(no subject)
And If It Never Ends (Then When Do We Start)
"Yes Mal?" Inara smiled softly knowing the captain had thought himself stealthy as he walked onto her shuttle. And it truly was her shuttle again. The walls were draped in rich fabrics and many of her personal things were back in their place.
"Ah. Inara. Just checking to make sure you were settling in okay." He looked around the shuttle. "Appears to be the case."
"Yes. It still feels like I live here. Although I think Jayne may have done something to rid it of the incense smell."
"I think he did at that. Best not to think 'bout what that would've been."
"No. Best not." Inara smiled and sat down on the edge of her bed. "Was there anything else?"
"No. Supper's still at the usual time. Kaylee said she was makin' something special tonight, now that we're back together and not being chased by anyone."
"It makes for a welcome change."
Mal met her smile with and easy one of his own. "Well I guess I'll leave you be. I'm sure you've got more decorating and incensing to do." His eyes slid over to the comm screen. "Or I guess maybe you'll be gettin' back to work." The smile was gone from his face.
"Mal."
"Don't let me interrupt. You've got a livin' to make, just like us."
"Mal please don't start this."
"I ain't startin' nothin' Inara. You're back now and I guess that means business as usual. By the way, how is business going to be for a Companion who nearly blew up the training house?"
"Don't turn that around on me Mal. I did that to save you. Although right now I can't remember why I would do such a thing."
Mal looked around the shuttle. "Maybe Jayne's right. Maybe it's better in here the other way. That way I can pretend you aren't, well. I know how you hate that word."
Tears slid down Inara's face.
"I can't be anything other than what I am, Mal."
"But you're so much more than this," Mal said his jaw set in an angry line.
"I'm not." She motioned around her. "This, all of this that you hate, this is me."
The words stayed in the air between them and for a long moment Mal thought that maybe he should just let the walls build back up between them.
He reached out, almost touching her face before letting his hand fall.
"I don't hate you. Things'd be a might easier if I could."
Inara smiled sadly. "Yes. They probably would."
"But I don't want to hate you Inara. I want…" Mal's voice trailed off.
"What do you want Mal? For once just tell me what you really feel instead of hiding it all away."
Mal's bitter laughter bounced off the shuttle walls.
"Hiding? Me? Well, I guess you'd know a thing or two about that. I've never pushed you about what you're hiding from, but you can't stand there and tell me that you ain't. You hide from the outside world here on my boat, and when things get to be too much you run for the training house. Try to tell me different and I'll surely know it's a lie."
"Well then I guess there's no use for me to try and refute your ridiculous theory. Really Mal, I don't know where you get these ideas of yours."
Mal stared at her in disbelief. Finally he shook his head and walked towards the door of the shuttle. Inara thought that her heart might break at the plaintive tone in his voice.
"How many more times we gonna have this fight?"
He was long gone when she finally answered.
"When have we ever stopped?"
**
Mal strode into the cockpit. "River!" he bellowed.
"River ain't here, sir."
Mal stopped short. Zoe sat in the pilot's chair, idly picking up and setting down the plastic dinosaurs that no one seemed to be able to move from the console.
"Where is she?" Mal watched as her fingers caressed the controls and ghosted over the switches.
"In the kitchen helping Kaylee with dinner. Although, helping might be too strong a word."
"Are you?"
"Serenity's on auto-pilot. River set the course."
"Okay. I'm just gonna go," he watched as she picked up the dinosaurs again and made them walk across the nav screen. "What are you doing?"
"Remembering."
They hadn't talked about Wash. The funeral was the closest any of them had gotten to speaking about it, but mostly they were all too beaten and worn out to say anything real. Zoe wouldn't have let them had they tried, so it didn't really matter anyway.
Mal turned to go.
"He's still here. Everywhere. River leaves me alone up here sometimes so I can spend time with my memories." She smiled sadly. "It's what I have left sir."
"I know it's a poor substitute, but you still have us."
"I appreciate that sir. Someday I may even be able to thank you for it." She paused. "Sir?"
"What?"
"Don't push her away. She leaves again, you might not get her back."
Zoe turned back to look out at the stars. Mal left quietly, his head spinning with her words.
*
Mal caught Inara just outside her shuttle. She eyed him warily.
"Another round before dinner?"
He smiled at that. "No. Thought I might go for something different tonight. Like maybe an apology."
"I am not apologizing to you for…" he reached out and placed a finger over her mouth.
"Inara. I'm apologizing to you. So can you shut up and let me do it?"
She stared at him as he let his hand drop away.
"I'm off balance when I'm around you. It's always been that way and I've fought it. Don't like feelin' out of control. But blamin' you for that isn't makin' it go away, so I figure I oughtta stop." He paused. "So. That's it."
Inara smiled.
"That must have been painful."
"You have no idea."
They walked in silence toward the mess. Inara stopped him before they walked in.
"Mal. I just want you to know. I was canceling appointments when you came in earlier. I'm. I'm taking some time off. Just to see. Well. Just to see."
Mal smiled and placed his hand on the small of her back to lead her into the room with the others. As they all sat down, Zoe caught his eye and smiled.
