Fic: Personnel Issues - Part 07
Title: Personnel Issues
Authors: sparking_off and pinkfairy727
Characters/Pairings: Jack/Ianto, Gwen/Rhys, Tosh, Owen,
Warnings: Canon character death, swearing
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 36,300
Beta: etmuse
Summary: The Torchwood Three email newsletter: an excuse to gossip, bitch, plan dates, fight, and discuss squirrel rats.
Spoilers: For all of series 2.
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Newsletter no. 45
News
A reasonably uneventful week, UNIT’s misinformation notwithstanding.
One Rift item this week, collected by Gwen and I yesterday afternoon. Tosh is examining it. Two weevils - neither one rabid, just confused by the torrential rain, I think.
Cardiff PD has asked us to please pay more attention to no-parking zones. I think this request was particularly aimed at Jack.
Personnel issues
Gwen’s wedding is going to be fine, regardless of what she thinks in her current panicky state.
It should be noted by all team members that leaving the SUV with an empty petrol tank is unacceptable, and means I have less time to fulfil the other aspects of my job. I would also like to remind everyone that I am filling TWO positions at the moment and as such I will not be taking on any extra work for the foreseeable future.
Inmates
Two weevils (Janet and Marlene).
Fish tank.
Squirrel rats (10 - the infant seems to have reached maturity).
Four humans (Jack, Ianto, Gwen & Tosh).
One King of the Weevils, or the walking dead (Owen).
Pteranodon (Myfanwy).
Miscellaneous
Thank you to whoever left a mugful of skittles for me.
Tosh asks that everyone please stay off the internal comms for two hours this morning as she is running diagnostics.
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
Which do you reckon is more important, catching a dangerous suspect that’s running through a park, one where there are no legal parking spaces nearby, or finding a parking space and then trying to locate the suspect? I asked Detective Swanson this a while back after she saw me heaving a sedated weevil into the SUV boot. I’m still waiting for an answer.
I think I was the last person who had the SUV, Ianto, unless somebody else has been out in it since my 3AM weevil hunt? Sorry I woke you up, couldn’t find my phone to turn the beeping off. Consider the skittles as an apology? (Seeing as how the girls keep giving you pastries and coffee-beans I thought I’d give you something different.)
I’ll take it out now and fill it back up. Anybody want anything while I’m out?
(An apologetic) Captain Jack Harkness.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
Why is that every time I check my inbox I find Jack is once again flirting and/or grovelling with Ianto? Seriously, Jack, do us all a favour and talk to him face-to-face, yeah?
Oh, and can you grab me a couple of newspapers? Tosh has been showing me how to play Sudoku and I prefer the paper versions to the online ones. And can you make sure at least one of them is The Telegraph? Apparently Tosh prefers their cross-word to the others.
Ta.
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
Jack, I was merely passing the message along. It wasn’t in any respect indicative of my opinion on the matter.
And you already apologised for last night. Twice.
If you’re going to the supermarket, someone ate the last of the pink wafers, and you’ve used up all my toothpaste.
Tosh, any joy with that artefact?
Ianto
Coffee god, busy busy busy.
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
It’s interesting, Ianto, it’s emitting something like a homing frequency, but I can’t get into it - I think it’s something like a jewellery or keepsake box, it’s hollow and there are objects inside it, but I think it might be a DNA or fingerprint activated locking mechanism.
Jack - your driving is insanely hazardous, and I really think you should try to remember that the rest of us? When we die? Stay dead. Please.
Tosh
Tech wizard, working.
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
Hey! Why is it always my driving people pick on? Owen’s driving skills haven’t improved since he died, if anything they’ve got worse and they weren’t fantastic to begin with! And I’m sure we all remember what happened the last time Gwen attempted to use the SUV.
Tosh, I’m sure there’s a DNA modulator in the archives somewhere. Ask Ianto and he’ll know either where it is or what it is I’m mistaking it for.
Pink wafers, The Telegraph plus other newspapers and toothpaste, got it. Aquafresh, right?
Anything else anybody wants? Oh, and since I’m going out, I’ll pick up lunch. You’ve got 30 minutes to get your orders in or you’ll eat what you’re given.
(A busy) Captain Jack Harkness.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
Gwen, Rhys is up here in the tourist office wanting to speak to you. Something about his parents?
Ianto
Coffee god, busy busy busy.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Gwen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
Thanks Ianto, tell him I’ll be up in a minute.
Jack, what about Chinese for lunch?
Gwen
Not thinking about it. Really.
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
Chinese it is, then, unless anybody has any objections. Ring me if anybody thinks of anything else they want.
Gwen, I’ll walk up with you. I’ll give my love to Rhys myself ;)
(A still busy) Captain Jack Harkness.
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
Ianto, can you find me that DNA modulator Jack was talking about, when you have a minute?
Owen, I’m going to cut power to autopsy if you don’t turn off that awful music.
