Fic: Finding the Way Home (SGA John/Rodney, NC-17) Part Two
Title:Finding the Way Home
Fandom: SGA
Pairing: John/Rodney
Rating: NC-17
It was over two hours before Carson finally came out of the examination room where he'd taken Rodney. He walked up to the waiting group and said unceremoniously, "As bad as he looked when we found him, he has no life-threatening injuries. That bloody bastard took care to cause as much pain as possible without putting Rodney's life in danger. He's been terribly abused, but he should make a full recovery fairly quickly."
John stiffened. "When you say he's been abused..."
Beckett looked at him in confusion for a second, but then his face cleared in understanding and he rapidly shook his head. "Oh, no, no. There's no sign of sexual abuse, thank God."
John almost sagged with relief. At least he didn't have that to add to his guilt for not being there to protect Rodney. He'd failed Rodney, failed to protect him, failed to find him quickly enough to spare him all that pain. But Rodney was alive and safe now, and he would soon recover, physically at least. Whether or not he would ever forgive John was another question.
"Is he awake yet?" Elizabeth asked.
"No, and he won't be for a while. I've given him morphine for the pain which will keep him knocked out until tomorrow. He's also on strong antibiotics to fight off possible infection and a glucose drip to bring up his blood sugar." Carson looked around at the anxious faces and said, "You can all go in and take a peek at him, reassure yourselves that he's all right, but then I want you all to leave. You need rest as much as Rodney does."
Elizabeth nodded and led the way. John fought to keep his expression neutral when he saw Rodney lying so still in the small hospital bed, pale and bruised with multiple bags hanging on a pole beside his bed. The steady beat of the heart monitor, however, was reassuring.
John watched as Elizabeth reached out and gently squeezed Rodney's fingers, careful not to bump against the IV needle, and then she turned and walked away from the bed, her face a careful mask. Teyla patted Rodney's hand as well and left, taking Ronon with her and leaving John alone by his friend's bedside.
John stood there for a few minutes just watching Rodney breathe until he heard Carson come up beside him. "Go on to bed now, Colonel Sheppard," the doctor said gently. "We'll take good care of him."
John nodded and walked away without a word.
As he passed through the infirmary, a soft voice called out, "Colonel?" John turned to see Cadman sitting up in bed looking much better than she had the last time John had seen her.
"Lieutenant, it's good to see you sitting up."
"Thank you, sir," she said with a small smile. "Carson's going to release me tomorrow. How's Rodney?"
"A little banged up, but he'll be fine."
"I'm so sorry I didn't do a better job of protecting him and the rest of my team," Cadman said, looking down and plucking at her sheet. "I should have known, realized that there was something fishy about those energy readings."
"Stop it, Lieutenant," John ordered, not unkindly. "I know Kolya, and there wasn't anything you could have done." He gave her a small, encouraging smile and said, "Just concentrate on getting better now. That's an order."
Cadman returned his smile. "Yes, sir."
~~~*~~~
To John's surprise, he fell asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow that night, and he didn't awaken again until his normal time to get up. The first thing he did upon getting out of bed was grab his radio headset and check on Rodney. After being reassured that Rodney had had a quiet night and was still sleeping, John headed for the bathroom for a quick shower and shave. When he was dressed, he headed directly to the mess hall, his stomach growling embarrassingly loudly. Eating was another thing he hadn't done much of the past week, his stomach too tied in knots to welcome food.
He spotted Ronon and Teyla at a table as soon as he entered the mess hall, and after loading up a tray to capacity he headed over to them and took a seat.
Ronon took a look at the laden tray and glanced at John with amusement in his eyes. "Hungry?"
John nodded and shoved a forkful of scrambled eggs into his mouth. When his mouth was empty he grinned back and said, "Starving," before taking a huge bite of fried potatoes.
Teyla gave him a small smile, took a sip of tea, and asked, "Have you heard how Rodney is doing?"
John cleared his mouth by taking a sip of coffee and nodded. "Yeah, I called the infirmary. He's still sleeping, but they said he's doing okay. I'm going to go see him later today."
"That is good to hear," Teyla said. She set her cup down and then, after hesitating for a moment, asked, "And you, John? How are you doing?"
John stiffened slightly and said, "I'm fine. Why?"
"I am just concerned, after yesterday."
"Teyla," Ronon said warningly.
Teyla's chin went up. "I am merely worried about Colonel Sheppard," she said defensively. "This past week has been very... stressful."
John poked at his suddenly unappetizing eggs and said calmly, "Like I said, I'm fine."
Teyla nodded but didn't look convinced. "If you are sure," she said. "However, if you wish to talk..."
John stood up, the food in his stomach feeling like a lead ball. "Yeah, thanks," he said. "I gotta go. I'm way behind on my reports."
As he walked away from the table and his barely touched breakfast he heard Ronon say, "You should have just let it go." He didn't hear Teyla's answer as he hurried out of the mess hall and toward the transporter. He didn't want to talk about those last minutes in the fortress; he didn't even want to think about them.
He entered the transporter and pressed the control to take him to his office, but apparently his subconscious mind had other ideas because when the doors opened, he found himself looking out into the hallway nearest the infirmary. He half-turned to redirect the transporter, but stepped out into the hall instead. Even though it was less than an hour since he'd called the infirmary, he figured it wouldn't do any harm to check in on Rodney in person.
When he entered the infirmary, he spotted Beckett talking to a nurse. He waited until the conversation was finished, then, striking his usual casual pose, he sauntered up to the physician.
"How's it going, Doc?" he asked.
Carson smiled at him. "I wondered how long it would be before you showed up. Rodney's doing well. I've cut back on the morphine so he should be regaining consciousness soon. I can call you when he wakes up."
"Okay," John said glancing briefly at the bed where Rodney lay. A nurse stood by his bedside writing into his chart. He maybe stared a little too long at the still figure because Carson gently patted his arm.
"I promise he'll be fine, Colonel. How are you doing?"
John cursed to himself at the question. He stepped back out of Carson's reach and smiled a falsely cheerful smile. "Great. So, um, I'd better get to work. I'll see you later."
He had just turned toward the door when he heard the nurse call, "Doctor, he's waking up."
Turning back, he followed Carson over to Rodney's bedside and watched with pounding heart as Rodney's eyes fluttered and then opened. Rodney glanced around with a look of confusion on his face, his eyes finally settling on Carson who stood next to his bed.
"Where..."
"You're safe, Rodney," Carson told him as he handed Rodney's chart back to the nurse. He looked down on his patient with kind eyes. "We brought you back home."
Rodney's eyes slid from Carson to the nurse to John, where his look lingered for a moment, and then back to Carson.
"Who are you?" he asked in a shaky voice.
~~~*~~~
Several hours later, John, along with Teyla and Ronon, met in the conference room with Elizabeth, Radek, Carson, and Kate Heightmeyer. When they were all seated, they looked expectantly at the doctor.
"Carson," Elizabeth prompted. "What did your examination show?"
Carson pushed a button on his computer and an image of a brain appeared on the large view screen placed where everyone could see. "There is no evidence of trauma to Rodney's brain. No swelling, contusions, or hematomas. It's as I originally diagnosed; there was no injury done to Rodney's head."
"Then why does he have amnesia?" John asked. He still felt the shock when he realized that Rodney didn't recognize him; didn't recognize any of them.
"It's called Dissociative Amnesia," Kate said. "It's a psychological rather than a traumatic condition.
"Basically," she continued addressing Elizabeth, "it's a defense mechanism. We know Rodney was tortured, and since Kolya took so much trouble to cause no permanent or life-threatening injury, I think we can safely assume that he wanted something that required Rodney's knowledge and skills and used the torture as a means to attempt to coerce Rodney's cooperation. If Rodney came to fear he was near to capitulation, well, if he couldn't remember anything, then he couldn't be forced to aid Kolya in his plans."
"So he made himself forget?" John asked.
"I believe so, yes. He couldn't escape from Kolya physically, but he could mentally, and so he did."
"Okay," John said, pushing away the sudden fear of what would have happened to Rodney once Kolya realized he'd be of no use. "But he's home now. Why does he still have amnesia?"
"The mind's a very complicated organ, Colonel," Carson said. "It may take a while for Rodney to believe that he's truly safe."
"What can we do?" Elizabeth asked.
"Be there for him," Kate said. "Colonel Sheppard and his team, as well as the rest of you, are probably the people closest to him. Talk to him, reintroduce him to Atlantis, show him that he is safe and back with his friends." She hesitated for a moment. "I know that you and Colonel Sheppard were angry with him because of the incident with the Ancient weapon." She looked at John. "Colonel, as his team leader and his friend, I believe Rodney values your good opinion quite highly. I hope you can put your anger aside and be there for him now."
It took all of John's control to smile at the psychologist. "Believe me, that's not a problem at all." He looked directly as Elizabeth, his eyes locking with hers. "For either Dr. Weir or myself. Right, Elizabeth?"
Elizabeth gave him a chill little smile, "Not at all. We'll do everything we can to help Rodney get better."
John tuned out as the others discussed the best way to interact with Rodney. John already knew what he was going to do. He was going to be there for Rodney. He was going to let Rodney know there was someone there that had his back. He was going to do whatever was necessary to make up for failing to keep Rodney safe. He was going to win back his trust.
~~~*~~~
When the meeting broke up, John headed directly to the infirmary, not bothering to wait for Carson who was still talking with Elizabeth and Heightmeyer.
When he got there, he smiled a little at seeing Rodney sitting up in bed rapidly spooning soup into his mouth. Coming up to the bedside he said, "Hey, Rodney."
Rodney looked up in surprise and then said, "Oh, hello, um, Colonel Sheppard."
John smiled not letting the twist in his gut show at Rodney's slight hesitation over his name. He nodded to Rodney's bowl, "No solid food, yet, huh?"
Rodney sighed sadly. "No, they said maybe tomorrow. I'll probably be dead of starvation by then, but at least I'll die surrounded by medical personnel." With a scowl, he dipped his spoon into the broth again and brought it to his mouth.
John grinned at Rodney's complaint because it sounded so... Rodney-like. Feeling a bit buoyed that the same personality was there regardless of the amnesia, John pulled up a chair and sat down. Rodney glanced at him curiously, but continued eating.
"So, did Beckett give you any timeframe of when he's going to spring you from here?"
Rodney shrugged. "Maybe tomorrow, if I keep solid food down. He says I'm not too badly hurt." One side of Rodney's mouth turned down slightly. "I'll have to take his word for it because I don't think there's a place on my body that doesn't hurt."
"Rodney," John began.
"Ah, Rodney, you are awake. Good. We have much work to do," said a voice from behind John.
John cursed under his breath and turned to see Zelenka holding a laptop and looking so falsely cheerful that John would have laughed under other circumstances. Instead he resented Zelenka's interruption. He turned back to Rodney and saw the confusion on his face.
"Rodney," John said by way of introduction, "this is your colleague, Dr. Radek Zelenka. He's one of our top scientists, and the guy that keeps things running around here when you're not available."
"Oh," Rodney said. "Um, hi."
"Yes, yes, hello. Now, if you are through stuffing your face, we have work to do. Much work has gotten behind while you were gone." Radek looked at John. "If you will excuse us, Colonel Sheppard, I must bring Rodney up to speed."
John could see the panicked confusion on Rodney's face, but he knew this was the course recommended by Dr. Heightmeyer and so he nodded and stood. He gave Rodney an encouraging smile. "I'll see you later, okay, buddy?"
The pleading look on Rodney's face almost made him stay, but he knew this was for the best. If Rodney was ever going to come back to them, he needed to recognize that he really was safely back in Atlantis. He smiled at Rodney again, gave his arm a quick squeeze of encouragement, and then turned and left fighting back the feeling that he was once again abandoning Rodney.
It was early evening before he was able to get back to see Rodney again. Even though it had been an excuse to get away from Teyla that morning, the fact was that he really did have a lot of reports to get through as well as his own to write up. After a quick meal in the mess hall eaten with Ronon who thankfully didn't ask how John was doing, he headed straight to the infirmary.
Rodney was sound asleep.
He was standing beside the bed watching Rodney sleep and noting the bruised look of exhaustion around his eyes when Beckett came up to stand beside him.
"He's doing well," Beckett said in a quiet voice.
"He looks like hell," John replied.
"Yes, well, he had a busy day today. Radek was here for several hours and by the time he left, they were arguing rather loudly." Beckett sounded pleased, and John had to smile in agreement.
"You letting him out tomorrow?" John asked.
"Aye, I think so. There's no sign of infection. We'll get him out of bed tomorrow, make sure he can get around on his own, feed him a solid meal, and if all goes well, I'll release him."
