'will you remember me? cuz i know i won't forget you' huge rant. so skip if u want.
I heard you're doin' okay
But I want you to know
I'm addic-
I'm addicted to you
I can't pretend I don't care
When you don't think about me
Do you think I deserve this?
I try to make you happy
But you left anyway
I'm tryin' to forget
But I'm addicted to you
But I wanted
And I needed
I'm addicted to you
Now it's over
Can't forget what you said
And I never
Want to do this again
Heartbreaker
Heartbreaker
Heartbreaker
Since the day I met you
And after all we've been through
Still addic-
I'm addicted to you
I think you know that it's true
I'd run a thousand miles to get to you
Do you think I deserve this
I tried to make you happy
I did all that I could
Just to treat you good in every way
I'm tryin' to forget
But I'm addicted to you
But I wanted
And I needed
I'm addicted to you
Now it's over
Can't forget what you said
And I never
Want to do this again
Heartbreaker
Heartbreaker
Heartbreaker
How long will I be waiting
Till the end of time
I don't know why I'm still waiting
I can't make you mine
I'm trying to forget
But I'm addicted to you
But I wanted
And I needed
I'm addicted to you
I'm trying to forget
But I'm addicted to you
But I wanted
And I needed
I'm addicted to you
Now it's over
Can't forget what you said
And I never
Want to do this again
Heartbreaker
Heartbreaker
Heartbreaker
I'm addicted to you
Heartbreaker
I'm addicted to you
Heartbreaker
I'm addicted to you
Heartbreaker
I'm addicted to you
Heartbreaker
anyway, i don't know what to think. i really don't. i'm so angry. i'm so hurt. i'm so upset. i'm so annoyed. and yet i'm so blank. i don't know what to do. but i do know what i'm not going to do:
hurt myself, hurt anyone else
spread rumors
go commando
freak out
but AGH i don't know what to do. i don't know what i'm feeling. i don't know who to believe. i don't know i just do not know and i hate that feeling so much.
do i believe Austin? i say i love him. i do. then why do i feel like he's lying to me? even after i've approached him about this?
do i believe my friends? one good thing about all this is that i've really learned who my friends are and just how much so many people care for me. i was suicidal. or just really, really depressed, and when i told some people that i wrote a note...the reaction was so amazing. they actually cared, and they did something about it. they talked to me. and...that just felt sooo good to know that people really do love me. Austin said something--'friends will always be with you no matter what' and i'm learning that's so true. I still love Austin, even though he's hurt me by lying. I'm not positive that what he's saying is a lie or the truth, but i still have the feeling that he is. But I still trust him with my life. And I have found a few really, really close friends. And they weren't necessarily ones that were already my supposedly good friends. I'll point out some [ no particular order ]:
Allie. Allie and i were friends in 7th grade, not so close in 8th and started to get closer in 9th. and then she got a journal, and i got to know her a lot more. And when I wrote a bunch of things in here, she automatically came and asked me what was wrong and everything. Allie, that means so much to me and thank you.
Emily. Emily and i have always been friends, and i've always considered her one of my close friends, but this whole austin thing has really made me appreciate her even more and i love her so much for that! i've learned that whenever i need someone, she'll always be there for me, and i will always be there for her. plus, she's so damn funny and she can always bring my spirits back up no matter what.
Katie. I just started to know Katie this year. through some classes and cheerleading. i didn't really hang out with her until i guess, basketball season. then cheerleading ended and she still considered me a friend and that was just really nice of her. we always have fun, and she's like a big sister to me--helping me out with 'new stuff' and mentoring me...haha. I don't blame her for the Austin thing, she did nothing but introduce us. She's always been there for me, and even though in the middle of my relationship with Austin, i was kinda pissed at her, when i needed her, she came to my rescue. And she's still here, and she'll always be here, just as i'll always be here for her. and we're skipping together tomorrow!!! haha we're so badass...lol
Danica. Danica has always been a close friend and when i wrote my note and she was one of the first people that popped into my head, i realized just how much i cherish her. i can always talk to her about everything, and she's also like a sister and i love that so much!
