A real entry.. wow...
I know that 95% of the time I tend to write silly, non-sensical things on here, but for once I may use it as something of a sounding board for all the shit that's been running through my head these days. I'm not sure what exactly has caused this.. maybe it's "that phase" so many of my other friends have warned me about that seems to hit at my age. Apparently 25 is supposed to be some milestone age. I don't see it. "That phase" that apparently causes a lot of introspection into what the hell is exactly going on in my life, and what am I doing to make things better or worthwhile for myself. Or maybe it's because I've had an extremely volatile and emotionally stressing year, starting from the very beginning of January. I did get off to a horrible start. I lost a boyfriend that I loved, I lost my job, I lost my residence. I lost out on a scheduled trip to London to see friends that were in school out there, and basically lost any and all direction, motivation, and any sense of confidence and self-worth (and all of this was by mid-February). All culminating with having to move back in with the parents in Arvada. Which, to most people I know, would be the last thing they'd ever want to do. And god knows I didn't want to do it. But I am at least grateful and appreciative that my parents are as supportive and amazing as they are. While they did let me wallow and carry on for a few weeks, they started the ass kicking after something like a month. Which was exactly what I needed. I honestly think that my mom, and especially my stepdad, are the only people that can really get through to me when I feel completely down and out. I love those two more than I could even describe. And I know I'm lucky that I have parents like that. My relationship with both my mom and stepdad is apparently rare.
Things got better, obviously. I started getting job interviews, and finally landed the job I have now in April, though I didn't start until May. Things started looking up. But then I got wind of the news that one of my best friends was in the hospital with a condition that could potentially be terminal. I couldn't even begin to describe how hard it was to hear that.. and how guilty I felt about feeling sorry for myself when she had much more serious things to worry about. I was frustrated that I wasn't self-sufficient for a few months, and here she was facing her own possible mortality at such a young age. And, yet, she never let on if she gave up any hope that she would get better or that she wasn't anything but optimistic that everything would turn out just fine for her. In short, I started to realize how stupid I had been about so many things, and made me appreciate so much more. Including my relationships with the people around me. Especially with her.. that girl is fucking amazing. I remember joking with her and telling her that when I landed in the hospital myself around Easter with both of my kidneys infected and becoming violently sick for a few weeks, it was the best case of sympathy pain EVER. I'm glad she at least found this funny. :) I know she'll read this, and I hope she knows that even though I have a hard time actually saying this in person, she's been more of an influence and inspiration to me than she could ever possibly know. I loves my BFF. :)
Things still got better for me. June came, and Greg, one of my favorite people in the world, came to Denver from NYC to see a friend of his from college, meaning I got to hang out with him while he was here. This was the highlight of my summer. Come July, I moved into my own apartment in Congress Park. Celebrated my 25th birthday in August. It was around this time I realized just how much life can change in the course of a few months.. And then Jason came home to visit from Florida at the end of September. Goddamn, did I miss that boy. True friends are hard to find, but I know I have one in him. Got a raise at work in October, and promoted at the end of that month (and another raise as well). Apparently I kick ass there. :P October was actually a phenomenal month for me. The work stuff made things a bit brighter, I can't lie. Then that was the first month in as long as I can remember where things were starting to settle down. I was going to shows almost back to back (I finally got to see Placebo after waiting for 7 years.. and no, that time frame is *not* an exaggeration), I had a fucking incredible weekend in Las Vegas, and I started really developing some new friendships bringing something new to the table. So to speak. God knows I had some really, really rough spots this spring/summer, but overall, things were good.
