Cuz I'll Never Be With You...
Basically tonight, James Blunt has become more than music. He's like the safety net of the cliff I'm falling off of. Metaphorically of course. Except I really did fall off a cliff today, just emotionally.
What started as an amazing day with orgasmic brownies from Mrs. Munch, quickly soured leaving me unhappy and feeling like throwing up from eating too much. I have been up on my male-free perch for a while now, and I've been fine. I've held myself together as people around me have their romantic fun, but today I just broke down and it wasn't pretty. I ran in gym till I had a cramp and was sweaty but it didn't really help. I blasted Backstreet Boys in the yearbook office with my loves but wasn't happy. My bad day continued though diving practice as I struggled with my difficult dives and continually hit the water wrong and was rewarded with that unpleasant sensation known as intense pain. After a particularly painful dive, i just stayed underwater and started crying. While I was underwater, I realized I wasn't crying over that dive, but just my current state.
With this one dive, all I need is one turn where I do it right, where I can be proud of myself. I only need one to instill some confidence back into myself. And that's how my life is right now. I have nothing I'm proud of. There's no accomplishment I've had lately, and there's no break from this monotony, this light-less tunnel. I need a real thing, could be big or small, where I can take full responsibiilty for an outcome I like.
I also really need to clear my head of boys. I really thought I was over him, and I really AM over him, I'm just not over IT. I'm not over the concept of a boy seeing me as someone special and for whatever reason, I keep thinking about him. He's not worth my brain space or time yet I'm still wasting both on him. And with another him, I can't stop wondering why I didn't just take a chance. There's nothing worse than being left wondering what could have happened. I wish I had the guts to ask a guy about his feelings. I wish I had the guts to tell a boy when he's upsetting me. I wish I had the guts to put the past in the past and try to forge a future, instead of staying in November.
And this does all tie together. My diving, my sadness, my boy problems, because if i could just do something right in each area, maybe i'd be ok. Maybe I could live with the rest of my mistakes, but currently, I don't believe in myself. And if I don't believe in myself, who can?
Tomorrow comes. Sorrow becomes his soul mate.
The damage is done. The prodigal son is too late.
Old doors are closed but he's always open,
To relive time in his mind.
Oh Billy.
What started as an amazing day with orgasmic brownies from Mrs. Munch, quickly soured leaving me unhappy and feeling like throwing up from eating too much. I have been up on my male-free perch for a while now, and I've been fine. I've held myself together as people around me have their romantic fun, but today I just broke down and it wasn't pretty. I ran in gym till I had a cramp and was sweaty but it didn't really help. I blasted Backstreet Boys in the yearbook office with my loves but wasn't happy. My bad day continued though diving practice as I struggled with my difficult dives and continually hit the water wrong and was rewarded with that unpleasant sensation known as intense pain. After a particularly painful dive, i just stayed underwater and started crying. While I was underwater, I realized I wasn't crying over that dive, but just my current state.
With this one dive, all I need is one turn where I do it right, where I can be proud of myself. I only need one to instill some confidence back into myself. And that's how my life is right now. I have nothing I'm proud of. There's no accomplishment I've had lately, and there's no break from this monotony, this light-less tunnel. I need a real thing, could be big or small, where I can take full responsibiilty for an outcome I like.
I also really need to clear my head of boys. I really thought I was over him, and I really AM over him, I'm just not over IT. I'm not over the concept of a boy seeing me as someone special and for whatever reason, I keep thinking about him. He's not worth my brain space or time yet I'm still wasting both on him. And with another him, I can't stop wondering why I didn't just take a chance. There's nothing worse than being left wondering what could have happened. I wish I had the guts to ask a guy about his feelings. I wish I had the guts to tell a boy when he's upsetting me. I wish I had the guts to put the past in the past and try to forge a future, instead of staying in November.
And this does all tie together. My diving, my sadness, my boy problems, because if i could just do something right in each area, maybe i'd be ok. Maybe I could live with the rest of my mistakes, but currently, I don't believe in myself. And if I don't believe in myself, who can?
Tomorrow comes. Sorrow becomes his soul mate.
The damage is done. The prodigal son is too late.
Old doors are closed but he's always open,
To relive time in his mind.
Oh Billy.