway to go silent and stare at me. I'm so pathetic. (sadpanda) Hanyway. I think I got sick in Anchorage. I know I inhaled a ton of pollution. Beh. Nothing to say. Everything is suck. There are three different couples within my line of sight, all cuddling. One is even laying on the floor and making out. o____o (explodes) I FUCKING HATE COUPLES. ESPECIALLY THE MAKEY-OUTEY ONES! Administrative authorities don't even care. One of them just giggled and shook her head like it's funny for two obviously underage kids [come on, one is shorter than me] to get half naked and hump on the floor where we all have to watch. I fucking hate this place. And I wish everyone would die.
4 Library
Haha, I feel like such a nerd for being all prepared with my intarweb cable and list of proxies. But I got it to work. I am teh rad.
...Compy battery is deadz0r'd. Now I have nothing to do for 8 minutes. I wonder what it would be like if I fully assimilated. Would I have friends here? Right now, I wouldn't want these people for friends even if they didn't view and treat me as a socially retarded martian creature. UAI Guy [meh meh meh, yes, I know] is in 4th period government. Blarg, I don't care. He's not even cute anymore...maybe never was. K8 is so fickle. Meanwhile, EHB from last year grew his pretty emo hair back and is quite effeminate and nice to look at now. ^-^
5 Drama
I think AL is the kind of person that's always going to seek comfort in others but not realize that the true power to be happy comes from inside. Maybe that's the same with me. (shrug) At any rate, he's not going to find it with stupid hippieface HS. Mehers. It's not my business. So, K-chan's done gone fucked up her life again [from what I could gather on her LJ]. I need to fix her. v_v I have to pee but there's a whole class period left and school bathrooms are full of giant man-eating vagina parasites anyway. [I'm typing this up five months later, and I honestly don't remember writing this. o.O I was like "wtf, if this weren't in my handwriting which everyone complains about and no one can duplicate, I would not believe it."]
3-29 Wednesday
2 Brit Lit
It's pretty pathetic that even when I sit at the end of a row and put my stuff in the seat next to me, the prepulars occupying the rest of the row still feel the need to put another seat's worth barrier of cootie protection between "USandTHEM".
Lunch
How could anyone not like ska?
6 Government
My compy battery srzly sucks. It always dies when I have like...4 minutes left. Too early to pack up and leave, too late to invest myself in another activity; I exist in limbo between these two extremes, and EVERYONE IS STARING AT ME. (paranoiattack) And so I notebook.
3-30 Thursday
Before
The school smells of the sea today. And not in a good way. [Is there a good way? No, unless you're actually smelling the sea. Shut up, Kate.] I am very weary today, despite having slept something like 11 hours yesterday. I got my teeth broken and fixed by the devil...I mean, the dentist. So my face hurts.
Lunch
Omfgz. Can't walk up stairs. (= dead)
4 Library
Compy is a bastard. Because--srzly--it always dies when I have like exactly 3 minutes left and now nothing to do.
3-31 Friday
2 Brit Lit
OOOOOH! M-C-sensei just said SHIT. She tried to turn it into a shoot, but it went up at the end and was definitely a shit. La-la-la-larf. Wow, the amount of shit they give me in this class is just unbelievable. LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE, for once. @_@ Oh my god. If Angela Frigidwhatever is the graduation speaker, I will kill myself right in the middle of the ceremony, in front of everyone. Jeez. "Poets were the rockstars of their time." Pretty much the first astute thing one of THEM has ever said in this class.
Lunch
Aww, so no fair. I want sushi. Le sad. And cake. Cake is good.
4-3 Monday
2 Brit Lit
I'm sure this makes me a terrible person, but sometimes I enjoy being in groups with horribly ugly or disfigured people because it gives me an excuse to stare at their freakishness. I'm excited by freakishly ugly things like tumors and skin lesions and this girl sitting across from me who has no chin. It's just a straight from the bottom of where her nose connects all the way down her neck. Freakish. Exciting. [Face that is impossible to render in ASCII and I'm too lazy to take a picture of it. But it's a perplexed and pondering face.]
5 Drama
Elyse said I am a vagabond because I "live out of my backpack." That was amusing. It amazes me that I used to parody the Greek plays we read in 9th and 10th...'cause whenever I hear any of the "old language" like that now, I'm just like ?_?
4-7 Friday
Before
Waaaahh. Everything is pain today. (drowns in snot) I so don't want to be here right now. But then again, who really wants to be here ever? Arg. There's totally nothing to write about, but I want to save my compy battery and I don't have a book...can't let THEM see me not doing anything--they might ask why. Or even just notice that I actually exist. And that might just be enough to shock me into silence for the rest of the day. Not that I was planning on talking to any of THEM anyway. It always baffles me when I see someone I'm almost certain I've never seen at this school before. But then I figure it's just because I'm short and usually looking at my feet/the general in front of me area so I don't trip or run into people (a service all people should offer, but many don't, especially towards us shorties/smallies), and I just don't look at faces much.
4-10 Monday
Lunch
Stomach pains are the worst kind of pain ever. I feel terrible. : | [But the fact that I found nothing worse than that to complain about means it was a good day. Or I was just too far from my notebook when the shittiness was going on.]
4-11 Tuesday
2 Brit Lit
I slept the whole night yesterday. From 5 to 5. It was freaking fantastic. Annnd 7 minutes I've been here and already I've been called out and bitched at in front of everyone by M-C-sensei. Oh how I want her to just burst into flames. I don't fucking do voluntary group things, you stupid ho, how many instances like this must we endure before you get that? Ohhh, people are pissing me off so bad today. These people are so stupid they make my head hurt. >_<
3 Concert Band
Of course, since I had one fantastically nonshitty day yesterday, and I actually allowed myself to enjoy it, that means I have to have a tremendously terrible one today. Some stupid fuckface stepped on my best oboe reed. This is so stupid, I just want to crawl in a corner and die now. Fuck this. And everything. (le pout)
6 Government
Olivia Lowen has a hairy buttcrack. Oh how I wish I had my camera so I could stick a picture of it on her myspace. [I'll have to settle for slandering her on LJ, I suppose. =\] Because really. That thing should not be let out.
4-12 Wednesday
6 Government
Debates always give me such a terrible headache. (eyes asplode and pop out of skull, brain melts and leaks out of ears) Good freakin' times.
4-13 Thursday
5 Drama
WTF(mate) is wrong with people? Srzly. o_o
4-14 Friday
3 Concert Band
Skipping glass, no matter in what context, is always exhilarating. Because, oh man, this is a totally exciting library I'm being not-in-band and doing ohsofun correspondence work in. =O
4-18 Tuesday
2 Brit Lit
The guy that sits next to me eats an entire box of donuts (by himself) and at least two energy drinks in class for breakfast every day. Just thinking about it--and being forced to watch him--makes me sick...but also jealous. You think the fat fuck could spare a single donut? Of course not. Fucking chump. According to 'my generation,' "very few people don't get wasted." So, I guess I'm in a very small minority. Again, some more. Big surprise. I'm just a big loser because I actually give a shit about my health and my sanity and my well-being. Goddamn, I hate these people.
