Charter Communications Sucks a Giant, Hairy Dick part 9,378
Continuing my hopefully soon-to-be-ending saga against the worst cable company in the nation. Seriously, all you people on other cable companies bitching about your service? FUCK YOU! YOU DON'T KNOW HOW GOOD YOU HAVE IT!
This little saga actually started months ago when my Showtime On Demand stopped working. Given that they pick through the absolute worst of the movies and make them available on demand, I didn't care too much, although it was a little obnoxious to miss Weeds and Californication. Of more pressing concern was a couple of weeks ago when I was scrolling through the channels. If you use the guide, every channel is shown. If you just use the up and down arrows, it will only browse the available channels. 771, ESPN2, college basketball. Yawn. Wake me when it's March. 773, ESPN, college basketball. No wonder no one watches ESPN anymore. 775, HD Theather, wait what the fuck? What the hell happened to 774? Did they move NESN on me? Dogdammit, there's probably a Bruins game on! The Bruins are good this year. It happens every 30 years like clockwork! Check the guide, there it is! Type in 7-7-4 with the numbers, it switches to it. "This channel is not available, please contact Charter if you would like it added."
Oh. Fuck. No. This channel has been available on the basic HD package since I got my damned big fucking TV. Flip to NESN non-HD, there's the game in crappy non-HD! Seriously, I don't know how you people just don't kill yourselves when you turn on your shitty TVs. No mom and dad, I don't want to come over to watch the game BECAUSE YOUR TV SUCKS! Anyway, a quick phone call to a friend and die-hard Red Sox fan, HE gets the channel? Dogdammit. Now I have to go through the unplugging process to see if it comes back. Nope! Well there's 5 minutes of my life I'll never get back. Better call Charter and see if there's anything I can do. I get a helpful gentleman on the phone. It seems they've had this issue once or twice before. Or every 7 minutes or so. He has me run through the reset process. Fucking great. Fantastic. It won't work, but what the hell, right? We try it, it doesn't work, and syas he's going to set up a service appointment. I'm on hold, the next thing I know I'm getting the automated message telling me about the rules for keeping my appointment. Wait, WHAT appointment? Fuck, when is it? Message repeats...no date! Dogdammit! Hang up. Take 2. Or 3. Whatever.
So I call back, get an automated message this time that won't push me through unless I go through the reset process AGAIN! Well gee, I've only done it twice tonight, why not? It runs you through the steps then prompts you to say keep waiting if you're not done with a step. The funny part? It takes a good 5 minutes for the cable box to reset after it unplugs. The automated message asks you if it's back EVERY 15 SECONDS or so. "If your cable box is back on, please say continue. If not please say keep waiting." "Keep waiting." "Would you like to hang up and call back or would you like to keep waiting?" "KEEP WAITING!" "There's no need to shout, I'm only a computer." "FUCK YOU!" "YOU'RE MOTHER'S A WHORE!" "What?" "Uh, would you like to hang up and call back or would you like to keep waiting?" "...Keep waiting?" Eventually, the process completes, and as expected, the channel is not available, so I get passed through to a human.
The human...HAS ME RUN THROUGH THE PROCESS AGAIN! Oh sure, the first 3 times it didn't work, so this time it's bound to, right? RIGHT? 5 minutes later, no NESN HD. So she pulls out this gem. "Oh, well we're having problems with that channel in your area. Try again tomorrow and call back if it's still not working." Thanks, bitch.
Fast forward 2 weeks when I finally have 1/2 an hour to waste on the cable company. I call back, explain the problem, explain that a reset won't work so...they have me reset again. Great. Fucking fantastic. Guess what happens this time? IT DOESN'T WORK! Who knew that would happen? Oh yeah, ME. Ok, sir, no problem we'll have someone come out Monday afternoon. Perfect, I like working from home, especially in the afternoons. While I have you on the phone, would you like to pay us more money for HBO and Cinemax? Uh, no. How about phone service? Yeah, no.