"Call me, and I'll come get him."
Carson nodded. "Of course, Colonel." With a nod, he walked away leaving John alone with Rodney.
"I'll see you tomorrow, buddy," John whispered before he turned and left the infirmary.
~~~*~~~
The call came from Beckett while John was meeting with Lorne. There was still no progress on the search for the spy, and that made both John and Lorne uneasy. Although Kolya was dead and no longer a concern, the fact that there was someone in their city who was willing to sell them out was a security threat that could not be ignored.
When John entered the infirmary, he saw Rodney sitting stiffly on the side of his bed, dressed and ready to go. He glanced up when John approached and gave him a nervous smile.
"So, I guess you're my keeper, huh?"
"Nah, I'm just your escort. Don't want you getting lost your first day out of the infirmary."
Rodney glanced down and nodded. "I'm sorry. I'm taking you away from what I'm sure is important work."
"You're taking me away from reading really boring mission reports about trade agreements for kevoss and trilium."
McKay's face lit up with surprised delight. "Ha! Errand of Mercy, right?"
John grinned back. Leave it to Rodney to forget himself but remember an old Star Trek episode. "Got it in one," he said pointing at his smiling friend.
Still smiling, Rodney jumped off the bed and then winced as his injuries were jarred. John reached out to steady him, but drew back without touching him when he heard Beckett say, "All ready to go then, are we?"
Rodney scowled at the doctor in a completely Rodney way and said, "Well, I don't know about you, but I'm ready to get out of here."
Carson smiled and said, "Good, good." He handed Rodney a small bottle of pills. "These are for pain. Take them only if you really need them. If you have any problems at all, you're to come back to the infirmary immediately. Do you understand?"
"Yes, yes," Rodney said irritably. "Can I go now?"
Carson rolled his eyes and said to John, "He certainly sounds like himself. Are we sure he really lost his memory?"
Rodney's face fell, and John glared at Carson who had the grace to look contrite. Taking Rodney gently by the arm, John tugged at him. "Come on, Rodney. Let's go."
They walked out of the infirmary side-by-side. Rodney was very quiet and John was trying to think of something to cajole him back into his happier mood when Rodney said, "I'm not lying, you know. I really don't remember."
John stopped and turned to him. "Hey, I know that. Carson was just teasing. We all believe you, Rodney."
Rodney nodded though he didn't look convinced. "I mean, I want to remember. I hate not knowing who I am, who you all are. I don't understand why I don't remember. Dr. Becket said I don't have a brain injury, which is good because I guess I'm really smart, huh?"
John smiled. "Yeah, Rodney, you're really smart. And you've been through a pretty rough experience. Dr. Heightmeyer says you'll remember soon. Just relax, okay?"
Rodney sighed. "I'll try, but to be honest, I'm really not feeling too relaxed."
John touched his shoulder, urging him to move. "You will, buddy. I promise."
They walked through the halls at a pace comfortable for Rodney. Rodney looked around as they walked taking in everything they passed with sharp curiosity. "This place is really pretty amazing, isn't it?" he asked.
John looked around seeing the familiar halls with new eyes. "Yeah, it is." They were passing by one of the doors that opened onto a balcony and turning toward it John said, "But wait 'till you see this," and led Rodney outside.
He watched as Rodney eyes grew big in wonder as he took in the towers and spires of the city of the Ancients. "That is impressive, isn't it?"
John smiled at him. "That's what you said when you saw the ocean being held back by the shields when the city was still underwater."
"Wait, what?"
John told him the story of when they first came through the stargate, of how the city had awakened at their presence, and the danger they'd faced when the ZPM had started to fail. Rodney listened in rapt attention, and it wasn't until John noticed that Rodney was looking tired and a little paler than usual that he nudged Rodney back inside and they continued their journey to Rodney's quarters.
John stood just inside the door and watched as Rodney roamed around his quarters. He stopped in front of the wall displaying his degrees and awards, but all he said was, "Huh." Walking over to the table by his bed, he picked up the picture of a cat and frowned at it before putting it back down again. He then glanced over at John and said hesitantly, "Thanks for the escort."
"Sure thing, Rodney," John said. "So, um, if you like, we could go over some old mission reports. Might help jar your memory."
"Maybe later," Rodney said. He glanced at his bed. "I think I might like to take a nap, if that's okay."
"Yeah, sure," John said feeling a bit disappointed. He really wasn't ready to leave Rodney yet, but he could see the weariness on Rodney's face. "You, uh, you want me to come get you for dinner?"
"Okay," Rodney said, giving John a small smile.
"Okay, then," John said with a grin and palmed open the door. "I'll see you in a couple hours."
"Right. Uh, thanks again."
John nodded and walked out the door, reluctantly leaving Rodney behind all alone.
~~~*~~~
Word of Rodney's amnesia had spread throughout the city, and the noise in the mess hall quieted dramatically when John and Rodney walked in. John saw Rodney glance around nervously taking note of all the curious stares.
"Come on," John said gently guiding him over to the food line. "Ronon and Teyla are waiting for us."
Rodney glanced around the mess hall quickly as if trying to find a familiar face, but then turned away, his face sad and troubled. When they had their food, John led him over to the team table. Teyla greeted them with a warm smile.
"Rodney, it is good to see you."
"Thanks, um, Teyla?" Rodney said hesitantly.
"Yes, and this is Ronon," she said indicating their large teammate. Ronon barely paused from shoving food into his mouth as he grunted a greeting. John watched in amusement as Rodney's eyes grew big as he took in the speed with which Ronon ate. With a nudge from John, Rodney set his tray on the table and they sat down side by side opposite Teyla and Ronon and began to eat.
They made small talk as they ate, and while Teyla was telling Rodney about her people, one of Rodney's scientists came up to the table with avid curiosity in his eyes and introduced himself. As if that were a signal, a steady stream of people began to come over, and John could tell that Rodney was beginning to feel a little overwhelmed. Ronon must have noticed it too, because when another group started making their way over, Ronon stared at them while fondling his dinner knife and the men veered away. After that, they were left alone.
After dinner, Ronon and Teyla left them at the transporter wishing Rodney a good night, and John walked Rodney back to his room. It was still early enough in the evening that when they reached the door, John asked, "Hey, want to watch a movie?"
Rodney considered for a moment and then smiled shyly and said, "Yeah, I'd like that."
John grinned and followed Rodney into his quarters. "Great. So, how about Back to the Future?"
Rodney turned around and crossed his arms over his chest and glared at John. "I know I have amnesia, but I'm pretty sure I hate that movie."
John tried to look apologetic, but knew he failed miserably. "Hey, can't blame a guy for trying," he said with a teasing smile.
Rodney rolled his eyes and then looked around his room. "Um, how are we supposed to watch the movie?"
"Your computer," John began but then stopped when he saw Rodney shaking his head.
"It's password protected," Rodney explained. "I, um, tried it out after my nap this afternoon, but I couldn't figure out the password."
"Oh, yeah," John said, troubled because he knew that Rodney should have been able to break his own password, amnesia or not. It was just another sign that Rodney was still not feeling safe and was hiding away from his knowledge. "I could go get my own computer," he suggested.
"Okay," Rodney said, but as John turned to go Rodney said, "Colonel, you really don't have to keep an eye on me. I promise I won't leave my room if you have something else you'd rather be doing."
John turned around and frowned at him. "Rodney, I'm not keeping an eye on you, and I don't have anything I'd rather be doing. I want to watch a movie, and I'd like to watch one with you. If you don't want my company, then just say so."
Rodney searched his face for a minute as if trying to discern the truthfulness of his words and then he smiled, one of those heart-stopping warm smiles that were far too rare. "Okay, go get your computer. But no Back to the Future."
John grinned and pointed at him. "You got it, buddy."
When he got back to Rodney's quarters, Rodney greeted him with, "I only have one chair. How are we supposed to do this?"
John shrugged casually. "We usually just sit on the bed."
"We do?" Rodney asked with wide eyes.
"Sure," John said, and sat on the side of the bed to remove his shoes. When they were off, he settled back against the wall at the head of the bed, stretched out his legs, pulled the computer onto his lap, and turned it on. While it booted up, he looked at Rodney and patted the side of the bed. "Come on, Rodney," he ordered.
Rodney swallowed nervously but then sat down and began to remove his own shoes. When he was finished, he gingerly moved back, wincing a bit in discomfort, and settled back with his broad shoulder brushing John's. At the touch, John relaxed, pressing slightly into Rodney's warmth. Rodney sat stiffly at first, but then, little by little he relaxed, and John allowed himself to press just a little bit closer. The movie was nearly over when John felt a weight on his shoulder and glanced over to see Rodney's head resting there, eyes closed, his breathing the steady rhythm of sleep. And if John's lips brushed against Rodney's soft, fine hair, well, nobody noticed, not even John.
~~~*~~~
The next afternoon, John hunted Rodney down and found him in the lab with Zelenka. At John's entrance, Rodney glanced up and his face lit up in a way that made John's heart give an odd little flutter.
Sauntering into the lab, he rested a hip against the table where the two men were working and said, "So, how's it going?"
"Rodney is being arrogant and stubborn," Zelenka with a glare at the man in question. But then he gave a small smile to John. "He is very much like normal."
Rodney crossed his arms over his chest. "Look, it's not my fault that Zelenski-"
"Zelenka," Radek snapped.
"Whatever," Rodney said with a wave of his hand. "It's not my fault that his theories are wrong, wrong, wrong, and, oh, by the way, wrong."
"You have amnesia," Zelenka yelled. "You do not know if my theories are wrong. You are just being an ass because it is your personality."
"Hey!" Rodney yelled.
"Guys, guys," John interrupted with a grin. "As entertaining as this is," he said to Radek, "I thought I'd take Rodney off your hands for a while."
Zelenka made shooing gestures with his hands. "Yes, by all means. Please take him. Keep him. Maybe with him gone I can get some work accomplished."
Rodney opened his mouth, but John grabbed his arm and pulled him toward the door. "Come on, Rodney. Let's go and grab some lunch."
As they were walking to the mess hall, Rodney said, "Do I often argue with Dr. Zelenka?"
John smirked. "Only all the time."
"Oh." Rodney looked thoughtful for a minute and then grinned. "That was fun."
John laughed. "I always suspected most of your arguments with him were because you two like getting each other riled up."
While they were eating, John said, "So, how would you like to go flying today?"
Rodney looked at him in surprise. "Flying?"
John nodded. "In a puddle jumper. We can take one out, give you a tour of the planet, and maybe I'll even let you fly it."
Rodney frowned. "What's a puddle jumper?"
"You'll see," John said.
~~~*~~~
When they were settled in, John pulled up the HUD and watched as Rodney's eyebrows rose in surprise. He studied the display for a while and then turned to John and asked in amazement, "Does this thing have space flight capability?"
John nodded proudly. "Most of the stargates are terrestrial, but occasionally we come across orbital 'gates. You and I also have a theory that the puddle jumpers can be used under water, but we haven't been able to convince Elizabeth to allow us to test our theory."
"Very impressive," Rodney said, and then he sighed. "I wish I could remember all this stuff."
John reached over and patted his hand. "You will, Rodney." Then turning his attention back to the tiny ship, he radioed, "Flight, this is Puddle Jumper One. We're ready to depart."
"You have a go, One," Chuck radioed back.
John directed the ship up and out of the city and into the bright, clear-blue sky of Lantea.
As the tiny ship glided above the frothy waves of the ocean, John watched Rodney as his eyes flicked from the view outside to the HUD, face sharp with interest. When they reached the mainland, John asked, "You ready to take over?"
"Me?" Rodney squeaked. "I don't think..."
John stood up, his hands still on the controls but his body moving back and out of the way. "Now, Rodney," he commanded. Rodney responded as he always did to that voice and slid over to take the controls. The little ship immediately began to dip toward the tree line and John yelled, "Pull up!"
Rodney pulled back on the controls, over-correcting, but almost immediately straightened out. The course he set was his usual zigzag, and John spent the next half hour or so giving directions and trying not to yell. Rodney, he decided, was never going to be an ace, but eventually he was able to fly it in a more or less straight line. After about an hour, John noticed that Rodney's face was beginning to look pinched and he kept adjusting his back and shoulders.
"Tired?" John asked.
Rodney nodded. "A little," he said with an air of apology.
John pointed to the left. "Fly over there. There's a spot near the beach we can land. We'll take a break, and then when you're ready, how about I take us into space?"
Rodney's face lit up, and he immediately pointed the jumper in the direction John had indicated.