Lunch
Wow, there's nothing like a person half your size but a whole head taller than you to make you feel like absolute shit as soon as you start to have a little confidence in yourself.
4-19 Wednesday
Before
If there is one absolute truth in a "right" world, it's that I shouldn't have to choose between overwhelming B.O. stench and debilitating chemical cologne smell in where I sit. What happened to just, you know, air?
2 Brit Lit
I hate when people blow their noses. I'd rather listen to someone sniffle for an hour than hear one of those gigantic roaring snozz honks.
5 Drama
I can't stand drama anymore. So I'm not going today. ...I just needed to tell someone. I loves me library spot. And reading old but sickeningly good fanfics.
As much as I write about despising them, and they annoy the crap out of me a lot, I really do find people fascinating. I like watching them.
4-20 Thursday
3 Concert Band
Only 45 minutes into it, and it's already shaping up to be one of those 'if there really is a god, he wouldn't allow people this stupid and annoying to continue to breathe' days. I hate them that much. P.S. It's the most retarculous not-real-holiday evar today. I promise to slap anyone who even mentions it across the face. They are that pathetic. =P
After
Three weeks. Every day feels like Friday. (rattles jail cell bars)
4-21 Friday
Before
So, remember waybackintheday when I actually still noticed/cared about people, and I came up with the quote "So many preps, so few little rooms to lock them in"? Well, across the hall from me is a very little room, and the thingy by the door (I can't for all my sanity remember what it's called--plaque? but it's made of plastic) says 'Prep Room'. You can't even imagine how many silent breathy almost-type laughs I let out over that.
2 Brit Lit
More prepulars migrate to this side of the classroom every day. 'Cause us losers are so magnetic. And M-C-sensei says her candle of death is supposed to smell like biscotti. (blergh)
Computer lab time is the most pointless thing ever. And it's bad enough I have to squint at my 8-point font fanfic; I don't need M-C-sense constantly standing behind me looking over my shoulder and asking 'what are youuuu doing?' Which you probably think is an exaggeration, but that's literally what she's doing. And the regular daily giving of the shit has happened already (though I doubt it will be the last time)--"I'm not going to actually look at your writing--" (you better not, bitch, get the fuck away) "--but you really need to be looking up stuff about your project." Fuck you, M-C-sensei. I didn't even vote to come down here. I would have been just as happy squinting at and not comprehending Heart of Darkness, like we've been doing for the past two weeks. Besides, there are tons of other kids in this class who aren't competent enough to manage their own time, why do you always have to focus on me? (Because as soon as she was done bitching at me, she just went and sat at the front of the room and is now doing nothing--except, my overwhelming paranoia tells me, staring at the back of my neck trying to set it on fire with her laser vision.) I should write about the "OMFGangst! *emo* *cry* *blogs about it*" generation. Or maybe the "Intarweb made me illiterate" generation. Except that they probably wouldn't get that I'm mocking netspeak, and the kids would just be like "wtf? I can finally understand what the crazy silent one is talking about! lolz!"
Oh, deep dark secluded back corner of the room, how I missed you. Except now I'm parallel to M-C-sensei's desk. Goddamn, I can't win.
Lunch
I wish there were a way to teleport from place to place around the school...or some way to travel that didn't involve going through the halls, because I seriously can't stand to have to be surrounded by so many people and contend with their stupidity. God complex says what? =O The library closes today after 4th, so I guess--well, I already knew I wasn't going to drama--if I have to face one more steaming pile of verbal poo all over my head from M-C-sensei, I really will go mad and just start screaming and breaking things, including people. So, since I can't stay here--I could try, I suppose, by hiding in a corner...but then I'd have to find a corner; a corner is not MY SPOT; and when they find me, they'd actually be mad instead of the usual 'wtf, you're a loser, get out of here' that I got when I was actually allowed/supposed to be here. What it all comes down to is I'm walking somewhere. I shall have to ponder as to where. Home? CCH? Or the big tv at the university? I bet could even find intarweb for lappy there, hey. I just hope the spot isn't too magically amazing that it becomes overly tempting...I do have to go to classes occasionally if I want to do that whole 'let's graduate and not get thrown out on the street' thing. And all of this hinges on me even finding a spot...because I need a spot. This writing makes me wonder if I'm actually mentally ill--being so people-phobic and set in certain ways--or if I'm just so fucking smart that I exist on an entirely different plan than all these people. How do you figure that out, anyway?
Whenever I finish a really good book, I wish I could make it into a movie. Then maybe I wouldn't hate movies so much if instead of the formulaic bullshit corporate America forces on us, I had something good to watch. My tummy hurts.
5 Drama (ish)
Holy crap man, exercise is hard. It took me fifteen minutes to get to the highest point of the Wood Center, and now I'm all like (flush. wheeze. pant. nausea. sweat. eww) I find it funny how even in college, some people are still fighting the 'war for individuality'. Yes, that means you, o thou of the bright yellow plaid skirt and the ripped up black stockings. I guess it just takes some people longer to realize that it's just easier if you stop fighting physically (because we all assimilate eventually) but just keep fighting mentally. Though I don't see how it's possible to ever give up the mental battle. Unless they get brainwashed. Or snakecharm'd.
I wish I'd brought my camera today, there are so many cool pictures I want to get right now. Oh my. There's a Magic the Gathering game going on below me. I was scoping out the area for 'omghotties!' (there were a few, sadly) and I didn't even notice the demon cards. But. Sorry. That's a realm of uncool that even I won't lower myself to go near. This is the best place for people-watching ever. College people are so interesting (and much more attractive =p). Even if they are just ex-highschool kids aged a few years. Grarr! Someone tried to come up here and usurp THE SPOT! (Yes, I have one, of course I do.)
Haha, what are the odds that A.L. would show up here too? I told him I wasn't going to drama, but who'd have thought he would follow me all this way, even unknowingly? Crazy, crazy world. There's a banner that says 'Bowl for Ecuality.' So it's true, the mean really doesn't get any smarter when it gets to college.
Jeesh, why do people freak me out so bad? A guy with a pink frisbee (who I'd been watching and dubbed 'everything wrong/I want nothing to do with in college') comes up, says "It's an interesting spot up here, huh?" (nod) "I'm not disturbing you, am I? I'm just looking for someone." And I'm all like (nod. blush. freak out. immobilized with fear until he leaves) Not like, fear for my safety. More, fear of interacting because I know he'll think I'm a loser. Why can't I talk to people? I'm broken.