there are more, just that these are the ones that are seriously, at my side right now, and i love them all soooo much for it!
ok now let's see...Austin rant or talk or whatever...
i feel so bad. i don't know who to believe. i really don't. i want to form my own opinion or whatever. i still love him. and it's probably bad for me to say it for some reason, but i do. i'll always have feelings for him no matter what. but no one believes him [for a good cause] but i still feel bad.
there's this guy, kevin...he dresses almost exactly like austin and i see him all the time and it fucking annoys me! ahhh--i'm not going to see austin around yorktown, so i'm like 'holy fuck is that austin?! oh no...it's just kevin' well, not JUST kevin but yeah. haha anyway...
Austin: i know, bt she says i got involved 4 the wrong reasons and thinks im playing these games ands its pissing me off
me: i'm sorry
Austin: i know ur thinking it 2, so dont say sorry
Austin: but im pissed off about it
me: well i don't think you went out for me because of head but i just don't know what else to believe. i want to believe you so bad i really do but i just don't know and i'm sorry
Austin: see, this fucking pisses me off, no1 belives me
me: i'm sorry i really am but it's just so frustrating because on one hand, one of my closest friends and ex is saying something, but my other closest friends are saying something different and i just need an opinion of my own
Austin: fine ok, think what u want, im 2 tired 2 argue
me: austin...just give me some time. you've already given me more than enough time but...i don't know i just don't want to get hurt again and...yeah.
Austin: i dont c ne way u wood get hurt... noting is happening right now
me: ah i just need to get my own opinion and not listen to crap people are throwing at me. i'm not saying what you're saying is crap, but i just really need my own opinion to NOT get hurt in the future--from anyone
Austin: ok
i feel reeeeaally bad because...i dunno...i just do.
ahhh i don't feel like ranting right now. i'll just talk about my day...
ok well on sunday, my parents had gone to the cambodian embassy in dc because my relatives in france [i didn't even know i had relatives in france] sent over bunches of things from cambodia [i think that's right]. my mom gave me a really pretty light purple shirt with a tie on the left side which i wore yesterday, a really light, pretty, light orange shirt that shows the shoulders which i wore today, and a light blue shirt that's just really pretty and i'll probably wear tomorrow. so i wore the orange shirt with a skirt and sneakers to not look slutty. i just have a thing with wearing big heels with skirts cuz it makes me feel slutty. anyway, i went to spanish, and that was ok. i did ok on a spanish quiz. health was mucho boring. and we watched a really sick video about the effects of smoking and chewing tobacco and there was this autopsy...nasty shit man. i'm never smoking, drinking, or doing drugs. i know it's easy to say, and i'll probably try smoking and do some social drinking, but it's just too disgusting to think of. business was boring. miss kincel was back [she was gone yesterday]. she looked REALLY pretty though! she got a new outfit [she said so] and she crimped her hair and wore some better makeup and i liked it! more sucking up for jessica haha. lunch was fun. jenny and courtney came over to ask to see my hw and i gave it to them. but after they left, helen told me to not show it to them or just say no and it makes me feel special to know that she cares :) oh and speaking of feeling special, kt told me yesterday and today that a lot of people have been saying that i'm so much better/prettier than Abby and that Austin's a jackass to do that to me and i'm so nice and I don't deserve to be treated like that. And kt told me that even people i don't even KNOW have been saying that. whether it's true or not, i dunno but it still makes me feel really, really good about this whole thing.
ooomigod jon g. was going aroud with this guy, ryan f. who used to live here but went to taiwan for a few months. but he's back, and he was shadowing jon and jon sits across from me in bio so guess who also sat across from me? yeeep. i dunno if i'm crazy or not, or if i'm just comparing him to austin, but i really don't think ryan is hott. he's pretty good-looking, and semi-hott, but i don't think he's like 'the hottest guy from swanson.' i really don't. i really dont. ahh in geometry, tim keeps looking at me all weird...which could be a good thing but i don't like weird looks. i just want them to tell me what they're thinking and not SHOW me that they're thinking. jeez louise. or how thiell says it now: jee to the bus. haha. i didn't steal it from you emily! i'm saying you use it! hahaha
thiell: AWW YOU CAN'T STEAL JEEBUS BEFORE ME
thiell: i must update now! heheh
x jessicalicious (7:04:49 PM): i'm saying that YOU used it!
