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5-1 Monday
Before
So, the next 2 weeks are going to suck. Why? Because the person closest to me told me yesterday that no one likes me. And it wasn't even during an argument, so it's not like she was using it as an insult. She was just stating a simple truth. And I've never felt so alone.
2 Brit Lit
Oh, M-C-sensei, how I loathe thee. Fucking forced group interaction again. I could do so much better on my own, but noooo, she just had to wait until everyone and their partner picked a topic, and then pair me with the only other person in the class unliked enough to need the teacher to help them find a partner. Although I do admire that person for approaching me and asking. Even if it was semi-forced (on his part; entirely on mine). But does M-C-sensei have any idea how depressing it is to always be the leftover one that nobody wants to be with, and someone just ends up stuck with? Each time this happens, it gouges a little more out of my self-esteem. I am not in a good place (mentally) right now. =\ And M-C-sensei isn't helping a big stupid ho-bag. And now I'm once again counting down the minutes until I can escape and be alone in the library. Alone again, always...
I'm going to keep a tally of how many kids use stupid rap songs for their generation projects that have no substance and nothing to do with anything (except bling and hoes).
Lunch
Sooo, fucking awesome, the library is closed. I have nowhere to go. I guess I could walk to the University, but I'm already up here and all. And besides. Effort. Fuck effort. I’ll just sit here and look pathetic and wish I was dead for two hours. Or angst and self-pity rant for 2 hours. Or. Fuck. I can't stay here. Go home? I'll be stabulated. Wish I had friends to take me somewhere. Or even just convince me that being here is okay, before I asplode with anxiety. If I walk to UAF, I won't want to come back for 5th. I'm terminally doomed, and all I want is for someone to sit next to me and tell me I'm okay. That's all. But nobody likes me. I'm a leper. A social leper. Don't get too close, you might catch what this one has.
4 University
So, fuck exercise. Exercise is fucking hard. And fuck all the people who just gave me 'you are not cool enough to be here' looks. Fuck you all in the butt. I am so cool enough to be here. (The Kate is soooo paranoid.)
...Hokay, so now that I can breathe again, I shall observe, and continue repeating 'college is going to be so cool' to myself (which is better than my continuous mantra of 'nobody likes me' for the past half hour). James Audie will die by power of laser vision. Or burst into flames. Or at least...stop...and notice/recognize me? (I'm a scene kid toooo, remember?) ...I guess not. I hope I don't smell bad. >_< Power walking up a hill for 10 minutes gets a person kinda sweaty. Blergh. I could really go for a nap right now. Except the scary college kids would rape me and steal my stuff. o_o And 1. I'm too paranoid self-preserving to ever let myself fall asleep alone in a public place, and 2. say I did; I'm not sure I'd wake up on time to go to 5th (or at least catch the bus home, because honestly, fuck 5th). G-sensei has brainwashed me. The Big College TV is on CNN, and I was watching, kind of zonin', and I found myself, without cattle-prodding, thinking of which Constitutional Principles I could use to attack or defend the issues presented in the headlines. This place is too hot and too cold. And now some douche sat right in front of me; so so much for watching the Big College TV. And lastly, all of the pretty college people seem to be hiding today. But still, better squishy chair in lair of darkness here than floor of bright open hallway there. Better the disconnected apathy of these people who don't know me than the 'omfg look what a loser' hostility of my 'peers' at school. J.A. is very flame-resistant. And I just want to clarify to Kara, if she ever reads this, that I don't hate that she loves sex, I hate that she loves sex with anyone present and willing. Even people she/we'd previously made fun of or held grudges against. People are so selfish.
...I have no attention span for anything. I really would like a nap...
Ah, that was pleasant. Not very nappy, but restful. No sleeping. Just laying. Watching. Anyway. The most perfectly suited to my interests person in the world is sitting about 6 feet away from me... I'm watching him on his compy (he doesn't know...I hope, anyway, I hate being obvious) and... Msn, Myspace, Maddox...holy crap, we must be soulmates. Or at least we could have deep, lengthy conversations on the intarweb. (Note double meaning of on, there.) [And remember, this is where I found Jeremy... ^-^] Hanyway. I shall peruse Myspace for this specimen later. For now...watch. Oh yeah, and who knew the intarweb came from the floor? I was wondering, 'cause this is obviously unofficial Lappy Lounge, and then Perfect Person came and plugged right into the ground. Awws. Chris Meurlott (fuckhislastname!) is a Nice Guy. Came over and said hi to my sad lonely butt. Prompted Perfect Person to take (and leave) off his headphones, so maybe I'm not the only one who's curious. Annnd if I was going to class, I should have left about 10 minutes ago. Oops. I have to le pee, and now it is another 2 hours until I will be home. (I would not have gone in a school/public bathroom, so that is a null point.) Some people are just profoundly ugly. And there's nothing they can do about it. I'm glad I'm not one of them. And then some people are just unforgivably dorky. Yes, you, Mr. Cowboy Hat+Boots. You are not a scene boygirlitthing, and so you have no excuse to wear pants that tight unless you want to start wearing eyeliner and kissing boys. Also, MTV really is just too pathetic for words. "The first round will consist of nothing but 'Yo Mamma' jokes!" Oh-ho! (haughty laugh) P.P. just came back, stood there for a second, went around right behind me for a moment (I assume he was looking at what I was doing), nodded, and then walked back out. I am intriguing. Although I can't shake the suspicion that P.P. is Liam from middle school G.T. And that would be capital A Awkward. Just like seeing Chris Webb after 2 years just was. =| And of course not saying anything, because social contact paralyzes me with fear. But. Meh. He's kind of attractive now. Too gothy though. And I bet he's running one of those totally waste-of-space lives. Seeing J.A. makes me instinctively clench my fists in hatred now. Fantastic.
After
The bugs are back. @_@ And it's pathetic that the bus driver can make me feel like such a loser just by saying 'doing that again, eh?'
So, as crazy as it might sound from Anti-Exercise-K8, I think I may start walking up to the Big College T.V. for every 4th for the rest of the year. In hopes of seeing P.P. ...'cause I'm pathetic. But there are only 3 or 4 left anyway. So whatev.
5-2 Tuesday
2 Brit Lit
School hasn't even started yet and already two teachers have bitched me out, condescended to me, and done the whole let's embarrass her in front of her peers as much as possible, because really she's not socially alienated and rejected and despised by them enough. Fuck you, D-sensei and M-C-sensei. It's fantastic how whenever I have the tiniest bit of hope for a good, or mediocre, or at least not shrouded in shittiness day, they just stomp all over it and rip it up and spit on it. Life is rad.
Annnd the first generation is "pimp my ride." And as his thesis points, he has i. uniqueness and ii. fitting in. Contradiction what? Thaddeus keeps staaaaring at me. It's so fucking yucky and creepy. I wish someone would pour acid on him so he would melt into a puddle on his chair and I wouldn't have to worry about being all lechered with his undressing eyes. o_o
Dear preppy girl who has "the personalizing generation" (grammatically incorrect), the fact that you don't know and can't even pronounce the words in your report totally doesn't make it obvious that you didn't write it and probably pilfered it from the intarweb. She said that "if you don't have a cell phone, you're nobody." And nobody likes me. So hey, all non-cell-phone people, let's start a we like k8 club. She also said that if you don't wear the most expensive clothes, people will look down on you and think you're "dirty." That floors me [with laughter and shock]. I mean, I know that's the stereotype of how preppy people are, but I can't believe she actually feels that way. Come on. Aren't we more mature than that? Her voice is fucking terrible. She sounds like she's about to cry. And...she's sounded like that for the entire 10 minutes she's been talking. Her movie is about a "goth" girl who's rejected from society. Predictable what? Oh-ho! To her, "normal" is jeans and a sweatshirt. Which is totally what I'm wearing. Good choice with the Ataris, K8.
...I took it off. I don't want to fit her definition of "normal." Yay for Thursday shirt. New album today. I'm excited. Also dropping off Sam Goody application. I hope Cute Guy is there to take it. He likes me, to some degree--he talked to me about Savestheday!--more than the angry menopausal lady who rang me up last time.
Ugh. If I have to listen to Darius's droning voice for 10 minutes I am going to go insane and stab my brain to death with my pencil through my ear. At least he's talking about terrorism, economy, and politics--something worldly, instead of just being self-obsessed with cars and clothes like the last two. Whee. Stretching my eyelids out and making funny faces is more fun than listening to this. He's trying too hard to say controversial things, but he just can't inflect them right [read: at all]. Monotone what? I wish I was outspoken enough to ask questions. I'd verbally pummel my beloved "peers" into the ground. Get back all those points M-C-sensei has robbed me of throughout the year.