At least I had my shirt pulled over my buttcrack cleavage. I think. I hope. =| It's too bad I don't already have my KSUA application filled out. Then I could (convince myself I actually) have a purpose for coming up here. I keep seeing people who...almost look like someone I know. It's creepy.
Jeesh, I try to smile at strangers, and they're just like *stony glare of death!* Although I suppose I look like that a lot of the time. It’s a vicious cycle of unsmilingness. But you know, it just takes one smile to start over... I desperately want to make friends here. Since I've given up on the people in high school. Mehers. My eyes hurt. This whole structure shakes when people walk on the stairs that lead up to it. I feel so secure right now. Oh oh oh! Green mohawk! (heartgasm) Ah, I see now where all the cool lappy peoples are. So I know where to go next time (I felt it'd be too awkward and showoffy to take it out up here).
Wow, how does college manage to herd so many attractive specimens into one room? Even some of the girls, though I'm far over my lesbi-chick phase, are just like...oooh. And anyone with a ska hat gets an automatic double points bonus. ^-^ My tailbone is numb. Aw, this place is a laughriot for the practiced people-watcher. Yes, just trot along your merry way, Abercrombie boy with Value Village bag.
After
Dammit, left too early. Didn't take into account that the walk back is downhill and taken in much higher spirits than the walk up. And dammit, why can't I lie to anyone? Not even the bus driver when he asked if I was skipping. I even cooked up a great story on the walk back, and as soon as he asks, I'm just like (shifty eyes. blush. gives it away) "...Maybe." You fail, k8.
4-24 Monday
2 Brit Lit
Man, I am so close. That thought just knocks me flat every time I remember.
3 Concert Band
Angela Frigidwhatever is so fakely tanned that she looks like she's made of clay. Although really I wouldn't mind her half as much if she didn't speak. And her waist wasn't as big as my thigh. Srzly. I had more boobs in 4th grade than she does now, the goddamn anorexic twig.
Lunch
I refuse to date anyone who's both younger and taller than me. Unless their name is Sean...but Kara got to him first. Sure, they went to the prom as "just friends" ...but wasn't Kara "just friends" with the last 2 or 3 guys she kind of accidentally fell into bed with? (And then later came whining to me about, like I even had the slightest bit to do with it, or could have stopped her sluttiness if I'd even known it was going to happen.) She's going to ruin him.
I wish I could tell if a certain book is there without having to get up and look for it. 'Cause then what if it's not, I'll just have to be like 'well, shit' and everybody [because, yes, EVERYBODY will be staring at me] will think 'what a loser, doesn't she know how to use a library?' Either that or if the whole place was empty. It feels fuller than usual, maybe because it actually is, or maybe because I don't have my intarweb post (which creates a little pocket/corner of darkness) to hide behind, because I sat in a different place to convince myself to look for that book. It isn't working.
4-25 Tuesday
4 Library
=| I forgot Angela Frigidwhatever was dating L M of my former likingness. Until I saw her (actually, I heard her first--but don't you always hear the bitch first? considering she could stand behind a piece of paper and you wouldn't be able to find her, she is so skinny, and even her whispers screech and whine all the way across the room) sitting on his lap practically having sex with him in the library, the goddamn slutty ho-bag. (vomits all over study cubby)
6 Government
I hate that people are so stupid, but I hate even more that I don't do anything about it. I just sat there and made o_o faces because I couldn't believe what this chick was saying, and in the meantime she brainwashed 5 other people around me with her lies [that HIV can be transmitted through saliva]. And I just made a spectacular ass of myself. G-sensei called on me but I was all concentrated on writing that, so when she asked the question I was just like =|. And the blushing and the stuttering and the trying to hide behind an invisible shield of air. Sigh. Now, in addition to my Brit Lit class, my entire Government class thinks I'm a retarded loser who doesn't know how to talk and doesn't know the answers to anything (I so do, if this had been given to me on paper I would have pwn'd its ass) and turns so red it's like my dumb head is on fire.
After
Scary/crazy...I almost kind of didn’t like G-sensei for a minute. Then she righted the untruths perpetrated by Miss Stupid With The Big Mouth. So now I love her again, like always. But the whole thing's put me in an angry/downer mood. Also, am I the only senior who wouldn't mind if school just perpetuated itself into infinity? I'm terrified of what comes after. Today I meet with college lady to set up schedule. And the thing that terrifies me most about it, oddly, is that I don't know where she is/where to look for her. I'm not scared of talking to her or setting up classes that are going to screw my poor brain over or embarking on my future and all. Mostly (entirely) of just wandering around UAF whimpering 'I don't know where the friendly pretty lady with the crazy unpronounceable last name his. Help me find her? Except..." I wouldn't ask for help. And I wouldn't allow myself to look distressed or lost, so I'd just end up looking angry (like always) and people will roll their eyes and think 'how pathetic' because I am as see-through as that curtain of air that didn't protect me from the scrutiny of my unforgiving peers earlier. Le angst. And after that is off to Sam Goody to get the new TBS CD (if mother is in a good mood; if not, then walking...or crawling...or using my teeth to bite the sidewalk and drag myself along, I want it that bad) ...Which also means inquiring about employment opportunities, and talking to the adorable maybe gay guy who likes SavesTheDay (unless he's not there, in which case I will cry and go home and kill myself, or more likely lie and tell mother they're not hiring--which they may very well not be =|) and being Assertive as my horrorscope said I was to be today. I'm not. I'm a fraud.
4-26 Wednesday
Before
K8 is in college (17!! credits =|!) K8 has Sam Goody application. (No cute boy talking to, only angry inattentive old woman.) [But still LOTS of blushing, because K8 is entirely socially inept.] K8 has new TBS album. (Laz is still sex. =P) K8 is still breathing. (Though she hates climbing stairs.) And always something to complain about. K8's butt hurts. {P.S. I can already tell: Today is such a skip drama and walk home day.}
2 Brit Lit
Wow, the sickeningly fat fuck only has a soda (diet...Pepsi...what a laugh) and a bag of sprinkled frosted animal crackers. But of course he still won't share with anyone, not even his friends.
Lunch
The school newspaper is made of cheese. Oh yes, I kid ye not.
4 (though I did not know it) Library
...Or maybe today is more of a skip drama and hide in the library all day. Hide by way of staying in the same spot [my poor butt is hating me for it] for three and a half hours looking inconspicuous and studious, and hoping on one notices me. Although I've been coming here for a long time, and no one has ever questioned me/said anything (except once or twice to tell me to move because a class needed the table I was at), even when I was supposed to be here, so I don't know why it gets me so paranoid. {Hint: the Kate will never not be paranoid. About everything. Yay double negatives and fragments!} And how creepyful, I didn't even notice that 4th period had started...almost 20 minutes ago. (Furrealz.)