Tosh
Tech wizard, working.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
Err, Tosh, I think we’ve got bigger problems than my taste in music. I know you’re busy with your new toy and everything, but will you do me a favour and take a quick look at the Tourist Information CCTV.
Is it just me or do Gwen and Ianto appear to be talking to several rhinos? Rhinos with guns? Normally I'd say Ianto's put something in my coffee, but seeing as how I can't drink it...
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe.
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
…call Jack RIGHT NOW. They’re Judoon and that was a transmat. They’ve gone. I’ve started trying to trace it back to a point of origin - not that it’ll do much good, we don’t have any technology that would get us to their ship!
Tosh
Very very worried.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
Jack’s on his way and he sounds PISSED! I mean really, really pissed. God help anybody who gets in the way of the SUV. He’s given me a list of stuff to go look for in the archives. I’m heading down there now, I’ll bring them over to you as you’re more likely to be able to figure them out than me.
Jack’s ETA 7 minutes and dropping.
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe.
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
It’s been three hours. You’d think we’d have heard something by now. Jack says Judoon usually leave an order or warrant or something, but…
They’ll be fine, won’t they?
Tosh
Scared tech wizard.
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
Tosh, I promise I will not rest until I get them both back safe and sound. Just keep tracking that ship and keep monitoring for any incoming messages. They usually leave a written warrant, but keep an eye out.
I'm going to have another look around the office and if I don't find anything I'll go outside and help Owen.
Just keep going, Tosh, we'll get them back. I promise.
(A FURIOUS) Captain Jack Harkness.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
So far I've found three empty cans of Dr Pepper, a scroll and what looks like a T-Mobile sim card. Bringing down the scroll and the sim card, just in case.
Thought I'd better let Tosh scan the scroll before we open it, after the exploding Christmas cards incident.
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe.
Sent from My BlackBerry from Virgin Mobile
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
The scroll is rubbish. The sim card is an arrest warrant. Apparently Gwen and Ianto stole something of great value from the…something empire. It doesn’t want to translate, so it’s almost certainly a name of some sort, but it’s all in symbols so I can’t even sound it out. Jack, come and see if you know anything about it.
It says they’re going to be held for trial within the solar system - I think in orbit around the Moon?
Tosh
Scared tech wizard.
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
Already on my way, Tosh. Just had another look around the Tourist Information Centre and it doesn't look like they've taken anything other than Gwen and Ianto.
Owen, start looking through the archive database for anything that will get me onto that ship. And before either of you say it, YOU'RE NOT COMING WITH ME!
I need you both here incase anything happens and incase something goes wrong with the transport. I'll survive any technical mishaps, you won't and it's not a risk I'm willing to take.
Captain Jack Harkness.
Sent from My BlackBerry from Virgin Mobile
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
Owen, is that flamethrower still in working order? And that armour stuff you and Ianto spent three days playing with while Jack was away?
Tosh
Scared tech wizard.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
Yeah, Tosh, they were both fine last time I saw them. I'll bring them up with some of that transporter stuff Jack wanted. Think I should get that chain-saw thing we found a few months back?
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe.
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
Can’t hurt. Watch out, Jack’s on the warpath again. Jack, you can’t stop us. I’ve found a way to communicate with them - I think. Get down here.
Tosh
Scared tech wizard.
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
Owen, bring anything that looks helpful.
I'm nearly there, Tosh. I will be putting you in charge of communication, but, I repeat, YOU AND OWEN ARE STAYING HERE! Full-lockdown may not stop you, but it will slow you down and I WILL lock you in here if I think you're going to do something rash.
Getting out the lift now.
Captain Jack Harkness.
Sent from My BlackBerry from Virgin Mobile
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
On my way back up; I'm coming through the back entrance as I've got all the stuff on a trolley.
Jack, I'm with Tosh; we're coming with you. For all we know they may need medical attention, and what do you plan on doing if you get up there and need Tosh to do her computer thing?
We understand you’re worried, but face it - we're coming with you.
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe.
Sent from My BlackBerry from Virgin Mobile
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
Right! Fine! I give up, but get a move on, Tosh is trying to make contact with them and we're going as soon as Tosh is finished.
Captain Jack Harkness.
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
…I think we can calm down a little, I’ve just been told that execution is not a punishment for this crime…
But I think there was something about hard labour.
I’ve asked for a description and, if possible, a picture of whatever it is they’re meant to have stolen - it seems likely it’s come through the Rift and Gwen and Ianto picked it up. I have a feeling it might be that box, Jack - the one with the DNA lock? It did have a homing device of some sort.
Tosh
Scared tech wizard.
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
As good as that news is, Tosh, I’ll not feel any better until they’re both back inside the Hub. Keep talking to the Judoon; see if the box is what they’re after and if they’ll be willing to negotiate. The box is still in my office, I’ll bring it down just in case.
Owen, I know you’re reading this over Tosh’s shoulder. Leave those transporter things - I’ll look them over in a minute. I want you to have two kits ready to go; one you can carry and one you can take in the car. I don’t know if we’ll be able to persuade them to meet us at one of the abandoned farms outside Caerphilly or if we’ll have to go up there, but I want to be ready to move-out as soon as we know.