Oh joy, it's massive irreparable overbite girl. She sounds so scared. I've lost interest in making snarky comments. This may be why people don't like me. Not that I give a shit about those types; I'm so much smarter than them, they barely register on my radar. "This is the least apathetic generation like ever, if if if they see something wrong they're going to take a sssstand against it--no, wait...yeah, it." Even ignoring the stuttering, that's one of the most crap statements I've ever heard. We are so fucking apathetic. Go back to painting your nails with Abercrombie girl, your point is void and meaningless. How apathetic are we? I don't even care enough to listen to the rest of it, that’s how apathetic. The only thing I enjoyed about this presentation was the chance to unabashedly stare at how fucked up her face is. ["Excited by ugliness and looking for the perfect specimen."] Disfiguration what?
I am teh best. Hmm, I already managed to use up another stack of paper. And of course none will ever be taken from the notebook. Oh wells, I guess that just means no work getting done. Aww. People are so dumb. Oh my god. Can't resist selfstabbing urges. >_<
Hanyways. I think my suspension generation idea is too deep for these n00bs to comprehend. (Or maybe I just don't want to put that much thought/effort into it after seeing how low the bar of achievement is.) So maybe I'll go with the "Intarweb has made me illiterate." I can use intarweb h8s j00 art (which means not only saying "I found this random totally fantastic webcomic, no idea who it's by, but it's totally great, isn't it awesome, everyone?" but also a whole tangent about LJ, w00t) and I can use that Motion City Soundtrack song I was set on but hitherto had no way to tie in...sweet. And my "peers" might actually understand some of it, rather than me waxing philosophical about how they've made me a self-hating (but still ohsoso egotistical) outcast loser--
Oh, I love myself. =D
5-3 Wednesday
Before
Omfg. Nothing to bitch about yet! Maybe today will be a good--nevermind.
Lunch
Oooh! Something to complain about: Exercise = le suck. I'm pretty much gonna have to say that every time I come up here, 'cause I'm so not made for powerwalking up hills. Garr! If I had a completely bald head, I would wax and polish it every day. I might even go to the bowling alley and use their ball cleaner machine, just to make a spectacle of myself. And I would let little kids draw pictures on it in Sharpie.
Hm, so, lots of Waste Vallians come up here for lunch. How annoying, and lame for me to have just discovered the awesome they've known of for a while. Awws, I wish I had my camera again. I was going to bring it, but I already had too much crap in my bag and the more I carry is the more difficult the exercise. And K8 h8s exercise more than anything except giant beetles and being made to feel pathetic. There's a lot I could/should do, but nothing I want to. Book, compy, outline, generation. Meh to it all! This place is sooo interesting. If I didn’t have important classes to go to (Government) I could sit here and watch people all day.
I hope it doesn't become mundane to me once I start going here, like the excitement of high school did once I perceived the true suck within. I imagine likening this place to underthestairs, which seemed so rad during the tour when no one was in it, but once school started and it became populated...well, let's not needlessly dredge up unpleasant memories (the smells! the stickiness! The scarygothstuffinside kids making out! >_<). It's pretty much the worst place in the world to be. And I don't want this to become like that when I'm a Big Cool University Student.
Hey, so, 10 days left of forever. ...Nothing to say on that. Third time here and I'm already starting to recognize some repeat customers. Chubby albino guy. Rides unicycle around campus guy. Omfgwhatahippie guy. Dammit, I hate when people bring food down here. 'Cause first I'm like Garr, that smells icky. And then I'm like (lusteyes) I'm so hungry...
I'm surprised that just laying here doing nothing doesn't bother me more. It would freak me the fuck out to not constantly at least look like I'm doing something at school. Even in my library spot. (Which I guess I'll never see again, le tear.) I wonder why that is. I fear/despise people approaching me and bothering me and trying to get me to talk to them there, but I've come to the conclusion that most likely no one's going to do that here, and if they did, I would welcome it, so I'm okay here. =\ Wedgie. Errgh.
Man, people will say anything to try and get you to buy something. (downgrade) How come everyone at college is cute? It's not fair. And I don't want my stupid ugly class to come up here next fall and ruin it. But I'm sure all their ridiculously loaded parents are spoiling them to death by paying for school wherever they want to go, so hopefully they'll go away. Although I know a fair number are coming up here for their first year at least, I just forget if it's the ones I hate, or the ones I tolerate. And there goes K8's ego again; somebody better beat it with a stick before it gets too big and starts breaking down the walls again. At least I can acknowledge that I am egotistical. Most of them probably don't even know what egotistical means.
And I missed seeing so many people in the time it took to write that. Including an entire class of extra-midget ones. Thanks for sitting right in front of me, King of the Douchebags, maybe I wanted to watch about ancient Chinese Emperors. Or at least have something to look away really fast and concentrate on, if someone catches me staring at them a little too long. Bleh.
I wonder if Angela Frigidwhatever gets a winter farmer's tan on that strip of skin that is always, always showing between her too-small shirts and too-small jeans. (Too small! The freak manages to find clothes that fit her too tight even though she seems too tiny and skinny--remember she's taller than me--to even be alive. She must still shop in the little kids section...which I grew out of when I was like 12. Because it sickens me that clothing companies would design and make pants that little expecting healthy teenagers to fit into them.) (Oh yes, I am sofuckingjealous, I admit it. Not jealous to be like her, but jealous that she can be (and because she is) like that and is so admired because of it. Sick. Pathetic. I need to shut up.)>/random<
So, it seems that to fit in at Collegeland, a girl must be either one of those totally yuck preppy types and be part of some frat/jock guy's harem, or be one of those toofargone to ever really be satisfied with life politically active hippies, and wear 'save the rainforest' buttons ($1.50 at Hot Topic) all over your hemp jacket and your khaki skirt (which you're wearing over your jeans =|). Either that or just be one of those nondescript dumpy ones that no one takes notice of. If I stay as I am (a music/scene person) I'll probably get lumped in with the goths who wear too much makeup and all lack. Because god forbid we just let anyone be an original. Didn't I write once that when we got to college we should be mature enough to put the idea of cliques behind us? Yeah, well, that's total crap. As long as we have "identities" and are too afraid to associate with anyone else and only seek approval from people just like us, there will always be cliques. (How depressing.) Except me; I don't have a clique, because--remember?--nobody likes me.
So, P.P. didn't come today. Which is sad because the main purpose of my trip up here, besides having nowhere else to go, was to see that person. Not to write two and a half pages of pointless rambly whiny snarky notebook comments about people I claim not to like but secretly just want to be. Lame, lame, lame. And sad, and depressing, and bleh and blarg and I have to pee. Ohnoes, cooties! Le tragedy, and I have 5 minutes to kill before I go back to school. I'm all nervous suddenly, it's stupid. Life is so mundane, I want a bomb to fall nearby. Asplode.
6 Government
So, when I set out, I was planning on writing "The walk back is my favorite part." But I have now reconcluded that K8-types are not made for any type of exercise. So, I'm pretty screwed for my government final. I sacrificed my right to choose who I wanted to work with in order to jump in with a group of people just so I would get the topic I wanted (judicial review). Well, actually, they were the only people I felt bold enough to approach about joining them, and probably the only ones who would voluntarily work with me, So I'm stuck with some notsosmart ones, and I'm going to end up doing a lot of the hard thinking and (mediocre) work, and our presentation is still going to be pretty meh. I find it amusing, though, that they have so much faith in me. I haven't done a goddamned thing except sit here and smirk whenever they make (what sound like to them) ohsoprofound points, but they keep saying 'don't worry about Kate, she gets it, she'll do it, she knows what's going on.' ...What if I don't? (Know, or do it?) But then again, I always do come through for things where I'm going to have to present in front of everybody--well, on the writing, anyway; then someone like LykeomglykegasplykeBethlyke gets all up in my face and I'm like =| (silentmode). But I figure I'll write and perform most of the speech (as is my delegated duty) and let the two of them field most of the questionandanswers (which is an unspoken understanding...with myself...that I have yet to share with them). Omfg. Doom. Maybe I will just commandeer this whole project. It's hopeless otherwise. Except I am sooo lazy. And there's still a half hour left. And A.s.s. just laughed at me because I was making fun of something dumb AL said by going 'oooh, stereotypes, my favorite!' and dancing a pirate jig. Why couldn't I have been in his group, he's fucking smart and has like 104% grade and enjoys thinking about government and politics. I keep having to fillintheblank for AL. "Representative government?" "Political parties?" "Capital Building?" Maybe we could work out some sort of comedy routine delivery for our speech; that way it'd at least be memorable, if not actually good.