"Yes Mal?" Inara smiled softly knowing the captain had thought himself stealthy as he walked onto her shuttle. And it truly was her shuttle again. The walls were draped in rich fabrics and many of her personal things were back in their place.
"Ah. Inara. Just checking to make sure you were settling in okay." He looked around the shuttle. "Appears to be the case."
"Yes. It still feels like I live here. Although I think Jayne may have done something to rid it of the incense smell."
"I think he did at that. Best not to think 'bout what that would've been."
"No. Best not." Inara smiled and sat down on the edge of her bed. "Was there anything else?"
"No. Supper's still at the usual time. Kaylee said she was makin' something special tonight, now that we're back together and not being chased by anyone."
"It makes for a welcome change."
Mal met her smile with and easy one of his own. "Well I guess I'll leave you be. I'm sure you've got more decorating and incensing to do." His eyes slid over to the comm screen. "Or I guess maybe you'll be gettin' back to work." The smile was gone from his face.
"Mal."
"Don't let me interrupt. You've got a livin' to make, just like us."
"Mal please don't start this."
"I ain't startin' nothin' Inara. You're back now and I guess that means business as usual. By the way, how is business going to be for a Companion who nearly blew up the training house?"
"Don't turn that around on me Mal. I did that to save you. Although right now I can't remember why I would do such a thing."
Mal looked around the shuttle. "Maybe Jayne's right. Maybe it's better in here the other way. That way I can pretend you aren't, well. I know how you hate that word."
Tears slid down Inara's face.
"I can't be anything other than what I am, Mal."
"But you're so much more than this," Mal said his jaw set in an angry line.
"I'm not." She motioned around her. "This, all of this that you hate, this is me."
The words stayed in the air between them and for a long moment Mal thought that maybe he should just let the walls build back up between them.
He reached out, almost touching her face before letting his hand fall.
"I don't hate you. Things'd be a might easier if I could."
Inara smiled sadly. "Yes. They probably would."
"But I don't want to hate you Inara. I want…" Mal's voice trailed off.
"What do you want Mal? For once just tell me what you really feel instead of hiding it all away."
Mal's bitter laughter bounced off the shuttle walls.
"Hiding? Me? Well, I guess you'd know a thing or two about that. I've never pushed you about what you're hiding from, but you can't stand there and tell me that you ain't. You hide from the outside world here on my boat, and when things get to be too much you run for the training house. Try to tell me different and I'll surely know it's a lie."
"Well then I guess there's no use for me to try and refute your ridiculous theory. Really Mal, I don't know where you get these ideas of yours."
Mal stared at her in disbelief. Finally he shook his head and walked towards the door of the shuttle. Inara thought that her heart might break at the plaintive tone in his voice.
"How many more times we gonna have this fight?"
He was long gone when she finally answered.
"When have we ever stopped?"
**
Mal strode into the cockpit. "River!" he bellowed.
"River ain't here, sir."
Mal stopped short. Zoe sat in the pilot's chair, idly picking up and setting down the plastic dinosaurs that no one seemed to be able to move from the console.
"Where is she?" Mal watched as her fingers caressed the controls and ghosted over the switches.
"In the kitchen helping Kaylee with dinner. Although, helping might be too strong a word."
"Are you?"
"Serenity's on auto-pilot. River set the course."
"Okay. I'm just gonna go," he watched as she picked up the dinosaurs again and made them walk across the nav screen. "What are you doing?"
"Remembering."
They hadn't talked about Wash. The funeral was the closest any of them had gotten to speaking about it, but mostly they were all too beaten and worn out to say anything real. Zoe wouldn't have let them had they tried, so it didn't really matter anyway.
Mal turned to go.
"He's still here. Everywhere. River leaves me alone up here sometimes so I can spend time with my memories." She smiled sadly. "It's what I have left sir."
"I know it's a poor substitute, but you still have us."
"I appreciate that sir. Someday I may even be able to thank you for it." She paused. "Sir?"
"What?"
"Don't push her away. She leaves again, you might not get her back."
Zoe turned back to look out at the stars. Mal left quietly, his head spinning with her words.
*
Mal caught Inara just outside her shuttle. She eyed him warily.
"Another round before dinner?"
He smiled at that. "No. Thought I might go for something different tonight. Like maybe an apology."
"I am not apologizing to you for…" he reached out and placed a finger over her mouth.
"Inara. I'm apologizing to you. So can you shut up and let me do it?"
She stared at him as he let his hand drop away.
"I'm off balance when I'm around you. It's always been that way and I've fought it. Don't like feelin' out of control. But blamin' you for that isn't makin' it go away, so I figure I oughtta stop." He paused. "So. That's it."
Inara smiled.
"That must have been painful."
"You have no idea."
They walked in silence toward the mess. Inara stopped him before they walked in.
"Mal. I just want you to know. I was canceling appointments when you came in earlier. I'm. I'm taking some time off. Just to see. Well. Just to see."
Mal smiled and placed his hand on the small of her back to lead her into the room with the others. As they all sat down, Zoe caught his eye and smiled.