Captain Jack Harkness.
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
They’ll trade as long as the people get a formal apology from Ianto and Gwen and ‘their owner’, according to the translation, but I’m not sure how accurate it is…anyway, I think they mean you, Jack.
The farm is fine, but they’ll only let two people to go, so I’d better stay behind to coordinate. They’ll be there in three hours. I’m not sure why so long, but they wouldn’t compromise on that.
Tosh
Scared tech wizard.
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
Excellent, Tosh. Do they want a verbal apology or a written one? Owen, we’re leaving in ten minutes.
Captain Jack Harkness.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
So if we leave in ten minutes and judging on how fast you drive and the distance between Cardiff and Caerphilly, I’m guessing we’re going to be 2 hours early. Tosh, can I take your Sudoku book? I’ve done the puzzles in today’s papers.
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe.
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
I’m guessing you’ve arrived already. The scanners aren’t showing any sign of activity. I hope they’re alright.
It occurred to me that Gwen will be so angry if she misses the wedding because of this. If anything stops the wedding, Jack, you can tell Rhys.
Tosh
Scared tech wizard.
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
Yes, we’re here, Tosh. I’ll let you know when we’ve got them back.
There’s still a few days left until Gwen’s wedding, so I’m sure I’ll not have to face the wrath of Rhys. If those messages from the Judoon are accurate then Owen suspects the worst thing they’re going to have to deal with is fatigue.
(An impatient) Captain Jack Harkness.
Sent from My BlackBerry from Virgin Mobile
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
I’ve had a message, they should be arriving in ten minutes.
Tosh
Scared tech wizard.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
We’re on our way back now, Tosh. Ianto’s got a cut on his scalp and Gwen’s got some scratches on her arms, but it’s mostly just bruises. Nothing a good night’s sleep and some of that bruise cream won’t fix. I’ll give them both a check-up when we get back, but I’m not worried.
...Saying that, Jack’s driving, so it’s anybody’s guess what sort of a state we’ll be in when we arrive.
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe.
Sent from My BlackBerry from Virgin Mobile
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
I’m thrilled to see you all managed to focus so much on ‘rescuing’ me and Gwen that you were able to leave the archives and the kitchen in impeccable order.
Yes, thank you for the rescue. I’ll be busy sorting things out now. No, there will not be coffee. Yes, Jack, you may come and visit me in the archives.
Ianto
Coffee god, fifth kidnap in and still going strong.
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
I've got a pile of expenses to approve, but I'll come visit you before lunch, make sure you're not over-doing it down there ;)
Seeing as how we're having to fend for ourselves, girls, I suggest we all take turns making coffee runs. If you send me your orders I'll do the first run. Ianto, you want one or are you just making your own?
Gwen, I'm assuming you've been checked over by Owen? If not make sure you've seen him before I get back.
(A relieved) Captain Jack Harkness.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Gwen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
I’m fine, Jack, stop being such a mother hen.
And I’ve warned you before about smileys.
No coffee for me, I’m too jumpy.
Gwen
Shaken but not stirred.
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
Espresso for me, Jack, and I’ll volunteer for the lunch run.
Gwen, is everything sorted for the wedding? You’re having a hen party the night before, aren’t you?
Tosh
Relieved tech wizard, working.
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
Deep breaths, Gwen, your wedding is going to be FINE! Will a hot chocolate make you feel better? One with whipped cream and sprinkles?
One espresso coming up, Tosh. You want a cake or anything to go with it?
I'll go down and ask Ianto if he wants anything. Final orders before I get back up, please.
Captain Jack Harkness (who is NOT procrastinating, no matter what Owen or Ianto says).
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
Oh, he’ll be half an hour now. Gwen, want to take twenty minutes and run up for coffee and maybe an ice cream?
Tosh
Relieved tech wizard, working.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Gwen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
Ooh, sounds great. I’m not panicking, not really, I’m just a bit worried about Rhys’s stag do!
It’s awfully close now.
Give me a couple of minutes to finish this report and I’ll be there, Tosh.
Gwen
Shaken but not stirred.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
Oi! Wait for me! No way I'm staying here on my own when those two are going at it downstairs. Besides, I've got my suit in the locker-rooms, which I need to take to the cleaners.
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
I see an awful lot of work has been done today. Perhaps I should bring archiving work into the main Hub tomorrow.
Gwen is on call only tomorrow and Friday, although she tells me she’ll be in on Friday afternoon to avoid killing Rhys.
Jack, you own a suit. I hope you’ll be wearing it.
Ianto
Coffee god, fifth kidnap in and still going strong.
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
How about I give you a dress rehearsal tonight, Ianto? Dinner for two at Fontana De Trevi?
Thank you to whoever left the fairy-cake on my desk. Now what are you guys after?
(A hopeful) Captain Jack Harkness.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Gwen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
It wasn’t me, but if I was after anything, it’d be for a VERY QUIET three days. The rift can explode once I’m off on my honeymoon as long as it stays quiet until then!!!!