5 Drama
H'kay, so I wasn't counting on the library being COMPLETELY EMPTY for 5th. (paranoia kicks in again times twelve)
After
I enjoy finding the occasional rare person who's just like me in some way or other. So maybe I'm not people-phobic, but instead just terribly bigoted and racist! =P Lawlz.
4-27 Thursday
3 Concert Band
So, uh, I'm pretty much the raddest thing evar. And I pwn all around me with my mad skillz. All your grammar are belong to me! And I need to shut up now. There are a lot of out-of-place people in band today, and L-sensei hasn't said anything or written a schedule on the board, so it's just like ?_? ...I have no idea what to do, and thus I notebook with no purpose! w00t and yay for wasting time and driving myself insane with angst. Of course, always with an eye for preserving my 'too cool for every goddamn thing on the planet' image. Garrr! I hate actually-talented people who are all fantastically great at stuff while I'm just like...I'll play quieter so no one will hear how out of tune I am.
Lunch
Every word Angela Frigidwhatever says is another rusty tack being driven straight into my eardrum. =|
4 Library
What the fucking fuckety fuckly fuck is wrong with people? We've established that I'm not invisible, because they have to be able to see me to give me those 'you are so fucking pathetic' looks (unless they're particularly adverse to the tiles or the color of paint on the walls behind me) but yet they can't take enough notice to not, every single goddamned one of them, cut in front of me and trip me and smack into me when I'm minding my own business and just trying to get to the library so I can escape and not have to be around their retarculousness.
4-28 Friday
6 Government
"Is there anything more fun than analyzing court cases on a Friday afternoon?" No, G-sensei, there's nothing quite like it.
After
Holy crap. Last year we had a John Nolan at school, and this year we have a Ricky Martin. Roflcopter.
Too long for one post! D: *suspense*
Before
So, it turns out that even on days I'd kind of looked forward to, had a tiny glimmer of hope that it might not give itself over to the side of suck, of course, everything has to work together to chew up any last shred of potential happiness and spit it out in the form of today.
3 Concert Band
Everything is being retarded today. Why can't things just not suck? Band is weird. There's a cuddling orgy on one side of the room and a Magic the Gathering orgy on the other side.
4 Library
...So, uh, somebody could have told me there was no lunch period today, so I wouldn't just be sitting there in the hallway like a loser with no class to go to. Goddammit.
6 Government
I spent the entire day writing my stupid Chaucer tale...but now stupid &E is in this classroom so I can't finish drawing the cover. Fzuck on a stick. Hm. Apparently &E is dropping out. Disappointing.
[Spring Break]
3-20 Monday
Before
Ah, back to habit/routine at the ol' hell place. I already managed to trip up the stairs, and I've been here all of four minutes. Life is grand (honestly). Alkaline Trio pwns me unconditionally. Especially their early stuff, where all they talked about was getting drunk and killing themselves. I wonder where the transition happened where they only talk about being vampires now. Maybe they actually got drunk, killed themselves, and really became vampires. Hanyway, my Alk3 CD collection doubled yesterday (due to a sale pitched by one of the unnervingly adorable boys who works at Sam Goody; I should get a job there). One that I would categorize as old (get drunk, talk about girls who don't like you, wish you were dead) and one as new (actually become--came?--dead, talk about death and dying and dead stuff, focus explicitly on Skiba's desire to be a vampire). Yep. All in all, pretty sweet. A sort of attractive (but really nice and caring) sort of scene guy wants to "hang out" (oh joy, my favorite thing) with me this week...but it's not a date...so of course I don't want to...because why waste my time befriending a boy who's never going to like me? Maybehehascutefriends? I need to not be so single-minded in my quest to get a guy. Or just find a new goal to obsess about. Forget about boys, they're stupid anyway. The whole thing made me think, though, and I composed a fabulous angst/comedy rant (when I was too far away from my computer to get it down, le tragedy) annnd now I don't feel like sharing it. Nevermind.
1 Symphonic Band
If Skiba is a vampire, then I'm a zombie. Mm, brains.
2 Brit Lit
My jacket is a garden of mysterious and exotic lints and fuzzes.
Haha! I got 65/65 on my Frankendude test. Even though she circled that I wrote 'who knows' for one of my answers. I believe that deserves a beating from the fantaStick. Arg. Can an entire day pass without something ridiculously stupid and sucky happening? I just want one fully good day. I'd even settle for one morning...one class period...one hour? (le tragedy) (and le angst and le pout and le emo and le stfu)
5 Drama
Man, it freaks me the fuck out when people try to connect with me on my interests and find common ground and...basically notice that I exist at all. ...They are my minions. Every last one. >=D
3-21 Tuesday
Before
I am an unsleeped zombie today. Yes, K8 let another stupid boy ploy her into staying up all night talking to him on the intarweb. But it was good times.
2 Brit Lit
Today is the first day of spring. Let us all bounce in honor of that. "I could muster up more enthusiasm than you even if you were made of fireworks!" (yawn emoticon)
...Omfgz, I hate M-C-sensei. Just because I hate talking to her, and she knows that, she feels the need to periodically pick me out in front of the whole class and talk down to me like I'm retarded and don't understand the words she's saying to me.
M-C-sensei: "Katie! Can you tell us about whatever the fuck we're talking about? I know you're listening and know what's going on so there's no need to pop you a question to get you to pay attention like most of the rest of the class isn't; I just feel the need to patronize and further alienate you from your peers! Sit! Stay! Roll over! Go fetch!"
I wish I had the guts to respond with something like "Actually, M-C-sensei, I can't tell you about 'The Ideas of the Poet in Romantic Literature' [see, I knew what was going on] because I'm busy attempting to do what I consider a barely-scrimping-by job, which my ohsosuperior to me peers would see as grossly overachieving, on your ridiculously long 10-page busywork assignment. Oh yeah, and also I can't stand to listen to your fucking voice, so I tune you out because I hate you. Stfu! Go lay down! Don't shit in the house! Don't treat me like an inferior being, you nazi zealot!" Fuck her. Fuck everything. I want a nap. And maybe a juicebox.
...So now she wants us to write an apology to something? Okay. "Dear Brain: I'm sorry I put you through this shit every day. You realize how rad we could be if this stupid outside world wasn't constantly pressuring us to turn into shitheads like them? Imagine how it would be, just you and me, our own singular entity, nothing to do but just be and think about how cool we are. Not having to worry about growing up and responsibility and everything they want us to do. Just you and me, brain. Bein' awesome together. Sorry. Love, Kate."