Copier paper tastes yummy.
5-4 Thursday
Before
So how cool am I for not only putting off my Generation project until the last day, but also in a half asleep state last night deciding that both of my previous ideas are crap, and I should do something totally different? ...I am going to die of doom today. Omfg.
2 Brit Lit
Rawr. So I'm not the only one who hasn't even started yet. Rad. First one we hear today is from "Chan the man." And yes, that's the name he put on his outline. I wonder if he has any idea that -chan is the suffix you put on the end of a little girl's name in Japanese. G-sensei is the graduation speaker. Sweet. ^-^ This may be one of the few presentations I actually enjoy. At least this one is smart enough to have a somewhat original and profound topic, instead of just picking a word, defining it in their paper, then rambling on about cell phones and "spinners". Whatever. Propaganda! Subliminal messages! My favorite. And he didn't pick a shitty rap song. Just a stupid 'modern rock radio' song. Ad he hates movies. Aw. Such a connection being made here. "A unartistic blob of disgusting mediocrity." And his literature is from "my favorite book, the Bible." (eyeroll) Just lost me there, claims-to-be-against-propaganda boy. Hypocrite what? I never understood why people draw sunglasses on suns. That's like me wearing K8-blocking glasses. And I like looking at myself. It's interesting to watch people's body language. Chan-chan exhibited a relaxed demeanor throughout his presentation, then as soon as the question period started, he put his arms up behind his head, which would look relaxed if he was laying down, but since he was standing in front of us, it made him look defensive, like he was trying to block our comments in case they went against his presentation, and he was trying to make himself look bigger and more imposing so we would be too intimidated to say anything derisive against him.
Anyway. The next one is about school bullying. A little predictable, a little mundane, overall not much to comment on. Kind of interesting to listen to, because of course I can relate, and I like that a preppy douche like him has actually taken notice of us socially challenged. Ugh. Can't listen to the boring any longer... Mundane what? Ah, this one has a brain on it. How refreshing. I almost clapped, but then I scratched my arm instead. Meh.
But I don't have very high hopes for the next one, by the guy who fucked me over on the very first assignment ever in this class, so I've held a grudge against him ever since. "A vacation to Cancun every year is the norm." Wow, you're off to a great start. These preppy douches are so far up their own asses that they don't even seem to realize that not everybody has rich parents that will get them anything if they whine in just the right tone of voice. "Everybody goes to dances, and if you're not 'getting busy' then the night was a total waste." Is this kid wearing blinders? How can he be so naive? He's only listing the lifestyle of one group of people; the rest of us have morals. Perhaps he is wearing K8-blocking glasses. Haha! He called himself a sheep. His whole song is about being a sheep, only he's proud of the debauchery the lyrics detail; I don't think he gets that the song is making fun of the stupid crap his type participates in. His movie is all about "crazy European sex." Every single point he's made has to do with sex. Single-minded presumptuous asshole what? I almost clapped instinctively (sheep mentality pwning my brain! ohnoes!) but then I cracked my knuckles instead.
The next one is presented in Comic font, the most despised ever. Oooh, now we're the "gotta have it generation...and we usually get it." Another rich bitch who never had to make six slightly varying ice cream cones for sticky screaming kids while being deathglared to pieces by their parents like I deserved that kind of treatment for minimum wage. "Teens with cell phones tend to associate with other teens with cell phones, and ignore those without." Probably the only realistic/true statement in her whole presentation. And she obviously just googled for a song on her theme, as she knows nothing about the artist--she's talking as if Pink Floyd is the name of the guy singing, not the band. Spoiled rich brat what? Now she's off tangenting about what we would be like if we didn't have money. "If we didn't have money, we wouldn't be the gotta have it generation!" Ohemgee! So profound! I'm floored by the thought you put into that! Though I wouldn't mind bartering with pebbles and pinecones, if it would get rid of narrow-minded mentalities like hers. I didn't even make a move like I was going to clap. I picked my dead dried up cuticles instead. "We'll max out our credit cards to get anything we want!" Kill me please.
Lunch
Grarr! Someone is in my spot! >_< But a very traditionally hot (read: preppy) guy smiled at me while I was invisibly teleporting (read: plodding, trudging, wobbling, pouting, angsting) to the furthermost inthecorneraway from everybody spot in the whole room. I smiled back...or I think I did, anyway. I moved my lips., but I never know if its far enough to be what someone else would consider a smile, because by the time I've gone far enough that I can tell there's a change, it feels too obvious for my sososubtle self. But I tried, anyway. Maybe he could read that through the desperation on my face.
So, I'm pretty much starting over idealess (read: screwed) on my generation project. Which means really that I'll angst over it for a bit (meanwhile wasting valuable work time on activities such as this; remember that my doom, however it pans out, will be over in 24 hours) and then go back to one of my original ideas, except do it less than half as great as I'd originally envisioned it in my mind.
I'm always the only non-penisbearing thing in here. (Yes, I'm pretty sure the naive hippy woman who just walked in has a penis hidden somewhere in the rolls of fat peeking out from under her green ducky shirt.) Maybe this place is unofficially Creepy Rape Corner, in addition to being Lappy Lounge with Intarweb in the Floor. Seems like it could be. Oh, K8, you are not a nice person.
It seems odd that I could be in an upright position, but my knees are higher than my head, and yet I'm comfortable. Such is the magic if these Big Awesome College Chairs. And yes, everything is cooler just for existing at college.
I think Preppy Crutches Cutie fell asleep. He hasn't moved for a while. Maybe I should go over and poke around for signs of deadness. 'Cause I do like dead things. And any excuse to come into contact with pretty things. And...ha, I only wish I was that brave. ...It doesn't mean I can't be Creepy Corner Eyeraping Girl and sit here and watch him. Which is why I just chose to stare out the window for a few minutes. =| I'm such a 'socially challenged moron' that I can't even look at attractive people, much less approach them or talk to them.
Ben Gibbard just walked past! He works at McDonalds, and YES! he goes to shows. In a Midtown shirt, no less. ^-^ Awws, P.C.C. is leaving. Called someone on his fucking cell phone. What a sell out. At least he didn't say "watzzzzuuup!" I would have had to stick my pencil in my eye if he did. Nothing interesting to watch now. The same two guys with shiny bowling ball heads are back. I still want to draw faces on them. Now we shall take up another repeated mantra: "K8 should go to drama class. (Ya, rly.)" Oh, KSUA!Nick, with the Streetlight Manifesto hoodie, how I adore thee.
Today the Big College TV features a History Channel special on medieval torture devices. =P Which I would find morbidly fascinating if I were in such a context as to actually be able to hear/concentrate on it. One guy keeps trying to walk away but ends up being drawn back by the grotesqueness. He's wearing the same slightly malicious 'omfg' smirk as me.
Omfg. The Audio Karate Generation (first idea to get caps yet, must be special). "Not a label definition for an entire generation, but the view of one person in that generation." Or some bullshitty crap like that. (K8 really should go to drama class. >.<) Oh yes. It will be all about how people are perceived due to the music they listen to, with an underlying hint that everything they listen to is utter suck. I will not define them. I will teach them. Open them up to a part of their generation they never knew existed. (12.40, I guess I'm not going to drama...) Oh yes, and I shall pwn all! Nyahahaha! And for my song...I shall MAKE a song! (maniacal glint in eye) A "mashup" of all that is suck, with my awesome taste prevailing as the underdog protagonist. Andandand. I can still use the 'heart of stupidity is bred in intarweb forums' or some such (...eventually simplified) to 'fighting on the intarweb is like being in the special olympics: even if you win, you're still retarded.' For art I shall use scene photography, (which is what I originally wanted to use for 'suspension'; glad I could incorporate it again in a different way) which I shall pilfer from the likes of Mallory and Caitling and that other stupid camera ho whose name I forgot.