Gwen
Shaken but not stirred.
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
Don’t look at me. I’m off for the night - might be in early tomorrow, I want to run a series of tests.
Owen, did you want to come round and get those dvds later?
Tosh
Tech wizard, very caffeinated.
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
Personally, Gwen, I'd prefer it if the Rift didn't explode at all. Last time it did that I ended up thrown back to 1922, naked, and handcuffed to a weevil.
Not too early, Tosh, and NO work tonight if you insist on coming in early.
(A nostalgic) Captain Jack Harkness.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
I'll leave with you, Tosh, and get those dvds now. I'm on call all night so I’ll probably get most of them, if not all, back to you tomorrow.
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe.
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
The computers are now fully functioning again. Sorry about yesterday, it seems that the baby squirrel rat (which isn’t really a baby anymore - juvenile?) chewed through a cable. I know you like it, Owen, but it really needs some training.
Has anybody seen Ianto? He’s usually in first (well, after Jack, of course!) but I’ve not seen him today, and the kitchen doesn’t look as though he’s been in there.
Tosh
Tech wizard, feeling good.
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
Ianto’s not in today, he’s got a family thing, but he promises he’ll be in bright and early tomorrow and he’s really looking forward to Gwen’s wedding.
Owen, I know you’re still training the rat, but until I’m satisfied that it is fully house-trained then it stays in its cell. It’s allowed out ONLY under supervision.
Seeing as how there’s just me and you for lunch, Tosh, how about we go up that sushi bar that nobody else will order from? Owen, you are of course welcome to join us, just no comments about how disgusting the food looks.
(A hopeful) Captain Jack Harkness.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
Sorry again about yesterday. Baby squirrel rat is now in a new cell.
Thanks for the offer, Jack, but I think I’ll pass. Just thinking of sushi is making my stomach turn.
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe.
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
Sure, Jack, that’d be nice. Half twelve okay?
Ianto mentioned something about you in a suit tomorrow. Was he just teasing us? Will you really be abandoning your beloved coat?
Tosh
Tech wizard, feeling good.
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
Yes, Tosh, tomorrow I will be wearing a suit and leaving my coat behind in the office. On second thoughts, I may leave it in the boot of the car, you never know when it might come in handy ;)
12.30 sounds fine, I’ll come get you then. We can call into Costa on the way back too. I’ve already had three cups today and I’m still suffering withdrawal symptoms from a lack of Ianto’s coffee.
(A decaffeinated) Captain Jack Harkness.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
Oh, bloody hell. Would somebody be able to pick my suit up for me? It’s got to be picked up before 3, but I’m up to my elbows in weevil guts. Finally got a chance to look at several of those dead weevils we picked up last week and so far I’ve had one liver explode on me and three lungs disintegrate into some sort of black goo. I’m hoping it’s just weevil lurgy season again, but I want to look over the other three I’ve got, just to check. Don’t think Gwen would take too well to her wedding being interrupted by a herd of rabid, coughing weevils.
I finished the last of those dvds last night, Tosh. They’re on my desk, remind me to give them back to you before I go home tonight.
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe.
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
…I was out of the Hub for an hour. How the HELL is there a fault with the internal monitors? They were absolutely fine when I left. Owen, if that thing isn’t in its cell I’ll do something. I don’t know what yet, but it won’t be pleasant.
Tosh
Tech wizard, pissed off.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
It’s in the cells downstairs; it keeps eating through the plastic portable ones. It seems to have developed a taste for Perspex, computer wires and jelly babies. I’m trying to keep an eye on it, but that squirrel rat is one fast and sneaky bastard.
...Nobody managed to pick up my suit, did they?
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe and Still Up To His Elbows In Weevil Guts.
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
No, Owen, we didn’t pick up your suit as you didn’t give us your card, nor did you tell us which cleaners it’s at, so we couldn’t even bluff our way through. I’ve got to shout at the PM again soon and Tosh is repairing the damage that squirrel rat did, so I suggest you take a shower and go pick it up yourself. The dead weevils will still be there later.
(A slightly more caffeinated) Captain Jack Harkness.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Gwen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
Alright, I’m here. Distract me. SOMEBODY PLEASE DISTRACT ME.
Gwen
Don’t ask. No, really, DON’T ASK.
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
I don’t know if this is the kind of distraction you’re after, but there’s been Rift activity, and from what I can tell it was something living. It came through in Bute Park, but there’s not enough CCTV coverage to see what it is.
Tosh
Tech wizard, pissed off.
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
Come on, Gwen. You and I can go check it out. Hopefully, it won’t take too long. Tosh, you stay here and monitor the area in case it appears on a CCTV hotspot. When Owen gets back from the cleaners get him to help you. And make sure he keeps that squirrel rat out of the way!
PM has, once again, tried to pass me onto one of his secretaries, so he can wait until Monday. God I miss Harriet Jones.
(A slightly irate) Captain Jack Harkness.