thiell: oooh hahhha
thiell: i was ilk e"THAT'S LIKE USING A PRESENT BEFORE I HAVE. NOOOOOOO" *dives infront of president*
leeewseeerrr. haha love that girl. anyway...block was boring as hell. we have an in-class essay and i'm not looking forward to it. but i AM looking forward to skipping probably 1st through 4th period with kt!!! it's odd block tomorrow, so i'm skipping at least spanish, she's skipping photo. and my 3rd is business, her's is geometry. my 4th is lunch, her's is biology, and then her 5th is lunch, mine is biology. so like, i dunno it could work out at least through 3rd. but like i've said before, i guess seeing 'goody two shoes jessica' skip class for the first time ever made her wanna do it too =D i like it when i affect people. dats kewl yo~*!
luv ya lots,
*~jessica~*
But I want you to know
I'm addic-
I'm addicted to you
I can't pretend I don't care
When you don't think about me
Do you think I deserve this?
I try to make you happy
But you left anyway
I'm tryin' to forget
But I'm addicted to you
But I wanted
And I needed
I'm addicted to you
Now it's over
Can't forget what you said
And I never
Want to do this again
Heartbreaker
Heartbreaker
Heartbreaker
Since the day I met you
And after all we've been through
Still addic-
I'm addicted to you
I think you know that it's true
I'd run a thousand miles to get to you
Do you think I deserve this
I tried to make you happy
I did all that I could
Just to treat you good in every way
I'm tryin' to forget
But I'm addicted to you
But I wanted
And I needed
I'm addicted to you
Now it's over
Can't forget what you said
And I never
Want to do this again
Heartbreaker
Heartbreaker
Heartbreaker
How long will I be waiting
Till the end of time
I don't know why I'm still waiting
I can't make you mine
I'm trying to forget
But I'm addicted to you
But I wanted
And I needed
I'm addicted to you
I'm trying to forget
But I'm addicted to you
But I wanted
And I needed
I'm addicted to you
Now it's over
Can't forget what you said
And I never
Want to do this again
Heartbreaker
Heartbreaker
Heartbreaker
I'm addicted to you
Heartbreaker
I'm addicted to you
Heartbreaker
I'm addicted to you
Heartbreaker
I'm addicted to you
Heartbreaker
anyway, i don't know what to think. i really don't. i'm so angry. i'm so hurt. i'm so upset. i'm so annoyed. and yet i'm so blank. i don't know what to do. but i do know what i'm not going to do:
but AGH i don't know what to do. i don't know what i'm feeling. i don't know who to believe. i don't know i just do not know and i hate that feeling so much.
do i believe Austin? i say i love him. i do. then why do i feel like he's lying to me? even after i've approached him about this?
do i believe my friends? one good thing about all this is that i've really learned who my friends are and just how much so many people care for me. i was suicidal. or just really, really depressed, and when i told some people that i wrote a note...the reaction was so amazing. they actually cared, and they did something about it. they talked to me. and...that just felt sooo good to know that people really do love me. Austin said something--'friends will always be with you no matter what' and i'm learning that's so true. I still love Austin, even though he's hurt me by lying. I'm not positive that what he's saying is a lie or the truth, but i still have the feeling that he is. But I still trust him with my life. And I have found a few really, really close friends. And they weren't necessarily ones that were already my supposedly good friends. I'll point out some [ no particular order ]:
there are more, just that these are the ones that are seriously, at my side right now, and i love them all soooo much for it!
ok now let's see...Austin rant or talk or whatever...
Austin: i know, bt she says i got involved 4 the wrong reasons and thinks im playing these games ands its pissing me off
me: i'm sorry
Austin: i know ur thinking it 2, so dont say sorry
Austin: but im pissed off about it
me: well i don't think you went out for me because of head but i just don't know what else to believe. i want to believe you so bad i really do but i just don't know and i'm sorry
Austin: see, this fucking pisses me off, no1 belives me
me: i'm sorry i really am but it's just so frustrating because on one hand, one of my closest friends and ex is saying something, but my other closest friends are saying something different and i just need an opinion of my own
Austin: fine ok, think what u want, im 2 tired 2 argue
me: austin...just give me some time. you've already given me more than enough time but...i don't know i just don't want to get hurt again and...yeah.