Grr. I don’t like when other people sit by me. I was the only one here for a bit, and now it's all full of lamers again. Sooo. I'm not going to drama. (= disappointed in self) But it's so much better here. Can't wait until next fall when I'll actually belong. ...If I even pass high school. But. Fuck. I have like...7 days left. No use getting pessimistic about it now; what happens happens. It's done. For doom or not, only time will tell. Drama starts in 2 minutes. (angsts self to death) I'm letting my partner down... =(
So, it's extremely uncool to not have wireless intarweb in Lappy Lounge/Rape Corner/Food Smugglery. The guy next to me is eating a green burrito (green!) and sniffling a lot. Ewwy. Oh jeez. I was staring out the window and didn't even realize it was rather ghostishly casting my reflection back at me (even I look through myself like I'm invisible, how sad is that?) annnd...now I can't look out there anymore. Unless the sun goes away. And the room is too full to look anywhere else without catching someone's eye and creating Controversy of the kind that is what makes K8 so socially retarded.
5-5 Friday
Before
Incredible. Five minutes before school even starts and already M-C-sensei's gotten in a dig at me. =\ I'm too tired to care. I'm shaking and can't focus, that's how tired I am. And I still have to present the piece of crap I stayed up all night creating; that's the worst part. If I could just turn it in and then quietly slump off to my corner and disintegrate into a pile of ashes, that'd be rad.
2 Brit Lit
Hibernation is pretty much my favorite word right now. I can't believe I'm nervous. I never get nervous for presentations, especially because I hate these people and don't care what they think of me. I think I'm nervous because I'm not entirely sure what I wrote in my semi-catatonic state earlier. I know it's lots of random rambly content, rich in hippie wishy-washiness, and barely if at all addressing the guidelines specified. Garr! Must snark...but...can't...muster...the will... Awws, she looked right at me when she said "the incredibly smart ones where we wonder 'how do they do that?'" Magic, dearie. And willpower. ...I am teh roole. Eeeew, the next one used that terrible Nickelback song that seems to follow me everywhere and haunt me. Barf-o-tron what? At least she's not playing it; Offspring is better. Yeah, she chose two songs. So I could have done m montage of everything these people hate after all. I wish Thaddeus wouldn't stare at me. Or stare at whatever is right behind me that makes it seem like he’s staring at me. >_<
Lunch
I'm actually sitting with people for lunch, omfg. Following my new buddy around, feeling third-wheelish...they're not really talking to me, but that's okay 'cause I'm concentrating all my efforts into not letting my paranoia and people-phobia freak out. I'm surrounded on all sides. I don't like it. =\
6 Government
Today is the longest day ever. We went outside at the beginning of drama, and it was so nostalgic and deja vu for last year...it was nice. I like things like that. But if I'd heard a bell ring, anywhere, I would have just sprinted for freedom. ...Then I dozed through the last half hour of it. Just practicing performances. I am le pity black hole today. I sad-puppy-eyes'd my way out of having to do my scene (on stage, in front of everyone). G-sensei noticed that I got my hair cut. I thought she might...so it's extra cool that she did. <3
5-8 Monday
After
The bus driver must really hate me... (le sad panda) So, there was a lot I kind of wanted to say today, but it didn't happen. I wrote my (our) government paper instead. I can't believe I got embarrassed and felt ashamed/guilty when G-sensei almost found out that I'm the one who did the entire paper and (more, in addition to) the only research that wasn't a redundant photocopy of itself--it should have been my group members for not doing a goddamn thing. It's like they have no soul.
5-9 Tuesday
Before
Everything is coming together and coming to an end. It's starting to feel 'conclusive'. And I'm not even feeling too nostalgic or emotional about it, like I thought I would. It's like I've gone into 'everything is stressful, and so to minimize freaking out, I will detach myself and do everything logically/systematically' mode, only without the stress and freaking out. I mean, there's a little, like about the government paper yesterday, but once I finished that, it was just like...whoa, there is currently nothing holding me back from graduating and ending this thing. And then the same thing after the band concert (which was made of suck, but hey, pick up, dust off, move on). Most euphoric. And I feel like that pretty much all the time now. Two class days and 3 final days. One of which I might not have to go to because they're band days and concert band is crap and Mallory is making all 6 flute players in symphonic reschedule our final because she 'has to turn in a paper at UAF' (and I'm sure that takes 80 minutes, especially when she has a car and can drive up there). Meh. No bitching.
2 Brit Lit
I don't like the look M-C-Sensei just gave me. And I know anyone reading this will just think 'oh, the k8 is being all paranoid again' but really...I can tell she doesn't like me. Her plastic smile doesn't quite reach her eyes, which reflect her true 'bleh' and 'eww' feelings about me. Don't be so selfish, K8.
Oooh. This guy is making fun of celebrity obsession. No one takes my pretty emo boys from me! >=\ At least he's making fun of stupid fashion too. Paying more for ripped-up jeans than something whole and functional. Oh-no! He makes a somewhat intelligent metaphor (as a round of coughing breaks out and I miss half of it). But I'm unnerved that his whole thing is about picking apart everything that's wrong with us while repeatedly saying 'I don't know what to do about it.' Get with it, kid. Redundant and pointless what? And a stupid shitty rap song to top it all off. Awesome. =\ He chose Fight Club for his literature, but he's talking about the movie. Smart. Oh, and I just noticed something. At the beginning he said we're too focused on what Brad Pitt is doing and not on "important" things like how many are being killed in a war no one wants (see? he's full of brainwashed propaganda too) and yet he talks about the movie version of a book, which stars Brad Pitt.
Annnd the next preppy whiny bitch it heading the 'Don't judge me! Waaah! I can't take it when everyone isn't admiring me and having eyesex with me' generation. Which is full of three posters of pictures of Lindsay Lohan and such in four-inch miniskirts. Sending a real good message there, you are. STFU whore what? Stealth yearbook looking...is there anything more predictable and pathetic? She talks about labels as if they are 'lyke da werst thing eva!' I label myself on purpose to avoid being interpreted as something like her. Once again, get with it.
Annnd the next one started out with the guy basically being a douche and saying something along the lines of 'my project isn't as good as the last one, but everyone wants to have sex with me 'cause I'm SUCH a stud, so I'm better than everything, He's all about how cell phones are too prevalent (he said he sends 2000 text messages a month =|) but he's not seeming like that's a problem, so why bring it up and/or base your entire project around it? "I don't know if I can say the words without dancing." Yeah, like we're just dying to see that. Egomaniac what?
Annnd the next one is talking about women throughout history and how they've fought throughout the years for equality and respect...and yet I just want to tell her to take the styling goop out of her hair, take the four or five layers of makeup off her face, cover up a little (no one wants to see your belly button, hipbones, and pubes, especially all at once) and eat something. Plz. "Don't make fun of me, but I chose Destiny's Child for my song." (Like you don't dance to this in your room every night.) And why be embarrassed about it? If it was good enough for you to include in your project, then you must like it to some degree, so be proud of it. Lacks conviction what? o.O She somehow managed to interpret a Maya Angelou poem as being about how we're all judged by our looks and we're not 'phenomenal' if we're not 'a model's size.' That's it. I can't listen any more. >_<
In an hour I'll be in my university spot. Remember what I said about it being addictive? It totally is. I should will go to drama today. =| ...OMFG. I have to get out of here. I mean the whole high school thing. I'm seeing all the things that i was left out of, and things I didn't take advantage of, and I'm feeling regretful, wishing I could go back and change it, but I can't, so that's pointless. No good. I'm not feeling conclusive anymore. I'm feeling escapish.
4 University
Wow, I think I'm actually getting a little in shape from walking up here so much. Or at any rate, I'm losing weight from something, and the exercise=pain part is noticeably diminished. Just my shoulder hurts from carrying stuffs. Start bringing a water bottle, K8. Don't be so self-conscious about everything. So, this is the last official 4th period to spend shirking about. Only one more real day left. o_o ...The people surrounding me have gotten less and less attractive since the first day I came here. So this is now basically My Library Spot Part II, considering that all I do when I come up here is school stuffs or read. I've given up hope on any of them ever approaching me and starting a conversation.
5-10 Wednesday
After
I can't believe this. It doesn't feel real.
5-15 Monday
6 Government
I'm done. Now I just have to sit here for 45 minutes and convince my brain not to asplode. When I get home, I'm going to make a pizza, read some Panic! slash, and watch Steven's Untitled Rock Show, and it will be just like any other day. K8 lives in the present.
After
I'd like to dedicate my G-sensei flower to everyone who thought I couldn't do it. "Thanks."
Nah, I lied about the excitement. But you should have seen that coming.