Part 08
Authors: sparking_off and pinkfairy727
Characters/Pairings: Jack/Ianto, Gwen/Rhys, Tosh, Owen,
Warnings: Canon character death, swearing
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 36,300
Beta: etmuse
Summary: The Torchwood Three email newsletter: an excuse to gossip, bitch, plan dates, fight, and discuss squirrel rats.
Spoilers: For all of series 2.
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Newsletter no. 45
News
A reasonably uneventful week, UNIT’s misinformation notwithstanding.
One Rift item this week, collected by Gwen and I yesterday afternoon. Tosh is examining it. Two weevils - neither one rabid, just confused by the torrential rain, I think.
Cardiff PD has asked us to please pay more attention to no-parking zones. I think this request was particularly aimed at Jack.
Personnel issues
Gwen’s wedding is going to be fine, regardless of what she thinks in her current panicky state.
It should be noted by all team members that leaving the SUV with an empty petrol tank is unacceptable, and means I have less time to fulfil the other aspects of my job. I would also like to remind everyone that I am filling TWO positions at the moment and as such I will not be taking on any extra work for the foreseeable future.
Inmates
Two weevils (Janet and Marlene).
Fish tank.
Squirrel rats (10 - the infant seems to have reached maturity).
Four humans (Jack, Ianto, Gwen & Tosh).
One King of the Weevils, or the walking dead (Owen).
Pteranodon (Myfanwy).
Miscellaneous
Thank you to whoever left a mugful of skittles for me.
Tosh asks that everyone please stay off the internal comms for two hours this morning as she is running diagnostics.
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
Which do you reckon is more important, catching a dangerous suspect that’s running through a park, one where there are no legal parking spaces nearby, or finding a parking space and then trying to locate the suspect? I asked Detective Swanson this a while back after she saw me heaving a sedated weevil into the SUV boot. I’m still waiting for an answer.
I think I was the last person who had the SUV, Ianto, unless somebody else has been out in it since my 3AM weevil hunt? Sorry I woke you up, couldn’t find my phone to turn the beeping off. Consider the skittles as an apology? (Seeing as how the girls keep giving you pastries and coffee-beans I thought I’d give you something different.)
I’ll take it out now and fill it back up. Anybody want anything while I’m out?
(An apologetic) Captain Jack Harkness.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
Why is that every time I check my inbox I find Jack is once again flirting and/or grovelling with Ianto? Seriously, Jack, do us all a favour and talk to him face-to-face, yeah?
Oh, and can you grab me a couple of newspapers? Tosh has been showing me how to play Sudoku and I prefer the paper versions to the online ones. And can you make sure at least one of them is The Telegraph? Apparently Tosh prefers their cross-word to the others.
Ta.
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
Jack, I was merely passing the message along. It wasn’t in any respect indicative of my opinion on the matter.
And you already apologised for last night. Twice.
If you’re going to the supermarket, someone ate the last of the pink wafers, and you’ve used up all my toothpaste.
Tosh, any joy with that artefact?
Ianto
Coffee god, busy busy busy.
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
It’s interesting, Ianto, it’s emitting something like a homing frequency, but I can’t get into it - I think it’s something like a jewellery or keepsake box, it’s hollow and there are objects inside it, but I think it might be a DNA or fingerprint activated locking mechanism.
Jack - your driving is insanely hazardous, and I really think you should try to remember that the rest of us? When we die? Stay dead. Please.
Tosh
Tech wizard, working.
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
Hey! Why is it always my driving people pick on? Owen’s driving skills haven’t improved since he died, if anything they’ve got worse and they weren’t fantastic to begin with! And I’m sure we all remember what happened the last time Gwen attempted to use the SUV.
Tosh, I’m sure there’s a DNA modulator in the archives somewhere. Ask Ianto and he’ll know either where it is or what it is I’m mistaking it for.
Pink wafers, The Telegraph plus other newspapers and toothpaste, got it. Aquafresh, right?
Anything else anybody wants? Oh, and since I’m going out, I’ll pick up lunch. You’ve got 30 minutes to get your orders in or you’ll eat what you’re given.
(A busy) Captain Jack Harkness.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
Gwen, Rhys is up here in the tourist office wanting to speak to you. Something about his parents?
Ianto
Coffee god, busy busy busy.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Gwen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
Thanks Ianto, tell him I’ll be up in a minute.
Jack, what about Chinese for lunch?
Gwen
Not thinking about it. Really.
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
Chinese it is, then, unless anybody has any objections. Ring me if anybody thinks of anything else they want.
Gwen, I’ll walk up with you. I’ll give my love to Rhys myself ;)
(A still busy) Captain Jack Harkness.
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
Ianto, can you find me that DNA modulator Jack was talking about, when you have a minute?
Owen, I’m going to cut power to autopsy if you don’t turn off that awful music.
Tosh
Tech wizard, working.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
Err, Tosh, I think we’ve got bigger problems than my taste in music. I know you’re busy with your new toy and everything, but will you do me a favour and take a quick look at the Tourist Information CCTV.
