Day 395 - Today's Musings, Past High School Ponderings, and Future Hopes
Vaccines
Wonderful news! We've both received our first vaccine shots!
As I started this entry, I kind of found myself wondering, "When am I going to stop counting days like this?" but came to the decision that I probably won't stop until I'm properly back in the office.
Anyways, regarding the vaccine - it felt awesome being able to finally schedule our shots! Of course I was nervous (Lucas seemed far more relaxed than I was, but that's no surprise), but the relief from knowing the end is in sight cannot be understated. The process was a bit challenging, and we had to jump through some crazy hoops to get our appointments. I assembled a spreadsheet of zipcodes to blast through while searching for openings and somehow managed to get an appointment for both us!
CVS was like a well-oiled machine, and Lucas was in-and-out pretty much instantly. I ran into a little more trouble because they still had my maiden name on file, but after that was resolved it still wasn't too big a problem. Recovery and post-vaccination symptoms for both of us varied. Lucas was a bit sore for a day. I had terrible brain fog for the following few days. It has been several days since though, and we're both in great shape! I know there is a lot of fear and uncertainty surrounding the vaccines, but there's even more misinformation. It's important to be well-informed. I think the sooner people are able to vaccinate, the sooner they're able to return to some semblance of normalcy.
Nostalgia
Recently my parents stopped by and dropped off a box of my belongings from high school they were saving in the attic. It was bittersweet browsing through my old papers, notes, assignments, and yearbook. Just enough time has passed that I can feel proud of the person I've become, while also having enough time and distance between who I was and the things I struggled with. While I'm not exactly in a rush to zip out and have a huge shindig with lost acquaintances and friends, it was nice thinking back on all the people I knew and how we grew and changed.
Obviously not everything was really pleasant, and I think most kids going through that age group suffer from struggles. I remember being absolutely crushed and bewildered when my best friend at the time cut me off. I thought I was doing the right thing reaching out to our school's counselors when she confided in me about some health issues. I was only 15/16, it's not like I was equipped to provide medical/mental advice, and I knew that what she was going through was way, way over my head. I could only do so much as a kid, so it made sense to me that it was better if adults got involved to help. I remember being deeply conflicted about reaching out to our counselor, and my mother did warn me it could end our friendship... Sadly, she was correct. I am certain my friend probably resented what I did, and I think after I brought it to the attention of 'trusted adults', no matter what I did or said, she would misconstrue and interpret my words and actions at their worst.
Still, when your teachers and even your own family tell you that you should speak up when you worry for a friend, and then you do exactly that, it still feels sad when it blows up in your face afterwards. Eating disorders and suicide threats were way above the scope of what an average teenager can assist with, and I was convinced that reaching out was the very best thing I could do to help at the time. Was it? I probably will never know. But digging my old things out reminded me of the old sadness, wondering if I made a mistake trying to get her help. Maybe she just wanted to vent to me and didn't expect me to actually do anything. But I was petrified when talk started turning to starving to death and suicide. I took it seriously, and probably too seriously, unfortunately.
I wouldn't want to reconnect (and I'm certain I'm most likely the villain in her own self-narrative), but I hope she's extremely healthy and happy today. I don't know if my attempts to help ended up doing more harm than good, but if removing me from her life was what she needed to be happy, then I'm okay with being a casualty in her story. I hope she's having a wonderful life with all the love and happiness she could've ever asked for. It's what I wished for back then, and I still feel the same today.
I guess I didn't learn my lesson unfortunately, because I was destined to repeat the same mistake with a friend in college. I suspect she probably also blames me for speaking up, although the circumstances were different, it was still a dangerous situation.
Now that I'm in my 30s, I can't help but wonder if life experiences like these that lead to people simply clamming up and keeping quiet. It's certainly easier keeping quiet, and far lower risk. But having put both these experiences behind me, part of me feels like I couldn't live with myself if I didn't say anything, and things escalated past the point of no return. I can't worry about what things 'should have' or 'might have' been, I can only pray and wish with my heart that the people I cared about are happy and at peace.
Home Life
Things are going pretty great! Now that the weather is warming up, I'm able to get back outside to run and garden. It feels fantastic! I've mentioned it before in my past entries, but this lockdown has been the healthiest thing to happen to me. I feel great watching myself get stronger and accomplishing new goals. There's also a little vanity involved... I have to confess I think my legs are looking pretty awesome. It helps that my trainer is incredible - she's such a great role model for me! I used to think I could never build strength or do physical exercises because of my size, but she's even smaller than me, and she's in incredible shape. Feeling short and small doesn't seem to matter as much when you stop feeling weak.
(Disclaimer: I'm by no means buff, and I definitely still have days where I'm frustrated I'm not stronger!)
Lucas has been doing awesome too, and he has lost quite a lot of weight. It's been a great transformation, and it's wonderful watching him become his best version of himself. In his downtime he's been dedicated to learning some new skills. He's been repairing some of his old consoles and even soldering! I love seeing the sparkle in his eyes when he talks about a new project, and I love it even more when he's successful fixing something broken! It's like we're building our own little museum together and breathing new life into things that were gathering dust. Spending time home together is the greatest gift, and I'm loving every minute of it.