They landed on a long stretch of beach and exited the jumper. John grabbed a blanket from one of the storage bins and spread it out on the sand in a spot that provided both sun and shade. After Rodney was settled, John pulled off his shirt and lay down on his stomach in the sunshine, closing his eyes and letting the sun's heat soak into him.
"Um, Colonel, do you have any sunblock?"
"You're in the shade, Rodney. You don't need any sunblock," John told him drowsily.
"Not for me. You shouldn't be laying out there in the sun without sunblock."
"I'm fine, Rodney."
"Mel-a-no-ma," Rodney said in a sing-song voice.
John opened one eye and looked at Rodney.
"I'm not going to get skin cancer."
"Tell that to your oncologist, Colonel."
"Fine," John said with a put upon sigh. "I'll just stay out here for fifteen minutes and then come join you in the shade. Will that be all right with you, Dr. McKay?"
One side of Rodney's mouth turned down unhappily. "I'm only trying to help."
John reached out and squeezed Rodney's thigh feeling instantly contrite. "I know, buddy. Fifteen minutes, okay?"
Rodney stared at where John's hand rested on his thigh and swallowed. "Okay," he said in a voice pitched a little high.
John pulled back his hand, closed his eyes again and relaxed, Rodney's presence next to him warm and comforting. It seemed like only a second later that he felt a hand on his shoulder shaking him gently and a voice saying, "Colonel? Colonel, you should come into the shade now."
John yawned and turned over to squint up at Rodney who was leaning over him. Rodney's eyes roamed down John's chest to his stomach and then a little lower, and then as if realizing where he was looking, his eyes snapped back to John's face, his face coloring a little. Unable to resist, John smiled lazily at him and stretched languidly, his heart beating just a little faster as Rodney eyes tracked over his chest again. "You feeling better now?"
Rodney, his face even more pink, nodded and glanced around the cove. "It's really nice here, isn't it? Do, uh, do we come here often?"
"Well," John said, propping himself up on his elbows. "I do. You, not so much. You're usually not much of a beach guy."
"Oh," Rodney said frowning. "I, uh, I thought maybe we did. Because, uh, because it's so nice here."
"I'll remind you of that when you get your memory back," John teased reaching out and brushing away some imaginary sand from Rodney's face. Rodney's eyes widened at his touch, and he dropped his hand. Sitting up, he pulled on his shirt and stood. Reaching out a hand, he hauled Rodney to his feet, then picked up the blanket and shook the sand out of it. "So," he said when he'd finished folding the blanket. "You ready to go into space?"
It was late when they finally returned to the city, and they entered a nearly empty mess hall to grab something to eat. Rodney was unusually quiet, but John figured it was because he was tired from their long afternoon. After they ate, they walked side-by-side down the hall toward the living quarters but when Rodney stopped to gaze out at the fiery sunset, John smiled and led them onto the balcony. They stood next to each other by the rail watching until all the colors had faded and the stars took their place.
John was just about ready to suggest they go back inside when Rodney said, "Colonel, can I ask you a question?"
John nodded. "Sure, Rodney."
Rodney licked his lips, gazed out at the ocean for a moment and then turning to John, he placed his hand on top of John's where it rested on the railing and asked, "Are we... are we more than just friends?"
John's heart did a little stutter-start, and he stared down at Rodney's big, warm hand on top of his. He was at a loss for a minute as to what to say, but then he gently pulled his hand out from under Rodney's.
"No, we... we've never been anything more than friends," he said.
Rodney snatched his hand back as if he'd been burned and his face turned a bright red. "I'm sorry. I thought... Well, obviously I thought wrong. I, um," he gestured to the doorway. "I'm going in now. Good night, Colonel," and before John could say anything, Rodney was gone.
"Well, shit," John muttered.
~~~*~~~~
He stood by the railing for several minutes trying to decide what to do, but at last he went inside and headed for Rodney's quarters. He knew he'd fucked up badly with his flirting on the beach, and as much as he wasn't looking forward to the upcoming conversation, he knew he couldn't just let things lie as they were. He was pretty sure that confusing your straight, amnesic friend about his sexual orientation was not what Beckett and Heightmeyer had in mind when they'd asked John to help Rodney reorient.
When he reached Rodney's door, he hesitated for a moment, then drew in a deep breath and passed his hand over the door chime. He waited and then rang the chime again. He was fairly certain that Rodney was inside, and if he had to, he'd start pounding on the door until Rodney opened up. However, he was saved from having to cause a potentially embarrassing scene when the door opened and an obviously discomforted Rodney stood there.
"Colonel Sheppard, I'm sorry that I..."
"We need to talk," John interrupted and pushed his way in.
Rodney stood by the door nervously wiping his hands on his thighs, but then he stepped away from the door and let it close.
"Rodney," John began, "I'm sorry if I've given you the impression-"
"You touch me," Rodney said, cutting in. "You're always touching me. And you let me fall asleep with my head on your shoulder last night, and you... you smile at me. A lot. And you look at me like.... I don't know, like I'm someone special to you."
John blinked. "Oh."
"I just thought that maybe we were more than just friends because... because when you look at like that and then touch me, I feel... I feel like we're not just friends."
John stared at him, his mind scrambling with what to say in answer to that. Jesus, he'd had no idea he'd been that obvious with how he felt about Rodney, but now he really needed to defuse the situation. All he could come up with was, "You like girls, Rodney."
Rodney considered his words for a minute and nodded, "Yes, I think you're right."
John sighed in relief. That had been easier than he'd hoped. "So, we're okay now? You get that you were just a little confused?"
Rodney scowled and crossed his arms over his chest. "Fine."
"What? You're mad now?"
"Colonel, if we're not involved and you're really not interested, although I think you are, then just say so. But please don't act like I got 'confused'," he crooked his fingers in air quotes, "because of my amnesia."
"Well you never got 'confused'," John air-quoted back to him, "before you got amnesia."
"So you're saying you always touch and smile and look at me like that?"
John hesitated. "Okay, maybe I've touched you more than usual but it was because I was glad we got you back, not because we're involved."
Rodney blinked. "Oh." He stood with a thoughtful look on his face. "So you're not interested in me that way?"
John hesitated just a second too long in answering and Rodney got a smug look on his face. Before John could even react, Rodney walked up to him, grabbed his face in both hands and kissed him. It was a very determined kiss, focused in the way that only Rodney could focus. John tried to jerk back, but Rodney was having none of that and deepened the kiss, his mouth opening and his tongue licking across John's lips. John's cock hardened embarrassingly fast.
John fought against it though, because Rodney couldn't really want this. But then Rodney moved his hands down to John's hip and pulled him in tight. John groaned as he felt Rodney's erection press against his hip and pushed back rubbing his own erection against Rodney's stomach.
Rodney pulled back a bit and grinned. "I think maybe I'm not that confused."
John groaned again, and pressed his forehead to Rodney's. "Rodney, we can't do this."
"Why not?"
"Because you don't remember anything. Because we've never done this. Because you've never once acted like you wanted to do this."
"Have you ever wanted to do this?" Rodney asked in a whisper.
"No," John said emphatically. At the look on Rodney's face, he sighed and said, "Maybe. But, Rodney, listen to me. You haven't."
"You can't know that, not for sure. Maybe I just didn't know you wanted to do it," Rodney said and kissed John again, a scorching kiss that consumed John.
When they broke away, John was gasping for breath. "Jesus, Rodney, don't do this."
"John," Rodney said breathlessly, his thumbs caressing the side of John's face. "Please, I do want this. I want you." He kissed John again, and John cursed himself for his weakness even as he gave in, opening up to Rodney's questing tongue, allowing himself to taste, to feel, to need.
When the kiss ended, he slid to his knees and began to unfasten Rodney's pants with shaking hands. When they were open, he tugged pants and shorts down, and pressed his face against the wiry curls at Rodney's groin, breathing him in. He heard Rodney whisper his name as his hand cupped the back of John's head. Turning his head slightly, John licked at Rodney's erection tasting the soft, smooth skin, and then he leaned back just enough to draw the tip into his mouth and suck lightly.
Rodney's hips bucked just a bit and John wrapped his hand around the shaft to steady it as he slid his mouth further down until the head of Rodney's cock almost touched the back of his throat. He pulled back again, sucking, and then slid down, again and again, establishing a rhythm that had Rodney gasping in pleasure.
He became lost in his own pleasure as he worked Rodney's cock with his mouth. This was so much better than anything he'd dreamed. He was aware of Rodney's hands on his head, of the exhalations of hitching breaths, of the tension building in Rodney's body. He looked up and watched Rodney watching him. With Rodney's eyes wild and nearly black locked on his, he released Rodney's cock from his mouth and began to stroke hard and fast, running the palm of his hand over the sensitive tip and then grasping the shaft firmly again and jacking Rodney until his breaths became hitched and desperate. It was the hottest thing ever to see Rodney's flushed face and dilated eyes, his mouth opened and panting. John took Rodney in again, his eyes never leaving Rodney's face, and sucked harder, swirling his tongue over the head again and again until at last Rodney cried out, threw his head back, thrust his hips forward, and came.
John swallowed and sucked until Rodney pushed weakly against his shoulders, and then he released the softening cock and sat back on his heels. Rodney slid down to his knees, gasping for breath. He looked at John with glazed eyes and then he grabbed John's face and kissed him, hot and wild, his tongue licking his own taste out of John's mouth. He pushed John onto his back and crawled over onto him still kissing him breathless. With hot desperate hands, he pushed up John's shirt and kissed his way down John's stomach. John grabbed at Rodney's shoulders and pulled him back up.
"Rodney, you don't have to do this."
Rodney kissed him again, two hard, sharp kisses and said, "Shut up. I want to. Shut up." He pulled back, and began to open John's pants. When the final button was released, he tugged them down and then his mouth was hot and wet and, god, so good on John's cock, his big, warm hand wrapped around John's shaft, stroking and driving him to the edge. John closed his eyes and gave it up, too hard, too excited, too close to last. Rodney didn't release him until he was completely wrung out.
When it was over, Rodney crawled up to lie beside John on the floor. "Ow," he said as he stretched out on his back.
John looked over at him worriedly. "You okay?"
"Back hurts," he said and smiled at John. "Maybe we should move this to the bed."
John stared up at the ceiling and then with a sigh he pulled up his pants and got up. Holding out a hand, he hauled Rodney to his feet and then led him over to the bed. As they undressed, stopping occasionally to trade sweet, languid kisses, John knew there'd be time enough for regrets tomorrow, but not tonight. Tonight was going to be theirs.
~~~*~~~
It was still dark when John snuck out of Rodney's quarters, and he felt like a coward for not waking Rodney before he left, but John had a lot to think about and he needed time alone to do it.
He'd most likely just destroyed the best friendship he'd ever had. Regardless of what Rodney had said last night, John couldn't imagine that Rodney would ever forgive him for what had happened once he regained his memory. If there was one thing that was as immutable as the motions of planets, it was Rodney's heterosexuality. And all evidence to the contrary, no matter how much John might wish otherwise, last night was an aberration caused by Rodney's amnesia, not the beginning of a life partnership. Somehow, John was going to have to try and come up with a way to make it right with Rodney again. He just had no idea how he was going to do that.
When John reached his quarters, he quickly changed clothes and went on a long run. He avoided the places he usually ran with Ronon, needing time alone to sort things out, but by the time he got back to his quarters, he wasn't any closer to a solution then he'd been when he'd left.
He showered and changed, and then, knowing he couldn't avoid the meeting forever, headed to Rodney's quarters. There was no answer when he rang the chime, and when John palmed open the door, he found the quarters empty. He felt a rush of panic, but he forced himself to calm down and headed for the mess hall. If he didn't find Rodney there, he'd try the labs. There was no reason to believe that anything had happened to Rodney, but the knowledge that they hadn't yet found their spy made it hard for him to remain calm.
He felt a rush of relief when he spotted Rodney sitting at a table with Ronon and Teyla. Grabbing his own breakfast tray, he went over to join his friends.
"Good morning, Colonel," Teyla greeted him.
John smiled at her, nodded at Ronon, and said to Rodney, "I stopped by your quarters, but you were already gone."
Rodney frowned. "Was I supposed to wait for you there? I thought since I know my way to the mess hall that it'd be okay to come here on my own."
"Yeah, sure, Rodney. I guess I just thought you'd wait for me."
"Well, since you didn't say anything to me before you left my quarters, how was I supposed to know?" Rodney said just a bit acerbically.
John felt his face flush and hoped his teammates hadn't heard the implied, 'this morning' in Rodney's statement. He flashed a warning glance at Rodney which earned him a scowl and an eyeroll in return.