Oh, k8, you are the master of overreacting to the slightest, most inconsequential things. And it took you a whole page minus five lines to even just begin to cool down and consider 'getting over it.' And now, to ice this cake of bitterness with a frosting of sludge, forced group interaction! This day couldn't get any better if I got run over by a truck and won like a zillion dollars in the settlement. Fuck, I hate this. I'll have to talk to someone eventually, and no doubt M-C-sensei's already mentally demoted me from living breathing conscious being to single-celled amoeba existing solely to swallow other single-celled organisms into my ever-growing existence of oblivion and eventually split myself in half and create a clone... I forgot what I was bitching about. M-C-sensei has now moved me to the very front and center of the classroom, constantly directly in her line of sight [because I'm just SUCH a bad kid, you know, always up to trouble in my dark little corner in the back]. Just injustice heaped upon injustice. This day couldn’t get any better if a bomb detonated inside my head and my bloody brain goo spattered all over the walls and M-C-sensei's immaculate blue suit. ...I kind of wish it would.
Lunch
I'm thinking I don't know if I can stand another whole class with M-C-sensei (remember how she used to hold the title of Evil Bitch from Hell sensei? that's reinstated as of today). I wish I had the metaphorical 'balls' to skip in school. But I also lack the literal 'will' to brave the cold and death and d00m of outside. So, suffer I will. At least I'll have something to complain about later.
5 Drama
Oh my god, I can't fucking take this shit anymore. I pretty much just want EBfH-sensei to fuck off and die (slowly, painfully, torturously) at this point. I just want people to stop giving me shit about everything. Leave me the hell alone. I want to go crawl into a hole and hibernate. Or disappear. Or die.
6 Government
I wish people wouldn't talk to me at all. Except for the ones I like, and then only when I want them to.
I love how G-sensei says "The moral of [this lecture] is..." and then asks us a big open-ended question. Always getting us to think, instead of just sponge. [You have to squeeze us, you know, to get us to absorb it. Terrible metaphor. Sorry.]
3-22 Wednesday
[passing period]
So, today was totally sweet. I stayed home and slept for my first three classes (was up all night talking to boy again) and now I have come to school just for Government. Because. You know. It's Government. ^-^ Hanyways, boy is too scared of mother and bus system illiterate to come to my house, so we're going to meet at a Scurvies concert on Friday. I wonder if I should invite K-chan...
6 Government
Wow, ten minutes back in this place and something has already driven me to the point of near tears. I hate everything. =( Haha, everything is all despair and tragedy today, and I have no sympathy for anyone.
After
Going to university is going to be so rad. Why? Because totally all school days should be an hour and a half long. Shah.
3-23 Thursday
Before
Blarg.
2 Brit Lit
M-C-Sensei is burning the evil hell death candle again. And it's a brand new one, six inches tall, will probably last about a year or twelve. I really don't like walking through the underclasspeoples hallways. If only everyone could be as totally with it as the seniors. Ah, I love it when things are fantastically easy. Especially when the same things stress other people out really bad. I am not a nice person.
5 Drama
I'm...uh...working on my drama project...if anyone asks. Even though there's really nothing to do, but maybe a ray of hope will shine upon me today and M-C-Sensei won't bitch me out for once. Ha, I don't even really have to write; just stare really concentrating-like at the page; she can't see it. Butttt. Of course I couldn't just have one day with no bullshit. At least someone else had to listen and take it with me. Goddamn my head hurts.
3-24 Friday
Before
Fuck. I hate "the boy" for being so compelling as to keep me awake until at least 2 every night this week. Garrr! (monsterface)
2 Brit Lit
Oh my fucking god. M-C-Sensei just bitched me out for not saying hi to her when I came into class this morning. Double you tee eff. I had my music on; I didn't even know she said anything to me when I first walked in. And what if I just hate her too much to even associate with her (apparently that hasn't gotten through to her yet)? It's my choice who I want to talk to and be nice to; I can't believe I got reprimanded for that. She needs to get the fuck over herself. Goddamn. ...And yes, I realize that to some degree I need to also. But srzly. Tell me this is not the most retarded thing you've heard all week. @_@
3 Concert Band
The same kids who said "strip poker with girls is FUN!" a while ago are today talking about how great it would be to "slap a 50 year old teacher's ass." Wow, I love humanity. (kills self)
3-28 Tuesday
Before
Fuck, this place again. Already made a spectacular ass of myself. It took 30 seconds of being here and I already want to run away and never show my face again. Life is so goddamn awesome. @_@
2 Brit Lit
Yayes, M-sensei is back, which means maybe M-C-sensei might not talk or get involved as much.
Lunch
I should have gone to the library already, but I'm hoping against all odds that K-chan will show up and take me away. School is a bitch. I guess I have senioretarditus. Causes: 7 hours a day, 5 days/week, 9 months/year, 13+ years; the USandTHEM paradox. Symptoms: Overwhelming desire to leave school before even arriving; inability to function normally with peers; refusal to tolerate even being in the presence of bitchy teachers. Treatments: Solitude; time to angst!rant in notebook without penalty on other aspects of existence; naps. Cure: Someone said there are 30 days...
Why can't I just do anything in a non stupid and lame way? Even just sneezing caused the whole hallway to go silent and stare at me. I'm so pathetic. (sadpanda) Hanyway. I think I got sick in Anchorage. I know I inhaled a ton of pollution. Beh. Nothing to say. Everything is suck. There are three different couples within my line of sight, all cuddling. One is even laying on the floor and making out. o____o (explodes) I FUCKING HATE COUPLES. ESPECIALLY THE MAKEY-OUTEY ONES! Administrative authorities don't even care. One of them just giggled and shook her head like it's funny for two obviously underage kids [come on, one is shorter than me] to get half naked and hump on the floor where we all have to watch. I fucking hate this place. And I wish everyone would die.
4 Library
Haha, I feel like such a nerd for being all prepared with my intarweb cable and list of proxies. But I got it to work. I am teh rad.
...Compy battery is deadz0r'd. Now I have nothing to do for 8 minutes. I wonder what it would be like if I fully assimilated. Would I have friends here? Right now, I wouldn't want these people for friends even if they didn't view and treat me as a socially retarded martian creature. UAI Guy [meh meh meh, yes, I know] is in 4th period government. Blarg, I don't care. He's not even cute anymore...maybe never was. K8 is so fickle. Meanwhile, EHB from last year grew his pretty emo hair back and is quite effeminate and nice to look at now. ^-^
5 Drama
I think AL is the kind of person that's always going to seek comfort in others but not realize that the true power to be happy comes from inside. Maybe that's the same with me. (shrug) At any rate, he's not going to find it with stupid hippieface HS. Mehers. It's not my business. So, K-chan's done gone fucked up her life again [from what I could gather on her LJ]. I need to fix her. v_v I have to pee but there's a whole class period left and school bathrooms are full of giant man-eating vagina parasites anyway. [I'm typing this up five months later, and I honestly don't remember writing this. o.O I was like "wtf, if this weren't in my handwriting which everyone complains about and no one can duplicate, I would not believe it."]