Now it's Monday. Are you bored yet? Yeah, me too. Tough shit. Now it's Monday. The Charter guy comes out, asks if I've tried the reset. Yeah, like 5 times, it doesn't work. Ok, no problem I'm just gonna try a reset cause, you know, we think you're retarded. Great, thanks, I'm glad I put pants on for this. Obviously the reset doesn't work, and the fucker has the temerity to looks surprised. No asshole, I was joking about the 5 times I tried it! Dick. He calls up his people asks if there's some weird hold on the channel. Nope. Well maybe it's the box, he has a new one in the truck. Great, does it have HDMI outputs because this fucking antique doesn't and I'd like to limit the mess of wires behind my entertainment center? Sure, no problem. He comes back, hooks up the new box, I have to dig around for my old remotes because the universal won't switch to the right input for the TV. That's weird, how come HDMI2 won't come in? We try everything, nothing works, we go back through the components. Hey, guess what? The box has a faulty HDMI output! Great. I expect nothing more, sadly. But hey, look at that, the channel's back! Thanks!
Finally we arrive at this morning. I've been enjoying my Bruins and college hockey games in spectacular HD. Seriously, there's no point in watching regular definition TV anymore. I get an e-mail letting me know my bill has arrived. What the hell? It's like $30 more expensive than last month's! Where did the charge come from? Oh. My. DOG! They charged me $35 for that fucker to come out and give me a new cable box because their piece of shit broke? HELL no! I immediately place a call to a DirecTV installation service that does condos and apartments. I've been meaning to call them anyway. I leave a message, tell em to call me back. I call up Charter with some leverage. Listen fuckers, this shit will not stand. YOUR shoddy equipment broke and I lost a channel I was paying for. I'm not paying EXTRA to get it back! The fucker on the other end drags his feet but capitulates. While he's going through the closing spiel, my cell phone rings. That's right, I missed a call from the satellite guys because I was on the phone with Charter. You know what? FUCK YOU GUYS! Baseball season starts the beginning of April (FINALLY). I fully expect to be watching the Mets in HD when it does.
This little saga actually started months ago when my Showtime On Demand stopped working. Given that they pick through the absolute worst of the movies and make them available on demand, I didn't care too much, although it was a little obnoxious to miss Weeds and Californication. Of more pressing concern was a couple of weeks ago when I was scrolling through the channels. If you use the guide, every channel is shown. If you just use the up and down arrows, it will only browse the available channels. 771, ESPN2, college basketball. Yawn. Wake me when it's March. 773, ESPN, college basketball. No wonder no one watches ESPN anymore. 775, HD Theather, wait what the fuck? What the hell happened to 774? Did they move NESN on me? Dogdammit, there's probably a Bruins game on! The Bruins are good this year. It happens every 30 years like clockwork! Check the guide, there it is! Type in 7-7-4 with the numbers, it switches to it. "This channel is not available, please contact Charter if you would like it added."
Oh. Fuck. No. This channel has been available on the basic HD package since I got my damned big fucking TV. Flip to NESN non-HD, there's the game in crappy non-HD! Seriously, I don't know how you people just don't kill yourselves when you turn on your shitty TVs. No mom and dad, I don't want to come over to watch the game BECAUSE YOUR TV SUCKS! Anyway, a quick phone call to a friend and die-hard Red Sox fan, HE gets the channel? Dogdammit. Now I have to go through the unplugging process to see if it comes back. Nope! Well there's 5 minutes of my life I'll never get back. Better call Charter and see if there's anything I can do. I get a helpful gentleman on the phone. It seems they've had this issue once or twice before. Or every 7 minutes or so. He has me run through the reset process. Fucking great. Fantastic. It won't work, but what the hell, right? We try it, it doesn't work, and syas he's going to set up a service appointment. I'm on hold, the next thing I know I'm getting the automated message telling me about the rules for keeping my appointment. Wait, WHAT appointment? Fuck, when is it? Message repeats...no date! Dogdammit! Hang up. Take 2. Or 3. Whatever.
