"I wish you were here"
Tis been a long while since I've updated, I know. Been occupied with other things which are taking up more of my time. I have been leaving small updates on my Facebook, but I really need to catch up on everything. Lots of stuff is happening!
For one, I seem to be perpetually increasing--in size, in mass, in density. I now weigh 137 pounds (up from the 115 it says on my license), and a lot of that is (hopefully) muscle. Speaking of which, I have shoulders now! They used to be pretty flat across to my neck, but now I have shouldery-neck muscles going up at a 30 degree angle (or something). I was super excited when I noticed them in the mirror. Finn has also made comments on my arms, to the note of how defined they're getting along with increasing in size. Another thing on which comments have been made, and which is also increasing, is my belly. I totally have a little man belly now. Don't know what I'm going to do about that; I might just keep it in homage to my father. =)
Parts of me that are decreasing include my butt and my man-boobs. Butt's cutting in on the sides, and my pants are less tight in the back. I can go out in public sans binder/sport bra and, as long as I'm wearing layers or a dark shirt, I'm fine. Also, wearing a sport bra now binds mostly effectively, as the firmness/definition has gone out of my man-boobs. (I can only guess that it has gone into my belly.) I'm enjoying being able to wear less and pass more.
In other areas of change, my genitals are still going nuts. (Ha! Punny..) I keep noticing new increases and different shapes without even using a mirror. When I do haul out a mirror to take a look, it's like damn, boy! Definitely exciting. But, that's enough about that; I think my mother reads this.
My voice is getting lower, but I'm beginning to notice it cracking (sort of) every so often so it goes higher. Kind of embarrassing; I don't know if people think I'm a prepubescent boy or a girl, but whatever. This too shall pass. And...I'm also getting acne again. Beautiful, I know. It didn't hit me too hard the first time through puberty, so hopefully it won't be too bad this time. Face is alright in my opinion, but (pun!) other areas are problematic. Yes, everyone, Nathan's got butt acne. I don't really ever see it, so it doesn't bother me, but certain individuals are highly interested in making sure I wash my bottom thoroughly. Acne's also appearing on shoulders and back/neck every so often. It's not too bad, so it doesn't bother me.
I think I might be getting the beginnings of chest-ish hair, but I could just be imagining things. It looks a very tiny bit longer, curlier, and thicker. I'll have to keep my eyes on that. I'm definitely beginning to form what is called a "happy trail," though--there's a noticeable increase there. My leg hair is still recovering from Florida, but it seems to be turning more boyish overall to me. Sadly, there is no sign of facial hair at this point. That tends to take forever for most transguys, though, so yes.
Personality has changed too, but in ways that are harder (for me) to define. Quicker to anger/frustration, shorter in temper. I seem to have more violent ups and downs, and oh damn the downs they are bad. I don't know how much of that is due to the testosterone, however, and how much is due to personal shit I'm going through. I've been more closed off lately, harder to access emotionally and physically. My independent streak has come back with a vengeance, and sometimes I feel like I neither need nor want anyone's help, regardless of whether or not they want to give it. It's tough to be isolated, sure, but at the same time I don't want anyone to come near me. I don't know what I'm going to do about that at this point, but there's no way that this can become part of my new(er) personality. I'm working on it, though--I am seeing these therapists for a reason.
I am also becoming a tiny little carnivore. The meat, it tastes so good! And is so appealing! I never thought I'd see the day, but wow. It's like I can't resist. I've heard that other transguys share this experience, so I think it must be the protein. Damn it is delicious.
Turned in official name-change papers a week ago yesterday, but then got a letter in the mail yesterday that said my fee waiver request had been denied. It said I had "Failed to explain source of household income - those who pay for living." I don't know if it's worth filing another fee waiver request to say that oh, my parents supply the majority of my income; I guess I'm not really that poor. I might--actually, I'm pretty sure I will--ask my parents if I can have it for my birthday. It costs $350, which I do not have at the moment. I feel like it is worth noting here that yes, I recognize and acknowledge my privilege in this situation.
I've also had various appointments with Stephanie, my ADAPT (Alcohol, Drug Abuse Prevention & Treatment, a program focusing on alcohol, tobacco, and other drug issues) counselor to deal with the smoking. She had given me some 2 mg Nicorette chewing gum, but then gave me some 4 mg at my last appointment cause the lower strength wasn't quite doing it. Turns out I was more addicted to nicotine than I had thought. Haven't smoked in a while, and I'm using the gum regularly. (It's 'White Ice Mint' flavor, which is tastier than not.) Interactions between nicotine and testosterone aren't good, apparently (par. 21)--more motivation to quit. Part of my intent in being so public about this is so that I can be held accountable in a more concrete way, but not in such a way that makes others responsible for my actions. I've got to be a big boy and take responsibility for myself, which is something I have avoided for a while. So that's that.
I am leaving out mention of a few other pertinent developments which do not require such public viewing. If you'd like to know what's going on in more detail, talk to me! I don't do phone conversations so well, but can if required by distance. I also like tea, hot or cold.
I'll make a concerted effort to update more frequently in the future. Until next time, then~
**Note: None of this speaks to generalized changes for all individuals undergoing hormone therapy, but is only my story. There will certainly be similarities, but you've gotta talk to each person for the specifics of their story.