3-29 Wednesday
2 Brit Lit
It's pretty pathetic that even when I sit at the end of a row and put my stuff in the seat next to me, the prepulars occupying the rest of the row still feel the need to put another seat's worth barrier of cootie protection between "USandTHEM".
Lunch
How could anyone not like ska?
6 Government
My compy battery srzly sucks. It always dies when I have like...4 minutes left. Too early to pack up and leave, too late to invest myself in another activity; I exist in limbo between these two extremes, and EVERYONE IS STARING AT ME. (paranoiattack) And so I notebook.
3-30 Thursday
Before
The school smells of the sea today. And not in a good way. [Is there a good way? No, unless you're actually smelling the sea. Shut up, Kate.] I am very weary today, despite having slept something like 11 hours yesterday. I got my teeth broken and fixed by the devil...I mean, the dentist. So my face hurts.
Lunch
Omfgz. Can't walk up stairs. (= dead)
4 Library
Compy is a bastard. Because--srzly--it always dies when I have like exactly 3 minutes left and now nothing to do.
3-31 Friday
2 Brit Lit
OOOOOH! M-C-sensei just said SHIT. She tried to turn it into a shoot, but it went up at the end and was definitely a shit. La-la-la-larf. Wow, the amount of shit they give me in this class is just unbelievable. LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE, for once. @_@ Oh my god. If Angela Frigidwhatever is the graduation speaker, I will kill myself right in the middle of the ceremony, in front of everyone. Jeez. "Poets were the rockstars of their time." Pretty much the first astute thing one of THEM has ever said in this class.
Lunch
Aww, so no fair. I want sushi. Le sad. And cake. Cake is good.
4-3 Monday
2 Brit Lit
I'm sure this makes me a terrible person, but sometimes I enjoy being in groups with horribly ugly or disfigured people because it gives me an excuse to stare at their freakishness. I'm excited by freakishly ugly things like tumors and skin lesions and this girl sitting across from me who has no chin. It's just a straight from the bottom of where her nose connects all the way down her neck. Freakish. Exciting. [Face that is impossible to render in ASCII and I'm too lazy to take a picture of it. But it's a perplexed and pondering face.]
5 Drama
Elyse said I am a vagabond because I "live out of my backpack." That was amusing. It amazes me that I used to parody the Greek plays we read in 9th and 10th...'cause whenever I hear any of the "old language" like that now, I'm just like ?_?
4-7 Friday
Before
Waaaahh. Everything is pain today. (drowns in snot) I so don't want to be here right now. But then again, who really wants to be here ever? Arg. There's totally nothing to write about, but I want to save my compy battery and I don't have a book...can't let THEM see me not doing anything--they might ask why. Or even just notice that I actually exist. And that might just be enough to shock me into silence for the rest of the day. Not that I was planning on talking to any of THEM anyway. It always baffles me when I see someone I'm almost certain I've never seen at this school before. But then I figure it's just because I'm short and usually looking at my feet/the general in front of me area so I don't trip or run into people (a service all people should offer, but many don't, especially towards us shorties/smallies), and I just don't look at faces much.
4-10 Monday
Lunch
Stomach pains are the worst kind of pain ever. I feel terrible. : | [But the fact that I found nothing worse than that to complain about means it was a good day. Or I was just too far from my notebook when the shittiness was going on.]
4-11 Tuesday
2 Brit Lit
I slept the whole night yesterday. From 5 to 5. It was freaking fantastic. Annnd 7 minutes I've been here and already I've been called out and bitched at in front of everyone by M-C-sensei. Oh how I want her to just burst into flames. I don't fucking do voluntary group things, you stupid ho, how many instances like this must we endure before you get that? Ohhh, people are pissing me off so bad today. These people are so stupid they make my head hurt. >_<
3 Concert Band
Of course, since I had one fantastically nonshitty day yesterday, and I actually allowed myself to enjoy it, that means I have to have a tremendously terrible one today. Some stupid fuckface stepped on my best oboe reed. This is so stupid, I just want to crawl in a corner and die now. Fuck this. And everything. (le pout)
6 Government
Olivia Lowen has a hairy buttcrack. Oh how I wish I had my camera so I could stick a picture of it on her myspace. [I'll have to settle for slandering her on LJ, I suppose. =\] Because really. That thing should not be let out.
4-12 Wednesday
6 Government
Debates always give me such a terrible headache. (eyes asplode and pop out of skull, brain melts and leaks out of ears) Good freakin' times.
4-13 Thursday
5 Drama
WTF(mate) is wrong with people? Srzly. o_o
4-14 Friday
3 Concert Band
Skipping glass, no matter in what context, is always exhilarating. Because, oh man, this is a totally exciting library I'm being not-in-band and doing ohsofun correspondence work in. =O
4-18 Tuesday
2 Brit Lit
The guy that sits next to me eats an entire box of donuts (by himself) and at least two energy drinks in class for breakfast every day. Just thinking about it--and being forced to watch him--makes me sick...but also jealous. You think the fat fuck could spare a single donut? Of course not. Fucking chump. According to 'my generation,' "very few people don't get wasted." So, I guess I'm in a very small minority. Again, some more. Big surprise. I'm just a big loser because I actually give a shit about my health and my sanity and my well-being. Goddamn, I hate these people.
Lunch
Wow, there's nothing like a person half your size but a whole head taller than you to make you feel like absolute shit as soon as you start to have a little confidence in yourself.
4-19 Wednesday
Before
If there is one absolute truth in a "right" world, it's that I shouldn't have to choose between overwhelming B.O. stench and debilitating chemical cologne smell in where I sit. What happened to just, you know, air?
2 Brit Lit
I hate when people blow their noses. I'd rather listen to someone sniffle for an hour than hear one of those gigantic roaring snozz honks.
5 Drama
I can't stand drama anymore. So I'm not going today. ...I just needed to tell someone. I loves me library spot. And reading old but sickeningly good fanfics.
As much as I write about despising them, and they annoy the crap out of me a lot, I really do find people fascinating. I like watching them.
4-20 Thursday
3 Concert Band
Only 45 minutes into it, and it's already shaping up to be one of those 'if there really is a god, he wouldn't allow people this stupid and annoying to continue to breathe' days. I hate them that much. P.S. It's the most retarculous not-real-holiday evar today. I promise to slap anyone who even mentions it across the face. They are that pathetic. =P
After
Three weeks. Every day feels like Friday. (rattles jail cell bars)
4-21 Friday
Before
So, remember waybackintheday when I actually still noticed/cared about people, and I came up with the quote "So many preps, so few little rooms to lock them in"? Well, across the hall from me is a very little room, and the thingy by the door (I can't for all my sanity remember what it's called--plaque? but it's made of plastic) says 'Prep Room'. You can't even imagine how many silent breathy almost-type laughs I let out over that.