So I call back, get an automated message this time that won't push me through unless I go through the reset process AGAIN! Well gee, I've only done it twice tonight, why not? It runs you through the steps then prompts you to say keep waiting if you're not done with a step. The funny part? It takes a good 5 minutes for the cable box to reset after it unplugs. The automated message asks you if it's back EVERY 15 SECONDS or so. "If your cable box is back on, please say continue. If not please say keep waiting." "Keep waiting." "Would you like to hang up and call back or would you like to keep waiting?" "KEEP WAITING!" "There's no need to shout, I'm only a computer." "FUCK YOU!" "YOU'RE MOTHER'S A WHORE!" "What?" "Uh, would you like to hang up and call back or would you like to keep waiting?" "...Keep waiting?" Eventually, the process completes, and as expected, the channel is not available, so I get passed through to a human.
The human...HAS ME RUN THROUGH THE PROCESS AGAIN! Oh sure, the first 3 times it didn't work, so this time it's bound to, right? RIGHT? 5 minutes later, no NESN HD. So she pulls out this gem. "Oh, well we're having problems with that channel in your area. Try again tomorrow and call back if it's still not working." Thanks, bitch.
Fast forward 2 weeks when I finally have 1/2 an hour to waste on the cable company. I call back, explain the problem, explain that a reset won't work so...they have me reset again. Great. Fucking fantastic. Guess what happens this time? IT DOESN'T WORK! Who knew that would happen? Oh yeah, ME. Ok, sir, no problem we'll have someone come out Monday afternoon. Perfect, I like working from home, especially in the afternoons. While I have you on the phone, would you like to pay us more money for HBO and Cinemax? Uh, no. How about phone service? Yeah, no.
Now it's Monday. Are you bored yet? Yeah, me too. Tough shit. Now it's Monday. The Charter guy comes out, asks if I've tried the reset. Yeah, like 5 times, it doesn't work. Ok, no problem I'm just gonna try a reset cause, you know, we think you're retarded. Great, thanks, I'm glad I put pants on for this. Obviously the reset doesn't work, and the fucker has the temerity to looks surprised. No asshole, I was joking about the 5 times I tried it! Dick. He calls up his people asks if there's some weird hold on the channel. Nope. Well maybe it's the box, he has a new one in the truck. Great, does it have HDMI outputs because this fucking antique doesn't and I'd like to limit the mess of wires behind my entertainment center? Sure, no problem. He comes back, hooks up the new box, I have to dig around for my old remotes because the universal won't switch to the right input for the TV. That's weird, how come HDMI2 won't come in? We try everything, nothing works, we go back through the components. Hey, guess what? The box has a faulty HDMI output! Great. I expect nothing more, sadly. But hey, look at that, the channel's back! Thanks!
Finally we arrive at this morning. I've been enjoying my Bruins and college hockey games in spectacular HD. Seriously, there's no point in watching regular definition TV anymore. I get an e-mail letting me know my bill has arrived. What the hell? It's like $30 more expensive than last month's! Where did the charge come from? Oh. My. DOG! They charged me $35 for that fucker to come out and give me a new cable box because their piece of shit broke? HELL no! I immediately place a call to a DirecTV installation service that does condos and apartments. I've been meaning to call them anyway. I leave a message, tell em to call me back. I call up Charter with some leverage. Listen fuckers, this shit will not stand. YOUR shoddy equipment broke and I lost a channel I was paying for. I'm not paying EXTRA to get it back! The fucker on the other end drags his feet but capitulates. While he's going through the closing spiel, my cell phone rings. That's right, I missed a call from the satellite guys because I was on the phone with Charter. You know what? FUCK YOU GUYS! Baseball season starts the beginning of April (FINALLY). I fully expect to be watching the Mets in HD when it does.