Rodney finished scooping the last of his oatmeal into his mouth, slurped down the last of his coffee, and rose. "Well, I'm off to meet with Dr. Zelenka. I'll see everyone later," and then he was gone.
John thought about following him and talking to him about the previous night, but since he still hadn't figured out exactly what to say, in the end he took the coward's way out and continued to eat his breakfast.
He was still on the fence about how to handle the situation with Rodney when he entered the control room later that day on his way to Elizabeth's office for a meeting. He stopped when he saw Zelenka bent over a console and a pair of feet sticking out from underneath. John would have recognized those feet anywhere.
"If you're trying to hide the body, Radek," John joked, "you're not doing a very good job of it."
Radek flashed him a quick smile, and an irritated, "Oh, ha, ha," came from under the console.
"Is he ready to start working on the equipment again?" John asked Radek in concern.
Radek shrugged. "He is only switching out some crystals, something even a child could do. He should be able to handle it."
"He is also able to hear you," Rodney snapped. John and Radek exchanged grins and then Rodney ordered, "Try it now, Radek." Zelenka typed several commands into his keyboard. Data began scrolling over the monitor, and Zelenka said, "Yes, it is working now, Rodney."
Rodney scooted out from the console and stood up flashing a quick, shy smile at John before leaning over Radek's shoulder to read the data flow. John relaxed a bit. Apparently he'd been forgiven for sneaking out of Rodney's room that morning.
"Oh, John, there you are," Elizabeth said from behind him. He turned to see Ronon and Teyla behind her waiting for him to come to the meeting when the alarm sounded. They all turned their attention to the gate room as the wormhole opened. Chuck listened intently to his transmitter and then said, "It's an Athosian IDC. Mabyn."
"Lower the shield," Elizabeth ordered.
"Mabyn?" John said with a frown.
"Yes," Teyla said coming to stand beside John. "He has been off-world for over two weeks visiting with an old friend. I had begun to worry about him."
A man of middle years entered into the gate room, and it was the look of surprise on his face when he spotted Rodney on the upper level that gave John his first suspicion. "He's been gone over two weeks?" he asked Teyla. "Before McKay was taken?"
Teyla looked at him sharply and answered, "Yes. But John you don't believe..."
"Why don't we have a little talk with Mabyn," John interrupted, "and see who all he's been meeting with while on vacation." He gestured to the Marines on duty to intercept the new arrival.
Mabyn had been walking quickly out of the gate room, but when the Marines begin to approach him, a panicked look came over his face and he started to run. He didn't get far before he was overpowered and dragged to stand before Elizabeth and John.
They brought him into the conference room for questioning, two large Marines standing guard behind him, two more at the door, and Ronon sitting across from him with arms folded staring at him with ice-cold eyes. It didn't take long for him to break under interrogation.
"I was visiting with my friend, and he brought to me a man who told me that his Commander was interested in obtaining information regarding Atlantis and Dr. McKay." He glanced nervously around the table as he spoke, not meeting anyone's eyes. "I agreed to provide him with information should I learn anything of interest. Shortly after, Halling asked me to accompany Dr. Haglund when he came to the mainland to harvest certain plants he believed to have medicinal purposes.
"Dr. Haglund was very friendly and talkative and mentioned to me that he was going to go off-world for the first time to perform a botanical survey. He was very excited at the prospect. I was able to learn from him which planet, and I made arrangements to travel through the Ring of the Ancestors and leave word for my contact."
"Why, Mabyn?" Teyla asked, the distress in her voice evident. "Why would you betray our friends?"
Mabyn sneered at her, forgetting his fear in his disdain for her question. "They are not our friends, daughter of Tagan. It is because of them that we have lost our home and do not even have access to the Ring without their permission. They disregard our beliefs and mock us. We, a once proud people, have been reduced to children begging crumbs from another's table."
"That is not so!" Teyla cried. "They are our friends and allies against the Wraith."
"They woke the Wraith!" Mabyn yelled half standing from his chair only to be forcefully pushed back down. "Because of them I have lost my wife, my child! The Genii Commander promised me he would rid the City of the Ancestors of these interlopers and would give it to us, the people who have suffered the loss of so much because of them."
"You cannot be so foolish as to believe that Kolya would have turned the riches of Atlantis over to our people," Teyla insisted.
"He wished only to take the supplies and armaments of the intruders, to make use of their learned men and women. He assured me that he had no need of the city itself."
Rodney had been sitting at the table, white-faced, as he listened to Mabyn's story, and for the first time he spoke up.
"He was lying to you."
"No," Mabyn insisted. "He would have..."
"He probably would have killed all of you after he killed us." Rodney looked at Elizabeth and John. "I remember now." He lifted a trembling hand to his face and rubbed his mouth. "Kolya wanted to take over Atlantis and turn it over to the Genii people. It was his plan to oust Cowen as leader and take his place. He wanted me because he suspected I'd be able to override the code that kept the shield in place over the stargate. When I refused to do it, he..." Rodney shrugged. "Well, you know what he did."
John was staring at the visibly shaking man, barely holding himself back from going over to Rodney and gathering him up in his arms.
"You lie," Mabyn said, though he was beginning to look less convinced.
"He does not," Teyla said sadly. "You have been duped, Mabyn. Kolya preyed upon your grief and anger and turned you into a traitor to our friends and our people. Because of you, Dr. Haglund and two other good men are dead. Because of you, Dr. McKay has suffered torture and was nearly lost to us forever. I do not know what the Atlanteans will wish to do, but I will request a meeting of the council and call for a Repudiation."
"No!" Mabyn yelled, half standing. "What I did, I did for our people!"
"No," Teyla said sharply. "You acted out of your own need for vengeance without regard to our people." Standing up, she turned her back on Mabyn and walked out of the conference room.
Mabyn stared at the doorway where she had exited and said is a barely discernable whisper, "I did it for our people."
~~~*~~~
It was several hours later that John stood outside of Rodney's quarters, once again hesitating before knocking. After John had ordered Mabyn taken to a cell, Rodney had gone straight to see Heightmeyer, and John had flown Teyla over to the mainland where he'd waited while the Council of Repudiation was called.
When Teyla at last exited the meeting, she came over to John and said, "It is done. It has been determined that since Mabyn's actions harmed your people, we will allow his punishment to be set by you and Elizabeth. Our only request is that even though he is no longer an Athosian and has caused great harm to your people, we beg that you do not put him to death."
"Elizabeth would never have ordered that," John assured her. "I'm sorry it turned out this way, Teyla," he said sympathetically.
"As am I, John. I did not believe one of my people would do such a thing, and I am saddened to learn that I was wrong."
John nodded and led the way to the jumper. The flight back to Atlantis was a silent one.
They had parted company outside the jumper bay, Teyla briefly touching her forehead to his, and now John stood outside of Rodney's door and wondered if it was a mistake to see him tonight. Rodney may need some time alone, but John hated the thought of Rodney facing all his memories by himself. Deciding that if Rodney wanted to be left alone, he'd let John know, John sounded the door chime. Only a few seconds passed before the door slid open, and a pale, tired-looking Rodney stood there, eyes red-rimmed and hair disheveled as if he'd been running his hands through it repeatedly.
"Sheppard," he said, and stood back allowing John entrance into his quarters.
John entered and the door closed behind him. "How are you doing, Rodney?" he asked.
Rodney shrugged. "All right, I guess. Heightmeyer's scheduled several appointments with me, but I'll be okay. How's Teyla?"
"Sad, upset, feeling betrayed," John said, carefully watching Rodney. "Guilty."
"Yeah," Rodney said. He sat down on the end of his bed, planted his elbows on his knees, and rubbed his face tiredly with his hands. John felt his throat tighten at the look of defeat on Rodney's face.
"Rodney?"
Rodney sighed and looked up at John, his eyes glassy with unshed tears. "I almost did it again, you know."
John came and sat beside Rodney. "Did what, buddy?"
Rodney stared at the floor. "I almost gave Kolya what he wanted." He looked up at John again, his face full of distress. "I tried, John. I wanted you to see I could be trusted again, but..." He swallowed and looked away again.
"God, Rodney," John said, feeling sick. "I trust you. I always have."
Rodney looked at him, disbelief in his eyes. "You said-"
"I'm an ass, okay? I never should have said you needed to earn my trust back. We were both wrong that day." When Rodney still didn't look like he believed him, John grabbed his face with both hands and said, "We were both wrong."
Rodney stared into his eyes and then nodded. John dropped his hands. It was his turn to stare at the floor. "I'm sorry I wasn't there with you to protect you," he said voicing the guilt that had been eating at him for so long.
Rodney stared at him in shock. "Are you nuts? Christ, John, if you'd been there, Kolya would have killed you. Probably slowly while I watched. I'm sorry about Haglund and the others, but I'm glad you weren't there."
"Rodney's it's my job to protect you."
"It's your job to protect Atlantis, not just me. Although admittedly, I'm a very important part of Atlantis." John looked at him and saw the tentative smile on his face and knew he'd been trying to tease John with that last statement. John knocked his shoulder up against Rodney's and smiled back at him, and the worst of the tension broke.
"So, you're going to be all right?"
Rodney nodded. "Yeah, I'll be okay."
John felt the beginning of relief at Rodney's words. Maybe they'd both be all right. He stood up. "I should probably go and let you get some rest," he said, but even as he said it, he glanced at Rodney's bed and remembered what it had felt like to lay on that too small bed last night and hold Rodney while he slept.
As if reading his mind, Rodney licked his lips nervously and said, "You don't have to leave."
"Rodney..."
Rodney stood up quickly and said, "No, wait, before you say anything, tell me something, okay?"
John had a feeling he should run out of this room as quickly as possible, but instead he said, "Okay."
"Did you really want me last night, or were you just trying to be nice?"
John frowned. "Are you asking me if that was a pity fuck?"
Rodney shrugged. "Well, yeah."
John raked his hand through his hair. "It was... it was... shit, Rodney, I don't know what it was other than a mistake."
"I see," Rodney said quietly looking away.
"No, you don't see," John said. "I should never have allowed it to go where it did last night. You weren't yourself, and..."
"Oh, for god's sake," Rodney said impatiently. "Don't use that excuse again. I told you last night that I knew what I was doing and what I wanted, and that hasn't changed. So don't blame me if you did something you didn't really want to do."
"I didn't say I didn't want to do it," John snapped back.
Rodney blinked. "Oh," he said, and then he smiled. "Well, if you wanted to do it and I wanted to do it, what are we arguing about? Unless it's the military thing? Because if you're worried about that, well, I can be discreet." At John's look of disbelief, he said, "Hey, I've been working on top secret projects for nearly twenty years! I can be discreet."
John smiled at him and then shook his head in confusion. This wasn't at all what he'd expected from Rodney once he got his memory back. "You're straight, Rodney," he finally said because it all came back to that fact. Rodney McKay liked hot, curvaceous blondes, and John was neither curvaceous nor a blonde.
"My sexuality has, on occasion, been negotiable," Rodney said with a grin, but then he sobered again and said with a sincerity John seldom saw in Rodney, "And when it comes to you, well, there's no negotiation necessary. I want you, and I have for a long time. And I really hope that last night means you want me too."
John stared at Rodney trying to wrap his mind around Rodney's words, and then he grabbed Rodney, pulled him roughly to him, and kissed him until they were both light-headed and panting for breath.
They fumbled with each other's clothing, kissing and touching, biting and licking away the sting. Naked at last, they fell onto the bed and into each other's arms. John craved Rodney's touch and he crawled on top of Rodney, both of them groaning at the feel of skin on skin. John licked his way into Rodney's mouth, tasting desire and need and Rodney, and when Rodney's hands slid down his back and grabbed his ass, pulling them tightly together, John began to thrust into the softness of Rodney's belly. Needing more, he pulled away just enough to line up their cocks and gathered them in his hand. Rodney's eyes grew big as he watched John stroke them together.
"God, that's so hot," Rodney breathed and reached up to pull John's head down for another wet, sloppy kiss. John let go of their cocks and lowered his body onto Rodney's again, thrusting wildly into Rodney's sweat-slicked stomach, his cock sliding against Rodney's. Rodney wrapped his legs around him and began thrusting back and the pleasure was almost too much and yet not enough. He wrapped his hands around Rodney's shoulders adding even more leverage and thrust harder. John was close when he felt Rodney pulsing under him, felt the slickness of Rodney's come on his stomach, and it took only a few more thrusts before he came with a low, throaty moan.
Later, after they had cleaned up and were curled around each other, satiated and sharing sleepy kisses, John felt a sense of contentment unlike any he'd ever had before. He hadn't even realized when he had been searching for Rodney to bring him home, that in Rodney's arms he'd find his own way home.