But still.. something is missing. While it's great to have a steady job that I seem to be excelling at, friends that I adore, and after months of self doubt and mild depression (which, even according to my closest friends, I don't display really at all), knowing that I'm capable of turning things around for myself, I'm still incredibly restless. There's still an emotional void. I miss having some sort of passion in my life. Not necessarily for another person.. which would be great. I'd LOVE that, actually. But from the two or three dating experiences I've had this year, I'm not holding my breath for that right now. I need to worry about myself and what makes me happy before I worry about having some type of romantic partnership. Earlier this week my friend Lincoln stopped by my place, and for whatever reason, he started asking about the performance stuff I used to do years ago. Probably because he was looking at the little shadowbox I have on my fireplace mantle with a picture of me performing at nationals from 2001, next to my WGI medal from the year Oracle (now apparently called Opus 10) won open class nationals (and I know like 3 of you even know what that means). So he wanted to see pictures from back in those days (I did Oracle from 2001-2003 - not to mention what all I did during throughout high school). So I dug them out and started showing them to him. Even though I know I couldn't possibly get back into it, since it used to take up most of my time back in those days, I miss having something that I *loved* to do. Showing Lincoln those pictures made me realize it all that much more. I hated giving up Friday-Sundays for rehearsals, and 2-3 weeknights on top of that taking dance classes for so many years. I resented that while my friends were going out and having social lives and talking about all the fun they used to have, I was in some middle school gym every Friday night, and 8-12 hours a day on Saturday and Sundays for 8 months out of the year sweating my ass off, getting yelled at by my instructor(s), injuring myself and breaking bones (literally.. I can't tell you how many times I've fractured fingers/knees/ankles/hip (like an old fucking man) or broken toes while I did color/winter guard). But, for me, it was all worth it during performances. Even during a local show where a 200-300 people would be watching the performance, I couldn't even explain the feeling of having people applaud what you just did, and even give standing ovations (Oracle was the shit in Denver during my day.. haha). I wish I could describe that feeling.. but I couldn't do it properly. Then there were the regionals and national title competitions. National competitions are usually held in Dayton, Ohio (crappy ass city, lemme tell you.. I've been there enough times to tell you from experience). The University of Dayton arena (where national finals are held every year) holds something like 12,000 people. And, yes, I looked it up. Granted, due to the nature of the activity, only the front and sides of the arena were occupied with spectators (you have to remember how many are other performing groups from around the country, and some internationally, but you get the idea). NOTHING could ever compare to that feeling of performing for that many people. I miss being a performer so much. I can't even watch the videos from those days because they make me want to cry. And I'm talking the videos from my freshman year of high school (1995-1996) though my last year with Oracle (2003). I know that I couldn't do it to that extent again, but I hate feeling like I gave it all up to be another corporate worker bee during 40+ hours a week. But apparently that's what being an "adult" means. :P
So what am I going to do about it? I've starting doing some research on dance studios around Denver, and I've decided that I want to start taking dance classes after the holidays again. Primarily ballet. Which means I basically have like 1.5 months to try to get myself back in shape. And by that, I mean building up cardiovascular strength again, and stretching to become much more flexible. I used to be able to so the splits all three ways. Not even close now. My "floor" second position and leg extensions are pathetic compared to what it used to be (again, not many of you will understand what the hell I'm talking about). So, in the meantime, I'm going to start taking yoga and pilates classes through work. There's a fully functional gym with personal trainers and fitness classes in my office building for employees, so I figure that if I'm going to have to be there so much, I should take advantage of what all is offered there. I still run on the treadmill in the "fitness center" in my apartment building whenever I can (which has started to be like 1-2 times a week if I'm lucky... damn 10-12 hour workdays), but I miss being a physically active person. The treadmill isn't enough for me anymore. I don't know if I want to do really any performances or anything for the time being, but I just want to do something that I know I used to really enjoy. I think that's enough for me right now. Down the road... who knows.
Also, I want to go back to school. I miss it. Not so much the homework and writing papers and all of that, but I miss the classroom experience. Call me crazy. But I know that I'm already on track to be bumped up a level at work after the next 6 months (the shortest amount of time that would be considered between promotions for my department at work), and I fully intend to get that promotion come May. That way, I can get the pay raise that comes with it, and work on saving enough money to get back to school in the fall of 2007. I want to finish school on my own merit and my own dime (a huge goal in itself), and then move up in the company I work for now. I like my job enough now and the way that things run there that I would want to stay with them. I eventually want to get the business degree and move up into human resources. I loved doing the hiring and compliance stuff ever since I was a retail manager, and I know that I could stay with my current employer and do just that. I found out how much I could make with a degree in that particular department, and I would say it's totally worth my time going back to school for it. So hopefully I can stay on the timeline I set for myself and actually get it done.