Before
So, the next 2 weeks are going to suck. Why? Because the person closest to me told me yesterday that no one likes me. And it wasn't even during an argument, so it's not like she was using it as an insult. She was just stating a simple truth. And I've never felt so alone.
2 Brit Lit
Oh, M-C-sensei, how I loathe thee. Fucking forced group interaction again. I could do so much better on my own, but noooo, she just had to wait until everyone and their partner picked a topic, and then pair me with the only other person in the class unliked enough to need the teacher to help them find a partner. Although I do admire that person for approaching me and asking. Even if it was semi-forced (on his part; entirely on mine). But does M-C-sensei have any idea how depressing it is to always be the leftover one that nobody wants to be with, and someone just ends up stuck with? Each time this happens, it gouges a little more out of my self-esteem. I am not in a good place (mentally) right now. =\ And M-C-sensei isn't helping a big stupid ho-bag. And now I'm once again counting down the minutes until I can escape and be alone in the library. Alone again, always...
I'm going to keep a tally of how many kids use stupid rap songs for their generation projects that have no substance and nothing to do with anything (except bling and hoes).
Lunch
Sooo, fucking awesome, the library is closed. I have nowhere to go. I guess I could walk to the University, but I'm already up here and all. And besides. Effort. Fuck effort. I’ll just sit here and look pathetic and wish I was dead for two hours. Or angst and self-pity rant for 2 hours. Or. Fuck. I can't stay here. Go home? I'll be stabulated. Wish I had friends to take me somewhere. Or even just convince me that being here is okay, before I asplode with anxiety. If I walk to UAF, I won't want to come back for 5th. I'm terminally doomed, and all I want is for someone to sit next to me and tell me I'm okay. That's all. But nobody likes me. I'm a leper. A social leper. Don't get too close, you might catch what this one has.
4 University
So, fuck exercise. Exercise is fucking hard. And fuck all the people who just gave me 'you are not cool enough to be here' looks. Fuck you all in the butt. I am so cool enough to be here. (The Kate is soooo paranoid.)
...Hokay, so now that I can breathe again, I shall observe, and continue repeating 'college is going to be so cool' to myself (which is better than my continuous mantra of 'nobody likes me' for the past half hour). James Audie will die by power of laser vision. Or burst into flames. Or at least...stop...and notice/recognize me? (I'm a scene kid toooo, remember?) ...I guess not. I hope I don't smell bad. >_< Power walking up a hill for 10 minutes gets a person kinda sweaty. Blergh. I could really go for a nap right now. Except the scary college kids would rape me and steal my stuff. o_o And 1. I'm too paranoid self-preserving to ever let myself fall asleep alone in a public place, and 2. say I did; I'm not sure I'd wake up on time to go to 5th (or at least catch the bus home, because honestly, fuck 5th). G-sensei has brainwashed me. The Big College TV is on CNN, and I was watching, kind of zonin', and I found myself, without cattle-prodding, thinking of which Constitutional Principles I could use to attack or defend the issues presented in the headlines. This place is too hot and too cold. And now some douche sat right in front of me; so so much for watching the Big College TV. And lastly, all of the pretty college people seem to be hiding today. But still, better squishy chair in lair of darkness here than floor of bright open hallway there. Better the disconnected apathy of these people who don't know me than the 'omfg look what a loser' hostility of my 'peers' at school. J.A. is very flame-resistant. And I just want to clarify to Kara, if she ever reads this, that I don't hate that she loves sex, I hate that she loves sex with anyone present and willing. Even people she/we'd previously made fun of or held grudges against. People are so selfish.
...I have no attention span for anything. I really would like a nap...
Ah, that was pleasant. Not very nappy, but restful. No sleeping. Just laying. Watching. Anyway. The most perfectly suited to my interests person in the world is sitting about 6 feet away from me... I'm watching him on his compy (he doesn't know...I hope, anyway, I hate being obvious) and... Msn, Myspace, Maddox...holy crap, we must be soulmates. Or at least we could have deep, lengthy conversations on the intarweb. (Note double meaning of on, there.) [And remember, this is where I found Jeremy... ^-^] Hanyway. I shall peruse Myspace for this specimen later. For now...watch. Oh yeah, and who knew the intarweb came from the floor? I was wondering, 'cause this is obviously unofficial Lappy Lounge, and then Perfect Person came and plugged right into the ground. Awws. Chris Meurlott (fuckhislastname!) is a Nice Guy. Came over and said hi to my sad lonely butt. Prompted Perfect Person to take (and leave) off his headphones, so maybe I'm not the only one who's curious. Annnd if I was going to class, I should have left about 10 minutes ago. Oops. I have to le pee, and now it is another 2 hours until I will be home. (I would not have gone in a school/public bathroom, so that is a null point.) Some people are just profoundly ugly. And there's nothing they can do about it. I'm glad I'm not one of them. And then some people are just unforgivably dorky. Yes, you, Mr. Cowboy Hat+Boots. You are not a scene boygirlitthing, and so you have no excuse to wear pants that tight unless you want to start wearing eyeliner and kissing boys. Also, MTV really is just too pathetic for words. "The first round will consist of nothing but 'Yo Mamma' jokes!" Oh-ho! (haughty laugh) P.P. just came back, stood there for a second, went around right behind me for a moment (I assume he was looking at what I was doing), nodded, and then walked back out. I am intriguing. Although I can't shake the suspicion that P.P. is Liam from middle school G.T. And that would be capital A Awkward. Just like seeing Chris Webb after 2 years just was. =| And of course not saying anything, because social contact paralyzes me with fear. But. Meh. He's kind of attractive now. Too gothy though. And I bet he's running one of those totally waste-of-space lives. Seeing J.A. makes me instinctively clench my fists in hatred now. Fantastic.
After
The bugs are back. @_@ And it's pathetic that the bus driver can make me feel like such a loser just by saying 'doing that again, eh?'
So, as crazy as it might sound from Anti-Exercise-K8, I think I may start walking up to the Big College T.V. for every 4th for the rest of the year. In hopes of seeing P.P. ...'cause I'm pathetic. But there are only 3 or 4 left anyway. So whatev.
5-2 Tuesday
2 Brit Lit
School hasn't even started yet and already two teachers have bitched me out, condescended to me, and done the whole let's embarrass her in front of her peers as much as possible, because really she's not socially alienated and rejected and despised by them enough. Fuck you, D-sensei and M-C-sensei. It's fantastic how whenever I have the tiniest bit of hope for a good, or mediocre, or at least not shrouded in shittiness day, they just stomp all over it and rip it up and spit on it. Life is rad.
Annnd the first generation is "pimp my ride." And as his thesis points, he has i. uniqueness and ii. fitting in. Contradiction what? Thaddeus keeps staaaaring at me. It's so fucking yucky and creepy. I wish someone would pour acid on him so he would melt into a puddle on his chair and I wouldn't have to worry about being all lechered with his undressing eyes. o_o
Dear preppy girl who has "the personalizing generation" (grammatically incorrect), the fact that you don't know and can't even pronounce the words in your report totally doesn't make it obvious that you didn't write it and probably pilfered it from the intarweb. She said that "if you don't have a cell phone, you're nobody." And nobody likes me. So hey, all non-cell-phone people, let's start a we like k8 club. She also said that if you don't wear the most expensive clothes, people will look down on you and think you're "dirty." That floors me [with laughter and shock]. I mean, I know that's the stereotype of how preppy people are, but I can't believe she actually feels that way. Come on. Aren't we more mature than that? Her voice is fucking terrible. She sounds like she's about to cry. And...she's sounded like that for the entire 10 minutes she's been talking. Her movie is about a "goth" girl who's rejected from society. Predictable what? Oh-ho! To her, "normal" is jeans and a sweatshirt. Which is totally what I'm wearing. Good choice with the Ataris, K8.
...I took it off. I don't want to fit her definition of "normal." Yay for Thursday shirt. New album today. I'm excited. Also dropping off Sam Goody application. I hope Cute Guy is there to take it. He likes me, to some degree--he talked to me about Savestheday!--more than the angry menopausal lady who rang me up last time.
Ugh. If I have to listen to Darius's droning voice for 10 minutes I am going to go insane and stab my brain to death with my pencil through my ear. At least he's talking about terrorism, economy, and politics--something worldly, instead of just being self-obsessed with cars and clothes like the last two. Whee. Stretching my eyelids out and making funny faces is more fun than listening to this. He's trying too hard to say controversial things, but he just can't inflect them right [read: at all]. Monotone what? I wish I was outspoken enough to ask questions. I'd verbally pummel my beloved "peers" into the ground. Get back all those points M-C-sensei has robbed me of throughout the year.