The End
Fandom: SGA
Pairing: John/Rodney
Rating: NC-17
It was over two hours before Carson finally came out of the examination room where he'd taken Rodney. He walked up to the waiting group and said unceremoniously, "As bad as he looked when we found him, he has no life-threatening injuries. That bloody bastard took care to cause as much pain as possible without putting Rodney's life in danger. He's been terribly abused, but he should make a full recovery fairly quickly."
John stiffened. "When you say he's been abused..."
Beckett looked at him in confusion for a second, but then his face cleared in understanding and he rapidly shook his head. "Oh, no, no. There's no sign of sexual abuse, thank God."
John almost sagged with relief. At least he didn't have that to add to his guilt for not being there to protect Rodney. He'd failed Rodney, failed to protect him, failed to find him quickly enough to spare him all that pain. But Rodney was alive and safe now, and he would soon recover, physically at least. Whether or not he would ever forgive John was another question.
"Is he awake yet?" Elizabeth asked.
"No, and he won't be for a while. I've given him morphine for the pain which will keep him knocked out until tomorrow. He's also on strong antibiotics to fight off possible infection and a glucose drip to bring up his blood sugar." Carson looked around at the anxious faces and said, "You can all go in and take a peek at him, reassure yourselves that he's all right, but then I want you all to leave. You need rest as much as Rodney does."
Elizabeth nodded and led the way. John fought to keep his expression neutral when he saw Rodney lying so still in the small hospital bed, pale and bruised with multiple bags hanging on a pole beside his bed. The steady beat of the heart monitor, however, was reassuring.
John watched as Elizabeth reached out and gently squeezed Rodney's fingers, careful not to bump against the IV needle, and then she turned and walked away from the bed, her face a careful mask. Teyla patted Rodney's hand as well and left, taking Ronon with her and leaving John alone by his friend's bedside.
John stood there for a few minutes just watching Rodney breathe until he heard Carson come up beside him. "Go on to bed now, Colonel Sheppard," the doctor said gently. "We'll take good care of him."
John nodded and walked away without a word.
As he passed through the infirmary, a soft voice called out, "Colonel?" John turned to see Cadman sitting up in bed looking much better than she had the last time John had seen her.
"Lieutenant, it's good to see you sitting up."
"Thank you, sir," she said with a small smile. "Carson's going to release me tomorrow. How's Rodney?"
"A little banged up, but he'll be fine."
"I'm so sorry I didn't do a better job of protecting him and the rest of my team," Cadman said, looking down and plucking at her sheet. "I should have known, realized that there was something fishy about those energy readings."
"Stop it, Lieutenant," John ordered, not unkindly. "I know Kolya, and there wasn't anything you could have done." He gave her a small, encouraging smile and said, "Just concentrate on getting better now. That's an order."
Cadman returned his smile. "Yes, sir."
~~~*~~~
To John's surprise, he fell asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow that night, and he didn't awaken again until his normal time to get up. The first thing he did upon getting out of bed was grab his radio headset and check on Rodney. After being reassured that Rodney had had a quiet night and was still sleeping, John headed for the bathroom for a quick shower and shave. When he was dressed, he headed directly to the mess hall, his stomach growling embarrassingly loudly. Eating was another thing he hadn't done much of the past week, his stomach too tied in knots to welcome food.
He spotted Ronon and Teyla at a table as soon as he entered the mess hall, and after loading up a tray to capacity he headed over to them and took a seat.
Ronon took a look at the laden tray and glanced at John with amusement in his eyes. "Hungry?"
John nodded and shoved a forkful of scrambled eggs into his mouth. When his mouth was empty he grinned back and said, "Starving," before taking a huge bite of fried potatoes.
Teyla gave him a small smile, took a sip of tea, and asked, "Have you heard how Rodney is doing?"
John cleared his mouth by taking a sip of coffee and nodded. "Yeah, I called the infirmary. He's still sleeping, but they said he's doing okay. I'm going to go see him later today."
"That is good to hear," Teyla said. She set her cup down and then, after hesitating for a moment, asked, "And you, John? How are you doing?"
John stiffened slightly and said, "I'm fine. Why?"
"I am just concerned, after yesterday."
"Teyla," Ronon said warningly.
Teyla's chin went up. "I am merely worried about Colonel Sheppard," she said defensively. "This past week has been very... stressful."
John poked at his suddenly unappetizing eggs and said calmly, "Like I said, I'm fine."
Teyla nodded but didn't look convinced. "If you are sure," she said. "However, if you wish to talk..."
John stood up, the food in his stomach feeling like a lead ball. "Yeah, thanks," he said. "I gotta go. I'm way behind on my reports."
As he walked away from the table and his barely touched breakfast he heard Ronon say, "You should have just let it go." He didn't hear Teyla's answer as he hurried out of the mess hall and toward the transporter. He didn't want to talk about those last minutes in the fortress; he didn't even want to think about them.
He entered the transporter and pressed the control to take him to his office, but apparently his subconscious mind had other ideas because when the doors opened, he found himself looking out into the hallway nearest the infirmary. He half-turned to redirect the transporter, but stepped out into the hall instead. Even though it was less than an hour since he'd called the infirmary, he figured it wouldn't do any harm to check in on Rodney in person.
When he entered the infirmary, he spotted Beckett talking to a nurse. He waited until the conversation was finished, then, striking his usual casual pose, he sauntered up to the physician.
"How's it going, Doc?" he asked.
Carson smiled at him. "I wondered how long it would be before you showed up. Rodney's doing well. I've cut back on the morphine so he should be regaining consciousness soon. I can call you when he wakes up."
"Okay," John said glancing briefly at the bed where Rodney lay. A nurse stood by his bedside writing into his chart. He maybe stared a little too long at the still figure because Carson gently patted his arm.
"I promise he'll be fine, Colonel. How are you doing?"
John cursed to himself at the question. He stepped back out of Carson's reach and smiled a falsely cheerful smile. "Great. So, um, I'd better get to work. I'll see you later."
He had just turned toward the door when he heard the nurse call, "Doctor, he's waking up."
Turning back, he followed Carson over to Rodney's bedside and watched with pounding heart as Rodney's eyes fluttered and then opened. Rodney glanced around with a look of confusion on his face, his eyes finally settling on Carson who stood next to his bed.
"Where..."
"You're safe, Rodney," Carson told him as he handed Rodney's chart back to the nurse. He looked down on his patient with kind eyes. "We brought you back home."
Rodney's eyes slid from Carson to the nurse to John, where his look lingered for a moment, and then back to Carson.
"Who are you?" he asked in a shaky voice.
~~~*~~~
Several hours later, John, along with Teyla and Ronon, met in the conference room with Elizabeth, Radek, Carson, and Kate Heightmeyer. When they were all seated, they looked expectantly at the doctor.
"Carson," Elizabeth prompted. "What did your examination show?"
Carson pushed a button on his computer and an image of a brain appeared on the large view screen placed where everyone could see. "There is no evidence of trauma to Rodney's brain. No swelling, contusions, or hematomas. It's as I originally diagnosed; there was no injury done to Rodney's head."
"Then why does he have amnesia?" John asked. He still felt the shock when he realized that Rodney didn't recognize him; didn't recognize any of them.
"It's called Dissociative Amnesia," Kate said. "It's a psychological rather than a traumatic condition.
"Basically," she continued addressing Elizabeth, "it's a defense mechanism. We know Rodney was tortured, and since Kolya took so much trouble to cause no permanent or life-threatening injury, I think we can safely assume that he wanted something that required Rodney's knowledge and skills and used the torture as a means to attempt to coerce Rodney's cooperation. If Rodney came to fear he was near to capitulation, well, if he couldn't remember anything, then he couldn't be forced to aid Kolya in his plans."
"So he made himself forget?" John asked.
"I believe so, yes. He couldn't escape from Kolya physically, but he could mentally, and so he did."
"Okay," John said, pushing away the sudden fear of what would have happened to Rodney once Kolya realized he'd be of no use. "But he's home now. Why does he still have amnesia?"
"The mind's a very complicated organ, Colonel," Carson said. "It may take a while for Rodney to believe that he's truly safe."
"What can we do?" Elizabeth asked.
"Be there for him," Kate said. "Colonel Sheppard and his team, as well as the rest of you, are probably the people closest to him. Talk to him, reintroduce him to Atlantis, show him that he is safe and back with his friends." She hesitated for a moment. "I know that you and Colonel Sheppard were angry with him because of the incident with the Ancient weapon." She looked at John. "Colonel, as his team leader and his friend, I believe Rodney values your good opinion quite highly. I hope you can put your anger aside and be there for him now."
It took all of John's control to smile at the psychologist. "Believe me, that's not a problem at all." He looked directly as Elizabeth, his eyes locking with hers. "For either Dr. Weir or myself. Right, Elizabeth?"
Elizabeth gave him a chill little smile, "Not at all. We'll do everything we can to help Rodney get better."
John tuned out as the others discussed the best way to interact with Rodney. John already knew what he was going to do. He was going to be there for Rodney. He was going to let Rodney know there was someone there that had his back. He was going to do whatever was necessary to make up for failing to keep Rodney safe. He was going to win back his trust.
~~~*~~~
When the meeting broke up, John headed directly to the infirmary, not bothering to wait for Carson who was still talking with Elizabeth and Heightmeyer.
When he got there, he smiled a little at seeing Rodney sitting up in bed rapidly spooning soup into his mouth. Coming up to the bedside he said, "Hey, Rodney."
Rodney looked up in surprise and then said, "Oh, hello, um, Colonel Sheppard."
John smiled not letting the twist in his gut show at Rodney's slight hesitation over his name. He nodded to Rodney's bowl, "No solid food, yet, huh?"
Rodney sighed sadly. "No, they said maybe tomorrow. I'll probably be dead of starvation by then, but at least I'll die surrounded by medical personnel." With a scowl, he dipped his spoon into the broth again and brought it to his mouth.
John grinned at Rodney's complaint because it sounded so... Rodney-like. Feeling a bit buoyed that the same personality was there regardless of the amnesia, John pulled up a chair and sat down. Rodney glanced at him curiously, but continued eating.
"So, did Beckett give you any timeframe of when he's going to spring you from here?"
Rodney shrugged. "Maybe tomorrow, if I keep solid food down. He says I'm not too badly hurt." One side of Rodney's mouth turned down slightly. "I'll have to take his word for it because I don't think there's a place on my body that doesn't hurt."
"Rodney," John began.
"Ah, Rodney, you are awake. Good. We have much work to do," said a voice from behind John.
John cursed under his breath and turned to see Zelenka holding a laptop and looking so falsely cheerful that John would have laughed under other circumstances. Instead he resented Zelenka's interruption. He turned back to Rodney and saw the confusion on his face.
"Rodney," John said by way of introduction, "this is your colleague, Dr. Radek Zelenka. He's one of our top scientists, and the guy that keeps things running around here when you're not available."
"Oh," Rodney said. "Um, hi."
"Yes, yes, hello. Now, if you are through stuffing your face, we have work to do. Much work has gotten behind while you were gone." Radek looked at John. "If you will excuse us, Colonel Sheppard, I must bring Rodney up to speed."
John could see the panicked confusion on Rodney's face, but he knew this was the course recommended by Dr. Heightmeyer and so he nodded and stood. He gave Rodney an encouraging smile. "I'll see you later, okay, buddy?"
The pleading look on Rodney's face almost made him stay, but he knew this was for the best. If Rodney was ever going to come back to them, he needed to recognize that he really was safely back in Atlantis. He smiled at Rodney again, gave his arm a quick squeeze of encouragement, and then turned and left fighting back the feeling that he was once again abandoning Rodney.
It was early evening before he was able to get back to see Rodney again. Even though it had been an excuse to get away from Teyla that morning, the fact was that he really did have a lot of reports to get through as well as his own to write up. After a quick meal in the mess hall eaten with Ronon who thankfully didn't ask how John was doing, he headed straight to the infirmary.
Rodney was sound asleep.
He was standing beside the bed watching Rodney sleep and noting the bruised look of exhaustion around his eyes when Beckett came up to stand beside him.
"He's doing well," Beckett said in a quiet voice.
"He looks like hell," John replied.
"Yes, well, he had a busy day today. Radek was here for several hours and by the time he left, they were arguing rather loudly." Beckett sounded pleased, and John had to smile in agreement.
"You letting him out tomorrow?" John asked.
"Aye, I think so. There's no sign of infection. We'll get him out of bed tomorrow, make sure he can get around on his own, feed him a solid meal, and if all goes well, I'll release him."