2 Brit Lit
More prepulars migrate to this side of the classroom every day. 'Cause us losers are so magnetic. And M-C-sensei says her candle of death is supposed to smell like biscotti. (blergh)
Computer lab time is the most pointless thing ever. And it's bad enough I have to squint at my 8-point font fanfic; I don't need M-C-sense constantly standing behind me looking over my shoulder and asking 'what are youuuu doing?' Which you probably think is an exaggeration, but that's literally what she's doing. And the regular daily giving of the shit has happened already (though I doubt it will be the last time)--"I'm not going to actually look at your writing--" (you better not, bitch, get the fuck away) "--but you really need to be looking up stuff about your project." Fuck you, M-C-sensei. I didn't even vote to come down here. I would have been just as happy squinting at and not comprehending Heart of Darkness, like we've been doing for the past two weeks. Besides, there are tons of other kids in this class who aren't competent enough to manage their own time, why do you always have to focus on me? (Because as soon as she was done bitching at me, she just went and sat at the front of the room and is now doing nothing--except, my overwhelming paranoia tells me, staring at the back of my neck trying to set it on fire with her laser vision.) I should write about the "OMFGangst! *emo* *cry* *blogs about it*" generation. Or maybe the "Intarweb made me illiterate" generation. Except that they probably wouldn't get that I'm mocking netspeak, and the kids would just be like "wtf? I can finally understand what the crazy silent one is talking about! lolz!"
Oh, deep dark secluded back corner of the room, how I missed you. Except now I'm parallel to M-C-sensei's desk. Goddamn, I can't win.
Lunch
I wish there were a way to teleport from place to place around the school...or some way to travel that didn't involve going through the halls, because I seriously can't stand to have to be surrounded by so many people and contend with their stupidity. God complex says what? =O The library closes today after 4th, so I guess--well, I already knew I wasn't going to drama--if I have to face one more steaming pile of verbal poo all over my head from M-C-sensei, I really will go mad and just start screaming and breaking things, including people. So, since I can't stay here--I could try, I suppose, by hiding in a corner...but then I'd have to find a corner; a corner is not MY SPOT; and when they find me, they'd actually be mad instead of the usual 'wtf, you're a loser, get out of here' that I got when I was actually allowed/supposed to be here. What it all comes down to is I'm walking somewhere. I shall have to ponder as to where. Home? CCH? Or the big tv at the university? I bet could even find intarweb for lappy there, hey. I just hope the spot isn't too magically amazing that it becomes overly tempting...I do have to go to classes occasionally if I want to do that whole 'let's graduate and not get thrown out on the street' thing. And all of this hinges on me even finding a spot...because I need a spot. This writing makes me wonder if I'm actually mentally ill--being so people-phobic and set in certain ways--or if I'm just so fucking smart that I exist on an entirely different plan than all these people. How do you figure that out, anyway?
Whenever I finish a really good book, I wish I could make it into a movie. Then maybe I wouldn't hate movies so much if instead of the formulaic bullshit corporate America forces on us, I had something good to watch. My tummy hurts.
5 Drama (ish)
Holy crap man, exercise is hard. It took me fifteen minutes to get to the highest point of the Wood Center, and now I'm all like (flush. wheeze. pant. nausea. sweat. eww) I find it funny how even in college, some people are still fighting the 'war for individuality'. Yes, that means you, o thou of the bright yellow plaid skirt and the ripped up black stockings. I guess it just takes some people longer to realize that it's just easier if you stop fighting physically (because we all assimilate eventually) but just keep fighting mentally. Though I don't see how it's possible to ever give up the mental battle. Unless they get brainwashed. Or snakecharm'd.
I wish I'd brought my camera today, there are so many cool pictures I want to get right now. Oh my. There's a Magic the Gathering game going on below me. I was scoping out the area for 'omghotties!' (there were a few, sadly) and I didn't even notice the demon cards. But. Sorry. That's a realm of uncool that even I won't lower myself to go near. This is the best place for people-watching ever. College people are so interesting (and much more attractive =p). Even if they are just ex-highschool kids aged a few years. Grarr! Someone tried to come up here and usurp THE SPOT! (Yes, I have one, of course I do.)
Haha, what are the odds that A.L. would show up here too? I told him I wasn't going to drama, but who'd have thought he would follow me all this way, even unknowingly? Crazy, crazy world. There's a banner that says 'Bowl for Ecuality.' So it's true, the mean really doesn't get any smarter when it gets to college.
Jeesh, why do people freak me out so bad? A guy with a pink frisbee (who I'd been watching and dubbed 'everything wrong/I want nothing to do with in college') comes up, says "It's an interesting spot up here, huh?" (nod) "I'm not disturbing you, am I? I'm just looking for someone." And I'm all like (nod. blush. freak out. immobilized with fear until he leaves) Not like, fear for my safety. More, fear of interacting because I know he'll think I'm a loser. Why can't I talk to people? I'm broken.
At least I had my shirt pulled over my buttcrack cleavage. I think. I hope. =| It's too bad I don't already have my KSUA application filled out. Then I could (convince myself I actually) have a purpose for coming up here. I keep seeing people who...almost look like someone I know. It's creepy.
Jeesh, I try to smile at strangers, and they're just like *stony glare of death!* Although I suppose I look like that a lot of the time. It’s a vicious cycle of unsmilingness. But you know, it just takes one smile to start over... I desperately want to make friends here. Since I've given up on the people in high school. Mehers. My eyes hurt. This whole structure shakes when people walk on the stairs that lead up to it. I feel so secure right now. Oh oh oh! Green mohawk! (heartgasm) Ah, I see now where all the cool lappy peoples are. So I know where to go next time (I felt it'd be too awkward and showoffy to take it out up here).
Wow, how does college manage to herd so many attractive specimens into one room? Even some of the girls, though I'm far over my lesbi-chick phase, are just like...oooh. And anyone with a ska hat gets an automatic double points bonus. ^-^ My tailbone is numb. Aw, this place is a laughriot for the practiced people-watcher. Yes, just trot along your merry way, Abercrombie boy with Value Village bag.
After
Dammit, left too early. Didn't take into account that the walk back is downhill and taken in much higher spirits than the walk up. And dammit, why can't I lie to anyone? Not even the bus driver when he asked if I was skipping. I even cooked up a great story on the walk back, and as soon as he asks, I'm just like (shifty eyes. blush. gives it away) "...Maybe." You fail, k8.
4-24 Monday
2 Brit Lit
Man, I am so close. That thought just knocks me flat every time I remember.
3 Concert Band
Angela Frigidwhatever is so fakely tanned that she looks like she's made of clay. Although really I wouldn't mind her half as much if she didn't speak. And her waist wasn't as big as my thigh. Srzly. I had more boobs in 4th grade than she does now, the goddamn anorexic twig.