Oh joy, it's massive irreparable overbite girl. She sounds so scared. I've lost interest in making snarky comments. This may be why people don't like me. Not that I give a shit about those types; I'm so much smarter than them, they barely register on my radar. "This is the least apathetic generation like ever, if if if they see something wrong they're going to take a sssstand against it--no, wait...yeah, it." Even ignoring the stuttering, that's one of the most crap statements I've ever heard. We are so fucking apathetic. Go back to painting your nails with Abercrombie girl, your point is void and meaningless. How apathetic are we? I don't even care enough to listen to the rest of it, that’s how apathetic. The only thing I enjoyed about this presentation was the chance to unabashedly stare at how fucked up her face is. ["Excited by ugliness and looking for the perfect specimen."] Disfiguration what?
I am teh best. Hmm, I already managed to use up another stack of paper. And of course none will ever be taken from the notebook. Oh wells, I guess that just means no work getting done. Aww. People are so dumb. Oh my god. Can't resist selfstabbing urges. >_<
Hanyways. I think my suspension generation idea is too deep for these n00bs to comprehend. (Or maybe I just don't want to put that much thought/effort into it after seeing how low the bar of achievement is.) So maybe I'll go with the "Intarweb has made me illiterate." I can use intarweb h8s j00 art (which means not only saying "I found this random totally fantastic webcomic, no idea who it's by, but it's totally great, isn't it awesome, everyone?" but also a whole tangent about LJ, w00t) and I can use that Motion City Soundtrack song I was set on but hitherto had no way to tie in...sweet. And my "peers" might actually understand some of it, rather than me waxing philosophical about how they've made me a self-hating (but still ohsoso egotistical) outcast loser--
Oh, I love myself. =D
5-3 Wednesday
Before
Omfg. Nothing to bitch about yet! Maybe today will be a good--nevermind.
Lunch
Oooh! Something to complain about: Exercise = le suck. I'm pretty much gonna have to say that every time I come up here, 'cause I'm so not made for powerwalking up hills. Garr! If I had a completely bald head, I would wax and polish it every day. I might even go to the bowling alley and use their ball cleaner machine, just to make a spectacle of myself. And I would let little kids draw pictures on it in Sharpie.
Hm, so, lots of Waste Vallians come up here for lunch. How annoying, and lame for me to have just discovered the awesome they've known of for a while. Awws, I wish I had my camera again. I was going to bring it, but I already had too much crap in my bag and the more I carry is the more difficult the exercise. And K8 h8s exercise more than anything except giant beetles and being made to feel pathetic. There's a lot I could/should do, but nothing I want to. Book, compy, outline, generation. Meh to it all! This place is sooo interesting. If I didn’t have important classes to go to (Government) I could sit here and watch people all day.
I hope it doesn't become mundane to me once I start going here, like the excitement of high school did once I perceived the true suck within. I imagine likening this place to underthestairs, which seemed so rad during the tour when no one was in it, but once school started and it became populated...well, let's not needlessly dredge up unpleasant memories (the smells! the stickiness! The scarygothstuffinside kids making out! >_<). It's pretty much the worst place in the world to be. And I don't want this to become like that when I'm a Big Cool University Student.
Hey, so, 10 days left of forever. ...Nothing to say on that. Third time here and I'm already starting to recognize some repeat customers. Chubby albino guy. Rides unicycle around campus guy. Omfgwhatahippie guy. Dammit, I hate when people bring food down here. 'Cause first I'm like Garr, that smells icky. And then I'm like (lusteyes) I'm so hungry...
I'm surprised that just laying here doing nothing doesn't bother me more. It would freak me the fuck out to not constantly at least look like I'm doing something at school. Even in my library spot. (Which I guess I'll never see again, le tear.) I wonder why that is. I fear/despise people approaching me and bothering me and trying to get me to talk to them there, but I've come to the conclusion that most likely no one's going to do that here, and if they did, I would welcome it, so I'm okay here. =\ Wedgie. Errgh.
Man, people will say anything to try and get you to buy something. (downgrade) How come everyone at college is cute? It's not fair. And I don't want my stupid ugly class to come up here next fall and ruin it. But I'm sure all their ridiculously loaded parents are spoiling them to death by paying for school wherever they want to go, so hopefully they'll go away. Although I know a fair number are coming up here for their first year at least, I just forget if it's the ones I hate, or the ones I tolerate. And there goes K8's ego again; somebody better beat it with a stick before it gets too big and starts breaking down the walls again. At least I can acknowledge that I am egotistical. Most of them probably don't even know what egotistical means.
And I missed seeing so many people in the time it took to write that. Including an entire class of extra-midget ones. Thanks for sitting right in front of me, King of the Douchebags, maybe I wanted to watch about ancient Chinese Emperors. Or at least have something to look away really fast and concentrate on, if someone catches me staring at them a little too long. Bleh.
I wonder if Angela Frigidwhatever gets a winter farmer's tan on that strip of skin that is always, always showing between her too-small shirts and too-small jeans. (Too small! The freak manages to find clothes that fit her too tight even though she seems too tiny and skinny--remember she's taller than me--to even be alive. She must still shop in the little kids section...which I grew out of when I was like 12. Because it sickens me that clothing companies would design and make pants that little expecting healthy teenagers to fit into them.) (Oh yes, I am sofuckingjealous, I admit it. Not jealous to be like her, but jealous that she can be (and because she is) like that and is so admired because of it. Sick. Pathetic. I need to shut up.)>/random<
So, it seems that to fit in at Collegeland, a girl must be either one of those totally yuck preppy types and be part of some frat/jock guy's harem, or be one of those toofargone to ever really be satisfied with life politically active hippies, and wear 'save the rainforest' buttons ($1.50 at Hot Topic) all over your hemp jacket and your khaki skirt (which you're wearing over your jeans =|). Either that or just be one of those nondescript dumpy ones that no one takes notice of. If I stay as I am (a music/scene person) I'll probably get lumped in with the goths who wear too much makeup and all lack. Because god forbid we just let anyone be an original. Didn't I write once that when we got to college we should be mature enough to put the idea of cliques behind us? Yeah, well, that's total crap. As long as we have "identities" and are too afraid to associate with anyone else and only seek approval from people just like us, there will always be cliques. (How depressing.) Except me; I don't have a clique, because--remember?--nobody likes me.
So, P.P. didn't come today. Which is sad because the main purpose of my trip up here, besides having nowhere else to go, was to see that person. Not to write two and a half pages of pointless rambly whiny snarky notebook comments about people I claim not to like but secretly just want to be. Lame, lame, lame. And sad, and depressing, and bleh and blarg and I have to pee. Ohnoes, cooties! Le tragedy, and I have 5 minutes to kill before I go back to school. I'm all nervous suddenly, it's stupid. Life is so mundane, I want a bomb to fall nearby. Asplode.
6 Government
So, when I set out, I was planning on writing "The walk back is my favorite part." But I have now reconcluded that K8-types are not made for any type of exercise. So, I'm pretty screwed for my government final. I sacrificed my right to choose who I wanted to work with in order to jump in with a group of people just so I would get the topic I wanted (judicial review). Well, actually, they were the only people I felt bold enough to approach about joining them, and probably the only ones who would voluntarily work with me, So I'm stuck with some notsosmart ones, and I'm going to end up doing a lot of the hard thinking and (mediocre) work, and our presentation is still going to be pretty meh. I find it amusing, though, that they have so much faith in me. I haven't done a goddamned thing except sit here and smirk whenever they make (what sound like to them) ohsoprofound points, but they keep saying 'don't worry about Kate, she gets it, she'll do it, she knows what's going on.' ...What if I don't? (Know, or do it?) But then again, I always do come through for things where I'm going to have to present in front of everybody--well, on the writing, anyway; then someone like LykeomglykegasplykeBethlyke gets all up in my face and I'm like =| (silentmode). But I figure I'll write and perform most of the speech (as is my delegated duty) and let the two of them field most of the questionandanswers (which is an unspoken understanding...with myself...that I have yet to share with them). Omfg. Doom. Maybe I will just commandeer this whole project. It's hopeless otherwise. Except I am sooo lazy. And there's still a half hour left. And A.s.s. just laughed at me because I was making fun of something dumb AL said by going 'oooh, stereotypes, my favorite!' and dancing a pirate jig. Why couldn't I have been in his group, he's fucking smart and has like 104% grade and enjoys thinking about government and politics. I keep having to fillintheblank for AL. "Representative government?" "Political parties?" "Capital Building?" Maybe we could work out some sort of comedy routine delivery for our speech; that way it'd at least be memorable, if not actually good.