"Call me, and I'll come get him."
Carson nodded. "Of course, Colonel." With a nod, he walked away leaving John alone with Rodney.
"I'll see you tomorrow, buddy," John whispered before he turned and left the infirmary.
~~~*~~~
The call came from Beckett while John was meeting with Lorne. There was still no progress on the search for the spy, and that made both John and Lorne uneasy. Although Kolya was dead and no longer a concern, the fact that there was someone in their city who was willing to sell them out was a security threat that could not be ignored.
When John entered the infirmary, he saw Rodney sitting stiffly on the side of his bed, dressed and ready to go. He glanced up when John approached and gave him a nervous smile.
"So, I guess you're my keeper, huh?"
"Nah, I'm just your escort. Don't want you getting lost your first day out of the infirmary."
Rodney glanced down and nodded. "I'm sorry. I'm taking you away from what I'm sure is important work."
"You're taking me away from reading really boring mission reports about trade agreements for kevoss and trilium."
McKay's face lit up with surprised delight. "Ha! Errand of Mercy, right?"
John grinned back. Leave it to Rodney to forget himself but remember an old Star Trek episode. "Got it in one," he said pointing at his smiling friend.
Still smiling, Rodney jumped off the bed and then winced as his injuries were jarred. John reached out to steady him, but drew back without touching him when he heard Beckett say, "All ready to go then, are we?"
Rodney scowled at the doctor in a completely Rodney way and said, "Well, I don't know about you, but I'm ready to get out of here."
Carson smiled and said, "Good, good." He handed Rodney a small bottle of pills. "These are for pain. Take them only if you really need them. If you have any problems at all, you're to come back to the infirmary immediately. Do you understand?"
"Yes, yes," Rodney said irritably. "Can I go now?"
Carson rolled his eyes and said to John, "He certainly sounds like himself. Are we sure he really lost his memory?"
Rodney's face fell, and John glared at Carson who had the grace to look contrite. Taking Rodney gently by the arm, John tugged at him. "Come on, Rodney. Let's go."
They walked out of the infirmary side-by-side. Rodney was very quiet and John was trying to think of something to cajole him back into his happier mood when Rodney said, "I'm not lying, you know. I really don't remember."
John stopped and turned to him. "Hey, I know that. Carson was just teasing. We all believe you, Rodney."
Rodney nodded though he didn't look convinced. "I mean, I want to remember. I hate not knowing who I am, who you all are. I don't understand why I don't remember. Dr. Becket said I don't have a brain injury, which is good because I guess I'm really smart, huh?"
John smiled. "Yeah, Rodney, you're really smart. And you've been through a pretty rough experience. Dr. Heightmeyer says you'll remember soon. Just relax, okay?"
Rodney sighed. "I'll try, but to be honest, I'm really not feeling too relaxed."
John touched his shoulder, urging him to move. "You will, buddy. I promise."
They walked through the halls at a pace comfortable for Rodney. Rodney looked around as they walked taking in everything they passed with sharp curiosity. "This place is really pretty amazing, isn't it?" he asked.
John looked around seeing the familiar halls with new eyes. "Yeah, it is." They were passing by one of the doors that opened onto a balcony and turning toward it John said, "But wait 'till you see this," and led Rodney outside.
He watched as Rodney eyes grew big in wonder as he took in the towers and spires of the city of the Ancients. "That is impressive, isn't it?"
John smiled at him. "That's what you said when you saw the ocean being held back by the shields when the city was still underwater."
"Wait, what?"
John told him the story of when they first came through the stargate, of how the city had awakened at their presence, and the danger they'd faced when the ZPM had started to fail. Rodney listened in rapt attention, and it wasn't until John noticed that Rodney was looking tired and a little paler than usual that he nudged Rodney back inside and they continued their journey to Rodney's quarters.
John stood just inside the door and watched as Rodney roamed around his quarters. He stopped in front of the wall displaying his degrees and awards, but all he said was, "Huh." Walking over to the table by his bed, he picked up the picture of a cat and frowned at it before putting it back down again. He then glanced over at John and said hesitantly, "Thanks for the escort."
"Sure thing, Rodney," John said. "So, um, if you like, we could go over some old mission reports. Might help jar your memory."
"Maybe later," Rodney said. He glanced at his bed. "I think I might like to take a nap, if that's okay."
"Yeah, sure," John said feeling a bit disappointed. He really wasn't ready to leave Rodney yet, but he could see the weariness on Rodney's face. "You, uh, you want me to come get you for dinner?"
"Okay," Rodney said, giving John a small smile.
"Okay, then," John said with a grin and palmed open the door. "I'll see you in a couple hours."
"Right. Uh, thanks again."
John nodded and walked out the door, reluctantly leaving Rodney behind all alone.
~~~*~~~
Word of Rodney's amnesia had spread throughout the city, and the noise in the mess hall quieted dramatically when John and Rodney walked in. John saw Rodney glance around nervously taking note of all the curious stares.
"Come on," John said gently guiding him over to the food line. "Ronon and Teyla are waiting for us."
Rodney glanced around the mess hall quickly as if trying to find a familiar face, but then turned away, his face sad and troubled. When they had their food, John led him over to the team table. Teyla greeted them with a warm smile.
"Rodney, it is good to see you."
"Thanks, um, Teyla?" Rodney said hesitantly.
"Yes, and this is Ronon," she said indicating their large teammate. Ronon barely paused from shoving food into his mouth as he grunted a greeting. John watched in amusement as Rodney's eyes grew big as he took in the speed with which Ronon ate. With a nudge from John, Rodney set his tray on the table and they sat down side by side opposite Teyla and Ronon and began to eat.
They made small talk as they ate, and while Teyla was telling Rodney about her people, one of Rodney's scientists came up to the table with avid curiosity in his eyes and introduced himself. As if that were a signal, a steady stream of people began to come over, and John could tell that Rodney was beginning to feel a little overwhelmed. Ronon must have noticed it too, because when another group started making their way over, Ronon stared at them while fondling his dinner knife and the men veered away. After that, they were left alone.
After dinner, Ronon and Teyla left them at the transporter wishing Rodney a good night, and John walked Rodney back to his room. It was still early enough in the evening that when they reached the door, John asked, "Hey, want to watch a movie?"
Rodney considered for a moment and then smiled shyly and said, "Yeah, I'd like that."
John grinned and followed Rodney into his quarters. "Great. So, how about Back to the Future?"
Rodney turned around and crossed his arms over his chest and glared at John. "I know I have amnesia, but I'm pretty sure I hate that movie."
John tried to look apologetic, but knew he failed miserably. "Hey, can't blame a guy for trying," he said with a teasing smile.
Rodney rolled his eyes and then looked around his room. "Um, how are we supposed to watch the movie?"
"Your computer," John began but then stopped when he saw Rodney shaking his head.
"It's password protected," Rodney explained. "I, um, tried it out after my nap this afternoon, but I couldn't figure out the password."
"Oh, yeah," John said, troubled because he knew that Rodney should have been able to break his own password, amnesia or not. It was just another sign that Rodney was still not feeling safe and was hiding away from his knowledge. "I could go get my own computer," he suggested.
"Okay," Rodney said, but as John turned to go Rodney said, "Colonel, you really don't have to keep an eye on me. I promise I won't leave my room if you have something else you'd rather be doing."
John turned around and frowned at him. "Rodney, I'm not keeping an eye on you, and I don't have anything I'd rather be doing. I want to watch a movie, and I'd like to watch one with you. If you don't want my company, then just say so."
Rodney searched his face for a minute as if trying to discern the truthfulness of his words and then he smiled, one of those heart-stopping warm smiles that were far too rare. "Okay, go get your computer. But no Back to the Future."
John grinned and pointed at him. "You got it, buddy."
When he got back to Rodney's quarters, Rodney greeted him with, "I only have one chair. How are we supposed to do this?"
John shrugged casually. "We usually just sit on the bed."
"We do?" Rodney asked with wide eyes.
"Sure," John said, and sat on the side of the bed to remove his shoes. When they were off, he settled back against the wall at the head of the bed, stretched out his legs, pulled the computer onto his lap, and turned it on. While it booted up, he looked at Rodney and patted the side of the bed. "Come on, Rodney," he ordered.
Rodney swallowed nervously but then sat down and began to remove his own shoes. When he was finished, he gingerly moved back, wincing a bit in discomfort, and settled back with his broad shoulder brushing John's. At the touch, John relaxed, pressing slightly into Rodney's warmth. Rodney sat stiffly at first, but then, little by little he relaxed, and John allowed himself to press just a little bit closer. The movie was nearly over when John felt a weight on his shoulder and glanced over to see Rodney's head resting there, eyes closed, his breathing the steady rhythm of sleep. And if John's lips brushed against Rodney's soft, fine hair, well, nobody noticed, not even John.
~~~*~~~
The next afternoon, John hunted Rodney down and found him in the lab with Zelenka. At John's entrance, Rodney glanced up and his face lit up in a way that made John's heart give an odd little flutter.
Sauntering into the lab, he rested a hip against the table where the two men were working and said, "So, how's it going?"
"Rodney is being arrogant and stubborn," Zelenka with a glare at the man in question. But then he gave a small smile to John. "He is very much like normal."
Rodney crossed his arms over his chest. "Look, it's not my fault that Zelenski-"
"Zelenka," Radek snapped.
"Whatever," Rodney said with a wave of his hand. "It's not my fault that his theories are wrong, wrong, wrong, and, oh, by the way, wrong."
"You have amnesia," Zelenka yelled. "You do not know if my theories are wrong. You are just being an ass because it is your personality."
"Hey!" Rodney yelled.
"Guys, guys," John interrupted with a grin. "As entertaining as this is," he said to Radek, "I thought I'd take Rodney off your hands for a while."
Zelenka made shooing gestures with his hands. "Yes, by all means. Please take him. Keep him. Maybe with him gone I can get some work accomplished."
Rodney opened his mouth, but John grabbed his arm and pulled him toward the door. "Come on, Rodney. Let's go and grab some lunch."
As they were walking to the mess hall, Rodney said, "Do I often argue with Dr. Zelenka?"
John smirked. "Only all the time."
"Oh." Rodney looked thoughtful for a minute and then grinned. "That was fun."
John laughed. "I always suspected most of your arguments with him were because you two like getting each other riled up."
While they were eating, John said, "So, how would you like to go flying today?"
Rodney looked at him in surprise. "Flying?"
John nodded. "In a puddle jumper. We can take one out, give you a tour of the planet, and maybe I'll even let you fly it."
Rodney frowned. "What's a puddle jumper?"
"You'll see," John said.
~~~*~~~
When they were settled in, John pulled up the HUD and watched as Rodney's eyebrows rose in surprise. He studied the display for a while and then turned to John and asked in amazement, "Does this thing have space flight capability?"
John nodded proudly. "Most of the stargates are terrestrial, but occasionally we come across orbital 'gates. You and I also have a theory that the puddle jumpers can be used under water, but we haven't been able to convince Elizabeth to allow us to test our theory."
"Very impressive," Rodney said, and then he sighed. "I wish I could remember all this stuff."
John reached over and patted his hand. "You will, Rodney." Then turning his attention back to the tiny ship, he radioed, "Flight, this is Puddle Jumper One. We're ready to depart."
"You have a go, One," Chuck radioed back.
John directed the ship up and out of the city and into the bright, clear-blue sky of Lantea.
As the tiny ship glided above the frothy waves of the ocean, John watched Rodney as his eyes flicked from the view outside to the HUD, face sharp with interest. When they reached the mainland, John asked, "You ready to take over?"
"Me?" Rodney squeaked. "I don't think..."
John stood up, his hands still on the controls but his body moving back and out of the way. "Now, Rodney," he commanded. Rodney responded as he always did to that voice and slid over to take the controls. The little ship immediately began to dip toward the tree line and John yelled, "Pull up!"
Rodney pulled back on the controls, over-correcting, but almost immediately straightened out. The course he set was his usual zigzag, and John spent the next half hour or so giving directions and trying not to yell. Rodney, he decided, was never going to be an ace, but eventually he was able to fly it in a more or less straight line. After about an hour, John noticed that Rodney's face was beginning to look pinched and he kept adjusting his back and shoulders.
"Tired?" John asked.
Rodney nodded. "A little," he said with an air of apology.
John pointed to the left. "Fly over there. There's a spot near the beach we can land. We'll take a break, and then when you're ready, how about I take us into space?"
Rodney's face lit up, and he immediately pointed the jumper in the direction John had indicated.