Lunch
I refuse to date anyone who's both younger and taller than me. Unless their name is Sean...but Kara got to him first. Sure, they went to the prom as "just friends" ...but wasn't Kara "just friends" with the last 2 or 3 guys she kind of accidentally fell into bed with? (And then later came whining to me about, like I even had the slightest bit to do with it, or could have stopped her sluttiness if I'd even known it was going to happen.) She's going to ruin him.
I wish I could tell if a certain book is there without having to get up and look for it. 'Cause then what if it's not, I'll just have to be like 'well, shit' and everybody [because, yes, EVERYBODY will be staring at me] will think 'what a loser, doesn't she know how to use a library?' Either that or if the whole place was empty. It feels fuller than usual, maybe because it actually is, or maybe because I don't have my intarweb post (which creates a little pocket/corner of darkness) to hide behind, because I sat in a different place to convince myself to look for that book. It isn't working.
4-25 Tuesday
4 Library
=| I forgot Angela Frigidwhatever was dating L M of my former likingness. Until I saw her (actually, I heard her first--but don't you always hear the bitch first? considering she could stand behind a piece of paper and you wouldn't be able to find her, she is so skinny, and even her whispers screech and whine all the way across the room) sitting on his lap practically having sex with him in the library, the goddamn slutty ho-bag. (vomits all over study cubby)
6 Government
I hate that people are so stupid, but I hate even more that I don't do anything about it. I just sat there and made o_o faces because I couldn't believe what this chick was saying, and in the meantime she brainwashed 5 other people around me with her lies [that HIV can be transmitted through saliva]. And I just made a spectacular ass of myself. G-sensei called on me but I was all concentrated on writing that, so when she asked the question I was just like =|. And the blushing and the stuttering and the trying to hide behind an invisible shield of air. Sigh. Now, in addition to my Brit Lit class, my entire Government class thinks I'm a retarded loser who doesn't know how to talk and doesn't know the answers to anything (I so do, if this had been given to me on paper I would have pwn'd its ass) and turns so red it's like my dumb head is on fire.
After
Scary/crazy...I almost kind of didn’t like G-sensei for a minute. Then she righted the untruths perpetrated by Miss Stupid With The Big Mouth. So now I love her again, like always. But the whole thing's put me in an angry/downer mood. Also, am I the only senior who wouldn't mind if school just perpetuated itself into infinity? I'm terrified of what comes after. Today I meet with college lady to set up schedule. And the thing that terrifies me most about it, oddly, is that I don't know where she is/where to look for her. I'm not scared of talking to her or setting up classes that are going to screw my poor brain over or embarking on my future and all. Mostly (entirely) of just wandering around UAF whimpering 'I don't know where the friendly pretty lady with the crazy unpronounceable last name his. Help me find her? Except..." I wouldn't ask for help. And I wouldn't allow myself to look distressed or lost, so I'd just end up looking angry (like always) and people will roll their eyes and think 'how pathetic' because I am as see-through as that curtain of air that didn't protect me from the scrutiny of my unforgiving peers earlier. Le angst. And after that is off to Sam Goody to get the new TBS CD (if mother is in a good mood; if not, then walking...or crawling...or using my teeth to bite the sidewalk and drag myself along, I want it that bad) ...Which also means inquiring about employment opportunities, and talking to the adorable maybe gay guy who likes SavesTheDay (unless he's not there, in which case I will cry and go home and kill myself, or more likely lie and tell mother they're not hiring--which they may very well not be =|) and being Assertive as my horrorscope said I was to be today. I'm not. I'm a fraud.
4-26 Wednesday
Before
K8 is in college (17!! credits =|!) K8 has Sam Goody application. (No cute boy talking to, only angry inattentive old woman.) [But still LOTS of blushing, because K8 is entirely socially inept.] K8 has new TBS album. (Laz is still sex. =P) K8 is still breathing. (Though she hates climbing stairs.) And always something to complain about. K8's butt hurts. {P.S. I can already tell: Today is such a skip drama and walk home day.}
2 Brit Lit
Wow, the sickeningly fat fuck only has a soda (diet...Pepsi...what a laugh) and a bag of sprinkled frosted animal crackers. But of course he still won't share with anyone, not even his friends.
Lunch
The school newspaper is made of cheese. Oh yes, I kid ye not.
4 (though I did not know it) Library
...Or maybe today is more of a skip drama and hide in the library all day. Hide by way of staying in the same spot [my poor butt is hating me for it] for three and a half hours looking inconspicuous and studious, and hoping on one notices me. Although I've been coming here for a long time, and no one has ever questioned me/said anything (except once or twice to tell me to move because a class needed the table I was at), even when I was supposed to be here, so I don't know why it gets me so paranoid. {Hint: the Kate will never not be paranoid. About everything. Yay double negatives and fragments!} And how creepyful, I didn't even notice that 4th period had started...almost 20 minutes ago. (Furrealz.)
5 Drama
H'kay, so I wasn't counting on the library being COMPLETELY EMPTY for 5th. (paranoia kicks in again times twelve)
After
I enjoy finding the occasional rare person who's just like me in some way or other. So maybe I'm not people-phobic, but instead just terribly bigoted and racist! =P Lawlz.
4-27 Thursday
3 Concert Band
So, uh, I'm pretty much the raddest thing evar. And I pwn all around me with my mad skillz. All your grammar are belong to me! And I need to shut up now. There are a lot of out-of-place people in band today, and L-sensei hasn't said anything or written a schedule on the board, so it's just like ?_? ...I have no idea what to do, and thus I notebook with no purpose! w00t and yay for wasting time and driving myself insane with angst. Of course, always with an eye for preserving my 'too cool for every goddamn thing on the planet' image. Garrr! I hate actually-talented people who are all fantastically great at stuff while I'm just like...I'll play quieter so no one will hear how out of tune I am.
Lunch
Every word Angela Frigidwhatever says is another rusty tack being driven straight into my eardrum. =|
4 Library
What the fucking fuckety fuckly fuck is wrong with people? We've established that I'm not invisible, because they have to be able to see me to give me those 'you are so fucking pathetic' looks (unless they're particularly adverse to the tiles or the color of paint on the walls behind me) but yet they can't take enough notice to not, every single goddamned one of them, cut in front of me and trip me and smack into me when I'm minding my own business and just trying to get to the library so I can escape and not have to be around their retarculousness.
4-28 Friday
6 Government
"Is there anything more fun than analyzing court cases on a Friday afternoon?" No, G-sensei, there's nothing quite like it.
After
Holy crap. Last year we had a John Nolan at school, and this year we have a Ricky Martin. Roflcopter.
Too long for one post! D: *suspense*