Copier paper tastes yummy.
5-4 Thursday
Before
So how cool am I for not only putting off my Generation project until the last day, but also in a half asleep state last night deciding that both of my previous ideas are crap, and I should do something totally different? ...I am going to die of doom today. Omfg.
2 Brit Lit
Rawr. So I'm not the only one who hasn't even started yet. Rad. First one we hear today is from "Chan the man." And yes, that's the name he put on his outline. I wonder if he has any idea that -chan is the suffix you put on the end of a little girl's name in Japanese. G-sensei is the graduation speaker. Sweet. ^-^ This may be one of the few presentations I actually enjoy. At least this one is smart enough to have a somewhat original and profound topic, instead of just picking a word, defining it in their paper, then rambling on about cell phones and "spinners". Whatever. Propaganda! Subliminal messages! My favorite. And he didn't pick a shitty rap song. Just a stupid 'modern rock radio' song. Ad he hates movies. Aw. Such a connection being made here. "A unartistic blob of disgusting mediocrity." And his literature is from "my favorite book, the Bible." (eyeroll) Just lost me there, claims-to-be-against-propaganda boy. Hypocrite what? I never understood why people draw sunglasses on suns. That's like me wearing K8-blocking glasses. And I like looking at myself. It's interesting to watch people's body language. Chan-chan exhibited a relaxed demeanor throughout his presentation, then as soon as the question period started, he put his arms up behind his head, which would look relaxed if he was laying down, but since he was standing in front of us, it made him look defensive, like he was trying to block our comments in case they went against his presentation, and he was trying to make himself look bigger and more imposing so we would be too intimidated to say anything derisive against him.
Anyway. The next one is about school bullying. A little predictable, a little mundane, overall not much to comment on. Kind of interesting to listen to, because of course I can relate, and I like that a preppy douche like him has actually taken notice of us socially challenged. Ugh. Can't listen to the boring any longer... Mundane what? Ah, this one has a brain on it. How refreshing. I almost clapped, but then I scratched my arm instead. Meh.
But I don't have very high hopes for the next one, by the guy who fucked me over on the very first assignment ever in this class, so I've held a grudge against him ever since. "A vacation to Cancun every year is the norm." Wow, you're off to a great start. These preppy douches are so far up their own asses that they don't even seem to realize that not everybody has rich parents that will get them anything if they whine in just the right tone of voice. "Everybody goes to dances, and if you're not 'getting busy' then the night was a total waste." Is this kid wearing blinders? How can he be so naive? He's only listing the lifestyle of one group of people; the rest of us have morals. Perhaps he is wearing K8-blocking glasses. Haha! He called himself a sheep. His whole song is about being a sheep, only he's proud of the debauchery the lyrics detail; I don't think he gets that the song is making fun of the stupid crap his type participates in. His movie is all about "crazy European sex." Every single point he's made has to do with sex. Single-minded presumptuous asshole what? I almost clapped instinctively (sheep mentality pwning my brain! ohnoes!) but then I cracked my knuckles instead.
The next one is presented in Comic font, the most despised ever. Oooh, now we're the "gotta have it generation...and we usually get it." Another rich bitch who never had to make six slightly varying ice cream cones for sticky screaming kids while being deathglared to pieces by their parents like I deserved that kind of treatment for minimum wage. "Teens with cell phones tend to associate with other teens with cell phones, and ignore those without." Probably the only realistic/true statement in her whole presentation. And she obviously just googled for a song on her theme, as she knows nothing about the artist--she's talking as if Pink Floyd is the name of the guy singing, not the band. Spoiled rich brat what? Now she's off tangenting about what we would be like if we didn't have money. "If we didn't have money, we wouldn't be the gotta have it generation!" Ohemgee! So profound! I'm floored by the thought you put into that! Though I wouldn't mind bartering with pebbles and pinecones, if it would get rid of narrow-minded mentalities like hers. I didn't even make a move like I was going to clap. I picked my dead dried up cuticles instead. "We'll max out our credit cards to get anything we want!" Kill me please.
Lunch
Grarr! Someone is in my spot! >_< But a very traditionally hot (read: preppy) guy smiled at me while I was invisibly teleporting (read: plodding, trudging, wobbling, pouting, angsting) to the furthermost inthecorneraway from everybody spot in the whole room. I smiled back...or I think I did, anyway. I moved my lips., but I never know if its far enough to be what someone else would consider a smile, because by the time I've gone far enough that I can tell there's a change, it feels too obvious for my sososubtle self. But I tried, anyway. Maybe he could read that through the desperation on my face.
So, I'm pretty much starting over idealess (read: screwed) on my generation project. Which means really that I'll angst over it for a bit (meanwhile wasting valuable work time on activities such as this; remember that my doom, however it pans out, will be over in 24 hours) and then go back to one of my original ideas, except do it less than half as great as I'd originally envisioned it in my mind.
I'm always the only non-penisbearing thing in here. (Yes, I'm pretty sure the naive hippy woman who just walked in has a penis hidden somewhere in the rolls of fat peeking out from under her green ducky shirt.) Maybe this place is unofficially Creepy Rape Corner, in addition to being Lappy Lounge with Intarweb in the Floor. Seems like it could be. Oh, K8, you are not a nice person.
It seems odd that I could be in an upright position, but my knees are higher than my head, and yet I'm comfortable. Such is the magic if these Big Awesome College Chairs. And yes, everything is cooler just for existing at college.
I think Preppy Crutches Cutie fell asleep. He hasn't moved for a while. Maybe I should go over and poke around for signs of deadness. 'Cause I do like dead things. And any excuse to come into contact with pretty things. And...ha, I only wish I was that brave. ...It doesn't mean I can't be Creepy Corner Eyeraping Girl and sit here and watch him. Which is why I just chose to stare out the window for a few minutes. =| I'm such a 'socially challenged moron' that I can't even look at attractive people, much less approach them or talk to them.
Ben Gibbard just walked past! He works at McDonalds, and YES! he goes to shows. In a Midtown shirt, no less. ^-^ Awws, P.C.C. is leaving. Called someone on his fucking cell phone. What a sell out. At least he didn't say "watzzzzuuup!" I would have had to stick my pencil in my eye if he did. Nothing interesting to watch now. The same two guys with shiny bowling ball heads are back. I still want to draw faces on them. Now we shall take up another repeated mantra: "K8 should go to drama class. (Ya, rly.)" Oh, KSUA!Nick, with the Streetlight Manifesto hoodie, how I adore thee.
Today the Big College TV features a History Channel special on medieval torture devices. =P Which I would find morbidly fascinating if I were in such a context as to actually be able to hear/concentrate on it. One guy keeps trying to walk away but ends up being drawn back by the grotesqueness. He's wearing the same slightly malicious 'omfg' smirk as me.
Omfg. The Audio Karate Generation (first idea to get caps yet, must be special). "Not a label definition for an entire generation, but the view of one person in that generation." Or some bullshitty crap like that. (K8 really should go to drama class. >.<) Oh yes. It will be all about how people are perceived due to the music they listen to, with an underlying hint that everything they listen to is utter suck. I will not define them. I will teach them. Open them up to a part of their generation they never knew existed. (12.40, I guess I'm not going to drama...) Oh yes, and I shall pwn all! Nyahahaha! And for my song...I shall MAKE a song! (maniacal glint in eye) A "mashup" of all that is suck, with my awesome taste prevailing as the underdog protagonist. Andandand. I can still use the 'heart of stupidity is bred in intarweb forums' or some such (...eventually simplified) to 'fighting on the intarweb is like being in the special olympics: even if you win, you're still retarded.' For art I shall use scene photography, (which is what I originally wanted to use for 'suspension'; glad I could incorporate it again in a different way) which I shall pilfer from the likes of Mallory and Caitling and that other stupid camera ho whose name I forgot.