They landed on a long stretch of beach and exited the jumper. John grabbed a blanket from one of the storage bins and spread it out on the sand in a spot that provided both sun and shade. After Rodney was settled, John pulled off his shirt and lay down on his stomach in the sunshine, closing his eyes and letting the sun's heat soak into him.
"Um, Colonel, do you have any sunblock?"
"You're in the shade, Rodney. You don't need any sunblock," John told him drowsily.
"Not for me. You shouldn't be laying out there in the sun without sunblock."
"I'm fine, Rodney."
"Mel-a-no-ma," Rodney said in a sing-song voice.
John opened one eye and looked at Rodney.
"I'm not going to get skin cancer."
"Tell that to your oncologist, Colonel."
"Fine," John said with a put upon sigh. "I'll just stay out here for fifteen minutes and then come join you in the shade. Will that be all right with you, Dr. McKay?"
One side of Rodney's mouth turned down unhappily. "I'm only trying to help."
John reached out and squeezed Rodney's thigh feeling instantly contrite. "I know, buddy. Fifteen minutes, okay?"
Rodney stared at where John's hand rested on his thigh and swallowed. "Okay," he said in a voice pitched a little high.
John pulled back his hand, closed his eyes again and relaxed, Rodney's presence next to him warm and comforting. It seemed like only a second later that he felt a hand on his shoulder shaking him gently and a voice saying, "Colonel? Colonel, you should come into the shade now."
John yawned and turned over to squint up at Rodney who was leaning over him. Rodney's eyes roamed down John's chest to his stomach and then a little lower, and then as if realizing where he was looking, his eyes snapped back to John's face, his face coloring a little. Unable to resist, John smiled lazily at him and stretched languidly, his heart beating just a little faster as Rodney eyes tracked over his chest again. "You feeling better now?"
Rodney, his face even more pink, nodded and glanced around the cove. "It's really nice here, isn't it? Do, uh, do we come here often?"
"Well," John said, propping himself up on his elbows. "I do. You, not so much. You're usually not much of a beach guy."
"Oh," Rodney said frowning. "I, uh, I thought maybe we did. Because, uh, because it's so nice here."
"I'll remind you of that when you get your memory back," John teased reaching out and brushing away some imaginary sand from Rodney's face. Rodney's eyes widened at his touch, and he dropped his hand. Sitting up, he pulled on his shirt and stood. Reaching out a hand, he hauled Rodney to his feet, then picked up the blanket and shook the sand out of it. "So," he said when he'd finished folding the blanket. "You ready to go into space?"
It was late when they finally returned to the city, and they entered a nearly empty mess hall to grab something to eat. Rodney was unusually quiet, but John figured it was because he was tired from their long afternoon. After they ate, they walked side-by-side down the hall toward the living quarters but when Rodney stopped to gaze out at the fiery sunset, John smiled and led them onto the balcony. They stood next to each other by the rail watching until all the colors had faded and the stars took their place.
John was just about ready to suggest they go back inside when Rodney said, "Colonel, can I ask you a question?"
John nodded. "Sure, Rodney."
Rodney licked his lips, gazed out at the ocean for a moment and then turning to John, he placed his hand on top of John's where it rested on the railing and asked, "Are we... are we more than just friends?"
John's heart did a little stutter-start, and he stared down at Rodney's big, warm hand on top of his. He was at a loss for a minute as to what to say, but then he gently pulled his hand out from under Rodney's.
"No, we... we've never been anything more than friends," he said.
Rodney snatched his hand back as if he'd been burned and his face turned a bright red. "I'm sorry. I thought... Well, obviously I thought wrong. I, um," he gestured to the doorway. "I'm going in now. Good night, Colonel," and before John could say anything, Rodney was gone.
"Well, shit," John muttered.
~~~*~~~~
He stood by the railing for several minutes trying to decide what to do, but at last he went inside and headed for Rodney's quarters. He knew he'd fucked up badly with his flirting on the beach, and as much as he wasn't looking forward to the upcoming conversation, he knew he couldn't just let things lie as they were. He was pretty sure that confusing your straight, amnesic friend about his sexual orientation was not what Beckett and Heightmeyer had in mind when they'd asked John to help Rodney reorient.
When he reached Rodney's door, he hesitated for a moment, then drew in a deep breath and passed his hand over the door chime. He waited and then rang the chime again. He was fairly certain that Rodney was inside, and if he had to, he'd start pounding on the door until Rodney opened up. However, he was saved from having to cause a potentially embarrassing scene when the door opened and an obviously discomforted Rodney stood there.
"Colonel Sheppard, I'm sorry that I..."
"We need to talk," John interrupted and pushed his way in.
Rodney stood by the door nervously wiping his hands on his thighs, but then he stepped away from the door and let it close.
"Rodney," John began, "I'm sorry if I've given you the impression-"
"You touch me," Rodney said, cutting in. "You're always touching me. And you let me fall asleep with my head on your shoulder last night, and you... you smile at me. A lot. And you look at me like.... I don't know, like I'm someone special to you."
John blinked. "Oh."
"I just thought that maybe we were more than just friends because... because when you look at like that and then touch me, I feel... I feel like we're not just friends."
John stared at him, his mind scrambling with what to say in answer to that. Jesus, he'd had no idea he'd been that obvious with how he felt about Rodney, but now he really needed to defuse the situation. All he could come up with was, "You like girls, Rodney."
Rodney considered his words for a minute and nodded, "Yes, I think you're right."
John sighed in relief. That had been easier than he'd hoped. "So, we're okay now? You get that you were just a little confused?"
Rodney scowled and crossed his arms over his chest. "Fine."
"What? You're mad now?"
"Colonel, if we're not involved and you're really not interested, although I think you are, then just say so. But please don't act like I got 'confused'," he crooked his fingers in air quotes, "because of my amnesia."
"Well you never got 'confused'," John air-quoted back to him, "before you got amnesia."
"So you're saying you always touch and smile and look at me like that?"
John hesitated. "Okay, maybe I've touched you more than usual but it was because I was glad we got you back, not because we're involved."
Rodney blinked. "Oh." He stood with a thoughtful look on his face. "So you're not interested in me that way?"
John hesitated just a second too long in answering and Rodney got a smug look on his face. Before John could even react, Rodney walked up to him, grabbed his face in both hands and kissed him. It was a very determined kiss, focused in the way that only Rodney could focus. John tried to jerk back, but Rodney was having none of that and deepened the kiss, his mouth opening and his tongue licking across John's lips. John's cock hardened embarrassingly fast.
John fought against it though, because Rodney couldn't really want this. But then Rodney moved his hands down to John's hip and pulled him in tight. John groaned as he felt Rodney's erection press against his hip and pushed back rubbing his own erection against Rodney's stomach.
Rodney pulled back a bit and grinned. "I think maybe I'm not that confused."
John groaned again, and pressed his forehead to Rodney's. "Rodney, we can't do this."
"Why not?"
"Because you don't remember anything. Because we've never done this. Because you've never once acted like you wanted to do this."
"Have you ever wanted to do this?" Rodney asked in a whisper.
"No," John said emphatically. At the look on Rodney's face, he sighed and said, "Maybe. But, Rodney, listen to me. You haven't."
"You can't know that, not for sure. Maybe I just didn't know you wanted to do it," Rodney said and kissed John again, a scorching kiss that consumed John.
When they broke away, John was gasping for breath. "Jesus, Rodney, don't do this."
"John," Rodney said breathlessly, his thumbs caressing the side of John's face. "Please, I do want this. I want you." He kissed John again, and John cursed himself for his weakness even as he gave in, opening up to Rodney's questing tongue, allowing himself to taste, to feel, to need.
When the kiss ended, he slid to his knees and began to unfasten Rodney's pants with shaking hands. When they were open, he tugged pants and shorts down, and pressed his face against the wiry curls at Rodney's groin, breathing him in. He heard Rodney whisper his name as his hand cupped the back of John's head. Turning his head slightly, John licked at Rodney's erection tasting the soft, smooth skin, and then he leaned back just enough to draw the tip into his mouth and suck lightly.
Rodney's hips bucked just a bit and John wrapped his hand around the shaft to steady it as he slid his mouth further down until the head of Rodney's cock almost touched the back of his throat. He pulled back again, sucking, and then slid down, again and again, establishing a rhythm that had Rodney gasping in pleasure.
He became lost in his own pleasure as he worked Rodney's cock with his mouth. This was so much better than anything he'd dreamed. He was aware of Rodney's hands on his head, of the exhalations of hitching breaths, of the tension building in Rodney's body. He looked up and watched Rodney watching him. With Rodney's eyes wild and nearly black locked on his, he released Rodney's cock from his mouth and began to stroke hard and fast, running the palm of his hand over the sensitive tip and then grasping the shaft firmly again and jacking Rodney until his breaths became hitched and desperate. It was the hottest thing ever to see Rodney's flushed face and dilated eyes, his mouth opened and panting. John took Rodney in again, his eyes never leaving Rodney's face, and sucked harder, swirling his tongue over the head again and again until at last Rodney cried out, threw his head back, thrust his hips forward, and came.
John swallowed and sucked until Rodney pushed weakly against his shoulders, and then he released the softening cock and sat back on his heels. Rodney slid down to his knees, gasping for breath. He looked at John with glazed eyes and then he grabbed John's face and kissed him, hot and wild, his tongue licking his own taste out of John's mouth. He pushed John onto his back and crawled over onto him still kissing him breathless. With hot desperate hands, he pushed up John's shirt and kissed his way down John's stomach. John grabbed at Rodney's shoulders and pulled him back up.
"Rodney, you don't have to do this."
Rodney kissed him again, two hard, sharp kisses and said, "Shut up. I want to. Shut up." He pulled back, and began to open John's pants. When the final button was released, he tugged them down and then his mouth was hot and wet and, god, so good on John's cock, his big, warm hand wrapped around John's shaft, stroking and driving him to the edge. John closed his eyes and gave it up, too hard, too excited, too close to last. Rodney didn't release him until he was completely wrung out.
When it was over, Rodney crawled up to lie beside John on the floor. "Ow," he said as he stretched out on his back.
John looked over at him worriedly. "You okay?"
"Back hurts," he said and smiled at John. "Maybe we should move this to the bed."
John stared up at the ceiling and then with a sigh he pulled up his pants and got up. Holding out a hand, he hauled Rodney to his feet and then led him over to the bed. As they undressed, stopping occasionally to trade sweet, languid kisses, John knew there'd be time enough for regrets tomorrow, but not tonight. Tonight was going to be theirs.
~~~*~~~
It was still dark when John snuck out of Rodney's quarters, and he felt like a coward for not waking Rodney before he left, but John had a lot to think about and he needed time alone to do it.
He'd most likely just destroyed the best friendship he'd ever had. Regardless of what Rodney had said last night, John couldn't imagine that Rodney would ever forgive him for what had happened once he regained his memory. If there was one thing that was as immutable as the motions of planets, it was Rodney's heterosexuality. And all evidence to the contrary, no matter how much John might wish otherwise, last night was an aberration caused by Rodney's amnesia, not the beginning of a life partnership. Somehow, John was going to have to try and come up with a way to make it right with Rodney again. He just had no idea how he was going to do that.
When John reached his quarters, he quickly changed clothes and went on a long run. He avoided the places he usually ran with Ronon, needing time alone to sort things out, but by the time he got back to his quarters, he wasn't any closer to a solution then he'd been when he'd left.
He showered and changed, and then, knowing he couldn't avoid the meeting forever, headed to Rodney's quarters. There was no answer when he rang the chime, and when John palmed open the door, he found the quarters empty. He felt a rush of panic, but he forced himself to calm down and headed for the mess hall. If he didn't find Rodney there, he'd try the labs. There was no reason to believe that anything had happened to Rodney, but the knowledge that they hadn't yet found their spy made it hard for him to remain calm.
He felt a rush of relief when he spotted Rodney sitting at a table with Ronon and Teyla. Grabbing his own breakfast tray, he went over to join his friends.
"Good morning, Colonel," Teyla greeted him.
John smiled at her, nodded at Ronon, and said to Rodney, "I stopped by your quarters, but you were already gone."
Rodney frowned. "Was I supposed to wait for you there? I thought since I know my way to the mess hall that it'd be okay to come here on my own."
"Yeah, sure, Rodney. I guess I just thought you'd wait for me."
"Well, since you didn't say anything to me before you left my quarters, how was I supposed to know?" Rodney said just a bit acerbically.
John felt his face flush and hoped his teammates hadn't heard the implied, 'this morning' in Rodney's statement. He flashed a warning glance at Rodney which earned him a scowl and an eyeroll in return.