Is it just me or do Gwen and Ianto appear to be talking to several rhinos? Rhinos with guns? Normally I'd say Ianto's put something in my coffee, but seeing as how I can't drink it...
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe.
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
…call Jack RIGHT NOW. They’re Judoon and that was a transmat. They’ve gone. I’ve started trying to trace it back to a point of origin - not that it’ll do much good, we don’t have any technology that would get us to their ship!
Tosh
Very very worried.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
Jack’s on his way and he sounds PISSED! I mean really, really pissed. God help anybody who gets in the way of the SUV. He’s given me a list of stuff to go look for in the archives. I’m heading down there now, I’ll bring them over to you as you’re more likely to be able to figure them out than me.
Jack’s ETA 7 minutes and dropping.
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe.
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
It’s been three hours. You’d think we’d have heard something by now. Jack says Judoon usually leave an order or warrant or something, but…
They’ll be fine, won’t they?
Tosh
Scared tech wizard.
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
Tosh, I promise I will not rest until I get them both back safe and sound. Just keep tracking that ship and keep monitoring for any incoming messages. They usually leave a written warrant, but keep an eye out.
I'm going to have another look around the office and if I don't find anything I'll go outside and help Owen.
Just keep going, Tosh, we'll get them back. I promise.
(A FURIOUS) Captain Jack Harkness.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
So far I've found three empty cans of Dr Pepper, a scroll and what looks like a T-Mobile sim card. Bringing down the scroll and the sim card, just in case.
Thought I'd better let Tosh scan the scroll before we open it, after the exploding Christmas cards incident.
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe.
Sent from My BlackBerry from Virgin Mobile
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
The scroll is rubbish. The sim card is an arrest warrant. Apparently Gwen and Ianto stole something of great value from the…something empire. It doesn’t want to translate, so it’s almost certainly a name of some sort, but it’s all in symbols so I can’t even sound it out. Jack, come and see if you know anything about it.
It says they’re going to be held for trial within the solar system - I think in orbit around the Moon?
Tosh
Scared tech wizard.
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
Already on my way, Tosh. Just had another look around the Tourist Information Centre and it doesn't look like they've taken anything other than Gwen and Ianto.
Owen, start looking through the archive database for anything that will get me onto that ship. And before either of you say it, YOU'RE NOT COMING WITH ME!
I need you both here incase anything happens and incase something goes wrong with the transport. I'll survive any technical mishaps, you won't and it's not a risk I'm willing to take.
Captain Jack Harkness.
Sent from My BlackBerry from Virgin Mobile
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
Owen, is that flamethrower still in working order? And that armour stuff you and Ianto spent three days playing with while Jack was away?
Tosh
Scared tech wizard.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
Yeah, Tosh, they were both fine last time I saw them. I'll bring them up with some of that transporter stuff Jack wanted. Think I should get that chain-saw thing we found a few months back?
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe.
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
Can’t hurt. Watch out, Jack’s on the warpath again. Jack, you can’t stop us. I’ve found a way to communicate with them - I think. Get down here.
Tosh
Scared tech wizard.
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
Owen, bring anything that looks helpful.
I'm nearly there, Tosh. I will be putting you in charge of communication, but, I repeat, YOU AND OWEN ARE STAYING HERE! Full-lockdown may not stop you, but it will slow you down and I WILL lock you in here if I think you're going to do something rash.
Getting out the lift now.
Captain Jack Harkness.
Sent from My BlackBerry from Virgin Mobile
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
On my way back up; I'm coming through the back entrance as I've got all the stuff on a trolley.
Jack, I'm with Tosh; we're coming with you. For all we know they may need medical attention, and what do you plan on doing if you get up there and need Tosh to do her computer thing?
We understand you’re worried, but face it - we're coming with you.
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe.
Sent from My BlackBerry from Virgin Mobile
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
Right! Fine! I give up, but get a move on, Tosh is trying to make contact with them and we're going as soon as Tosh is finished.
Captain Jack Harkness.
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
…I think we can calm down a little, I’ve just been told that execution is not a punishment for this crime…
But I think there was something about hard labour.
I’ve asked for a description and, if possible, a picture of whatever it is they’re meant to have stolen - it seems likely it’s come through the Rift and Gwen and Ianto picked it up. I have a feeling it might be that box, Jack - the one with the DNA lock? It did have a homing device of some sort.
Tosh
Scared tech wizard.
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
As good as that news is, Tosh, I’ll not feel any better until they’re both back inside the Hub. Keep talking to the Judoon; see if the box is what they’re after and if they’ll be willing to negotiate. The box is still in my office, I’ll bring it down just in case.
Owen, I know you’re reading this over Tosh’s shoulder. Leave those transporter things - I’ll look them over in a minute. I want you to have two kits ready to go; one you can carry and one you can take in the car. I don’t know if we’ll be able to persuade them to meet us at one of the abandoned farms outside Caerphilly or if we’ll have to go up there, but I want to be ready to move-out as soon as we know.