I realize that was a looooooooooooooooooooong ass entry. If you actually made it though the entire thing, you deserve my congratulations. Seeing as though I finally started to figure some shit out in my life, I wanted to get it out so other people could actually see it as well. It's always good to get some sort of input on that sort of thing.
On that note, I think it's time for me to go to bed.
Things got better, obviously. I started getting job interviews, and finally landed the job I have now in April, though I didn't start until May. Things started looking up. But then I got wind of the news that one of my best friends was in the hospital with a condition that could potentially be terminal. I couldn't even begin to describe how hard it was to hear that.. and how guilty I felt about feeling sorry for myself when she had much more serious things to worry about. I was frustrated that I wasn't self-sufficient for a few months, and here she was facing her own possible mortality at such a young age. And, yet, she never let on if she gave up any hope that she would get better or that she wasn't anything but optimistic that everything would turn out just fine for her. In short, I started to realize how stupid I had been about so many things, and made me appreciate so much more. Including my relationships with the people around me. Especially with her.. that girl is fucking amazing. I remember joking with her and telling her that when I landed in the hospital myself around Easter with both of my kidneys infected and becoming violently sick for a few weeks, it was the best case of sympathy pain EVER. I'm glad she at least found this funny. :) I know she'll read this, and I hope she knows that even though I have a hard time actually saying this in person, she's been more of an influence and inspiration to me than she could ever possibly know. I loves my BFF. :)
Things still got better for me. June came, and Greg, one of my favorite people in the world, came to Denver from NYC to see a friend of his from college, meaning I got to hang out with him while he was here. This was the highlight of my summer. Come July, I moved into my own apartment in Congress Park. Celebrated my 25th birthday in August. It was around this time I realized just how much life can change in the course of a few months.. And then Jason came home to visit from Florida at the end of September. Goddamn, did I miss that boy. True friends are hard to find, but I know I have one in him. Got a raise at work in October, and promoted at the end of that month (and another raise as well). Apparently I kick ass there. :P October was actually a phenomenal month for me. The work stuff made things a bit brighter, I can't lie. Then that was the first month in as long as I can remember where things were starting to settle down. I was going to shows almost back to back (I finally got to see Placebo after waiting for 7 years.. and no, that time frame is *not* an exaggeration), I had a fucking incredible weekend in Las Vegas, and I started really developing some new friendships bringing something new to the table. So to speak. God knows I had some really, really rough spots this spring/summer, but overall, things were good.