Rodney finished scooping the last of his oatmeal into his mouth, slurped down the last of his coffee, and rose. "Well, I'm off to meet with Dr. Zelenka. I'll see everyone later," and then he was gone.
John thought about following him and talking to him about the previous night, but since he still hadn't figured out exactly what to say, in the end he took the coward's way out and continued to eat his breakfast.
He was still on the fence about how to handle the situation with Rodney when he entered the control room later that day on his way to Elizabeth's office for a meeting. He stopped when he saw Zelenka bent over a console and a pair of feet sticking out from underneath. John would have recognized those feet anywhere.
"If you're trying to hide the body, Radek," John joked, "you're not doing a very good job of it."
Radek flashed him a quick smile, and an irritated, "Oh, ha, ha," came from under the console.
"Is he ready to start working on the equipment again?" John asked Radek in concern.
Radek shrugged. "He is only switching out some crystals, something even a child could do. He should be able to handle it."
"He is also able to hear you," Rodney snapped. John and Radek exchanged grins and then Rodney ordered, "Try it now, Radek." Zelenka typed several commands into his keyboard. Data began scrolling over the monitor, and Zelenka said, "Yes, it is working now, Rodney."
Rodney scooted out from the console and stood up flashing a quick, shy smile at John before leaning over Radek's shoulder to read the data flow. John relaxed a bit. Apparently he'd been forgiven for sneaking out of Rodney's room that morning.
"Oh, John, there you are," Elizabeth said from behind him. He turned to see Ronon and Teyla behind her waiting for him to come to the meeting when the alarm sounded. They all turned their attention to the gate room as the wormhole opened. Chuck listened intently to his transmitter and then said, "It's an Athosian IDC. Mabyn."
"Lower the shield," Elizabeth ordered.
"Mabyn?" John said with a frown.
"Yes," Teyla said coming to stand beside John. "He has been off-world for over two weeks visiting with an old friend. I had begun to worry about him."
A man of middle years entered into the gate room, and it was the look of surprise on his face when he spotted Rodney on the upper level that gave John his first suspicion. "He's been gone over two weeks?" he asked Teyla. "Before McKay was taken?"
Teyla looked at him sharply and answered, "Yes. But John you don't believe..."
"Why don't we have a little talk with Mabyn," John interrupted, "and see who all he's been meeting with while on vacation." He gestured to the Marines on duty to intercept the new arrival.
Mabyn had been walking quickly out of the gate room, but when the Marines begin to approach him, a panicked look came over his face and he started to run. He didn't get far before he was overpowered and dragged to stand before Elizabeth and John.
They brought him into the conference room for questioning, two large Marines standing guard behind him, two more at the door, and Ronon sitting across from him with arms folded staring at him with ice-cold eyes. It didn't take long for him to break under interrogation.
"I was visiting with my friend, and he brought to me a man who told me that his Commander was interested in obtaining information regarding Atlantis and Dr. McKay." He glanced nervously around the table as he spoke, not meeting anyone's eyes. "I agreed to provide him with information should I learn anything of interest. Shortly after, Halling asked me to accompany Dr. Haglund when he came to the mainland to harvest certain plants he believed to have medicinal purposes.
"Dr. Haglund was very friendly and talkative and mentioned to me that he was going to go off-world for the first time to perform a botanical survey. He was very excited at the prospect. I was able to learn from him which planet, and I made arrangements to travel through the Ring of the Ancestors and leave word for my contact."
"Why, Mabyn?" Teyla asked, the distress in her voice evident. "Why would you betray our friends?"
Mabyn sneered at her, forgetting his fear in his disdain for her question. "They are not our friends, daughter of Tagan. It is because of them that we have lost our home and do not even have access to the Ring without their permission. They disregard our beliefs and mock us. We, a once proud people, have been reduced to children begging crumbs from another's table."
"That is not so!" Teyla cried. "They are our friends and allies against the Wraith."
"They woke the Wraith!" Mabyn yelled half standing from his chair only to be forcefully pushed back down. "Because of them I have lost my wife, my child! The Genii Commander promised me he would rid the City of the Ancestors of these interlopers and would give it to us, the people who have suffered the loss of so much because of them."
"You cannot be so foolish as to believe that Kolya would have turned the riches of Atlantis over to our people," Teyla insisted.
"He wished only to take the supplies and armaments of the intruders, to make use of their learned men and women. He assured me that he had no need of the city itself."
Rodney had been sitting at the table, white-faced, as he listened to Mabyn's story, and for the first time he spoke up.
"He was lying to you."
"No," Mabyn insisted. "He would have..."
"He probably would have killed all of you after he killed us." Rodney looked at Elizabeth and John. "I remember now." He lifted a trembling hand to his face and rubbed his mouth. "Kolya wanted to take over Atlantis and turn it over to the Genii people. It was his plan to oust Cowen as leader and take his place. He wanted me because he suspected I'd be able to override the code that kept the shield in place over the stargate. When I refused to do it, he..." Rodney shrugged. "Well, you know what he did."
John was staring at the visibly shaking man, barely holding himself back from going over to Rodney and gathering him up in his arms.
"You lie," Mabyn said, though he was beginning to look less convinced.
"He does not," Teyla said sadly. "You have been duped, Mabyn. Kolya preyed upon your grief and anger and turned you into a traitor to our friends and our people. Because of you, Dr. Haglund and two other good men are dead. Because of you, Dr. McKay has suffered torture and was nearly lost to us forever. I do not know what the Atlanteans will wish to do, but I will request a meeting of the council and call for a Repudiation."
"No!" Mabyn yelled, half standing. "What I did, I did for our people!"
"No," Teyla said sharply. "You acted out of your own need for vengeance without regard to our people." Standing up, she turned her back on Mabyn and walked out of the conference room.
Mabyn stared at the doorway where she had exited and said is a barely discernable whisper, "I did it for our people."
~~~*~~~
It was several hours later that John stood outside of Rodney's quarters, once again hesitating before knocking. After John had ordered Mabyn taken to a cell, Rodney had gone straight to see Heightmeyer, and John had flown Teyla over to the mainland where he'd waited while the Council of Repudiation was called.
When Teyla at last exited the meeting, she came over to John and said, "It is done. It has been determined that since Mabyn's actions harmed your people, we will allow his punishment to be set by you and Elizabeth. Our only request is that even though he is no longer an Athosian and has caused great harm to your people, we beg that you do not put him to death."
"Elizabeth would never have ordered that," John assured her. "I'm sorry it turned out this way, Teyla," he said sympathetically.
"As am I, John. I did not believe one of my people would do such a thing, and I am saddened to learn that I was wrong."
John nodded and led the way to the jumper. The flight back to Atlantis was a silent one.
They had parted company outside the jumper bay, Teyla briefly touching her forehead to his, and now John stood outside of Rodney's door and wondered if it was a mistake to see him tonight. Rodney may need some time alone, but John hated the thought of Rodney facing all his memories by himself. Deciding that if Rodney wanted to be left alone, he'd let John know, John sounded the door chime. Only a few seconds passed before the door slid open, and a pale, tired-looking Rodney stood there, eyes red-rimmed and hair disheveled as if he'd been running his hands through it repeatedly.
"Sheppard," he said, and stood back allowing John entrance into his quarters.
John entered and the door closed behind him. "How are you doing, Rodney?" he asked.
Rodney shrugged. "All right, I guess. Heightmeyer's scheduled several appointments with me, but I'll be okay. How's Teyla?"
"Sad, upset, feeling betrayed," John said, carefully watching Rodney. "Guilty."
"Yeah," Rodney said. He sat down on the end of his bed, planted his elbows on his knees, and rubbed his face tiredly with his hands. John felt his throat tighten at the look of defeat on Rodney's face.
"Rodney?"
Rodney sighed and looked up at John, his eyes glassy with unshed tears. "I almost did it again, you know."
John came and sat beside Rodney. "Did what, buddy?"
Rodney stared at the floor. "I almost gave Kolya what he wanted." He looked up at John again, his face full of distress. "I tried, John. I wanted you to see I could be trusted again, but..." He swallowed and looked away again.
"God, Rodney," John said, feeling sick. "I trust you. I always have."
Rodney looked at him, disbelief in his eyes. "You said-"
"I'm an ass, okay? I never should have said you needed to earn my trust back. We were both wrong that day." When Rodney still didn't look like he believed him, John grabbed his face with both hands and said, "We were both wrong."
Rodney stared into his eyes and then nodded. John dropped his hands. It was his turn to stare at the floor. "I'm sorry I wasn't there with you to protect you," he said voicing the guilt that had been eating at him for so long.
Rodney stared at him in shock. "Are you nuts? Christ, John, if you'd been there, Kolya would have killed you. Probably slowly while I watched. I'm sorry about Haglund and the others, but I'm glad you weren't there."
"Rodney's it's my job to protect you."
"It's your job to protect Atlantis, not just me. Although admittedly, I'm a very important part of Atlantis." John looked at him and saw the tentative smile on his face and knew he'd been trying to tease John with that last statement. John knocked his shoulder up against Rodney's and smiled back at him, and the worst of the tension broke.
"So, you're going to be all right?"
Rodney nodded. "Yeah, I'll be okay."
John felt the beginning of relief at Rodney's words. Maybe they'd both be all right. He stood up. "I should probably go and let you get some rest," he said, but even as he said it, he glanced at Rodney's bed and remembered what it had felt like to lay on that too small bed last night and hold Rodney while he slept.
As if reading his mind, Rodney licked his lips nervously and said, "You don't have to leave."
"Rodney..."
Rodney stood up quickly and said, "No, wait, before you say anything, tell me something, okay?"
John had a feeling he should run out of this room as quickly as possible, but instead he said, "Okay."
"Did you really want me last night, or were you just trying to be nice?"
John frowned. "Are you asking me if that was a pity fuck?"
Rodney shrugged. "Well, yeah."
John raked his hand through his hair. "It was... it was... shit, Rodney, I don't know what it was other than a mistake."
"I see," Rodney said quietly looking away.
"No, you don't see," John said. "I should never have allowed it to go where it did last night. You weren't yourself, and..."
"Oh, for god's sake," Rodney said impatiently. "Don't use that excuse again. I told you last night that I knew what I was doing and what I wanted, and that hasn't changed. So don't blame me if you did something you didn't really want to do."
"I didn't say I didn't want to do it," John snapped back.
Rodney blinked. "Oh," he said, and then he smiled. "Well, if you wanted to do it and I wanted to do it, what are we arguing about? Unless it's the military thing? Because if you're worried about that, well, I can be discreet." At John's look of disbelief, he said, "Hey, I've been working on top secret projects for nearly twenty years! I can be discreet."
John smiled at him and then shook his head in confusion. This wasn't at all what he'd expected from Rodney once he got his memory back. "You're straight, Rodney," he finally said because it all came back to that fact. Rodney McKay liked hot, curvaceous blondes, and John was neither curvaceous nor a blonde.
"My sexuality has, on occasion, been negotiable," Rodney said with a grin, but then he sobered again and said with a sincerity John seldom saw in Rodney, "And when it comes to you, well, there's no negotiation necessary. I want you, and I have for a long time. And I really hope that last night means you want me too."
John stared at Rodney trying to wrap his mind around Rodney's words, and then he grabbed Rodney, pulled him roughly to him, and kissed him until they were both light-headed and panting for breath.
They fumbled with each other's clothing, kissing and touching, biting and licking away the sting. Naked at last, they fell onto the bed and into each other's arms. John craved Rodney's touch and he crawled on top of Rodney, both of them groaning at the feel of skin on skin. John licked his way into Rodney's mouth, tasting desire and need and Rodney, and when Rodney's hands slid down his back and grabbed his ass, pulling them tightly together, John began to thrust into the softness of Rodney's belly. Needing more, he pulled away just enough to line up their cocks and gathered them in his hand. Rodney's eyes grew big as he watched John stroke them together.
"God, that's so hot," Rodney breathed and reached up to pull John's head down for another wet, sloppy kiss. John let go of their cocks and lowered his body onto Rodney's again, thrusting wildly into Rodney's sweat-slicked stomach, his cock sliding against Rodney's. Rodney wrapped his legs around him and began thrusting back and the pleasure was almost too much and yet not enough. He wrapped his hands around Rodney's shoulders adding even more leverage and thrust harder. John was close when he felt Rodney pulsing under him, felt the slickness of Rodney's come on his stomach, and it took only a few more thrusts before he came with a low, throaty moan.
Later, after they had cleaned up and were curled around each other, satiated and sharing sleepy kisses, John felt a sense of contentment unlike any he'd ever had before. He hadn't even realized when he had been searching for Rodney to bring him home, that in Rodney's arms he'd find his own way home.
The End