For one, I seem to be perpetually increasing--in size, in mass, in density. I now weigh 137 pounds (up from the 115 it says on my license), and a lot of that is (hopefully) muscle. Speaking of which, I have shoulders now! They used to be pretty flat across to my neck, but now I have shouldery-neck muscles going up at a 30 degree angle (or something). I was super excited when I noticed them in the mirror. Finn has also made comments on my arms, to the note of how defined they're getting along with increasing in size. Another thing on which comments have been made, and which is also increasing, is my belly. I totally have a little man belly now. Don't know what I'm going to do about that; I might just keep it in homage to my father. =)
Parts of me that are decreasing include my butt and my man-boobs. Butt's cutting in on the sides, and my pants are less tight in the back. I can go out in public sans binder/sport bra and, as long as I'm wearing layers or a dark shirt, I'm fine. Also, wearing a sport bra now binds mostly effectively, as the firmness/definition has gone out of my man-boobs. (I can only guess that it has gone into my belly.) I'm enjoying being able to wear less and pass more.
In other areas of change, my genitals are still going nuts. (Ha! Punny..) I keep noticing new increases and different shapes without even using a mirror. When I do haul out a mirror to take a look, it's like damn, boy! Definitely exciting. But, that's enough about that; I think my mother reads this.
My voice is getting lower, but I'm beginning to notice it cracking (sort of) every so often so it goes higher. Kind of embarrassing; I don't know if people think I'm a prepubescent boy or a girl, but whatever. This too shall pass. And...I'm also getting acne again. Beautiful, I know. It didn't hit me too hard the first time through puberty, so hopefully it won't be too bad this time. Face is alright in my opinion, but (pun!) other areas are problematic. Yes, everyone, Nathan's got butt acne. I don't really ever see it, so it doesn't bother me, but certain individuals are highly interested in making sure I wash my bottom thoroughly. Acne's also appearing on shoulders and back/neck every so often. It's not too bad, so it doesn't bother me.
I think I might be getting the beginnings of chest-ish hair, but I could just be imagining things. It looks a very tiny bit longer, curlier, and thicker. I'll have to keep my eyes on that. I'm definitely beginning to form what is called a "happy trail," though--there's a noticeable increase there. My leg hair is still recovering from Florida, but it seems to be turning more boyish overall to me. Sadly, there is no sign of facial hair at this point. That tends to take forever for most transguys, though, so yes.
Personality has changed too, but in ways that are harder (for me) to define. Quicker to anger/frustration, shorter in temper. I seem to have more violent ups and downs, and oh damn the downs they are bad. I don't know how much of that is due to the testosterone, however, and how much is due to personal shit I'm going through. I've been more closed off lately, harder to access emotionally and physically. My independent streak has come back with a vengeance, and sometimes I feel like I neither need nor want anyone's help, regardless of whether or not they want to give it. It's tough to be isolated, sure, but at the same time I don't want anyone to come near me. I don't know what I'm going to do about that at this point, but there's no way that this can become part of my new(er) personality. I'm working on it, though--I am seeing these therapists for a reason.
I am also becoming a tiny little carnivore. The meat, it tastes so good! And is so appealing! I never thought I'd see the day, but wow. It's like I can't resist. I've heard that other transguys share this experience, so I think it must be the protein. Damn it is delicious.
Turned in official name-change papers a week ago yesterday, but then got a letter in the mail yesterday that said my fee waiver request had been denied. It said I had "Failed to explain source of household income - those who pay for living." I don't know if it's worth filing another fee waiver request to say that oh, my parents supply the majority of my income; I guess I'm not really that poor. I might--actually, I'm pretty sure I will--ask my parents if I can have it for my birthday. It costs $350, which I do not have at the moment. I feel like it is worth noting here that yes, I recognize and acknowledge my privilege in this situation.
I've also had various appointments with Stephanie, my ADAPT (Alcohol, Drug Abuse Prevention & Treatment, a program focusing on alcohol, tobacco, and other drug issues) counselor to deal with the smoking. She had given me some 2 mg Nicorette chewing gum, but then gave me some 4 mg at my last appointment cause the lower strength wasn't quite doing it. Turns out I was more addicted to nicotine than I had thought. Haven't smoked in a while, and I'm using the gum regularly. (It's 'White Ice Mint' flavor, which is tastier than not.) Interactions between nicotine and testosterone aren't good, apparently (par. 21)--more motivation to quit. Part of my intent in being so public about this is so that I can be held accountable in a more concrete way, but not in such a way that makes others responsible for my actions. I've got to be a big boy and take responsibility for myself, which is something I have avoided for a while. So that's that.
I am leaving out mention of a few other pertinent developments which do not require such public viewing. If you'd like to know what's going on in more detail, talk to me! I don't do phone conversations so well, but can if required by distance. I also like tea, hot or cold.
I'll make a concerted effort to update more frequently in the future. Until next time, then~
**Note: None of this speaks to generalized changes for all individuals undergoing hormone therapy, but is only my story. There will certainly be similarities, but you've gotta talk to each person for the specifics of their story.