Grr. I don’t like when other people sit by me. I was the only one here for a bit, and now it's all full of lamers again. Sooo. I'm not going to drama. (= disappointed in self) But it's so much better here. Can't wait until next fall when I'll actually belong. ...If I even pass high school. But. Fuck. I have like...7 days left. No use getting pessimistic about it now; what happens happens. It's done. For doom or not, only time will tell. Drama starts in 2 minutes. (angsts self to death) I'm letting my partner down... =(
So, it's extremely uncool to not have wireless intarweb in Lappy Lounge/Rape Corner/Food Smugglery. The guy next to me is eating a green burrito (green!) and sniffling a lot. Ewwy. Oh jeez. I was staring out the window and didn't even realize it was rather ghostishly casting my reflection back at me (even I look through myself like I'm invisible, how sad is that?) annnd...now I can't look out there anymore. Unless the sun goes away. And the room is too full to look anywhere else without catching someone's eye and creating Controversy of the kind that is what makes K8 so socially retarded.
5-5 Friday
Before
Incredible. Five minutes before school even starts and already M-C-sensei's gotten in a dig at me. =\ I'm too tired to care. I'm shaking and can't focus, that's how tired I am. And I still have to present the piece of crap I stayed up all night creating; that's the worst part. If I could just turn it in and then quietly slump off to my corner and disintegrate into a pile of ashes, that'd be rad.
2 Brit Lit
Hibernation is pretty much my favorite word right now. I can't believe I'm nervous. I never get nervous for presentations, especially because I hate these people and don't care what they think of me. I think I'm nervous because I'm not entirely sure what I wrote in my semi-catatonic state earlier. I know it's lots of random rambly content, rich in hippie wishy-washiness, and barely if at all addressing the guidelines specified. Garr! Must snark...but...can't...muster...the will... Awws, she looked right at me when she said "the incredibly smart ones where we wonder 'how do they do that?'" Magic, dearie. And willpower. ...I am teh roole. Eeeew, the next one used that terrible Nickelback song that seems to follow me everywhere and haunt me. Barf-o-tron what? At least she's not playing it; Offspring is better. Yeah, she chose two songs. So I could have done m montage of everything these people hate after all. I wish Thaddeus wouldn't stare at me. Or stare at whatever is right behind me that makes it seem like he’s staring at me. >_<
Lunch
I'm actually sitting with people for lunch, omfg. Following my new buddy around, feeling third-wheelish...they're not really talking to me, but that's okay 'cause I'm concentrating all my efforts into not letting my paranoia and people-phobia freak out. I'm surrounded on all sides. I don't like it. =\
6 Government
Today is the longest day ever. We went outside at the beginning of drama, and it was so nostalgic and deja vu for last year...it was nice. I like things like that. But if I'd heard a bell ring, anywhere, I would have just sprinted for freedom. ...Then I dozed through the last half hour of it. Just practicing performances. I am le pity black hole today. I sad-puppy-eyes'd my way out of having to do my scene (on stage, in front of everyone). G-sensei noticed that I got my hair cut. I thought she might...so it's extra cool that she did. <3
5-8 Monday
After
The bus driver must really hate me... (le sad panda) So, there was a lot I kind of wanted to say today, but it didn't happen. I wrote my (our) government paper instead. I can't believe I got embarrassed and felt ashamed/guilty when G-sensei almost found out that I'm the one who did the entire paper and (more, in addition to) the only research that wasn't a redundant photocopy of itself--it should have been my group members for not doing a goddamn thing. It's like they have no soul.
5-9 Tuesday
Before
Everything is coming together and coming to an end. It's starting to feel 'conclusive'. And I'm not even feeling too nostalgic or emotional about it, like I thought I would. It's like I've gone into 'everything is stressful, and so to minimize freaking out, I will detach myself and do everything logically/systematically' mode, only without the stress and freaking out. I mean, there's a little, like about the government paper yesterday, but once I finished that, it was just like...whoa, there is currently nothing holding me back from graduating and ending this thing. And then the same thing after the band concert (which was made of suck, but hey, pick up, dust off, move on). Most euphoric. And I feel like that pretty much all the time now. Two class days and 3 final days. One of which I might not have to go to because they're band days and concert band is crap and Mallory is making all 6 flute players in symphonic reschedule our final because she 'has to turn in a paper at UAF' (and I'm sure that takes 80 minutes, especially when she has a car and can drive up there). Meh. No bitching.
2 Brit Lit
I don't like the look M-C-Sensei just gave me. And I know anyone reading this will just think 'oh, the k8 is being all paranoid again' but really...I can tell she doesn't like me. Her plastic smile doesn't quite reach her eyes, which reflect her true 'bleh' and 'eww' feelings about me. Don't be so selfish, K8.
Oooh. This guy is making fun of celebrity obsession. No one takes my pretty emo boys from me! >=\ At least he's making fun of stupid fashion too. Paying more for ripped-up jeans than something whole and functional. Oh-no! He makes a somewhat intelligent metaphor (as a round of coughing breaks out and I miss half of it). But I'm unnerved that his whole thing is about picking apart everything that's wrong with us while repeatedly saying 'I don't know what to do about it.' Get with it, kid. Redundant and pointless what? And a stupid shitty rap song to top it all off. Awesome. =\ He chose Fight Club for his literature, but he's talking about the movie. Smart. Oh, and I just noticed something. At the beginning he said we're too focused on what Brad Pitt is doing and not on "important" things like how many are being killed in a war no one wants (see? he's full of brainwashed propaganda too) and yet he talks about the movie version of a book, which stars Brad Pitt.
Annnd the next preppy whiny bitch it heading the 'Don't judge me! Waaah! I can't take it when everyone isn't admiring me and having eyesex with me' generation. Which is full of three posters of pictures of Lindsay Lohan and such in four-inch miniskirts. Sending a real good message there, you are. STFU whore what? Stealth yearbook looking...is there anything more predictable and pathetic? She talks about labels as if they are 'lyke da werst thing eva!' I label myself on purpose to avoid being interpreted as something like her. Once again, get with it.
Annnd the next one started out with the guy basically being a douche and saying something along the lines of 'my project isn't as good as the last one, but everyone wants to have sex with me 'cause I'm SUCH a stud, so I'm better than everything, He's all about how cell phones are too prevalent (he said he sends 2000 text messages a month =|) but he's not seeming like that's a problem, so why bring it up and/or base your entire project around it? "I don't know if I can say the words without dancing." Yeah, like we're just dying to see that. Egomaniac what?
Annnd the next one is talking about women throughout history and how they've fought throughout the years for equality and respect...and yet I just want to tell her to take the styling goop out of her hair, take the four or five layers of makeup off her face, cover up a little (no one wants to see your belly button, hipbones, and pubes, especially all at once) and eat something. Plz. "Don't make fun of me, but I chose Destiny's Child for my song." (Like you don't dance to this in your room every night.) And why be embarrassed about it? If it was good enough for you to include in your project, then you must like it to some degree, so be proud of it. Lacks conviction what? o.O She somehow managed to interpret a Maya Angelou poem as being about how we're all judged by our looks and we're not 'phenomenal' if we're not 'a model's size.' That's it. I can't listen any more. >_<
In an hour I'll be in my university spot. Remember what I said about it being addictive? It totally is. I should will go to drama today. =| ...OMFG. I have to get out of here. I mean the whole high school thing. I'm seeing all the things that i was left out of, and things I didn't take advantage of, and I'm feeling regretful, wishing I could go back and change it, but I can't, so that's pointless. No good. I'm not feeling conclusive anymore. I'm feeling escapish.
4 University
Wow, I think I'm actually getting a little in shape from walking up here so much. Or at any rate, I'm losing weight from something, and the exercise=pain part is noticeably diminished. Just my shoulder hurts from carrying stuffs. Start bringing a water bottle, K8. Don't be so self-conscious about everything. So, this is the last official 4th period to spend shirking about. Only one more real day left. o_o ...The people surrounding me have gotten less and less attractive since the first day I came here. So this is now basically My Library Spot Part II, considering that all I do when I come up here is school stuffs or read. I've given up hope on any of them ever approaching me and starting a conversation.
5-10 Wednesday
After
I can't believe this. It doesn't feel real.
5-15 Monday
6 Government
I'm done. Now I just have to sit here for 45 minutes and convince my brain not to asplode. When I get home, I'm going to make a pizza, read some Panic! slash, and watch Steven's Untitled Rock Show, and it will be just like any other day. K8 lives in the present.
After
I'd like to dedicate my G-sensei flower to everyone who thought I couldn't do it. "Thanks."
Nah, I lied about the excitement. But you should have seen that coming.