Captain Jack Harkness.
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
They’ll trade as long as the people get a formal apology from Ianto and Gwen and ‘their owner’, according to the translation, but I’m not sure how accurate it is…anyway, I think they mean you, Jack.
The farm is fine, but they’ll only let two people to go, so I’d better stay behind to coordinate. They’ll be there in three hours. I’m not sure why so long, but they wouldn’t compromise on that.
Tosh
Scared tech wizard.
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
Excellent, Tosh. Do they want a verbal apology or a written one? Owen, we’re leaving in ten minutes.
Captain Jack Harkness.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
So if we leave in ten minutes and judging on how fast you drive and the distance between Cardiff and Caerphilly, I’m guessing we’re going to be 2 hours early. Tosh, can I take your Sudoku book? I’ve done the puzzles in today’s papers.
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe.
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
I’m guessing you’ve arrived already. The scanners aren’t showing any sign of activity. I hope they’re alright.
It occurred to me that Gwen will be so angry if she misses the wedding because of this. If anything stops the wedding, Jack, you can tell Rhys.
Tosh
Scared tech wizard.
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
Yes, we’re here, Tosh. I’ll let you know when we’ve got them back.
There’s still a few days left until Gwen’s wedding, so I’m sure I’ll not have to face the wrath of Rhys. If those messages from the Judoon are accurate then Owen suspects the worst thing they’re going to have to deal with is fatigue.
(An impatient) Captain Jack Harkness.
Sent from My BlackBerry from Virgin Mobile
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
I’ve had a message, they should be arriving in ten minutes.
Tosh
Scared tech wizard.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
We’re on our way back now, Tosh. Ianto’s got a cut on his scalp and Gwen’s got some scratches on her arms, but it’s mostly just bruises. Nothing a good night’s sleep and some of that bruise cream won’t fix. I’ll give them both a check-up when we get back, but I’m not worried.
...Saying that, Jack’s driving, so it’s anybody’s guess what sort of a state we’ll be in when we arrive.
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe.
Sent from My BlackBerry from Virgin Mobile
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
I’m thrilled to see you all managed to focus so much on ‘rescuing’ me and Gwen that you were able to leave the archives and the kitchen in impeccable order.
Yes, thank you for the rescue. I’ll be busy sorting things out now. No, there will not be coffee. Yes, Jack, you may come and visit me in the archives.
Ianto
Coffee god, fifth kidnap in and still going strong.
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
I've got a pile of expenses to approve, but I'll come visit you before lunch, make sure you're not over-doing it down there ;)
Seeing as how we're having to fend for ourselves, girls, I suggest we all take turns making coffee runs. If you send me your orders I'll do the first run. Ianto, you want one or are you just making your own?
Gwen, I'm assuming you've been checked over by Owen? If not make sure you've seen him before I get back.
(A relieved) Captain Jack Harkness.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Gwen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
I’m fine, Jack, stop being such a mother hen.
And I’ve warned you before about smileys.
No coffee for me, I’m too jumpy.
Gwen
Shaken but not stirred.
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
Espresso for me, Jack, and I’ll volunteer for the lunch run.
Gwen, is everything sorted for the wedding? You’re having a hen party the night before, aren’t you?
Tosh
Relieved tech wizard, working.
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
Deep breaths, Gwen, your wedding is going to be FINE! Will a hot chocolate make you feel better? One with whipped cream and sprinkles?
One espresso coming up, Tosh. You want a cake or anything to go with it?
I'll go down and ask Ianto if he wants anything. Final orders before I get back up, please.
Captain Jack Harkness (who is NOT procrastinating, no matter what Owen or Ianto says).
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
Oh, he’ll be half an hour now. Gwen, want to take twenty minutes and run up for coffee and maybe an ice cream?
Tosh
Relieved tech wizard, working.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Gwen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
Ooh, sounds great. I’m not panicking, not really, I’m just a bit worried about Rhys’s stag do!
It’s awfully close now.
Give me a couple of minutes to finish this report and I’ll be there, Tosh.
Gwen
Shaken but not stirred.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
Oi! Wait for me! No way I'm staying here on my own when those two are going at it downstairs. Besides, I've got my suit in the locker-rooms, which I need to take to the cleaners.
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
I see an awful lot of work has been done today. Perhaps I should bring archiving work into the main Hub tomorrow.
Gwen is on call only tomorrow and Friday, although she tells me she’ll be in on Friday afternoon to avoid killing Rhys.
Jack, you own a suit. I hope you’ll be wearing it.
Ianto
Coffee god, fifth kidnap in and still going strong.
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
How about I give you a dress rehearsal tonight, Ianto? Dinner for two at Fontana De Trevi?
Thank you to whoever left the fairy-cake on my desk. Now what are you guys after?
(A hopeful) Captain Jack Harkness.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Gwen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
It wasn’t me, but if I was after anything, it’d be for a VERY QUIET three days. The rift can explode once I’m off on my honeymoon as long as it stays quiet until then!!!!