We're hoping it will be safe enough for us to travel later in the year and are making plans to possibly return to Japan again. I hope they are doing okay with the vaccination rollout, because I know the country has locked down tourism for the Olympics. It's a close shave, and I'm fully aware that there's a good chance we won't be able to go. I think Lucas is a little more optimistic about the possibilities, but I've always been a worrywart, haha. If we did manage to go, we'd be traveling with a coworker of mine and his wife. I've never done an international trip with friends! Although I did travel with a group when I went to Australia, it was mostly academic. This time we'd be planning our own itinerary and steering the way! I'll have to work extra hard to make sure everyone enjoys themselves. I hope we can make it a reality!
It's been over a year since we settled into our new house, and it finally feels like home. We've hung art and mirrors on the walls, we're talking about shades of paint for different rooms, we're moving and replacing furniture - all rites of passage for settling down, I'd say! Sometimes I feel a pang of remorse for "returning" to my hometown. I had nooooo intentions of coming back. But this house was our dream house, and I'd be the biggest liar if I said I wasn't delighted to live within walking distance of my family. Now that I'm a resident in town again, I'm trying to keep up to date on the latest ongoings, and it does seem like they're investing a good deal of money into improvements and infrastructure updates. I never really kept an eye on those sorts of things before, but when you're putting down roots long term, suddenly all those picky details matter!
I also suspect a significant part of my "ew, I don't want to go back to my hometown" disdain simply came about from having a narrow worldview. Now that I've traveled and lived in other places, I can appreciate the nice things my hometown has going for it without getting tunnel vision or seeing the world through rose-colored glasses. Is it the best town ever? Absolutely not! But it's still quite nice and has many amenities that make it appealing for a young family.
Elliot continues to be chatty as always! It seems like he learns something new every week, and watching him grow has been such a delight. I can't decide what my favorite phrase is he's learned so far, but I would have to say (at the time I'm writing this) it's probably a tossup between "Hey, baby!" and "What'cha doin'?" - especially because he has the sweetest voice ever. There's nothing quite like seeing him up on Lucas's shoulder, watching him lean over, press his beak against Lucas's ear, and whisper, "What'cha doin'?" - I LOVE IT.
We are still trying to figure out the best way to give him a bath that's both functional and doesn't make him miserable... the solution still eludes us. He is currently molting right now, and I know he's probably super itchy with all those little pin feathers. If he'd just let us bathe him, it would help!
Work Life
I've been doing a lot of extra work these past few months, but it doesn't really feel like work. I can't tell if it's because I'm enjoying what I'm doing, or because I'm working at home. It is probably some mix of the two. I do know we've been exceptionally busy, so I have no shortage of tasks! I've officially been with my company for almost 13 years come this May, and it's kind of crazy to look back and realize that I was still actively posting on Livejournal when I started this job! (And yes, my "I got the job" post is just as teenager-y as you'd expect).
It might seem insane in this day and age to stick around at the same job, but there's absolutely nothing about my job today that remotely resembles the job in 2008. Our company has grown from ~10 people to over 700+ employees in various offices in different countries. I've also gone through 3 different titles, and each promotion has come with new responsibilities, new tasks, and lots of learning opportunities! If I felt like I stopped growing, I wouldn't be so happy. But it's almost as though every 2-3 years the company changes so much, I might as well be working at a brand new place! It's rewarding and fulfilling, and I'm so grateful everyday that I have the chance to do really cool work in the company of some amazing experts in their fields.
I suspect the next year is really going to be a hard crunch. We've got some big changes coming up, and I know it won't be easy. But instead of being scared (okay, I am a teeny bit scared), I'm super pumped. There are some projects I know are eventually going to come my way, and I can't wait to get started! My boss has been a wonderful mentor too, and I can tell she believes in me. I feel encouraged to push the envelope, and I can feel myself learning to manage myself, my team, and all our work more efficiently than before. It's gonna be a rocky ride! But I'm totally ready to buckle up and get stuff done.
Family
It looks like surgery for my father is in the future, especially now that elective surgeries are reopening in light of the vaccine rollout. There's going to be a lot of post-care, and I know he is going to be antsy sitting at home during the summer. But I'm so grateful we live really close, because Lucas and I can make food to share with them and help out while he recovers. I'd still lend a hand when we lived far away, but the level of assistance I can provide when we're around the corner is far greater. My mom seems a bit flustered whenever she brings it up, like it's going to be some massive inconvenience. But they've both done so much to help us, there's no way I'm going to just sit around passively when we're practically down the street.
One thing I'm really excited about once we're all vaccinated is having family over to visit. We're slowly trying to clean up and decorate the room that has been dubbed, "The Nursery" (no, there is no baby yet) and hopefully we can have some guest accommodations soon! Not to mention getting the back porch tidied up with plenty of pretty flowers! We've also saved up enough for the stone patio, so as soon as the contractor has availability, that will be going in too. A vaccinated backyard barbecue sounds like the most delightful, suburban homeownery thing, and I know I've reached a new phase of life when just thinking about planning dinner parties gets me psyched, haha.
I think the other thing that has me eager for the warm weather and vaccines is being able to welcome friends over, especially when they need somewhere to just get away or hang out. I realize those kinds of social get-togethers aren't easy once you have kids, so I'd like to enjoy what we have with the time available to us before then. I want to make our home and yard beautiful and relaxing so visitors can feel at peace. It's been a dream of mine for as long as I can remember, and I'm so happy to have my own home where I can make it a reality.
I guess that's it for now! I probably started this post on a bit of a heavier note, but honestly I've never felt more grateful and at peace with my life than I do today. I hope this entry can serve as a reminder for future me, should I ever lose my way.