But still.. something is missing. While it's great to have a steady job that I seem to be excelling at, friends that I adore, and after months of self doubt and mild depression (which, even according to my closest friends, I don't display really at all), knowing that I'm capable of turning things around for myself, I'm still incredibly restless. There's still an emotional void. I miss having some sort of passion in my life. Not necessarily for another person.. which would be great. I'd LOVE that, actually. But from the two or three dating experiences I've had this year, I'm not holding my breath for that right now. I need to worry about myself and what makes me happy before I worry about having some type of romantic partnership. Earlier this week my friend Lincoln stopped by my place, and for whatever reason, he started asking about the performance stuff I used to do years ago. Probably because he was looking at the little shadowbox I have on my fireplace mantle with a picture of me performing at nationals from 2001, next to my WGI medal from the year Oracle (now apparently called Opus 10) won open class nationals (and I know like 3 of you even know what that means). So he wanted to see pictures from back in those days (I did Oracle from 2001-2003 - not to mention what all I did during throughout high school). So I dug them out and started showing them to him. Even though I know I couldn't possibly get back into it, since it used to take up most of my time back in those days, I miss having something that I *loved* to do. Showing Lincoln those pictures made me realize it all that much more. I hated giving up Friday-Sundays for rehearsals, and 2-3 weeknights on top of that taking dance classes for so many years. I resented that while my friends were going out and having social lives and talking about all the fun they used to have, I was in some middle school gym every Friday night, and 8-12 hours a day on Saturday and Sundays for 8 months out of the year sweating my ass off, getting yelled at by my instructor(s), injuring myself and breaking bones (literally.. I can't tell you how many times I've fractured fingers/knees/ankles/hip (like an old fucking man) or broken toes while I did color/winter guard). But, for me, it was all worth it during performances. Even during a local show where a 200-300 people would be watching the performance, I couldn't even explain the feeling of having people applaud what you just did, and even give standing ovations (Oracle was the shit in Denver during my day.. haha). I wish I could describe that feeling.. but I couldn't do it properly. Then there were the regionals and national title competitions. National competitions are usually held in Dayton, Ohio (crappy ass city, lemme tell you.. I've been there enough times to tell you from experience). The University of Dayton arena (where national finals are held every year) holds something like 12,000 people. And, yes, I looked it up. Granted, due to the nature of the activity, only the front and sides of the arena were occupied with spectators (you have to remember how many are other performing groups from around the country, and some internationally, but you get the idea). NOTHING could ever compare to that feeling of performing for that many people. I miss being a performer so much. I can't even watch the videos from those days because they make me want to cry. And I'm talking the videos from my freshman year of high school (1995-1996) though my last year with Oracle (2003). I know that I couldn't do it to that extent again, but I hate feeling like I gave it all up to be another corporate worker bee during 40+ hours a week. But apparently that's what being an "adult" means. :P
So what am I going to do about it? I've starting doing some research on dance studios around Denver, and I've decided that I want to start taking dance classes after the holidays again. Primarily ballet. Which means I basically have like 1.5 months to try to get myself back in shape. And by that, I mean building up cardiovascular strength again, and stretching to become much more flexible. I used to be able to so the splits all three ways. Not even close now. My "floor" second position and leg extensions are pathetic compared to what it used to be (again, not many of you will understand what the hell I'm talking about). So, in the meantime, I'm going to start taking yoga and pilates classes through work. There's a fully functional gym with personal trainers and fitness classes in my office building for employees, so I figure that if I'm going to have to be there so much, I should take advantage of what all is offered there. I still run on the treadmill in the "fitness center" in my apartment building whenever I can (which has started to be like 1-2 times a week if I'm lucky... damn 10-12 hour workdays), but I miss being a physically active person. The treadmill isn't enough for me anymore. I don't know if I want to do really any performances or anything for the time being, but I just want to do something that I know I used to really enjoy. I think that's enough for me right now. Down the road... who knows.
Also, I want to go back to school. I miss it. Not so much the homework and writing papers and all of that, but I miss the classroom experience. Call me crazy. But I know that I'm already on track to be bumped up a level at work after the next 6 months (the shortest amount of time that would be considered between promotions for my department at work), and I fully intend to get that promotion come May. That way, I can get the pay raise that comes with it, and work on saving enough money to get back to school in the fall of 2007. I want to finish school on my own merit and my own dime (a huge goal in itself), and then move up in the company I work for now. I like my job enough now and the way that things run there that I would want to stay with them. I eventually want to get the business degree and move up into human resources. I loved doing the hiring and compliance stuff ever since I was a retail manager, and I know that I could stay with my current employer and do just that. I found out how much I could make with a degree in that particular department, and I would say it's totally worth my time going back to school for it. So hopefully I can stay on the timeline I set for myself and actually get it done.
I realize that was a looooooooooooooooooooong ass entry. If you actually made it though the entire thing, you deserve my congratulations. Seeing as though I finally started to figure some shit out in my life, I wanted to get it out so other people could actually see it as well. It's always good to get some sort of input on that sort of thing.
On that note, I think it's time for me to go to bed.