Gwen
Shaken but not stirred.
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
Don’t look at me. I’m off for the night - might be in early tomorrow, I want to run a series of tests.
Owen, did you want to come round and get those dvds later?
Tosh
Tech wizard, very caffeinated.
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
Personally, Gwen, I'd prefer it if the Rift didn't explode at all. Last time it did that I ended up thrown back to 1922, naked, and handcuffed to a weevil.
Not too early, Tosh, and NO work tonight if you insist on coming in early.
(A nostalgic) Captain Jack Harkness.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
I'll leave with you, Tosh, and get those dvds now. I'm on call all night so I’ll probably get most of them, if not all, back to you tomorrow.
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe.
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
The computers are now fully functioning again. Sorry about yesterday, it seems that the baby squirrel rat (which isn’t really a baby anymore - juvenile?) chewed through a cable. I know you like it, Owen, but it really needs some training.
Has anybody seen Ianto? He’s usually in first (well, after Jack, of course!) but I’ve not seen him today, and the kitchen doesn’t look as though he’s been in there.
Tosh
Tech wizard, feeling good.
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
Ianto’s not in today, he’s got a family thing, but he promises he’ll be in bright and early tomorrow and he’s really looking forward to Gwen’s wedding.
Owen, I know you’re still training the rat, but until I’m satisfied that it is fully house-trained then it stays in its cell. It’s allowed out ONLY under supervision.
Seeing as how there’s just me and you for lunch, Tosh, how about we go up that sushi bar that nobody else will order from? Owen, you are of course welcome to join us, just no comments about how disgusting the food looks.
(A hopeful) Captain Jack Harkness.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
Sorry again about yesterday. Baby squirrel rat is now in a new cell.
Thanks for the offer, Jack, but I think I’ll pass. Just thinking of sushi is making my stomach turn.
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe.
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
Sure, Jack, that’d be nice. Half twelve okay?
Ianto mentioned something about you in a suit tomorrow. Was he just teasing us? Will you really be abandoning your beloved coat?
Tosh
Tech wizard, feeling good.
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
Yes, Tosh, tomorrow I will be wearing a suit and leaving my coat behind in the office. On second thoughts, I may leave it in the boot of the car, you never know when it might come in handy ;)
12.30 sounds fine, I’ll come get you then. We can call into Costa on the way back too. I’ve already had three cups today and I’m still suffering withdrawal symptoms from a lack of Ianto’s coffee.
(A decaffeinated) Captain Jack Harkness.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
Oh, bloody hell. Would somebody be able to pick my suit up for me? It’s got to be picked up before 3, but I’m up to my elbows in weevil guts. Finally got a chance to look at several of those dead weevils we picked up last week and so far I’ve had one liver explode on me and three lungs disintegrate into some sort of black goo. I’m hoping it’s just weevil lurgy season again, but I want to look over the other three I’ve got, just to check. Don’t think Gwen would take too well to her wedding being interrupted by a herd of rabid, coughing weevils.
I finished the last of those dvds last night, Tosh. They’re on my desk, remind me to give them back to you before I go home tonight.
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe.
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
…I was out of the Hub for an hour. How the HELL is there a fault with the internal monitors? They were absolutely fine when I left. Owen, if that thing isn’t in its cell I’ll do something. I don’t know what yet, but it won’t be pleasant.
Tosh
Tech wizard, pissed off.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
It’s in the cells downstairs; it keeps eating through the plastic portable ones. It seems to have developed a taste for Perspex, computer wires and jelly babies. I’m trying to keep an eye on it, but that squirrel rat is one fast and sneaky bastard.
...Nobody managed to pick up my suit, did they?
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe and Still Up To His Elbows In Weevil Guts.
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
No, Owen, we didn’t pick up your suit as you didn’t give us your card, nor did you tell us which cleaners it’s at, so we couldn’t even bluff our way through. I’ve got to shout at the PM again soon and Tosh is repairing the damage that squirrel rat did, so I suggest you take a shower and go pick it up yourself. The dead weevils will still be there later.
(A slightly more caffeinated) Captain Jack Harkness.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Gwen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
Alright, I’m here. Distract me. SOMEBODY PLEASE DISTRACT ME.
Gwen
Don’t ask. No, really, DON’T ASK.
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
I don’t know if this is the kind of distraction you’re after, but there’s been Rift activity, and from what I can tell it was something living. It came through in Bute Park, but there’s not enough CCTV coverage to see what it is.
Tosh
Tech wizard, pissed off.
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45
Come on, Gwen. You and I can go check it out. Hopefully, it won’t take too long. Tosh, you stay here and monitor the area in case it appears on a CCTV hotspot. When Owen gets back from the cleaners get him to help you. And make sure he keeps that squirrel rat out of the way!
PM has, once again, tried to pass me onto one of his secretaries, so he can wait until Monday. God I miss Harriet Jones.
(A slightly irate) Captain Jack Harkness.
Part 08