Austin: i dont c ne way u wood get hurt... noting is happening right now
me: ah i just need to get my own opinion and not listen to crap people are throwing at me. i'm not saying what you're saying is crap, but i just really need my own opinion to NOT get hurt in the future--from anyone
Austin: ok
i feel reeeeaally bad because...i dunno...i just do.
ahhh i don't feel like ranting right now. i'll just talk about my day...
ok well on sunday, my parents had gone to the cambodian embassy in dc because my relatives in france [i didn't even know i had relatives in france] sent over bunches of things from cambodia [i think that's right]. my mom gave me a really pretty light purple shirt with a tie on the left side which i wore yesterday, a really light, pretty, light orange shirt that shows the shoulders which i wore today, and a light blue shirt that's just really pretty and i'll probably wear tomorrow. so i wore the orange shirt with a skirt and sneakers to not look slutty. i just have a thing with wearing big heels with skirts cuz it makes me feel slutty. anyway, i went to spanish, and that was ok. i did ok on a spanish quiz. health was mucho boring. and we watched a really sick video about the effects of smoking and chewing tobacco and there was this autopsy...nasty shit man. i'm never smoking, drinking, or doing drugs. i know it's easy to say, and i'll probably try smoking and do some social drinking, but it's just too disgusting to think of. business was boring. miss kincel was back [she was gone yesterday]. she looked REALLY pretty though! she got a new outfit [she said so] and she crimped her hair and wore some better makeup and i liked it! more sucking up for jessica haha. lunch was fun. jenny and courtney came over to ask to see my hw and i gave it to them. but after they left, helen told me to not show it to them or just say no and it makes me feel special to know that she cares :) oh and speaking of feeling special, kt told me yesterday and today that a lot of people have been saying that i'm so much better/prettier than Abby and that Austin's a jackass to do that to me and i'm so nice and I don't deserve to be treated like that. And kt told me that even people i don't even KNOW have been saying that. whether it's true or not, i dunno but it still makes me feel really, really good about this whole thing.
ooomigod jon g. was going aroud with this guy, ryan f. who used to live here but went to taiwan for a few months. but he's back, and he was shadowing jon and jon sits across from me in bio so guess who also sat across from me? yeeep. i dunno if i'm crazy or not, or if i'm just comparing him to austin, but i really don't think ryan is hott. he's pretty good-looking, and semi-hott, but i don't think he's like 'the hottest guy from swanson.' i really don't. i really dont. ahh in geometry, tim keeps looking at me all weird...which could be a good thing but i don't like weird looks. i just want them to tell me what they're thinking and not SHOW me that they're thinking. jeez louise. or how thiell says it now: jee to the bus. haha. i didn't steal it from you emily! i'm saying you use it! hahaha
thiell: AWW YOU CAN'T STEAL JEEBUS BEFORE ME
thiell: i must update now! heheh
x jessicalicious (7:04:49 PM): i'm saying that YOU used it!
thiell: oooh hahhha
thiell: i was ilk e"THAT'S LIKE USING A PRESENT BEFORE I HAVE. NOOOOOOO" *dives infront of president*
leeewseeerrr. haha love that girl. anyway...block was boring as hell. we have an in-class essay and i'm not looking forward to it. but i AM looking forward to skipping probably 1st through 4th period with kt!!! it's odd block tomorrow, so i'm skipping at least spanish, she's skipping photo. and my 3rd is business, her's is geometry. my 4th is lunch, her's is biology, and then her 5th is lunch, mine is biology. so like, i dunno it could work out at least through 3rd. but like i've said before, i guess seeing 'goody two shoes jessica' skip class for the first time ever made her wanna do it too =D i like it when i affect people. dats kewl yo~*!
luv ya lots,
*~jessica~*